I am watching the Winter Olympics. I am not sure why really. Quite like watching the people fall over, but I know nothing about any of the Winter sports, although I do a fairly good line in pretending to be knowledgable about the figure skating thanks to avidly watching Dancing on Ice and being a dancer. I like watching Dancing on Ice and saying 'What hideous lines - look at those arms!', or 'Oh dear, what a horrible leg line in that spiral (except I call it an arabesque because I am a dancer, and therefore calling it a spiral makes no sense to me - spiral implies turning, not sticking your leg in the air!) - they really need to work on their turnout' and then feeling clever when one of the judges says the same thing. I am watching the bumpy skiing at the moment. What a random sport?! That's the thing with the Winter Olympics, they just seem to make up loads of sports. The Summer Olympics do it to an extent - Beach Volleyball anyone?! But not like the Winter Olympics.
Right, enough waffling about sports I know nothing about. I am actually doing a bit better than I have been the last few weeks. I still feel like shit, and am still thinking about suicide a lot of the time, but I am not finding the thoughts nearly so overwhelming on the whole. They are still there, but for some reason I can tolerate them at the moment, I don't feel compelled to act on them. Sure, I would still like to - I still don't want to be alive, but I am not hideously desperate at the moment in the same way that I was. What bothers me now is that I should be feeling positive about this - I am doing a bit better. I can tolerate having the TV on, I have been able to read a bit - generally I am finding it easier to distract myself, and my concentration is a bit better. But even though I am feeling better, I still want to die. It isn't even fear of things getting worse - even if I knew things would never get any worse than this, I would still want to die. I suppose to be fair to myself things are still pretty shit - I still have no motivation to do anything, sleep is bad, concentration is bad (although improved), body image is atrocious, anxiety is bad. I would say my mood rating has moved from maybe 0 to 2 on average (on a scale of 1 to 10 - 10 being able to get out the house, get some enjoyment from things, have motivation etc etc, rather than being 'happy'). But it is a massive relief - even if I am still not feeling able to get out of bed much, and certainly not wanting to dress or leave the house, I am not hiding under my covers crying and hyperventilating and desperately trying to fight the urges to kill myself. And that will do for now.
Unfortunately my body image and weight issues are the worst they have been for a while. Or rather I perceive it as being the worst - from a disordered point of view I was worse in the summer when I was bordering on an Anorexic weight and severely restricting my intake. But to me this is worse because I feel enormous - I am 17lbs heavier than I was in August, and that is incredibly difficult to deal with, plus a lot of the weight gain has been very recent - in the last month I have gained about 5lbs, and the thing that scares me is that it is showing no signs of stopping; if anything I am gaining faster. I know that this is my fault - that I am eating too much, the wrong foods etc etc, but I just don't seem able to stop myself. When my mood is very low I either restrict severely, or comfort eat and gain weight, and sometimes get into a pattern of purging. In the summer things were bad, and I restricted and lost weight, and although I am sure that MH professionals would judge my eating as being much worse then than now (I am actually eating a fairly 'normal' diet, if somewhat carb/sugar heavy, and at random times, but calorie wise it is pretty reasonable), for me this is just horrific - stepping on the scales does literally make me want to kill myself, as does catching sight of my body in the mirror, or measuring myself, which I made the mistake of doing the other day. I just don't know what to do about it. I know it isn't a great idea health wise, but I have been looking at buying weight loss tablets online, and am seriously considering it. I desperately need something to curb my appetite so that I can get back in control of my eating, I don't actually care if it affects my physical health. Even though I am doing a bit better depression wise, I still feel completely out of control of things, and I still desperately want to get something back, and eating really does seem the only thing possible.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago