Today has been quite difficult. I wrote this last night
'I thought the other day that even though I feel like shit, maybe I should keep going a bit longer. Maybe I should give myself a bit more time to see if things improve. Then I saw my weight this morning, and it completely changed my mind. I need to kill myself before I get any fatter. Nothing is right. I hate that I have tried so so hard this week, it has just been a nonstop battle with my head, and what do I get in return? Weight gain, to make me feel even more shit about myself, and more suicidal. And I know it is my fault for being such a disgusting, greedy cow, which makes it even worse. But I just can’t stop eating.
I will have to get dressed tomorrow to go and see L and I just feel so ashamed of myself. I feel like everyone will be staring at me because they will see how fat I have got. I hate myself for being so disgusting and greedy.
I have had no energy lately. Even worse than usual. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I wake up, and even if I have slept reasonably well and for a decent length of time, I just feel absolutely exhausted. My limbs feel like they weigh a tonne each, moving them takes real effort. And I just want to sleep all the time. But then when I try to sleep I can’t because of my head. It just feels like everything is wrong with me. I don’t know what I was thinking with my let’s give it a bit longer thing. I just didn’t want to hurt people, and I still don’t, but I am really not meant to be alive. I am just like a shell. I am already dead inside'
I couldn't sleep last night, and I had to get up this morning at a reasonable time as I was seeing L at 11, and only ended up with about 4 hours sleep, so that hasn't helped with the exhaustion. Then this morning I had gained another pound. I didn't actually want to go and see L, which is unusual for me, but I just felt so disgusting and ashamed of myself. Plus I just really don't feel like I trust anyone at the moment, I don't know why. I wore a skirt in the deluded hope that people wouldn't be able to see my size as clearly as if I was in trousers, but I don't think it helped. Then the first thing I thought when I saw her was how thin she looked, she looked really tiny today, and that made me feel even worse about myself. I think partly because of this, and partly because of not feeling very trusting at the moment, I just clammed up at the beginning of the appointment. I got quite upset, and I couldn't think properly which upset me more. I did start to open up more as it went on, but now I feel frustrated with myself as I feel like I didn't make the best use of the time I had, and I am not seeing her until friday next week as she is on a course at the beginning of the week. We talked quite a lot about my weight and body image as it is definitely affecting my mood a lot at the moment.
I have to get dressed again tomorrow as I am seeing N. The problem with this is that I see N to get me out the house, and I don't want to leave the house, I feel too ashamed of myself and I don't want to sit somewhere public where people can see me. I very much doubt I will go to ballet tomorrow night either, as I just can't face people seeing my body like this. I am fully aware of the irony of skipping the only exercise that I get because I feel too fat, but pink tights just aren't going to be helpful when I am hating my body this much already.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago