Pressured and wanting advice

I am feeling quite pressured at the moment. Well, I have been for a few months actually. I am not sure what to do. It is about my future etc. Obviously people often ask me what I do, and I have to say nothing. They ask what I want to do and I say perform. Then sometimes they ask if I want to go to drama school and I say yes. They ask if I am applying. And that is where I am not sure. I have applied in the past, and had final recalls but not places. Getting a place on an accredited course at a drama school is tough - most of them take between 1% and 4% of applicants per year, so obviously it is stiff competition. But that isn't really the issue. I don't mind doing auditions - sometimes I even quite enjoy them, and if I don't get a place I can reapply - that is almost the expected thing to do. The issue is if I got a place, realistically would I be well enough to take it? It is really long hours - 50 contact hours a week would be the minimum, and usually it would be a lot more than that. And a lot of pressure. And I think you really have to be pretty stable to cope. It isn't unusual for people who have previously been fine to end up having breakdowns and having to leave. People assume that performing is just a nice, fun, light, easy thing to do, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

So every year I have the dilemma of whether I think I would be well enough to go the next September if I were to get a place, and therefore whether or not to apply. Last year I couldn't - I was having all the problems with my voice, and so it didn't even come up. But now that is resolved to a large extent I am back to not knowing what to do. There surely has to be a limit to how many years I can sit at home doing nothing, but when nothing has changed in terms of how I feel etc, how can I expect to be able to switch to doing something very demanding, with very long hours? My mum is taking it as a given that I will be applying for drama school this year. She keeps asking me if I have got my audition pieces sorted and if I have sent off my forms etc yet. My singing teacher who I saw in the summer for my voice asked if I was going to be applying when I saw her. The general expectation from people seems to be that I will apply, which is understandable really because you aren't meant to just do nothing, and performing is the only thing I have ever wanted to do. But I don't know what to do. I can't imagine being able to cope with it, but then will I ever be able to?

I am not getting any younger. If I did apply and get a place for next September, I would be 25 when I started. That isn't that young. Ok for acting, starting to be quite old for musical theatre. Still ok, but definitely on the old side. Already too old for dance based musical theatre. So there is time pressure there. Everyone gives me the whole 'you're young, you can do whatever you want, you have your whole life ahead of you' line, but that is only true to an extent with performing. And that is the only thing I have ever wanted to do. I just want to be better. I want to be able to cope with things in the way that everyone else does. I don't want 'could I cope with this?' to be the thing running through my head at auditions. And it always is. It isn't just the course. That would be a lot of work and very stressful of course, but there is more to it than that. It would mean moving out. Having to look after myself properly. Having to flat share with other people. That would be really hard. If there weren't immaculately clean in the kitchen then I wouldn't go near it, which could be a problem. There are so many things that could be a problem.

I don't know what to do. Performing really is the only thing I have ever wanted to do. I was looking at prospecti from drama schools from when I was about 11, desperately wanting be 18 so I could go there. But by that time everything had gone wrong. And it has never been right since. If I can't do this then I don't know what I can do. It sounds really melodramatic, but if I am not going to achieve the only thing I have ever wanted to do then I really don't see the point in being alive. There is a 1 week course the week after Carousel at one of the colleges in London that I was planning to do, but thinking about it terrifies me. Not the course itself as such, but being away, having to live with other people for the week, how I would cope etc. And if I can't even cope with the thought of a one week course, then applying for 3 year courses seems fairly ridiculous. I really don't know what to do. If I decide not to apply this year I don't know how to explain it to people, and I also worry that I go through this every single year, and nothing ever actually changes, and I don't know how it ever will. I could tell my mum, and anyone else who asks, that I am not going to be applying this year, but ultimately that isn't actually going to solve anything. I am still going to be left in this weird limbo where I can't cope with doing the only thing that I have ever wanted to do, and can't see how I can change things to make myself able to do it. And if this is going to be my life then I don't want it.

I honestly don't know what to do. Do I a) get on with it and do the applications and auditions and see how I get on and then decide (expensive due to audition fees but an option) b) Force myself to do this 1 week course in a few weeks and see how I cope with that, even though the thought of it currently absolutely terrifies me. There is an alternative 4 day course that I could commute to daily, but to an extent that would defeat the object as living away is a large part of it, plus the other college is somewhere I would want to apply to - this one would just be doing it to work on skills, c) accept that I am not going find a miracle cure in 11 months and leave it all for this year and maybe every other year too, and accept that realistically this isn't something that I am going to be able to do, or d) other. Please reply with your thoughts. I really genuinely would like as many opinions as possible, and what you think I should do - a, b, c, or a suggestion you have? So even if you don't usually comment, I would really appreciate it if you would reply to this. You can even comment if you don't have an account - I have anonymous commenting enabled. Thank you.

Sleeplessness

I cannot fucking cope with this lack of sleep. I slept for about 3 and a half hours last night, have now been awake for 17 and a half hours, have taken a Diazepam and a Zopiclone, and I still can't sleep. It is 3:30am. I spent the whole day absolutely exhausted and have been feeling completely drained and really shit, and now I can't sleep. I am desperate to sleep, and I am exhausted, but just not sleepy. I don't know what to do. I am too tired to even think straight, and yet I can't sleep. Last night I was exhausted and yet still couldn't sleep until 6:15am, and even then kept waking up. Admittedly I hadn't had a Zopiclone then, just a Diazepam, as I needed to be able to get up this morning, but I still spent the night incredibly tired and yet unable to sleep. I was so convinced that if I didn't nap at all today that I would sleep well tonight, but no. I feel like my body is betraying me in every way it can - first not losing weight despite eating an amount that should have made me lose a good half pound, and now not being able to sleep despite being completely exhausted. I feel like crying, but I am too bloody knackered.

