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Sunday, 16 May 2010
I am not feeling good. I am really down about my weight again. I have gained 2lbs this week. My weight has been high, but stable for quite a few weeks now, and so having suddenly gained another 2lbs is really upsetting me. I know I will never be happy with my weight, but I was considerably happier before gaining 25lbs. I don't even know why I have gained this week. I haven't eaten any more than I did last week for example. I know it is only 2lbs, but it all adds up and I just feel so enormous at the moment. I need to start restricting again. I know I shouldn't aim to do that, but it is the only way I can lose weight, and I really really need to lose weight because I just get too upset by my body as it is now. It just adds to the suicidal thoughts - my immediate reaction when I weighed myself this morning was that I wanted to kill myself. Of course that is a fairly common thought with how I have been feeling lately, but the last thing I need when I am feeling this bad is for my weight to be going up and giving me another reason to kill myself. I might start keeping a food diary again. I always find that writing down what I am eating makes me think more about what I eat, and whether I want it enough to write it down, particularly if someone else will be seeing it.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
If you know me in real life, then please respect my wish for anonymity here.
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