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Monday 3 May 2010

The weekend

It's been a hard weekend. Friday night was the worst. The Zopiclone saturday night made that night slightly easier to cope with. Last night was hard. I really wanted to OD. The lovely Em was enormously supportive and spent the night chatting with me on MSN until about half 4 this morning. She was fantastic, and I honestly don't know if I would have got through last night without her. I am really hoping tonight will be slightly easier. The nights I find worst are the ones when I know I would have a long time before anyone would find me, because those are the ones an OD would be most likely to work. I am seeing L tomorrow morning, and my mum has tuesday mornings off work, so a monday night would be an unlikely night for me to take an OD, as there would be less chance of it working than if I did it a different night. And if I know I can't do it, then hopefully I can think about it less too. That is the theory anyway. It works to some extent.

Today was a bit stressful. Lots of family over, and I find that hard. Just too much noise and too many people, and I ended up with a headache all afternoon/evening. I don't like having people over really. It's ok for about half an hour and then I want them to go.

Anyway, yes, I am seeing L tomorrow. I also have a stupid rehearsal in the evening. I am seeing N on wednesday. That will be my last appointment with her as this is her last week. Then I have a ballet class wednesday night. Thursday I am seeing L again. Thinking about the next few days stresses me. It would be very difficult to find any night that I see as a potential OD night, and that makes me feel trapped. I am still just having such strong suicidal thoughts. They are getting stronger if anything, and I just don't know what to do except give in to them. I have tried fighting them, and things aren't getting any easier at all. So maybe now it is time to give in to them.

3 comments:

  1. don't give in! although i know i sound like a huge hypocrite. i am so upset over some school stuff.. there is this particular professor that is making my life a living hell. i wish i could 'paint the walls' of his office with my blood. but i'm not going to. i can't. i can't let him win.

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  2. I'm just like Jenna - I feel like a hypocrite, but am willing you not to give in Bip. You deserve better than this and I'm hoping so much that it will be forthcoming soon.

    Pan xxx

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  3. So sorry to hear that things are so bad at the moment. I hope you can hold on and things improve. I keep saying that, but it is true. xx

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