I am really struggling quite a lot. Yesterday afternoon was hard - I didn't really do anything except write my blog post from yesterday, and that took me from about half 12 until about half 8, and there is not 8 hours worth of writing there, so I am thinking I must have done a fair bit of dissociating. The night wasn't so bad - I had the election coverage on and was talking to a few people on MSN and I think I stayed fairly with it. I got to sleep about half 4, slept terribly, woke up at some point during the morning and went online for about half an hour, then when back to sleep until about half 1. I still woke up feeling exhausted, because even when on paper the ammount of sleep I have had looks ok it is so interrupted and disturbed that it just doesn't seem to refresh me at all. My mum still hasn't picked up my bloody prescription.
Today has been really bad. Even when I was waking up in the night I felt really crap, and then when I woke up properly I just felt really dreadful. I feel very tense and anxious, I think mostly about the things I wrote about yesterday. I don't know what to do about the America thing, and whatever decision I make feels wrong. I also just feel so hopeless, because I really don't see things changing and that is so hard. The last few weeks have been so unbelievably hard and I have felt so terrible, and I have kept going and I haven't tried to kill myself because I thought things would have to get easier soon, and they haven't, they have got harder and I feel worse and more suicidal, and I really just don't know what I supposed to do now. I can't just keep on going. I feel so lost. I desperately want to kill myself. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to pass the time because I just can't concentrate or think properly. I feel like I want to cry all of the time, but it is like I am empty, there is nothing there. I just can't carry on. I feel so bad that it really hurts. I really think I have reached breaking point.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago