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Tuesday 21 September 2010

Zombified

My sleep is not getting any better. I don't seem to be able to sleep before 6am, and then when I wake up I am exhausted regardless of how much sleep I have had. I am getting really fed up of feeling so completely drained all the time. Motivation levels are non existant. My hair really needs washing but I can't be bothered - that takes more energy than I have at the moment, so I just keep leaving it, and it gets worse. I fully intended to wash it today, but then I woke up absolutely knackered, and it seemed like an utterly pointless thing to do, so I didn't bother. Yet again I have no idea what I have done with the day. I vaguely remember watching Neighbours earlier, but I couldn't tell you what happened in it. I think that was probably the highlight of the day. Oh no, actually, getting on the scales and not gaining was the highlight of the day, as I was worried I might have gained a little. I am feeling increasingly zombified. Somehow I need to change something, because I can't keep going like this. I don't know how though. The suicidal thoughts are getting quite intense. I think maybe I need help, but I don't know who I can get it from with L away. And since nobody can make the thoughts go away, is there any point in even trying to get help anyway? Maybe it is better just to act on them. Telling someone how I am feeling isn't going to change anything, so it seems pretty futile. I am so tired.
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7 comments:

  1. Anonymous21 September 2010 at 21:58

    It sounds like you really should call Dr. E or Dr. O so they can prescribe you something so you can get some significant sleep. And getting help from these people is much better than acting on your thoughts. Would you feel comfortable calling one of them and telling them that L is away and that you're having trouble sleeping so you'd like to see them? I'm sure if you told them on the phone how you are feeling they would set aside time to see you.

    Hang on, Bippidee. Please.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  2. Bippidee21 September 2010 at 22:09

    I doubt I would be able to see either of them, but I could probably speak to Dr O on the phone tomorrow, as she does work Wednesdays. I should think she would prescribe me a few sleeping tablets, but the trouble is none of them actually seem to work. I had Zopiclone for so many years that I am totally immune to it, Zolpidem makes me hear voices, and Temazepam does nothing, and they are the only 3 I am ever offered. x

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  3. Anonymous22 September 2010 at 08:39

    could you get anemergency appointment with either of them? Sounds like you are really struggling...

    maybe something like mitazipne would help? If you take it at night it can be used for sleeping?

    I'm sure L wouldnt want you to hold out for her return... maybe try another avenue temporarily?
    If there is anything I can do let me know
    xxx

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  4. Bippidee22 September 2010 at 15:09

    Thank you. I very much doubt I could see Dr E - she only does 2 days a week from my CMHT, and it is really hard to get an appointment with her. I could probably see Dr O, but she would either suggest I learn to cross stitch, go to church, or think about nice things instead of suicidal thoughs etc - she is nice but a little out of her depth with mental health stuff sometimes I think. I just want to talk to someone, but I don't trust any of the CMHT except L, I am worried they would send me to A&E. Can't take Mirtazapine, it would make me gain weight, and that would make me more suicidal.
    Thank you
    xxx

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  5. isil bell22 September 2010 at 20:55

    :/ I know you aren't keen to try any other members of the CMHT but I think you need to. You might get lucky and get a good one. L is good and you like her and she helps, right? Is she part of a specific team within in the CMHT? I used to find talking to a close colleague of my care coordinator much more useful than talking to one who was in the CMHT but not in the same office as S.

    You say you're worried about the CMHT sending you to A&E but although they can suggest that, perhaps if you just said 'I need to talk to someone and L is away' they would be less likely to do that.

    It's crap when the person who you trust is away. Hope you feel better soon x

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  6. Bippidee22 September 2010 at 21:35

    Thanks. My CMHT is fairly small and they are all in one office, but I either know or have spoken to virtually all of them at some point in the past, and really there is only 1 other person I would feel comfortable talking to, possibly 2, but the second just seems to say 'wait until L is back and talk to her' and thinks that is a plan. I did nearly call today but I got scared and didn't...
    Thank you for replying. xx

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  7. Kristin23 September 2010 at 01:51

    I have watched my daughter go through this haywire sleepless/exhausted cycle. And, I know that it sucks and I am so sorry that you are experiencing it. During a recent bout, my daughter tried benadryl and it did help a little.
    Hang on Bip,
    xx kris

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