Delusional

Not me. My mum is bringing my granddad to stay. He has been getting increasingly delusional lately. Yesterday early morning he climbed out of his bedroom window because he said he had been held hostage in his house all night and so that was the only way out. He also keeps losing his keys, which he attributes to someone coming into the house in the middle of the night and taking them. When my aunt went to see him the other day she had been with him all day, but he seemingly didn't actually know who she was, as when she mentioned having sent something to him he said 'You didn't send that - J did!' She said that she was J, and he said 'Rubbish - J is my daughter!'. He refused to believe that she was his daughter. Someone from an older people's mental health team went out to assess him the other day, and is arranging for him to have someone come in 3 times a day to make sure he is taking his tablets, and to help him get a meal etc, but that hasn't started yet. They have also taken samples to check whether it is an infection or something causing it or not. The police ended up being involved after the climbing out of the window debacle of yesterday, and so someone else was sent out to assess him for respite care, but nothing was done. The trouble is, when he is lucid he seems fine. Then my mum spoke to him this morning and the keys had disappeared again (stolen in the night apparently) and therefore he was locked in the house. So she decided he would have to come and stay with us until the carers visiting was arranged. Of course she had to get into his house by climbing through a window due to the missing keys... I did mention to my dad that I hoped he wouldn't misplace our keys and make us all use a window as a door, but he pointed out that we never know where our keys are anyway, so it wouldn't make much difference. But the next few days could be fun and games.

I don't know?

I had my evil ENT appointment earlier. I did have to have the horrible tube with a camera down my nose/throat again, which was hideous again. My nose is apparently very narrow at the back, which makes it more painful. When it is actually down there it isn't too bad, but getting it in is bloody painful, even though you have some squirts of this numbing stuff first. But the doctor was very nice and friendly and understanding (and quite cute actually!) and did apologise whilst doing it - he said he always feels like he is torturing people when he does it! So yes, it hurt, but at least it is out of the way. Although my nose still hurts, and my eye on that side feels weird too. As I expected, nothing has changed since the last time I had it done, but I had to see ENT again before the voice therapy people would see me. Basically my vocal cords aren't meeting properly, and are bowing, and he said they should be able to give me exercised to do that will strengthen the muscles and get them back to normal. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long to see them, but who knows with the NHS!

I have heard about the auditions. I was offered the part I auditioned for on monday, which is quite nice, as although it isn't an enormous part, it is quite a nice part, and quite a few girls were auditioning for it, and I have never done anything with that group before, so it was nice to be cast. Amateur groups are oftten pretty cliquey and give the parts to people who have done lots of shows with them before etc, so it is nice to have found a group that just give the parts to the best people auditioninng, rather than the ones who have done most shows, or whose mother is on the audition panel or something! I didn't get the part I wanted in the other show, which is a shame, because I would rather have done that part (bigger part, and a really great comedy role), but on the other hand it is probably as well, because I had told the first group that I wasn't interested in being in the ensemble, and that I would only do it if I got the part, so it then wouldn't have looked very good if I had then turned down the part after getting it! The thing that frustrates me about the part that I didn't get though, is that I should have got it. The reason I didn't was because they didn't have a good enough guy of a suitable age to play opposite me, so they had to cast a much older guy, who was then too old for me to play opposite, and so they then had to cast an older female. So that was frustrating, because the director told me that I would have had the part if they had had a guy to play against me. But never mind. These things happen. It gives me a chance to do a show with a new group and meet new people etc, and that is always a good thing. I am a bit concerned I have taken on too much though... I wasn't actually expecting to get the part I went for in either show, and I have already said I will do Miranda in The Tempest, so I now have that (on in the last week of July), my ballet classes 2 nights a week, also until late July (summer holiday then), and now the musical (not on until October, but rehearsals start next week). That basically means I will end up being out pretty much every night, as well as having lots of lines to learn. Oh, and I also have to do 1 more performance of the play that I was in a few weeks ago, as it is entered in a drama festival. Luckily I will only have 1 rehearsal for that, just to check we all still know what we are doing, and then the performance, but it is another committment, although it will be over in 2 weeks. I have to admit that I am feeling slightly pressured and stressed, and wondering if I shouldn't have tried to do so much, but I suppose I will just have to see how it goes. I am never sure whether committments are a good thing for me or not. I often end up resenting them, and getting very stressed out by them, but on the other hand they sometimes keep me going, because once I have committed to something I really try hard to see it through, particularly if it is something that would mean letting other people down. I guess I will just have to see how it all goes, and if I have a really bad patch or everything is getting too much for me then I will have to try and find a way to cut down on things or make it more manageable.

I wish I could feel happy or enthusiastic about things. Despite having all this stuff going on, I still just have constant thoughts about killing myself. I don't feel like I am at a high risk of acting on it or anything. But the thoughts are still there all the time. That I don't want to be alive. That I want to die. That nothing is worth it. That things will never change. That everyone would be better off without me. That I should have killed myself years ago.

My Friends

I didn't self harm yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn't because I decided against it, but because my blades appear to have disappeared off the face of the planet. Well either that or my mum came across them at some point and took them without saying anything. That is possibly more likely than them disappearing by themselves. But it pissed me off. I searched for them really thoroughly, but they really aren't anywhere. I was pissed off and tried briefly to cut with something else, but I only like my blades - nothing else cuts it (excuse the pun!). They were special blades, for craft or something - they looked like double edged mens razor blades (except without the funny cut out bit in the middle), but with only one side, which made it easier, as I know I would end up slicing my fingers if I attempted to use double edged blades. They were perfect. I am very sad they have disappeared. I know I rarely used them, but I need them to be there when I do want them, and now I know that they aren't I desperately feel a need to replace them. The problem is the place I got them from no longer seems to have them, and I am not sure where I can get a good replacement. I am scouring Amazon.

I went to the theatre earlier, to see a play about BPD. It was interesting. Some bits were quite difficult to watch because it felt a bit close to home, but some bits I wasn't sure about - it sometimes seemed like it was more about a psychotic illness, and although I know that some people with BPD may hear voices or see things, it isn't really a typical feature. It was interesting to watch though. I went with my friend who I have mentioned before, who is under the same CMHT as me, and it was quite funny because the majority of the CMHT were also in the audience (including L), which was just a bit weird. It is strange seeing people out of context like that, although I did know that some of them would be there, as L had already told me that she was going. There was a Q&A session afterwards, with the cast, a psychologist who had been involved in it, and the playwright/director. Some people asked some quite interesting questions. Overall it was quite an interesting evening. I may write more about it tomorrow when I have had more time to process it all.

I have my ENT appointment tomorrow for my voice. I really am dreading it! I am just such a wuss, and so squeamish, and I don't want a stupid bloody tube stuck down my nose. I know I won't be able to sleep properly for stressing about it. I just need to keep thinking that this is something I have to do to get my voice sorted out, so I can sing properly again. Gahhh!

Oh, and in good news, my weight is down a bit. Not much, I have only lost a few lbs, but I have now managed to get past last saturday - my weight is now 0.2lbs lower than it was last saturday, which means it has taken 4 days to lose 1.2lbs, which is pretty slow going, but I am trying to look on the positive side. And really hope it keeps going down. Even thought it frustrates me when it goes down so slowly, it still makes me feel like I am achieving something when I am losing weight, and I need that feeling of achievement at the moment.

Oh, and for anyone wondering how on earth the title relates to the rest of my post, in Sweeney Todd, but the genius Stephen Sondheim, Sweeney sings a song called My Friends to his razors. It is a beautiful song, I recommend you listen to it. But not the Johnny Depp version. Johnny Depp is gorgeous and sexy, but he can't sing Sondheim like George Hearn can!

Cancelled again

I should be seeing L at the moment, but 5 minutes after she was due to arrive the receptionist rung and said she had been called out on an emergency assessment and wouldn't be able to see me today. I feel really shit. I shouldn't be this upset. I know sometimes things like this happen, and it isn't her fault. And I did see her on monday in the end. But I just do feel really upset. And actually quite pissed off. Which is completely unreasonable because it isn't her fault. I think maybe it was partly because she didn't tell me herself - usually if she can't make an appointment she rings me herself, or texts me. The receptionist does not usually ring and tell me. Even if she can't make it because she is off sick she usually texts me herself. I think being called by the receptionist and told she can't see me today and that she will see me next tuesday as planned just made me feel even more crap and unimportant. Plus I know she won't be in the rest of this week, so I know there is no chance of seeing her some other time to make up for it or anything. I don't know. I know I am being unreasonable and overreacting but I just feel really awful. My initial instinct was to self harm. I don't know why. I very rarely self harm. It must be 9 months or so since I last did. So why do I want to so much now? And that I want to pisses me off because it is such a bloody textbook borderline reaction - feel abandoned? Self harm. I don't know why I am being so bloody irrational today. I know they have emergencies. I know she couldn't help it. And yet I am taking it really personally.

More weight stuff

I am finding it harder and harder to cope with my body. Getting dressed was as much of a nightmare today as it was yesterday. I spent ages trying on clothes and then getting distressed because of them either not fitting, or because of how I looked in them. I got quite upset about it all again. Everything except my pyjamas upsets me - I feel relatively comfortable in them because they are loose and so I am not too conscious of my body when I am wearing them. And nobody will see me. Getting dressed means going out, and going out means seeing people, and seeing people means them seeing me and how hideous I look. I hate myself so much. Looking at my body absolutely repulses me. It makes me feel sick. I just want to cut massive slices off my body. I need to be thinner, and I am just not losing weight. Today I weighed the same as I weighed last thursday, and I am still not down to what I was before I ate so much on saturday. That is shit. I just feel so desperate.

I was really stupid last night. I compared measurements with a friend. I know she is much thinner than me, but I was also comparing my measurements from last year when I was at a lower weight. It is my hips and thighs that upset me most. Even though my waist last year was smaller than hers is, my hips were still 2 or 3 inches bigger, and my thighs were bigger too. At the moment my hips are 6 inches bigger than hers. That is a lot. I actually can't believe how big my hips are now. I just should not have started comparing with her. It was such a bloody stupid thing to do. I knew it would upset me and it did.

I also get annoyed with my mum. When I get upset about my weight and can't find anything to wear my mum says stupid things like 'well you don't look like you have gained weight' which is just bloody ridiculous and pisses me off, because I am 4 BMI points higher, and lots of weight more, and 3 inches or so bigger round my waist and hips. So I clearly look like I have gained weight. And I fucking hate being patronised. She keeps suggesting I wear clothes that I have that are 2 sizes too small for me. And then she says I don't look like I have gained weight. It is just so fucking absurd. I just hate this so much. Even just thinking about it like this is making me cry.

I am still eating too much. I have eaten way too much today. Over 1000kcals. I just don't seem to have any self control whatsoever. I really just can't cope with being this big, and yet I can't lose weight. It is just another thing making me not want to live. It sounds so superficial and melodramatic, but I really can't live at this weight, and with this body. I don't know what to do.

Auditions

It turned out ok today in the end! Somehow L managed to find time to come out and see me this afternoon - I have no idea how, as she is only working 2 days this week, and I am seeing her wednesday already, so I suppose someone must have cancelled or something. So that was good. And unexpected, as I had thought I was going to have to wait until wednesday. L is great. I feel so lucky to have her.

I got a bit worked up earlier this evening. I had decided to go to an audition tonight, and I couldn't find anything to wear - virtually all of my clothes are too small for me, and today was the first day I had to find proper summer type clothes to wear, and I just couldn't find anything that a) still fitted, and b) didn't make me feel enormous. I ended up getting out loads of clothes and discarding them as they made me feel shit. It was particularly difficult because it needed to be something I could dance in, which ruled out a couple of dresses that might have felt okish. So then I got very upset about my body and weight, and just felt disgusted with myself. In the end I found a top/dress and some leggings and wore those, but I wasn't happy, because the leggings were a bit small, and I just felt crap about myself. And all the dithering over what to wear made me 20 minutes late for my ballet class, which I was going to before the audition. So then ballet wasn't fantastic because I didn't get a proper warm up (although the weather being so hot made me loose pretty quickly). But barre is my favourite part of ballet class - it is the time that I take to try and unwind and relax a bit. Plies are always a good way of getting rid of tension. But I missed virtually all of the barre work. I would have much rather missed the last 20 minutes of class - the last 25 mins were pointe work, which is my least favourite thing - 25 minutes of pointe work is 25 minutes too many for me! Then I dithered a bit more about what to wear to the audition, as I had taken 2 tops with me and couldn't decide between them.

Then I went to the audition. It was for a musical, but the part I was going for was an acting and dance part, with no solo songs, so I had been told the audition was just a few pages of script, and then a group dance thing. All of the other girls auditioning for the part had got the script last week at the sing through, but I didn't go to that because I already know the music and wasn't going for a singing part anyway. But that did mean I only got a chance to skim read through the dialogue once before going in and doing my audition. It went fine though - I am pretty happy with sight reading, and I do consider acting to be my strength where performing is concerned. But of course I have no idea how good the other girls were. It was quite funny how nervous they were though. At least 2 of them were physically shaking, and we were only reading/acting a bit of dialogue. I didn't feel at all nervous - I don't know if it is just because I have done so many auditions, or if I never got nervous like that, I can't remember. The dance part was easy. It was only 8 bars, and they were all steps I am perfectly happy with, so that was fine. Then they got us to sing. Which I wasn't expecting. Because they had said we didn't have to sing. We only had to sing as a group, but my voice was just cracking the whole time. With the voice problems I am having I can just away get away with singing if I am well warmed up, although it still isn't good, but I hadn't done anything of a warm up at all since I wasn't expecting to sing, so my voice was just awful, and I felt really embarrassed. But it was fine. I am not desperate for the part or anything, and I said that I didn't want to be considered for chorus, as I have done chorus for that show before, and I don't particularly like doing the same part in the same show. I have another audition tomorrow, for a different show. There is a part in that I would love, but I know I won't get, as I am too young really, and I know who will get it. But I will audition for it anyway. I might do chorus in that show if I don't get the part I auditioned for today, as it isn't a show I have done before. But the choreographer is shit, which puts me off rather. So I might not do either. I don't know. I am going to do The Tempest though. The read through for that was also tonight, but I called the director earlier and said that I wasn't going to be able to make it, but that I was interested, and he said that he was planning to cast me as Miranda, although of course someone else may have turned up tonight that he wanted more, but he seemed pretty sure, and said he would let me know when he had cast it and send through a rehearsal schedule etc.

I am not really sure how I feel about everything. I am slightly concerned I am taking on too much, and that I will just end up feeling shit and not wanting to do any of it. It is also not ideal that I always crash mood wise in late June. I don't really know why, but it always happens. Early summer is always a bad time for me. I think it is partly because my birthday is at the beginning of July, and I get very stressed about that - it always feels to me like yet another year that I have fucked up, and I then tend to get very suicidal because I decide I don't want another year. So if I am doing lots of rehearsals etc around that period then it could be difficult. I don't want to let people down. I am wondering if I shouldn't have said I would do the Shakespeare. The performances are the last week of July, and I am often bad for most or all of July. I feel so confused. I try and do things because I know I should and it is good for me to get out etc, but I do end up stressing myself out more, so I don't actually know whether it does more good or bad.

I have my ENT appointment on friday, which I am absolutely dreading. Last time I saw them they put a tube with a camera on it down my nose and it was bloody agony, despite sniffing some local anaesthetic first. Apparently I have a difficult nose to get a tube down. So that is something to look forward to. I am so bad with pain, and so squeamish. Just thinking about it is freaking me out. I think I will have a few Diazepam first to try and relax myself a little bit, but I can't see it making much difference. Eeek!

The best laid plans

Why do things always go wrong? I was meant to be seeing L at 10 this morning. I got up early (for me) and got dressed and waited. It was getting later and I thought it was strange because she is usually on time. At quarter past I got a text from her asking if I was running late, as my appointment was at 10. I called her and said I thought she was coming here, and she had thought I was going there. I had no way of getting there, and it was too late for her to come out, because she was seeing someone else at 11:15. So we have had to leave it. My usual day for seeing her is tuesday, and I go there. Then lately I have been seeing her thursdays as well, and on thursday she comes here. This week she isn't in tuesday or thursday, so she said she would see me monday and wednesday instead. But I can't get there any day except tuesday and friday, because my mum works, so I thought she was coming here, but she had forgotten. So I am seeing her wednesday as planned, and she is coming here, but I will have only been able to see her once this week, rather than twice like I am supposed to be. And I only got to see her once last week as well, because she had to cancel thursday as she wasn't in work. It sounds pathetic but I am really upset. When I was on the phone I had to try really hard to stop myself from crying, and as soon as I put the phone down I burst into tears. It feels like ages since I have seen her, even though actually it was only last tuesday. Plus seeing her twice a week was only going to happen for 4 weeks, and now it won't have happened for 2 of those weeks. And I am exhausted because I couldn't get to sleep last night, so I only had about 5 hours sleep and then had to get up for an appointment that didn't happen, and I probably won't be able to get back to sleep now. So all in all I feel pretty crap. I know it is nobody's fault - it was just a miscommunication. I should have checked what was happening, but I thought that when she had changed the days for this week I had said that I wouldn't be able to get there on those days. I am pissed off with myself.

Rollercoaster day

This is ridiculous. My moods are so all over the place. Earlier on today I was really hyper - I was bouncing around and giggling, and generally being a pain in the arse and irritating my parents. Tonight I have been crying hysterically. I think my weird hyper mood started last night. I woke my dad up in the middle of the night because I was laughing my head off. He was fairly unimpressed. And then when I woke up today I was still in a weird mood. That probably lasted until early evening, and then my mood started to dip. I think it was largely because my mum had a friend over, which was fine in itself, but because of that dinner was weird - there was just all kind of nibbly foods all over the table when I went downstairs, like slices of pizza, and french bread, and lots of stuff I ignored because I don't like it, and lettuce, and cheese etc. Food being unstructured like that bothers me. I had some food, and then we took the dogs out for a walk (she had brought her dog over), and then when we got back there were little chocolate eclairs for dessert, and then later in the evening my mum got out cheese and crackers and crisps. By that time I thought fuck it, I have already ruined the day, so proceeded to have another slice of pizza, and a cracker with some cheese, and tonnes of crisps. And then I felt full and sick, and desperately wanted to purge, but couldn't. And then I just snapped. I burst into tears and lay on the floor crying totally hysterically, and just got more and more upset and told my mum that I hated myself and I was greedy and disgusting and I wanted to die. Way to spoil the evening for everyone. That was about an hour and a half ago now, and I have been crying most of the time since. I feel like absolute shit and I desperately want to hurt myself. I want to kill myself really, but if I am not going to do that I feel like I need to punish myself in some way for being such a disgusting pig. My dad kept telling me I was supposed to be on a diet, but I still kept eating. And now I will have gained a tonne of weight tomorrow and I can't fucking cope with that. My parents tried to tell me that everyone has days where they eat too much, and they just eat less the next day, but all I could think is that I have spent all bloody week desperately trying to lose weight, and now I have fucked up the whole thing by being so bloody weak and pathetic today. I just hate myself so much. I really want to cut, but my mum will be angry with me if she notices, and she is sure to notice at some point. I just feel so broken. I hate that food can have such control over me - that eating too much is enough to make me want to die. But it is. I just feel so terrible now. I hate myself so much. Everything feels so hard at the moment. It is like I am walking along a tightrope, and it is scarily easy to lose my balance and go plummeting down.

Hmm

I am having a kind of weird day. I just don't know what to do with myself. In a way this is a good thing, because it shows I am less depressed, because when things are at their worst I don't have to think of anything to do, because I just spend hours staring at the wall or ceiling and time just goes like that. But things also aren't good enough for me to be able to do anything really either. I can't concentrate on anything, so I just kind of flit from one thing to another, and not really knowing what to do with myself. It is a bit like being in limbo. I want to be able to read again. I miss reading. But I just can't concentrate. I might try and start reading childrens books - I often find that is the best way to get back into reading when I have been through a particularly bad patch. I ended up reading loads on Enid Blyton books last year - the ones I was reading to myself by the time I was about 5 ( I read proper books from a very young age - I skipped all the reading scheme books really as I could read before I went to school), like the Faraway Tree books and the Five Findouters. After a while of reading children's books I was able to get back into adult books. Nothing too complicated - lots of thrillers etc, that were fast paced enough to keep my attention. So anyway, I might try children's books again. I have hundreds and hundreds of books, so I should be able to find something to read. When I have read some really simple books to get me started I might re-read the Harry Potter series. I haven't ready any of them for a couple of years - not since Deathly Hallows came out. I might re-read the whole series. But I think I need to read something even simpler first. I feel a bit stupid reading books that I read when I was 5, but it has helped me get back into reading in the past. Magazines are good too for that, but I don't often buy magazines.

Somehow, I had miraculously lost weight today. Not much, like half a pound, but I hadn't expected to after yesterday, so that was a nice suprise. I definitely won't have tomorrow though. And I always eat more at the weekends, because of having people around. I find it harder to not eat if other people are eating. I am eating some sweets (130kcals) at the moment. I feel a bit bad about that, but I wanted something, and even though they are sweets so have absolutely no nutritional benefits, at least they come in a packet so I know exactly what I am eating. And I have had 2 slices of bread (1 with marmite, 1 with peanut butter) and a chicken breast portion with some lettuce and cucumber. Again, I just have no idea how many calories that is. Chicken is pretty low in calories and fat, but I would only be able to make a rough guess, and the bread just confuses me really. Oh, and I also had an ice lolly - it was 100% pineapple juice though, so that isn't too bad. I like ice lollies because they are sweet, so they satisfy me when I want something sweet, but they never have any fat, and they are always pretty low in calories - the one I had today was 65kcals, and counts as one of my portions of fruit/veg for the day. Not that I ever have 5 portions of fruit/veg a day, but I quite like that an ice lolly counts as one.

I might try and go for a walk or something tomorrow as the weather is so nice. Well in reality I probably won't, because I don't like walking, but I feel like I should go outside for a while. Or at least open my curtains to let the sun in. I usually keep my curtains closed, I am not sure why really. It just feels cosy and safe or something. I can pretend the world isn't there if I am closed in my room.

Dammit

More food talk - again, may trigger

I have eaten too much food today. I will have gained weight tomorrow. I am freaking out a bit. I have just been really hungry. I had 2 slices of bread with peanut butter, some lettuce/cucumber/pepper with some grated cheese, an ice lolly, 3 squares of chocolate and a banana. That must be about 1000kcals. Maybe even more. I find it difficult to judge sometimes. That is why even though things like pizza are high calorie, in a way they are safer, because they say on the packet exactly what is in them. And lettuce and cucumber are ok, because they have virtually no calories. But things like bread and peanut butter? I just have to make a vague guesstimate, and that kind of freaks me out. And I don't know what the cheese weighed, so that is another guess. Maybe I should start only eating things that come in packets, so I know exactly what I am eating, and lettuce. Not things like bread, where you can never really know how many calories it is, because it all depends on how thick you cut the bread, and how much you put on it of whatever you put on bread. Although in my head foods are divided into 'good' and 'bad', and something like pizza or a chocolate bar would be bad, I am actually more comfortable with days like the other day when I had pizza, because I knew what was in it, than days like today when I had salad with a protein and just don't know what I have eaten. So I think maybe I am more bothered by knowing how many calories I had than what food it comes in. I am just really terrified about getting on the scales tomorrow and the number having gone up, when I just need it to go down so much. I hate myself for not having more willpower. When I went downstairs hungry at about 10 my dad said that I should have more willpower, and then I got a banana (because my mum said it would stop me being hungry) and a little bit of chocolate because I was craving it, and my dad said I shouldn't have chocolate on a diet. I am just so frustrated with myself. I don't know how I will ever lose weight, and I hate myself so much like this. Because it is so warm at the moment I have on little short PJs tonight, and I am just so self conscious of my thighs touching all the time, and how fat they are, and I just feel so horrible about myself.

So far today...

No weight loss, as expected. Clearly a slice of bread with peanut butter, and then a pasta dinner is too much for me to eat in a day and lose weight, even with dancing for an hour. Need to make today better. Except it is half 2, and I am already hungry. I just feel so uncomfortable with my body.

L had to cancel this morning. Hopefully I will be able to speak to her later. At least it allowed me to get some more sleep - it was around 6am when I got to sleep last night, so I would have only had about 3 hours sleep as she was due to be here at 10. I went back to sleep until about 1. I am still very tired, but not as tired as I would have been if I had been awake from half 9!

More food talk

I am so annoyed and frustrated with myself. It is quarter past 4, and I felt so hungry and weak that I had to eat something, so I just had a slice of bread and peanut butter. I feel so pathetic for doing that when I wasn't going to eat until dinner. We have no bloody lettuce so I can't even have salad for dinner, I will have to have a 'proper' meal. I had lost weight today and I need that to keep happening, and now I am scared I will end up gaining tomorrow. I just feel so useless.

I feel like I have eaten too much today. As I suspected earlier, I had to have a 'proper' meal due to the lack of salad, and I was also quite hungry despite the bread. So I had pasta and now I just feel like I have eaten way too much today. I suppose I did dance for an hour, which will hopefully have compensated somewhat, but it still feels too much. And even more annoyingly, I am still bloody hungry.

Today/Food/Sleep

One of my bags that I bought yesterday arrived today. I was impressed. I had bought it as a 'Buy it now' on ebay at about 3 o'clock yesterday afternoon, and it was here this morning. I am pleased with it. It is pretty and it is a suitable size. I do like bags.

I saw L this morning. That was fine. Seeing her at 10am on thursday. After I saw her today I met up with a friend and we just sat in Costa and chatted. She is under the same CMHT as me. Our mums work together, and she went to the same school as me, but was 4 years below me, so I didn't really know her then. We re-met last year when we were both doing an assertiveness and self esteem course. The course wasn't all that great, but we have stayed friendly since then and we sometimes meet up when I have been in town for appointments or something. Sometimes we go for several months without seeing each other, and then we see each other weekly or something for a while. Anyway, I guess it was nice to see her, and it is good for me to be out of the house for a reason other than an appointment or a dance class.

Food/calorie talk - please do not read if you find that sort of thing triggering.

I got a bit upset last night, as I made the mistake of measuring myself for the first time in a long time, and my measurements have just gone up so much. Of course I knew that anyway really since none of my clothes fit, but it was still really hard to see. It made me even more determined to lose weight. And then earlier today I got a bit upset because I tried on a jumper and decided I wasn't going to wear it because I felt like it made me look fat and my dad said that at least I was on a diet now. I know I bitch about my weight, but that doesn't mean I want other people to do it. He also called me lump the other day. Although I have gained a lot of weight, I am not technically overweight. My BMI is 21.3, and I am a UK size 8 - top half and 10 - bottom half (that is about US size 4 and 6 for any Americans reading).

I am still kind of on track weight wise. I had to weigh about 4 hours earlier today than I usually would (and yeah, 4 hours does make a difference) and I was still down 0.2lbs so yesterday wasn't a disaster. Today I had a 'proper' meal for dinner (half a pizza - 545kcals, and some lettuce), and then an ice lolly (61kcals), but I didn't eat anything else, so I stayed under about 650kcals despite having a high calorie food like pizza, so I am really hoping I will have lost tomorrow. I am quite hungry, but it will be worth it if my weight has gone down tomorrow, and the hunger will fade - I won't be hungry when I wake up tomorrow because I am never hungry when I first wake up, and then I will have a Diet Coke, and then I have ballet in the evening, so I will eat about 6ish. I don't know what I will have yet. I have generally found in the past that I can get around with 1 real meal a day if I don't eat anything else, or I can have 2 smaller things, like for example a slice of bread earlier in the day and then some salad in the evening, sometimes with another slice of bread if I am really hungry. Basically as long as I stay under about 700kcals it is ok. Fingers crossed for weight to be lower tomorrow. Thursday will be the hardest day, because I have to be up early because of L coming at 10, and the longer I am up in the day the harder it is to not overeat.

I think that is one of the reasons why my sleep pattern is screwy. There are lots of reasons why I am scared of being awake in the day. Some related to food, some not. The food related are a) being up more in the day means I am more likely to eat in the day, which means I am less likely to lose weight, and b) I only purge when I have the house to myself, which would be the daytime when my parents are at work, so if I am up in the day I am more likely to end up eating something and feeling guilty about it and purging, or deliberately eating things with the intention of purging them. Purging is not good. The other reason is if I am awake in the morning from when my mum goes out to work it is a really long day, and if I know I have a long time on my own then I find it really difficult to keep myself safe when I feel bad. So although I know my sleeping pattern is bad and messed up, there are reasons behind that. The problem is that I often find nights a difficult time when I am really struggling, as again, I know I would have a long time before anyone found me if I was to overdose. But there aren't the food problems at night, so it has to be slightly better? Neither are ideal I suppose. Nothing is.

And down again

I feel crap again. My good mood didn't last long. I was really quite hyper for a few hours. Not happy as such but lots of energy and very bouncy and giggly - one of the girls at ballet even commented on it. Then I just kind of gradually crashed back down. I kept looking at myself in the mirrors and I just couldn't believe how enormous I look. My tummy isn't even flat anymore, and that has never been a problem area for me. And then my thighs just completely repulse me. And we had someone new in the class, and that always throws me because it gives me yet another person to compare myself to. And she is thin. Which made me jealous. It wouldn't bother me if she was a better dancer than me, but it bothers me that she is thinner than me. And then when we were on the way home my mum gave me a tube of Rolos. Which I said I wouldn't eat because I am trying to lose weight. I really wanted them, but I didn't want them more than I want to lose weight, and I knew how bad it would make me feel after. But then that turned into a lecture about eating etc from her. I had dinner when I got home, and had a bowl of fruit and fibre before I danced, so I think I probably had about 1000kcals today. And then danced for 75mins. Really hope it is enough to have not gained tomorrow. Seeing L at 11 tomorrow, which means I really need to get to sleep earlier tonight, as I will have to get up in the morning. My sleep is so bad at the moment.

Weight and Shopping

I am in a good mood. My weight was down 2lbs today :D That is exciting. I don't give a shit if it is water weight gone or something, the number is down and that is all that matters. I have bought 2 bags to celebrate. I seem to be in a bit of a spending phase at the moment. I am usually very tight with money, and I have just spent £60 on bags and bought 3 CDs and a DVD. And a book. I like buying things. I want to buy more but I can't buy clothes until I lose weight and I am running out of other ideas. That is of course the advantage of bags. You don't have to try them on or worry about them not fitting. Which is excellent. I want my weight to go down again tomorrow. I am in a determined mood. Excellent. Although I do have ballet tonight, which means I will eat more because dancing makes me hungry. So that is a bit of a problem. I will have to eat something before I go because I haven't eaten yet today and I might pass out or something if I try to dance without eating first. But then I will have to eat when I get home. So that means eating twice. So my weight probably won't go down tomorrow, which will be very disappointing. As long as it doesn't go up it will be ok. Yes. Then down the next day. I like losing weight. It makes things feel better.

Weight

I am not feeling good. I am really down about my weight again. I have gained 2lbs this week. My weight has been high, but stable for quite a few weeks now, and so having suddenly gained another 2lbs is really upsetting me. I know I will never be happy with my weight, but I was considerably happier before gaining 25lbs. I don't even know why I have gained this week. I haven't eaten any more than I did last week for example. I know it is only 2lbs, but it all adds up and I just feel so enormous at the moment. I need to start restricting again. I know I shouldn't aim to do that, but it is the only way I can lose weight, and I really really need to lose weight because I just get too upset by my body as it is now. It just adds to the suicidal thoughts - my immediate reaction when I weighed myself this morning was that I wanted to kill myself. Of course that is a fairly common thought with how I have been feeling lately, but the last thing I need when I am feeling this bad is for my weight to be going up and giving me another reason to kill myself. I might start keeping a food diary again. I always find that writing down what I am eating makes me think more about what I eat, and whether I want it enough to write it down, particularly if someone else will be seeing it.

A

I am not feeling too great. It has been quite a tiring week really I suppose, and just quite hard to deal with. It has been tiring being out every night, and being around people. The play has been going alright I think. I have the last performance tonight. Got to leave for the theatre in half an hour, I really should be doing things like eating and showering and getting myself ready rather than sitting in bed writing this and watching Come Dine With Me. Ah well.

I don't think I have written on here before about one of my closest friends. We will call her A. I first met her about 6 or 7 years ago on an Eating Disorder support message board. We then started talking on MSN, and on the phone, and then met up, and she has come to stay with me several times. She lives a few hours drive away so I don't get to see her very often, but we have always talked a lot in between seeing each other etc. We are very similar. We have a very similar sense of humour (pretty black), and have always joked about how alike we are. She has pretty much the same diagnoses as me, and in terms of thoughts etc we have always been very similar. Behaviourally we are also fairly similar, although she has always self harmed more than me - I rarely self harm, whereas she does it quite a lot. We have always supported each other a lot and tried to be there when the other has been struggling.

A has spent the last 7 months in hospital on a section 3. I miss her. We still talk, but not as much as we used to. I have tried to be there for her as much as I can, but it is hard when I am struggling too. I think I have probably missed her support. It has also kind of scared me a bit. Like I said, we have always been very similar, and it scares me that she has been on a section for so long. Although I have been in hospital a couple of times it hasn't been on a section. I don't know - I suppose I just think that if it can happen to her than it could happen to me. I don't really understand why they have kept her there for so long. She has been struggling, but I don't really think more so than other times. Prior to this she had only ever had 1 week long voluntary crisis admissions, and then suddenly she has been on a section for 7 months.

They are looking into a theraputic community for her for when she leaves hospital. I shouldn't be jealous of that but I am. For several years now I have felt like that would be what would be most likely to help me. Probably partly because it seems to be about the only thing that I haven't tried. And partly because I feel like I would be able to move on more in a therapy sense if I was somewhere I felt safe rather than leaving sessions and going back home and having to cope with the suicidal thoughts on my own. I wish that a theraputic community was an option for me. A and I used to talk about how we thought that would be the most helpful thing for us. Now she is likely to be getting that, but no longer seems to want it. Which I can understand because I know she can't see things getting changing and she thinks she is never going to get better. I can relate to that. But I wish I could have the opportunity of going to a theraputic community for treatment. But I feel guilty because she has spent the last 7 months in hospital, and will probably be there for quite a while longer yet. And I am not jealous of that - I think that would be really difficult. But I am jealous that she is going to get the treatment I feel could help me but I can't have.

Edit - I just noticed that this was my 100th post!

Today

Today hasn't been too bad. L came to see me earlier. She wanted to go out somewhere, and suggested we either go to a coffee shop and chat, or go for a walk in the local country park as it was a nice day, and suggested we take the dog. Since the dog was standing there looking at me as though he knew every word L had just said I said we had better take him. Cue much jumping and bouncing (from the dog, not me), with L making him more and more excited!

We walked around the country park for an hour or so and chatted a bit generally, and a bit about what I had written, and did a lot of throwing a tennis ball for the dog! Oh and the dog was stupid enough to run at a swan, who then got very angry and started to walk after us and we thought it was going to start chasing us and L was rather scared! My dog is pretty dumb. He is a cross between two types of sheepdog, and yet he is terrified of sheep. Cows petrify him even more, and he thinks horses are fairly scary too. He is usually scared of swans too, but seemingly not today.

I had the first performance of the play tonight. It went ok. Don't think the audience knew quite how to take it - it is pretty weird. There were a couple of slight issues with props being set in the wrong place - for my main scene everything was slightly too far upstage left, which doesn't sound like a big deal, but it made manoevring around it a bit difficult, and it also meant the lighting was ever so slightly off because of us being further stage left than we should have been. Plus a chair somehow wasn't struck before the last scene that should have been, and it nearly made me corpse - little things like that can really throw you. But it all went ok really - no major problems.

I have been basically offered the part of Miranda in an open air production of The Tempest (ie would you be available for the Shakespeare - I was thinking of you for Miranda), which would start rehearsing at the beginning of June, and the performances would be at the end of July, in various open air. I am not really sure about it. It would be great to do a lead in a Shakespeare play, but I am concerned about line learning given my concentration at the moment, and also I know how I have felt about the play I am doing at the moment, and I don't want to commit myself to something else that will stress me, and have me at every rehearsal wishing I wasn't there. Plus of course I am still having such strong suicidal thoughts, and so thinking a couple of months ahead is really difficult. I know people will say to go for it and that it would be a good thing for me to do etc, but I also need to take into consideration how stressed I have been by this play, and this is just a 1 act play - not a full length Shakespeare. I have a week or 2 to think about it before the read through/auditions, after which it will be cast.

I saw 2 tiny fox cubs playing last night on the way home from the theatre, just down the road from my house. They were so sweet - I want one! And then tonight on the way home from the theatre we saw a mink. I have never seen a wild mink before I don't think.

I am tired. Even though I haven't been that busy, I have been doing a lot for me, and I do feel like it is affecting me. I don't know if I am finding things so hard because of how low I am feeling, or if doing more is making me more tired and therefore making me feel worse. I have been thinking more about going back on anti depressants. Even though I have always had really bad patches I think that this time I have been lower for longer, and I think things like my memory and concentration have been more affected than usual. It has been so many weeks since I have been able to read a book for example, and when things are better for me I read so much, and so fast. I can't read at all at the moment. I just don't have the concentration. My sleep is very bad, and I suspect that isn't helping either my mood or my concentration. Feeling so terrible about my weight isn't helping either. This is the heaviest I have been for over 4 years, and I desperately want to lose weight but it just isn't happening. I suppose there are lots of things contributing to how low I am feeling, but I don't know how to change any of them, which just leads straight back into the suicidal thoughts. All of the things I wrote about what being well would mean to me just seem like a complete impossibility. They aren't what I am hoping for, because I can't imagine them ever happening. But I don't know what I am hoping for. Living feeling like this really doesn't feel like a possibility for me anymore, and I just can't imagine how things could ever change.

Past vs. Future

When I saw L on tuesday she asked me to write about what being 'better'/well means to me, and what I would want from life if I didn't have mental health problems etc, ie how I would want my life to be if I recovered from this (she didn't say if - she said when, but to me it is a big if). I am finding it very difficult, I think largely because I find it so completely impossible to imagine. My adult life so far has been completely taken over by my mental health problems, and even before I was diagnosed as having Depression, and given medication etc, things were not right for quite a few years before that. I am not sure if they were ever right, I have a bad memory.

I do remember that even when I was very young, ie primary school age, I didn't fit in, and I was more comfortable in the company of adults than I was with other children. I had one best friend, who lived down the road from me but went to a different school, and I wasn't massively interested in having other friends. I was very jealous when she was spending time with her other friends from school etc - I didn't want to share her, I just wanted her to be my friend. I suppose I did have friends at school, and I did have friends round to play and went to theirs etc, but they weren't really close friends that I can remember. I was teased a lot at school, which turned into bullying when I was older, although only verbal - nothing physical. I am kind of side tracking here, but I suppose what I am trying to say is that there was always an element of not fitting in and of being different, and quite isolated, and then quite a lot happened around the time I was 10/11/12 - nothing really traumatic, but things that were big to me as a child. Within a couple of years my brother moved out, which I remember being very upset by, although I am not quite sure why as he must have been about 23 at the time, and I don't remember spending a lot of time with him prior to that or anything. My granddad died, who I was very close to. And my parents split up. I think it was also around that time that my relationship with my sister started going wrong. She had absolutely doted on me when I was little - she was almost like another mother, and she used to take me out a lot and buy me all sorts of things. Then suddenly (it seemed to me) she just kind of turned on me and started saying how spoilt I was, and just not being very nice to me. I probably was spoilt, but it was her who had been doing the spoiling - my parents didn't spoil me. Even the things I did hobby wise, like dancing, had been on her insistence - she had been desperate for me to do ballet when I was little, so I did. But at some point she seemed to start resenting me a lot - I think partly because of the opportunities I had that she never had, and partly because I obviously had most of my Mum's time etc - she is 17 years older than me. Our relationship has never really been right since then. Sometimes she is fine with me, and seems to want me to spend time with her, but she can be really quite nasty sometimes, particularly when there are other people around, and she isn't at all supportive of my mental health problems. She is quite a difficult person generally - everyone is really careful of what they say around her as she is liable to explode over tiny things - comments she takes the wrong way, or something she perceives as criticism, or really anything at all. So people tiptoe around her. I suppose if I am honest I can see similarities between us behaviourally, but I tend to bottle things up far more than she does I think, and I think I probably direct more of my anger inwards, whereas she gets very angry with other people. Although having said that, I do too sometimes - I can completely explode, generally at my parents, and be really aggressive. I don't know. Maybe we are more similar than I would like to admit. Anyway, this is all digression.

So my pre-teen years were quite difficult. I was particularly affected by my parents splitting up. My dad used to come and see me, and I would be completely distraught when he left, really hysterically crying and screaming and trying to chase the car as he drove away, and laying down in the middle of the road outside the house after he had gone. Then sometimes I would refuse to see or speak to him for months at a time. Then it would be back to him coming over as though nothing had happened. I think I was very confused and upset - my parents had always been the couple that would never split up, and I had no idea he was leaving until the day he left. I was a mess, and my mum was a mess, and so I would try to be ok for her, because I didn't want to make things worse for her. She went for counselling for a while, but I never talked to anybody. We didn't tell anybody he had left. We just pretended he was still living there. Nobody at school knew they had split up. Most of my friends didn't know. This went on for years really. Just keeping up a facade of happy families. He would always come and stay over Christmas, and come on holiday with us. I was always devastated when he left again. For some periods of time he would spend every weekend with us. Then either my mum or I would decide we didn't want to see him, and he would disappear for months, until we let him back. It was all pretty confusing really. I didn't have any friends at school, and over the years I started to grow away from my best friend. I wasn't happy. I used to skip school quite a lot. I did get ill quite a lot as a child, and when I wasn't actually ill I would pretend to be to get time off school. The only time I was happy was when I was rehearsing shows or performing. I felt accepted there. I felt like people liked me. I could pretend to be someone else. I think that was when I first started having a happy face that I would put on, however I felt inside. I was 12, and I had just auditioned for my first big production outside of school (Annie), and then between the auditions and rehearsals starting my dad had left, and I was confused and upset and all over the place, and those rehearsals were a safe place for me. I had the lead part and I didn't feel useless - people thought I was good and all of the cast were nice to me, and it was my escape. It was also around that time that I first remember getting attached to people. Not to the same extent that I did when I was older, but it was definitely there. I idolised the woman playing Grace. My teen years were basically spent avoiding school whenever possible, and going from one show to the next, because rehearsals were the only place that made me happy, and where I felt good about myself. And where the various people I got attached to over the years were. So although I was 17 before I ever spoke to anybody about how I felt - I had really never ever talked about emotions and feelings at all before then with anybody, not even in a general way - and was referred to the CMHT etc, right through my childhood and adolescence things weren't right. I wasn't happy. I wouldn't say I was depressed as I did still enjoy things, or performing anyway, but I wasn't happy either. And I think that is partly why I find it so difficult to think about the future, and what I want, and being happy and living a normal life. Because I don't really have much experience of that - certainly not as an adult, but not really even as a teenager or child. But I did have a clear idea of what I wanted when I was a teenager, and so I will try and write about that. Occasionally I will have moments when I remember why I cared, and why I wanted things, and I try to hold onto those, but they don't last long. I think one of the reasons I am finding this play so frustrating is because I am just not enjoying it at all - I have spent all of the rehearsals wishing I wasn't there, and when performing was my only outlet, and the only thing that I enjoyed for so many years, it is really hard to know that even that doesn't make me happy now. It makes me feel more hopeless.

I compare myself a lot to other people. People I went to school or college with. Who now have virtually all moved away from home and been to university, and are now working. A few didn't go to university but have been working. Nobody else seems to have done absolutely nothing. One girl from my class at school is a Doctor now. Another is doing a Masters degree. One guy is in a band that have had Mercury Prize nominated album and toured all over the world. I feel completely humiliated when I see people I haven't seen for a long time and they ask what I am doing, because I am not doing anything, and I haven't done anything since A levels. And it frustrates me because I know that I was as clever as everyone I was at school with. I don’t mean to sound arrogant when I say that, but I was. Even though my attendance at school was relatively poor, and I didn’t work terribly hard, I always still did well. Not as well as I could have done, but better than most people. I got the best GCSE results in my year, and I didn’t do any revision. Admittedly my year group wasn’t the brightest (both girls I have mentioned had moved schools before GCSEs), but even so, I should have done something. I feel like I have been left behind. Not just academically either. In life generally. Some people I was at school or college with are engaged or married. I even feel useless when I compare myself to friends I have who also have mental health problems. Even compared to them I seem to have achieved less. Some of them have also been to university and got degrees. Some haven't managed to get their degrees, but at least managed to do a year or 2 before leaving. Some have worked. Some have travelled. Nearly everyone I know apart from me seems to have a driving license. There is just an endless list of things that I haven't done that other people I know have. And that makes me feel really useless.

To me, being well would mean;
- Feeling ok about my life. Not wanting to kill myself. Not happy all of the time, because I know that isn't realistic, and that people aren't happy all of the time, but happy some of the time. And ok most of the time. Everyone has bad days, but every day shouldn't be a bad day.
- Feeling well enough to do things, like the summer course in America for example.
- Enjoying things. Having things that make me happy. I am completely lacking this at the moment, and it is probably one of the hardest things to deal with.
- Being able to go into busy places, like bars or something, without getting such overwhelming anxiety that I have to leave.
- Having friends, and wanting to spend time with them and go out with them. I don't really have many friends who don't have mental health problems themselves, and whilst I do have some really good friends, I would like to be able to have friends who aren't caught up in the whole mental health world. I know why I tend to stick to people who have MH problems - it is because they understand when I am having a bad day and just can't stop crying, or when I can't cope with leaving the house, or I can't have a proper conversation because all I can think about is suicide. And because I have been hurt by other friends I have had who haven't been able to deal with that, because they just don't understand. Or because they get bored of me never wanting to go out with them. Or because they have been scared off by seeing me or talking to me when I have been bad. But it has all lead to me feeling abandoned, and so now I am scared of making friends with 'normal' people. If I was well that wouldn't happen. I would want to go out and see them, because I wouldn't be anxious about being around people, or feel like I had to put on a happy mask all of the time, or be too pre-occupied with suicide to hold a normal conversation.
- Having relationships. Wanting to see someone. Falling in love. Not feeling like I don't deserve it, or like I shouldn't be with someone because it wouldn't be fair on them to have to put up with me.
- Accepting my body and weight. Not neccessarily being happy with it all of the time, because again that isn't realistic, but just having the type of relationship with my body and food that other people do. Not desperately wanting to purge when I eat 'bad' foods. Being able to eat healthily without going into restriction mode, and being able to eat some junk food without beating myself up about it, and then letting myself just eat as much crap as I want because I have ruined the day anyway. Finding a balance between eating whatever I like (mostly rubbish) and restricting. Not letting the scales determine whether it will be a good or a bad day. Not constantly thinking about calories and weight whenever I eat.
- Having my own place. Not supported accommodation, but actually my own flat, or flatshare. Just like other people do.
- Being able to go to drama school. This is probably the biggest thing, as it would mean being able to do most of the above, plus be in college 40 - 60 hours a week, as well as all the work outside of college - vocal work, body conditioning, learning songs and scripts, writing essays etc etc
- Not being reliant on benefits for money. Working like everyone else - ideally in acting, but doing the typical out of work actor jobs like temping and telesales when there is no acting work.
- Being out of the mental health system. Not needing therapy or medication, or support in that way. Just dealing with bad days however other people do.
- Not wanting to turn to some form of self neglect or self harm all of the time, and not seeing suicide as the way out when things get overwhelming.
- Being able to think in a more balanced way, rather than just in black and white.
- Wanting to live. Seeing life as a positive thing, rather than something that I want to be over as soon as possible.

