Cancelled

I was supposed to be seeing L this afternoon, but the receptionist just rung and cancelled. Said she had to see an emergency appointment or something. I did know she was on duty today, but she hadn't said she might have to cancel because of it, and I am feeling a bit shit about it all to be honest. It was 9:30 when the receptionist called, and I wasn't due to see her until 3, so unless it is the type of emergency that is going to literally take all day and therefore all her appointments are being cancelled, then I feel like I must have been seen as the least important person, and therefore she could see the emergency appointment instead of me. After finding last week's appointment quite difficult, now that today's appointment has been cancelled I am feeling quite crap about the whole thing. I can't cope with appointments being cancelled, I get too upset by it. They rearranged my appointment with her for next Tuesday, and that feels like a bloody long time away at the moment, especially since I have this whole birthday/funeral stuff to get through first. And I think that upsets me even more, because she knows I have that on Friday and am feeling really bad about it all, and she still isn't able to see me. Typical Borderline response, but I do feel rejected. Like I have said other times she has had to cancel, I know these things happen sometimes, and are unavoidable, but today it just feels like a rejection. For some reason I just don't feel as supported by her lately as I used to. I am considering discharging myself. That sounds a bit drastic in the circumstances, but it isn't just because she cancelled today, I was thinking about it after my appointment last week. I feel unable to do the things she wants me to do at the moment (primarily this goal setting stuff - I just can't think of anything at all, but apparently it needs to come from me), and so I feel like I am wasting her time. At the moment I want to die more than I want things to change, probably partly because it is a lot easier to imagine dying than it is to imagine things changing - it feels like far more of a possibility. And so again, it feels like I am wasting her time. And then when appointments are cancelled, like today, I just can't deal with it. It makes me feel worse than if I hadn't had an appointment booked in the first place. So I suppose I am wondering whether I want to carry on with it or not. Whether what I gain from seeing her outweighs the times when I feel useless for not being able to do what I am supposed to be doing, and when I feel rejected because appointments are cancelled etc. At the moment I don't know. This would have been unthinkable a few months ago, and I am not quite sure what has changed, but something has. I am not feeling very able to cope right now, I think I will try and go back to sleep.

Feeling crap

I am feeling really shit today. I don't know why really. I suppose just all the birthday/funeral stuff getting on top of me. The day started off badly because I seemed to have lots of nightmares, so I woke up quite wound up and upset, and with a headache. Then I just felt really shit all day. I kept thinking about whether it would realistically make much difference to other people whether I killed myself before Friday or after. I can't decide - on one hand I think that if I am going to kill myself it won't make any difference to other people when I do it. But on the other hand, my dad already has his dad's funeral this week - if I killed myself before that it might make it even more difficult for him. I'm not sure. Anyway, then tonight I completely freaked out about the funeral and got really upset. Not about the funeral itself, but afterwards. When my mum talked to my aunt the other day they had been talking about hiring a room in a pub or something for people to go to afterwards. When my dad spoke to my aunt tonight, the arrangements had been made, and they have got caterers taking food to my granddad's bungalow for afterwards. I know it is stupid, but that just totally freaked me out. I don't want to go to an empty house, where my granddad died, where nobody lives now. It feels weird and wrong and I don't like it. If he hadn't died there it would be slightly different, and if someone else still lived there, like when one person of a couple dies but the other is still alive, that would be slightly different. But I really do not want to go to an empty dead house. It freaks me out, and I don't care if it is stupid, I do not want to do it. As soon as my dad said about it I got really really upset and was crying a lot, and then he was laughing at me and saying I was being silly and what difference did it make etc etc, and I was getting more and more upset. My mum said she didn't think it was actually a very suitable place to have it because there isn't even a dining table to put the food on, and my dad joked that they could set all the food out on the bed, and I just got totally hysterical. I don't know what to do now. I know really it makes no difference that nobody lives there and that he died there, but I just don't want to go there. I am not even sure if I can cope with going to the funeral now if it involves going back there after.

Bit hyper

Hmph. I have way more energy than is appropriate for 1AM. Not sure what to do with myself. I have to be quiet because my parents are in bed but I don't feel like being quiet. My mum has only just gone to bed. She told me off for being too noisy when my dad was in bed though. I was doing high kicks in her bedroom and then doing backstroke on her bed. Very quietly, but too noisily apparently. I got her to do a wheelbarrow race with me earlier. Well not a race because there was only 2 of us. Just a wheelbarrow walk really. We didn't get far though. When I was the wheelbarrow we went slowly across the lounge but we did move, until I collapsed from laughing. She said we wouldn't win any races, so I said she could have a go, and she couldn't move at all, so that was even funnier. Therefore I won. My dad got back from Glastonbury very early this morning. Well, still last night to me because I hadn't been to sleep yet. He bought a mouth organ when he was there. Very random. I had a go on it earlier. Mouth organs are good because even if you have never played one before you sound like you know what you are doing. I walked the dog with my mum this evening. Not very far - she takes him for his long walk in the morning and a shorter one in the evening. One of the cats came with us for the first 10 minutes, which was quite random. He just trotted along over the fields with us. Strange cat. Watched Murray's Wimbledon match earlier. Am hoping he does well, particularly after the fiasco that was the football. That was so shit I don't even want to think about it. Let's focus on the tennis instead. I wish it wasn't the middle of the night. I want to shout or something. I am a bit hyper this evening. Don't know why. Have felt like complete shit all day. Still do. I didn't go to ballet earlier. I couldn't be bothered. Might self harm. I don't like the combination of feeling shit and hyper at the same time because I never know what to do with myself. I would like to overdose really. Feels like a good idea at the moment. Feels like a good idea most of the time actually, but it is particularly appealing right now. But I can't before the funeral really. It wouldn't be fair on my parents. Although on the other hand maybe it wouldn't make any difference to them when I did it. At least I wouldn't have to be here for my birthday then. That would be good. Ho hum. I might go and make some cupcakes. I wonder if that would be too noisy. Probably. And I would only eat them and then feel shit about myself and gain weight. I feel like screaming. But that would definitely be too noisy.

More birthday/funeral talk

I am feeling really crap. I think it is all this birthday/funeral stuff getting to me. My birthday is going to be a total wash out. Not that we ever make a massive deal about birthdays in my family - I haven't had a party for about 15 years, and I never go out clubbing or anything like that because I don't like it. Often I go out for a meal with family or friends, or we have sometimes had BBQs when it has been good weather, and a couple of times I have been to London to see shows, but we never do anything massive, which is fine. But this year the funeral is on my birthday, and we are going to have to leave the house before 8am to get there, as it is quite a long way away. Then obviously there is the funeral, and then wherever we go after the funeral, and then coming home after, so we will be out at the funeral all day. My mum suggested we pretend my birthday is the following day, and then remembered she has a work do that day for a member of staff who is leaving. My parents haven't bought me any presents yet either, so I am not holding my breath there either, since my mum is at work all week apart from Friday, when we are at the funeral. That is partly my own fault because I can't really think of anything I want. It is really difficult to think of anything when I don't seem to be able to do anything, plus of course I always intend to be dead sometime soon. I don't have the concentration or motivation for anything much, so I can't get enthusiastic about books or DVDs or CDs or anything like that. My mum often buys me clothes, but that is a total no go at the moment because I hate my body so much, and I am so determined to lose weight, that I absolutely refuse to buy clothes to fit me at this size, because that would be like accepting how big I am, and that is not going to happen. I have asked for an English Bull Terrier puppy, but that was refused, as was a puppy of any other type, a grey kitten and a house pig. So yes, I haven't exactly been helpful on the present ideas front. But then my mum is notoriously disorganised anyway, and didn't even seem to think about presents until this weekend (when she was busy all weekend anyway) and suddenly asked if my Amazon wishlist was up to date. I am not too bothered. There is nothing I particularly want anyway, and there have been other years where my mum has been too disorganised to get me any presents for my birthday and has given them to me late or something, so it isn't like it would be a first.

I sound really materialistic talking about presents, and I'm actually not. It isn't about presents. I just feel shit and I don't want my birthday to happen because I can't deal with it. But pretending it isn't happening and ignoring it is not going to help, because I will still know it is my birthday, and I will still feel shit about it. It is so linked with dying and suicide in my mind, because that is always the first thing I think of when I think of my birthday, because I don't want to let another year start. And I am really, really struggling a lot with the concept of being at a funeral on that day. It is going to make me think about death even more, and it just really feels so difficult. Every time I think about it I want to cry. It just feels too much. And I can't even explain to anyone how I feel about it all and how much it is upsetting me, partly because it would be selfish because my parents are obviously upset about my granddad dying, and partly because it would mean talking about the suicidal thoughts, and that would be too hard and just upset them. I know that since I don't like birthdays anyway it shouldn't matter in theory, but it will still be my birthday even if I pretend it isn't, and there will still be all those associations in my head. I am getting so tense and anxious when I think about it, my heart keeps going funny like a mini panic attack. I am scared of having a complete breakdown on Friday in front of everyone. I just can't do it, but I have to.

Then of course there is the funeral itself. Funerals are always difficult, for everyone. Obviously it is difficult seeing people upset. They also always make me think a lot about suicide and my own funeral, and those thoughts will be amplified due to my birthday. I will also be seeing lots of family I haven't seen for quite a while, and I am so completely repulsed by my body at the moment that I am dreading that. I have two cousins who will be there who are both really thin, and I will feel like a bloody whale next to them.

It seems like everything is wrong at the moment. I need something to go my way and be right, because I can't cope like this.

Anniversary

I first tried to kill myself 5 years ago today, 26th June 2005. It was a Sunday. It was pretty impulsive. The suicidal thoughts had been around a lot, but I hadn't planned when I was going to overdose or anything, although I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to keep myself safe over the weekend, and had said so to the psychologist I was seeing at the time. My dad was away at Glastonbury. It was Sunday afternoon, and my mum was out, and I just couldn't cope any more, and I took an overdose. Just paracetamol. I didn't know any better at the time. I had written a note, which I had left next to my bed, and I think it was about 10PM when my mum came up and found me. I had been sleeping, but I was fully conscious etc. When the ambulance crew came they were absolutely convinced I had taken something else too because my pupils were so dilated, but I hadn't. I just have big pupils. I was taken to hospital, and they did blood tests, and then put me on a drip. I assume it was too many hours after I had taken it for charcoal. I was on the drip for 2 or 3 days, and by that time my bloods were back to normal. On the thursday I was assessed by the psychiatrist on duty. I remember him not speaking very good English, and asking a lot of stupid questions, like 'If I let you go home are you going to kill yourself again?' which I remember finding quite amusing. I was given the choice of being admitted to the psychiatric ward or going home. I naturally chose to go home. My birthday was 2 days later.

When I look back at that, 5 years ago, it upsets me. 5 years later and I am no better. In fact, I am worse than I was back then. I was still living a normal life back then - I just felt very bad, and my bulimia was quite bad. But I was still going to college, although I remember having to leave some lessons because I was too much of a mess. Ok, I took an overdose, and I did feel like I wanted to die, but the thoughts were nothing compared to how much stronger they got in later years. I wish that it had worked, or that I had managed to kill myself at some other point since then. I have achieved absolutely nothing in the last 5 years. My life has mainly consisted of staying in my room. I have very rarely felt happy or contented. I have just been surviving. And I don't see the point of just surviving - I may as well not be here at all. If I had known 5 years ago that I was going to be in this position now, I could not have coped. I would have kept trying to kill myself until it had worked. But back then I still had hope some of the time. Now I don't. 7 years of Depression has eradicated that. I am convinced that at some point I will end up killing myself - trying not to is just delaying the inevitable. I just wish it had happened years ago, and I hadn't had to go through all of this.

Birthday and funeral

This time of year is always really difficult. Every year I struggle a lot. This time last year I was having a lot of strong suicidal thoughts and being sent off to A&E etc. A couple of other years I have been under the Crisis Team at this time of year. And the first time I tried to kill myself was this time of year. I think that the main thing that upsets me is my birthday. That is July 2nd, so soon. I find birthdays really difficult. I don't want to celebrate being born because I don't want to be alive. And every approaching birthday reminds me of everything I have failed to achieve that year, and how useless I am, and makes me really desperate to not let another year start, and so I just get really overwhelming thoughts that I need to kill myself before my birthday can happen, so another year can't start. Those thoughts are rampant at the moment, but I really don't think I am going to be able to act on them, and I am feeling horrible about it.

My dad went off to Glastonbury early this morning. This is hard, because it makes me continually think it would be even easier to overdose, because there is only one other person in the house. The first time I attempted suicide my dad was away at Glastonbury. But I would feel too guilty to do that again. I don't want to ruin it for him. Then my granddads funeral has been arranged for next Friday. I feel like it would be really unfair on my family to kill myself in the days leading up to my granddads funeral. But I really, really didn't want to be here by my birthday. Which leaves everything a bit of a mess really. The funeral is on my birthday. Nice bit of planning there. That is going to make everything even harder. As I said, my birthday always makes me think a lot about dying anyway. Being at a funeral on my birthday is going to make that even more intense. Especially a funeral that I feel is my fault. I am really feeling quite upset about it all. I feel like if I had killed myself a couple of weeks ago when I planned to then everything would be right now. I wouldn't be having a birthday, and my family wouldn't be going to my granddad's funeral on my birthday. I don't know what to do. I really feel like the birthday and funeral combination is just more than I can deal with.

Tough day

Today was a really hard day. I am not sure why really - I can't put my finger on what was wrong. My appointment was quite difficult. I had a bit of a panic attack not long into it. There seemed to be lots of noises coming in from outside, like there was a dog barking, and a child crying, and someone banging something or cutting something down or something, and all the noises seemed to be getting louder and louder and really overwhelming and I couldn't hear what L was saying because the noises were too much. And it was getting more and more overwhelming and distressing and my heart was getting faster and faster, and I could feel myself drifting away and I ended up in a ball on my chair crying and hyperventilating a bit, which made me dizzy. It didn't last long I don't think, maybe just a few minutes and then I managed to start to slow my breathing down, but I felt really tense for the rest of the appointment and hyper aware of all the noises, and I kept feeling that I was starting to dissociate and have to try and pull myself back. I don't often have panic attacks. I have problems with anxiety, but usually it comes on more slowly, and so I can either try and calm myself down before it develops into a panic attack, or I take some Diazepam which stops it from going any further, and it just stays at little heart palpitations and feeling tense, rather than shaking and hyperventilating etc. It just came on so quickly and suddenly, and there was nothing to even cause it, which is weird - I generally know my triggers for anxiety/panic attacks, and so avoid them whenever possible, which is one of the reasons I don't have more panic attacks. But I just felt so weird, and everything felt really threatening and scary, even though they were just perfectly ordinary sounds that weren't even coming from the room or building. I really don't know what that was all about. L did say that I am very sensitive, and do seem to feel things more intensely than other people might, and so if I was already feeling bad then quite ordinary things could affect me. I see what she meant by that. I do seem to feel things very deeply, and sometimes that is good, and other times it can be bad.

I suppose the actual appointment itself was alright. It just didn't feel quite right. I don't know why. She asked if I had managed to think of any goals, as talked about at the CPA Review, which was the last time I had seen her. I said that I hadn't been able to think of anything, and she said again how important it was that we had some objective goals to work towards, so that there was proof that seeing her was helping etc. But it is difficult. It isn't practical things that I see as the major problems that need changing. I don't see how sorting out my sleep pattern, for example, is going to change anything - I will still feel the same, just asleep at different times. That seems pointless, until there is something to change my sleep pattern for. I need to change how I think and feel, but that isn't an objective goal and therefore won't do for the NHS, or it has to be achieved through making goals that are objective. She asked if I really wanted to change anything. That is a hard one. I don't want to carry on like this. I can't carry on like this. But I can't imagine things ever changing, and I don't know how making goals about my sleep patterns or eating regularly, or whatever else they have in mind, will change anything. And at the moment I don't know if I can cope with going through the struggle of changing things like that when I don't think it will actually change anything meaningful for me. So I don't know. I don't know if I want to change things. And if I don't know that, then I don't know if there is any point in seeing L, and being under Mental Health services. I feel like I am wasting her time because I can't think of any goals, and I can't make myself want anything enough. I just want to not be here, and I can't see past that. I did sit there today wondering if there was any point in keeping going, or if I am just wasting her time.

Something did bother me about my appointment with L today, but I feel a bit weird saying it. Those of you who regularly read my blog will probably have noticed that I am pretty attached to L and think she is fantastic and can do no wrong, because when I get attached to someone they are then perfect in my eyes. But if I am completely honest I felt a little invalidated at one point today, which I never usually do with L - she is very understanding and supportive. It was towards the end of the appointment, and I said something about my belief that it is my fault that my Granddad died, and I felt like she was really quite dismissive of it. She said something about it not being a realistic philosophy at all, and that she thought that talking about it would be giving it more credence than it deserved, or something along those lines, and that I am intelligent enough to know that it isn't a viable theory. I know it might sound stupid to other people, but it feels real to me, and it is something that I have been thinking about a lot, and that has upset me a lot the last few days, and I did feel like it was just completely brushed over, which just left me feeling really quite invalidated. Saying this makes me feel quite guilty and disloyal or something - L has always been fantastically supportive of me, and never made me feel like this before. But I did today, and I think I needed to acknowledge that, if just to myself.

I really feel like things have slipped a lot over the last 3 or 4 weeks. I am still purging - not every day, but probably 4 or 5 times a week, which is quite a big increase from nothing. And then there has been the self harm; I haven't done that since last week, but I did do it several times, which again isn't great when I hadn't done it for 9 months. And then just the suicidal thoughts generally have been so strong, and I have been feeling so overwhelmed by everything - normal noises causing a panic attack today were an example of that. Everything feels so big and loud and dangerous and scary. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop things spiralling any further, if that is possible, and I don't know how to cope with the suicidal thoughts, or the feelings of guilt, or anything else that I am experiencing at the moment. It is just all too much.

Struggling

I can't stop the suicidal thoughts. I just can't. And I am really worried that they are going to end up hurting someone else. I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I can't get hold or someone, or a friend doesn't reply to a text, or someone doesn't contact me when I am expecting to them, I panic that something has happened to them because of me. At the moment I just seem to be living in constant fear of someone else being hurt because of me - I am really scared about it. And not being able to stop the suicidal thoughts is really worrying me, because if I am still thinking them then someone else could end up getting hurt. So I am thinking I need to act on them, as soon as is practically possible, to avoid anyone else getting hurt. I am not sure when that will be yet - I am trying to avoid planning the day until as late as possible, so that if I can't do it then, hopefully nobody else will die instead. I am sure that people will understand if they know why I have done it. I feel so guilty. I keep thinking of all the people I have heard of dying in the past when I have been suicidal, and wondering how many of them were my fault.

I had a rehearsal for The Tempest tonight. I didn't want to go, I wasn't in the mood and I didn't enjoy it. It was bloody freezing. It is rehearsed outside, because the production is open air, and even when the weather has been nice, like today, being outside for 2 and a half hours in the evening is bloody cold. My hands were like blocks of ice within about 15 minutes. Crappy circulation.

I have an appointment with L tomorrow afternoon. She was on leave last week, so I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. It is at a slightly awkward time - I usually see her Tuesday morning, which is fine because my mum is off work then so can drop me off, but it is at half 3 tomorrow, so I am going to have to walk to the next village and then get the bus. I don’t like getting the bus. It makes me anxious. I didn't care when the appointment was made for, because 2 weeks ago when it was made I had no intention of still being alive, but since I am still here it is a little bit inconvenient. I have a feeling it is going to be one of those frustrating appointments where I don't really know what to say because I am feeling so shitty, and then end up leaving really frustrated with myself. I hope it isn't, but I just think it will be. I don't know how to describe or explain how I am feeling at the moment. Just overwhelmed and confused and guilty and hating myself. Everything just feels too much. It was bad enough when I thought the suicidal thoughts were just affecting me, but now that I know it is killing other people I just don't know how to deal with it.

Thank you

Thank you all so much for your lovely replies to my last post. I really appreciate all of your thoughts and good wishes etc. It means a lot that so many people cared enough to reply. But I don't know how to make all of you understand how is is my fault he died. I am not thinking magically. It is too coincidental that at two of the times in my life I have had some of the strongest suicidal thoughts, people have died. A grandparent in each case. In fact, I can think of another time, although not a family member. I hadn't thought about that. A girl I went to school with, her father committed suicide a few years ago now. I wasn't told until a bit later, as I was considered too ill to be told at the time, but it happened when I was in hospital because I had started trying to kill myself, but been caught and admitted to the psych ward. I didn't die, so someone else did instead. I must have killed so many people over the last few years. There are probably hundreds of people who died because of my suicidal thoughts. I wondered if the baby who was left in the car in America died because of me. Every time I intend to kill myself, someone else dies instead, and the stronger the intention is, the closer to me the person is that dies. What if next time it is one of my friends, or siblings, or one of my parents, or one of my nephews or niece?

 I am very dangerous. I think that when I have strong suicidal thoughts, to the point of planning, or when I overdose, the universe is expecting me to die, and then when I don't, it has to take someone else instead. I think the universe likes balance. So I had full intentions of killing myself last weekend, and I didn't, so a man who lives in my village did instead. Then I had rearranged my plans for tuesday, didn't act on them, and so a man my dad knows died. And then I had rearranged my plans for friday. And my granddad died. I think the universe was getting pissed off with me by that point, and that was why they took someone closer to me. And when my nanny died, that was because I had tried to kill myself, so they were really expecting me, and then I didn't die, so they took her. I don't know what to do. I am scared of who they will take next. I can't help having suicidal thoughts. I can't stop them. But my suicidal thoughts are killing other, innocent people. I don't know what to do. I think I need to try and let as few thoughts as possible get to the planning stage, because it seems to be when it hits the planning stage that people die, so it mustn't get that far until I know I can go through with it and get it right. A failed attempt is far, far too dangerous - they took my Nanny last failed attempt, what if they look one of my little nephews? I could never, ever forgive myself. I need to die, and I need to get it right first time, and in the meantime I need to not let my suicidal thoughts turn into plans or more people will die. I need to get through this period until after the funeral without having any planning thoughts (killing myself before the funeral would be too heartless of me, as people won't understand I am doing it to save other people) and then die. Then everyone will be safe. I hope the funeral is soon, but I doubt it will be, because there will have to be an autopsy, and I suspect my Aunt who is currently living in the States will want to come over for the funeral. My birthday is on 2nd July, and I was really hoping not to be here by then, but I doubt that is going to happen now. But spending the next couple of weeks without suicidal thoughts is going to be incredibly difficult, as the weeks around my birthday are always the worst period of the year for me. I really hope I can not plan, because I really don't want anyone else to die because of me, but it is going to be so hard.

I wish I had spend more time with my Granddad when he was last here. I talked with him for a while when he first arrived, but after that I spent most of my time in my room and didn't see him much at all. I was struggling, and it was hard to socialise. But now I regret that. I'm sorry Granddad. I love you. I am sorry that you died because of me.

RIP

My granddad has died. Last night. His carers found him when they went in this morning. He had fallen over and hit his head when he was getting ready for bed - they don't know if he had a heart attack or a stroke or something, or just fell over yet. He was probably laying there dying when I was writing about being jealous of peoeple dying. I feel like it is my fault. I was supposed to die this week and I didn't, so someone from my family did instead. The same thing happened 18 months or so ago. I had been feeling suicidal, and tried to kill myself but just ended up on a drip for a few days, and then a few days later my nanny died. I was meant to die, and because I didn't someone else had to instead. I am evil. Not killing myself is making other people die instead. I know of 3 people who have died in the last week, ie in the time that I have been feeling very suicidal and yet not acted on it. Maybe all those people would still be alive if I had killed myself. I don't know what to do now. I need to kill myself before someone else dies, but I feel like I can't put my parents through that so close to my granddad dying. I have fucked everything up. I should have killed myself last weekend. I am such an awful person. I really don't know what to do. I have caused so much damage.

Freak out

I had a bit of a melt down earlier. About food, but it was about everything really. It was just food that set it off. I was going to have a chicken breast portion for dinner with some salad, but they were all frozen so I couldn't (we don't have a microwave, so when I want chicken it has to be taken out of the freezer earlier in the day to thaw - very inconvenient). So then I was going to have pizza. I kind of have issues with pizza. I always feel guilty about eating it, because it is entrenched in my head as a high calorie, shouldn't eat food. But in reality it isn't actually as high calorie as I think of it (I usually share one with my mum, and half a pizza generally has somewhere between 300 and 400kcals depending on the pizza, which is alright for dinner) and it feels safe in some ways because the packet says how many calories it is, so at least I know. But my mum was having something else tonight so I couldn't share one with her, but we did have a smaller one in the freezer, that is the size I would eat by myself sometimes. So I was going to have that. I had considered a bean burger in a roll, but even though that doesn't sound as much, just the bean burger is 300kcals, and then there is the roll, and I don't know how many calories exactly are in the roll, and I couldn't be doing with not knowing today. So I was having pizza. But then I suddenly completely freaked out about the number of calories in it and decided I hated pizza and couldn't possibly eat it, and burst into tears (just after my mum had put it in the oven). I could have coped with it if I hadn't eaten anything earlier in the day, but I had already had about 400kcals of food today, and the thought of a pizza on top of that just totally freaked me out. So I stood there sobbing and saying I couldn't have it, and my mum got a bit angry. She gets very angry about my eating. She gets angry when she gets home from work and I haven't eaten all day, but at least if I haven't eaten all day then I can cope with having a meal in the evening without freaking out. But because I had already eaten today I just couldn't do it. So she was angry, and shouting at me about my 'atrocious diet' and how unsustainable it is, and what hard work I am, and how I need to see a Dietician, and all of the other things that she always tells me. But I was getting more and more hysterical so she stopped shouting and asked what the matter was, but I couldn't say. I don't know what the matter is. I just know I feel completely and utterly shit, and tiny insignificant things feel like enormous, insurmountable problems and I just can't cope.

In the end I had some lettuce and cucumber, and a little bit of grated cheese, and a slice of bread for dinner. I don't know how many calories the cheese was because I didn't weigh it, so I wasn't entirely comfortable with it, but it felt better than the scary pizza. I will save that for another day when I am feeling less fragile. The stupid thing is that in the evenings, after I have eaten, I eat loads of snacky things. Mostly sweet things - today I had some ice cream, 2 gingernut biscuits, 4 squares of chocolate, 3 toffees, and 3 sweets. I can't say I don't think about the calories in those things, because I absolutely do, and if I have the house to myself then I always purge after anything like that, but I can have a complete melt down over the calories in a pizza, which was maybe 200 or 300 more caloires than I had for dinner, and then eat more calories than that in crap in the evenings. And then I get upset because I gain weight. As I have said before, I am very bad at losing weight. The only way I can do it is by restricting quite severely - once I start eating I can't stop, so I just have to not start. But I can't do that at the moment because I am comfort eating. And then I feel even worse when I weigh myself. It is bloody ridiculous. I feel so messed up at the moment.

I have been thinking about what I wrote yesterday. Being alive doesn't feel like a good thing at all. Even if it is for other people. I hate myself for being alive and for not having killed myself before this. I keep hearing about people dying in accidents and being jealous. Lots of people seem to be dying at the moment, and it seems unfair that I am not one of them. I think it is evil of me to think like that. So many people want to live and they are dying, and I am jealous of them. That is horrible of me. I would say that I don't deserve to live because I am such a horrible person, but death would be such a relief that perhaps it is more that I don't deserve to die.
I have suicidal thoughts so much of the time. To me there is a difference in intensity of the thoughts, and the chances of me acting on them, but it is very difficult to express that and distinguish between them, because so often when I am experiencing them it feels like that is as bad as things could possibly get, and there is no way I could not try to kill myself, and yet most times I don't try to. Either through lack of opportunity (or what I consider a suitable day would be), or because of not wanting to hurt people - it is always one of those things that stops me when I don't act on them. I still don't know if I will act on them this time or not. I still want to enormously. There is no part of me that wants to be alive for myself. It just depends how long I am able to hold onto the thought of upsetting other people, and whether the thoughts have subsided at all by the time I next reach an impulsive patch, or decide I hate everyone. I want to die. And I do completely believe that it is inevitable that I will kill myself at some point - I have no doubt about that whatsoever. So why not now?

More suicidal thoughts

Sorry I haven't been posting. My brain doesn't seem to be working well enough to write. Or at least I could keep writing about how shit I feel, and how strong the suicidal thoughts are, but that seems fairly pointless. I have been carrying on by continually forcing myself to imagine how upset my family and friends would be. I don't know how long it will work for, but it is all I have got right now. I wish I didn't have to worry about other people. It would make things so much simpler if there wasn't anyone who would miss me. I do genuinely believe that everyone would be better off without me, but I know they wouldn't see it like that. I hate knowing that I am living for other people. It just makes me resent everyone - particularly my mum, because she is the main person I think about, as I think she would be the most upset. So we have been arguing a lot. Which then makes me feel worse, and reinforces the thoughts that I am a horrible person, and that people would be better off without me. I think my mum and I could probably do with some time apart, even if it was just a few days, but I don't have anywhere to go. Things are just so strained between us at the moment - partly because of me feeling so bad, which always makes me irritable and snappy, and partly because I am feeling so much resentment towards her for making me feel like I have to stay alive. People always say how selfish suicide is because of the impact it has on the people left behind, but people never seem to consider the impact that staying alive has on the person who is wanting to die. Either way somebody is going to be upset and in pain, but I don't see why it is any more selfish to kill yourself, than it is for others to pressure you to stay alive when you really, really don't want to. I find myself wishing that I would be killed in an accident or by an illness or something, so that I could die but without the stigma of suicide attached, and without feeling guilty. I also get upset sometimes because I have intrusive thoughts about the people closest to me dying, because if they were dead then I could kill myself, but I hate myself for thinking that so much. I am evil. I don't deserve to have people caring about me. I hate myself. I think my family would hate me too if I wasn't related to them. I am not a nice person to be around. I don't know why they can't see how much better it would be for them if I wasn't here.

Still here...

I haven't written for a couple of days because I just haven't known what to say. I feel really awful. I am having very strong suicidal thoughts that I have come very close to acting on, but I haven't. That doesn't feel like a good thing though. I wish I had. I do not want to be here. I don't want to be alive. And nobody and nothing can change that. I am trying to keep going because I don't want to hurt people. And I know I will. Even if it didn't work I would hurt people. But I have absolutely no desire to be alive for myself, and so I feel like I can't keep going on for other people. I can't think of a single thing that I would want to live for. I don't care about anything. I am wishing more and more that I had never got involved in these productions. They are just an added stress I don't need. I resent them. I resent the other people involved in them. I think I resent everything in my life that feels even vaguely like a committment, because I don't want to be committed to anything, because I don't want to be here. I can't cope. Technically I am coping I suppose - I am still alive. But I don't want to be. I am desperate, more than I could ever express. And all I can think about is killing myself - when I am awake I am constantly planning, when I am asleep I am dreaming about it. There is no escape. I feel sick I feel so awful. And I feel so alone. Completely, completely alone.

Hopeless

I feel really terrible. I am not sure if I can put it into words. I hate that I have known things were getting worse and not being able to stop it. It makes me feel so helpless. Earlier on in the week Wednesday I wrote in a message to Kris about feeling like I was in a limbo between wanting help and wishing something would happen - just absolutely anything to take the pressure off a bit, and just wanting to keep quiet and for everyone to stay away and leave me alone so I could kill myself, but even that has gone now. I just don't feel like I have anything left in me at the moment. I just have no hope at all. It has completely gone. I think there has always been at least a tiny bit before, and it just seems to have gone these last couple of days. I think the CPA review thursday was just like the final straw. It wasn't that it went badly or anything - it was much as I was expecting. It just seemed to take my last bit of energy and motivation getting there and getting through it, and I just don't have anything left now.

I just really can't seem to care about anything at all, every time I have to leave the house it just feels like such an effort, and I just can't wait to get back home, and even when I am out I keep thinking about suicide etc. Yesterday when I was out I tried really hard to just enjoy myself and have fun like everyone else seemed to be, but I just couldn't. I just kept drinking because it was the only thing I could do to not run out of there in tears - it relaxed me enough (along with the Diazepam) that I could hold on until the guy who was driving me home was ready to leave, but I still felt like shit. I really wish I hadn't got involved in either of the shows I am doing - I don't want to go to the rehearsals at all. I didn't go to the rehearsals for The Tempest or Carousel this week. I just really couldn't be bothered. I might send emails to the respective Directors asking them to recast the parts. At the moment I am feeling so suicidal that it feels unlikely I will even be alive, but even if I am I just can't be bothered with them. I just can't cope.

Long day!

It has been the longest day ever. Well, maybe not ever, but it has felt very long. I had an appointment with my GP at 9:20 this morning. That is far too early. I should not be out of bed at that time of day, let alone dressed. Anyway, that was ok. It is quite funny really, because she tries to be helpful, for example she asked if I had ever had CBT. I said yes, and that I think it is patronising wank to be honest. We discussed this for a little while. She then asked if there are any types of therapy apart from CBT. Now I know she is a GP and doesn't work in mental health, but really - do people honestly think that CBT is the only therapy that exists? Really?? That is slightly concerning really.

Then I had an appointment with the voice clinic people at the hospital, following on from my ENT appointment of a couple of weeks back. Today it was with an ENT Surgeon, and 2 Speech Therapists. They put these little pad things on my neck that were apparently microphones, and then pulled out my tongue and stuck this camera thing into my mouth and to the back of my throat. The Dr told me to concentrate on breathing deeply in and out through my mouth to try and stop me gagging, and then basically videoed my vocal cords whilst I had to make various noises. I started gagging after not too long, so he took it out, and then did it again, and I lasted longer before gagging that time. Gagging appears to be a normal reaction to that. It was called a Laryngoscopy It didn't hurt - I preferred it to the camera down the nose thing. It just made me gag. But then when it had finished I got to watch a video of my vocal cords when I speak/sing which was quite cool really. Apparently it all looks healthy, and the speech therapist was confident that she would be able to sort it all out with speech therapy etc, so I am back on the waiting list for that.

Spent the afternoon in a pretty shitty mood. I was tired, as I hadn't had nearly enough sleep, and I was grumpy and snappy. Ended up purging a couple of times. I had the drama festival tonight - the play that I was in a few weeks ago was entered. It was a 1 Act Play Festival, held over a few nights, and tonight was the last night. I really didn't want to go. I was absolutely not in the mood, I couldn't be bothered with it, I hadn't touched my script since I last performed it, and I was desperately trying to think of excuses to get me out of it, but there basically weren't any, as if I hadn't gone they would have had to pull the play.

It actually went ok. I think it was probably the best we have performed it, or it seemed it to me anyway. We (the cast) did know that although we weren't keen on the play, it might go down quite well at a drama festival, as adjudicators tend to like things that are a bit political and weird, and this certainly was. The other play that was on tonight was a bit crap I thought. They had a great set but the acting was just pretty weak, and I didn't like the actual play. The adjudicator was very complimentary about our play - he gave a few things he thought could have worked better etc, but a couple of those I had actually said about in rehearsals, so I agreed with what he said. The criticisms were pretty much all staging related, apart from him saying he would have liked the pace to be slightly faster generally, so that when we wanted to pull bits back there was more contrast, which was apparently a comment he gave about several plays. He was very complimentary about the play itself, which was nice for the guy who had written it (it was written by a local writer, and his wife directed it), and also about the acting. The guy who was playing the lead was told his diction wasn't always clear enough, and that he needed to find more variety in the part, which was fair enough (he wasn't actually who the part was intended for, but due to lots of clashes, none of the original choice men were available, and so this guy ended up playing it, and he is pretty inexperienced - he did well given how little he has done in the past, but I think it could have been much stronger with one of the guys who was originally up for the role), but the adjudicator didn't have anything negative to say about any of the rest of us (there were 5 in the cast in total), and said we were a very talented cast, so that was nice. Awards wise, a group who had performed earlier in the week pretty much swept the board - I didn't see them, but apparently they were brilliant, but we had a lot of nominations (there are 3 nominations for each award). Our Director was nominated for Best Director, and one of the women was up for Best Actress (although she had also been in another of the plays, and the nomination was actually for both parts rather than just this play), and I was nominated for Best Cameo. Then one of the guys won Best Actor, and overall we came 2nd, and the adjudicator has put forward the play itself (ie the script rather than the production) for a national competition for Best New Play. So overall it was pretty good really.

Afterwards several of the cast members were going on to a pub, and one of the guys offered to give me a lift home after if I wanted to go with them. I had already had a couple of drinks, and was slightly hyper, so I thought I would go, but then when I got there I got very stressed because it was too loud and I was anxious. I tried to ring my mum to ask her to pick me up, but I couldn't get through to her, so I had a Diazepam, and another drink, and after that I started to relax a bit. I had a couple more drinks too, and we all shared some packets of crisps, and I had some Maltesers, although I did then go to the toilets and purge, making it 3 times today, which isn't so good. But 5 Archers and a Diazepam seemed to do a pretty good job of relaxing me, and it was actually ok. I never go out, so it was quite good that I managed it, even if I did need alcohol and Diazepam to do so. My mind did wander a lot during the evening - I was having lots of suicidal planning type thoughts, and there must have been some dissociating going on, because there are definitely chunks of the evening I just can't remember, and it isn't down to the alcohol, because I don't feel drunk or anything. I can still type perfectly well, therefore I am not drunk.

I got home about quarter past 1, and I am very tired now so I am hoping I will be able to sleep well. It has been a very long day.

CPA Review

I don't really know what to write. My head feels in a bit of a spin really, but I don't know why.

I had my CPA review this afternoon. L came out and said that Dr E was running a bit late so she would have a chat with me first. She asked how I had been the last couple of days, and I told her that I was struggling, and had been purging daily, and that I had self harmed again last night etc. We talked briefly about the self harm, and what was behind it etc, and why did I think I was doing it at the moment, when it is so rare for me to do etc. She asked if I had thought of anything in particular I wanted to talk about in the review, and it was about then that Dr E came in. Things went pretty much as expected really. L gave a little summary of how she saw things over the last 6 months, and Dr E asked how I had seen things etc. L brought up medication, and said how I felt that I have been lower overall since I have been off it. Then there was lots of talk about needing to set goals, so that there was something objective to look at in terms of improvement etc. I switched off slightly - it was all a bit much for me to try and think about. I think this went on for a while - them talking about trying to set little goals, and get me into a better routine etc, and me saying the odd word but nothing too much, as it is hard to think about. Dr E didn't seem to want to prescribe any medication - she didn't mention it again after L and I had talked about it. Basically the outcome was that the next 6 months would be spent trying to set (and achieve) some goals, like sorting out my sleeping and that sort of thing. I am not going to be seeing Dr E regularly any more, since I am only on Diazepam at the moment - if I need to see her for something then L will get me an appointment with her, but I won't have any regular appointments with her. And that was about it. Pretty much as I thought really.

After that Dr E left, and I talked to L for a while. She asked how I was feeling. I said that I didn't know why, but I felt like bursting into tears. I told her that I had found it really difficult talking about goals etc, as I was feeling so suicidal that I just didn't see myself being here, and that was all I could think about. That the whole time they were talking all I could think was that there was no point trying to set goals because I wouldn't be here. And that that is all has been going round and round in my head the last few days. It has been so frustrating the last few weeks, knowing that things have been going downhill, and yet not knowing how to stop it. I said that when I saw her on tuesday and she said she was on leave next week, that the first thing I thought was that in that case I wouldn't be seeing her again, and that I hoped she wouldn't think I had killed myself because she wasn't there. I was finding it really hard to talk, because I was on the verge of tears. When I left I went into the toilets and cried for a while - I just felt so awful, and completely hopeless.

Since then I have been feeling pretty numb and flat, just drained really. I just don't want to be here, and the thoughts are so strong that I don't know how to get rid of them or stop myself acting on them. But I know I have said things like that before. And I know that really there's not much anyone can do about it. It just feels very isolating and overwhelming and suicide really does feel like the only option - I can't see a future and I don't want a future. I couldn't honestly say what will happen over the next few days or week. I might be fine, or I might not - I really don't know at the moment. I know how I feel at the moment, but what I think will happen doesn't always.

Appointment talk

I saw L earlier. It was ok. Not the best appointment I have ever had, but it was fine. I think I was probably quite hard work - she had to do a lot of the talking. She said I seemed very low, which I suppose I am. She asked me a few of the sort of questions I will be asked at the CPA review on Thursday, which I found hard - about whether going there helped or not, and how etc, and was talking about how we probably need to set some goals etc, because they are forced into being very goal orientated, and have to evidence everything and all that sort of NHS bullshit stuff. I know she dislikes all that as much as I do, but that's the way they have to work. I just find it totally impossible to think about the future and goals and that sort of thing when I am feeling very suicidal, because I don't intend there to be a future, and so then I just find it really difficult to even talk about it and everything feels very pointless because I just can't imagine it, so I just kind of sit there, and my head is whirling around and yet nothing quite makes sense.

This week is kind of bad timing for a CPA review given how I am feeling, as I am just not in the right frame of mind to think about setting goals, and I always find them stressful in case they turn around and say I am not getting better so they will discharge me or something. I know that isn't going to happen, but Dr E will ask all the questions about how is seeing L helping, and have things improved since I started seeing her etc, and I just don't know how to answer. Yes, it helps to see her, but I can't really say why - I just know I feel worse when I don't see her. But I am no better than I was when I started seeing her, which would imply that it isn't making any difference, so then I am scared that she will turn around and say it isn't helping and therefore there is no point me seeing her. But I can't lie and say I am doing better, because I'm not.

I will see L on Thursday at my review, and then she said she would see me for a little while afterwards, and then next week she is on leave. Which again, isn't great timing, but it is just one of those things. I always find it harder when she is away, because not only do I not get to see her, but I can't call and talk to her if I am struggling either. And given the suicidal thoughts I am having, that I can't act on this week, the weekend and next weekend was looking to be bad anyway, and not having her there will make it even harder. Part of me wasn't too bothered, because I thought if I was going to kill myself then it wouldn't make any difference to me whether she was there next week or not, although I was tempted to say that if I tried to kill myself next week it wasn't because she was on leave, it would have happened anyway. But I didn't say that because it sounds pretty stupid. But then the other part of me that is trying to get through this is quite worried about her being away when I am struggling so much anyway, and isn't really sure how to deal with it. I don't know. I am confused.

I am still struggling with everything. I have purged a couple of times today, and I am still obsessing over my weight, which frustratingly isn't going down. I am weighing myself quite a few times a day. Always when I wake up, and then often in the afternoon or evening, and then again in the middle of the night. And then each time I weigh myself I am doing it two or three times to check it is right. So I am probably getting on the scales 6 - 9 times a day. Which sounds a bit stupid really, but I understand my reasoning behind it. But I do need my weight to start going down again really soon, because it is frustrating me, and when my weight is going down I feel more able to cope with things generally. I feel in control of something, and something positive is happening, whereas if it stays the same or goes up then I just feel even more useless amd out of control.

Stop the World - I Want to Get Off

Not a good day. Again. Well I suppose to be fair the actual day wasn't bad. Nothing bad happened. It was fine. I went to the Shakespeare rehearsal. Well, it was more of a read through really. Then I had to go to my sister's house for 3 hours, because my parents were both out all day, so I couldn't get home until my mum picked me up at 7. I was quite tired by the time I got home because I had been out 6 hours, and even though that doesn't sound like long, it feels like a long time to me. I do find it difficult being out of the house. A friend asked me earlier if being busy and having lots on made me feel better, but it really doesn't - the more I have on the more stressed and overwhelmed I get by it all, and the more I just want to curl up in my bed and block out the world. It apparently isn't meant to work like that - distraction is meant to be good, but it doesn't work for me. I don't get distracted. I just feel shit whilst I am doing whatever it is I am doing.

Next paragraph may trigger.

Tonight hasn't been good. I got ready for bed, cleaned my teeth etc, then got the munchies. I tried to get rid of them with sugar free sweets, because I allow myself them after I have cleaned my teeth, but then I decided I needed crisps (chips to any Americans) and a chocolate truffle. So I ate them, felt like shit, and went downstairs and purged. Purging when both parents are in the house is unheard of for me, but since both parents were asleep and I knew I could do it without making any noise I did it anyway. And then I came back up to bed and self harmed. Deeper than the other night, or there was more blood anyway. But still not deep. I seem to be getting into the purging every day thing again, and then there is the self harm thing. I still believe the self harm itself isn't a problem, but the fact that I feel like I need to do it is a problem. Same applies to the purging really, although I suppose that could be seen as more of a problem in that it isn't too good for you. I am also taking the laxatives every day, but just the amount you are supposed to so that isn't a problem, but I guess it isn't ideal I have started using them when I never have before. Things feel bad. I suppose things are bad. I am going to overdose. Not this week. I need to stick to my committment of the play on Friday - I don't want to let people down. But I am planning to do it after that. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be alive. I do really genuinely feel like this is the right decision. There is no way it could be described as a spur of the moment decision, as I have thought about suicide every day for years. And I am not in an unable to move, constant crying, unable to talk Depression. Therefore it is a perfectly rational decision which I am entitled to make. I know people won't agree with this, but I really do believe it. I have had enough.

Busy busy

I feel like such a fuck up. I am really annoyed with myself about the summer course in America. I should have done it. I still don't know if i would have been able to cope with it or not, but I am really angry with myself for not trying. I should have gone. I am stupid. I have been looking into summer courses over here, but with everything else going on it will be really hard to fit it in, and none of the courses over here look nearly as good and I am just bloody pissed off with myself. Plus doing a 2 week course over here including accommodation would cost me as much as the 3 week course in America including accommodation, because I got given financial aid for it. I am a twat, I should have just gone.

I feel like I have taken on too much with these plays. Everything is clashing, and I feel like I have too much on. Tomorrow I have a readthrough for the Shakespeare. Monday I have ballet. Tuesday I have a singing rehearsal for the musical, and should also be at a Shakespeare rehearsal, but I obviously can't be in too places at once. Wednesday I have ballet. Friday I have the drama festival performance. So Thursday is my only free evening for the next week. Then I also have an appointment with L one day, although I don't know which yet as she has lost her diary, I have my CPA review with L and Dr E on Thursday. Friday I am supposed to be seeing Dr O at 9:20, but I have had an appointment through for the Voice Clinic (which the ENT Dr said he was going to refer me to) at 10:30, and that is a 35 minute drive from the GP surgery, so if the GP is running on time it would be ok, but if she is late then it would all go hideously wrong. The obvious thing would be to rearrange the GP appointment but they are so bloody busy at the moment - I had to make this appointment 4 weeks in advance, so I am not sure what to do really. But I don't want to change the Voice Clinic appointment, because I was really pleased it came through so soon, and they only hold it alternate fridays, so it would mean having to wait at least another 2 weeks. There is just too much on. I feel quite overwhelmed by it all.

I really don't want to go to my CPA review. Even though Dr E is nice, I still find seeing her a bit intimidating. I suppose it is just because she is a Psychiatrist. And I always feel really put on the spot when she asks me things. She will ask me all the questions about is seeing L helpful, and if I say yes then she will ask me how it is helping me, and what it is that is helpful and all that sort of thing, and I just freeze and don't know what to say. And I will sit there feeling really awkward. I don't like it. I don't want to go.

Purged again today. This is starting to become a pattern, which isn't great. The suicidal thoughts are certainly going strong too. Not really sure what I can do about it. I don't know how to stop them getting stronger and stop myself from getting worse.

To be or not to be?

I purged again today. And I am really wanting to self harm again. Actually I am really, really wanting to overdose. I don't think I will, but the urges are really strong. The reason I don't think I will is because I would be letting people down, as the play that I was in a few weeks ago is entered in a drama festival next week, and if I kill myself, or even try to, then that would  be really unfair on the rest of the cast. But I don't know if that is enough to stop me really. I just don't want to be here. But I will try. I suppose if I have lasted this long I can carry on another week. Right? I don't know what to do.

Not great

I haven't had a great day again. I purged earlier. Not a massive deal, but it is something I haven't done for a month or 2. It wasn't that I ate and then felt guilty - I just decided I would have a Creme Egg and then purge it, so I did. Apart from that my eating hasn't been too bad today - about 500kcals, not including the purged Creme Egg. Which will be some calories, but I don't know how many.

I seem to have a need to do destructive things at the moment, or things that aren't good for me. I don't really know why. My head is just full of hurting myself, and thoughts of overdosing, and I just seem to need to do something damaging.

I suppose I do feel like I am quite at risk at the moment, in terms of overdosing etc - all the warning signs are there. But knowing the warning signs isn't really much help, when I don't know what I can do to stop things from getting worse. I always know when I am getting worse. I always know when I am going into crisis mode. But I don't ever know how to stop it, and I don't ever know how to get out of it once I am there.

I saw L yesterday, but I am not able to see her again this week - I was supposed to see her again on friday but she had to cancel. That is the last 3 weeks I have only been able to see her once, rather than the twice that I was supposed to be seeing her at the moment. These things happen I guess. It just isn't great timing really. Well obviously not, since the reason I am supposed to be seeing her twice is because I haven't been doing well lately.

I have my CPA review next week. I think I will ask Dr E about going back on anti depressants. I think overall things have been worse since I have stopped them. I don't know if the lows have been lower, because I find it difficult to compare them, as that episode always feels like the worst ever when I am in it, until another one comes along. But I do feel like overall things have been worse. My sleep is bad, my concentration is bad, my memory is bad, my eating is bad, I am irritable, I can't make myself care about anything, I am having constant suicidal thoughts. I am not claiming that anti depressants got rid of all of these things, or indeed any of them, but I just feel like overall things have been worse and the feelings and thoughts more persistent, and my brain has felt more scrambled, since I came off anti depressants.

Confused

I feel confused. I don't really know what is going on. I don't know if I am doing better or worse. Because I am now capable of reading children's books and forming complete sentences, as opposed to the staring at the walls and grunting of a few weeks ago, I assumed that must mean I am doing better. But I don't know if I am. The self harming feels like a bit of a set back. Not because it was bad self harm or anything, but because for the last few days I have wanted to do it so much, and most of the time I don't think about it much, and it is certainly rare that I actually do it, even if I am thinking about it. I have no problem with self harm itself - I don't do it badly enough for it to be damaging, and I have always thought that if stops me doing something more dangerous then that is fine. And I still think that. But I am just a bit concerned that I am feeling bad enough to feel like I need to do that. And last night it did feel like I was self harming to stop myself overdosing. I knew I couldn't overdose, and that that wasn't an option, but I needed to hurt myself. I do feel like I am getting increasingly closer to a suicide attempt. Even though my mood isn't as low as it was a few weeks ago (or I can at least manage some basic things now), I kind of feel more at risk now than I did then. I think I was too exhausted then to do anything. Now I feel like I am teetering on the brink rather, and I am not sure what to do about it. I know the warning signs from previous times, and it seems like they are all there. It might be for the best though. If I have felt like this for so many years, then maybe it really does mean it is the right decision. I can see that it will never be a socially acceptable one, but that doesn't mean it is wrong. Does it?

I bought laxatives today. I don't know why. I never take laxatives. Like I have had them maybe twice in my life, and for completely genuine reasons both times. I know they won't make me lose weight. And yet I feel like I need them. I am getting increasingly obsessed with my weight again. Well, my weight is an ongoing obsession, but sometimes it takes over more than others. The reasoning behind buying the laxatives is that if I go to the toilet more often then I will weigh less. And if I weigh less I will feel better. I am not intending to take lots at a time or anything. Just enough to get me going to the toilet regularly, say every morning before I weigh myself, rather than every few days. But I know what I am like. I know how easily I get hooked on things. Buying them wasn't sensible. But right now I don't care. I just want to lose weight, and even though I know they won't make me lose fat or anything, they might help the number on the scales go down, and that is what I care about. I am a bit obsessed with weighing myself at the moment. I weigh every day when I get up. I do it 3 times in a row, as sometimes it varies by 0.2 of a lb, and so I do it 3 times, and then whichever weight comes up most often is the one that gets written down for that day. But then if I have got up early that day, I then have to weigh again later, at the time I would usually weigh. Since I usually wake up around 1pm or a bit later, my usual weighing time is usually around 2. So if like today, I had to be up early (as I was seeing L), I had to make sure I didn't eat anything until I got home, which wasn't until half 3, so that I could weigh myself then. I also sometimes weigh in the night. Not every night, but if I have to go downstairs for any reason in the night then I weigh myself - it is like a pre-warning of what will come when I weigh the next day. Sadly my weight isn't really going down. I am trying really hard, but it is only going down very slowly, and if I have one day when I eat more than I should have (like yesterday) then my weight immediately jumps up by about a pound. Which then tends to take several days to lose. It feels like a case of 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

I need to sleep. I have been up for 16 hours, and I only had about 4 hours sleep last night. My sleep is dreadful at the moment. Really awful. My mum is taking my grandad back to his house tomorrow. She has spoken to social services, and it is all sorted for the carers to start going in to see him 3 times a day from tomorrow. Hopefully the magic people will have gone when he gets back to his house tomorrow....

Found!

I found my blades. I decided to have another search tonight and I found them. Turns out they were just pretty buried. Really wish I had found them the other day when I wanted them so much. Although it was possibly better that I didn't, as I pretty worked up then. I did self harm tonight. For the first time in about 9 months. Not deep. Just superficial. But I kept going over it over and over again. I am shit at self harming. I always want to cut deeper than I am able to. However many times I go over it and however hard I am pushing it just makes a superficial cut. I want it to be deep. I don't know if it is because my blades aren't sharp enough or what. I think I will buy some new ones. It is amazing what you can find when you search for scalpel on ebay. They look much better than my blades. I can't order for a few days though, because my mum is at home, and so she will see the post, and ask me what it was. Usually the post comes when she is out at work, therefore if I order at the end of this week then it will be ok.

I don't know why I am wanting to self harm so much at the moment. Well I do know. It is because I want to kill myself. I want to overdose so much. But I am trying not to do that because of how much it will upset people. Which is stupid really, because it will happen at some point, so why not now? I would like to do it right now. I would like to get every single tablet I have and take them all. But I can't. For a start it wouldn't be practical - I have an appointment with L in 9 hours, and my mum will expect me to be up in 8 hours. So not good timing. But also I couldn't do that to her - she has more than enough to deal with at the moment with my grandad staying. I haven't had any more stories about magic people today, but he did say earlier that when he had carers before it was useful because when bread was being rationed they had been able to get it for him, even though other people couldn't get it because of the people who make the bread being on strike. Rather baffled as to what that was all about.

I just feel so much that I don't want to be alive. There is no reason for me to be feeling like this at the moment. I am not struggling in the way that I was a few weeks back. I don't have the same desperation - I feel like I am thinking more rationally. But I still want to die. Maybe even more so. Maybe that is proof that I am supposed to kill myself - even when things should be ok I still don't want to live. I just don't know what to do. I don't know what people expect me to do. Everyone always says to carry on, but what is the point? What is it for? I really don't know. If I could see the point of it then it would be easier to keep going. If I could see things getting better then it would be easier. But as it is I just don't understand how or why I am supposed to keep going. It makes no sense. Suicide makes sense.