Run down

I am feeling completely exhausted. I just could not get to sleep last night. I tried everything but sleep just wasn't happening. I finally managed to get to sleep about 6:15 I think, and woke up several times, and then had to get up at 10, so only got about 3 and a half hours sleep, which is obviously far from enough. So I have been really exhausted all day. I saw L at 11, then had a physio appointment at 2:30, so met up with a friend for a couple of hours between. My friend and I had just gone into Costa when L came in with someone else from the CMHT, and then a little bit later 2 other members of the CMHT staff came in, including the twat, so I spent lots of time sending evil vibes across the room at him.

The physio appointment was a little bit disappointing. It was fine, but I wanted the impossible I suppose - some instant, miracle cure that meant I would be fixed overnight. She felt it and got me to do a few things, and said the muscle going all the way down the right side of my back was inflamed and had gone into a spasm. She gave it a massage etc, but there wasn't really that much else she could do. There isn't much I can do except keep taking the anti inflammatory tablets and rest it, and do some gentle stretches to keep it mobile. She said that in a few days the anti inflammatory tablets should start to make more of a difference and I would be able to go back to doing gentle dancing, but no lifts or anything that will strain it until it is completely recovered. Hopefully that will be within a week, which is really pushing it with the show, as that puts it to only a week before the first performance, but there really isn't anything I can do about it, which is shit. I need to be really careful not to do too much and push it too hard, or she said I will just end up inflaming it again and it will take even longer to heal. Bad timing.

I didn't go to rehearsal tonight. I should have gone, because even though I can't dance I could still have done my acting scenes. But I just felt so exhausted and drained and low, and my back has been aching a lot, and I am just feeling really run down - I now have 3 mouth ulcers. I phoned the Assistant Director and said that my back was really hurting, and was meaning that I wasn't sleeping well (ok, slight lie as it isn't my back stopping me from sleeping, but white lies don't hurt anyone!) and so I was just really exhausted and run down etc, and so I didn't think I would be able to make the rehearsal tonight, and she said it sounded like it would be better for me to stay home and rest and hopefully I would feel better by the rehearsal Thursday. I am exhausted, but not sleepy, so don't know how likely it will be that I sleep well, but I really hope I do. Tomorrow should be a quiet day, as I won't be able to go to ballet in the evening (weight won't be happy about that), and that was the only thing I was supposed to be doing, so hopefully I will be able to relax a little.

My friend who is coming to stay on Friday just uploaded a new profile picture on Facebook, and she looks so ill. I think worse than I have ever seen her. I am really concerned about her, and also obviously worried about her staying. I wish she could see how ill she is. And I really wish that she could get the help she needs. I am worried that she is going to die before a bed becomes available for her.

I was really upset by my weight today. I had eaten an amount yesterday that I was absolutely convinced would have meant my weight would be lower today, and it was exactly the same. I was really upset and stressed by that. It made me feel really out of control, because I had eaten an amount that should have lead to weight loss, and it didn't, so now what do I do? So all in all it has been a bit of a crappy day really....

Various thoughts

I am not going to be able to go to ballet again tonight. My back is too bad, and whilst there are probably some things I could do, it would be pretty stupid to risk making it even worse. It is pretty painful the whole time - I can't find any position at all that is comfortable for it. The painkillers don't seem to make any difference whatsoever. The only thing to give me any relief is Tiger Balm, but it doesn't seem to help long term - just for the half hour after I put it on. As a result I am fairly grumpy. I don't like being in pain. I don't like having to miss ballet. I don't like knowing I have 2 weeks until Carousel opens, that the pas de deux still needs loads of work and I currently can't dance at all, let alone being chucked around in pas de deux. It is really quite concerning actually. I am going to go and see the physio tomorrow and hope that they perform some miracle cure. Which is obviously fairly unlikely, but if I can't get back to rehearsing properly over the next few days then I am seriously up shit creek. I really thought it would be completely better by now - it didn't hurt so much when I did it that I should be in this much pain a week later.

Not being able to dance makes me feel even worse about my weight. I had lost a little bit this morning but barely enough worth mentioning. I didn't eat that much yesterday - I was quite careful, but obviously not careful enough. It is difficult because I am meant to eat before taking the anti inflamatory tablets, and I am meant to take them first thing when I wake up and then 12 hours after that. The evening isn't a problem, as I am an evening eater, but I really have issues with eating when I wake up. Today I have to admit I didn't eat before taking them. I just can't make myself eat when I am not hungry, or don't feel like I need, particularly when I know I am not going to be burning any calories dancing. So I've not eaten yet today, which probably isn't that great for me really, but the weight gain of last week made me feel so terrible, and I just cannot cope with that, so I have to get my weight down somehow, even if that is through unhealthy methods. It is difficult because when I feel really depressed I do tend to comfort eat, and that obviously does lead to weight gain, which makes me feel even worse, so I need to stop myself from comfort eating even if I am feeling really shit, because it really does make my mood worse overall.

I am also a little stressed about eating, because my friend who came over in July is coming to stay again on Friday. She is really very ill with anorexia - her BMI is 13, and she purges and abuses laxatives as well, so she really is seriously ill. It is difficult to cope with being with someone who barely eats anything at all - partly because obviously I am very concerned about her health; I know that this could easily kill her, and that is scary. It is also hard because I know that there is no way at all that she would eat anything when I am not, so I feel like I have to eat at the right times to set a good example, but that is difficult for me to do - partly because I am not comfortable eating at those times, partly because it is inevitable that it will lead to weight gain and I can't cope with that, and also because it makes me feel really greedy to be eating so much in comparison to her, even though I know that she is very ill and obviously not eating enough. But I find it hard to eat when someone else isn't, and yet feel like I have to eat regularly so that she feels able to when she can. I was quite concerned about her coming over, as although she is a good friend, and I love seeing her, it does feel like quite a lot of pressure on me, both because I am concerned about her, and on my own eating habits. But if she didn't come here she was going to go and stay in London on her own, and I would have been even more worried about her then, and I do like seeing her, so I said she could come here. So she will be here from Friday until Tuesday. I just desperately don't want to gain weight, and really don't think I could cope with it, and I just don't see how I can avoid it so I am quite scared about that.

