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Saturday, 20 February 2010

So.....

I haven't written anything for a while. Don't really seem to have much to say at the moment. I am feeling quite flat/numb most of the time. I am still really unhappy with my weight and struggling on that front. I ordered some weight loss tablets earlier. Nothing drastic or dangerous - just some herbal ones from a health shop. Figured I would try those before I went for the Ephedra. So I have ordered some Hoodia, just to try and curb my appetite. If they don't work I will order some Ephedra. I feel so enormous. I do know logically that I am not fat - if BMI 20 - 25 is healthy (I say if because so many BMI guides say 18.5 - 25, but Doctors and health people always say 20, and I believe that it is officially 20 for Caucasians) then I am at the low end of that, but it is a big increase from my BMI of 17.5 in September. Even in the last 3 or 4 weeks I have gained about 6lbs, which is a lot. And actually it is those 6lbs that have made the difference between me feeling ok in my clothes, and not wanting to get dressed because everything is so tight, so I am going to focus on losing that first, before I think about long term. But I need to stop gaining first!

I was supposed to be seeing L today, but she was off sick, and she is on leave next week, so that isn't too good. I haven't seen her since tuesday of last week, so that is a week and a half ago already, and it will be another week and a half before I see her, so it will be 3 weeks between appointments, which is really hard when I am used to seeing her every week. I do get annoyed with myself for being so dependant on people. That is the trouble with therapy, and getting so attached. It does make it really difficult when I have to miss a week for any reason, and even 1 week to the next feels like a long time. It isn't only down to attachment - it is partly because it can be such a relief to have the chance to talk about everything and just get it all out, and it is the only time I even come close to doing that. So it is really difficult when that hour and a half disappears an hour before. I don't blame L at all, it isn't her fault she is ill - it is just unfortunate, and it is difficult when you have expected a session and then don't get it, and also unfortunate that she isn't there next week. I am seeing N next week, on tuesday, so at least that is something. She had this week off, so I haven't seen anyone at all next week. I was due to be seeing Dr E next week as well, but I have had to cancel as I can't get there when my mum is at work, so I am waiting to hear when that will be rearranged for. And I am seeing Dr O on friday, but that is just a little chat really.

My sleep is very bad still. At the moment I can use the Olympics as an excuse to an extent (did anybody see the Women's Skeleton tonight? So exciting!), but I am sleeping until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, which even I admit is not terribly good. When I spoke to L the other day she said we really need to work on improving that. For some reason the day scares me a bit. I think it is partly because when things are really bad I don't like being awake in the day, as I know that I have the whole day on my own and it feels really unsafe, and also psychologically the day feels shorter if I wake up later - I know it isn't, but if I wake up in the afternoon then I can tell myself the day is nearly over, whereas if I wake up in the morning the day feels painfully long. Also, if I don't wake up until the afternoon there is less time left for eating... But I do accept I need to improve my sleep, even if it goes back to waking up at 12 or so, that would be a vast improvement. There is just so much I need to work on, it all feels a bit overwhelming.

3 comments:

  1. I totally hear you on the sleep thing, as you may have noticed by this comment being posted at 4:51 a.m, I have a similar practise of sleeping in until 3 or 4, sometimes 5 in the afternoon, and as a result not being able to sleep at night. I prefer the night time though.

    I'm sorry that L had to cancel, I know how annoying that can be, but you've already done a week and a half on your own so hopefully another week and a half won't be too much of a challenge.

    Take care.

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  2. The olympics is my life saver at the moment. I love watching obscure sports that I don't quite understand!

    Just remember with any pills that herbal doesn't equal safe, just in some cases less studied and licensed. Sorry, herbal medicine is one of my pet hates!

    Look after yourself.

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