I am really struggling quite a lot. Yesterday afternoon was hard - I didn't really do anything except write my blog post from yesterday, and that took me from about half 12 until about half 8, and there is not 8 hours worth of writing there, so I am thinking I must have done a fair bit of dissociating. The night wasn't so bad - I had the election coverage on and was talking to a few people on MSN and I think I stayed fairly with it. I got to sleep about half 4, slept terribly, woke up at some point during the morning and went online for about half an hour, then when back to sleep until about half 1. I still woke up feeling exhausted, because even when on paper the ammount of sleep I have had looks ok it is so interrupted and disturbed that it just doesn't seem to refresh me at all. My mum still hasn't picked up my bloody prescription.
Today has been really bad. Even when I was waking up in the night I felt really crap, and then when I woke up properly I just felt really dreadful. I feel very tense and anxious, I think mostly about the things I wrote about yesterday. I don't know what to do about the America thing, and whatever decision I make feels wrong. I also just feel so hopeless, because I really don't see things changing and that is so hard. The last few weeks have been so unbelievably hard and I have felt so terrible, and I have kept going and I haven't tried to kill myself because I thought things would have to get easier soon, and they haven't, they have got harder and I feel worse and more suicidal, and I really just don't know what I supposed to do now. I can't just keep on going. I feel so lost. I desperately want to kill myself. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to pass the time because I just can't concentrate or think properly. I feel like I want to cry all of the time, but it is like I am empty, there is nothing there. I just can't carry on. I feel so bad that it really hurts. I really think I have reached breaking point.
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((((((((Bip)))))))))) Did your mom say why she hasn't picked up your script yet? Be safe.
ReplyDeleteShe forgot. She was in the town where it is but she forgot to pick it up, and then didn't want to go back there to get it. She has said she will pick it up tomorrow when she is going there anyway.
ReplyDeleteYou've done so well to come this far when you are feeling so bad. Just keep doing what you are doing and hopefully some time soon you will see some relief. Stay safe. xx
ReplyDeleteBip I'm sorry to hear you're still feeling so bad. Could you not ask your GP to put your Zopiclone on daily dispensing or just to give you 2 at a time or something so that there is no risk of you overdosing but that you can pick up your own prescriptions?
ReplyDeleteJust a thought, but maybe it is time to ask L about starting to do some "structured" work rather than just chats about how you feel etc. I'm finding it to be quite focusing now I have started work and have a plan, it gives me hope for the future and over time will hopefully enable me to be able to recognise mood changes, patterns of behaviour, how to solve and deal with problems in my life, coping strategies for my anxiety and so much more.
I think you can only go for so long feeling rock bottom before you have to try and look for a way forward in the form of a plan because the only other option is continuing to feel like shit and contemplating ending it all. I guess I just decided deep down that if I really did want to die then ultimately it will happen, but for now I have nothing else to lose so I might as well try turning it into something positive, and maybe, just maybe get my life back.
Sending hugs xx