Monday, 17 May 2010
And down again
I feel crap again. My good mood didn't last long. I was really quite hyper for a few hours. Not happy as such but lots of energy and very bouncy and giggly - one of the girls at ballet even commented on it. Then I just kind of gradually crashed back down. I kept looking at myself in the mirrors and I just couldn't believe how enormous I look. My tummy isn't even flat anymore, and that has never been a problem area for me. And then my thighs just completely repulse me. And we had someone new in the class, and that always throws me because it gives me yet another person to compare myself to. And she is thin. Which made me jealous. It wouldn't bother me if she was a better dancer than me, but it bothers me that she is thinner than me. And then when we were on the way home my mum gave me a tube of Rolos. Which I said I wouldn't eat because I am trying to lose weight. I really wanted them, but I didn't want them more than I want to lose weight, and I knew how bad it would make me feel after. But then that turned into a lecture about eating etc from her. I had dinner when I got home, and had a bowl of fruit and fibre before I danced, so I think I probably had about 1000kcals today. And then danced for 75mins. Really hope it is enough to have not gained tomorrow. Seeing L at 11 tomorrow, which means I really need to get to sleep earlier tonight, as I will have to get up in the morning. My sleep is so bad at the moment.
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Hello honey. I'm sorry your good mood didn't last. I've been following you for a while now but don't usually comment, don't want to say something dumb. But I am concerned about you restricting like this. To see you say you really want something but deprive yourself of it in order to lose weight, it breaks my heart. So I'm sorry if this is a dumb comment or makes you feel worse, I hope it doesn't. Just know that there is someone else reading your blog and caring about you.
ReplyDelete*Hugs*
Mood swings suck. I am sorry you couldn't hang on to the good one you wrote about when you went shopping. But, it is good to have a record of it, know that you are capable of feeling happy.
ReplyDeleteWith BPD, you have a tendency to get fixated on things. Be careful with weight. Eating disorders are trouble. Try to leave your mind out of it and let your body tell you when you are hungry. It is hard, but you can practice this.
Hope today is better,
xx kris
Thanks for the replies. You never need to worry about saying something dumb Karita - I say plenty of stupid things, and I always appreciate comments anyway!
ReplyDeleteI know the eating/weight thing isn't good. It has just always been a coping mechanism for me. My weight tends to fluctuate - I go through periods when I restrict, then periods when I eat 'normally' and gain weight because of my messed up metabolism, and then periods of purging because I get annoyed with myself. The last 9 months have been an eating normally period (although even when I eat normally I do less in the way of meals and more in the way of snacks) and it resulted in me gaining 25lbs, and that has really upset me and made me feel really hideous about myself. So I desperately need to lose some weight. I accept that I was at a weight possibly a little low before I started to gain (BMI 17.5), but I do have a very small bone structure and I just feel far too big at this weight. Plus of course it is about the control...
I understand. I gained horrible amounts of weight when I was on Mirtazapine and it made me exceptionally unhappy. Could you try eating healthily, not snacks, but small regular meals? Apart from anything else, it could give you a goal.
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