Wading through treacle

I am getting really frustrated with this tiredness. I got about 10 hours of sleep last night, which is about optimum for me, and still woke up feeling exhausted. Just opening my eyes feels like too much effort. The day took a rapid nose dive when I weighed myself and discovered I had gained a pound overnight. I really don't know how. I didn't even have *that* much to eat yesterday - I was expecting to have maintained, or perhaps gained 0.2 or maybe 0.4 of a pound. Not a whole bloody pound. So naturally I feel like complete shit. I then had to drag myself out of bed and get dressed because of having to look after my nephew. Thankfully it was only for about 40 minutes today, although it definitely felt like longer. I am supposed to go to a Carousel rehearsal tonight, but I don't know whether I am going to or not. Obviously I should, but knowing that I have the excuse of a bad back, and could therefore get out of it, is incredibly tempting. Yesterday I was planning not to go tonight, because I thought doing lifts etc would just be too much for my back. Today however, it is actually feeling quite a lot better, and I therefore could actually go, and just not do anything that I thought would really aggravate it. I just don't want to... I don't want to do anything. I am tired, I have a headache, I feel awful about my weight, I can't concentrate on anything. I need a way out of feeling like this, and I don't know how I can find one, except the obvious. There is nothing that could possibly happen in my life that would make feeling like this ok. I could never feel good enough to make these bad patches worth going through. And I suppose that is essentially the problem, and why I have so many suicidal thoughts. Because even if someone could promise me that after say 1 more year, I would never feel like this again in my life, I still wouldn't want to be alive. I would still want to kill myself. Even if they could make it 6 months. 1 month. The time frame is irrelevant. I just don't want to be here, and even if I felt ok, I still wouldn't want to be here. I think maybe some people just aren't supposed to be alive, and I am one of them.

Ballet

I am having a really shitty evening. Well, it has been a bit of a crappy day really, but the evening has been particularly difficult. I had decided to go to ballet because I thought at least it would give me a bit of a distraction for a while. But then it all went a bit wrong because my dad had to take the car today, as his was in for MOT, and he didn't think I was going to go to ballet because of my back, so he was going to be a bit late getting home (although I could just about have still got there) and my mum had a lot to do and so it would be better if I didn't go. Even though I knew dancing with a bad back wouldn't be the brightest thing to do, not going upset me for some reason. I am not sure why. Most of the time I don't even want to go - I go because I feel like I should. I am good at obligations and committments. If I have said I will do something then I will. But not going tonight bothered me, and I am trying to work out why. I think it is partly the calorie/weight thing. Not dancing when I was 'supposed' to, ie on a day when I regularly dance, made me feel like I shouldn't eat because I wouldn't be burning off the calories to earn the food. And then of course I did eat and felt very guilty. Also, despite the fact I don't want to go most of the time, I think maybe ballet sometimes calms me down a bit. Other times it frustrates me enormously because I can't do things the way I want to be able to do them, and I get angry with myself, plus of course there is the neverending nightmare of being in a leotard and tights in front of a mirror, but despite all of that I think maybe it calms me down a bit.

There is just something about being in class at the barre, and the music starting for plies, and just kind of moving onto auto pilot and tension just kind of leaving your body. Not having to think about anything more complex than whether you are turned out to your full extent, and whether you are pulled up as much as you can, and whether you are working through your feet as much as possible, and whether you can get your leg that little bit higher when you feel like you have reached your maximum and whether your arm is in exactly the right position or if it needs to be slightly more rounded or more supported or your fingers more extended, and whether your head is turned exactly to where it should be and no further. All little, tiny things that sound so unimportant and insignificant, but when you are trying to think about them all at the same time, plus many, many other things besides, actually take an awful lot of concentration. And all with a lovely serene look on your face. Sure, you can just ignore it all and bullshit your way through class the best as you can whilst thinking about how shit you feel, but even if you know the exercises inside out and think nobody will notice, they will. For sure. Because ballet is about perfection, and perfection takes a lot of effort, even when doing the simplest of exercises. The hardest thing about it for me is realising that I will never achieve that perfection - that no matter how many hours a week I danced, and no matter how hard I worked, I would never have flat turnout, or anything approaching it, and that I will never have 180 degree extensions, and so many other things that make amazing dancers. It is hard for a perfectionist to accept they will never achieve perfection, in a discipline that demands it. It is particularly hard knowing that it is my body stopping me from achieving these things. My body that I hate.

Sometimes I don't know why I dance. The reason I always give is that I need to be able to dance well for musical theatre. Which is true. But on days like today, when I was supposed to dance but couldn't, I wonder if maybe it is more than that. I can't say I enjoy it, because that wouldn't be true, but then I don't enjoy anything. But of everything I can think of, it is probably the thing that is most likely to be able to distract me from how I am feeling. Not always in a good way. Sometimes I will get so frustrated with myself for not being able to do something that I want to scream and shout and cry and throw a tantrum. But at least if I am upset over my inability to do a good pirouette, I am not thinking about suicide. And when I am going through a patch with constant suicidal thoughts, then even thinking other negative things about myself comes as a relief. So maybe sometimes I dance to try and give myself a bit of a break. It doesn't always work, and it never works completely, but even partial relief makes a big difference. Plus of course it is something timetabled into my week, that I expect to do, and I don't like disruption to plans.

I didn't understand why I spent an hour and a half lying in the dark feeling like absolute shit earlier when I couldn't go to ballet. Maybe now I do, or to at least some extent. And maybe that explains why even when I am feeling really, really terrible, and am desperately suicidal and in the middle of crisis, I still try and drag myself out of bed and to my ballet classes. And most of the time I manage it. However much I don't feel like going, however exhausted I am, however little sleep I have had, however much I just want to stay in bed - I still try and go. And I have never known why, apart from my normal not liking to duck out of committments thing. I suspect that come Monday, I won't want to go again, but at least now I know a little of why I push myself to do something that I don't feel like doing so often. Because it is better to have a break from the thoughts even if for only a minute at a time, than no break at all. And when my concentration is bad, then nothing else gives me any break at all.

'We dance for laughter, we dance for tears, we dance for madness, we dance for fears, we dance for hopes, we dance for screams, we are the dancers, we create the dreams.' - Anonymous

Fed up

I don't know what I am doing with myself today. I am really finding this lack of concentration hard. I don't know what to do about ballet tonight. I was intending not to go because of hurting my back the other day. But it is feeling slightly better today, although it is still uncomfortable. I suppose I just don't know what else to do with myself if I don't go. Dancing on an injury isn't the brightest thing to do, but maybe it would be ok. I kind of have issues with missing dance classes because then I am not burning calories and so my weight is more likely to be a problem. I found it hard last night not being able to dance at rehearsal - I kept thinking of all the calories I wasn't burning. And then when I ate I felt like I didn't deserve to because I hadn't done anything to burn off the calories. I am supposed to have a dance rehearsal tomorrow too, but I don't think I will be able to do that. Doing a ballet class is one thing, because I can just do what I feel able to etc, but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing lifts etc when I still have an injury because it would be too easy to aggravate it. My weight is really frustrating me at the moment. It is just stuck. Which is my own fault, because I am eating too much 'extra' food. Comfort eating. Which isn't even comforting because it makes me feel like a disgusting greedy pig. Yesterday I meant to have a nap in the afternoon because I was so tired, but in the end I ate and purged a piece of carrot cake instead. I don't know why. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't even fancy it. I wasn't hungry. I just saw it and felt compelled to eat some, even though I didn't particularly want it, and knew I would purge afterwards. I felt hideous afterwards, and yet I nearly repeated the whole thing again today. I don't know what I am doing at the moment. My brain feels broken.

I am tired. I am just not really getting enough sleep at the moment, even with the Zopiclone, and I am still tired when I wake up however much sleep I have had. I want to read or watch a DVD or just do something that feels vaguely constructive and I just can't because I don't have any concentration. It is stupid. I really hate myself at the moment. I feel completely useless.

Sleepy!

I am ridiculously tired. It is 1:30, and I have only been up since 10, but I am at that point where you can't actually stand up or walk without swaying a little bit, and I keep typing completely the wrong words and letters etc, so I think I am going to have to have a sleep this afternoon if I want any chance of being awake for rehearsal tonight. This exhaustion seems to have come about because I didn't take a Zopiclone last night, as I knew I had to be up at 10, to get to my appointment for 11, and I find that unless I can just sleep until I wake naturally then Zopiclone makes me feel a bit hung over. In retrospect feeling hung over would have been preferable. Despite being completely exhausted, as I should have been following a ballet class and a dance rehearsal, I just could not get to sleep last night. I think in the end I managed to sleep at about 5:30am, but that only gave me 4 and a half hours sleep, and it was fairly disturbed at that. I don't know why I couldn't sleep earlier. I was too tired to keep my eyes open, but sleep just would not happen. I think my brain was just buzzing too much, despite having had a Diazepam to try and calm it down a bit. So anyway, I think an afternoon nap is now called for.

I have rehearsal tonight. That is slightly awkward as I seem to have done my back in rather at the rehearsal last night. There is a bit in the pas de deux section of the dance where I have to go from a fish dive up to being thrown back over the guy's shoulder and I seem to have tweaked my back - I am not sure what I did exactly, but it is rather painful. Not agonising or anything, but very uncomfortable and keeps twinging. It was uncomfortable yesterday, and then overnight it was quite painful, and is hurting today. I don't think I will be able to dance at the rehearsal tonight. I will make mark it if it is feeling better, but there is no point making it worse. I have taken some Ibuprofen - I don't really like taking painkillers for injuries, as I don't think there is much point in just masking the pain, and you can end up doing more damage if you can't feel the pain, but I do make an exception for Ibuprofen as it is an anti-inflammatory, and I think I probably need that at the moment. I hope it gets better soon though, as it is quite uncomfortable.

I saw L this morning. I have missed her so, so much. It was really good to see her and to have someone to talk to about everything. Obviously it didn't change how I am feeling, but just being able to express those feelings and have them validated makes a difference. I think I mentioned before that she had talked about referring me to the Psychologist. That is going ahead - I will be having an assessment sometime, and then almost certainly be seeing her for CAT. CAT isn't ideal, ie it isn't either DBT or long term psychotherapy, but it has to be worth a try, and maybe it will help. The psychologist is supposed to be good, and she seems nice too from what I have heard. It probably won't be for a couple of months though. L also said that she was going to bring up with the rest of the team what happened on Friday, with the fuckwit calling me. She said it shouldn't have happened - it says on my care plan that I should be able to speak to someone suitable if she isn't there, and he is not suitable - partially because I am more comfortable speaking to women, and it says that I should be able to speak to a female whenever possible, and partly because I have a history with him and it is all rather awkward. I am glad that she didn't think I was overreacting and being awkward and difficult for being unhappy that it was him who had called.

Relief

L is back. I don't think I have ever been so happy to be wrong in my life. I've not spoken to her, but I called the CMHT earlier to check whether she was back or not, and they said she was. So I will be seeing her tomorrow. It has been 6 weeks - that is a bloody long time. I hope seeing her will help me feel a little more able to cope. Yesterday I was having really strong suicidal thoughts - I had decided that if she wasn't back today then I was going to kill myself, because I just can't cope with feeling like this any more, and it is too difficult not having any support. It sounds stupid saying it like that, but this last week has just been hell - I have been feeling worse and worse, and calling the CMHT on Friday and speaking to the fuckwit just made me feel even worse, because it left me feeling like I had absolutely nowhere to turn to, as I couldn't even call and speak to someone else. So it is a massive relief that L is back. I know it isn't going to fix everything, and I will still feel shit, but at least there will be someone who I trust to talk to about it, and that does make a difference.

I have ballet tonight, and then rehearsal. I haven't managed to learn my lines, so I don't know what to do. I know some of them - maybe the first third, but that is it. I just can't get things to stay in my head at the moment. It was books down a week ago, so the only reason I have got away with it until now is because I wasn't in the scenes they were rehearsing last week. I am feeling really stressed about it all - wish it was over or that I wasn't doing it. It is just too much at the moment. Everything feels too much, but at least with things like ballet, if I need to take a night off it only affects me - with shows it is really difficult, because if you need a night off it messes up the entire rehearsal. It is too much pressure when I am feeling crap.

A vole

There are things I intended to do today. Need today. One is learning my lines for Carousel, as I have to know them by my rehearsal tomorrow night. Having the attention span of a goldfish isn't helping with that. I currently know about 2 of them... Another is washing my hair, as it is a bit nasty and needs washing. I also planned to make a cake, although I am not quite sure why. Things I didn't need to do today were staring into space for long stretches of time and sit pissing around on the internet, not even really knowing what I am looking at. It is 4:45. Leaning the lines before tomorrow night is non negotiable. Well, I could pull a sickie (tempting) but I would still need to know them for Tuesday, so that wouldn't help much. Washing my hair is also pretty non negotiable if I want to leave the house tomorrow. Making a cake is negotiable, but also the most interesting of the three, as it results in a cake at the end of it, and I do like cake. Although I am not really wanting to go into the kitchen at the moment. My old cat, who is 15 and deaf (but still very beautiful and very quick) came home with a vole last night. He was incredibly pleased with himself. Fortunately or unfortunately, the vole was still alive, and so then when he dropped it, it ran away under the appliances. Whilst voles are very sweet and cute, I don't particularly want one living in my kitchen, and small rodents do make me jump, so I am not feeling any overwhelming urges to go into the kitchen. Trouble is, I have absolutely no idea how we can get it out. I really don't want to hurt it, that would upset me (and it I suspect) very much. But catching a live vole, who has a multitude of hiding places, could prove tricky. I just want to catch him and put him back outside where he belongs. I don't want either of the cats to get him. But I have no idea how we can find him. Or her. I just hope it isn't pregnant....

Took a Zopiclone last night. Not sure that it helped me get to sleep really, but I do sleep more solidly after taking them - I wake up far less, and my sleep is generally just far less disturbed. I am still tired though. And I still feel like shit. I desperately hope that L is back this week. I have a horrible feeling that she isn't going to be. I really hope that I am wrong, but I don't think I will be. I don't think I can get through the week if she isn't back. It is so hard not having any support, and I am never calling the CMHT again after the debacle of Friday.

Fuckwittery

I am really bloody pissed off. I finally decided to call the CMHT, as I really felt like I needed to talk things through with someone, and obviously it is the weekend coming up so there won't be anyone to talk to then, and since I am really not feeling good I thought it would be a good idea to speak to someone today. So I rung the CMHT. First I got the answerphone, so I called back a little bit later and spoke to the receptionist. I asked who was on duty, as there were a couple of people I knew I would not want to speak to, but she asked who was calling and said she would check if there was anyone available. She came back and said nobody was around, but that someone would call me back, but it wouldn't be until a bit later, probably about 4 (it was 2:45 then). I said that was fine. 5 minutes later the phone rang. I thought it was probably my GP, as I had called earlier and left a message asking if she could call, as I wanted some sleeping tablets to take short term. I answered the phone and it was the CMHT. Of everyone in the CMHT who could have called me, this is the person I would not have wanted to speak to. I can't remember if I have written about him before or not.

He used to be my care coordinator and was a complete bloody incompetent, moronic, fuckwit. I spent the year that I was forced to see him requesting to see someone else (particularly as I had said before I even met him that I wanted to see a female), he spent the time saying he was just assessing me, and that when he had finished assessing me I might get to see someone else, or I might be discharged. I made complaints about him to the manager. I spoke to the people whose name I can't remember. What are they called? PALS. Yes. I spoke to my GP. My mum spoke to the manager. Everyone tried to get them to give me a different care coordinator, but they kept refusing. Originally I was just seeing him for a 3 month assessment. 3 months stretched to 6, 6 months to a year. I was supposed to see him fortnightly - he didn't think I needed seeing weekly. I mostly saw him monthly, as he was always on leave or busy. I cannot think of one positive thing to say about this man. He was by far the most incompetent mental health professional I have ever seen, and that is really saying something. He would spend 20 minutes every few weeks asking how I was and would then ignore the answer. If I smiled he said it was nice to see me happy. If I sat there on the verge of bursting into tears and saying I wanted to die he said I seemed a bit brighter. A couple of times when things were particularly bad he said I seemed a bit down today, but that he didn't think going into hospital would help me. Not that I had mentioned going into hospital. If I rung up between appointments because I was feeling desperate, I only had to mention the word suicide for him to say that he needed to speak to my mum (I was 23 - fuck off), and that I had to go to A&E to be assessed. What they were supposed to be assessing I was never sure, since my notes said not to admit me. I suspect it was because he knew I may well try and kill myself, and if he had sent me to A&E, then he could say at a tribunal that he had done everything he could as he had sent me to hospital to be assessed. Without fail I left appointments with him feeling even worse than I had when I had arrived. I hated seeing him, he must have known I hated seeing him (I was going to say he isn't stupid, but I think that actually he is) by my repeated requests to see somebody else. But he was incredibly reluctant to let me see anyone else. He lied and told me the reason I couldn't see a female was because none had any space on their case load. I have since found out that this was a complete lie. Apparently when someone had space I might be able to see them, although he thought I might be able to be discharged instead of seeing someone else. Just thinking about him makes me so bloody angry. So yes, he was a complete bloody fuckwit.

