Friday, 28 May 2010

My Friends

I didn't self harm yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn't because I decided against it, but because my blades appear to have disappeared off the face of the planet. Well either that or my mum came across them at some point and took them without saying anything. That is possibly more likely than them disappearing by themselves. But it pissed me off. I searched for them really thoroughly, but they really aren't anywhere. I was pissed off and tried briefly to cut with something else, but I only like my blades - nothing else cuts it (excuse the pun!). They were special blades, for craft or something - they looked like double edged mens razor blades (except without the funny cut out bit in the middle), but with only one side, which made it easier, as I know I would end up slicing my fingers if I attempted to use double edged blades. They were perfect. I am very sad they have disappeared. I know I rarely used them, but I need them to be there when I do want them, and now I know that they aren't I desperately feel a need to replace them. The problem is the place I got them from no longer seems to have them, and I am not sure where I can get a good replacement. I am scouring Amazon.

I went to the theatre earlier, to see a play about BPD. It was interesting. Some bits were quite difficult to watch because it felt a bit close to home, but some bits I wasn't sure about - it sometimes seemed like it was more about a psychotic illness, and although I know that some people with BPD may hear voices or see things, it isn't really a typical feature. It was interesting to watch though. I went with my friend who I have mentioned before, who is under the same CMHT as me, and it was quite funny because the majority of the CMHT were also in the audience (including L), which was just a bit weird. It is strange seeing people out of context like that, although I did know that some of them would be there, as L had already told me that she was going. There was a Q&A session afterwards, with the cast, a psychologist who had been involved in it, and the playwright/director. Some people asked some quite interesting questions. Overall it was quite an interesting evening. I may write more about it tomorrow when I have had more time to process it all.

I have my ENT appointment tomorrow for my voice. I really am dreading it! I am just such a wuss, and so squeamish, and I don't want a stupid bloody tube stuck down my nose. I know I won't be able to sleep properly for stressing about it. I just need to keep thinking that this is something I have to do to get my voice sorted out, so I can sing properly again. Gahhh!

Oh, and in good news, my weight is down a bit. Not much, I have only lost a few lbs, but I have now managed to get past last saturday - my weight is now 0.2lbs lower than it was last saturday, which means it has taken 4 days to lose 1.2lbs, which is pretty slow going, but I am trying to look on the positive side. And really hope it keeps going down. Even thought it frustrates me when it goes down so slowly, it still makes me feel like I am achieving something when I am losing weight, and I need that feeling of achievement at the moment.

Oh, and for anyone wondering how on earth the title relates to the rest of my post, in Sweeney Todd, but the genius Stephen Sondheim, Sweeney sings a song called My Friends to his razors. It is a beautiful song, I recommend you listen to it. But not the Johnny Depp version. Johnny Depp is gorgeous and sexy, but he can't sing Sondheim like George Hearn can!


  1. Though your mum probably took your blades because she cares and doesn't want you to hurt yourself, I'd be annoyed if my SH tools were taken away from me too. Even if I didn't use them to self harm, it's a comfort just knowing they are there, just in case. It would be ideal for you not to need to replace it, but I know it's not that simple, so please just stay safe.

    It sounds like an interesting play, though I agree it would be weird to see people out like that. I look forward to hearing more about it.

    A tube down your nose does sound pretty unpleasant. Hope it goes okay anyway and isn't too bad.

    Take care,
    Cassie x

  2. I probably shouldn't be saying this, but I do understand the safety net that self-harm tools can provide. To that end, I found an eBay search for 'scalpel' very useful... *clears throat*

    I would love to have seen that play! I look forward to hearing more about it if you want to write it.

    Good luck with the appointment hun. xxx

  3. Ok, so I am a mom of someone who self harms and I totally understand the urge to take away and destroy the tools that are used to inflict injury. But, at the same time, at dinner the other night, during which time my daughter was in crisis, I said, without thinking, that I don't care what drugs my daughter takes. Street drugs, whatever - if it gives her relief. She deserves a break from her mind. So, I am a hypocrite.
    There is something about cutting that was at first so scary but then it became just a thing like any other anomaly I got used to dealing with my daughter's mental illness.
    That is the problem. If sometimes I slip and speak openly about some aspect of my daughter's illnesses that is scary, I am momentarily surprised by the reaction. But, then I realize I have lost track of the line - the one I shouldn't cross in public.
    So, I am confused. And, I am sorry that you cut and I am sorry that your mom took your tools away. I see it from both sides and it doesn't help. No answers/insight for either side.
    I did once meet a girl who carried her tools around with her for years. She would transfer the little packet form one handbag to another without thinking. Then, things started to improve in her life and though she continued to carry the tools around, she never thought to throw them out. Until one day, I was standing behind this stranger in a restaurant's bathroom and she was digging for something in her handbag and came out with this velvet bundle. She turned to me and told me she was going to throw this out. Finally. I, of course, had no idea what it was. She told me a brief summary, smiled, put her lipstick on and left.
    I was somewhere in Florida looking for a treatment facility for my daughter. I remember being very moved by this leap of faith she took right in front of me.
    Good luck, Bippidee.
    xx kris

  4. I'm glad you didn't self harm, regardless of the situation. Believe me, I know how difficult it is. My mom has taken away TWO good knives, and another random sharp object of choice over the years. Someday I'll thank her for it, I'm sure. Best wishes to you! :)