The power of the scales

I feel shit. It's weird - an hour or two ago I was in one of my hyper moods with lots of energy, and now I have totally crashed. It was like normal - I didn't feel happy, but I had lots of energy, and I wanted to do something. I felt like singing, I was in the mood to sing, so I was singing, but it was midnight, and my dad was in the mood for sleeping, so I had to stop singing. And then I thought maybe I would go and make a cake, but I knew I would get bored half way through so I decided not to. And then a little while later my mood started dropping, for no reason, and all my energy disappeared, and I ended up feeling crap. I then just put the final nail in the coffin by going and weighing myself.

I ended up weighing myself in the night last night - I couldn't resist. It was good though, it made me pleased. I weighed less than I was expecting, and knew that meant I would have lost weight when I weighed properly today. And so when I woke up I weighed, and I had lost weight, and I was pleased. All good. Then today I ate more than I should have. For no reason. I wasn't hungry. I just felt like eating and so I ate. And then I got scared of what the scales would say tomorrow. Just now I needed to go to the toilet, so I went downstairs and went to the toilet, and then weighed myself. I was thinking over and over again 'Please don't be more than X', which I always do - I have a figure in my head that I need to be below whenever I weigh, based on what I have weighed the last time I have weighed myself, and to an extent on whether I think I have lost/gained since then. So I had the figure in my head, and I was a pound more than that. Which means that tomorrow when I weigh myself I will probably be best part of a pound more than I was today. And it is my own fault for being greedy. I hate myself. It made me feel sick when I saw the number come up. The scales have so much power over me. I was so pleased last night when I weighed and it was less than I was expecting - I was really happy about it. But when it is higher than I want, it actually feels like the end of the world. I know how melodramatic that sounds, but it is like being punched in the face. It makes me just want to cry and cut myself or overdose or just do anything self destructive. I am trying to content myself with biting my duvet really hard. It isn't really doing the job. I just hate myself so much. I feel so fat and greedy and disgusting, and I just don't understand how I can have so little self control and allow myself to eat an amount that will have made my weight do that. I know that my reaction seems disproportionate to gaining a pound (0.6 of a pound compared to last night actually, but I am wearing slightly lighter pyjamas tonight, so that makes up the rest of the pound) but it just feels so hideous.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow. I think I mentioned that yesterday. I am scared I will eat lots when she is here and gain even more weight. I can't cope with that. It terrifies me. I need my fucking self control back. I repulse myself. I wish I hadn't weighed myself tonight. I was already feeling terrible, and now I feel hideous and disgusting and greedy as well. I suppose at least it won't be a shock in the morning now. I just wish I could die. Not because of my weight. Or not just because of my weight anyway. It is just everything.

Being erased

I have been sitting here for hours now not knowing what to write. My head just feels empty. I haven't done anything today. I am not even sure where the day went. There were a few things I meant to do, but suddenly it was evening, and now it is nearly 2am. I watched Neighbours twice. That seems a little excessive, but I was sitting here when it came on again, and even though I had watched it at lunch time I didn't actually remember much of it, so I sat and watched it again. I probably still wouldn't remember it. It has been one of those days.

I was wondering earlier what it would be like to have a whole day without suicidal thoughts. A whole day without thinking about it once. And a whole day without thinking about my weight, and how much I hate my body, and feeling guilty every time I eat something, and wondering how it will affect my weight. I can't remember either of those things. Even when I am not feeling actively suicidal, I still think about suicide, and every day if given the choice between continuing to live, or being erased so I had never existed, I would choose being erased. I don't remember the last time I had a day when I would have chosen to live. That is obviously different to feeling like I am going to kill myself, because with suicide you have to think about other people, whereas being erased would be my ideal, as I could cease to exist, but without upsetting anyone. I wish there was a way to make that happen. Sometimes I think about running away and disappearing so that nobody knows where I am, and then killing myself. If I disappeared first then nobody would actually know I had died and so it might be less hurtful. I suppose it is like trying to erase myself.

I am trying to resist the urge to go and weigh myself at the moment. I am in this stupid pattern where I weigh in the middle of the night to try and predict what my weight will be the next day. I don't know why I do it, because if I weighed now and knew I would have gained tomorrow then there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it, but I still do it. Somehow it feels even scarier to step on the scales without having been pre-warned about what I am likely to weigh from my middle of the night weigh in. I ate too much again today. I feel really greedy at the moment. From Monday I am going to make a really concerted effort to try and lose weight. I always think it is daft when people say they are going to start a diet in a couple of days time, but weekends are always more difficult as my parents are about, and so I tend to eat more at the weekends, plus on Sunday I have a friend coming over. She is someone I met during Carousel. So anyway, it will probably be easiest to start on Monday. Not that it is ever easy - there always seems to be things in the way. I just need my will power and determination back. It is definitely missing at the moment, and I want it back. I can't believe how long I have been trying to lose weight for now, and it really hasn't happened. I have lost about half a stone, but that has literally taken 5 months. I have lost an awful lot more than that actually, but I have put on a lot in between as well. I have been going up and down several pounds each month, which is why I haven't lost more. It pisses me off immensely - I have a bad week food wise, and find I am back where I was a month previously, and that upsets me. The last couple of months I haven't actually lost any weight at all - I am actually a pound heavier than I was during (some of) August. But I have also been 3lbs heavier than this several times between then and now. It is pretty confusing really. I just want it going steadily down. Even if it was only a pound a week. Goodness, even half a pound. As long as it kept going down and there were none of the stupid weight gains in between. I always think that I should be able to lose 2lbs a week, but it so rarely works in reality. But 1lb sounds like a realistic target. And would put me at my medium term target weight for Christmas I just worked out, which would be nice. I would still want to be lower than that, but if I lost 7 - 10lbs I would be so much more comfortable with my body than I am now. My long term target weight is unrealistically low to be healthy - it is just my dream weight. It isn't scarily low, but it would make me well into the underweight section on the BMI chart, which isn't really a good idea. But it has been my goal weight for 7 years - I can't just let go of it. But my medium term goal weight is a reasonable weight, that I have been at several times before, and I genuinely feel like I should be able to get to and maintain. It is just so much easier said than done....

Performing and weight

I am not feeling that great. Not desperately suicidal or anything. Just not good. I suppose that is a bit of a daft thing to say really as I never feel good. I don't know how to explain it really. I suppose it is partly just the post show blues making me feel flat - I think that is something everyone experiences after performing. It fills so much of your life, particularly during the actual performance period, and the week or two leading up to that, and so it is bound to leave something of a void when it finishes. It is strange how slowly the last few weeks have gone - it is less than 3 weeks ago that my friend was here, and it feels like so much longer. Back then, just 2 weeks ago, I didn't even want to go to rehearsals, and I wished I wasn't doing the show at all. Then it took over for a couple of weeks, and whilst I would say I was happy to be going off out every night, and I didn't always feel like it, I got on with it, and it was fine, and sometimes it was fun. And now I suppose I just have a gap. It has been quite a few years since I have done a big musical, which may be contributing to it I suppose - I didn't perform at all, apart from some concerts and festivals, between 2006 and this year, so that was a 4 year gap, which is really quite a long time. I was still dancing, and I did some teaching in that time, and some directing and choreographing etc, but I didn't actually perform myself, and the last musical I did before Carousel was Les Miserables back in 2005. I actually hadn't realised quite how big a gap there had been - I knew I hadn't been performing for a while, but it is only now I have opened up my CV and am actually looking at dates that I have realised just how long. Then in 2006 I did open air Shakespeare, and a very small part in a play, and then absolutely nothing bar concerts/festivals, and extra work in one film in 2007 (which I don't count as acting as you just stand about and move when you are told to) until the one act play I did earlier this year, then The Tempest, and then Carousel. It is strange - between 1998 and 2003 I did 2 musicals every year, and sometimes a play or pantomime too, and then usually a couple of concerts as part of a choir as well, and various other things, and after that I started doing less and less, until I stopped completely in 2006. I know that is no coinidence - 2005 is when I first tried to kill myself, and also when I moved away to university and was hospitalised etc, and although I did a couple of things in 2006 when I was back home, I know things had changed. They had started to change before that actually - I did my first summer course at a big Drama School in 2002, when I was 16, and I came home pissed off that I was starting A levels rather than a performing course, and unhappy with the quality of the productions I had been doing, and just wanting more. I also had my first audition for a West End production that year, which despite being dreadful, made me want to perform even more, and therefore made me even more frustrated with college etc. Then 2003 was when everything seemed to go wrong and I was first diagnosed with Depression, and given anti depressants, and an Eating Disorder, and referred to the CMHT. And I suppose I just started performing less and less as I just didn't have the motivation or energy, and I found being around people too difficult. I kept up with dance classes virtually the whole time, and I carried on with singing lessons until about 18 months ago, when a) my singing teacher moved away, and b) I was having severe problems with my voice, and I did some acting classes for a while, and some summer courses etc, but there were absolutely no productions after the summer of 2006, until the spring of this year.

Then this year I decided to force myself to do things, even if I didn't feel like it. I knew that performing was still the only thing I ever cared about, despite not caring the majority of the time. So I got involved in the 1 act play. I can honestly say I regretted that about 99% of the time. There wasn't a single rehearsal or performance I wanted to go to, I couldn't be bothered with it, I didn't care about it, I didn't enjoy myself. Then it was on to the Shakespeare. That was better. I still didn't want to be doing it most of the time, but there were some points that I was enjoying it. Shakespeare wrote so beautifully that it is hard not to get into it - when something is that well written you have to put everything you can into it (as of course you should with everything, but some thing just demand it). So although I never felt like going to the rehearsals or learning my lines, there were times when I was pleased to be doing it. And then Carousel. That has been a bit of a mixed one. I would be lying if I said I haven't enjoyed it some of the time. I still felt a real lack of motivation towards going to rehearsals, but they generally improved when I got there, although not always. I liked working with a good choreographer. I liked doing the pas de deux (bar the somewhat scary Saturday performances, and of course hurting my back!). It was a little difficult only being in the second half of Act 2, as that meant I didn't go to many rehearsals, and so really didn't get to know the cast very well at all, apart from those I was in scenes with, until the couple of weeks before the show week, but when I did get to know them they were a really lovely bunch. I got to know the other principal females particularly well during the week of the show when we were sharing a dressing room, and that was great - they were good fun. So there were lots of positives. On the other hand, there were also days when the thought of going out to a rehearsal had me in tears, as it just felt too much, and a couple of rehearsals that I didn't go to because it was just more than I could face. 3 weeks ago I would have said I would be massively relieved when it was over. But it really did improve a lot during the week before the show, and the week of the show itself. I wasn't happy, and I wasn't hyper and excitable like I used to be during shows, and like other people were. I felt quite flat and numb. I didn't get at all nervous, which actually isn't a good sign, as you need a bit of adrenaline to give a good performance I find. But it was the most positive performing experience I have had this year. Maybe because it was a musical, and really that is what I am most passionate about, or maybe because of having such a great cast, particularly in my dressing room. I don't know. I still didn't have the spark I want, but I didn't spend my whole time wishing I was at home, and that has to be a good thing right? Goodness, this was such a tangent. I can't even remember what my point was....

Right, yes. So when you are doing a show, it kind of takes over you life, and when it finished you are just left with this hole. I suppose it is particularly strong because I haven't been doing anything else this week either - normally I would have been to ballet twice, but it has been half term so that hasn't been on. So yes, I suppose I am partly just feeling a bit empty because of the show being over. Then I am struggling with my weight and food as usual. I ate far more today than I should have, and so feel terrible, and am really scared of what the scales will say tomorrow, but not weighing is not an option. Then there is normal depression stuff. I am doing better than I was a few weeks ago I think - I have read a few books over the last couple of weeks, which is usually at least a vague indicator for me, as when things are really dreadful I can't read. But I just feel kind of on edge. I am still having lots of suicidal thoughts, but I am not in that numb, unable to move type depression. I feel a bit impulsive I suppose, which kind of scares me, because in some ways it feels more unsafe, but I don't think I am at risk of acting on the suicidal thoughts at the moment, even in an impulsive mood. I have been getting a lot of urges to self harm though. They are often strong when I am really frustrated with my weight and body. I wish I could just cut big slices of fat off. Off my thighs. I keep getting these pictures flashing into my head of just carving massive chunks of fat off my legs. I won't attempt it - that isn't my style, but I would like to. I really need to find a way of getting in control of my weight and what I am eating, because at the moment it is just making me feel terrible about myself. I need to lose weight. I can't even express how important that feels at the moment, and yet how impossible.

Weird mood

Today has been a kind of weird day. I have been really emotional and up and down and I don't know why. It started off ok. I was very tired, and found it very difficult to get out of bed, but mood wise I wasn't feeling too bad. I was seeing L at 11, and that went fine - we spent rather a lot of the time chatting about random things, but I guess it is ok to do that sometimes. I think the day started going wrong after that.

My mum was supposed to be picking me up about 12:15 outside the CMHT. It was raining and cold. She wasn't there. I tried phoning her twice but she didn't answer. I tried calling my sister, as I guessed she had gone there. She answered and said she would come then, so I thought she would be there in 5 minutes or so. I didn't bother going back inside, as the main door has been broken for weeks and so you have to go around the back to get in, and since I thought she would be there in a few minutes I didn't think it would be worth it. So I just stood there and waited, and got colder and colder and colder. After about 15/20 minutes of waiting, by which time I was freezing and pretty pissed off, I phoned her again. She said she would be there in a minute. She finally turned up when I had been waiting for 25 minutes. It was really cold, I wasn't dressed *that* warmly, and I have crap circulation at the best of times. So by that time I was in a foul mood. If she had said she was going to be a while I would have waited inside or walked down to the shops, but it really annoyed me that she told me she would come, and therefore I stood outside in the freezing cold, whilst she was sitting around at my sister's house.

I was still freezing by the time we got home, so stood leaning against the radiator trying to warm up my feet, as they only warm up by touching something hot, rather than by warming up when the rest of me warms up. It wasn't really working very well as I was so cold. My mum then asked me to show her something, so I did, and in the meantime my dad stole the radiator and refused to let me back on it. He is really bloody childish, and he will do really stupid, immature things that wind me up, and I have a really short temper - I snap very quickly, and then I am furious. So I was freezing cold, pissed off with my mum for making me stand outside for so long, pissed off with my dad for being so stupid and not letting me back on the radiator, and ended up screaming and shouting and pushing both of them, before storming upstairs. Not a terribly mature reaction but I was angry and frustrated, and upset with my mum for not even apologising for leaving me outside for half an hour, and pissed off with my dad for being so bloody immature, and I just got really upset and locked myself in my room and put on my pyjamas and cried. I don't know why. Sure, I was irritated and frustrated, and grumpy because I was cold and wet, but my reaction was not proportionate to what had happened. I wanted to scream and shout and punch things and hurt myself, which I realise is not a rational reaction to being a bit cold.

I got into bed in my dressing gown and pyjamas and ended up going to sleep for at least 3 hours. I still felt shitty when I woke up - my feet were still like blocks of ice (my circulation really is shit) and I was just in a really bad mood still. My dad wasn't using his laptop, so I went online for a while and tried to warm up. I went downstairs at about 6 and had calmed down a lot by then. I still wasn't feeling good, but I was no longer feeling like I would hit anyone who came within 10 feet of me. I think I am still feeling pretty worn out and run down, and maybe that is why I reacted so much, plus of course I do tend to overreact rather. I think doing the show last week did tire me out - for a start it was tiring being out every night, and dancing and performing every night, but I actually think what I found more tiring than performing was being around people so much of the time, and therefore having to put on a happy face and chat and laugh, even when I wasn't feeling good. I really do find that exhausting, and even though I was around people I liked and got on well with, I wouldn't have been comfortable enough to let my mask slip. A couple of people last week said how confident I am, and actually I got quite irritated at one point, as I don't like curtain calls because you just have to stand there, not in character, and smile and bow etc, and it makes me feel very vulnerable - when I am on stage in character it is fine, but as soon as I have to stand there as me I am very uncomfortable, and I mentioned to someone that I don't like curtain calls because I am not very confident and so they make me feel awkward, and she said that I was wrong and I am very confident, and it actually really pissed me off. I don't even know her well - it was someone I had fairly little to do with, as she was one of the make up people and I do my own make up - I just chatted to her in the green room a little, and I hate that people make assumptions like that. I know it is natural to build up a picture of how you see someone, but it annoyed me that she thought she knew me better from meeting me about 3 times than I know myself. Surely if someone says something about themselves you don't contradict them?! Other people mentioned me being confident, but that didn't annoy me, as they just mentioned it in conversation - I hadn't specifically told them I am not confident and been told I was wrong like I was with her.

My sister is singing in a concert on Saturday. I haven't decided yet whether or not to go. I don't particularly want to, as I would actually rather stay in and watch crap TV like X Factor, and just chill out, as I feel like I have been out so much lately. There is also an element of not wanting to go because she didn't bother coming to see the show that I was in, so why should I go and see a concert she is singing in, which is pretty childish, but it does hurt me that she never makes any effort. I know she would like me to go, and will probably expect me to go, as I know quite a few people who sing in that choir, and was actually asked to do a reading at this concert myself, but I am just feeling a bit petty about the whole thing at the moment. I don't know - I will see how I feel later in the week. My back is still hurting, and my hips are still in seized up mode. I am hoping it will all start to relax a bit by the end of the week, as I am not doing anthing. My ulcers are also still very sore. It hurts to talk, and eating is really painful. I think I just need more sleep and more rest, and hopefully then I will also get less grumpy and less emotional.

Catch up

It feels like so long since I have written anything! That is mostly because my laptop charger decided to break - there were little wires poking out, so I decided that fiddling around with it trying to make it work probably wasn't the best idea, although I did give it a little go. So that was on Saturday night that it stopped working completely, and then the only other working computer we have in the house is my Dad's laptop, which he was using most of yesterday, so I didn't get much time on the computer until today. I have ordered a new charger for my laptop, but I am guessing it won't be here until the end of the week, so I will be laptopless for a few days more unfortunately.

The shows went well Saturday. Well, mostly anyway. My back and hips were hurting, but I got quite used to that really. There was something I wasn't at all happy about on Saturday - someone came into our dressing room during Act 1 of the matinee and told me that my pas de deux partner had been drinking. I was pretty pissed off - for a start you aren't allowed alcohol backstage full stop, secondly it is incredibly unprofessional, but also it is really quite dangerous - I didn't want to do lifts with someone who had been drinking. He apparently thought it was all fine because he felt in control but I felt like that was pretty irrelevant - alcohol throws your balance off, and even if you do feel in control sometimes you aren't. Several people spoke to him, and he promised them he wouldn't have any more. The matinee went ok - I could smell the alcohol on his breath, but he did seem ok. Then the evening show came round and the second he walked on stage I could see he had been drinking more. There was fuck all I could do about it, so I just had to get on with it and hope for the best. It wasn't that great - he wasn't really drunk or anything, but he had definitely had enough that it was having an impact on his balance, and it didn't feel right, and the choreographer could see it wasn't right - the audience probably couldn't have because they hadn't seen it before, but the fish dive was actually quite scary - I ended up at such an angle I didn't think he was going to be able to get me back up. So yes, I was pretty pissed off about that, and I really don't know what he was thinking. All through rehearsals and the other performances he had been great - I felt really safe with him and we got on well, and I just have absolutely no idea what made him drink on Saturday. If he had stopped during the interval of the matinee like he told people he would once they had pointed out how dangerous it was to drink before going on stage and partnering someone then I wouldn't have been so angry, but it was so clear that he had carried on drinking after that, and that really pissed me off. Anyway, apart from that it was all fine. Between the shows some of us ordered in pizza, and people just hung out, but there wasn't that long really. I had lots of cards and things from other cast members - in fact I had a card and little present of some type from my stage mother every night! But got various other little presents and cards on Saturday, and 12 beautiful yellow roses from my stage father. My parents also got me some flowers and a card, as they had forgotten to get me a card at the start of the run, but I can't remember what those flowers were. I am not good at flowers. I know roses and tulips and that is more or less it. They may have been Gladioli?? I don't know. My mum did tell me but they are pretty flowers - I don't need to know the name.

I went to the aftershow party. I wasn't sure what to do, but in the end someone who lives not too far away from me gave me a lift home, so I was able to stay for a couple of hours, so that was nice. It feels quite weird it is over. I wasn't sure what to do with myself tonight, as I should have been at ballet and then rehearsal, but it is half term, and the show is over. My body definitely needs a rest though. My back is still really quite painful, and so really needs a break, then my hips are still incredibly tight and sore. My cold and sore throat seem to be going, but I have at least 7 mouth ulcers which are very painful. I have had at least 3 constantly for the last couple of weeks, but now I just have so many of them, and some of them are really horrible. So I think I am quite run down. I have absolutely no plans for the week at all apart from seeing L tomorrow morning. The rest of the week is totally free. I think T wants to do something one day or evening, but I don't know what or when. There are a couple of limbering classes at my dance school, but I am not going to go, although I feel like I should, because I think my body really just needs a break. I am not very good at listening to my body when it tells me to stop - I just make it keep going, like with my back and the show, but I think it is screaming as loudly as it can and I should probably take notice. So probably lots of watching bad TV and sleeping. Lots of sleep would be good. I am sleeping really badly, because I keep waking up from the pain of my mouth ulcers. I have been putting stuff on them, but it just kind of wears off and I end up waking up with them really hurting.

Mood wise I have been a bit all over the place really. Last week was quite strange, as I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts that I knew I couldn't act on, and feeling very flat even when I was on stage, but then some of the time I was having fun too. It was a really lovely cast, and the girls in my dressing room were very funny, and so there was a lot of laughter etc, but then there were these underlying thoughts about suicide all the time. And of course my weight. I am not at all happy with my weight at the moment, and I was very conscious of it last week, particularly because one of my dresses was very tight - it fitted but it couldn't have been any smaller at all. And I just can't help comparing myself to other people. I know my body perception must be a bit wrong from the way I perceive myself in relation to other people, as if I find out their actual weight or measurements etc they are always bigger than I expect, as I base my expectations on how I think they look compared to me - for example the girl playing my stage mum I thought was much smaller than me, but actually she weighed a few pounds more and was an inch shorter, so I know that logically she can't be that much smaller than me. Maybe a bit, because she is a lot more muscular than I am, but she can't be as much smaller as I see her as being. I really do need to lose weight though. I have been saying that for so long now, but it really has to happen. Not to a stupidly low weight - just a weight that I can be more comfortable at. I know it won't magically solve everything and make me happy, but it will at least give me one less thing to hate myself for.

