I am not feeling too great. It has been quite a tiring week really I suppose, and just quite hard to deal with. It has been tiring being out every night, and being around people. The play has been going alright I think. I have the last performance tonight. Got to leave for the theatre in half an hour, I really should be doing things like eating and showering and getting myself ready rather than sitting in bed writing this and watching Come Dine With Me. Ah well.
I don't think I have written on here before about one of my closest friends. We will call her A. I first met her about 6 or 7 years ago on an Eating Disorder support message board. We then started talking on MSN, and on the phone, and then met up, and she has come to stay with me several times. She lives a few hours drive away so I don't get to see her very often, but we have always talked a lot in between seeing each other etc. We are very similar. We have a very similar sense of humour (pretty black), and have always joked about how alike we are. She has pretty much the same diagnoses as me, and in terms of thoughts etc we have always been very similar. Behaviourally we are also fairly similar, although she has always self harmed more than me - I rarely self harm, whereas she does it quite a lot. We have always supported each other a lot and tried to be there when the other has been struggling.
A has spent the last 7 months in hospital on a section 3. I miss her. We still talk, but not as much as we used to. I have tried to be there for her as much as I can, but it is hard when I am struggling too. I think I have probably missed her support. It has also kind of scared me a bit. Like I said, we have always been very similar, and it scares me that she has been on a section for so long. Although I have been in hospital a couple of times it hasn't been on a section. I don't know - I suppose I just think that if it can happen to her than it could happen to me. I don't really understand why they have kept her there for so long. She has been struggling, but I don't really think more so than other times. Prior to this she had only ever had 1 week long voluntary crisis admissions, and then suddenly she has been on a section for 7 months.
They are looking into a theraputic community for her for when she leaves hospital. I shouldn't be jealous of that but I am. For several years now I have felt like that would be what would be most likely to help me. Probably partly because it seems to be about the only thing that I haven't tried. And partly because I feel like I would be able to move on more in a therapy sense if I was somewhere I felt safe rather than leaving sessions and going back home and having to cope with the suicidal thoughts on my own. I wish that a theraputic community was an option for me. A and I used to talk about how we thought that would be the most helpful thing for us. Now she is likely to be getting that, but no longer seems to want it. Which I can understand because I know she can't see things getting changing and she thinks she is never going to get better. I can relate to that. But I wish I could have the opportunity of going to a theraputic community for treatment. But I feel guilty because she has spent the last 7 months in hospital, and will probably be there for quite a while longer yet. And I am not jealous of that - I think that would be really difficult. But I am jealous that she is going to get the treatment I feel could help me but I can't have.
Edit - I just noticed that this was my 100th post!
Will I make it through?
6 days ago