Saturday, 29 May 2010

I don't know?

I had my evil ENT appointment earlier. I did have to have the horrible tube with a camera down my nose/throat again, which was hideous again. My nose is apparently very narrow at the back, which makes it more painful. When it is actually down there it isn't too bad, but getting it in is bloody painful, even though you have some squirts of this numbing stuff first. But the doctor was very nice and friendly and understanding (and quite cute actually!) and did apologise whilst doing it - he said he always feels like he is torturing people when he does it! So yes, it hurt, but at least it is out of the way. Although my nose still hurts, and my eye on that side feels weird too. As I expected, nothing has changed since the last time I had it done, but I had to see ENT again before the voice therapy people would see me. Basically my vocal cords aren't meeting properly, and are bowing, and he said they should be able to give me exercised to do that will strengthen the muscles and get them back to normal. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long to see them, but who knows with the NHS!

I have heard about the auditions. I was offered the part I auditioned for on monday, which is quite nice, as although it isn't an enormous part, it is quite a nice part, and quite a few girls were auditioning for it, and I have never done anything with that group before, so it was nice to be cast. Amateur groups are oftten pretty cliquey and give the parts to people who have done lots of shows with them before etc, so it is nice to have found a group that just give the parts to the best people auditioninng, rather than the ones who have done most shows, or whose mother is on the audition panel or something! I didn't get the part I wanted in the other show, which is a shame, because I would rather have done that part (bigger part, and a really great comedy role), but on the other hand it is probably as well, because I had told the first group that I wasn't interested in being in the ensemble, and that I would only do it if I got the part, so it then wouldn't have looked very good if I had then turned down the part after getting it! The thing that frustrates me about the part that I didn't get though, is that I should have got it. The reason I didn't was because they didn't have a good enough guy of a suitable age to play opposite me, so they had to cast a much older guy, who was then too old for me to play opposite, and so they then had to cast an older female. So that was frustrating, because the director told me that I would have had the part if they had had a guy to play against me. But never mind. These things happen. It gives me a chance to do a show with a new group and meet new people etc, and that is always a good thing. I am a bit concerned I have taken on too much though... I wasn't actually expecting to get the part I went for in either show, and I have already said I will do Miranda in The Tempest, so I now have that (on in the last week of July), my ballet classes 2 nights a week, also until late July (summer holiday then), and now the musical (not on until October, but rehearsals start next week). That basically means I will end up being out pretty much every night, as well as having lots of lines to learn. Oh, and I also have to do 1 more performance of the play that I was in a few weeks ago, as it is entered in a drama festival. Luckily I will only have 1 rehearsal for that, just to check we all still know what we are doing, and then the performance, but it is another committment, although it will be over in 2 weeks. I have to admit that I am feeling slightly pressured and stressed, and wondering if I shouldn't have tried to do so much, but I suppose I will just have to see how it goes. I am never sure whether committments are a good thing for me or not. I often end up resenting them, and getting very stressed out by them, but on the other hand they sometimes keep me going, because once I have committed to something I really try hard to see it through, particularly if it is something that would mean letting other people down. I guess I will just have to see how it all goes, and if I have a really bad patch or everything is getting too much for me then I will have to try and find a way to cut down on things or make it more manageable.

I wish I could feel happy or enthusiastic about things. Despite having all this stuff going on, I still just have constant thoughts about killing myself. I don't feel like I am at a high risk of acting on it or anything. But the thoughts are still there all the time. That I don't want to be alive. That I want to die. That nothing is worth it. That things will never change. That everyone would be better off without me. That I should have killed myself years ago.


  1. I think that if you have a plan of action to end your life, you should take yourself somewhere (hospital, crisis center) until this episode passes. Depression can zap all enthusiasm for life right out of existence. if you are in danger, please talk with someone.

    It doesn't matter that you have some very positive things going for you. (Which you do!) Unfortunately, it should, but it doesn't. Not an hour after my daughter had the experience with the British Vogue editor, she was back in her rut. Depression stripped the accolade away.

    Please, take action to protect yourself. Although we would all miss you terribly, we want you around because you want to be. Not because you have an obligation to be in the plays you have auditioned for and gotten the parts (!), but because you want to do them and are excited about your performing schedule.

    The spark needs to come from your own source. Maybe your meds need tweaking?
    xx kris

  2. Thanks Kris. At the moment I am not on any meds - my Psych is of the 'you have a personality disorder, therefore medication isn't going to help you' way of thinking, and so she took me off the anti depressants I was on. Which was fair enough, because they didn't seem to be doing a lot, but both L and I feel that overall I have been worse since coming off them - things like concentration and sleep and all those clinical depression symptoms have been worse. I have an appointment with her in a couple of weeks, so I will mention it then.

    The thing about protecting myself and keeping myself safe is a difficult one. If I went to A&E every time I had suicidal thoughts, then I would literally be there all the time, because they are constant. I don't have episodes of feeling suicidal, and then times when they go away - they are just there all of the time. I have to distinguish between when they are just thoughts, and when I am getting more out of control and feeling like I am likely to act on them. But even then there is a limit to what I can do. I don't have the option of being admitted to hospital, so I basically just have to sit it out and try not to act on it. Which most of the time I manage, sometimes I haven't managed it and I have tried to kill myself.


  3. It's a double edged sword sometimes having lots of things to do can be a really good distraction. However, putting yourself under pressure and stress can end up pushing you back down. You'll just have to take care and do what you feel you can manage. Good luck with all the parts. x

  4. Often antidepressants will cause mania with BPD patients so I understand why you were taken off of them. Yes, personality disorders are usually impossible to treat with meds, but some symptoms can get out of hand and an antipsychotic can help quell these out-of-control feelings. For a short-term course, not extended use.
    You are an actor and dancer so you probably know the connection between breath and relaxation. Have you ever tried this calming technique? It seems so weak in comparison to what is going on in your head, according to my daughter. But, she has admitted to getting some relief - in through the nose, deeply, out through the mouth. Again, a temporary fix.
    Don't look too far ahead. Concentrate on the here and now. focus on getting what needs to be done today and not ALL the lines for every play you will be in for the next year. You are clearly talented, when you need to learn them you will. All together it might look overwhelming, but I think you will be happy down the road that you went out for these parts and got them!
    Get through today knowing that you have a cheering section in your readership.
    xx kris