More show stuff

Been busy busy. Well actually I haven't been that busy, but it feels like I have. Yesterday I had my flu jab, and then a show in the evening. On the way to getting my flu jab I mentioned to my mum that I probably shouldn't have had my flu jab the week of the show, but the nurse who was doing the flu jabs scares me, and so I didn't like to ask if I could rearrange it because I thought she would tell me off for wasting her time, so I had it done, and then got home, remembered that after my flu jab last year I couldn't move my arm for 3 days, and got into a hysterical mess, panicking that I wouldn't be able to move my dance, and therefore the dance would all be a disaster and thinking what a complete idiot I was. As it turned out it hasn't actually been too bad - it was a bit sore to lift yesterday, but fine for dancing, and today it felt a lot better. So I was panicking needlessly, but that is my style I guess. Then I had a nap for an hour in the afternoon, and then went to the theatre. The show went pretty well last night, apart from a very funny moment in the scene before I go on, when the lead thought it was the ballet (during which he goes to get his make up redone for the scene after the ballet) and completely forgot he had another scene first, and so had gone downstairs to the make up people, and there was a good minute of stage time when he just wasn't there, and the starkeeper just stood there polishing stars, and then everyone backstage heard this thundering up the stairs, and he dashed to the other side of the stage and walked on. Amazingly it couldn't be heard from the audience apparently, but it was very loud, and very amusing backstage. Apart from that it was ok, although I think everyone felt a bit flat - not really sure why.

Today I had a rehearsal for my song for the concert I am doing in December, and then went straight to the theatre after that. It went quite well tonight - we had a particularly responsive audience in, although I have to say that they have all been fairly good, but they were particularly enthusiastic tonight. My back was hurting more tonight - it is really hurting quite a lot now. I had to take the tape off today that the physio had put on, as I couldn't really be doing with getting it all wet yet again, and I didn't think that it was really making that much difference anyway, but my back was definitely a lot worse tonight, so maybe it had been helping. My upper hamstrings/hips are still really tight - they seem to be getting worse. I can't even get into flat splits on what is usually my good leg, and the place that is stopping me really shouldn't be - that isn't where doing the splits stretches you! So I am still doing them on my other leg, which I can just about still make it on. I think my body really needs a rest - it is just all seizing up on me. There are a couple of limbering classes next week at my dance school as it is half term, but I think I just need to rest.

Tomorrow I have a matinee as well as an evening performance, so will be at the theatre from about half 1 until after the evening show. There is no point in going out between the shows, as there will only be about 2 hours between the end of the matinee and the start of the evening performance, and getting out of costume and make up takes 20 minutes, then most people like to be there an hour and a half before the show to start getting ready, so that would leave 10 minutes out of the theatre, which obviously isn't worthwhile! So I think people will just order food in - I can't imagine anyone will bother going out. There is an aftershow party, but I don't know whether I am going to be able to go or not. My parents are going to see the show tomorrow, and so they won't want to wait around for too long after, and so I could just go for a little while, but then everyone pays £8 for the aftershow, to cover costs of food/drink etc, and it isn't worth me paying that if I can only stay for an hour or less, and I would have no other way of getting home.

It is weird to think the show will be over tomorrow. I can't quite decide how I feel about it. I think if I wasn't injured I would be more upset, but I do know that my body really needs a rest, or my back is never going to get better. I will miss some of the people in the cast who I get on really well with, and I guess being on stage, but I know that even just a couple of weeks ago I really couldn't be bothered with going to rehearsals. And I have been feeling fairly flat all week, despite performing etc. Other people seem all kind of hyper and excited, and I am just flat, and I can't get that enthusiasm. Obviously I am pleased when it goes well, and I am definitely more comfortable being on stage and acting than I am just being me, but I just feel like I am missing that spark.

Carousel and injuries

I have been pretty busy the last few days, hence the lack of writing. I had the dress rehearsal on Monday, which feels like a really long time ago now! As far as I can remember that all went ok, but it is all merging into one really. Then yesterday I had the first performance - that went fairly well. I felt a bit off balance when I was dancing, just a bit wobbly, but apparently it looked good and wasn't noticeable, so that's ok. The rest of the show went pretty well, although it was a bit slow, as was the dress rehearsal. Oh, although I just remembered I had a total nightmare. I am only in Act 2, so I spend Act 1 having my hair done, and then doing my make up, and then I get into costume sometime towards the end of Act 1, or in the interval. Last night I went to change, and realised I had left my white bra at home, and was wearing a bright green one. I spend the last scene in a white dress, so there was no way I could wear that, so there was a big panic! The problem had occurred because on Monday I had gone straight from a ballet class to the dress rehearsal, and so was in a leotard and tights, and had my white bra in my bag that goes to the theatre, but then after the dress rehearsal when I got dressed I naturally left that bra on, as I didn't even have another one with me, and so it went home and I completely forgot about it until I was changing. So I rung my mum and told her what had happened. I asked if she was wearing a white bra, as although she is smaller than me it would have done, but typically she was wearing a black one, so she dashed off to Tesco, bought 2 white bras, brought them to the theatre, and one of them fitted and I wore it. It was rather stressful, and it was lucky that yesterday I still had half an hour or so before I had to go on when I went to get changed, as if it had been much later there wouldn't have been time. So that was scary for a while. Plus the zip got stuck on my dress on my quick change, and I barely got changed in time - my dresser ended up having to yank it down over my hips, which could easily have broken it, but luckily it didn't, and we had no alternative. Tonight was better I think - no major disasters, and we took about 7 minutes off the time from last night, just from people picking up cues quicker, and some of the music that had been slightly slow being sped up a bit. There was a slight panic in the middle of Act 2, when I was hanging around in the green room warming up, and an automated message came over the tannoy saying that there was an incident on the site and to await further instructions, and then a panicked looking techie ran through asking what was going on. The performance was still carrying on, so everyone on stage and all the audience were totally oblivious, but it was causing quite a stir backstage! It turned out that it had just been some steam that had set off an alarm which generates this automated message, so there was no disaster, but people were a bit worried for a couple of minutes!

My mum came to see the show tonight. She was going to see it on Saturday night with my dad, but she has to take me up there every night and hang about, as it is too far for her to come back home, so she has to just go to see friends, or my brother who lives there or something, and she mentioned that she would quite like to see the show another night as she is up there, but the cost was putting her off, so I said I would buy her a ticket for tonight as she is taking me up there every night, and one of her friends went with her. So her and her friend went tonight, and then she will be going again on Saturday with my dad. When everyone else in the show was talking the other day about who they had going to see it I felt a bit left out, as I only had my parents going, and they all seemed to have loads of people. Obviously lots of them have work colleagues etc, which I don't have, but then lots of them had friends going, or lots of family etc, and I just had my parents. My siblings never come to see me perform - I think my sister has been to see two shows that I have done, out of over 20, and my brothers have never come to see anything. I do appreciate that not everyone is into theatre, particularly musicals, but it would be nice if they came to support me, even if it wasn't their favourite thing, although both of my sister in laws actually like musicals. And it isn't like they live a long way away - one of my brothers is a bit further away, but my sister is about a 30 minute drive from the theatre, and my other brother lives in the same town. I just feel a bit hurt that they never make any effort at all. I would go and see my sister doing something, whether I was interested in it or not. I don't know if I am being oversensitive or if it is a normal reaction and I am justified in feeling a bit hurt. It is the same with my friends really too. I do have quite a few friends who live a long way away, and I wouldn't expect them to come, but I have other friends who live close and could come. I do have 2 people who have come or are coming - one is my old History teacher from college, who I have always been in contact with, and who likes theatre and came last night, and the other is a lovely fellow blogger, who is coming from further away than any of my siblings would have to. It really means a lot that they have made the effort to come and see it. But it does hurt a bit that none of the rest of my family bother, or my friends. Although I know that T would, but he is in another show this week, and so it would be impossible. Plus the other women in my dressing room all have loads of cards around their mirrors too, and the only ones I got were from my stage parents. I know it is just a really small, unimportant thing, but it is just nice to feel like people care, and when other people have lots of flowers and cards and things and I don't it just makes me feel a bit crap about myself. Although it was really sweet tonight - when I was in the green room last night I was chatting to a couple of people and mentioned that when I was talking to T yesterday he said he was off buying flowers for the lead females in his show, and I told him that nobody had ever bought me flowers for a show, and when I arrived tonight one of the women I had been talking to gave me some flowers. I just thought it was so sweet of her - she isn't a cast member, and I don't even know her name. I think she might be one of the chaperones for the children, but I am not even sure what her involvement is. I have chatted to her a fair bit when I have been hanging around when I am not on stage the last few days, but that is all, and I just thought that it was such a lovely thing for her to do. It is so lovely when people do things that you aren't expecting at all. Some people are just so thoughtful. Buying flowers for someone you barely know is just such a sweet thing to do, and I had only mentioned it in passing when everyone was talking about gifts for shows etc. So yes, I really appreciated that.

