IF YOU ARE ONE OF MY PARENTS AND HAVE FOUND THIS SITE, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. THIS BLOG IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME, AND HELPS ME A LOT, AND I REALLY NEED YOU TO RESPECT MY PRIVACY AND STAY AWAY FROM IT.

Wednesday 7 April 2010

It's no good

I am struggling too much. I feel really terrible. I have been like a zombie this afternoon and evening. Everything suddenly just feels too much to deal with and I feel desperately suicidal. Planning planning planning. I didn't go to the rehearsal tonight. I was really dizzy all afternoon/evening, to the point where it was difficult to stand/walk. I don't know what caused it. I felt fine apart from that, so I don't think it is illness. I did purge earlier, which I suppose could be related, but that usually just makes me a bit dizzy for a few minutes, not like this. So I said I wasn't well. I was relieved to have a get out. I didn't want to go. Have eaten like a pig today. For some reason I was just really hungry and had no self control. I did purge, but even if you take out that food I still ate too much. I suppose it won't matter what I weigh when I am dead anyway. I really can't keep going. I feel too exhausted and too desperate and I just can't cope with life anymore. I have felt like this for too long and I just can't do it anymore.

7 comments:

  1. Bip, I think it would be a really good idea to phone L today and tell her that you are feeling this bad. Thinking of you x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Bip, I think that is good advice from Margerydaw.

    Also don't forget that when someone is depressed, it is like wearing negative-tinted spectacles (as opposed to rose-tinted spectacles) so your view of life is focussed firmly on all the negative aspects. And the real bugger of it all is that you don't realise you are actually doing that.

    So be kind to yourself, remind yourself that it is your illness which is making you feel like this, and remember the small steps principle. Set yourself targets which are realistic bearing in mind where you are at right now. And give yourself a pat on the back when you achieve a target.

    So today's target could be to make contact with L to discuss how you are feeling tomorrow. Perhaps L could help you come up with a plan of action for the rest of the week, setting a few more easy to achieve targets, like getting dressed, or leaving the house once a day, even if only to go out and sit in the garden for 20 mins to get some fresh air etc.

    And then when you achieve a target, sing about it! I don't mean literally (I read your blog about the problems with singing) but tell us all in a blog and let us give you a pat on the back aswell.

    So go on, pick up the phone and ring L...

    Hugs from MHSU x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thinking of you hun. Am v.worried for you. I'm here if you wana talk,xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. I haven't phoned L, but that is because I was due to see N earlier anyway. I kept up the 'everything's fine' facade for a little while and then just couldn't anymore, and went very quiet etc, and so then we did end up talking a bit about how I was feeling. I can't really remember what was said. I know she asked what the most difficult thing was, and I said the suicidal thoughts, and she asked if I was wanting to fight them or act on them, and I said act on them. She said she was going to go back and talk to L. So that is why I haven't rung. But there isn't anything that anyone can do anyway - nobody can take the thoughts away or stop me from wanting to act on them. So I suppose it all seems a bit pointless really. x

    ReplyDelete
  5. I hope you feel better... you can get through this.

    ReplyDelete
  6. not pointless, not when saving your life is envolved. I hope N has spoken to L and she rings you. X

    ReplyDelete
  7. You out there Bip? Hope you are safe.

    Lola x

    ReplyDelete