Dammit

More food talk - again, may trigger

I have eaten too much food today. I will have gained weight tomorrow. I am freaking out a bit. I have just been really hungry. I had 2 slices of bread with peanut butter, some lettuce/cucumber/pepper with some grated cheese, an ice lolly, 3 squares of chocolate and a banana. That must be about 1000kcals. Maybe even more. I find it difficult to judge sometimes. That is why even though things like pizza are high calorie, in a way they are safer, because they say on the packet exactly what is in them. And lettuce and cucumber are ok, because they have virtually no calories. But things like bread and peanut butter? I just have to make a vague guesstimate, and that kind of freaks me out. And I don't know what the cheese weighed, so that is another guess. Maybe I should start only eating things that come in packets, so I know exactly what I am eating, and lettuce. Not things like bread, where you can never really know how many calories it is, because it all depends on how thick you cut the bread, and how much you put on it of whatever you put on bread. Although in my head foods are divided into 'good' and 'bad', and something like pizza or a chocolate bar would be bad, I am actually more comfortable with days like the other day when I had pizza, because I knew what was in it, than days like today when I had salad with a protein and just don't know what I have eaten. So I think maybe I am more bothered by knowing how many calories I had than what food it comes in. I am just really terrified about getting on the scales tomorrow and the number having gone up, when I just need it to go down so much. I hate myself for not having more willpower. When I went downstairs hungry at about 10 my dad said that I should have more willpower, and then I got a banana (because my mum said it would stop me being hungry) and a little bit of chocolate because I was craving it, and my dad said I shouldn't have chocolate on a diet. I am just so frustrated with myself. I don't know how I will ever lose weight, and I hate myself so much like this. Because it is so warm at the moment I have on little short PJs tonight, and I am just so self conscious of my thighs touching all the time, and how fat they are, and I just feel so horrible about myself.