My back is hurting a bit. It is ok when I am performing - I don't really notice it then, but it hurts when I get offstage, and particularly when I get back home. I am still taking anti inflammatory tablets and painkillers 3 times a day, but it does still hurt. It is better than it was - it is just still painful. I went to see the physio again yesterday and she said it was still all pretty tight and inflamed, hence the pain. She massaged it to try and get it to relax a bit (and commented on how knotted my shoulders are, which they really are - my whole back has just turned into giant knots, and my shoulders are tender just to touch), and then she taped up my lower back to try and provide some support for it, but obviously she couldn't tape it too tightly as it would have restricted my movement. So I have had that on since yesterday. She said if I thought it was helping I could leave it on for 4 or 5 days, but that is kind of difficult, as I asked what I was supposed to do about it when I showered, and she said try and keep it as dry as possible. Well I discovered today that as dry as possible is soaking wet. How are you meant to have a shower and wash your hair and not get a big section of your back wet?! Today's bright idea was to cover it all with clingfilm and to tape that on, but the taping underneath still got soaking wet, so that wasn't very successful. I then tried to dry it with a hairdryer, as it was a bit uncomfortable wet (hence her saying to try and keep it dry) but that just seemed to dry the top layer of tape really, and there were quite a few wet layers underneath. So it might not end up staying on for 5 days.... I have also been having problems with my hips. Well, not actually my hips, but I don't know how else to describe where it is. The bones just underneath your bottom where your hamstring attaches. I often get discomfort there, and have to pop my hip (or that bone) which is apparently when my hamstring has caught on the bone and I pop it off. That is apparently a not good thing to happen, but I do it most days, and I am used to it. But the last couple of weeks I have been getting more and more discomfort, and it either isn't popping, or popping it isn't releasing it. I don't know if it is referred pain from my back and holding myself awkwardly, or if it is because I didn't dance for a couple of weeks because of my back, or something completely unrelated to my back, but they are really uncomfortable. And when I stretch, whatever stretch I do, that is the place I feel it in, and it really hurts sometimes when I am stretching. I am trying to stretch it out, as that is what it feels like it needs, but it just seems to be getting tighter and tighter every day. I have had to change the ballet sequence so I go into the splits on my other leg, as the leg I was originally doing them on, which is usually more comfortable for me, has more pain in there, and it just hurts too much. I did ask the physio about it, and she just said to stretch my hamstrings, but that doesn't seem to be helping. I really don't need any more injuries thank you - my back is enough, I don't want something else to have to try and work around!

Next week can be a complete week off dance wise. I won't have any ballet classes because it is half term, Carousel will be finished, and luckily I didn't book a place on either of the courses I was thinking about doing. I very nearly did book for the one that was commutable, but in the event it is probably a good thing I didn't, as I think my body will probably appreciate a rest - it doesn't seem happy at the moment. The rest of this week looks to be pretty quiet apart from Carousel, so lots of sleeping and trying to relax is called for I think.

Sorry

Sorry, I have been neglecting this rather. I am too tired right now, but I will make sure that tomorrow I come on here and write about yesterday's dress rehearsal, my day today (including seeing L), and tonight's performance. But now I must sleep. I am also really behind on reading/commenting on blogs because of being out so much. I am reading everything, but may comment less than usual, as I am a day or two behind on reading, and short on time. I do hope everyone is ok though. And I will update properly tomorrow!

Tech day

I thought that today was going to be an absolute nightmare. We had the band call this morning, which I thought would probably be fine, but then we had the tech this evening, and in my experience tech rehearsals are generally a nightmare. They are the first time you get on stage with all the scenery, microphones, costumes, props etc, and generally everything that can go wrong does, and you have to repeat things endless times for the tech crew to sort X out, which is fair enough as it is their rehearsal, but it really is tedious. And of course constantly being told the rehearsal isn't for you - it is for the tech crew can be frustrating. So yes, I wasn't exactly looking forward to it - I don't think it is anyone's favourite part of a production.

I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was really stressed about one of my costumes. It is the one I have to wear for the ballet and the scene after, and I was expecting something fairly flimsy and light, and easy to dance in etc, but was given a fairly typical Victorianesque child dress - fitted body, mid calf length full skirt with a ruffle thing at the bottom, sash, etc. I was stupid - at the costume call I just checked it fitted and that the skirt was full enough for me to do the splits in, and I didn't even think about anything else. Then last night when I was trying to sleep I went into panic mode about it. I decided that a) it was too heavy and I wouldn't be able to lift my legs properly in it, b) that my pas de deux partner wouldn't be able to work with it as he is used to dancing with me in jazz pants, when he can easily grab my legs etc, without layers of fabric getting in the way, and c) that my foot would get caught on the hem attaching the ruffle bit and I would end up stuck or falling flat on my face. And basically just thinking it would be a complete and utter disaster and there would be no way I could dance in it. And I couldn't sleep because I was just getting so stressed about the whole thing and how terrible it would be. So it was late when I finally got to sleep, and then I slept really badly with loads of dreaming and waking up and tossing and turning, so I was not happy about getting up, and I was feeling pretty stressed. The day did start well as I have lost 2lbs in 2 days, so felt slightly less grotesque, and slightly more ok about being on stage and dancing etc, but I really was tired, and I just cannot shift this cold/sore throat thing I have, let alone my bad back.

I got to band call today and immediately went up to the choreographer and told her I was concerned etc. She said she had also been expecting something more floaty, and to see how I got on, and a replacement could be got if necessary. I decided to put it on at band call to give me an extra chance to try it out and see how it felt. To be fair it wasn't as terrible as it was in my head last night - I think I was catastrophising a little.... The ruffle/frill bit around the bottom is probably the biggest problem, as although there is no chance of my foot getting stuck in it like I was imagining, it is where most of the weight is, which is one of the problems both because it makes it heavier (although again, not too heavy to lift my leg like I was imagining...) and because it sets the weight of the dress in a weird position, and doesn't allow it flow like it should. It is also a shame that the material is not at all sheer/flowy as it means you can't actually see what my legs and feet are doing, which is kind of important in ballet. The dress would be absolutely fine for ensemble number dancing etc, but it just isn't right for a ballet. And because of the weird weight line it throws my balance off slightly, which isn't good. One of the chorus members had the bright idea that we could just unstitch the ruffle and get the costume woman to sew it back on before returning it to the hire place, but I am not sure about that - sounds a bit dodgy! Anyway, it wasn't as bad as I was expecting - my centre felt a bit out as I said, and you can't see my legs/feet which is a shame after all the work the choreographer has put in, but it won't be the end of the world if I have to use it - it will just be a shame. It felt worse in the band call this morning than it did during the actual tech rehearsal, but I think that is partly because the venue the band call was in had a really slippery floor, as so wasn't good for dancing in full stop. The choreographer was great about it though - I asked if the director would have a problem with me changing the dress, as he liked it at the costume call, and she said 'Well, you are my dancer, and if you aren't happy with it and I'm not happy with it, then it doesn't really matter what he thinks to be honest - it is primarily a dance costume, so I have the final say!' so it was really good to know that she would support me, as I had expected her to just say something along the lines of not being sure there was anything they could do about it etc. Her, the director, and the costumier are going to the hire place tomorrow, as there are several more costumes needed because of the ones being sent not fitting etc, so they are going to see if they can find anything more suitable for me, but if not I will just have to make do with what I have.

