IF YOU ARE ONE OF MY PARENTS AND HAVE FOUND THIS SITE, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. THIS BLOG IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME, AND HELPS ME A LOT, AND I REALLY NEED YOU TO RESPECT MY PRIVACY AND STAY AWAY FROM IT.

Wednesday 3 February 2010

My day

I saw L today. I am so grateful to have such a supportive and caring CPN. If there were more people like her working in the NHS then Mental Health services would be so much better. I have never had another care coordinator who I have felt able to trust to such an extent, and who I have believed genuinely cares about what happens to me and is actually committed to helping me. I am obviously very attached to her, but I think she knows that and knows how to deal with it (and me!).

I am struggling a lot. Very strong suicidal thoughts, which to be honest I do feel like I will act on at some point soon. It sounds stupid but my weight and eating issues are contributing to this, although obviously that isn't the only thing by any means. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I had lost a couple of pounds, basically from feeling too crap to move. Unfortunately that has now swung into comfort eating, which is the other thing that can happen to my eating when my depression is bad. Consequently not only have I gained the 2 pounds that I lost, but I have gained more on top of that. I have just weighed myself (yes I know it is 3AM and that is a stupid time to be awake, let alone weigh myself) and nearly burst into tears as my weight is just going up and up and I feel so bloody out of control of that too now, on top of all the feelings and thoughts that I can't control. Plus I have some documentary on TV that just showed a clip of You're The One That I Want from Grease, and Olivia Newton John looked so skinny that I found it really triggering, and I am not usually triggered easily like that. It was just weighing myself and seeing my weight so high, followed by seeing that. It just really set me off.

I don't know what to do with myself. I just can't cope with all these feelings, it is too overwhelming. I really am desperate.

3 comments:

  1. I'm glad that L is such a source of support, but nevertheless I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. I can't think of anything to say that doesn't sound like a silly platitude, and in any case any "advice" I could give would be grossly hypocritical. So just know I'm thinking about you and sending lots of hugs.

    Take care as best you can honey. x

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm glad you spoke to L. Did she help at all with the suicidal feelings? x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks SI. Thinking of you too, I know you are struggling.

    Lost, I don't think there is any way that anyone can help with suicidal feelings. They are there and nobody can take them away.

    ReplyDelete