I saw L today. I am so grateful to have such a supportive and caring CPN. If there were more people like her working in the NHS then Mental Health services would be so much better. I have never had another care coordinator who I have felt able to trust to such an extent, and who I have believed genuinely cares about what happens to me and is actually committed to helping me. I am obviously very attached to her, but I think she knows that and knows how to deal with it (and me!).
I am struggling a lot. Very strong suicidal thoughts, which to be honest I do feel like I will act on at some point soon. It sounds stupid but my weight and eating issues are contributing to this, although obviously that isn't the only thing by any means. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I had lost a couple of pounds, basically from feeling too crap to move. Unfortunately that has now swung into comfort eating, which is the other thing that can happen to my eating when my depression is bad. Consequently not only have I gained the 2 pounds that I lost, but I have gained more on top of that. I have just weighed myself (yes I know it is 3AM and that is a stupid time to be awake, let alone weigh myself) and nearly burst into tears as my weight is just going up and up and I feel so bloody out of control of that too now, on top of all the feelings and thoughts that I can't control. Plus I have some documentary on TV that just showed a clip of You're The One That I Want from Grease, and Olivia Newton John looked so skinny that I found it really triggering, and I am not usually triggered easily like that. It was just weighing myself and seeing my weight so high, followed by seeing that. It just really set me off.
I don't know what to do with myself. I just can't cope with all these feelings, it is too overwhelming. I really am desperate.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago