Have had some sleeping tablets tonight. Needed to avoid another night last night. So took a few Zopiclone before I got too upset so that I will hopefully be able to sleep tonight. I had to have a few Diazepam last night, but that was ok because there were only a couple left in the packet so I didn't feel like I would get out of control and overdose on them. The Zopiclone are a slightly tricky issue in that I am not actually prescribed them. I haven't been for about 6 months now. Maybe more actually. And when I was prescribed it that was at the time when my mum was in charge of all my meds and just gave me 1 days worth of meds at a time. So what I did with the Zopiclone was hide them most nights instead of taking them, making a little stockpile of them to add to an overdose. I don't have that many left unfortunately, only about 20 (7.5s) as I have taken 4 at a time several times over the last couple of weeks to try and get some proper sleep. As I have already taken them and Zopiclone have the same effect on me as alcohol would I doubt I will remember writing this. So anyway. That is why I can't give anyone my sleeping tablets to have them given to me. I am not meant to have them at all. Naughty Bip.
Since last night was so bad, and I was still really struggling today I decided to try and talk to someone. So I called the out of hours number. This goes through to my local psych ward. Sometimes when I have called them (I have called several times, but not for 6 months or more now) I have spoken to people who have been really helpful and supportive and who have talked to me for a long time and it has been helpful etc. Unfortunately today wasn't one of those times. She sounded nice enough, but just asked what was going on, and I said that I had been really struggling for a couple of weeks and was feeling very suicidal and that last night had been really bad, and she asked if I was under the crisis team and I said no, and she said she would call and speak to them and then either her or them would call me back. She called back and said she had left an answerphone message for the crisis team, but that she had looked at my care plan and that said I should go to A&E if I was feeling suicidal. I pointed out that this is unhelpful, and she said that was what my care plan said. This is unfortunately true. I am going to try and get that changed, as L admits that it is a pretty pointless venture, and so I would rather it wasn't on there. I think it is perhaps a fairly standard thing they do for arse covering though, so that may not work, as her manager or someone might say it needs to be on there. Anyway, I was then expecting to hear from the crisis team (who are generally incompetant, but you get the occasional helpful person), but the nurse from the ward rung back again a few minutes later saying she had spoken to the crisis team and that they had agreed that I should go to A&E if I was feeling suicidal. So I didn't get to talk to anyone. I obviously wasn't going to A&E. A&E is pointless. Particularly because it is the weekend, which means I would be assessed by the crisis team. In office hours you seem to be assessed by a psychiatrist and psych nurse (in my experience anyway) but out of hours it is the crisis team. And what they do is turn up after 4 hours, patronisingly suggest you distract yourself and send you home. If you see the psych and psych nurse they do at least actually assess you properly, ie ask some questions. So anyway. I was clearly not going to A&E. Silly idea.
Still feel shit. I am planning to kill myself. Not tonight though. I need to sleep tonight. That is what you do at night. I have a rehearsal tomorrow. I don't want to go. But I must. I said I would. Well I didn't really have a choice. So I have rehearsal tomorrow. Tonight I need to sleep. Maybe now actually. I think I am tired. Night night.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago