Finding it hard to concentrate enough to write, so I will do bullet points.
- Purged twice so far this week. This is good that it is better than last week, but bad as I hadn't done it at all for months before last week. And I am wanting to do it more and more often - the only thing that stops me most of the time is my parents being around, and not wanting them to know what I am doing.
- My weight is definitely an issue at the moment. Although I try not to let it, it does impact on my mood for sure, and I have 'rules' around it that I make before I step on the scales in the morning, like if I weigh less than X I am not allowed to kill myself, if I weigh less than X I have to go to ballet, etc etc. I am not getting dressed at the moment unless I absolutely have to, because clothes make me feel too uncomfortable. I can't deal with them feeling tighter than I am used to, so I just stay in my PJs.
- Despite all the issues with weight I said above, I don't seem to be able to stop eating. I know it is comfort eating, and it really isn't helping matters, because obviously I am not losing weight, which is about the only thing that might make me feel more in control of things. I hate the doctors for not giving me the Tryptophan. Rationally I suppose I can understand why they wouldn't, but I feel like it would help me with my depression if I could get my eating a bit under control.
- My mood has been very, very low. I have been having very strong suicidal thoughts the whole time, and it has been incredibly difficult to not act on them. Diazepam has helped me enormously. There is no way that I would have got through the night I last posted without it. It doesn't take the feelings away, but it does take the edge off, and 2 managed to calm me down enough that I could sleep, which was by far the safest thing for me to do.
- L and I are both thinking that perhaps anti depressants do help me after all. Probably only a very tiny bit, as I still have very bad patches when on them, and have still attempted suicide when taking them etc, but right now things are the worst they have ever been, and this is the first time in 6 years that I haven't been on anti depressants. She is going to speak to Dr E about restarting them, which I kind of have mixed feelings about, but if they can stop things from getting this bad I will take them, even if they only help by half a percent.
- Being included in TWIM on this week made me feel good. I wasn't expecting it when I went to read it, as I had basically just written moany crap this week. It always means a lot to be included in TWIM, because it was Mental Nurse that got me into the world of mental health blogging, and I never expected to see myself on there when I started blogging. May only be a small thing, but I can see so little positive at the moment that I really need to grasp hold of the little things.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago