Sunday, 2 May 2010


Have had some sleeping tablets tonight. Needed to avoid another night last night. So took a few Zopiclone before I got too upset so that I will hopefully be able to sleep tonight. I had to have a few Diazepam last night, but that was ok because there were only a couple left in the packet so I didn't feel like I would get out of control and overdose on them. The Zopiclone are a slightly tricky issue in that I am not actually prescribed them. I haven't been for about 6 months now. Maybe more actually. And when I was prescribed it that was at the time when my mum was in charge of all my meds and just gave me 1 days worth of meds at a time. So what I did with the Zopiclone was hide them most nights instead of taking them, making a little stockpile of them to add to an overdose. I don't have that many left unfortunately, only about 20 (7.5s) as I have taken 4 at a time several times over the last couple of weeks to try and get some proper sleep. As I have already taken them and Zopiclone have the same effect on me as alcohol would I doubt I will remember writing this. So anyway. That is why I can't give anyone my sleeping tablets to have them given to me. I am not meant to have them at all. Naughty Bip.

Since last night was so bad, and I was still really struggling today I decided to try and talk to someone. So I called the out of hours number. This goes through to my local psych ward. Sometimes when I have called them (I have called several times, but not for 6 months or more now) I have spoken to people who have been really helpful and supportive and who have talked to me for a long time and it has been helpful etc. Unfortunately today wasn't one of those times. She sounded nice enough, but just asked what was going on, and I said that I had been really struggling for a couple of weeks and was feeling very suicidal and that last night had been really bad, and she asked if I was under the crisis team and I said no, and she said she would call and speak to them and then either her or them would call me back. She called back and said she had left an answerphone message for the crisis team, but that she had looked at my care plan and that said I should go to A&E if I was feeling suicidal. I pointed out that this is unhelpful, and she said that was what my care plan said. This is unfortunately true. I am going to try and get that changed, as L admits that it is a pretty pointless venture, and so I would rather it wasn't on there. I think it is perhaps a fairly standard thing they do for arse covering though, so that may not work, as her manager or someone might say it needs to be on there. Anyway, I was then expecting to hear from the crisis team (who are generally incompetant, but you get the occasional helpful person), but the nurse from the ward rung back again a few minutes later saying she had spoken to the crisis team and that they had agreed that I should go to A&E if I was feeling suicidal. So I didn't get to talk to anyone. I obviously wasn't going to A&E. A&E is pointless. Particularly because it is the weekend, which means I would be assessed by the crisis team. In office hours you seem to be assessed by a psychiatrist and psych nurse (in my experience anyway) but out of hours it is the crisis team. And what they do is turn up after 4 hours, patronisingly suggest you distract yourself and send you home. If you see the psych and psych nurse they do at least actually assess you properly, ie ask some questions. So anyway. I was clearly not going to A&E. Silly idea.

Still feel shit. I am planning to kill myself. Not tonight though. I need to sleep tonight. That is what you do at night. I have a rehearsal tomorrow. I don't want to go. But I must. I said I would. Well I didn't really have a choice. So I have rehearsal tomorrow. Tonight I need to sleep. Maybe now actually. I think I am tired. Night night.


  1. Good analysis of the crisis team, maybe it's part of their job descriptions to act that way; your team sound very much like mine. Rather than the psych line you could try the samaritans, they have always been very helpful in the past for me. Look after yourself, please keep trying and talking to people.
    Take care Bip xx

  2. As Mags says, what a perfect assessment of the crisis team. I hate them with a burning passion; even though I've only been under them once, they made me all the more suicidal and I vowed I would never have to deal with them again.

    But on the other hand, talking is good. I've never found the Samaritans to be especially useful, but they are supportive which is sometimes better than nothing. Could you go to A&E during normal hours for a proper assessment? Might not help but you never know.

    Whatever the case, thinking of you hun - really hope you can find your way through this. Big hugs xxxxx

  3. Got to love the crisis team. So far this weekend they've recommended I go for a half hour walk and go and feed the ducks :S Wonderful suicide prevention I'm sure.

  4. anickdaler... I've also been told to go for a walk and feed ducks. A bunch of nonsense.

    Bip... I hope you have a good rest and wake up feeling a bit better.

  5. Thanks for the comments.

    Mags - I did ring the Samaritans once but I found it very difficult. And they did suggest I went for a walk. I find it really difficult talking to strangers on the phone, which is why I find it so hard calling anyone out of hours. And why it is so hard when they are unhelpful.

    Pandora - if it were office hours then L would be at work and therefore I wouldn't need to go to A&E. Out of hours it reverts to being the oh so helpful crisis team...

    Anickdaler - ahhhh, good to know the crisis team are being consistant. I would be concerned to hear of any crisis team in the country taking an approach other than go for a walk or have a relaxing bath, as it would mean that someone competant had been hired, which quite frankly would be wrong. I do sometimes wonder if they realise quite how patronising and unhelpful they are, and if they get a kick out of it.

    Thanks Jenna. I had an okish sleep, but it was too short really as I had to set my alarm to get up for a rehearsal today :(

  6. A friend once wondered if the crisis team had a score board in the office for people they drove to suicide themselves: with their 'helpful' tips and presence i could definately see her point when i was involved with them.

    Hugs xx

  7. I have the same issue when i have a crisis. i phone NHS24 and they get psych nurse on duty to call me and normally its the same either go to A&E to see crisis team or distract yourself. I never know really what i want them to say to be honest but sometimes its handy just to have someone to talk to for an hour, cheer u up some sedative meds and sleep though it. As for the Zopiclone yet again i am in the same boat. i dont get trusted with meds and have to go to the docs everytime i struggle sleeping. which tends to be at least once a week and i like to moan i want some more zopiclone. I am lucky to get 2 at a time. I had a low patch and decided i wanted to stash them for an overdose addition as they take the edge off everything. I am now on Amitriptyline which is a 2nd anti d but is supposed to help me sleep. i get it on repeat and have to go to the chemist every 2nd day for it. I feel like a junkie in a methadone que. I have a small stash of them at the moment only 3/4 or so but only because i dont find the point of taking it if i dont need it.
    be careful with the zopiclone though and if u still feel u need something to help u sleep thats less addictive mibbe something like amitriptyline would help you too.

  8. This should be required reading for ppl who work on 'crisis teams'.