I don't know?

I had my evil ENT appointment earlier. I did have to have the horrible tube with a camera down my nose/throat again, which was hideous again. My nose is apparently very narrow at the back, which makes it more painful. When it is actually down there it isn't too bad, but getting it in is bloody painful, even though you have some squirts of this numbing stuff first. But the doctor was very nice and friendly and understanding (and quite cute actually!) and did apologise whilst doing it - he said he always feels like he is torturing people when he does it! So yes, it hurt, but at least it is out of the way. Although my nose still hurts, and my eye on that side feels weird too. As I expected, nothing has changed since the last time I had it done, but I had to see ENT again before the voice therapy people would see me. Basically my vocal cords aren't meeting properly, and are bowing, and he said they should be able to give me exercised to do that will strengthen the muscles and get them back to normal. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long to see them, but who knows with the NHS!

I have heard about the auditions. I was offered the part I auditioned for on monday, which is quite nice, as although it isn't an enormous part, it is quite a nice part, and quite a few girls were auditioning for it, and I have never done anything with that group before, so it was nice to be cast. Amateur groups are oftten pretty cliquey and give the parts to people who have done lots of shows with them before etc, so it is nice to have found a group that just give the parts to the best people auditioninng, rather than the ones who have done most shows, or whose mother is on the audition panel or something! I didn't get the part I wanted in the other show, which is a shame, because I would rather have done that part (bigger part, and a really great comedy role), but on the other hand it is probably as well, because I had told the first group that I wasn't interested in being in the ensemble, and that I would only do it if I got the part, so it then wouldn't have looked very good if I had then turned down the part after getting it! The thing that frustrates me about the part that I didn't get though, is that I should have got it. The reason I didn't was because they didn't have a good enough guy of a suitable age to play opposite me, so they had to cast a much older guy, who was then too old for me to play opposite, and so they then had to cast an older female. So that was frustrating, because the director told me that I would have had the part if they had had a guy to play against me. But never mind. These things happen. It gives me a chance to do a show with a new group and meet new people etc, and that is always a good thing. I am a bit concerned I have taken on too much though... I wasn't actually expecting to get the part I went for in either show, and I have already said I will do Miranda in The Tempest, so I now have that (on in the last week of July), my ballet classes 2 nights a week, also until late July (summer holiday then), and now the musical (not on until October, but rehearsals start next week). That basically means I will end up being out pretty much every night, as well as having lots of lines to learn. Oh, and I also have to do 1 more performance of the play that I was in a few weeks ago, as it is entered in a drama festival. Luckily I will only have 1 rehearsal for that, just to check we all still know what we are doing, and then the performance, but it is another committment, although it will be over in 2 weeks. I have to admit that I am feeling slightly pressured and stressed, and wondering if I shouldn't have tried to do so much, but I suppose I will just have to see how it goes. I am never sure whether committments are a good thing for me or not. I often end up resenting them, and getting very stressed out by them, but on the other hand they sometimes keep me going, because once I have committed to something I really try hard to see it through, particularly if it is something that would mean letting other people down. I guess I will just have to see how it all goes, and if I have a really bad patch or everything is getting too much for me then I will have to try and find a way to cut down on things or make it more manageable.

I wish I could feel happy or enthusiastic about things. Despite having all this stuff going on, I still just have constant thoughts about killing myself. I don't feel like I am at a high risk of acting on it or anything. But the thoughts are still there all the time. That I don't want to be alive. That I want to die. That nothing is worth it. That things will never change. That everyone would be better off without me. That I should have killed myself years ago.