Today

4:45PM My weight was down again today. By 1.6lbs from yesterday. That is 2.6lbs in 2 days. It made me happy. I know I can't have lost over 2 and a half lbs of fat in that time, but weight loss is weight loss - I don't care what it is. Hungry, very hungry, but it is ok, I can fight that. I want the numbers to go down again tomorrow. And if that means being really hungry then I just have to deal with that. Keep reminding myself of weight loss slogans. 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'. True. This is true. It whirrs around in my brain every time I want something to eat. Chocolate. I really want chocolate. But it will make my weight go up and that is not acceptable. It has to go down. It was so good earlier seeing the number on the scales lower than I expected. So exciting. I need that again tomorrow. So no chocolate. No anything yet. I can have something in a couple of hours. I wish I wasn't hungry. So much easier to lose weight without the hunger. I have been taking the Hoodia I bought a couple of months ago today and yesterday but it does nothing at all to relieve the hunger. It does not work. Rubbish stuff. But I will keep taking it in case.

I am scared about Easter. I feel so torn by it. There will be lots of chocolate, and I love chocolate. But I am terrified of it because it will make me gain weight. I don't want any chocolate, but at the same time I want loads of it. It makes me feel powerless. I can't not eat it, because I can't do that. But I can't gain weight from it. I can't. I am thinking I will only be able to eat any chocolate when I am on my own so that I can purge afterwards. Ok, it won't get rid of all the calories, but it has got to be the best all round solution I think. I hate times of the year with lots of food. Christmas, Birthdays, Easter. Anything like that. And yet I love them. Because I am actually very greedy, and I want all the food. Loads of it. The more the better. Especially if it is cake or chocolate or sweets. But it makes me feel powerless and out of control, and that scares me. I would feel completely cheated and pissed off if I didn't get an Easter Egg, and yet having one will cause me so much anguish. I was in Co-op earlier, buying my Easter Eggs for other people. And I nearly caved and bought myself bags of Mini Eggs because they were on offer. I love Mini Eggs. And then I saw Creme Eggs on offer. I love Creme Eggs. And you can only get them at Easter so I feel like I need them. I wanted them so much. But I didn't buy them. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels, right?

I saw N earlier. She took me to the shops to buy my Easter Eggs for people. She is leaving in May. Although she works at my CMHT, she is actually employed by MIND, and was only on a 1 year contract, which she was hoping would be renewed, but there is no funding available. So no more Support Worker come May. Got to love the way the Mental Health system works. Decide someone has a need, provide them with the service, realise they can't afford the service, so take it away and ignore the need. This has happened to me before, under a different Trust. They seem to think that Support Workers are disposable, and so if funding is low they get the chop.

Still feeling much the same. Still having the same thoughts. Still having the little visions of me attempting to kill myself running through my head. Feel completely exhausted. Hate having to fight with myself like this constantly. There is no break from it whatever I do, because it is in my head, and I can't get away from my own head. Even in my sleep it is there. And my sleep is shit, even when I eventually manage to get to sleep. I just want it all to stop. Why does it have to be so hard? Being alive just shouldn't be this painful.

6:30PM The hunger has dissipated a lot. The arguments have started. I won’t have pasta for dinner, therefore I am the most impossible person to deal with, and why won’t I just eat normally etc etc. When I eat ‘normally’ I gain weight. I don’t restrict for fun. I do it because it is the only way I can lose weight. She doesn’t understand because she can eat like a pig and still be thin. I can’t do that. I wish I could. I really, really wish I could. But it doesn’t work like that for me. I hate the way she has to judge and comment on everything I eat, it really winds me up.

My relationship with my Mum is so strained at the moment. It is very rare that we are able to have a conversation without it turning into an argument. Everything I do is wrong. I am always lazy, or not making an effort, or selfish, or horrible, or being ridiculous. I find her so difficult to live with, and even be around. It is so much easier when I am on my own. She is off work for the next 2 and a half weeks, and I am dreading it. It will be a nonstop series of fights over what I eat, what I do, when I sleep. And when there are people around I have to pretend everything is fine, and that is so tiring. I just need a break from everything.

8:50PM Frustrated. I had some food about an hour ago, and I am more hungry now than before I ate. Diet coke time...

Failure

I feel like a failure. In so many ways.

People say I am doing well because I am still here etc, but to me it feels like I am failing. I don't want to be alive, and I am, therefore I am failing. I know we live in a society where suicide is seen as a bad thing (well actually, that probably applies to most societies to be fair, but that is besides the point) and selfish, and that it is therefore a good thing to stay alive even if you feel like shit etc, but it doesn't feel like a good thing to me.

I feel like people think I am an attention seeker, or crying wolf, because I talk about feeling suicidal and how I am going to kill myself, and then don't act on it. But when I say it it is because that is how I am really feeling at the time - I am not saying it for effect or anything. I have never said I am planning to kill myself unless I genuinely am. I feel like people now assume that I am not actually going to go through with it when I say I am feeling suicidal, and when I feeling this bad it is hard to feel that. I don't want to say I don't feel like I am being taken seriously, because it isn't that as such, for instance I know that L does know how bad I feel. But when I am feeling really terrible and really feel like I am going to act on these thoughts I find it hard to think that everyone just kind of thinks I will be ok and get through it. Because sometimes I can't.

I feel like a failure for my weight. For having let myself gain so much. For not having the will power to lose it.

I feel like a failure for not achieving anything in my life. When I speak to people I haven't spoken to for a long time I feel ashamed of myself when they ask me what I have been doing. I have accomplished nothing since my A levels, and that was quite a few years ago now. People I haven't been in touch with for a long time expect me to have been to drama school. I haven't. Because I can't even cope with getting out of bed every day, let alone doing 50+ hours a week at drama school.

I feel like a failure for not being a better friend. For not being able to support my friends better when they are struggling. I try, I really do, but sometimes when I am doing badly I just can't cope with it.

I feel like a failure as a daughter. For having done nothing to make my parents proud of me. For seeming ungrateful and lazy and uncaring. I'm not really. I try, but it is so difficult living with feeling like this all the time. I love them very much. But part of me wants to push them away so they will be less hurt when I kill myself.

I feel like a failure for having been unable to do so many things I have planned or intended to do. For having dropped out of things I have started because I haven't been able to cope.

I feel completely and utterly worthless.

And that is why I shouldn't be here. Why I should kill myself. And why I am a failure for not having done so already.

I caved...

I went to see L after all. I had an email from her this morning - she didn't try to persuade me to go, but she was very supportive, and although I still wasn't sure about going and felt quite uncomfortable (plus embarassed for having said I wasn't going to go), I did make myself. She was pretty suprised - she hadn't thought I would. We talked a bit about what was behind me not wanting to go, and what to do in the future if I felt like that again etc.

We talked briefly about food etc. She had asked me to start doing the dreaded food diary again, so I did yesterday. I didn't eat that much yesterday - I think a combination of not being hungry because I felt so shit, and intentionally restricting. It resulted in my weight being down 1lb from yesterday, which I was naturally pleased about. I hate that I can be so controlled by my weight though, and that it can have such an enormous impact on me. And I hate that I see restricting as a good thing. L commented on how little I had eaten yesterday, and for a second this little spark of pride shot through me. Which is bad. She wasn't meaning it as a compliment.

I am really hungry now as I haven't eaten yet today, but I don't want to. I desperately want my weight to go down again tomorrow. I know I am just using food as a coping mechanism etc, and it is bad, but if I can get my weight going down it just might make me feel slightly better, and the only way I can do that is by restricting.

Apart from that we mostly just chatted really. When I am feeling so bad I get quite irrational about things, so there isn't much point trying to go into anything too deep. She knows the suicidal thoughts are there etc, but we have talked about them a lot in the past, so there didn't really seem much point in going over it much. As I said yesterday, there is nothing she can do about it anyway.

Appointment tomorrow

I have been thinking about it and I am not going to go and see L tomorrow. I feel like I am wasting her time. I can't do the things she is asking me to do (get into a better sleep pattern, go out for walks, eat regularly rather than my chaotic all over the place style, etc etc) because I just feel too bad and it is too difficult. And if I am not going to do what she is telling me to do there is no point me seeing her. She could be spending her time helping someone who might actually get better. Whereas I have had enough, I don't want to be here anymore. I know that people will think I should go, but there really isn't any point. I know what I want, and that is to not be here, so seeing her is just wasting her time.

Today

Just spoke to L (had sent her an email last night asking if she could call me today). Finally got to sleep around half 7/8 I think so have had about 4 hours. She doesn't want me to go back to sleep so that I am able to sleep tonight. She wants me to do something physical (I don't mean exercsise, but something that isn't laying in bed) that I can get into that will take at least an hour, and said she will ring back about half 3. I can't think of anything. I don't want to be awake. The only things I can think of doing involve hurting myself and I don't think that is what she was thinking of. I feel really unsafe. Now I am awake I keep thinking that I have about 5 hours before anyone will be home and I could overdose. I can't cope.

Sleep?

I am going to try and get to sleep. It is about 5 hours earlier than I usually manage to sleep, but I can't cope with being awake anymore today, I feel too awful, and I don't think I will be able to keep myself safe if I stay awake. Really struggling so much, I just don't know what to do with myself.

Edit 2am - I am awake. I slept for about an hour and then woke up and can't get back to sleep. Have had another Diazepam but not sure what to do now.

Edit 4am - Still awake. Struggling

Edit 5:30am - Still awake. Had another Diazepam an hour or so back. I am really tired but I can't sleep. Feel like shit.

Edit 7am - Still awake. This is ridiculous

Suicidal thoughts

I really don't know how to cope with how suicidal I have been feeling the last few days. Or even if I want to. It feels like it would be so much easier to just give in to it. All I can think about is my weight and killing myself, my head just flicks from one to the other. I don't care about anything else. Have been thinking about asking someone to get some speed for me (no, I don't take drugs, but I have been thinking about it a lot). Not for the high, but because it would take away my appetite and then I wouldn't eat and then I would start losing weight, and then maybe I would feel like I could cope a bit better. The way I am at the moment I feel like nothing can make me feel any worse. I actually cannot live with myself at this weight. So either I lose weight or I kill myself. Killing myself is preferable, because I know I would still feel crap even if I did lose weight - I am not naive enough to think that if I lost weight everything would be wonderful and I would be happy etc etc. I know I would still be depressed. But it would help in that it would be one less thing to distress me, so it is an option. But being alive like this is definitely not.

GP appointment

I didn't really manage to talk to my GP about how I was feeling. I did kind of mean to, but at the same time I really didn't see the point. She can't alter my medications - only my psychiatrist is allowed to do that, and L has already said she is going to talk to my psychiatrist about putting me back on anti depressants, it was just unfortunate that my psych was off this week and so it will probably end up being another month before I get to see her.

Anyway, back to the appointment with Dr O. So yes, she can't change my meds, and there isn't a lot else she (or anyone else) can do, so it didn't seem like there was much point telling her how I feel. But I did intend to try. But she started talking about how she really thought I should stop the Diazepam (ongoing theme), and so we ended up talking about that. I said that there have been quite a few times when Diazepam has stopped me from self harming or overdosing - when I have been really desperate and upset and really in a mess, sometimes taking a couple of Diazepam has taken the edge off enough to stop me from hurting myself. And I don't know what would happen at these times if I didn't have that. She said maybe replacing it with something less toxic (her word, not mine) would be a good idea, and asked if the physical symptoms of anxiety or the thoughts were worse - I said definitely the thoughts, as I don't get loads in the way of physical symptoms, and those I do get I could live with if it wasn't for the thoughts. She was clearly hoping I would answer the other way around, as she said it can be difficult to tell them apart. I asked what she was thinking of and she said Propranolol as it would apparently help with the physical symptoms and then I could cope with the thoughts, as she thinks Diazepam is just covering up the thoughts and is like putting a blanket over things. I said that is exactly WHY I take the Diazepam - because it does that. There is no way I am swapping Diazepam for Propranolol, that would be a shit exchange. I then got a bit upset and started crying because I said that so far stopping medications had been a shit idea and made everything worse. She (who was very strongly in favour of me stopping my medications) said that she didn't think it had made things worse. I said my mood was lower, she said she didn't think it was. I said that I thought it was, and that L thought that from a clinical symptoms point of view I was worse. She said my mood hadn't seemed much lower to her. It kind of irritates me when professionals contradict you like this. I live with my mood - I know if it is lower or not. And she sees me for half an hour a month - L sees me for an hour and a half a week. If someone is going to notice, it is surely more likely to be L, since she spends about 12 times more time with me than Dr O does?

I also said that stopping the Trytophan was the most enormous mistake as since then I have gained 22lbs and hate myself, and can't stop thinking about my weight and that it makes me feel suicidal, and also that I have started purging again (albeit not often) since I stopped it, and didn't do it the whole time I was on it. She said that maybe restarting that if I really felt it had helped wouldn't be such a bad thing, and that she would write to Dr E about that and the Diazepam. She then said maybe I could have the Tryptophan back if they stopped the Diazepam, so that if they were taking away something I felt helped, then I would be getting something else that I felt helped. She went on to say she wasn't bartering, and I said it sure as hell sounded like it. There is no way Dr E will prescribe me the Tryptophan anyway - she was not budging an inch when I talked about it with her last time. I asked Dr O to give it to me today, because I know there is no way Dr E will, but she said it wasn't her decision.

I do like my GP, and we get on well, and she always spends a long time talking to me etc, but she always seems very anti psychiatric drugs (I did mention that she was being very anti-psychiatry when she was going on about the Diazepam - she laughed and said not to tell the CMHT) and that does kind of bother me. I know people seem to have an obsession with stopping the Diazepam (Dr E wants to as well), but I don't understand why they want to take away something that helps me. I know they don't want me to get addicted to it, but I am very good with it and I only take it when I need it. It also irritates me that one of their problems with me taking it seems to be my age - both Dr E and Dr O have said they don't like people my age being on Diazepam. I don't get that. Age seems irrelevant. If it helps me why does it matter that I am 23? Why would they be more willing to prescribe it if I was 63?

I am still feeling really bad. Strong suicidal thoughts. As usual exacerbated by how I feel about my body and weight. I just want to make everything stop. I don't feel like I have any energy or fight left. I feel so exhausted. And I hate that there is nothing anyone can do. It leads me back to feeling like the only viable option is suicide. Maybe it is.

Struggling

I feel really crap. The suicidal thoughts have got so strong again lately and I am finding it really difficult not to act on them. Although there wouldn’t have been much opportunity this week anyway really. I probably wouldn’t have done anything even if there had been I suppose. I want to. I wish I could. I wish I could so much. I wish I could forget how my parents have reacted when I have tried in the past. It sounds terrible, but sometimes I wish they weren’t here so that I could kill myself without worrying about upsetting people. I do still think they would be better off without me, but I don’t think they would be able to see that. I just feel so terrible, and I can’t think of any reason to be alive at the moment except for other people. And I don’t know how much longer I can live for other people. I don’t remember the last time I wouldn’t have wanted to die. Why would it be more selfish of me to kill myself, than it is other people keeping me alive? I hate myself so much. I feel so disgusting. Repulsive. And so ashamed of myself. Even whilst I am sitting here writing this I feel so aware of how big my thighs are and it is making me so uncomfortable and disgusting that I am crying. I just want to slice bits off them. I feel hideous letting people see me like this. Just thinking about it makes me feel so sick. I hate myself for letting my weight be so important to me. I know that if I was losing weight I would still feel like shit, and I would still feel suicidal, but that on top of everything else is just too much for me. I just want a break so much. I just want a little while of not feeling like this. Of not having to fight with myself all the time. And if I was losing weight at least it would be one thing less to upset me. I would do anything right now. I can’t even express how desperate I feel. I keep thinking about next week and when I could kill myself and how. It is so appealing.

Various ramblings

Supersize vs Superskinny. Why do I do it to myself? New series tonight, and naturally I had to watch. I know I find it triggering. I know that it upsets me without fail. I know the 'superskinny' people are too thin, but all I feel is jealousy. Why can't I look like that? Then I always eat when I am watching it. Oh the irony.

My weight is still a big issue. I can't stop gaining and it is terrifying me. I haven't been this heavy for a long time - I think the last time was probably in 2006. There was a time in 2008 when I wasn't much lighter than this, but I can't have got as big as this, because there were clothes that fitted me then that don't now. My wardrobe has literally been limited to 2 skirts and 1 pair of trousers (that are on the verge of being too tight) and some tops. I find this very distressing. As you would really. And I just don't know what to do about it. It sounds pathetic, but I am feeling more and more suicidal, and I know my weight is contributing to that a lot. I feel like if I don't start losing weight soon I am not going to be able to stop myself acting on the thoughts. Absolutely everything is triggering me and upsetting me. I am really desperate.

Dance has been a bit of a problem the last few weeks. Quite a few years ago I had pretty severe shin splints, and had to have a while off dancing, and couldn't jump for about a year because it would just set them off again. Even walking was really painful. They were caused by a combination of my feet rolling in and dancing on a concrete floor. I managed to get rid of them again, and corrected my rolling in. However, the last month or so I have felt my shins starting to become uncomfortable again when I jump, and by last night they were getting quite painful. I am still very aware of them today, they still feel uncomfortable. I suppose I will have to start elevating and icing them every day like I used to, but I am kind of bothered about them because I don't know what has caused them. I don't think I roll in anymore, and I dance on lovely sprung floors, so that isn't the problem. I got a bit upset last night because I was talking about it with my mum, and she asked if it could have been my weight gain that has caused them. That is very unlikely, so that isn't what upset me - it was someone else acknowledging my weight gain that upset me. I don't want people to lie to me and pretend I look the same, because I know I don't, but being asked if my weight gain could have caused a dance injury is upsetting. For the record, although I have gained a lot of weight (about 22lbs), my BMI is currently 21.1, so I am not actually overweight. I really feel it though.

I was supposed to be seeing Dr E tomorrow, but I had a call today saying that it had been cancelled as she is off ill. That's a bit of a buggar, because I am supposed to see her once a month at the moment, and it is already 2 months since I have seen her, as I was supposed to see her 1 month ago, but I rung 6 weeks to rearrange that as I couldn't get there, and I didn't get another appointment offered until the one tomorrow, which has now been cancelled, so I am hoping it isn't another 6 weeks before I get given another one. I am seeing N tomorrow, I didn't see her last week as she couldn't fit me in. I am not looking forward to that, as basically I see her to get me out the house, and I really don't want to leave the house at the moment. I don't want to have to get dressed, and I don't want anyone to see me. I just can't do this. I am seeing L on thursday, but she is seeing me at home this week as she had a course on the day I usually see her, and it is difficult for me to get there other days. I am just relieved I won't have to leave the house as much. Although I am seeing my GP friday, so I will have to go out for that. Buggar. I had forgotten about that. I just want to hide and not let anyone see me at the moment.

No no no no no no NO. I can't do this. I feel so fucking shit. I hate myself so much. I didn't want to write anything because I didn't want to just write self pitying drivel every time I wrote anything, but I needed to do something.

I should be happy. I have had good news this week. But even when things that should be good happen, I just see all the negatives.

Everything is bad. Sleep is bad. Weight is hideous. Concentration is crap. Motivation is non existant. Suicidal thoughts are rampant. Self esteem is at the bottom of a well somewhere. I can cope with 1 or 2 of these things being bad. I really can't deal with the whole lot. The continuing saga of my weight is still a massive problem. It makes me feel more suicidal. It makes me ashamed to leave the house. It makes me not even want to get out of bed, because walking makes me too aware of my thighs. So I lay in bed. And get fatter. Which makes me feel more worthless. More suicidal. And so it goes on.

I just want to scream and cry and shout and cut and overdose and punch things. I feel utterly overwhelmed.

I hate everyone. I really feel like everyone is against me. They all want me to be fat. Why do they want me to be fat? They know how shit it makes me feel. So why won't they give me the one fucking thing that helped me control my weight? Maybe they want me to kill myself. One person off the case load. I am so angry. Fucking furious actually. I just don't understand.

Now I am crying. I just don't know what to do. I feel so desperate, and so alone. I feel completely trapped by my mood and my weight. I can't do this. I just want to make everything stop.

Night time

I can't sleep. So I am looking at hotels in New York. And Boston. I seem to be planning to travel. Or kill myself. Feel shit. Seeing L tomorrow. Tired. Was about to have a Diazepam but remembered I did actually have one about half an hour ago. Probably best not to have more. Wish I wasn't here. Useless. Fat. Horrible. Worthless. Need it to stop. Need control. Need something.

Cake

So it didn't turn out perfectly, but it tasted delicious! I wanted to write 'Happy Mother's Day' on it, but my writing with icing skills aren't very developed, so I decided to stick with 'Mummy' on the basis that it was shorter...



After we had eaten some. You can see the white icing in the middle.

Mother's Day

I am making a cake. For Mother's Day. A chocolate cake. When I say making, that might be a tiny bit misleading. I cheated. I bought one of those Betty Crocker Devil's Food Cake mixes. I should have made it from scratch, I know. But the thing is I am a perfectionist. And cakes frustrate me. Sometimes I have made delicious chocolate cakes that have been very very moist and lovely. But sometimes they just end up a bit dry. From exactly the same recipe. The unpredictability frustrates me. So I bought a mix. I have used this mix before, several times, and the cake has always been to die for, and I wanted the cake to be perfect. It is in the oven at the moment. I hope it will be perfect. I did not buy the icing though. I will make the icing. 2 colours. Normal icing will go in the middle and be used for the piping (yeah.. that bit is worrying me too). Chocolate icing will go on the top and sides. Buttercream. Yummy! And then I bought Cadbury buttons, and Milkybar buttons to put around the piping. Alternate. I may even attempt to write on it if I am feeling really adventurous. I want it to look very pretty.

There is of course an obvious problem with this cake. I adore cake. I will eat at least half of this cake, and then bemoan my weight gain. Which is still continuining by the way. Passed 9 stone today. I cried. Then started making a cake. I know this is a stupid thing to do. But I wanted to do something for my mum, and we love cake. I have still been doing the food diary. I might stop though. I find it distressing when in the evening I look at what I have eaten that day and think it has been enough to lose, or at least just maintain, and then when I wake up the next day I have gained. I basically seem unable to eat more than 1000kcals without gaining.

I have been feeling really shit. Very suicidal. Lots of difficult thoughts. Very much back into planning again. Right now I couldn't say whether I will act on it or not. If I do it won't be in the next couple of days anyway, they are impractical for various reasons. But I am finding it harder and harder to keep going.

If my cake looks good I shall take photos and post them later. If there are no photos then it has all gone disastrously wrong. Or I have forgotten to take photos.

Today

I spoke to L earlier. I was very upset and distressed, and cried most of the time. She really wants me to start going for a walk every day to get me out the house, and also to try and sort out my metabolism so that I am not getting so distressed about my weight. The trouble is, I have issued with walking, and got seriously panicky about it. It is completely and utterly irrational, but I find walking on my own (well, with the dog, but without other people) really scary. Just her talking about it made me start to have a little panic attack. I always get paranoid that somebody is following me, and spend the whole time looking over my shoulder and getting increasingly worked up about the whole bloody thing. She also wants me to try and aim to maintain my weight, rather than obsess with losing it, but this is an absolute impossibility for me at the moment, and the mention of it caused minor hysterics. She said to write down what I was thinking/feeling and to email it to her, so I did that, and thought I would copy it here, mostly for my own reference.

'I hate myself. All I can think about is how useless I am, and how I can’t do anything right. My weight is really getting me down. People say that being thin doesn’t make you happy, and that is true, I have not been happy when I have been at lower weights, but it has been one less thing to upset me. At the moment I am finding my weight so distressing, and it stops me from wanting anybody to see me, so I am avoiding seeing people even more than I usually would. I am ashamed of myself for letting myself get so massive, and I feel completely worthless for not being able to lose the weight. I so desperately want to lose weight. I don’t even need to go as low as I was last year, I could cope with maintaining in the low 8st range, but I can’t cope with my weight being as high as it is now. There are things I think about doing, and then just can’t because I can’t let people see me like this. I can’t bear the thought of people seeing me like this. I really feel grotesque. I am not going to go to ballet any more until I have lost weight. It makes me feel too horrible. I hated it last night – the whole lesson I just wanted to get out of there.

So I know I am partly feeling bad about my weight, but I really don’t know why else. I feel like such a horrible person at the moment, I am so irritable and I am snapping and screaming at my parents over tiny things, that don’t even matter. I can't spend more than a couple of minutes with them without losing it and screaming and shouting at them. And I get angry with them, and then I get angry with me for being such a bitch. I feel completely worthless. I really don’t want to be alive. I am a failure, and I keep going in this stupid fucking deluded way hoping that maybe one day things will get better, but they never do, they get worse. I don’t think I have ever hated myself as much as I do now. I have never felt so useless. I really feel like I can’t do anything, that I am not good at anything, that I am a horrible person, that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here. I feel so pathetic for not even being able to go out for a walk on my own. Useless. I keep getting these little pictures flashing into my head of me slashing at myself with a blade, or overdosing. I want to hurt myself. I hate myself. I can’t think properly, it just goes back to that. Nothing else matters. I want to die.'

She seems to be leaning quite strongly towards me going back on anti depressants, but who knows what Dr E will think, as she always seems quite strongly against me taking medication, due to the whole 'You have a personality disorder so medication won't help you' line. Not due to see her for a couple of weeks anyway. At this rate I don't feel like I will be here by then, but who knows. I am really hungry. It is so tempting to just go and raid the kitchen and eat whatever the hell I like since it doesn't seem to make any fucking difference how careful I am about what I eat, I still gain. But I really don't know what I will do in the morning if I have gained again, I was so upset by it today. So I won't eat anything else. I will just have to try and sleep. I am so bloody exhausted. Not tired as such, just emotionally completely drained, I feel like I have nothing left.

Blah

I am really struggling. I don't really know why. I feel very emotional. Very tired all the time. I had the one night where I got to sleep at 1, but I still didn't sleep well, then the next night I got to sleep about half 4 and again slept badly, then last night was quite disturbed again. So lack of sleep probably isn't helping. My weight is getting me down enormously. I have been trying to be careful with what I have been eating, and am certainly nowhere near 2000kcal a day, but anything I manage to lose on a day when I really restrict goes straight back on if I actually eat. Feeling very suicidal. Hate myself. Feel like I am a disgusting, repulsive person, both physically and inside.

A small triumph

I got to sleep at 1am last night! Goodness knows how, as I didn't wake up until 3pm, but I felt tired so I thought I would have a Diazepam so my thoughts weren't too over the place, and try to sleep, but I didn't really think it would work, but it did! First time I have been asleep before 6am for weeks! I realise this does not seem a big deal, but I was quite pleased with myself.

I am still keeping up with the food diary. I have done it for 5 days now. It is hard to be honest - when I eat something that I feel like I shouldn't have it is very tempting to just not write it down, as though it will then have had no calories in it, but I know that isn't actually going to help, so I have been very honest - everything that has passed my lips has been written down. Except water, because that seems pointless.

Saw L this morning. Talked briefly about the food diary. Mine and hers. She seemed to find it quite difficult, which let's face it - it is. Writing down every single thing that you eat is hard. Those little tiny snacks that you had, that you would usually forget about when thinking about what you ate that day are all written down in black and white (well, purple and white in my case - I tend to write in purple). I am finding I am eating less on average than I have been recently, because every time I go to eat something I am very aware that I will have to write it down. Anyway, she wants me to carry on doing it until I see her next tuesday, so I have another week of it to go. Showing what I had eaten was a bit hard, as I feel embarassed, and like I will be judged on it, but I think that this was made easier by her having to show me hers as well.

I have decided I definitely have issues with exercise. It is shit really. Sure it burns calories, but it makes me so hungry that I end up eating more calories than I have burnt off. Somewhat counter productive really.

Seeing N tomorrow. Need to remember to get something for my Mum for Mothers Day when I am with her, as I won't have another opportunity to get out really. Well, I could if I wanted to I suppose, but I won't. I don't like leaving the house.

Long, probably boring, ramblings

For some reason I felt a bit nervous about seeing L today. There was absolutely no reason why I should feel like this - she has never given me any reason whatsoever not to trust her, or to feel awkward talking to her in anyway - she has always been incredibly supportive whatever I have thrown at her. I think it was just because it had been so long since I had seen her - 3 and a half weeks - and I find gaps like that difficult to deal with. She did actually ring this morning and say that she had had a couple of cancellations, so she had more time and so could do a home visit if I wanted, as she knew I was struggling and finding it hard to get out the house, but I said I would see her at the CMHT as planned, because my Mum has fridays off work and I don't feel comfortable talking when she is in the house. But the fact that she had thought of that and rung and asked me did make me feel less tense about seeing her.

Also I am feeling so self conscious at the moment because of my weight that I am finding anything that involves people very difficult, as it feels like everyone is going to be looking at me and judging me, which again is irrational, but I can't help thinking it. I am constantly so aware of how much bigger I am, that it feels like everyone else must be noticing it too, even people who I walk past in the street and have never met. L said something about people seeing me as slim if they looked at me, and it upset me a bit because I feel like there is absolutely no way that could possibly be true. 20lbs ago, maybe, but not now. I realised last night that bar 1lb I have gained a fifth of my body weight, or rather a fifth of what my body weight was. A friend who knows all of this keeps trying to tell me I look the same, and that I don't look like I have gained anything, and whilst I know she means well in saying this and is trying to make me feel better, it frustrates me. I have gained at least 2 clothes sizes, 20lbs, my BMI has gone up by 3.3. There is clearly absolutely no way I look the same, it is completely impossible - that is a significant ammount of weight gain. I know that she means well, but I would rather she was either honest or didn't say anything - I hate being humoured, even if it is with good intentions.