So who called today? He did of course! I answered the phone and nearly burst into tears when I heard his voice. I knew there was no way on earth that I could say how I was feeling, or he would make me go to A&E to be assessed, and I know from all of the times he made me do that before that it is an entirely pointless exercise. So I just wanted to get off the phone as quickly as possible. He asked why I had called, and I muttered something about just finding it a bit hard with L away. He asked what was going on. I was trying to think of the vaguest answers I possibly could because I didn't want to talk to him, and I didn't want to be sent to A&E. He asked what I had been doing with L that might help. I said I write a lot. He sounded slightly confused but asked if I thought I could do some writing. I said yes, despite having just done some writing. He asked if I was feeling suicidal. I said that I was having some suicidal thoughts, but I didn't feel at risk from them. I don't actually know how I feel about them, but there was no bloody way I was going to tell him that. He said that I knew if I was feeling suicidal then I would need to go to A&E to be assessed, but it sounded like maybe I didn't need to do that right at the moment? I agreed that I didn't need to do that at the moment. I was actually silently laughing by that point - it was just all so bloody ridiculous. I felt like I had been transported back in time a year and was stuck with that fuckwit as my care coordinator again. Except this time I had learnt to be sensible and not tell him the truth, because he is too incompetent to handle the truth. Shame I didn't realise that when he was my care coordinator. He then patronisingly asked if it would help if he told me that they were hoping that L would be back next week? I said I was already aware of that actually, as I had been sent a letter giving me an appointment with her. He said hopefully she would be back and that would make me feel better. I agreed. He said L had said I was doing a play or something, and was I excited about that? I said no, not at the moment. He said maybe I would be when it got closer. I said something non committal. He said he would tell her I had called when she was back, and what would I like him to tell her the reason I had called was? I thought that was something that he could work out for himself really, so I just said I would talk to her about it when I saw her. Speaking to him just made me so stressed and anxious and pissed off. Within about 30 seconds of picking up the phone I wanted to shoot either him or myself.

I probably sound like an ungrateful brat. I can't convey in writing how much I dislike this man, and what a useless twat he was when he was my care coordinator. I am also immensely pissed off that it was him who called me. I can't help feeling like he did it out of spite. He knows that I am not comfortable talking to him, because I told him so (politely) several times when he was my care coordinator. It also quite clearly says in my care plan (that I can't currently find) that when L is away I should be able to speak to a female whenever possible. Now whilst I am willing to accept that there probably are times when there is only a male available, for example if you call at 4:45 you have to accept whoever is around, I kind of doubt that at 2:45 there wasn't going to be a female available all afternoon for me to speak to. I was told it would be over an hour before I would be called back, but they weren't sure who it would be, which would certainly imply that the fuckwit who did call me back was not the only person in the office likely to be available that afternoon. I feel like he probably saw I had called and said he would call me back as he knows me, despite knowing that a) I prefer to speak to women, and b) I am uncomfortable with him. Whilst that may sound a little paranoid, it just seems unlikely that he was the only person in the whole office who was free this afternoon, and if there were other people available then I don't know why he would ring when he knows how I feel about him.

I am never calling the CMHT when L is off again. That has put me off for good.

Dr O rung about minutes after I had got off the phone to the moron. She is so bloody perky all the time, it is just strange! I answered the phone and got (imagine the chirpiest voice you can) 'Hellooo, it's mee!' I couldn't help laughing. She asked what I was calling for, and I asked if I could have some sleeping tablets please. She said she thought that was what I would be calling for, and why did I want them. I said I was feeling shit and she asked why, and I said that I didn't know, but I was just feeling really crap, and when I feel crap I sleep worse, and then that makes me feel even more crap. She said yes that was fine, and that I knew I could only have them alternate nights short term. I said I would rather have them every night short term to try and get into a better pattern, and she said that was fine, and she would send a script down to the chemist for me. The whole conversation was over in about a minute and a half! Normally if I feel bad and am asking for medication though she asks a lot more questions and checks I am not going to overdose on them and how suicidal I am feeling etc, and just generally asks me a lot more before agreeing to give me anything, but I expect she was in a rush, and it is fine because I got what I wanted from it, and I don't intend to overdose on them - I just want some good sleep. From tomorrow I will have some Zopiclone, and then hopefully I will get some good sleep and not wake up feeling so exhausted. I have to say I am not holding out great hopes, as I took Zopiclone for so many years that I became pretty immune to it, but it is a few months since I last had it, and that was only for a couple of weeks, and it must be about 9 months since I had it regularly, so maybe it will help a bit more now. It has to be worth a try. Anything is right now.

A break

I was supposed to be going to London today, but I didn't go. My mum was going to meet up with someone, and I had thought that since there are several things I need to do/buy in London, I may as well go as well, but by yesterday I really wasn't feeling like it. I set my alarm this morning for a time that would allow me decide whether or not to go, but I really just wasn't in the mood. I am really tired, so I might try and get some more sleep. I did manage to sleep before 6am last night - I think I got to sleep about 2, which is pretty impressive, as every other night this week it has been after 6, but I slept quite badly - I woke up loads, and it was just quite a disturbed night. And I only had about 6 hours sleep, including interruptions, so I woke up feeling pretty exhausted.

I am not sure what to do. I am finding that every day seems to be worse than the one before. The trouble is, I find my mood really starts to slip mid afternoon, and is really very bad by the evening, by which time there is nobody I can call. So then I decide that I just have to get through to the next day, and then I will call the CMHT, and then the next day comes, and although I am feeling bad, I don't start feeling really horrific and like I don't know if I can stay safe or not until it is too late. And so it goes on. I think I probably am safe, because I am in the kind of depression where I just have no energy to do anything, and my thoughts are all confused, and I couldn't plan how to walk out of the door, let alone my suicide. But the thoughts still whirr around in my head and are really distressing, and I just feel really alone. But if I called I don't know what I would say. Could say. I can't even formulate thoughts properly, let alone words.

I really, really wish that I could just shut off for a couple of weeks. Obviously given the choice completely I would rather just be dead, but I am aware that would upset people, and so I do try to think of alternatives when I can. And right now I would really like to have a couple of weeks where I don't have to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone, pretend to feel ok when I don't, have any responsibilities or committments. Anything. No rehearsals, no ballet, no line learning, no family, no feeling obliged to do anything. I just want a break I suppose. Need. I just feel completely drained and exhausted and stressed. Unfortunately I think suicide would be more possible than a complete break like that would be. Although I don't work, or have anything that other people would see as big committments, I find that all the little things just pile up and get me down when I am already struggling. And I need a break. A break from having to pretend everything is fine when it really isn't.

Slow brain

I am feeling really bloody shit. There is no other way of saying it really. Today has been crap. Woke up tired, yet again, after not being able to sleep last night, yet again. Weighed myself and had gained half a pound, so felt even more crap about myself. Debated calling the CMHT but didn't know what to say, since there is really only 1 person I would feel able to talk to, and didn't think I could call and ask who was on duty and then hang up if it was someone I didn't want to speak to. And I don't know what I would have said even if it had been the person I would feel able to talk to, because I don't even bloody know what is wrong - I just know that I feel shit and it seems to be getting worse, and I am having suicidal thoughts, and that isn't really a terribly constructive conversation, and there would be nothing she would have said that would have changed any of it. So I didn't bother.

I had ballet tonight. It was about the last thing I felt like doing, but going was easier than explaining to my mum why I didn't want to go. I am finding everything so stressful. I wish I wasn't doing Carousel. There is a stupid bloody countdown thing on the website that I have to check, as it says when I am called for rehearsals, and it is flashing 3 weeks and 5 days to go, 11 rehearsals remaining. That is freaking me out big time. I haven't learnt my lines, and whilst that would normally be a quick job, I have absolutely no concentration, and therefore have no idea how I am going to learn my lines, and it was books down this week - I was only saved by the fact that I had no rehearsals this week apart from a dance rehearsal, as they were doing Act 1 and I am only in Act 2. But next week is Act 2 time, and I don't know my lines. The big dance is also so far from being ready, and I am worried about getting some of the lifts etc perfected in time. I am generally just feeling stressed by it.

Tomorrow should have been a nice, quiet, stress free day, where I could stay in my PJs and do nothing. I had forgotten that Thursdays is the day I have to look after 5 year old nephew when he finishes school however. I got really anxious and panicked earlier thinking about it. I hate the responsibility of looking after someone else, particularly a hyper, bouncy something like my nephew is, and it just feels completely and utterly overwhelming when I am finding it so difficult to even look after myself. I wish my old next door neighbour hadn't moved - if she still lived there then she wouldn't have minded looking after him for me, but there is nobody now. I have just started crying because I feel so stressed about it. It is stupid, because I know it will be fine, but I just don't want to have to entertain a 5 year old and pretend to be fine and happy when I am feeling this bad.

I was really hoping I would have started feeling better by now, but every day seems to be harder than the one before. I really don't know what to do. I have spent about 5 hours writing this, and not doing much else - that is the kind of speed that my brain is working on. I am really struggling to keep going, I just feel like I can't cope anymore.

Zombified

My sleep is not getting any better. I don't seem to be able to sleep before 6am, and then when I wake up I am exhausted regardless of how much sleep I have had. I am getting really fed up of feeling so completely drained all the time. Motivation levels are non existant. My hair really needs washing but I can't be bothered - that takes more energy than I have at the moment, so I just keep leaving it, and it gets worse. I fully intended to wash it today, but then I woke up absolutely knackered, and it seemed like an utterly pointless thing to do, so I didn't bother. Yet again I have no idea what I have done with the day. I vaguely remember watching Neighbours earlier, but I couldn't tell you what happened in it. I think that was probably the highlight of the day. Oh no, actually, getting on the scales and not gaining was the highlight of the day, as I was worried I might have gained a little. I am feeling increasingly zombified. Somehow I need to change something, because I can't keep going like this. I don't know how though. The suicidal thoughts are getting quite intense. I think maybe I need help, but I don't know who I can get it from with L away. And since nobody can make the thoughts go away, is there any point in even trying to get help anyway? Maybe it is better just to act on them. Telling someone how I am feeling isn't going to change anything, so it seems pretty futile. I am so tired.

Not quite with it

I seem to be pepetually exhausted at the moment. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I wake up feeling absolutely exhausted and completely drained. And then still can't get to sleep at night. I suppose it is just tiring feeling so awful all the time - it really takes it out of you. I had ballet this evening, followed by a dance rehearsal for Carousel. Ballet was ok. Rehearsal was okish, but I am still not happy with the dance. I feel like I have eaten too much today. I had lost weight again today, and so am now only 1 pound higher than the weight I had got down to, and I really, really want to have lost again tomorrow and I just don't think I am going to have, and I am really quite terrified of gaining again. I feel like losing weight is quite important at the moment, or at least not gaining. I am so on edge mood wise, and gaining weight can just tip me off completely when I am feeling like this. I am not doing anything tomorrow. That is a good thing. I am not really with it today. I keep getting confused about the day and the time and what I am supposed to be doing. Everything is confusing me. I don't actually know where today has gone. I didn't seem to do anything at all before I went off to ballet, and that wasn't until after 5. Ah well. I hope that I don't wake up so exhausted tomorrow. And I really hope my weight has gone down...

Crying

I very, very rarely cry at films, TV programmes, books etc. I just don't. I never have done really. Very occasionally I will, but it really is very occasional - I can watch a film and everyone else in the cinema be in floods of tears, and I'm just not. Sometimes if I find something very sad then my eyes prick a bit, but I don't actually cry. It is so rare that any actual tears come out, that I can't remember the last time. So why on earth did I end up sobbing hysterically when watching Charlotte's Web on TV earlier?! I had seen it was on and though oh I always I liked that book, not seen this film version, I will watch that. I ended up this inconsolable mess, bawling my eyes out. For at least 15 minutes. Probably more. I actually felt completely devastated by it. I was still crying by the end, which is supposed to be happy. What is wrong with me?! I can sit through films about loads of people dying, terribly sad things happening, tragedies, and yet the death of a spider sends me into a complete state. Something is wrong there...

Tired

I am really tired. Which is ridiculous as I didn't wake up until 3 this afternoon. Which is also ridiculous. I am sleeping really badly at the moment. And still totally lacking concentration. I tried to start reading a new book I got out the library last night and I couldn't even get through the first paragraph. And it really isn't anything complex - it is a James Patterson book. I read books like that when I have no concentration. What do you do when you don't have the concentration to read the things you read when you have no concentration? I have Clueless on at the moment, which was my favourite film when I was about 10 and I can't even bloody concetrate on it. I don't know what to do with myself. On the plus side I lost a pound since yesterday, which is making me feel slightly better about myself. Although I am still a pound heavier than I was this time last week, which is pretty shit. I really should shower and wash my hair today but I am just too tired and I can't be bothered. I need to have more energy than this tomorrow as I have a ballet class followed by a dance rehearsal. I really feel like everything is too much right now - I don't want to go out at all. I don't want to see anyone. There needs to be a way of pausing life so I don't have to do anything.

Quiter day

I am still feeling really shit, but it has been really good not having to do anything or go anywhere today. People always say that keeping busy is good for you and will distract you and make you feel better etc, but I just don't find that works - when I feel really bad I find that the more I do the worse I feel. I just get increasingly stressed and pressured and overwhelmed, and it puts me in a worse place than I would be if I had sat at home on my own doing absolutely nothing. I can cope with doing maybe a couple of things in a week, but more than that starts getting too much, and this week was 2 ballet classes, a photo shoot, 2 meals and a birthday party - that was just way more than I can cope with. I feel pathetic for saying that, as some people manage to go out to work and do all sorts of things, even when they are feeling bad, but I just find the more I do the worse I feel. Next week will hopefully be a bit quieter - I have 2 ballet classes and 1 rehearsal, but I think that is all. Or that is all I have in my diary at the moment - I am sure some other things will pop up, but I really hope not too much.

I have purged 4 times this week. Whilst in the grand scheme of things this isn't that much - a lot of people do it far more than that, and there have been periods when I was purging that much every day - it isn't that great for someone who doesn't consider themselves to do that any more. In my head purging is something I used to do, rather than something I still do, but clearly that isn't quite true... I don't want to get into purging a lot again. I am much more comfortable with restricting - I don't feel bad about myself then in the same way I do when I purge - but if I eat things I think I shouldn't have, or have the opportunity to purge then I just need to. But it hurts my throat, and therefore my voice, and makes me feel shitty and it is not nice. I need to be able to get back into restricting and losing weight. Since a few weeks ago when I got back from Cornwall and aimed to lose 1.4lbs a week on average, I have gained a pound. That is really shit. At first it was going alright - I wasn't losing much, but it was at least going the right way. Then this last week I have just gained loads - I think I have just been feeling so low that I have stopped caring in the same way and been comfort eating, but I still do care when I gain, and I feel so terrible about myself now.

The suicidal thoughts are still really strong. I am finding I am constantly thinking about when would be the best time for me to act on the thoughts - when I would have the longest before being found, what the best thing to do is. Just planning basically. Quite obsessively. I don't know what to do.

Hideous afternoon!

I started writing this earlier. I was then interrupted, and have finished the rest now. First paragraph was written at 3pm - the rest now.

So it is my nephew's birthday party at the moment. I am not there. The plan was for my mum and I to pick up older nephew when he finished school at 3:15, as we live near the school, and take him back to theirs, and then there would be the party. This morning whilst I was asleep this all changed. Older nephew throw a tantrum about going to school when other people were getting ready for the party, and since my sister seems to want to encourage her son to become a spoilt brat, she phoned the school and said he would be in during the morning, but then my mum would pick him up at lunch time, and would then take him back so he could help etc. Naturally I didn't know about this as I was asleep, and since I hadn't got to sleep until about 6:30 I had set my alarm for 2, to give me time to get ready and go. My mum woke me up at 1 saying she was going to pick up my nephew in 20 minutes so I needed to hurry up - I said I couldn't get ready in 20 minutes as I needed to have a shower and wash my hair etc. Just before she went to pick him up she said she could bring him back here after she collected him for a while to give me time to get ready. So she went off to get him, I went and got in the shower, she came back, I got out the shower. She asked how long I would be and I said about half an hour. She said they couldn't wait that long and went without me. I am pissed off about the whole thing. I feel like complete shit, so didn't even want to go, but knew I would never hear the end of it if I didn't, so was prepared to go. I am pissed off that she then told me she would wait for me to get ready, so I bothered to get out of bed and in the shower, and then she changed her mind and went off without me. I may as well have stayed asleep. I am pissed off because the stupid party wasn't even supposed to start for another half hour, and that is when other people will be arriving. I didn't want to go anyway, but I know that my sister will be really pissed off with me for not being there, and that she will now be in a bad mood with me for at least the next month, probably longer, and it isn't my bloody fault. Everything always seems to be my fault though.

So it is now 9:30, and I ended up going to the party after all. My ex next door neighbour was going, and to get to my sisters from where she is living now she has to more or less go past our house anyway, so my mum spoke to her and she said she would collect me on her way there, so she picked me up about half 3. I have to say that my heart sunk slightly when my mum called and said that, as despite knowing my sister would be pissed off with me for not going, I was really feeling quite relieved, and had got back into my PJs and was in bed and quite relieved that a) I wouldn't have to be around people, and b) I wouldn't have to be around food, so when I suddenly heard that I was going to be going after all and had 10 minutes to get ready I wasn't overjoyed, but knew I would get too much grief to make it worthwhile not going when I didn't even have a valid excuse, so I threw on some clothes and a bit of make up and off I went.

The party was pretty hideous. I really do not like being around people, and I just find children far too much. I definitely have nothing even remotely maternal about me. Even children I like, I only like for very short lengths of time before I find them irritating. I do not want children. At all. They are so loud and just too much - everything about them is just too much. Little nephew, whose party it was is fine - he has recently started walking on his own and so is just quite sweet toddling about and grinning at people, but older nephew is loud, and then my niece (brother's daughter) was also there - she is 6, and then there was another 5 year old who is older nephew's friend, and is a complete brat - I always inwardly groan when I see him. And then ex next door neighbour's 20 month old girl was there, but she was pretty ok too. And then having to sit around and make small talk with my sister's in laws was dull and crap, and I got the usual 'So what are you doing now?' questions that I loathe answering. Luckily, since I have had a fair bit of perfoming things on lately - the Shakespeare in July, and now Carousel, and then the concert in December, I can make myself sound fairly busy and not such a loser as I usually sound when I say 'Oh, nothing much really...'. Then there was lots of party type food, which I ate too much of, and so feel like shit. The first hour, even 2 hours, weren't too awful - the children were in the garden, so it was mostly just the small talk to contend with. Then it got louder and louder and more and more chaotic, and I ended up having to go off and sit in a room by myself and cry because I was just feeling so overwhelmed and stressed and tired, and wanting to be home. Some people were starting to leave by that time, but naturally not us. Older nephew ended up having the tantrum to end all tantrums - I have seriously never seen anything like it apart from on Supernanny. He is usually a sweet child - he is a bit loud and over the top, but that is just 5 year old boyness, but my goodness, he actually turned into the horror child from hell. I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing - it was just awful.

Anyway, we finally got home at about 8 and it was such a relief - I had a headache from the noise, I felt sick from the food, and I was just feeling so low. I don't have to go anywhere over the weekend, which is such a relief. I have actually been feeling so low and suicidal that I even briefly considered calling the CMHT earlier, but I fairly quickly decided against it, because there is absolutely nothing they could do, and I didn't want to risk being told to go to A&E. I figure I will either cope or I won't, and speaking to someone I don't really know or trust isn't going to change that - I will still either cope or I won't. It is hard, because when I feel this low I always have fairly ambivalent feelings about help - I want it because I need something to make me feel less awful, but I don't want it because I just want to die, and don't want to risk anyone interfering with that, but it is harder at the moment because the only person I trust to talk to honestly about how I am feeling, and who actually does help me isn't there, so that kind of just leaves the suicidal thoughts to get stronger and stronger. I hate this.

Crap day

Today has been difficult. I knew it would be. I slept badly yet again last night, so have been very tired again. Even when I haven't had much sleep though, I still can't sleep any better the next night - I don't understand it. It is very frustrating. Today started badly. For a start my alarm went off and I had that weird thing when it just completely shocks you and you have no idea where you are or what that noise is, and then when I realised it was my alarm I had no idea why I had set it and nearly turned it off. I then realised it was going off because I was going out for lunch with T, and my heart sunk. I did not want to have to go out and have to be sociable and pretend to be fine and happy and I did not want to eat out, particularly at lunch time, when I generally don't like eating until the evening. It then got even worse when I went to weigh myself and had gained yet again. I haven't been this heavy since I was on holiday, pre stomach bug. I feel like a complete bloody failure - I have gained nearly 3lbs in the last week or so. This often happens - as my mood gets lower I lose the motivation to focus on my weight the way I do normally, and I just end up comfort eating. It is ridiculous, as comfort eating does not help me, and it does not make me feel better - I just feel guilty for being such a greedy pig. And then obviously my weight goes up the next day and I feel even worse about myself and even more depressed, and end up comfort eating yet again. So anyway, I was in about the worst place I could be emotionally for going out for a meal, and I had only been awake for 15 minutes.

We went to a local pub that does good food. T had a main meal and I had a baguette. We both had desserts. I felt hideous eating the whole thing. I felt greedy and disgusting, and was worried about gaining again tomorrow. Naturally I purged - I just can't seem to help myself when I eat out. I rarely purge when I am at home nowadays, but when I am out I just have to do it. I then had the bloody disaster of the toilet refusing to flush. Not because of my purging - it just didn't have any water coming into it when I flushed the handle. So that was fun. In the end I had to just put the toilet seat down and leave....

Tomorrow is yet another fun packed day. It was baby nephew's 1st birthday today (what is it with this week and birthdays - my dad, T and baby nephew within 2 days!), so tomorrow we have to go to my sister's for his little birthday party thing. Which will involve food and cake no doubt.

I had a letter from the CMHT today, so that was fun. It said;

'Dear Bippidee,
As you may know L has been off work for a few weeks. I am expecting her back week commencing 27th September and so would like to offer you an appointment at the CMHT for Tuesday 28th at 11am. If this date is not convenient, or of course if you would like to speak to a member of the team in the interim, please contact the office and we can make the necessary arrangements.
Yours sincerely,
The Manager'

So that was lovely to finally receive some communication from them. I particularly liked 'as you may know L has been off work for a few weeks'. Really?? You know I hadn't noticed. Since you told me she would be back the next day I just assumed she had been ignoring me for the last 3 weeks. But anyway, hopefully I have an appointment with her in nearly 2 weeks. Unless she is off for longer of course. And assuming I can get through the next 2 weeks, which feels fairly unlikely at the moment. The suicidal thoughts are very strong. I do not want to be here. At all. I am just finding it harder and harder to keep going.

I want out

I am feeling really awful today. I feel like I have been slowed down. My brain is going slowly, I am moving slowly. It takes me ages to do anything. I have just been in bed, but when I have needed to get up for the toilet or something it has taken me so long to find the energy to do it. I slept for quite a long while last night, although not until after 5am, but I still feel completely exhausted. I have ballet tonight but I really don't want to go. I feel so terrible and so slow and it just seems an utterly absurd thing to do. What on earth is the point of jumping and spinning around a room for an hour? What does it achieve? When I feel like this I just feel absolutely baffled by everything - I don't understand the point of anything. It just confuses me. I know there must be a reason why I do ballet, but I honestly couldn't say what it is right now. I am also feeling shit because the stupid bloody meal last night made me gain over a pound today. I am now 2lbs heavier than I was this time last week. That is not fucking okay. I do not want to get into a bloody leotard and tights and prance around looking like a bloody elephant. To make matters even worse, it is T's birthday tomorrow, and I have agreed to go out for lunch with him. That will be another fucking pound. Plus I don't want to go out for another meal. I don't want to have to socialise and pretend to be normal. I really can't cope with all of this. I feel like I am going into meltdown mode. There is just all of this stuff going on and I can't bloody deal with it. It is too much and I can't cope. The suicidal thoughts are getting stronger and stronger and I just want out.

Difficult patch

I am really struggling. I suppose being so exhausted all day hasn't helped, but I am just feeling so low anyway. I spent most of the afternoon feeling too tired and shit to move, and then in the end decided I really had to start getting ready to go off to the photo call as it was getting late. That was alright I suppose. I got dumped in an awful skirt and blouse that were both about 4 sizes too big (no exaggeration) that had to be pinned liberally for the publicity pictures, but they looked alright from the front once pinned I guess. Then just had to have my headshot done (back in normal clothes) which only took a minute.

After that I was going out for a meal with my parents for my Dad's birthday. I didn't actually want to eat out. My weight has been going up anyway lately - slowly, but it is still moving in the wrong direction - and so eating out felt quite scary, plus of course it is very difficult to sit and make conversation and pretend everything is fine when you are feeling like complete shit and sitting there contemplating suicide. But I didn't like to say I didn't want to go since it was his birthday, so off we went to Pizza Express. I ate a pizza and then shared a dessert with my Mum. I naturally felt like complete shit after that and did purge. To be honest it ended up being a pretty half assed job, as my mum came into the toilets only a few minutes after I had gone in, so I hadn't had time to do much, but I didn't want to risk carrying on with somebody in there (I didn't actually know it was her at the time - just that someone had come in). I also felt really low and crap all night and just wanted to get home and be by myself.

I am really finding everything so difficult. It has definitely got to the point where I don't know if I can keep going. I am feeling so desperate and terrible, and I don't know how to make things feel easier. I also don't see the point. Even in my 'good' patches, I still feel crap. I still think about suicide on a daily basis. I still don't really enjoy anything. And then the bad patches come along, and I just can't deal with them. And if I want to die even when I am doing better, then really I don't see the point in fighting it. If I were to kill myself it wouldn't be some impulsive thing because I was having a bad day. I don't remember the last time a day went by without me thinking that I wanted to die. And that is really fucking exhausting. In some ways I am coping, even at the moment when I am feeling so bad. I am going to rehearsals. I went to ballet on Monday. Therefore I am functioning. So I must be fine. But in some ways I am not coping. I am having constant suicidal thoughts. I have no concentration, so I can't read or learn lines or do anything else constructive. My sleep is terrible. My eating is not great. I have no motivation. I only get dressed when it is absolutely essential because I have to leave the house, ie when I have rehearsal. The same goes for showering. I spend the rest of the time in my bed. A lot of it just staring into space, because I don't have the concentration or motivation to do anything else. I hate being around people, so avoid whenever possible. So am I functioning? I don't know. I don't even know if it matters. Ultimately it doesn't really make any difference. I am not going to think 'well I went to rehearsal last night, so things must be ok, therefore I won't kill myself today', and neither would I think 'I missed a rehearsal, therefore I can't cope with life and need to kill myself'. I don't know if I will kill myself or not. There is absolutely no question in my mind that death is what I want, but I don't want to upset people, and unfortunately that is an inevitable consequence. Even if I know that they would be better off without me, they wouldn't see that, and I know that. It is definitely difficult not having anyone to talk to with L away. It makes me feel very isolated. Which I am actually, and to a large degree it is self enforced, but that is because I find it too difficult to put on a happy mask for extended periods of time, which is what I have to do when I am around people. L is the only person that I ever feel I can be completely honest with about how I am feeling, and without her I think I am just closing off from the world even more than I do normally when I am feeling bad. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can get through this period. I don't know if I have the energy to. I don't even know if I want to.

It is 1am, and I am exhausted again. I want to sleep, but I am terrified of having another night like last night when I sleep for an hour or so and then spend hours and hours trying to sleep and getting increasingly stressed because I can't. I really just can't cope with things any more. It all feels too much. I can't do it.

Bad night

I feel like shit. I am absolutely exhausted. My sleep is just getting worse and worse. Last night I was really tired at 1am, which was great because I thought I would be able to get an early night for me. I was asleep by about half 1, but only slept for an hour, and then woke up and was completely wide awake. I sat up for a while, then tried to go back to sleep. No luck. I spent hours and hours trying to go back to sleep. In the end I managed to at about 9:30 this morning and slept until 2. I woke up just feeling totally shattered. I have had about 5 and a half hours sleep, so I shouldn't be as exhausted as I am, but it was all so broken up, and I spent so many hours just lying in bed not being able to sleep, and I now feel really rough. I also have big bags and black circles under my eyes, which obviously looks highly unattractive, and I have to have my photo taken tonight for my programme photo for Carousel.

CMHT crapness

I have decided my CMHT are shit. Not necessarily the individuals working there (L is great for example), but as an organisation or whatever they are shit. 2 weeks ago they called me to say that L wasn't there that day and so my appointment was cancelled, and that she would probably be back the next day and would ring to rearrange then. That is the only time they have contacted me. I have rung twice since then and asked if she is there and been told she is still away, but they didn't ask my name or anything, so they don't know that it was me who rung, and that I know she is still away. So she has been off for 2 weeks, is likely to be off for quite a while longer, and the only thing I have heard from them is being told that she would probably be back the next day 2 weeks ago. I think that is quite shit to be honest. They haven't rung to say she is going to be off for longer than they first thought. They haven't rung and asked how I am, or if I need to speak to anyone else since she isn't there, and I usually see her at least once a week, or twice in bad periods. I have just had absolutely no contact. Admittedly, there is probably only one, possibly two, other members of staff there I would even consider talking to about how I feel, but that isn't the point. I just don't understand how they can decide that I need seeing weekly, and then not even call for weeks just because L is off. That seems strange. Either I need weekly contact, or I don't. Plus of course I was away the week before that, so it is now 4 weeks since I have spoken to anybody. It all seems rather inconsistant. It isn't L's fault - she is away, but I feel like CMHTs should have some kind of system in place for when a member of staff is going to be away for more than a week or so. I had a care coordinator a few years ago, when I was under a different team, who went off sick, and at first it was just going to be that week, then it got longer and longer, and actually she never did come back, but I was left for months with no support, after seeing her weekly. There is always someone on duty, but calling in and asking to speak to the person on duty is a lot harder than if someone calls and asks how you are. And it isn't even that, not having anyone to talk to - it is more that they haven't actually called to say she will be away for a while. I am not sure if I have unreasonable expectations in thinking I should be told my CPN is going to be off for longer than the day they originally said, or if they just are shite.

Middle of the night thoughts

It is 3:30am and I don't know what to do with myself. I am not sleepy. Not at all. Exhausted, but not sleepy. I don't know what to do. It's funny. I read so much normally. Even if I am not feeling too great I can read children's books, or fast paced books like thrillers, but when I feel really bad it is like I forget how to read. Of course I can still read the words, but they don't go into my head. I read a sentence, and have no idea what it actually said. So I give up. Occasionally I persevere and get through a chapter, and then realise that I can't even remember the name of the character, let alone anything that actually happened. At that point I generally realise it is quite futile even trying to read, and give up until my mood starts to pick up a bit. I try and carry on reading simpler things, like blogs and message boards - nice little short manageable things. But often the same thing happens. I read a blog update and have to keep going back over and over it. Sometimes I just give up, like with books. Reading is what I usually do in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. I am not sure what to do with myself when that option isn't there.

There is nobody to talk to. Obviously my parents are asleep. My friends are asleep. Nobody is online. I could go and talk to the dog, but even he doesn't seem to appreciate it very much when I go downstairs in the middle of the night. I don't even know if I want to speak to anyone. Some of the time at the moment I just want to shut the whole world out. My family. My friends. Everyone. Nobody can say anything that will make me feel any better, so there is no point talking about how I feel. And how am I supposed to talk about anything else, when that is all I can think about? But sometime I just feel really lonely. Completely isolated. I can't talk to anybody, because there is nobody to talk to. I don't like worrying people, so I can't talk to family or friends. And there is also an element of me that is wanting to keep quiet about how I am feeling because the suicidal thoughts are very strong, and they are saying that if nobody knows then nobody can try and stop me. Not that anyone could actually stop me killing myself, but they could make it more difficult for me. Well, I suppose technically I could be stopped if I was in hospital, but I am confident that won't ever happen again.

Sometimes I feel like there are two mes. Two voices inside my head. Well there are two voices inside my head, but they are both mine - they aren't actual voices. Just out loud thoughts I suppose. But they do have conversations about things, and I don't know which side the outside of my head me agrees with. For example, the suicidal voice is quite liking the fact that L is away. It knows that normally I would talk to L if I was having suicidal thoughts, and that would help me to get through them. It also knows that one of the things that bothers me about killing myself is feeling guilty because of how much L has always supported me, and knowing that if I killed myself and she had known I was suicidal (which she would know if she was there, because I always tell her what I am thinking) that she would have to justify all her actions and decisions etc at a tribunal, and maybe she would feel guilty or something for not being able to stop me. I don't know. It just knows that I don't want to let L down, and killing myself would be the ultimate way of letting her down I suppose. But if she isn't there, that doesn't apply. She doesn't know how I am feeling. She wouldn't have to justify anything. There would be no guilt. It keeps reminding me of all of that. How much easier it would be to do it now, when she isn't about, than it would be when she is there. Not easier in physical/practical terms, but emotionally. So the suicidal side is seeing quite a lot of positives. Then there is the other side - the side that wants help. The side that often pisses me off by being too needy, too emotional. I am not sure what to call it. I suppose essentially it is my survival instinct, so I will call it the survival side. The survival side really isn't liking L being away. It is like it has lost its main support in surviving. She is the person I talk to, who I tell how I feel, and who helps me cope with it. She doesn't take it away, because nobody can do that, but she listens, and she doesn't judge, and she supports me, and knowing she is there to do that helps me survive. My survival side is panicking a bit about not having that. Although technically there are other people I could speak to - whoever is on duty at the CMHT, or maybe my GP - it knows I won't, because I don't trust those people. The suicidal side would not allow me to call the CMHT and say how I am feeling, and what thoughts I am having. I don't think any side of me would want to do that actually. I don't trust people, and of course there is nothing they can do. And there is absolutely no way whatsoever that I will be taking any trips to A&E, which is always a risk when telling someone how you feel. So yes, survival side is finding it very difficult not having L around. Survival side's first instinct when feeling bad is always to speak to L, and it seems a bit short on other suggestions. The only thing is has come up with is to try and keep thinking of things to stay alive for - as I said before, at the moment that is my Dad's birthday on Tuesday. After that it will have to try and think of something else. And to take Diazepam if I feel overwhelmed. But that is hardly rocket science. I sound like a complete idiot talking about 2 sides of me thinking things as though they are people, but that is how it feels. As a whole I have no idea what I think or feel. It changes all the time - one minute I am with suicidal side, the next I am trying to listen to survival side. I don't know where I am. I just know I am confused and overwhelmed by it all. It is tiring having a battle in your head the whole time.

'Ooh, Thank you, doctor, Valium is my favorite color. How'd you know?' - Next To Normal

Jumbled thoughts

I haven't written anything for a couple of days, partly because I haven't had the energy to, and partly because I haven't known what to write. I still don't actually. I am completely exhausted. My sleep has been really bad, particularly this last week. The worse I feel, the worse my sleep gets - I get to sleep later and later. I don't know why. I am very tired. My weight is a bit crap - I have gained the last couple of days. Not much, but gaining at all makes me feel bad. I have decided why losing weight doesn't really make me feel anything at the moment but gaining does - I know that if I weighed a stone less I would still be feeling like this, my mood would still be like this - it wouldn't be some miracle cure that would make me happy, therefore it doesn't seem terribly relevant. But being a stone heavier would make me feel even worse, and that is why gaining weight makes me feel bad even though losing weight doesn't make me feel good. I have spent about 2 hours writing this. I just can't concentrate on anything or think properly. I have to write my programme bio for Carousel. I have had 2 weeks to do it, and it absolutely has to be done today. I can't bloody write about myself in 3rd person. I feel like a twat. And I don't know how to make it more interesting than just a list of parts I have played, because who wants to read that?! The suicidal thoughts are pretty strong. Just concentrating on getting to Tuesday at the moment. Only 2 days. I have ballet tomorrow night. First class back after the summer. That will hurt. Although it might not be too bad because I have obviously had several dance rehearsals for Carousel lately, so am fairly flexible from stretching at those warming up etc. I am 2.4lbs heavier than I wanted to be by tomorrow. I had set myself a short term target weight for going back to dance, and have totally missed it. Failure.

One wish

I am struggling a lot. L is going to be off for at least the next couple of weeks apparently. I can't imagine being able to get through that time. I am feeling really awful. I am trying to find things to keep going for. It is my Dad's birthday on Tuesday, so I am taking that as my goal to reach. After that maybe I will be able to find something else, or maybe I won't. I don't know. I don't really care at the moment either. I just know that everything feels too much - too big, too hard, too scary, and I don't know how to cope with it. I wish I could just erase myself from life. Make it so that I had never existed, so that I could disappear without upsetting people. That would be my one wish, if I could wish for anything. To just not exist. The song lyrics from yesterday feel so right at the moment. I am falling, fast, and the only person who can ever help to stop me from falling, or slow it down, isn't around. I just want to cry and cry, but I feel empty and numb.

Catch Me I'm Falling

'Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling
Faster than anyone should
Catch me I'm falling
Please hear me calling
Catch me I'm falling for good

Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling
Losing myself in the air
Catch me I'm falling
Don't leave me crawling
Catch me and show me you care
 
Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling
Flying head first into fate
Catch me I'm falling
Please hear me calling
Catch me before it's too late
Catch me before it's too late
Catch me before it's too late
Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling'

- Catch Me I'm Falling (Next To Normal)

These lyrics feel very accurate at the moment. I am not sure what else I can say. This is how I am feeling. The song is from a fantastic musical called Next To Normal, which is about a woman with Bipolar. It is actually part of another song - the two overlap, but these are the lyrics that feel pertinent at the moment, so I am ignoring the rest.

Crap day

Today is going to be one of those days. I woke up because the dog was barking his head off, and I thought maybe he needed to go out, so I let him out, then heard him roaring over to the gate barking, so dashed outside, and there were two people from the water board there wanting to install a meter. Needless to say I was in my pyjamas, having just woken up. It was not an acceptable time to be seen in pyjamas (1:45pm) so I mumbled something about not being well whilst they asked me questions about the water supply that I didn't have a clue about.

I can hear new neighbours moving in next door. My old neighbours have gone, and the new ones are moving in today. I should probably go and introduce myself really, but that would mean getting dressed and making myself look presentable, and I really can't be bothered with that. My nephew will be here in about half an hour. I am hoping he will be happy just to play outside with the dog, because I really can't be bothered to do anything. Tonight I am going to the cinema with T to see Salt. Not in the mood for it, but this was the first evening in the last 2 weeks that we were both free, so I didn't like to say no. My concentration is awful, so I probably won't have a clue what is going on, and will be totally confused by the whole thing. I had intended showering and washing my hair and getting dressed before my nephew arrived, since I will have to before going out anyway, but I have been too exhausted and felt too shit to get out of bed, so I will have to throw on some clothes and shower later when he has gone. I really have zero motivation today. I just want to go back to sleep, and stay asleep. Just getting out of bed feels too difficult at the moment. And I will have a hyperactive 5 year old here in 20 minutes. That will really help the situation. I just want to tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone. But you can't really say that to a 5 year old.....

Still not great

Still feeling crap. I have been sleeping badly the last week or two, which isn't helping. Had gained a bit of weight again today - another 0.2 of a pound. The trouble is with little 0.2 of a pound, is that they sound like nothing, and yet they add up. I really need the number to go down again tomorrow. My sister is here again. I can hear her downstairs. I don't know why she is always coming over. My mum isn't even here, so what on earth is the point? And then she always gets food for the children and leaves absolutely everything out, so the kitchen looks like a bombsite. I haven't even gone downstairs - if she calls later I will just say I didn't realise she was here or something. My mood is still really low and I am not managing to get anything done or concentrate on anything. I am really missing L - I still have no idea when she will be back.

Another day

Yes, gaining weight definitely still bothers me. Admittedly it was only 0.2 of a pound, which rationally I can see doesn't really even count, but it does count, and it does bother me. So that confirms yesterday's theory that losing weight doesn't seem to really matter, ie it doesn't make me feel any better, but gaining weight definitely makes me feel worse.

The rehearsal last night was actually ok. I really wasn't in the mood, even after I had been there for a while. An hour or so in I was just thinking how much I wanted to go home - I had just been doing some of my acting scenes, and was warming up for the ballet, and I just couldn't be bothered. I was doing these ridiculously half hearted stretches and wishing I was at home. In the end I did warm up properly, because I knew I would just injure myself if I didn't, and actually when we got going it was quite fun. We were working on the pas de deux section for the first time, and I have done very little in the way of pas de deux before, so I had to really concentrate on it, as some of the lifts were really quite complicated. I was really quite stressed and self conscious before we started that I was going to be too heavy for him to be able to lift me properly, and it would be really awkward, but he must be very strong as he didn't seem to have any problems.

I am going to the theatre tonight with my mum. I don't really feel like it, but I booked it before I was feeling like this, so I didn't know I would be in a hibernating mood by now. I am sure it will be good and I will enjoy it - I just feel like I want to stay at home at the moment. I don't have any more rehearsals this week, so that is one good thing - I don't have to go out any other evenings. Or days come to that. In fact, I probably don't actually have to leave the house until next Monday after tonight. That feels like a good thing at the moment. I am really missing L though. I am struggling a lot, and it is really difficult not having her to talk to. And I am worried about her, because it must be something quite serious for her to be off for a second week. I really hope that she is ok, and that she is back soon.

Struggling

Today is feeling much the same as yesterday. I am tired, feeling very low and just want to block out the world. The only positive at all I can find is that my weight has gone down the last couple of days - I have somehow lost a little over a pound in the last 2 days, and am now at a very slightly lower weight than I was pre-holiday. Unfortunately, because I feel so shit, even losing weight isn't making me feel good. Although I am sure that gaining weight would still make me feel bad. But it just all seems a bit irrelevant. So I have lost a pound? Big deal - it isn't going to make me feel better or change my life. And yet gaining weight would be catastrophic. Which is a bit weird really. At the moment it seems like I feel like my weight doesn't matter, as long as it is going down, which is obviously something of a contradiction....

I have a rehearsal tonight, which I am really not in the mood for. I wish I could pull a sickie, but that would mean the whole rehearsal would be no good, as it is a dance rehearsal for the Act 2 ballet that is primarily me. So I will have to go, and pretend to be happy and sociable, and everything that I am not feeling.

I rung the CMHT to see if L was there - they said she is off sick. I asked if they knew when she would be back, and they said no. When they first called last Tuesday and said she was off, they said she should be back the next day. Then I called on Thursday and they said she would be back at the beginning of this week. Now they don't know when she will be back. I hope that she is ok, but obviously this isn't good timing for me to not have any support. It is 3 weeks now since I last saw her, because I was away, and then she was off last week, and now it is looking like she won't even be back this week. I am not sure what to do. I don't know if I can get through this week on my own - things are really getting on top of me. I could call and ask to speak to whoever is on duty, but I don't trust anyone else, and so I wouldn't be able to talk to them properly, so I don't think it would help. And I don't want to end up speaking to one of the fuckwits who would say I had to go to A&E if I mentioned the word suicidal, because that is an entirely pointless exercise. So it looks like I am on my own. And I really feel like I am.

Low

I am struggling. I feel completely lifeless today. I haven't even had the energy to write here. I have spent the whole day in bed - mostly watching crap on youtube I think, although I have lost some time, so there was probably some staring into space going on. I am currently sitting here comfort eating, which isn't actually remotely comforting as I am aware of all the calories, and how it will make me feel when I weigh myself tomorrow, but I feel too shit to care.

