I am finding it harder and harder to cope with my body. Getting dressed was as much of a nightmare today as it was yesterday. I spent ages trying on clothes and then getting distressed because of them either not fitting, or because of how I looked in them. I got quite upset about it all again. Everything except my pyjamas upsets me - I feel relatively comfortable in them because they are loose and so I am not too conscious of my body when I am wearing them. And nobody will see me. Getting dressed means going out, and going out means seeing people, and seeing people means them seeing me and how hideous I look. I hate myself so much. Looking at my body absolutely repulses me. It makes me feel sick. I just want to cut massive slices off my body. I need to be thinner, and I am just not losing weight. Today I weighed the same as I weighed last thursday, and I am still not down to what I was before I ate so much on saturday. That is shit. I just feel so desperate.
I was really stupid last night. I compared measurements with a friend. I know she is much thinner than me, but I was also comparing my measurements from last year when I was at a lower weight. It is my hips and thighs that upset me most. Even though my waist last year was smaller than hers is, my hips were still 2 or 3 inches bigger, and my thighs were bigger too. At the moment my hips are 6 inches bigger than hers. That is a lot. I actually can't believe how big my hips are now. I just should not have started comparing with her. It was such a bloody stupid thing to do. I knew it would upset me and it did.
I also get annoyed with my mum. When I get upset about my weight and can't find anything to wear my mum says stupid things like 'well you don't look like you have gained weight' which is just bloody ridiculous and pisses me off, because I am 4 BMI points higher, and lots of weight more, and 3 inches or so bigger round my waist and hips. So I clearly look like I have gained weight. And I fucking hate being patronised. She keeps suggesting I wear clothes that I have that are 2 sizes too small for me. And then she says I don't look like I have gained weight. It is just so fucking absurd. I just hate this so much. Even just thinking about it like this is making me cry.
I am still eating too much. I have eaten way too much today. Over 1000kcals. I just don't seem to have any self control whatsoever. I really just can't cope with being this big, and yet I can't lose weight. It is just another thing making me not want to live. It sounds so superficial and melodramatic, but I really can't live at this weight, and with this body. I don't know what to do.
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It's not superficial to be upset at your weight, I feel the same way. It's like I've already messed up so much of my life, weight is just another thing that I've failed at.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can also relate to hating the weight gain, yet being unable to stop yourself from eating. Over 1000 cals is not over eating though, about 2000 cals should be consumed each day, though it vaires with height and gender. Even though I am still at what would be a normal BMI, and so are you, I know it's hard when you used to weigh less and you miss being that size. It is hard to accept that being a normal BMI is okay, it's good, it's healthy but it's the truth, I guess we need to learn to be okay with that.
Take care,
Cassie x
Maybe your mum isn't lying to you. When I gained weight lots of people said they didn't notice it, and only noticed after I had lost the weight again. And even if she is fibbing, it sounds to me like she's trying to help, trying to make you feel better, but not knowing how.
ReplyDelete*Hugs*
You are not eating too much at 1000 calories. You are not eating enough. It is worth considering that sometimes restriction can actually discourage weightloss because your body clings on to all the calories it can get.
ReplyDeleteYou do not need to lose weight though. You are physically healthy at the moment and that is the most important thing.
I understand the thought processes are squiffy here though, so I know saying that doesn't help you see that. I still think it needs to be said though.
Karita is right about your mum too. It is often hard to see when someone has put on weight, especially if they see you every day. It works the same the other way too. I've lost a bit of weight lately but my bloke didn't notice. My psych certainly did though as she hadn't seen me for a few weeks.
I don't really know what else to say. x
Thanks. I know that technically 1000kcals isn't enough but my metabolism is just so messed up. I gained 25lbs, and I wasn't eating over 2000kcals - I would say an average day was maybe 1500kcals. The only way I can lose weight is by eating less than about 700kcals - more than that and I maintain or gain. When I was in hospital, 4 years or so back, I was put on their eating disorder programme. My BMI was 18.5 so I was supposedly supposed to maintain - I was on a 2000kcals a day mealplan, and I gained about 15lbs in 1 month. So clearly my body just doesn't have that type of metabolism.
ReplyDeleteI know my mum isn't trying to upset me. But it is such a significant ammount of weight that I have gained, that it is impossible for her to have not noticed it. It isn't just a few lbs - it is a lot. And I know she has noticed really, because she will say I was too thin last summer etc, and then when I am upset about my weight she says I look the same. Which then upsets me because I know she is lying. I know she is trying to make me feel better, but I just find it patronising.
I know you are right and that being physically healthy is important, but at the moment it is making me more depressed, and that is something I just can't cope with at the moment. I just don't know what to do about it.
xxx