Friday, 26 February 2010

I hate titles

So, the stopping gaining that I referred to last week hasn't happened unfortunately. Another 2lbs have been added. Nice one. I have been trying hard. I even forced myself to go to both my ballet classes this week, which ok, is only 2 hours exercise, but you would think it would be better than none right? Clearly wrong. 3 BMI points in 6 months. Not on. 2 clothes sizes. None of my normal trousers fit anymore. I got really upset a couple of days ago as I got out some trousers to wear that I haven't worn for a while, as when I was at a lower weight they were too big for me, so I thought they would fit now. I couldn't do them up. Every time I have to get dressed I end up crying because nothing fits, and I feel so enormous.

Last night I decided I hated the world, as it is clearly conspiring to make me fat. This included, but was not limited to, Dr E, Dr O, L, N and my parents. Everyone I come into contact with basically. I decided it was mostly Dr E's fault for taking me off my meds, which has only managed to make me fat and more depressed. I have less hatred today, probably because I was actually half a pound less this morning, but I am still not happy with Dr E. And actually, I was talking to a friend the other day, and it reminded me about my last appointment with Dr E, which I had forgotten about.

Before I went in she said she had a medical student with her and was that ok. I don't have a problem with students - they have to learn, so I said that was fine. I regretted that afterwards. Dr E was asking me the same sort of questions as usual, but every time I said something that she didn't agree with, she gave her med student a look. A kind of 'Did you hear that?' look. Or a smirk. Or a semi eye roll. Things that made me feel about 5, and very patronised. And that to be honest, I thought were pretty unprofessional. I don't usually have a problem with Dr E. As psychiatrists go, she is probably my 2nd favourite of all of those I have seen. But not that appointment. If she has a med student with her again I will not have them sitting in on my appointment, which I kind of feel bad about, because the med student didn't do anything wrong, but I really disliked the way that appointment made me feel, because of the way that Dr E was with them. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like it is just me that feels like that. My friend also sees Dr E, and has also had a med student in one of her appointments and said that the same thing happened with her, or that if her CPN goes to her appointments with her then Dr E will do the same thing with the CPN that she did with the med student. Surely she should be more professional than that? If she doesn't agree with what I am saying, fine, but she doesn't need to show it in a way that will make me feel bad about myself. It can be hard enough for people with mental health problems to talk to Consultant Psychiatrists anyway - we all know who has the power in that relationship, plus it is hard talking honestly to anyone that you only see for 20 minutes once a month, or once every 3 or 6 months. We don't need the consultant to make it even more difficult by their attitude. I was supposed to see Dr E this week, but I had to cancel as I couldn't get there, so am waiting for a new appointment to come through, and am hoping it is more successful than the above.

I saw Dr O today. I get the impression she maybe doesn't really 'get' eating disorders/weight issues. I told her that since I last saw her I had gained half a stone. Firstly she didn't believe me and wanted to weigh me. She looked utterly baffled by my slightly hysterical refusal to be weighed. And told me about a patient she had seen earlier in the week who had weighed 180 kilos. Apparently the scales had protested and they had both ended up laughing a lot about it all. She assured me that I didn't weigh that much, and I wouldn't break her scales. She then said she thought I was gaining weight on purpose (!!) so that they would prescribe the Tryptophan again. I said that I am certainly not gaining weight on purpose, and that I end up crying most days when I weigh myself. Her solution was to stop weighing myself and get rid of the scales.... So anyway, I am now thinking she possibly isn't too hot with EDs. Although reading this makes it sound like she is a really shit Doctor, and she isn't, and I do like her. She just seems to come out with some slightly odd statements.

My sleep is still very bad. I have given up watching the Olympics, but I am still awake all night. I got to sleep about half 6 this morning. Actually, I should probably have tried to get some sleeping tablets. Although they never actually help me sleep, so it probably wouldn't have been worth it. At the moment I don't really have any motivation to try and sort out my sleep anyway. Or anything else for that matter.


  1. I'm terrified of being asked to have a student nurse sit in on my appointments and it being someone from my ex-course :S

    Finding a decent GP is a nightmare. I've had ones who are lovely, mean well but completely clueless to ones that have made me cry. And just when I think I found one I liked and was useful, she left.