One of the things to come out of my session with L today is that I am going to keep a dreaded food diary. She mentioned this to me a few weeks ago on the phone, and said she would bring it to my next session, but that was the one that was cancelled because she was off sick, and then she was on leave, so we didn't talk about it any further until today. It is your fairly typical food diary format - columns for time, food eaten, whether it was a meal/snack/binge, any compensatory measures taken, and then the opposite page is for thoughts/feelings about that days intake. I do hate food diaries. I find them really difficult to fill in - from a practical point of view because I tend to forget them, but primarily because I feel like I will be judged on what I write down in them. I have always found that keeping a food diary makes me think a lot more about what I eat - if I am going to eat something it crosses my mind that if I do so I will have to write it down, so I think more about whether I really do want it or not, which at the moment is a good thing, as I am trying to lose weight, but I always wonder if they don't make things worse when people are already restricting. But that is beside the point. For clarification, the reason she has suggested it is not because she is saying I should lose weight, but because she thinks I need more structure in my life, and to feel in control of thing (generally, not just with food), and as food and weight are one of the major things bothering me at the moment she sees that as a good place to start. I was possibly a bit challenging over the food diary, primarily because I am scared that she will look at what I am eating and think that it is no wonder I am gaining weight, and that I deserve to be fat eating like I am. Which again, I know is bollocks - she is the last person who would judge me on what I am eating, but I still feel embarassed every time I write something down. When I was talking about finding it difficult she said that she had never done one and that maybe she should, so in the end we agreed that I would do it if she would as well. I am seeing her on tuesday next week, so it is only a few days until then, so I am really going to try hard to keep up with it. I know that showing it to her will be the hard part, but I am hoping that just the act of writing down everything I eat and knowing that someone will be seeing it will help me to eat less, and at less stupid times (ie the middle of the night).

My sleep is still bad. I don't remember the last time I got to sleep before about 6AM. I am hoping tonight will be an improvement on that, as I was actually awake more of the day - I got up at half 12 (yes, I know that is half way through the day, but it is better than 3), and I had also been awake in the morning because it woke me up when L called and I couldn't get back to sleep for about 45 mins, so I didn't get that much sleep last night, which means I am hoping I will be able to get to sleep earlier tonight. As it is already 3:15AM it is obviously not going to be early, but any improvement would be good.

On that note I think I will go and attempt to sleep. This has been rather long and tedious - well done if you reached the end!

I'm not okay

I am not feeling very good. I think things started slipping maybe 4 or 5 days ago, but I have been busy pretending that if I ignore it then it will go away. Sadly not working. The last couple of days I have been feeling worse and am having to admit to myself that I seem to be entering another bad patch. I don't know what has caused it. I never do. That frustrates me a lot. I would of course have to be a complete moron not to realise that my unhappiness over my weight is contributing to my low mood. I want to cry every time I become aware of my body. Have been purging again this last month. Not often, but it isn't good to even be doing it again semi regularly having not done it at all for so long. It can't just be my weight making me feel like this though, as I haven't actually gained anything in the time that I have noticed things getting worse. I feel very alone at the moment. It almost feels like I am in a bubble and cut off from everyone else. I feel very slowed down too, I can't think properly. My sleep is very bad. I suppose the fact that I am writing this at 6am shows that. Even when I do get to sleep I am waking up a lot. I don't remember the last time when I had a good sleep that I actually woke up from feeling refreshed. I wake up exhausted every day. My thoughts are becoming increasingly intrusive again. Feeling very hopeless and overwhelmed by it all really.

It probably isn't helping that I haven't seen L for a long time. It is 3 weeks now, and I am not seeing her until friday, which feels like a long way away at the moment. And I think I have only spoken to her on the phone once in that time, whereas usually I see her for about an hour and a half, and call and talk to her if I am not feeling too good.

Not sure what to do with myself really. Try again to sleep I suppose.

'Life is funny
But not ha ha funny
Peculiar I guess
You think I got it all going my way
Then why am I such a fucking mess?'
- 3 Speed, Eels