I am finding it harder and harder to cope with my body. Getting dressed was as much of a nightmare today as it was yesterday. I spent ages trying on clothes and then getting distressed because of them either not fitting, or because of how I looked in them. I got quite upset about it all again. Everything except my pyjamas upsets me - I feel relatively comfortable in them because they are loose and so I am not too conscious of my body when I am wearing them. And nobody will see me. Getting dressed means going out, and going out means seeing people, and seeing people means them seeing me and how hideous I look. I hate myself so much. Looking at my body absolutely repulses me. It makes me feel sick. I just want to cut massive slices off my body. I need to be thinner, and I am just not losing weight. Today I weighed the same as I weighed last thursday, and I am still not down to what I was before I ate so much on saturday. That is shit. I just feel so desperate.
I was really stupid last night. I compared measurements with a friend. I know she is much thinner than me, but I was also comparing my measurements from last year when I was at a lower weight. It is my hips and thighs that upset me most. Even though my waist last year was smaller than hers is, my hips were still 2 or 3 inches bigger, and my thighs were bigger too. At the moment my hips are 6 inches bigger than hers. That is a lot. I actually can't believe how big my hips are now. I just should not have started comparing with her. It was such a bloody stupid thing to do. I knew it would upset me and it did.
I also get annoyed with my mum. When I get upset about my weight and can't find anything to wear my mum says stupid things like 'well you don't look like you have gained weight' which is just bloody ridiculous and pisses me off, because I am 4 BMI points higher, and lots of weight more, and 3 inches or so bigger round my waist and hips. So I clearly look like I have gained weight. And I fucking hate being patronised. She keeps suggesting I wear clothes that I have that are 2 sizes too small for me. And then she says I don't look like I have gained weight. It is just so fucking absurd. I just hate this so much. Even just thinking about it like this is making me cry.
I am still eating too much. I have eaten way too much today. Over 1000kcals. I just don't seem to have any self control whatsoever. I really just can't cope with being this big, and yet I can't lose weight. It is just another thing making me not want to live. It sounds so superficial and melodramatic, but I really can't live at this weight, and with this body. I don't know what to do.
Will I make it through?
6 days ago