I am writing all of this but it feels like something that is a complete impossibility. I can’t imagine any of it ever happening. I find thinking about the future so overwhelming, because the things I always wanted seem too far out of reach, and I don’t even know if they are what I want, because I don’t want anything at the moment, except to die. Thinking about the future goes against every instinct I have – I find it difficult to even think a day ahead, let alone years into the future, and I find it very anxiety provoking and just scary I suppose. Because I can’t imagine any of this ever happening. Because all I can see is years of feeling like this stretching out in front of me, and I can’t cope with that.

Catch up

I haven't written for a few days. I have been very tired and just not really felt like I have had anything to write about. Things are not getting any easier. Having said that, I think there has been change over the last few weeks, but I couldn't say whether it was good or bad. A few weeks ago I was completely exhausted, to the point where it was difficult to do things like move my head. My thinking was really slowed down, and I knew I felt really terrible, but I think I was too tired to actually do anything about it. Now I am still exhausted, but not in quite the same way. I don't really know if I could explain the difference, but it is different. And my brain is definitely different. It is filled with thoughts. Racing thoughts. Constant thinking and planning and plotting. I think I seem better to other people - certainly L has commented that visibly I don't seem as bad as I did a few weeks ago. I think that is largely because I have recovered the ability to talk in full sentences, which is of course a good thing. But I actually feel far more at risk now than I did then. I am much more on edge. I am having to take a lot more Diazepam to try and calm me down and slow my thoughts a bit. I feel like I am actually a much greater risk to myself now than I was a few weeks ago, even if I appear better to others.

It is the play this week. I am not looking forward to it. This is all wrong. I used to love performing. Being on stage gave me such a buzz. When I was growing up I was only happy when I was at rehearsals, or performing. That was the only part of life that interested me. Now I don't even have that. I said I couldn't make the rehearsal friday because I was ill. That was a lie - I just couldn't face it. I had to go sunday as I didn't feel like I could let people down by missing yet another rehearsal, but it was crap. I wasn't in the mood at all - I was completely lost in my thoughts. I just phoned it in. I also got very faint in the middle of the rehearsal and had to sit down for a few minutes. I am not sure what that was about. I got like it again at ballet today. I have quite a heavy period at the moment so I am wondering if it is related to that. Either that or I am ill. The weird thing is, that much as I hate this play, in a way it is keeping me going. I have been having such strong suicidal thoughts over the last few days, particularly friday and saturday, but I am acutely aware that I would be letting down the rest of the cast, and I can't do that. I have the tech rehearsal tomorrow night, and then the dress on wednesday, and then performances thursday, friday and saturday. And then it will be over. Thank goodness. I feel like it is taking too much of my energy, and I don't have enough as it is. Plus of course the feeling obliged to stay alive thing just makes me really resent the whole thing.

My mum picked up my Zopiclone on saturday. Unfortunately she is following the little note that my GP scribbled all over it and giving me one tablet every other night. Which basically does fuck all. Considering I have been taking 30mg a go lately when I have dipped into my stash, and not even been knocked out by that, I think it is fairly obvious why 7.5mg isn't doing a lot. Or anything at all really. This is pretty unfortunate. I am now thinking that since they don't work I may as well not take them and just add them to the stash so that I can either take a few at a time when I really want to sleep, or use them to overdose on. Sleep is still a problem. I am having trouble getting to sleep, which isn't anything new, but I am waking up a ridiculous ammount, and I just still feel so tired when I wake up. And I look tired too. I have black circles under my eyes, and bags. People keep commenting on how tired I look. I am never quite sure what the aim is when people say that. I am usually aware that I look like crap, and someone reminding me doesn't really help. And how are you meant to respond?

The weekend was really hard. Friday night I came very close to overdosing. Much closer than I have for a long time. Actually probably the closest I have got since I last did overdose. Then I got into a complete state on Saturday - I was convinced that L was going to stop seeing me, and the thought of that just sent me into complete turmoil. I know I will have to deal with it at some point, but right now I just can’t think about me. It just really fuelled my fears of abandonment enormously and I just got so worked up and I just couldn’t calm myself down for hours – I was just sobbing completely uncontrollably for ages and ended up with a splitting headache as a result of it. It also made the suicidal thoughts even stronger, because the thought of trying to cope on my own just feels so completely impossible. It is hard enough to keep going at the moment as it is, and without support I just couldn’t do it. And then I was also thinking that I should kill myself because I feel like I am such a nuisance and if I was dead then she wouldn’t have to see me, nobody would. But then I got really scared about what would happen if I tried to kill myself and it didn’t work, and would I end up with no support then. And round and round in circles my brain went. It does worry me how I can get so dependent on somebody. I get so that I really rely on people, and then if/when I lose them I find it incredibly hard to deal with. I think it is partly because I find it so difficult to trust people – I could count on one hand the number of people I have ever completely trusted, and whose judgement I would always believe. Actually, I would probably only need 2 fingers for the people I have trusted absolutely, and then a couple more fingers for people I have trusted, but not to quite that extent. I wonder if that is ‘normal’ or not.

I have semi made a decision on America. Primarily due to pressure from my parents. Well I don't think they intended it as such. My dad asked me if I had made up my mind, and I said no, and he asked why not and didn't I need to decide. It seems that grabbing my teddy bear, bursting into tears and repeatedly saying 'I can't talk about that now, please close the door' made him think it wasn't a good idea for me to go to America for a month. My parents basically said that if I was in that much doubt about whether or not to go, then it probably wasn't a good idea, as I would just end up getting more and more worked up about it. They have a point. But I now feel like a failure. Naturally. I tried to persuade my mum last night how much better off she would be without me. I asked if she wished she had never had me. She said parents don't think about that. I said that I was now making her think about that, and did she wish she hadn't had me. Apparently she doesn't wish that. Neither does she wish I would disappear, which I have felt was a good idea ever since watching a documentary last week about a man who tried to disappear for a month to see if it was possible. I thought I could pretend to disappear, and nobody would be worried about me because I would be disappeared, and I could then kill myself, and nobody would know, and therefore nobody would be upset. I didn't share the killing myself part of the plan with my mum - just the rest of it, but she didn't like it. I suppose she has to say that really though. She can't really say to me that it was a massive mistake having me, and of course she wishes she hadn't, because that would sound a bit mean. Although I did say that I wish she hadn't had me, which is possibly also a bit mean, but true. That is what I want more than anything else. To just not exist.

Passionate Blogger Award

A Glass Half Shattered has very kindly awarded me the Passionate Blogger Award. I am very excited as it is the first award anyone has ever given me for my blog, so thank you very much for that.

I now choose 5 bloggers to pass the award onto. This is hard, as I love all the blogs on my blogroll, but I am making a point of choosing people who haven't already received it (to my knowledge), which eliminates some people, including some of my favourite bloggers. It was really difficult to just choose 5 people.

So in no particular order, my choices are...

Kris at Borderline Families - I only found this blog a couple of days ago, but have read back through all of her entries, and she seems incredibly dedicated and passionate. I am finding it interesting reading a blog from the point of view of someone who cares for someone with a mental health problem, rather than someone with a mental health problem like most of my blogroll are.

Cassie at Behind the Facade - Cassie has been on my blogroll for quite a long time now and I always like reading what is going on with her. She is clearly very passionate about mental health issues generally, as well as blogging.

Em at Eccedentesiast - I love Em. She is an inspiration. A fantastic blogger and a lovely person.

Margery Daw at round the mulberry bush - Margery Daw is a nearly qualified Mental Health Nurse. I like MH professionals/professionals-to-be that blog. I think it shows a passion and dedication to their job that lots of other staff could really learn from. And I like that she refers to her children as the three little pigs.

Annie at It's Time To Get Over How Fragile You Are - I like the way she blogs. I included her because I think she is quite original. I like the pictures and bullet point format that her updates often consist of, as I find them easy to read when I am struggling to concentrate.

As I said, it was really hard to just pick five people, as I do love all the blogs I read. Those of you who I have awarded this to can now put it in your side bar and pass on the award to 5 other bloggers. Or just completely ignore it - your decision!

Struggling

I am really struggling quite a lot. Yesterday afternoon was hard - I didn't really do anything except write my blog post from yesterday, and that took me from about half 12 until about half 8, and there is not 8 hours worth of writing there, so I am thinking I must have done a fair bit of dissociating. The night wasn't so bad - I had the election coverage on and was talking to a few people on MSN and I think I stayed fairly with it. I got to sleep about half 4, slept terribly, woke up at some point during the morning and went online for about half an hour, then when back to sleep until about half 1. I still woke up feeling exhausted, because even when on paper the ammount of sleep I have had looks ok it is so interrupted and disturbed that it just doesn't seem to refresh me at all. My mum still hasn't picked up my bloody prescription.

Today has been really bad. Even when I was waking up in the night I felt really crap, and then when I woke up properly I just felt really dreadful. I feel very tense and anxious, I think mostly about the things I wrote about yesterday. I don't know what to do about the America thing, and whatever decision I make feels wrong. I also just feel so hopeless, because I really don't see things changing and that is so hard. The last few weeks have been so unbelievably hard and I have felt so terrible, and I have kept going and I haven't tried to kill myself because I thought things would have to get easier soon, and they haven't, they have got harder and I feel worse and more suicidal, and I really just don't know what I supposed to do now. I can't just keep on going. I feel so lost. I desperately want to kill myself. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to pass the time because I just can't concentrate or think properly. I feel like I want to cry all of the time, but it is like I am empty, there is nothing there. I just can't carry on. I feel so bad that it really hurts. I really think I have reached breaking point.

Thoughts about the future

L arrived bright and early this morning. She was bright anyway. And it was early. I was tired and still in my PJs, but I was out of bed so she was very impressed. I asked if she had been planning to come and drag me out of bed if I wasn't up and she said not to put it past her. I think she would actually. Anyway, she took me to see the supported housing and someone gave us a tour of the place.

The vibe of it was very like a hostel or something. Very young - everyone I saw looked under 30. Very bright and colourful etc. There was a games room with a pool table and TV with various game things, and a computer with internet and a karaoke machine (!!). Then there was a TV room next door, which apparently has Sky. There was a garden and smoking area etc, but I don't smoke, and an art room, and a little gym with a treadmill and cross trainer and weights machine things etc. A laundry room with a couple of washing machines and a tumble dryer. There was a really massive kitchen/dining thing. It was like 2 kitchens really - the room was really long and there was a kitchen at each end, and then 2 big tables with chairs in the middle. Apparently everyone has a cupboard that locks to keep their stuff in, and then fridge space etc - there seemed like plenty of room. The bedroom I saw was quite nice. Apparently it was one of the smaller ones, but it was a reasonable size, and all of the rooms have ensuite shower rooms. They have furniture - bed, desk and chair, wardrobe and chest of drawers, but they said you can keep as much or little of that as you want. There are 12 rooms. It seemed fairly male dominated - there are currently only 3 girls. It seems like you get a lot of support. They come up with a plan of what you will be doing on a daily basis and what things you need help with, for example if you need help with cooking then that goes on there, or if you need help with your medication or shopping or whatever then they support you with it. There is always a member of staff available through the night etc.

I am not really sure how I feel about it at the moment. My biggest concern would be sharing a kitchen. I am not sure if I could cope with that. I wouldn't want to use anything that other people used. I also wouldn't go in there if I thought it might be dirty etc, and that could be problematic. I am a bit neurotic about cleanliness outside of my house, and even at home I am paranoid about what things have been used for etc. So I suppose the kitchen situation would be what I would find most difficult to deal with. I think I would also find it hard being around people so much more than I am now, but I suppose that is something that I should get used to really, as I know I probably spend too much time on my own at the moment. I think I also have difficulty seeing myself as needing supported accommodation like that. It just seems like something for people who are really ill, and I can't think of myself like that. On the other hand, I know that I would need quite a lot of support if I wasn't living at home. I think the time scale kind of freaks me out too. They said people stay there up to 2 years, and then there are 6 move on flats, so people either move into those, or they support them in finding somewhere in the community. I can't cope with the concept of being ill, or having problems that need support for another 2 years. It freaks me out. I feel like I need to be better now, or really soon, or I just can't cope. There is no point in having a life unless I am better now. Or really soon.

I really really hate thinking about the future. I am feeling really stressed and tense about everything. I am stressing about the summer course in America. I absolutely have to make a decision about it and I just can't. I don't remember the last time I had a month when I felt fairly stable the whole time. So why do I think I could have a stable month in another country, where I have absolutely no support, and would be working hard. Plus things like cooking and just looking after myself generally. There would be nobody to help me, either practically or emotionally. Unless I felt a hundred times better than I am at the moment then there is just no way at all that I could cope. There is also the added problem that I really don't know how my voice would cope - I haven't sung properly for over a year because of the problems with my voice, so singing a lot is probably a pretty bad idea. There is also the issue of cost. I have been lucky and been allocated some funding for the course, so it is a lot cheaper than it would have been otherwise, but it is still a lot of money, and by the time I have added on other costs such as flights and travel and food over there, and a couple of nights accommodation first to get rid of jet lag that is already a lot of money. And then I was intending to spend some time in New York after with a friend, as I have always wanted to go to New York, and so it would seem silly to not spend some time there when I would be flying home from there anyway. So basically the whole thing would cost me in excess of £2000. I do have that money, because I am a hoarder with money, and have saved my whole life, but I absolutely cannot afford to waste it. Which puts quite a lot of pressure on this decision. If I pay for the course and flights then that is immediately £1500, and if I was too ill to go then that would just be money down the drain. Thinking about it like this, the logical thing really seems to not go, and to reapply for next year if things are better by then. But if it gets to the summer and I would have been well enough to go then I will be really upset and frustrated with myself, and even if I know logically that I wouldn't have been well enough to go, I will still beat myself up over it because that is what I do. It will be added to my list of failures. And people keep telling me what a fantastic opportunity it is, and what a great experience it would be, and that just makes me feel even more pressure. I really wish I hadn't applied. I hate myself for always doing this. I always think too big, and end up getting stressed and frustrated and upset. I either back out of things and end up angry with myself for it, and thinking I am useless and pathetic, or I try and do it and end up getting ill. There are 2 occasions I have really tried to do something big and gone through with it - once was going to university, which landed me in hospital twice, and once trying to move part time to London to do a part time course, which resulted in me trying to kill myself. So I don't have a great track record. Admittedly these things were different, in that they weren't just for a month, but when I tried to do the course in London I spent 3 days crying, came home for the weekend, and tried to kill myself. So although it would have been more long term, I was only actually there for 3 days. God, I am so confused. I feel really stressed and overwhelmed.

I have spent hours writing this. Over 5 hours. I can't concentrate. I am really struggling. I just feel like everything is getting on top of me. I am really feeling like I can't cope. I suppose my dreadful sleep isn't helping. And my mum still hasn't picked up my Zopiclone. I am just having really strong suicidal thoughts. And it is really hard to think about the future when I don't even want to be here by tomorrow. I want to overdose. I really don't think I can cope. I don't want to be here. I feel really exhausted.

I feel like things are never going to get better. I feel like my brain is all broken into lots and lots of little pieces, and nothing can put it back together. Like Humpty Dumpty. It is about 6 and a half years ago now that I was first given anti depressants and referred to the CMHT. I am only 23. That is a big percentage of my life. Over a quarter of my life. And I have had lots of different medications, but none seem to have helped much, and so they seem to have been given up on. And I have seen so many different people – Psychiatrists and Psychologists and CPNs and OTs and Social Workers and Support Workers. And none of it has helped. I feel as bad now as I have ever done. Maybe worse. And I just don’t see how things are going to get better. It feels impossible. I feel like I am too broken; my brain is too confused and scrambled up to ever sort out. I can’t believe that I am nearly 24 and I have achieved nothing with my life. There is so much I thought I would have done by now, and now if I manage to shower and get dressed then that day has to be seen as an achievement. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just cope like other people do? Things should have got better by now. If I was ever going to get better then I feel like I would have started to by now. Where do I go from here? Am I supposed to just accept that this is my life? Because I can't do that. And I can't see things changing. Which brings me back to the option of killing myself. Whichever way I look at things, it seems to be the best option. In fact, at the moment I don't see any other options.

Hmph

Since I have taken quite a few Zopiclone lately I decided I needed more to replenish my supplies, and so that I would have some to take to help me sleep. I rung my GP surgery yesterday. Dr O doesn't work on a tuesday, which I thought was probably a good thing as she was unlikely to give me any. I asked to speak to a different GP, who I have known for years, but don't ever see because I used to know him outside of the GP/patient relationship, and so feel a bit awkward talking to him about my mental health problems, plus I am more comfortable talking to women. Anyway, I thought I would be able to get him to prescribe some Zopiclone. When I rung they said he was out on home visits and they would ask him to call me before afternoon surgery. He didn't ring back, I didn't know why. I got a call from Dr O earlier today saying that the Dr hadn't got the message to call me yesterday, so she was calling. I asked her about the Zopiclone, and somewhat suprisingly she agreed. She said she would give me 14 tablets, and to take one every other night so they would last a month. Since I need at least 2 to get any effect I thought they would probably last about a week, if that, but I decided not to push my luck and ask for more. But she then said she would want my mum to pick them up and dispense them because she didn't trust me with them. I said that would be difficult because it would be hard for my mum to get to the pharmacy to pick them up, and I could pick them up that afternoon when I was with N. She asked me to promise that I wouldn't overdose on them and said she was giving them to me to help on and not so that I could overdose on them, and that she would be really upset if I did that. I said I wouldn't and that I just wanted to get some sleep. I justified this in my head by thinking that I wouldn't use *these* Zopiclone to OD on, I would use the old ones, and I would just use these ones to get some sleep. Probably.

