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Saturday, 15 May 2010

A

I am not feeling too great. It has been quite a tiring week really I suppose, and just quite hard to deal with. It has been tiring being out every night, and being around people. The play has been going alright I think. I have the last performance tonight. Got to leave for the theatre in half an hour, I really should be doing things like eating and showering and getting myself ready rather than sitting in bed writing this and watching Come Dine With Me. Ah well.

I don't think I have written on here before about one of my closest friends. We will call her A. I first met her about 6 or 7 years ago on an Eating Disorder support message board. We then started talking on MSN, and on the phone, and then met up, and she has come to stay with me several times. She lives a few hours drive away so I don't get to see her very often, but we have always talked a lot in between seeing each other etc. We are very similar. We have a very similar sense of humour (pretty black), and have always joked about how alike we are. She has pretty much the same diagnoses as me, and in terms of thoughts etc we have always been very similar. Behaviourally we are also fairly similar, although she has always self harmed more than me - I rarely self harm, whereas she does it quite a lot. We have always supported each other a lot and tried to be there when the other has been struggling.

A has spent the last 7 months in hospital on a section 3. I miss her. We still talk, but not as much as we used to. I have tried to be there for her as much as I can, but it is hard when I am struggling too. I think I have probably missed her support. It has also kind of scared me a bit. Like I said, we have always been very similar, and it scares me that she has been on a section for so long. Although I have been in hospital a couple of times it hasn't been on a section. I don't know - I suppose I just think that if it can happen to her than it could happen to me. I don't really understand why they have kept her there for so long. She has been struggling, but I don't really think more so than other times. Prior to this she had only ever had 1 week long voluntary crisis admissions, and then suddenly she has been on a section for 7 months.

They are looking into a theraputic community for her for when she leaves hospital. I shouldn't be jealous of that but I am. For several years now I have felt like that would be what would be most likely to help me. Probably partly because it seems to be about the only thing that I haven't tried. And partly because I feel like I would be able to move on more in a therapy sense if I was somewhere I felt safe rather than leaving sessions and going back home and having to cope with the suicidal thoughts on my own. I wish that a theraputic community was an option for me. A and I used to talk about how we thought that would be the most helpful thing for us. Now she is likely to be getting that, but no longer seems to want it. Which I can understand because I know she can't see things getting changing and she thinks she is never going to get better. I can relate to that. But I wish I could have the opportunity of going to a theraputic community for treatment. But I feel guilty because she has spent the last 7 months in hospital, and will probably be there for quite a while longer yet. And I am not jealous of that - I think that would be really difficult. But I am jealous that she is going to get the treatment I feel could help me but I can't have.

Edit - I just noticed that this was my 100th post!
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4 comments:

  1. Susie15 May 2010 at 20:36

    I think the longest i spent sectioned in one go was about 6-7 months, just because you are there so long doesn't always reflect on how well/ill the person is. If she is unlucky enough to have a lazy arse of a psych then it may be academic as to how her actual health currently is.

    After the 6/7 months my psych changed and within a week i was on leave and i never went back there during that time.

    Have you suggested a theraputic community to L or your psych (you probably have told me, sorry)

    xx

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  2. Kristin15 May 2010 at 22:30

    Hospitalization isn't always the key that fits the lock. You might like it for a week or two - less to worry about, built-in community that understands you, fewer daily decisions. But, within a short time, you might also start feeling that the community is restrictive. People watching you ALL the time. (I am quoting from my daughter who spent a great deal of time in therapeutic communities.)
    Talk with your psych about it but remember all that you have going for you with the play. (congratulations, by the way)
    Have you thought of doing it half-way and finding a group setting for therapy?
    xx kris

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  3. Bippidee15 May 2010 at 23:08

    Susie - Her psych actually seems very good, but they have been playing around with medication a fair bit, and pretty much every time she has been given a few hours leave she has ended up self harming in some way, and so they are obviously reluctant to give her more leave. They also don't really want her going back to her flat, as nothing much has changed, so they are looking for alternatives, and obviously that takes time. I think they are in a pretty awkward position really, trying to weigh up the risk, which isn't insignificant given that she cuts or overdoses fairly frequently, with the risks of her becoming institutionalised, which I think she already has to a very large extent. They have just renewed her section though, and I don't think they are planning to discharge her anytime soon.

    Kristin - It isn't hospital I want. Theraputic Communities here are run on very different lines to acute hospital wards - there aren't observations etc like there are in wards, and they are all about taking responsibility for yourself. They aren't ever locked, and if you walk out nobody is going to follow you etc. It is the level of therapy in a supportive environment that I think would find helping. Unfortunately it isn't as simple as finding group therapy etc. There is no DBT at all in my county, and no group therapy at all really that I know of. Services are rather patchy over here - in some areas they are very good, and in others there is nothing apart from your basic CMHT services. A has already done a years DBT as an outpatient, but unfortunately there isn't that provision where I live.

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  4. Kristin16 May 2010 at 12:49

    The last place my daughter fled from was an open setting therapeutic community. What I was referring to was the scrutiny that exists in that kind of environment. It seems that it can't be avoided. She liked the openness at first but everyone knowing her business got to her with time.
    I do understand your need for more intensive help. I wish it was available for you.
    xx kris

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