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Friday 30 April 2010

Selfish?

A friend just said to me that she worries about me every day and is relieved when she sees me online because it means I am still alive. That makes me feel really guilty. For making her worry, and because I still plan to kill myself, and therefore one day her fears will be realised. It is times like this that I want to isolate myself from everyone. The less I speak to people the less they will be hurt. I love my friends, but I feel like I am being selfish by continuing my relationships with them as I will just end up hurting them.

My dad asked me earlier if I had given up on trying to do something about my weight. My mum said to him that I wasn't fat. He didn't reply. That made me feel really good about myself.

3 comments:

  1. My dad used to do that stuff to me too. It's his own insecurities getting to him. Please stay with us, however. You are going through some really hard times, but it's so worth it to stick around for the wonderful stuff. I really think most of my 20s was awful, but now that I'm 30... life is really looking good for the first time. You're strong, and you'll always be strong, even when you don't think you can handle life. It really is worth it. xoxo

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  2. My dad also used to make comments about my weight and it hurt so bad. Regarding the suicidal ideation, I told my therapist today that I wanted to kill myself, and it truly scares me to think that I could be capable of something. I feel like I'm not in control, which is also scary. The truth is, we ARE in control (at least when it comes to such an action). I hope you feel better soon. Keep your chin up! *hugs*

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  3. Don't take your dad's comments to heart - dads can be pretty insensitive at the best of times. Mine said that I was 'much fatter now' just shortly after I entered treatment for my eating disorder and was still dangerously underweight.

    Sarah x

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