I didn't self harm yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn't because I decided against it, but because my blades appear to have disappeared off the face of the planet. Well either that or my mum came across them at some point and took them without saying anything. That is possibly more likely than them disappearing by themselves. But it pissed me off. I searched for them really thoroughly, but they really aren't anywhere. I was pissed off and tried briefly to cut with something else, but I only like my blades - nothing else cuts it (excuse the pun!). They were special blades, for craft or something - they looked like double edged mens razor blades (except without the funny cut out bit in the middle), but with only one side, which made it easier, as I know I would end up slicing my fingers if I attempted to use double edged blades. They were perfect. I am very sad they have disappeared. I know I rarely used them, but I need them to be there when I do want them, and now I know that they aren't I desperately feel a need to replace them. The problem is the place I got them from no longer seems to have them, and I am not sure where I can get a good replacement. I am scouring Amazon.
I went to the theatre earlier, to see a play about BPD. It was interesting. Some bits were quite difficult to watch because it felt a bit close to home, but some bits I wasn't sure about - it sometimes seemed like it was more about a psychotic illness, and although I know that some people with BPD may hear voices or see things, it isn't really a typical feature. It was interesting to watch though. I went with my friend who I have mentioned before, who is under the same CMHT as me, and it was quite funny because the majority of the CMHT were also in the audience (including L), which was just a bit weird. It is strange seeing people out of context like that, although I did know that some of them would be there, as L had already told me that she was going. There was a Q&A session afterwards, with the cast, a psychologist who had been involved in it, and the playwright/director. Some people asked some quite interesting questions. Overall it was quite an interesting evening. I may write more about it tomorrow when I have had more time to process it all.
I have my ENT appointment tomorrow for my voice. I really am dreading it! I am just such a wuss, and so squeamish, and I don't want a stupid bloody tube stuck down my nose. I know I won't be able to sleep properly for stressing about it. I just need to keep thinking that this is something I have to do to get my voice sorted out, so I can sing properly again. Gahhh!
Oh, and in good news, my weight is down a bit. Not much, I have only lost a few lbs, but I have now managed to get past last saturday - my weight is now 0.2lbs lower than it was last saturday, which means it has taken 4 days to lose 1.2lbs, which is pretty slow going, but I am trying to look on the positive side. And really hope it keeps going down. Even thought it frustrates me when it goes down so slowly, it still makes me feel like I am achieving something when I am losing weight, and I need that feeling of achievement at the moment.
Oh, and for anyone wondering how on earth the title relates to the rest of my post, in Sweeney Todd, but the genius Stephen Sondheim, Sweeney sings a song called My Friends to his razors. It is a beautiful song, I recommend you listen to it. But not the Johnny Depp version. Johnny Depp is gorgeous and sexy, but he can't sing Sondheim like George Hearn can!
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago