So, the stopping gaining that I referred to last week hasn't happened unfortunately. Another 2lbs have been added. Nice one. I have been trying hard. I even forced myself to go to both my ballet classes this week, which ok, is only 2 hours exercise, but you would think it would be better than none right? Clearly wrong. 3 BMI points in 6 months. Not on. 2 clothes sizes. None of my normal trousers fit anymore. I got really upset a couple of days ago as I got out some trousers to wear that I haven't worn for a while, as when I was at a lower weight they were too big for me, so I thought they would fit now. I couldn't do them up. Every time I have to get dressed I end up crying because nothing fits, and I feel so enormous.
Last night I decided I hated the world, as it is clearly conspiring to make me fat. This included, but was not limited to, Dr E, Dr O, L, N and my parents. Everyone I come into contact with basically. I decided it was mostly Dr E's fault for taking me off my meds, which has only managed to make me fat and more depressed. I have less hatred today, probably because I was actually half a pound less this morning, but I am still not happy with Dr E. And actually, I was talking to a friend the other day, and it reminded me about my last appointment with Dr E, which I had forgotten about.
Before I went in she said she had a medical student with her and was that ok. I don't have a problem with students - they have to learn, so I said that was fine. I regretted that afterwards. Dr E was asking me the same sort of questions as usual, but every time I said something that she didn't agree with, she gave her med student a look. A kind of 'Did you hear that?' look. Or a smirk. Or a semi eye roll. Things that made me feel about 5, and very patronised. And that to be honest, I thought were pretty unprofessional. I don't usually have a problem with Dr E. As psychiatrists go, she is probably my 2nd favourite of all of those I have seen. But not that appointment. If she has a med student with her again I will not have them sitting in on my appointment, which I kind of feel bad about, because the med student didn't do anything wrong, but I really disliked the way that appointment made me feel, because of the way that Dr E was with them. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like it is just me that feels like that. My friend also sees Dr E, and has also had a med student in one of her appointments and said that the same thing happened with her, or that if her CPN goes to her appointments with her then Dr E will do the same thing with the CPN that she did with the med student. Surely she should be more professional than that? If she doesn't agree with what I am saying, fine, but she doesn't need to show it in a way that will make me feel bad about myself. It can be hard enough for people with mental health problems to talk to Consultant Psychiatrists anyway - we all know who has the power in that relationship, plus it is hard talking honestly to anyone that you only see for 20 minutes once a month, or once every 3 or 6 months. We don't need the consultant to make it even more difficult by their attitude. I was supposed to see Dr E this week, but I had to cancel as I couldn't get there, so am waiting for a new appointment to come through, and am hoping it is more successful than the above.
I saw Dr O today. I get the impression she maybe doesn't really 'get' eating disorders/weight issues. I told her that since I last saw her I had gained half a stone. Firstly she didn't believe me and wanted to weigh me. She looked utterly baffled by my slightly hysterical refusal to be weighed. And told me about a patient she had seen earlier in the week who had weighed 180 kilos. Apparently the scales had protested and they had both ended up laughing a lot about it all. She assured me that I didn't weigh that much, and I wouldn't break her scales. She then said she thought I was gaining weight on purpose (!!) so that they would prescribe the Tryptophan again. I said that I am certainly not gaining weight on purpose, and that I end up crying most days when I weigh myself. Her solution was to stop weighing myself and get rid of the scales.... So anyway, I am now thinking she possibly isn't too hot with EDs. Although reading this makes it sound like she is a really shit Doctor, and she isn't, and I do like her. She just seems to come out with some slightly odd statements.
My sleep is still very bad. I have given up watching the Olympics, but I am still awake all night. I got to sleep about half 6 this morning. Actually, I should probably have tried to get some sleeping tablets. Although they never actually help me sleep, so it probably wouldn't have been worth it. At the moment I don't really have any motivation to try and sort out my sleep anyway. Or anything else for that matter.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago