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Monday, 17 May 2010
And down again
I feel crap again. My good mood didn't last long. I was really quite hyper for a few hours. Not happy as such but lots of energy and very bouncy and giggly - one of the girls at ballet even commented on it. Then I just kind of gradually crashed back down. I kept looking at myself in the mirrors and I just couldn't believe how enormous I look. My tummy isn't even flat anymore, and that has never been a problem area for me. And then my thighs just completely repulse me. And we had someone new in the class, and that always throws me because it gives me yet another person to compare myself to. And she is thin. Which made me jealous. It wouldn't bother me if she was a better dancer than me, but it bothers me that she is thinner than me. And then when we were on the way home my mum gave me a tube of Rolos. Which I said I wouldn't eat because I am trying to lose weight. I really wanted them, but I didn't want them more than I want to lose weight, and I knew how bad it would make me feel after. But then that turned into a lecture about eating etc from her. I had dinner when I got home, and had a bowl of fruit and fibre before I danced, so I think I probably had about 1000kcals today. And then danced for 75mins. Really hope it is enough to have not gained tomorrow. Seeing L at 11 tomorrow, which means I really need to get to sleep earlier tonight, as I will have to get up in the morning. My sleep is so bad at the moment.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
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