I am having a kind of weird day. I just don't know what to do with myself. In a way this is a good thing, because it shows I am less depressed, because when things are at their worst I don't have to think of anything to do, because I just spend hours staring at the wall or ceiling and time just goes like that. But things also aren't good enough for me to be able to do anything really either. I can't concentrate on anything, so I just kind of flit from one thing to another, and not really knowing what to do with myself. It is a bit like being in limbo. I want to be able to read again. I miss reading. But I just can't concentrate. I might try and start reading childrens books - I often find that is the best way to get back into reading when I have been through a particularly bad patch. I ended up reading loads on Enid Blyton books last year - the ones I was reading to myself by the time I was about 5 ( I read proper books from a very young age - I skipped all the reading scheme books really as I could read before I went to school), like the Faraway Tree books and the Five Findouters. After a while of reading children's books I was able to get back into adult books. Nothing too complicated - lots of thrillers etc, that were fast paced enough to keep my attention. So anyway, I might try children's books again. I have hundreds and hundreds of books, so I should be able to find something to read. When I have read some really simple books to get me started I might re-read the Harry Potter series. I haven't ready any of them for a couple of years - not since Deathly Hallows came out. I might re-read the whole series. But I think I need to read something even simpler first. I feel a bit stupid reading books that I read when I was 5, but it has helped me get back into reading in the past. Magazines are good too for that, but I don't often buy magazines.
Somehow, I had miraculously lost weight today. Not much, like half a pound, but I hadn't expected to after yesterday, so that was a nice suprise. I definitely won't have tomorrow though. And I always eat more at the weekends, because of having people around. I find it harder to not eat if other people are eating. I am eating some sweets (130kcals) at the moment. I feel a bit bad about that, but I wanted something, and even though they are sweets so have absolutely no nutritional benefits, at least they come in a packet so I know exactly what I am eating. And I have had 2 slices of bread (1 with marmite, 1 with peanut butter) and a chicken breast portion with some lettuce and cucumber. Again, I just have no idea how many calories that is. Chicken is pretty low in calories and fat, but I would only be able to make a rough guess, and the bread just confuses me really. Oh, and I also had an ice lolly - it was 100% pineapple juice though, so that isn't too bad. I like ice lollies because they are sweet, so they satisfy me when I want something sweet, but they never have any fat, and they are always pretty low in calories - the one I had today was 65kcals, and counts as one of my portions of fruit/veg for the day. Not that I ever have 5 portions of fruit/veg a day, but I quite like that an ice lolly counts as one.
I might try and go for a walk or something tomorrow as the weather is so nice. Well in reality I probably won't, because I don't like walking, but I feel like I should go outside for a while. Or at least open my curtains to let the sun in. I usually keep my curtains closed, I am not sure why really. It just feels cosy and safe or something. I can pretend the world isn't there if I am closed in my room.
Will I make it through?
1 week ago