Stuff

Things have been hard. Not really sure what to say. Still struggling enormously with the suicidal thoughts. Been frantically planning again. Seeing L tomorrow afternoon.

Eating isn't good. Purged again the other day, which made it 3 times last week, which having not done it for months and months was not good. Getting fatter and fatter. My baggy jeans were really quite tight when I put them on today. Felt hideous. Hate myself for being so weak. Even though I knew my weight before that, having clothes feeling tight like that made me feel even worse, so I don't think I am going to get dressed anymore until I lose a few lbs at least. It made me feel too horrible. Generally I don't have to leave the house too often, so I don't get dressed much anyway, but I will just make sure I stay in even more - can't deal with that. Feel hungry the whole time. It makes me so angry. I wish my body would just understand that I desperately need some control over something, and I really can't control my thoughts, so it has to be food. I hate the doctors for refusing the give me the Tryptophan. I don't give a shit if it is off label - eating like this and my weight being like this is just adding to the depression and suicidal thoughts, so I don't see that prescribing a fucking amino acid to me could be such a bad thing, even if it is bloody off label. Hate everyone and everything.