Sunday, 16 May 2010
I am not feeling good. I am really down about my weight again. I have gained 2lbs this week. My weight has been high, but stable for quite a few weeks now, and so having suddenly gained another 2lbs is really upsetting me. I know I will never be happy with my weight, but I was considerably happier before gaining 25lbs. I don't even know why I have gained this week. I haven't eaten any more than I did last week for example. I know it is only 2lbs, but it all adds up and I just feel so enormous at the moment. I need to start restricting again. I know I shouldn't aim to do that, but it is the only way I can lose weight, and I really really need to lose weight because I just get too upset by my body as it is now. It just adds to the suicidal thoughts - my immediate reaction when I weighed myself this morning was that I wanted to kill myself. Of course that is a fairly common thought with how I have been feeling lately, but the last thing I need when I am feeling this bad is for my weight to be going up and giving me another reason to kill myself. I might start keeping a food diary again. I always find that writing down what I am eating makes me think more about what I eat, and whether I want it enough to write it down, particularly if someone else will be seeing it.