It turned out ok today in the end! Somehow L managed to find time to come out and see me this afternoon - I have no idea how, as she is only working 2 days this week, and I am seeing her wednesday already, so I suppose someone must have cancelled or something. So that was good. And unexpected, as I had thought I was going to have to wait until wednesday. L is great. I feel so lucky to have her.
I got a bit worked up earlier this evening. I had decided to go to an audition tonight, and I couldn't find anything to wear - virtually all of my clothes are too small for me, and today was the first day I had to find proper summer type clothes to wear, and I just couldn't find anything that a) still fitted, and b) didn't make me feel enormous. I ended up getting out loads of clothes and discarding them as they made me feel shit. It was particularly difficult because it needed to be something I could dance in, which ruled out a couple of dresses that might have felt okish. So then I got very upset about my body and weight, and just felt disgusted with myself. In the end I found a top/dress and some leggings and wore those, but I wasn't happy, because the leggings were a bit small, and I just felt crap about myself. And all the dithering over what to wear made me 20 minutes late for my ballet class, which I was going to before the audition. So then ballet wasn't fantastic because I didn't get a proper warm up (although the weather being so hot made me loose pretty quickly). But barre is my favourite part of ballet class - it is the time that I take to try and unwind and relax a bit. Plies are always a good way of getting rid of tension. But I missed virtually all of the barre work. I would have much rather missed the last 20 minutes of class - the last 25 mins were pointe work, which is my least favourite thing - 25 minutes of pointe work is 25 minutes too many for me! Then I dithered a bit more about what to wear to the audition, as I had taken 2 tops with me and couldn't decide between them.
Then I went to the audition. It was for a musical, but the part I was going for was an acting and dance part, with no solo songs, so I had been told the audition was just a few pages of script, and then a group dance thing. All of the other girls auditioning for the part had got the script last week at the sing through, but I didn't go to that because I already know the music and wasn't going for a singing part anyway. But that did mean I only got a chance to skim read through the dialogue once before going in and doing my audition. It went fine though - I am pretty happy with sight reading, and I do consider acting to be my strength where performing is concerned. But of course I have no idea how good the other girls were. It was quite funny how nervous they were though. At least 2 of them were physically shaking, and we were only reading/acting a bit of dialogue. I didn't feel at all nervous - I don't know if it is just because I have done so many auditions, or if I never got nervous like that, I can't remember. The dance part was easy. It was only 8 bars, and they were all steps I am perfectly happy with, so that was fine. Then they got us to sing. Which I wasn't expecting. Because they had said we didn't have to sing. We only had to sing as a group, but my voice was just cracking the whole time. With the voice problems I am having I can just away get away with singing if I am well warmed up, although it still isn't good, but I hadn't done anything of a warm up at all since I wasn't expecting to sing, so my voice was just awful, and I felt really embarrassed. But it was fine. I am not desperate for the part or anything, and I said that I didn't want to be considered for chorus, as I have done chorus for that show before, and I don't particularly like doing the same part in the same show. I have another audition tomorrow, for a different show. There is a part in that I would love, but I know I won't get, as I am too young really, and I know who will get it. But I will audition for it anyway. I might do chorus in that show if I don't get the part I auditioned for today, as it isn't a show I have done before. But the choreographer is shit, which puts me off rather. So I might not do either. I don't know. I am going to do The Tempest though. The read through for that was also tonight, but I called the director earlier and said that I wasn't going to be able to make it, but that I was interested, and he said that he was planning to cast me as Miranda, although of course someone else may have turned up tonight that he wanted more, but he seemed pretty sure, and said he would let me know when he had cast it and send through a rehearsal schedule etc.
I am not really sure how I feel about everything. I am slightly concerned I am taking on too much, and that I will just end up feeling shit and not wanting to do any of it. It is also not ideal that I always crash mood wise in late June. I don't really know why, but it always happens. Early summer is always a bad time for me. I think it is partly because my birthday is at the beginning of July, and I get very stressed about that - it always feels to me like yet another year that I have fucked up, and I then tend to get very suicidal because I decide I don't want another year. So if I am doing lots of rehearsals etc around that period then it could be difficult. I don't want to let people down. I am wondering if I shouldn't have said I would do the Shakespeare. The performances are the last week of July, and I am often bad for most or all of July. I feel so confused. I try and do things because I know I should and it is good for me to get out etc, but I do end up stressing myself out more, so I don't actually know whether it does more good or bad.
I have my ENT appointment on friday, which I am absolutely dreading. Last time I saw them they put a tube with a camera on it down my nose and it was bloody agony, despite sniffing some local anaesthetic first. Apparently I have a difficult nose to get a tube down. So that is something to look forward to. I am so bad with pain, and so squeamish. Just thinking about it is freaking me out. I think I will have a few Diazepam first to try and relax myself a little bit, but I can't see it making much difference. Eeek!
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago