Wednesday, 19 May 2010


One of my bags that I bought yesterday arrived today. I was impressed. I had bought it as a 'Buy it now' on ebay at about 3 o'clock yesterday afternoon, and it was here this morning. I am pleased with it. It is pretty and it is a suitable size. I do like bags.

I saw L this morning. That was fine. Seeing her at 10am on thursday. After I saw her today I met up with a friend and we just sat in Costa and chatted. She is under the same CMHT as me. Our mums work together, and she went to the same school as me, but was 4 years below me, so I didn't really know her then. We re-met last year when we were both doing an assertiveness and self esteem course. The course wasn't all that great, but we have stayed friendly since then and we sometimes meet up when I have been in town for appointments or something. Sometimes we go for several months without seeing each other, and then we see each other weekly or something for a while. Anyway, I guess it was nice to see her, and it is good for me to be out of the house for a reason other than an appointment or a dance class.

Food/calorie talk - please do not read if you find that sort of thing triggering.

I got a bit upset last night, as I made the mistake of measuring myself for the first time in a long time, and my measurements have just gone up so much. Of course I knew that anyway really since none of my clothes fit, but it was still really hard to see. It made me even more determined to lose weight. And then earlier today I got a bit upset because I tried on a jumper and decided I wasn't going to wear it because I felt like it made me look fat and my dad said that at least I was on a diet now. I know I bitch about my weight, but that doesn't mean I want other people to do it. He also called me lump the other day. Although I have gained a lot of weight, I am not technically overweight. My BMI is 21.3, and I am a UK size 8 - top half and 10 - bottom half (that is about US size 4 and 6 for any Americans reading).

I am still kind of on track weight wise. I had to weigh about 4 hours earlier today than I usually would (and yeah, 4 hours does make a difference) and I was still down 0.2lbs so yesterday wasn't a disaster. Today I had a 'proper' meal for dinner (half a pizza - 545kcals, and some lettuce), and then an ice lolly (61kcals), but I didn't eat anything else, so I stayed under about 650kcals despite having a high calorie food like pizza, so I am really hoping I will have lost tomorrow. I am quite hungry, but it will be worth it if my weight has gone down tomorrow, and the hunger will fade - I won't be hungry when I wake up tomorrow because I am never hungry when I first wake up, and then I will have a Diet Coke, and then I have ballet in the evening, so I will eat about 6ish. I don't know what I will have yet. I have generally found in the past that I can get around with 1 real meal a day if I don't eat anything else, or I can have 2 smaller things, like for example a slice of bread earlier in the day and then some salad in the evening, sometimes with another slice of bread if I am really hungry. Basically as long as I stay under about 700kcals it is ok. Fingers crossed for weight to be lower tomorrow. Thursday will be the hardest day, because I have to be up early because of L coming at 10, and the longer I am up in the day the harder it is to not overeat.

I think that is one of the reasons why my sleep pattern is screwy. There are lots of reasons why I am scared of being awake in the day. Some related to food, some not. The food related are a) being up more in the day means I am more likely to eat in the day, which means I am less likely to lose weight, and b) I only purge when I have the house to myself, which would be the daytime when my parents are at work, so if I am up in the day I am more likely to end up eating something and feeling guilty about it and purging, or deliberately eating things with the intention of purging them. Purging is not good. The other reason is if I am awake in the morning from when my mum goes out to work it is a really long day, and if I know I have a long time on my own then I find it really difficult to keep myself safe when I feel bad. So although I know my sleeping pattern is bad and messed up, there are reasons behind that. The problem is that I often find nights a difficult time when I am really struggling, as again, I know I would have a long time before anyone found me if I was to overdose. But there aren't the food problems at night, so it has to be slightly better? Neither are ideal I suppose. Nothing is.

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