This afternoon I had my last ever appointment with N. I was seeing her at 2 and she hadn't booked in anyone else for the afternoon so that we had a few hours. We went to a different town and wandered around the shops and that sat in Cafe Nero for a little while. On the way home I decided to pick up my prescription. I went into the pharmacy and asked for it, and the pharmacist stood looking at the script for a minute and then came over, looking a little awkward, and showed me a note that the GP had written on the script saying that it was only to be dispensed to my mum. He said he wasn't really sure what to do as he wasn't used to getting notes like that on prescriptions and would my mum be able to pick it up. I was fuming inside, and felt like a complete tit, but just said that my mum wouldn't be able to get it today but that hopefully she would be able to get it tomorrow. It was a very awkward situation. I was embarrassed - I am 23 years old and I wasn't allowed to pick up my own prescription, and he seemed embarrassed that it said not to give it to me. I underestimated my GP. I thought I had managed to persuade her that it was all fine, and I clearly hadn't - she obviously wasn't fooled. Dr O - 1, Bip - 0. I then had to go back to the car and tell N that I hadn't been able to get my prescription. Tried to fob her off by saying it was a long story, but she asked why not so I then had to explain that my GP had written a note saying that my mum should pick them up. She seemed slightly confused and asked if my GP thought I was that at risk or if this was a regular thing, and I just said I didn't know.

I am annoyed. Now I don't get my Zopiclone how I want them. Unless I can persuade my mum to give them to me. Which I doubt will work. I get pissed off when my plans don't work out right.

N dropped me off and I said goodbye to her, and gave her a card I had bought for her. I do feel a bit sad that I won't be seeing her anymore, but I have had other endings that have been much more difficult and emotional. I suppose I know I still have L, and it is her that I really rely on, and who is my main support, and yes, who I am attached to. I am seeing her tomorrow. She is taking me to have a look at the housing that I talked about before. I guess at least then I will know what it is like, and be in a better position to judge if it is something I am at all interested in or not. She said she would pick me up just before 10. I said she was cruel and that I will still be unconscious. She said she was looking forward to seeing me bright eyed and bushy tailed. No chance! I am going to attempt not to mention the Zopiclone fiasco to her - I am not sure that she would be pleased I have managed to get more, as she knows that I have some and that I have been taking it fairly liberally.

Election day tomorrow! Come on the Greens! Really hoping the Tories don't get a majority. I think it is unlikely, but I am slightly concerned...

Gone, but not forgotten

Just over a year ago, on 2nd May 2009, my incredible GP died. I haven't written about her much here, just mentioned her a few times. She meant a lot to me. I first started seeing her when I came home from uni. Well I say from uni, but actually it was from hospital. I was discharged from the hospital a few days before Christmas, and saw my GP for the first time the day after I got home. I wrote in my diary 'I have registered with a GP here who is so lovely, really sympathetic and supportive. I feel like she genuinely wants to help', and that was true of the whole time I saw her. It took several weeks for the CMHT to start seeing me, and in that time she saw me at least once a week, and talked to me between if I needed it. After I had been seeing her for about a month, she went off sick. She was off for quite a few months. Then she came back, then was off again, then came back, then was off again (this was over a period of about 3 years). She had Cancer. She was only 43 when she died, and had 2 young children.

Whenever she was there she was incredibly supportive of me. She saw me weekly for the majority of that time, although it did move to fortnightly when I was more stable, and I think even monthly occasionally. She always gave me lots of time - it wasn't at all unusual for me to be with her for 45 minutes or so. She was always positive. She always said how she knew that I would get better, and that my thoughts were because I was ill, and that one day I would be happy. She was always very concerned about my safety. On quite a few occasions she tried to persuade me to go into hospital, and when I refused (as I always did) she would always try and arrange for more support for me. She didn't always succeed, but that was down the failings of the CMHT I was under at the time rather than her. She was very into complimentary type therapies (alongside psychiatric medication, not as a replacement for), particularly EFT, which I do think has some mileage - when she did it with me I did find it helped with anxiety, just not with depression/suicidal thoughts.

She was the first professional that I ever felt genuinely cared about me, and not just because it was her job to. She was always very involved in my care - far more than lots of GPs are. She dealt with all my medication, because I refused to see the Psychiatrist I was under. She frequently talked to the CMHT about me. She came to my CPA review. Even when she wasn't at work she was involved in my care. The GP I saw at the surgery when she was off sick was her husband, and he would often check things with her. In short, she was an amazing person. She was a fantastic GP, but also a really lovely, caring woman, with a wonderful sense of humour. I was very attached to her, and I still miss her enormously. I don't believe that I would still be alive if it wasn't for her, and I will never forget how much she did for me. She is still one of the most incredible people I have ever met, and I feel privileged to have known her. RIP.

The weekend

It's been a hard weekend. Friday night was the worst. The Zopiclone saturday night made that night slightly easier to cope with. Last night was hard. I really wanted to OD. The lovely Em was enormously supportive and spent the night chatting with me on MSN until about half 4 this morning. She was fantastic, and I honestly don't know if I would have got through last night without her. I am really hoping tonight will be slightly easier. The nights I find worst are the ones when I know I would have a long time before anyone would find me, because those are the ones an OD would be most likely to work. I am seeing L tomorrow morning, and my mum has tuesday mornings off work, so a monday night would be an unlikely night for me to take an OD, as there would be less chance of it working than if I did it a different night. And if I know I can't do it, then hopefully I can think about it less too. That is the theory anyway. It works to some extent.

Today was a bit stressful. Lots of family over, and I find that hard. Just too much noise and too many people, and I ended up with a headache all afternoon/evening. I don't like having people over really. It's ok for about half an hour and then I want them to go.

Anyway, yes, I am seeing L tomorrow. I also have a stupid rehearsal in the evening. I am seeing N on wednesday. That will be my last appointment with her as this is her last week. Then I have a ballet class wednesday night. Thursday I am seeing L again. Thinking about the next few days stresses me. It would be very difficult to find any night that I see as a potential OD night, and that makes me feel trapped. I am still just having such strong suicidal thoughts. They are getting stronger if anything, and I just don't know what to do except give in to them. I have tried fighting them, and things aren't getting any easier at all. So maybe now it is time to give in to them.

Tonight

Have had some sleeping tablets tonight. Needed to avoid another night last night. So took a few Zopiclone before I got too upset so that I will hopefully be able to sleep tonight. I had to have a few Diazepam last night, but that was ok because there were only a couple left in the packet so I didn't feel like I would get out of control and overdose on them. The Zopiclone are a slightly tricky issue in that I am not actually prescribed them. I haven't been for about 6 months now. Maybe more actually. And when I was prescribed it that was at the time when my mum was in charge of all my meds and just gave me 1 days worth of meds at a time. So what I did with the Zopiclone was hide them most nights instead of taking them, making a little stockpile of them to add to an overdose. I don't have that many left unfortunately, only about 20 (7.5s) as I have taken 4 at a time several times over the last couple of weeks to try and get some proper sleep. As I have already taken them and Zopiclone have the same effect on me as alcohol would I doubt I will remember writing this. So anyway. That is why I can't give anyone my sleeping tablets to have them given to me. I am not meant to have them at all. Naughty Bip.

Since last night was so bad, and I was still really struggling today I decided to try and talk to someone. So I called the out of hours number. This goes through to my local psych ward. Sometimes when I have called them (I have called several times, but not for 6 months or more now) I have spoken to people who have been really helpful and supportive and who have talked to me for a long time and it has been helpful etc. Unfortunately today wasn't one of those times. She sounded nice enough, but just asked what was going on, and I said that I had been really struggling for a couple of weeks and was feeling very suicidal and that last night had been really bad, and she asked if I was under the crisis team and I said no, and she said she would call and speak to them and then either her or them would call me back. She called back and said she had left an answerphone message for the crisis team, but that she had looked at my care plan and that said I should go to A&E if I was feeling suicidal. I pointed out that this is unhelpful, and she said that was what my care plan said. This is unfortunately true. I am going to try and get that changed, as L admits that it is a pretty pointless venture, and so I would rather it wasn't on there. I think it is perhaps a fairly standard thing they do for arse covering though, so that may not work, as her manager or someone might say it needs to be on there. Anyway, I was then expecting to hear from the crisis team (who are generally incompetant, but you get the occasional helpful person), but the nurse from the ward rung back again a few minutes later saying she had spoken to the crisis team and that they had agreed that I should go to A&E if I was feeling suicidal. So I didn't get to talk to anyone. I obviously wasn't going to A&E. A&E is pointless. Particularly because it is the weekend, which means I would be assessed by the crisis team. In office hours you seem to be assessed by a psychiatrist and psych nurse (in my experience anyway) but out of hours it is the crisis team. And what they do is turn up after 4 hours, patronisingly suggest you distract yourself and send you home. If you see the psych and psych nurse they do at least actually assess you properly, ie ask some questions. So anyway. I was clearly not going to A&E. Silly idea.

Still feel shit. I am planning to kill myself. Not tonight though. I need to sleep tonight. That is what you do at night. I have a rehearsal tomorrow. I don't want to go. But I must. I said I would. Well I didn't really have a choice. So I have rehearsal tomorrow. Tonight I need to sleep. Maybe now actually. I think I am tired. Night night.