Wednesday, 26 May 2010
I should be seeing L at the moment, but 5 minutes after she was due to arrive the receptionist rung and said she had been called out on an emergency assessment and wouldn't be able to see me today. I feel really shit. I shouldn't be this upset. I know sometimes things like this happen, and it isn't her fault. And I did see her on monday in the end. But I just do feel really upset. And actually quite pissed off. Which is completely unreasonable because it isn't her fault. I think maybe it was partly because she didn't tell me herself - usually if she can't make an appointment she rings me herself, or texts me. The receptionist does not usually ring and tell me. Even if she can't make it because she is off sick she usually texts me herself. I think being called by the receptionist and told she can't see me today and that she will see me next tuesday as planned just made me feel even more crap and unimportant. Plus I know she won't be in the rest of this week, so I know there is no chance of seeing her some other time to make up for it or anything. I don't know. I know I am being unreasonable and overreacting but I just feel really awful. My initial instinct was to self harm. I don't know why. I very rarely self harm. It must be 9 months or so since I last did. So why do I want to so much now? And that I want to pisses me off because it is such a bloody textbook borderline reaction - feel abandoned? Self harm. I don't know why I am being so bloody irrational today. I know they have emergencies. I know she couldn't help it. And yet I am taking it really personally.