    Hope you get some motivation soon or at the very least a proper nights sleep.

  2. Oh yes, that would be really awkward with someone from your course. I did Social Work at uni for a little while, but that wasn't near where I lived, and so although I was in hospital near my uni for a while, after that I came home so I never had that problem.

    It is difficult to find a GP who is good with MH problems. I had a GP who was absolutely fantastic, I loved her and she was great, and was the first professional that I ever felt cared about me, but she had Cancer, and she died last year. It was so sad, she was only young and she had 2 little children. My current GP is nice, but she isn't like my old one was. I will write about my old one some time. She deserves some blog time - she was really fantastic to me.

  3. It does sound unprofessional of your psychiatrist to act that way when another health professional is in the room. If she doesn't agree with what you said, she should either explain why she disagrees or just keep quiet. What you said about it being hard to talk to pdocs is true. I found it hard to talk to my consultant psychiatrist, someone who I maybe saw 3 times a year.
    Having someone like a GP understand is important, if she doesn't get EDs/weight issues it could be an idea to try a different one? Doesn't sound like she has a lot of experience with EDs if she doesn't understand why you are afraid of being weighed in front of her and if she thinks you're trying to gain weight on purpose. It can be difficult to find a good professional though I know. Both the GP and psychiatrist I saw has upset me and made me cry, yet it was too much effort to find new ones.

  4. My first reaction to this was to advise you to complain about Dr E's behaviour, but on reflection, that's probably not a good idea. Aside from the fact that she can argue that you "misinterpreted" her behaviour, complaining is seen as a reinforcement of a borderline diagnosis. Which is absolutely ridiculous as complaining about bad service should be everyone's basic fucking right.

    So yeah, I agree that your best bet is to just refuse medical students in future. I agree that in a way it's unfair, but sod it; your proper care is more important, and they will always be able to see other patients.

    I'm really sorry about your previous GP; that's very sad indeed :-( I do look forward to reading about her - it sounds like she was fabulous.

    Take care hun, and I really hope you can get some proper sleep soon.

    Hugs xxx

  5. I remember sitting in on an appointment with 6 different professionals. they all sit in a circle around me i felt so cornered and they were all looking at books, tapping pencils, writings notes and the psych was asking questions. I ended up in floods of tears and left. I felt so intimidated. I wasnt even asked if i would mind if they sat in but from now on i wont allow it.

  6. This post kind of made both my GP and psychiatrist sound a bit crap really. The truth is, neither of them are. They both see me once a month, which is a lot more support than lots of people get, and I like both of them. I do feel like my psychiatrist acted rather unprofessionally, and I won't be allowing med students to sit in on my appointments with her in the future as a result of it, but she isn't a nasty person.

    SI - I won't complain, partly because I wouldn't want to rock the boat, and partly because I do actually like my psychiatrist. Not loads, I am not attached to her at all, but as I said, as psychs go, she is probably the second best that I have seen. On the whole she is friendly, she isn't patronising (rare in psychiatrists in my experience), she is very approachable, and she has a sense of humour. I didn't like her attitude with the med student, and I still think that she was unprofessional, but maybe I was feeling particularly sensitive that day or something.

    Cassie - I could change my GP, but on the whole she is pretty good, and I get on well with her. We usually manage to have a laugh about something, and again, she isn't patronising, and I like her. She has also been good in the past at pushing for things for me, like when I had a big gap between registering there (I had changed areas) and getting an appointment to see the psychiatrist, she got on to them and pushed for me to be seen ASAP, and has always been supportive of me when I am really low. I wonder if perhaps she doesn't think of me as an ED patient - my primary problem is definitely my low mood, and on the whole I have very few ED symptoms now. If she just thinks I am a bit obsessed with my weight, it possibly explains why she wasn't more understanding yesterday. Or she could just be not great with EDs, as I said in my post, but even if that is the case I will stick with her, as she is good for me generally.

    Notatrial - that seems weird to have so many professionals in an appointment. Apart from hospital ward rounds I have never had that many people in an appointment. Were they students or team members or what? Sounds odd!