Bit of a wreck

I really hate myself. After the pound I gained overnight the other day, I have since managed to gain another one. 2 pounds weight gain in half a week is completely shit and unacceptable. It makes me want to scream and shout and cry.  I am supposed to be losing weight, not bloody gaining. I wish my weight didn't get to me like this, but it does. Gaining 2 pounds is enough to make me feel completely overwhelmed and desperate and really bring out the suicidal thoughts in full force. My head is screaming at me how useless and disgusting I am, and how I have no self control and what a waste of space I am and how I don't deserve to live.

I feel like a bit of a wreck at the moment. Obviously I am feeling shit depression wise and sleeping really badly. Then my back is hurting a lot, my shins splints are causing a lot of problems, and I can feel about 4 mouth ulcers developing. I seem to just be falling apart a bit. My back doesn't seem to be getting any better at all, despite it being nearly a week since I hurt it.

I managed to read a book. Admittedly it was a children's book (well, maybe teenage) but I got through it, and it was the first book I have been able to read for over a month now. Unfortunately I don't think I can put it down to an improvement in concentration as I don't seem to be able to read anything else, and actually if I am completely honest spent most of the book pretty confused as I couldn't remember which character was which, but I just kept going anyway. I would like to read it again when I actually have enough concentration to appreciate it. I get really frustrated with myself. I feel like my brain has just turned into cotton wool. It doesn't work properly any more. I think it is broken. All of me seems to be right now, but I don't think my brain is fixable.

Back

So my back is still very painful. It was feeling quite a lot better yesterday, so I hoped that as long as I didn't do anything too extreme it would be ok at rehearsal. It wasn't. The first (and only) time my partner tried to pick me up I yelled out in a lot of pain, and that was the end of that. It is now back to being as bad as it was on Monday when I first did it. The lovely girl playing my mother in the show presented me with a pot of Tiger Balm at rehearsal, which does feel so unbelievably good when I put it on, but I don't know if it is actually helping. I phoned a physio earlier and asked what I should do, and was told to rest it, keep taking Ibuprofen and to ice it. I am really thinking it is much too cold for ice and that Tiger Balm or a hot water bottle would be a much better idea?! Anyway, she said to see how it is feeling by Monday, try a couple of things and see if it is hurting, and if it isn't better then to go in, so I have booked an appointment for Tuesday, which I can then cancel if it is better by then. Which I am really hoping it will be, since I have 2 and a half weeks until the show and the pas de deux needs so much rehearsal time still. I saw Dr O this afternoon, and she gave me some stronger painkillers/anti inflammatorys so hopefully they will help. She asked if I had been putting anything on it, and I said Tiger Balm - she said hot water bottles were good. I said about the physio saying I should ice it, and she said 'That sounds a really masochistic thing to do in this weather - I would totally go for the hot water bottle!' I think I am going to go that route....

Wading through treacle

I am getting really frustrated with this tiredness. I got about 10 hours of sleep last night, which is about optimum for me, and still woke up feeling exhausted. Just opening my eyes feels like too much effort. The day took a rapid nose dive when I weighed myself and discovered I had gained a pound overnight. I really don't know how. I didn't even have *that* much to eat yesterday - I was expecting to have maintained, or perhaps gained 0.2 or maybe 0.4 of a pound. Not a whole bloody pound. So naturally I feel like complete shit. I then had to drag myself out of bed and get dressed because of having to look after my nephew. Thankfully it was only for about 40 minutes today, although it definitely felt like longer. I am supposed to go to a Carousel rehearsal tonight, but I don't know whether I am going to or not. Obviously I should, but knowing that I have the excuse of a bad back, and could therefore get out of it, is incredibly tempting. Yesterday I was planning not to go tonight, because I thought doing lifts etc would just be too much for my back. Today however, it is actually feeling quite a lot better, and I therefore could actually go, and just not do anything that I thought would really aggravate it. I just don't want to... I don't want to do anything. I am tired, I have a headache, I feel awful about my weight, I can't concentrate on anything. I need a way out of feeling like this, and I don't know how I can find one, except the obvious. There is nothing that could possibly happen in my life that would make feeling like this ok. I could never feel good enough to make these bad patches worth going through. And I suppose that is essentially the problem, and why I have so many suicidal thoughts. Because even if someone could promise me that after say 1 more year, I would never feel like this again in my life, I still wouldn't want to be alive. I would still want to kill myself. Even if they could make it 6 months. 1 month. The time frame is irrelevant. I just don't want to be here, and even if I felt ok, I still wouldn't want to be here. I think maybe some people just aren't supposed to be alive, and I am one of them.

Ballet

I am having a really shitty evening. Well, it has been a bit of a crappy day really, but the evening has been particularly difficult. I had decided to go to ballet because I thought at least it would give me a bit of a distraction for a while. But then it all went a bit wrong because my dad had to take the car today, as his was in for MOT, and he didn't think I was going to go to ballet because of my back, so he was going to be a bit late getting home (although I could just about have still got there) and my mum had a lot to do and so it would be better if I didn't go. Even though I knew dancing with a bad back wouldn't be the brightest thing to do, not going upset me for some reason. I am not sure why. Most of the time I don't even want to go - I go because I feel like I should. I am good at obligations and committments. If I have said I will do something then I will. But not going tonight bothered me, and I am trying to work out why. I think it is partly the calorie/weight thing. Not dancing when I was 'supposed' to, ie on a day when I regularly dance, made me feel like I shouldn't eat because I wouldn't be burning off the calories to earn the food. And then of course I did eat and felt very guilty. Also, despite the fact I don't want to go most of the time, I think maybe ballet sometimes calms me down a bit. Other times it frustrates me enormously because I can't do things the way I want to be able to do them, and I get angry with myself, plus of course there is the neverending nightmare of being in a leotard and tights in front of a mirror, but despite all of that I think maybe it calms me down a bit.

There is just something about being in class at the barre, and the music starting for plies, and just kind of moving onto auto pilot and tension just kind of leaving your body. Not having to think about anything more complex than whether you are turned out to your full extent, and whether you are pulled up as much as you can, and whether you are working through your feet as much as possible, and whether you can get your leg that little bit higher when you feel like you have reached your maximum and whether your arm is in exactly the right position or if it needs to be slightly more rounded or more supported or your fingers more extended, and whether your head is turned exactly to where it should be and no further. All little, tiny things that sound so unimportant and insignificant, but when you are trying to think about them all at the same time, plus many, many other things besides, actually take an awful lot of concentration. And all with a lovely serene look on your face. Sure, you can just ignore it all and bullshit your way through class the best as you can whilst thinking about how shit you feel, but even if you know the exercises inside out and think nobody will notice, they will. For sure. Because ballet is about perfection, and perfection takes a lot of effort, even when doing the simplest of exercises. The hardest thing about it for me is realising that I will never achieve that perfection - that no matter how many hours a week I danced, and no matter how hard I worked, I would never have flat turnout, or anything approaching it, and that I will never have 180 degree extensions, and so many other things that make amazing dancers. It is hard for a perfectionist to accept they will never achieve perfection, in a discipline that demands it. It is particularly hard knowing that it is my body stopping me from achieving these things. My body that I hate.

Sometimes I don't know why I dance. The reason I always give is that I need to be able to dance well for musical theatre. Which is true. But on days like today, when I was supposed to dance but couldn't, I wonder if maybe it is more than that. I can't say I enjoy it, because that wouldn't be true, but then I don't enjoy anything. But of everything I can think of, it is probably the thing that is most likely to be able to distract me from how I am feeling. Not always in a good way. Sometimes I will get so frustrated with myself for not being able to do something that I want to scream and shout and cry and throw a tantrum. But at least if I am upset over my inability to do a good pirouette, I am not thinking about suicide. And when I am going through a patch with constant suicidal thoughts, then even thinking other negative things about myself comes as a relief. So maybe sometimes I dance to try and give myself a bit of a break. It doesn't always work, and it never works completely, but even partial relief makes a big difference. Plus of course it is something timetabled into my week, that I expect to do, and I don't like disruption to plans.

I didn't understand why I spent an hour and a half lying in the dark feeling like absolute shit earlier when I couldn't go to ballet. Maybe now I do, or to at least some extent. And maybe that explains why even when I am feeling really, really terrible, and am desperately suicidal and in the middle of crisis, I still try and drag myself out of bed and to my ballet classes. And most of the time I manage it. However much I don't feel like going, however exhausted I am, however little sleep I have had, however much I just want to stay in bed - I still try and go. And I have never known why, apart from my normal not liking to duck out of committments thing. I suspect that come Monday, I won't want to go again, but at least now I know a little of why I push myself to do something that I don't feel like doing so often. Because it is better to have a break from the thoughts even if for only a minute at a time, than no break at all. And when my concentration is bad, then nothing else gives me any break at all.

'We dance for laughter, we dance for tears, we dance for madness, we dance for fears, we dance for hopes, we dance for screams, we are the dancers, we create the dreams.' - Anonymous

Fed up

I don't know what I am doing with myself today. I am really finding this lack of concentration hard. I don't know what to do about ballet tonight. I was intending not to go because of hurting my back the other day. But it is feeling slightly better today, although it is still uncomfortable. I suppose I just don't know what else to do with myself if I don't go. Dancing on an injury isn't the brightest thing to do, but maybe it would be ok. I kind of have issues with missing dance classes because then I am not burning calories and so my weight is more likely to be a problem. I found it hard last night not being able to dance at rehearsal - I kept thinking of all the calories I wasn't burning. And then when I ate I felt like I didn't deserve to because I hadn't done anything to burn off the calories. I am supposed to have a dance rehearsal tomorrow too, but I don't think I will be able to do that. Doing a ballet class is one thing, because I can just do what I feel able to etc, but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing lifts etc when I still have an injury because it would be too easy to aggravate it. My weight is really frustrating me at the moment. It is just stuck. Which is my own fault, because I am eating too much 'extra' food. Comfort eating. Which isn't even comforting because it makes me feel like a disgusting greedy pig. Yesterday I meant to have a nap in the afternoon because I was so tired, but in the end I ate and purged a piece of carrot cake instead. I don't know why. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't even fancy it. I wasn't hungry. I just saw it and felt compelled to eat some, even though I didn't particularly want it, and knew I would purge afterwards. I felt hideous afterwards, and yet I nearly repeated the whole thing again today. I don't know what I am doing at the moment. My brain feels broken.

I am tired. I am just not really getting enough sleep at the moment, even with the Zopiclone, and I am still tired when I wake up however much sleep I have had. I want to read or watch a DVD or just do something that feels vaguely constructive and I just can't because I don't have any concentration. It is stupid. I really hate myself at the moment. I feel completely useless.

Sleepy!

I am ridiculously tired. It is 1:30, and I have only been up since 10, but I am at that point where you can't actually stand up or walk without swaying a little bit, and I keep typing completely the wrong words and letters etc, so I think I am going to have to have a sleep this afternoon if I want any chance of being awake for rehearsal tonight. This exhaustion seems to have come about because I didn't take a Zopiclone last night, as I knew I had to be up at 10, to get to my appointment for 11, and I find that unless I can just sleep until I wake naturally then Zopiclone makes me feel a bit hung over. In retrospect feeling hung over would have been preferable. Despite being completely exhausted, as I should have been following a ballet class and a dance rehearsal, I just could not get to sleep last night. I think in the end I managed to sleep at about 5:30am, but that only gave me 4 and a half hours sleep, and it was fairly disturbed at that. I don't know why I couldn't sleep earlier. I was too tired to keep my eyes open, but sleep just would not happen. I think my brain was just buzzing too much, despite having had a Diazepam to try and calm it down a bit. So anyway, I think an afternoon nap is now called for.

I have rehearsal tonight. That is slightly awkward as I seem to have done my back in rather at the rehearsal last night. There is a bit in the pas de deux section of the dance where I have to go from a fish dive up to being thrown back over the guy's shoulder and I seem to have tweaked my back - I am not sure what I did exactly, but it is rather painful. Not agonising or anything, but very uncomfortable and keeps twinging. It was uncomfortable yesterday, and then overnight it was quite painful, and is hurting today. I don't think I will be able to dance at the rehearsal tonight. I will make mark it if it is feeling better, but there is no point making it worse. I have taken some Ibuprofen - I don't really like taking painkillers for injuries, as I don't think there is much point in just masking the pain, and you can end up doing more damage if you can't feel the pain, but I do make an exception for Ibuprofen as it is an anti-inflammatory, and I think I probably need that at the moment. I hope it gets better soon though, as it is quite uncomfortable.

I saw L this morning. I have missed her so, so much. It was really good to see her and to have someone to talk to about everything. Obviously it didn't change how I am feeling, but just being able to express those feelings and have them validated makes a difference. I think I mentioned before that she had talked about referring me to the Psychologist. That is going ahead - I will be having an assessment sometime, and then almost certainly be seeing her for CAT. CAT isn't ideal, ie it isn't either DBT or long term psychotherapy, but it has to be worth a try, and maybe it will help. The psychologist is supposed to be good, and she seems nice too from what I have heard. It probably won't be for a couple of months though. L also said that she was going to bring up with the rest of the team what happened on Friday, with the fuckwit calling me. She said it shouldn't have happened - it says on my care plan that I should be able to speak to someone suitable if she isn't there, and he is not suitable - partially because I am more comfortable speaking to women, and it says that I should be able to speak to a female whenever possible, and partly because I have a history with him and it is all rather awkward. I am glad that she didn't think I was overreacting and being awkward and difficult for being unhappy that it was him who had called.

Relief

L is back. I don't think I have ever been so happy to be wrong in my life. I've not spoken to her, but I called the CMHT earlier to check whether she was back or not, and they said she was. So I will be seeing her tomorrow. It has been 6 weeks - that is a bloody long time. I hope seeing her will help me feel a little more able to cope. Yesterday I was having really strong suicidal thoughts - I had decided that if she wasn't back today then I was going to kill myself, because I just can't cope with feeling like this any more, and it is too difficult not having any support. It sounds stupid saying it like that, but this last week has just been hell - I have been feeling worse and worse, and calling the CMHT on Friday and speaking to the fuckwit just made me feel even worse, because it left me feeling like I had absolutely nowhere to turn to, as I couldn't even call and speak to someone else. So it is a massive relief that L is back. I know it isn't going to fix everything, and I will still feel shit, but at least there will be someone who I trust to talk to about it, and that does make a difference.

I have ballet tonight, and then rehearsal. I haven't managed to learn my lines, so I don't know what to do. I know some of them - maybe the first third, but that is it. I just can't get things to stay in my head at the moment. It was books down a week ago, so the only reason I have got away with it until now is because I wasn't in the scenes they were rehearsing last week. I am feeling really stressed about it all - wish it was over or that I wasn't doing it. It is just too much at the moment. Everything feels too much, but at least with things like ballet, if I need to take a night off it only affects me - with shows it is really difficult, because if you need a night off it messes up the entire rehearsal. It is too much pressure when I am feeling crap.

A vole

There are things I intended to do today. Need today. One is learning my lines for Carousel, as I have to know them by my rehearsal tomorrow night. Having the attention span of a goldfish isn't helping with that. I currently know about 2 of them... Another is washing my hair, as it is a bit nasty and needs washing. I also planned to make a cake, although I am not quite sure why. Things I didn't need to do today were staring into space for long stretches of time and sit pissing around on the internet, not even really knowing what I am looking at. It is 4:45. Leaning the lines before tomorrow night is non negotiable. Well, I could pull a sickie (tempting) but I would still need to know them for Tuesday, so that wouldn't help much. Washing my hair is also pretty non negotiable if I want to leave the house tomorrow. Making a cake is negotiable, but also the most interesting of the three, as it results in a cake at the end of it, and I do like cake. Although I am not really wanting to go into the kitchen at the moment. My old cat, who is 15 and deaf (but still very beautiful and very quick) came home with a vole last night. He was incredibly pleased with himself. Fortunately or unfortunately, the vole was still alive, and so then when he dropped it, it ran away under the appliances. Whilst voles are very sweet and cute, I don't particularly want one living in my kitchen, and small rodents do make me jump, so I am not feeling any overwhelming urges to go into the kitchen. Trouble is, I have absolutely no idea how we can get it out. I really don't want to hurt it, that would upset me (and it I suspect) very much. But catching a live vole, who has a multitude of hiding places, could prove tricky. I just want to catch him and put him back outside where he belongs. I don't want either of the cats to get him. But I have no idea how we can find him. Or her. I just hope it isn't pregnant....

Took a Zopiclone last night. Not sure that it helped me get to sleep really, but I do sleep more solidly after taking them - I wake up far less, and my sleep is generally just far less disturbed. I am still tired though. And I still feel like shit. I desperately hope that L is back this week. I have a horrible feeling that she isn't going to be. I really hope that I am wrong, but I don't think I will be. I don't think I can get through the week if she isn't back. It is so hard not having any support, and I am never calling the CMHT again after the debacle of Friday.

Fuckwittery

I am really bloody pissed off. I finally decided to call the CMHT, as I really felt like I needed to talk things through with someone, and obviously it is the weekend coming up so there won't be anyone to talk to then, and since I am really not feeling good I thought it would be a good idea to speak to someone today. So I rung the CMHT. First I got the answerphone, so I called back a little bit later and spoke to the receptionist. I asked who was on duty, as there were a couple of people I knew I would not want to speak to, but she asked who was calling and said she would check if there was anyone available. She came back and said nobody was around, but that someone would call me back, but it wouldn't be until a bit later, probably about 4 (it was 2:45 then). I said that was fine. 5 minutes later the phone rang. I thought it was probably my GP, as I had called earlier and left a message asking if she could call, as I wanted some sleeping tablets to take short term. I answered the phone and it was the CMHT. Of everyone in the CMHT who could have called me, this is the person I would not have wanted to speak to. I can't remember if I have written about him before or not.

He used to be my care coordinator and was a complete bloody incompetent, moronic, fuckwit. I spent the year that I was forced to see him requesting to see someone else (particularly as I had said before I even met him that I wanted to see a female), he spent the time saying he was just assessing me, and that when he had finished assessing me I might get to see someone else, or I might be discharged. I made complaints about him to the manager. I spoke to the people whose name I can't remember. What are they called? PALS. Yes. I spoke to my GP. My mum spoke to the manager. Everyone tried to get them to give me a different care coordinator, but they kept refusing. Originally I was just seeing him for a 3 month assessment. 3 months stretched to 6, 6 months to a year. I was supposed to see him fortnightly - he didn't think I needed seeing weekly. I mostly saw him monthly, as he was always on leave or busy. I cannot think of one positive thing to say about this man. He was by far the most incompetent mental health professional I have ever seen, and that is really saying something. He would spend 20 minutes every few weeks asking how I was and would then ignore the answer. If I smiled he said it was nice to see me happy. If I sat there on the verge of bursting into tears and saying I wanted to die he said I seemed a bit brighter. A couple of times when things were particularly bad he said I seemed a bit down today, but that he didn't think going into hospital would help me. Not that I had mentioned going into hospital. If I rung up between appointments because I was feeling desperate, I only had to mention the word suicide for him to say that he needed to speak to my mum (I was 23 - fuck off), and that I had to go to A&E to be assessed. What they were supposed to be assessing I was never sure, since my notes said not to admit me. I suspect it was because he knew I may well try and kill myself, and if he had sent me to A&E, then he could say at a tribunal that he had done everything he could as he had sent me to hospital to be assessed. Without fail I left appointments with him feeling even worse than I had when I had arrived. I hated seeing him, he must have known I hated seeing him (I was going to say he isn't stupid, but I think that actually he is) by my repeated requests to see somebody else. But he was incredibly reluctant to let me see anyone else. He lied and told me the reason I couldn't see a female was because none had any space on their case load. I have since found out that this was a complete lie. Apparently when someone had space I might be able to see them, although he thought I might be able to be discharged instead of seeing someone else. Just thinking about him makes me so bloody angry. So yes, he was a complete bloody fuckwit.

So who called today? He did of course! I answered the phone and nearly burst into tears when I heard his voice. I knew there was no way on earth that I could say how I was feeling, or he would make me go to A&E to be assessed, and I know from all of the times he made me do that before that it is an entirely pointless exercise. So I just wanted to get off the phone as quickly as possible. He asked why I had called, and I muttered something about just finding it a bit hard with L away. He asked what was going on. I was trying to think of the vaguest answers I possibly could because I didn't want to talk to him, and I didn't want to be sent to A&E. He asked what I had been doing with L that might help. I said I write a lot. He sounded slightly confused but asked if I thought I could do some writing. I said yes, despite having just done some writing. He asked if I was feeling suicidal. I said that I was having some suicidal thoughts, but I didn't feel at risk from them. I don't actually know how I feel about them, but there was no bloody way I was going to tell him that. He said that I knew if I was feeling suicidal then I would need to go to A&E to be assessed, but it sounded like maybe I didn't need to do that right at the moment? I agreed that I didn't need to do that at the moment. I was actually silently laughing by that point - it was just all so bloody ridiculous. I felt like I had been transported back in time a year and was stuck with that fuckwit as my care coordinator again. Except this time I had learnt to be sensible and not tell him the truth, because he is too incompetent to handle the truth. Shame I didn't realise that when he was my care coordinator. He then patronisingly asked if it would help if he told me that they were hoping that L would be back next week? I said I was already aware of that actually, as I had been sent a letter giving me an appointment with her. He said hopefully she would be back and that would make me feel better. I agreed. He said L had said I was doing a play or something, and was I excited about that? I said no, not at the moment. He said maybe I would be when it got closer. I said something non committal. He said he would tell her I had called when she was back, and what would I like him to tell her the reason I had called was? I thought that was something that he could work out for himself really, so I just said I would talk to her about it when I saw her. Speaking to him just made me so stressed and anxious and pissed off. Within about 30 seconds of picking up the phone I wanted to shoot either him or myself.

I probably sound like an ungrateful brat. I can't convey in writing how much I dislike this man, and what a useless twat he was when he was my care coordinator. I am also immensely pissed off that it was him who called me. I can't help feeling like he did it out of spite. He knows that I am not comfortable talking to him, because I told him so (politely) several times when he was my care coordinator. It also quite clearly says in my care plan (that I can't currently find) that when L is away I should be able to speak to a female whenever possible. Now whilst I am willing to accept that there probably are times when there is only a male available, for example if you call at 4:45 you have to accept whoever is around, I kind of doubt that at 2:45 there wasn't going to be a female available all afternoon for me to speak to. I was told it would be over an hour before I would be called back, but they weren't sure who it would be, which would certainly imply that the fuckwit who did call me back was not the only person in the office likely to be available that afternoon. I feel like he probably saw I had called and said he would call me back as he knows me, despite knowing that a) I prefer to speak to women, and b) I am uncomfortable with him. Whilst that may sound a little paranoid, it just seems unlikely that he was the only person in the whole office who was free this afternoon, and if there were other people available then I don't know why he would ring when he knows how I feel about him.

I am never calling the CMHT when L is off again. That has put me off for good.