Grumpy

I am feeling pretty crap. Everything just seems wrong. Weight loss this week has been an epic failure - I have lost a sum total of half a pound, which is so little as to not even count. The trouble is, when I get more depressed, I either pretty much lose my appetite (rarely), or I want to comfort eat (frequently). I stop concentrating on my weight quite so much - I would be lying if I said I didn't care about it, or I didn't think about it, but the time I would usually spend thinking about my weight and food is replaced by thoughts about suicide and death, so I tend to be more relaxed with my eating than I would be when things are slightly better mood wise, and the eating disordered thoughts take over and I go into restricting mode. The trouble is, I still care about my weight enough that it upsets me when I don't lose weight, or when I look in the mirror, but I don't have the will power to restrict, because just getting through the day takes up all the energy and motivation I have. So I end up upset, but too tired to do anything about it. We went to a fete this afternoon. I ate an ice cream and 2 cupcakes, and so now feel completely shit about myself.

My sister and her family are now over for dinner. That is difficult for 2 reasons - firstly because it is people here and I don't want to see people, and secondly because it means my mum is cooking a big dinner with dessert etc, and I don't want to eat anything more today, but I will end up eating more, and will have gained weight tomorrow, and will therefore feel even worse. I just want everyone to go and leave me alone. I am really hating having people around or having to see people at the moment. I just want to shut the whole world out. It is times like this when I really wish that I lived on my own. My mum and I end up arguing all the time, and that just makes me feel worse, and then this is the second day running that my sister and her children have been here, and I just feel myself getting more and more irritated and grumpy and pissed off, and just a complete bitch really. I don't want to see friends, I don't want to have people over, I don't want to have to go out to rehearsals. I just want to stay in my bedroom and hide away from the world.

Another exciting day....

It has been a pretty uneventful day. A few days ago I had ordered a Sims expansion pack online, because I thought it might give me something to do and keep me occupied and distracted for a while, and that arrived this morning. I installed it and tried to play it but just couldn't be bothered - I couldn't concentrate and it just didn't interest me, so I gave up after a while. I am just trying to find something that will interest me and hold my attention and there is nothing. Last week when I was away, I was starting to feel like I was on the edge of things getting worse again, and I tried to make a mental list of things that I like doing so that I could use it if things did get worse. I came up with a few things. The trouble is, I had forgotten how much my concentration and motivation disappear, and so it has rendered my list useless. Reading? Yes, great when things aren't too bad, but I can't get through a page again now. In the week I was away I read 4 books - since I have been home I have read 1 book, and that was in the first couple of days after I got home. Since then I have been trying and trying and can't even get through 1 chapter. Logic puzzles - I like logic puzzles. I tend to forget about them for the majority of the year, but for some reason I always take a puzzle book on holiday with me, and get one at Christmas, and the logic puzzles are always my favourite. But I can't do them now. I stare at them and they just make no sense to me. How on earth am I supposed to work them out? And why would I want to? Why would I give a shit who bought which present and where and how much it cost? Watching TV/DVDs. I try putting the TV on, but it either irritates me to the point where I have to turn it off, or I drift off and realise I haven't actually got a clue what is going on. The internet. I spend hours and hours a day on the internet - I send emails, I read blogs, I read articles about various things, I read message boards, I look things up. Now I turn on the computer, check my email, and then wonder what I usually do after that. I look at some blogs, but they seem confusing and complicated. I try looking at some message boards, but decide I don't actually care about anything being discussed. It all seems pointless. I don't know what to do with myself. Everything I can think of to do is just beyond me. It either seems far too difficult and complicated, or completely pointless, or both.

I had an uneventful appointment with my GP earlier. We discussed the crap weather in Cornwall, as she was on holiday in Cornwall the same week as me. I noticed multiple mistakes in my notes that I pointed out. Her notes said I have been sectioned, which I haven't. There were a couple of incorrect diagnoses on there, including Narcissistic Personality Disorder (long story but a fuckwit of a psychologist, who actually seemed fairly narcissistic herself, diagnosed me with that once - that was my first PD diagnosis, and probably the reason I ended up with a BPD diagnosis, as everyone else realised that Narcissistic Personality Disorder was completely and utterly inaccurate and that I didn't meet a single disagnostic criteria, but seemed to feel the need to diagnose me with some type of Personality Disorder, and Borderline seemed most appropriate. That is my interpretation of events anyway. But that was all about 2 years ago, so shouldn't still be on my notes). Missing suicide attempt. I think that was more or less it. She changed all the wrong things, added the right things, wondered how the wrong things had ended up on there. Exciting stuff.

4 hours?!

I am tired, but for some reason I don't feel like sleeping. I don't know why because I love sleep. Sleep is fantastic, because you don't have to think, you don't know what is going on, and unless you are dreaming, it is just nothing. I like that. I hate waking up. When you wake up you know that you have the whole day ahead of you, whereas when you go to sleep you can have 10 hours of nothingness.

I didn't have to look after my nephew earlier, so that was a result. I do have to do it all other Thursdays for the forseeable future though, which is pretty shit. My next door neighbour collected him today, and then kept him - I am not sure where they went. She said something about going to the churchyard and reading grave stones. My next door neighbour is pretty random. They are moving away next Thursday, which is very sad. My next door neighbour is great. She is totally crazy, but not in any diagnosable, mental health type way. She is just totally eccentric. She is like a crazy old cat lady, except she is only in her early 30s and is married. But she does sometimes write us cards from her dogs or cats. She is just generally pretty random. But they are moving. I expect the new neighbours will be boring. They sound boring. And one of my cats will be sad, because he is actually their cat, and so will be moving with them, but he actually lives with us. So he won't be very happy.

Rehearsal was ok. I didn't actually have to do that much really. In fact, I didn't do much at all. Although there was one amusing moment that I was later told about - I was dancing, and the girl playing Julie (my mother in the show) said 'Awww, look at my baby, I'm so proud!', and one of the other cast members asked her if I was actually her daughter. I said she would have had to start bloody young, as she is only 5 years older than me! I think most of the cast think I am about 16. People generally do. Although even if I was 16, she would still be far too young to be my mother.

I was in quite a weird mood when I got home. One of my hyper moods that I never know how to describe. I don't feel good or happy or anything, I just have lots of energy, and tend to talk very fast and very loud, although I don't realise I am doing either until I get told off. I also talk about absolutely everything (mostly complete drivel) non stop, and generally either dance or bounce, depending on whether I am standing or sitting. So yes, I spent an hour or so irritating my mum, and then came upstairs when she went to bed. That was 4 hours ago though. I have absolutely no idea where the last 4 hours have gone. I haven't read or watched the television. I have talked a bit online, and looked at a couple of websites, but I am sure not 4 hours worth. Maybe 1 hours worth. Possibly 2 at a push. Not 4. Hmmm, that's a bit strange. I hadn't realised the time until I just looked. I am suprised it is so late. I thought it was about half 1, maybe 2, and it is half 3. Why does time either go incredibly slowly, so that 7 minutes feel like an hour, or just suddenly disappear and you don't know where it went? Strange stuff.

I think I need to sleep now. I am very tired. Which is explained by it being half 3 in the morning I suppose. I hope I sleep all morning tomorrow and wake up very late. Then the day will be shorter, and I do like short days.

Just another day

Another crappy day. To be fair, I have only been awake for half an hour so far, so don't really have the right to call it crappy yet, but I can tell it will be. My mood is definitely slipping. My concentration and motivation have fucked off somewhere, and seem to get further away each day. I am finding it harder and harder to fill my time. L is still off sick, so I won't be seeing her this week, so assuming she is back at the beginning of next week, it will be 3 weeks between seeing her; if she isn't back then obviously it will be longer. That is hard. It is hard not having any support, particularly when I feel like things are getting worse. I was thinking last night that I wish I still had a Support Worker. Although I didn't do anything earth shattering with N, at least it got me out the house for a couple of hours a week and it was time that I wasn't sitting here on my own.

I have to look after my nephew later, or at least I think I do. My next door neighbour is collecting him from school, because it isn't arranged for him to get the bus yet, and then she will presumably drop him off here. I am hoping she keeps him around there to be honest, but I have no idea if she is planning to or not. And then tonight I have rehearsal, which I am really not in the mood for. Fun fun fun. I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate.

One of those days

I am having one of those days. I don't know what to do with myself. I have only been awake an hour and a half and I wish it was time to go back to sleep already. I am fed up. I can't be bothered to do anything or concentrate on anything. I think not seeing L yesterday when I was expecting to hasn't helped, and not knowing when I will be seeing her next is frustrating. I definitely feel like my mood is deteriorating. And I don't know how to stop it. And there are too many bloody hours left in this day to fill, and I don't know how.