Dr O rung about minutes after I had got off the phone to the moron. She is so bloody perky all the time, it is just strange! I answered the phone and got (imagine the chirpiest voice you can) 'Hellooo, it's mee!' I couldn't help laughing. She asked what I was calling for, and I asked if I could have some sleeping tablets please. She said she thought that was what I would be calling for, and why did I want them. I said I was feeling shit and she asked why, and I said that I didn't know, but I was just feeling really crap, and when I feel crap I sleep worse, and then that makes me feel even more crap. She said yes that was fine, and that I knew I could only have them alternate nights short term. I said I would rather have them every night short term to try and get into a better pattern, and she said that was fine, and she would send a script down to the chemist for me. The whole conversation was over in about a minute and a half! Normally if I feel bad and am asking for medication though she asks a lot more questions and checks I am not going to overdose on them and how suicidal I am feeling etc, and just generally asks me a lot more before agreeing to give me anything, but I expect she was in a rush, and it is fine because I got what I wanted from it, and I don't intend to overdose on them - I just want some good sleep. From tomorrow I will have some Zopiclone, and then hopefully I will get some good sleep and not wake up feeling so exhausted. I have to say I am not holding out great hopes, as I took Zopiclone for so many years that I became pretty immune to it, but it is a few months since I last had it, and that was only for a couple of weeks, and it must be about 9 months since I had it regularly, so maybe it will help a bit more now. It has to be worth a try. Anything is right now.

A break

I was supposed to be going to London today, but I didn't go. My mum was going to meet up with someone, and I had thought that since there are several things I need to do/buy in London, I may as well go as well, but by yesterday I really wasn't feeling like it. I set my alarm this morning for a time that would allow me decide whether or not to go, but I really just wasn't in the mood. I am really tired, so I might try and get some more sleep. I did manage to sleep before 6am last night - I think I got to sleep about 2, which is pretty impressive, as every other night this week it has been after 6, but I slept quite badly - I woke up loads, and it was just quite a disturbed night. And I only had about 6 hours sleep, including interruptions, so I woke up feeling pretty exhausted.

I am not sure what to do. I am finding that every day seems to be worse than the one before. The trouble is, I find my mood really starts to slip mid afternoon, and is really very bad by the evening, by which time there is nobody I can call. So then I decide that I just have to get through to the next day, and then I will call the CMHT, and then the next day comes, and although I am feeling bad, I don't start feeling really horrific and like I don't know if I can stay safe or not until it is too late. And so it goes on. I think I probably am safe, because I am in the kind of depression where I just have no energy to do anything, and my thoughts are all confused, and I couldn't plan how to walk out of the door, let alone my suicide. But the thoughts still whirr around in my head and are really distressing, and I just feel really alone. But if I called I don't know what I would say. Could say. I can't even formulate thoughts properly, let alone words.

I really, really wish that I could just shut off for a couple of weeks. Obviously given the choice completely I would rather just be dead, but I am aware that would upset people, and so I do try to think of alternatives when I can. And right now I would really like to have a couple of weeks where I don't have to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone, pretend to feel ok when I don't, have any responsibilities or committments. Anything. No rehearsals, no ballet, no line learning, no family, no feeling obliged to do anything. I just want a break I suppose. Need. I just feel completely drained and exhausted and stressed. Unfortunately I think suicide would be more possible than a complete break like that would be. Although I don't work, or have anything that other people would see as big committments, I find that all the little things just pile up and get me down when I am already struggling. And I need a break. A break from having to pretend everything is fine when it really isn't.

Slow brain

I am feeling really bloody shit. There is no other way of saying it really. Today has been crap. Woke up tired, yet again, after not being able to sleep last night, yet again. Weighed myself and had gained half a pound, so felt even more crap about myself. Debated calling the CMHT but didn't know what to say, since there is really only 1 person I would feel able to talk to, and didn't think I could call and ask who was on duty and then hang up if it was someone I didn't want to speak to. And I don't know what I would have said even if it had been the person I would feel able to talk to, because I don't even bloody know what is wrong - I just know that I feel shit and it seems to be getting worse, and I am having suicidal thoughts, and that isn't really a terribly constructive conversation, and there would be nothing she would have said that would have changed any of it. So I didn't bother.

I had ballet tonight. It was about the last thing I felt like doing, but going was easier than explaining to my mum why I didn't want to go. I am finding everything so stressful. I wish I wasn't doing Carousel. There is a stupid bloody countdown thing on the website that I have to check, as it says when I am called for rehearsals, and it is flashing 3 weeks and 5 days to go, 11 rehearsals remaining. That is freaking me out big time. I haven't learnt my lines, and whilst that would normally be a quick job, I have absolutely no concentration, and therefore have no idea how I am going to learn my lines, and it was books down this week - I was only saved by the fact that I had no rehearsals this week apart from a dance rehearsal, as they were doing Act 1 and I am only in Act 2. But next week is Act 2 time, and I don't know my lines. The big dance is also so far from being ready, and I am worried about getting some of the lifts etc perfected in time. I am generally just feeling stressed by it.

Tomorrow should have been a nice, quiet, stress free day, where I could stay in my PJs and do nothing. I had forgotten that Thursdays is the day I have to look after 5 year old nephew when he finishes school however. I got really anxious and panicked earlier thinking about it. I hate the responsibility of looking after someone else, particularly a hyper, bouncy something like my nephew is, and it just feels completely and utterly overwhelming when I am finding it so difficult to even look after myself. I wish my old next door neighbour hadn't moved - if she still lived there then she wouldn't have minded looking after him for me, but there is nobody now. I have just started crying because I feel so stressed about it. It is stupid, because I know it will be fine, but I just don't want to have to entertain a 5 year old and pretend to be fine and happy when I am feeling this bad.

I was really hoping I would have started feeling better by now, but every day seems to be harder than the one before. I really don't know what to do. I have spent about 5 hours writing this, and not doing much else - that is the kind of speed that my brain is working on. I am really struggling to keep going, I just feel like I can't cope anymore.

Zombified

My sleep is not getting any better. I don't seem to be able to sleep before 6am, and then when I wake up I am exhausted regardless of how much sleep I have had. I am getting really fed up of feeling so completely drained all the time. Motivation levels are non existant. My hair really needs washing but I can't be bothered - that takes more energy than I have at the moment, so I just keep leaving it, and it gets worse. I fully intended to wash it today, but then I woke up absolutely knackered, and it seemed like an utterly pointless thing to do, so I didn't bother. Yet again I have no idea what I have done with the day. I vaguely remember watching Neighbours earlier, but I couldn't tell you what happened in it. I think that was probably the highlight of the day. Oh no, actually, getting on the scales and not gaining was the highlight of the day, as I was worried I might have gained a little. I am feeling increasingly zombified. Somehow I need to change something, because I can't keep going like this. I don't know how though. The suicidal thoughts are getting quite intense. I think maybe I need help, but I don't know who I can get it from with L away. And since nobody can make the thoughts go away, is there any point in even trying to get help anyway? Maybe it is better just to act on them. Telling someone how I am feeling isn't going to change anything, so it seems pretty futile. I am so tired.

Not quite with it

I seem to be pepetually exhausted at the moment. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I wake up feeling absolutely exhausted and completely drained. And then still can't get to sleep at night. I suppose it is just tiring feeling so awful all the time - it really takes it out of you. I had ballet this evening, followed by a dance rehearsal for Carousel. Ballet was ok. Rehearsal was okish, but I am still not happy with the dance. I feel like I have eaten too much today. I had lost weight again today, and so am now only 1 pound higher than the weight I had got down to, and I really, really want to have lost again tomorrow and I just don't think I am going to have, and I am really quite terrified of gaining again. I feel like losing weight is quite important at the moment, or at least not gaining. I am so on edge mood wise, and gaining weight can just tip me off completely when I am feeling like this. I am not doing anything tomorrow. That is a good thing. I am not really with it today. I keep getting confused about the day and the time and what I am supposed to be doing. Everything is confusing me. I don't actually know where today has gone. I didn't seem to do anything at all before I went off to ballet, and that wasn't until after 5. Ah well. I hope that I don't wake up so exhausted tomorrow. And I really hope my weight has gone down...

Crying

I very, very rarely cry at films, TV programmes, books etc. I just don't. I never have done really. Very occasionally I will, but it really is very occasional - I can watch a film and everyone else in the cinema be in floods of tears, and I'm just not. Sometimes if I find something very sad then my eyes prick a bit, but I don't actually cry. It is so rare that any actual tears come out, that I can't remember the last time. So why on earth did I end up sobbing hysterically when watching Charlotte's Web on TV earlier?! I had seen it was on and though oh I always I liked that book, not seen this film version, I will watch that. I ended up this inconsolable mess, bawling my eyes out. For at least 15 minutes. Probably more. I actually felt completely devastated by it. I was still crying by the end, which is supposed to be happy. What is wrong with me?! I can sit through films about loads of people dying, terribly sad things happening, tragedies, and yet the death of a spider sends me into a complete state. Something is wrong there...

Tired

I am really tired. Which is ridiculous as I didn't wake up until 3 this afternoon. Which is also ridiculous. I am sleeping really badly at the moment. And still totally lacking concentration. I tried to start reading a new book I got out the library last night and I couldn't even get through the first paragraph. And it really isn't anything complex - it is a James Patterson book. I read books like that when I have no concentration. What do you do when you don't have the concentration to read the things you read when you have no concentration? I have Clueless on at the moment, which was my favourite film when I was about 10 and I can't even bloody concetrate on it. I don't know what to do with myself. On the plus side I lost a pound since yesterday, which is making me feel slightly better about myself. Although I am still a pound heavier than I was this time last week, which is pretty shit. I really should shower and wash my hair today but I am just too tired and I can't be bothered. I need to have more energy than this tomorrow as I have a ballet class followed by a dance rehearsal. I really feel like everything is too much right now - I don't want to go out at all. I don't want to see anyone. There needs to be a way of pausing life so I don't have to do anything.

Quiter day

I am still feeling really shit, but it has been really good not having to do anything or go anywhere today. People always say that keeping busy is good for you and will distract you and make you feel better etc, but I just don't find that works - when I feel really bad I find that the more I do the worse I feel. I just get increasingly stressed and pressured and overwhelmed, and it puts me in a worse place than I would be if I had sat at home on my own doing absolutely nothing. I can cope with doing maybe a couple of things in a week, but more than that starts getting too much, and this week was 2 ballet classes, a photo shoot, 2 meals and a birthday party - that was just way more than I can cope with. I feel pathetic for saying that, as some people manage to go out to work and do all sorts of things, even when they are feeling bad, but I just find the more I do the worse I feel. Next week will hopefully be a bit quieter - I have 2 ballet classes and 1 rehearsal, but I think that is all. Or that is all I have in my diary at the moment - I am sure some other things will pop up, but I really hope not too much.

I have purged 4 times this week. Whilst in the grand scheme of things this isn't that much - a lot of people do it far more than that, and there have been periods when I was purging that much every day - it isn't that great for someone who doesn't consider themselves to do that any more. In my head purging is something I used to do, rather than something I still do, but clearly that isn't quite true... I don't want to get into purging a lot again. I am much more comfortable with restricting - I don't feel bad about myself then in the same way I do when I purge - but if I eat things I think I shouldn't have, or have the opportunity to purge then I just need to. But it hurts my throat, and therefore my voice, and makes me feel shitty and it is not nice. I need to be able to get back into restricting and losing weight. Since a few weeks ago when I got back from Cornwall and aimed to lose 1.4lbs a week on average, I have gained a pound. That is really shit. At first it was going alright - I wasn't losing much, but it was at least going the right way. Then this last week I have just gained loads - I think I have just been feeling so low that I have stopped caring in the same way and been comfort eating, but I still do care when I gain, and I feel so terrible about myself now.

The suicidal thoughts are still really strong. I am finding I am constantly thinking about when would be the best time for me to act on the thoughts - when I would have the longest before being found, what the best thing to do is. Just planning basically. Quite obsessively. I don't know what to do.