The actual tech rehearsal went surprisingly smoothly! I don't even like saying that, as I feel like it is somehow jinxing the dress rehearsal, but it really did! It was definitely the easiest tech I have ever been involved with. You normally have to stop so often, but I think we only had 2 proper stops, possibly 3, which is really pretty good going. There was one that affected me - the middle tabs go across at the end of the scene before the ballet, and the scene continues front of tabs as it merges into the ballet scene, and the tech crew have to change the set behind the tabs, and then the tabs open and I start the dance, but they hadn't set the scene in time, and so the music for the ballet started and the tabs were still closed, so I just danced around behind the tabs for a little while until the director stopped the show and got them to reset the previous scene and do the set change again to see if they could do it in time, and it worked fine that time, so hopefully it won't be a problem in the future. The ballet went fine, despite the dress. Dr Theatre worked his magic and stopped my back hurting the whole time I was performing, although I was in a lot of pain when I finished. The only other things I was really concerned about was a couple of things I have to do very quickly - the first is put my radio mic on after the ballet but before I have to enter for the next scene, which is about 30 seconds, but with someone helping me we managed it in time - I was a bit worried as I can't have it on for the ballet as the mic pack would probably get in the way with the lifts etc, but I have to have it on for the next scene. The other thing was a very quick costume change - I have to change out of the dress I am wearing for the ballet, which means undoing the sash, unclipping the pin mic, zipping the dress, getting out of the dress, getting out of my shoes, and then putting on a petticoat, long white socks (would have been tights, but thought socks would be quicker to get on, and look the same as the dress is long), a different dress, different ballet shoes, another sash, attaching the pin mic to the new dress, and putting in a hair slide with a bow on it in maybe a minute and a half. It is definitely a pretty quick change - one to be done in the wings for sure and with 2 people helping. We managed it with about 15 seconds to go I think, so that was pretty good - 15 seconds is a lot in a change that quick, but there is definitely not going to be time to get back to the dressing room, even though it is number 1, and therefore closest to the stage - just through the stage door. But that's ok - I have done plenty of changes in the wings before, and I seem to have someone pretty efficient helping me, so hopefully it will be fine!

In between the band call and the start of the tech I went out for a meal with some of the other cast members - the girl playing my mother, who I think is one of the most genuine, lovely people I have ever met - she is just so sweet and caring to everyone, and then 3 of the girls from the ensemble. We went to Pizza Express. It was nice. They are a really nice crowd. A couple of things were a bit difficult - firstly the obvious - eating out is always difficult for me. I desperately wanted to purge but couldn't as for some reason we all went to the toilets together at the end of the meal, so there was no way that was going to happen. So that was tough. I tried to keep telling myself it was the only meal I was going to get today and so it was ok, and that I was dancing too, but I am sure I will have gained weight tomorrow, and that will be far from ok. Then the other thing that was slightly uncomfortable was that my 'mother' mentioned her husband being away at the moment, as his 19 year old brother had died, and it turned out to be a suicide, and one of the ensemble girls said her uncle had killed himself and she had been the last person to speak to him, and so it lead into a bit of talk about suicide, and I just didn't know what to say. None of them know that I have mental health problems or anything, and it didn't seem an appropriate time to mention that I have tried to kill myself a couple of times, so I just sat there and felt a little awkward. But it was good apart from those two things.

This was meant to just be very quick before I went to bed, and I have ended up writing loads. I should have learnt by now that I am not good at writing a little bit. Luckily I don't have to be up early tomorrow. I do need to get some eyelashes at some point, as we are apparently supposed to wear false eyelashes I discovered today - I will be shit at putting them on, I might have to get the make up people to do it for me. I am just not good at things like that! There is a possibility I will have to go over to the costume hire place to try on dresses, but I expect the choreographer will sort it out without me needing to go over there. Then I have ballet 5:45 - 6:45, and then the dress rehearsal starts at 7:30. I am tempted to try and book another physio appointment for either tomorrow or Tuesday, as my back still isn't better, and maybe there is some treatment they could do now that would make more of a difference. It is better than it was, but it does still give me quite a lot of pain, and I don't think it should be 3 weeks after I hurt it, particularly with the quantity of painkillers I have been taking! Just a shame it is so expensive! I hope the dress rehearsal goes as well as the tech did - if it does then it should be a good show.

Home alone

I didn't go to the wedding. I set my alarm for 8 this morning so that I could decide, but I still couldn't decide, and just ended up getting increasingly stressed about it as I just couldn't decide whether or not to go. I knew that whatever I did I would regret - if I went I would have spent the whole day exhausted, and also probably been pretty bored in the middle of the day when my parents were at the wedding breakfast, and spent lots of the day wishing I was at home, and also been exhausted tomorrow. But then not going would just mean sitting here on my own for 13 hours or so and feeling guilty for not being at my cousin's wedding etc. So it was a lose lose situation really. I ended up getting more and more worked up and just wound up in a hysterical state, which of course ended up making it so late that I didn't have a choice about whether or not to go as it was too late. I do think that not going was probably the right decision. I would have liked to see my cousin get married etc, but when I have such a busy week ahead it probably wouldn't have been the best idea. Particularly since I still have a cold and earache etc, plus my back.

So I am just sitting here watching crap TV (have so far watched Monk, Come Dine With Me, am now on Ugly Betty, and then comes Harry Hill followed by X Factor....). I am thinking I should probably get something to eat as I haven't eaten yet today and it is 6:45, but I have gained so much weight lately, and am feeling so terrible about my weight, that I really don't want to eat anything so that my weight will have gone down tomorrow. Also I don't know what I would have, and can't really be bothered to get anything, and I don't actually think I am even hungry. But I know that once I start eating I won't be able to stop. Although I really am pretty exhausted, so maybe I would be able to, because I wouldn't want to keep going downstairs. I don't know. I just feel pretty crap and tired and unmotivated.

The straw that broke the camel's back

I think my body hates me. Firstly, I hurt my back. My fault, fair enough, but why is it still not better?? I hurt it 2 and a half weeks ago (and then hurt it more 2 weeks ago), but I did then give it 10 days of complete rest and lots of anti inflammatory tablets and painkillers and a physio appointment and Tiger Balm, so I think I treated it nicely. But it still isn't better. It is still hurting me. Both my GP and the physio told me it would be completely better by now, and it is far from that. It is better than it was, but it still hurts a lot, and is definitely not completely better. I have been dancing this week, because I just couldn't afford to take any more time off rehearsing, but I have taken out the lift that was most likely to cause a problem, as it was how I originally hurt it, and today was the first time I have danced full out and done all of the other lifts etc. But it is definitely hurting. Although Tiger Balm is a godsend, and helps far more than any painkillers.

Then there is this cold/sore throat/earache thing I have going on. I don't feel terribly congested, which is supposedly what is wrong with my ear, as I can breathe through my nose etc, but my ear is still hurting despite the enormous quantities of painkillers I am taking for my back, and it feels weird - like when you have been swimming and have water stuck in your ear and everything sounds strange, except I haven't been swimming and got water stuck in my ear. And then the sore throat/cough thing. Then I also have 4 mouth ulcers which are pretty uncomfortable to say the least, and finally, just to add insult to injury, I got a spot today. Fabulous.

So I think it is safe to say that my body hates me. Or I am very run down. Or a combination of the two. Can bodies hate you? If they can I am going with that. Otherwise I suppose it is just stress and lack of sleep and bad timing.

I went to ballet last night despite feeling shit. I had missed 2 full weeks because of my back, and so decided that I really shouldn't let a cold stop me from going. It was ok, although possibly did make my back a little worse, although it is hard to tell really. Then tonight I had rehearsal, plus an extra dance rehearsal before to go through the pas de deux in the ballet as we have had so little rehearsal time. I think we have got it sorted now. My back hurt quite a lot after, but I don't have to dance again until Sunday now, so I have a couple of recovery days. And there isn't much I can do about it anyway. There isn't anyone who could replace me at this stage, so I just have to get on with it. It apparently looked beautiful (although I suspect that is a gross exaggeration) so at least I am not hurting myself for nothing...

Tomorrow I have a costume call in the evening, and have told my mum I will go shopping with her in the day. My cousin is getting married on Saturday and she apparently has nothing to wear, so I have to help her find something. I don't know whether to go to the wedding or not. It is all a bit difficult really. I would like to go, because it is my favourite cousin getting married, but I would need to travel there with my parents for the wedding at 12. They are then invited to the wedding breakfast in the afternoon, but I am not, and would therefore have about 6 hours to kill before the evening reception started, and I have no idea how I would fill that much time. Originally I was actually going to be invited to the wedding breakfast, but my siblings weren't, as they are all married with children, and the place they are having it is expensive, and all of them going would basically mean an extra 12 people. But my mother knew my sister would have an almighty strop if I was invited and she wasn't, so she told them not to invite me either. So I would have to leave the house at 10:30 with my parents, go to the wedding itself at 12, then find something to do for lots of hours until the evening reception started at 7. So that is a bit of a problem. I would like to see my cousin get married - I have always liked him, ever since he used to play hide and seek with me when I was little, despite being a lot older. In fact, I used to say that I was going to marry him when I was very young, before I realised that marrying your cousin wasn't the done thing. But 6 hours - what on earth could I do for 6 hours?!

The other problem with it is that I don't know what time I would get home, and I have to be at the band call for Carousel at 10 the next morning, until 2, then be at the theatre at 5 for the tech rehearsal, which should finish about 10, so I will be out the house for about 13 hours on Sunday, which is obviously a very long day, and it wouldn't be ideal to precede that with another long day. Plus techs tend to be pretty stressful, and hellish, as everything that can go wrong does, and you suddenly realise you are going to have to completely reset certain scenes, or the staging isn't what you were expecting, or your costume proves to be a nightmare, and you end up having to stop every 3 minutes because a lighting cue hasn't worked etc, and you keep being reminded that the tech rehearsal isn't for the actors, it is for the tech crew, but that doesn't make it any less of a nightmare, and everyone leaves thoroughly disheartened. Or that is my experience of techs anyway. Then on Monday I have the dress rehearsal, and am intending to go to ballet before as there won't be an issue timing wise, then I have performances Tuesday onwards. So the next week and a half is going to be pretty hectic.

So I can't decide whether I want to go out all day to a wedding the day before all that kicks off. The obvious answer would be no - it would be a fucking stupid thing to do when I am already ill and injured and tired and everything else. But weddings are special - it isn't like I can decide to go another day instead. But I just keep wondering what on earth I could do with those 6 hours in the middle, and do I really want to be out late the day before tech, or is that just asking for trouble? And if I do decide to go to the wedding then I also need to find something to wear tomorrow. What do you wear to a wedding in the autumn when the weather is crap? I only know what you wear to summer weddings. I also need to dye my hair tomorrow as it needs to be darker for the show really. Too much to do.

I am still feeling shit, but there isn't much to say about that really. Nothing new. My weight had gone up today, and I felt absolutely terrible about it. I then rectified the sitation by eating nothing but junk food all day, which will ensure another gain tomorrow, and I will therefore feel even worse. T came over this afternoon to watch DVDs, and brought with him an enormous pizza and a chocolate orange. Actually he brought 2 enormous pizzas, but I only cooked 1 of them as there was no way I was eating more than half of one of those. So my food intake today has consisted of half a (giant) pizza, quarter of a chocolate orange, then at rehearsal there were jaffa cakes and Cadbury caramel nibbles, which I had quite a few of, and then a chocolate cookie my mum had brought home from work after rehearsal. So ermm the only non chocolate item of food I have eaten today is half a pizza. How spectacularly unhealthy and fattening. I really do disgust myself sometimes. So yes, weight is shit, will be even shitter tomorrow, feel depressed and suicidal, too much on, ill, injured, and have a spot. Life is going well. And yes, the spot does fucking matter. I am currently viewing it as the straw that broke the camel's back. A little tiny thing but just made me feel everything that could possibly be wrong, is.

Still ill

I am not feeling well again today. I don't actually seem to have too much of a cold, but my left ear hurts and feels like it has water in it - everything sounds a bit muffled, and my head just feels fuzzy and I am a bit dizzy. I am also very tired, and my back still isn't better. I am taking lots of painkillers, so it is kind of crap that my ear and back still hurt. I have ballet tonight. I am really not in the mood for it - I feel pretty rough so staying in bed seems like a much better idea, particularly given that this will be the last night I won't have to be out for the next week and a half, but it is over 2 weeks until I have been to ballet, and my back isn't so bad that I can't go, so I feel like I should.

I wanted to go to the Doctor today to see if my ear was infected, or if it was just hurting so much because of congestion, and it seems to just be congestion, so there isn't much I can do about that really. Yet another thing wrong that I can't do anything about - great! I didn't actually see a doctor - it was a nurse who can prescribe. Not entirely sure what the difference is now that nurses can prescribe actually. Obviously the training, but I am not sure what the difference is in what they can do.

I just feel really crap. It seems like everything that can be wrong at the moment has gone wrong. Bad ear, bad back, cold, sore throat, fuzzy head. Plus hating my weight, feeling shit, etc etc. I just feel really terrible.

Another whole week...

I don't know what to do. I am feeling pretty crappy, which is probably evident from my last few blog posts. Not being able to see L today made it worse. The obvious thing to do would be to contact her and see if she could see me any other time this week rather than waiting another whole week, but that feels really difficult for a few reasons. Firstly, it sounds really stupid, but when an appointment has been cancelled I don't like to be the one to contact her - I want her to contact me. I am aware of how needy that sounds, and maybe I am, but if the CMHT call and cancel one of my appointments with her, then I really do find it difficult to be the one to make contact next, even if I know I need to speak to her. I suppose I just go into a little sulk because I feel like I don't matter when appointments are cancelled, and if I am the one who makes contact then I just feel resentful, whereas if she contacts me then I come out of the sulk and it is ok again. I still feel jealous and pissed off with whoever has taken my appointment time, but I do know that she wouldn't cancel unless she has to, and that it therefore isn't her fault. But I really dislike being told that she can't see me by the CMHT rather than her. Childish? Absolutely. But it just presses all my abandonment and rejection buttons, and I don't know how to deal with it. So that is one reason why I don't feel like I can contact her for an appointment.

Also, common sense makes me think that if she had any time free this week that she could have seen me in, then she would have told them to offer me that appointment slot, rather than waiting another whole week, and therefore it would be pointless contacting her. This is probably true - she is very busy, so probably has no other times free. And so contacting her to try and see her this week would just end up being like a double rejection, as she couldn't see me today, and then wouldn't be able to see me any other day either, plus I would have been the one to contact her and I would resent that. And finally, I feel like if she does have time free later in the week, I must not deserve it. I am sure there must be other people more important than me, and if she felt like I deserved that time then she would have offered it right? Or rather told the receptionist to offer it. And in that case I would just feel stupid for asking. And like I was wasting her time.

So basically, I don't feel like I can contact her. But I really feel like I need to see her. I feel shit, and a week feels like a really, really long time when I am feeling like this. The last week has been difficult, and this week isn't looking like it is going to be any easier. I just want to hide away and not see anyone, and instead I have to go out to rehearsals every night, and pretend that everything is fine when it really isn't. And the only release I ever get, when I can actually be honest about how I am feeling, and don't have to put up a front, is when I see L. So that hour a week really matters a lot, and losing it when I am feeling this low is really difficult. But contacting her and not being able to see her, which is the most likely outcome, would be even more difficult. I just don't seem to be able to cope with life at all at the moment. Little things are sending me into a complete spin, and this has just made me lose any remaining feelings I had of being able to cope.

Bad day

The CMHT just called and cancelled my appointment with L for this afternoon. They said that she has been called out to an emergency and would see me next Tuesday. That is a whole fucking week away and I feel shit. I might try and call tomorrow, but I don't know. I just feel really upset and disappointed. I always find cancelled appointments hard, and I have only seen her twice since not seeing her for 6 weeks. Plus I am feeling crap anyway and could have done with someone to talk to.

My friend went this morning. I love her, but it is really quite stressful spending a lot of time with someone as ill as she is at the moment. I did discover today that my weight damage wasn't quite as awful as I thought it was though - I have gained, but actually only 1lb, as I had already gained a bit before she came. I really need to lose as much as I possibly can in the next week before the show though. I suppose realistically I am not going to be able to lose more than 2lbs, and even that could be difficult. I am 4lbs heavier than what I had in my head as the maximum weight I could be for this show.

I am not feeling very well. I had a sore throat and a bit of a headache yesterday, and it feels worse and I also have a cold and earache today as well. I am already on shit loads of painkillers for my back, so to be feeling ill whilst taking them is a bit crap really. My back still isn't better. It is definitely better than it was, but it does still hurt, and it is certainly not completely better like I was hoping it would be by now. I danced at rehearsal last night - I missed out a couple of lifts that I thought would be particularly bad for it, but I did everything else. It is possibly slightly worse today, so I maybe shouldn't have done as much as I did. I have rehearsal again tonight, so I need to think about how much I should do, or can do without aggravating it. Making it worse now would be about the worst thing I could do, so I need to be careful.

I don't know what to do with myself really. I feel really awful, and the suicidal thoughts I wrote about yesterday are really strong, but I can't act on them, and that is making me feel really trapped and desperate.

Had enough

I am feeling pretty shitty. It has been hard having my friend here. She is lovely, and it is great to see her, but it does feel like a lot of pressure, and I worry about how ill she is. I have also gained a lot of weight whilst she has been here. I am back to being as heavy as I was when I was in Cornwall I think. I say I think because I haven't weighed myself today, but I had gained 3lbs by yesterday, and ate an amount yesterday that would have made me gain weight for sure. So I am finding that incredibly hard to deal with. I was supposed to lose weight before Carousel - I had a goal weight, and then I had a weight that would be vaguely acceptable but a lot higher than I wanted, and I am about 5lbs higher than the second weight. I feel like a disgusting lump. And really sorry for the poor guy who has to lift me in the show. I really hate myself. I feel hideous. Just thinking about what I look like and my size makes me want to cry. I feel like such a failure for gaining weight, and for not having lost more in the weeks before this. I really do hate myself so much.

My back still isn't better. It is starting to feel a bit better, but it isn't completely better by any means, and I don't know how to balance rehearsing, which I obviously need to do since I only have 1 week to the show, with not making it worse, which would be a complete disaster. I want to just be able to do everything I need to, but I really cannot afford risking hurting it again. But leaving it much longer just makes it dodgier and dodgier in terms of rehearsing. So it is all a bit of a problem. I really expected it all to be completely better by now, and the fact that it isn't is obviously a pretty big problem.

I am not sure what to do tonight. I have a rehearsal, and there is the option of going to ballet. I think I could cope with ballet with my back like this as long as I didn't push it too much, but if I don't go to ballet then I can stay at home for 3 hours longer than if I go, as I am only in Act 2 of Carousel and so don't need to be there for the beginning of rehearsal, whereas if I go to ballet I will just have to stay for the whole thing. I kind of want to do ballet because I want to burn off some calories, but I just feel too grotesque to put myself in a leotard and tights - I don't think I can face it.

I really am feeling pretty low at the moment. Obviously partly the weight stuff is upsetting me, but it is more than that. My mood is just really low. I am having really strong suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't do anything now because of Carousel and not wanting to let people down, but I have been having very strong thoughts about doing it once the show is out of the way. I just don't want to be here. I suppose there is a chance things will change before then, but I doubt it very much. I don't remember the last day when I wouldn't have rather been dead. Sometimes I don't feel like I need to act on the feelings - it is just that given the choice between being dead and alive I would always choose death, but other times I just feel like I absolutely cannot cope with being alive and I just need to make everything stop, and that is what is going on at the moment. I really wish euthanasia was legal, and legal for people with mental health problems. I have just had enough, and I really feel like suicide is the right (maybe only?) option. I am exhausted. I wish I could just give up now, but I have to keep going for the next couple of weeks, I have to get through this show. But I just can't keep doing this. I really have had enough.

Yet more career talk...

Firstly, thank you to everyone who has replied to my last couple of posts. I really appreciate all of the input, and I am particularly grateful to those people who have come out of hiding to do so! It is funny, because even though I know my blog gets more hits a day then I get comments, I kind of just think of the people who comment, and other who I know read it as being my readers - it is funny that there are people out there I have never spoken to who read what is going on in my life. But I do really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. I normally reply to comments within comments, but there are lots, and lots with a similar message, so I thought I would just write another post.

I agree with everyone who said that going from nothing to 50+ hours a week is probably not that sensible, and that I would need to find some way of gradually increasing what I do. This is more difficult than it sounds though. I am already involved in about all I can be performing related at a local level - I have always done dance classes as you all probably know, and then this year I have got back into being in productions as well - I have Carousel in a week, and I did a 1 act play in May, then The Tempest in August, and now Carousel, and then the concert I have talked about in December. I do have a lot of free time, but it is all during the day - my evenings are actually very busy, and that is when all non professional performing things (classes, rehearsals etc) tend to take place. There is an extra ballet class I could do during the day if I had transport, but that is literally about it. So I am already involved in pretty much everything I can be locally in terms of performing. So basically that isn't really an option as a stepping stone to drama school. There is also a bit of an issue going on with it. Like I said, I have done 3 productions this year now, but I haven't enjoyed any of them. I auditioned for all of them despite not feeling enthusiastic at the time, as I hoped that once rehearsals started and I got into it I would get my enthusiasm back. But it didn't work. I was planning to audition for another show once Carousel is over (either Crazy For You or Beauty and the Beast if anyone is interested!) but I don't know whether I should or not. I keep just thinking that surely something will have to click and I will end up enjoying it, but this year every rehearsal has felt like a chore rather than something to enjoy - I don't think there has been a single time when I have looked forward to going. And that a) makes me wonder if there is any point auditioning for another show whilst I am feeling so bad, and b) makes me wonder if it is totally ridiculous even considering applying for drama school. I just have no enthusiasm or passion at all. Occasionally it flares up, like when I see a show and it is really amazing and I leave almost hurting because I want to do that so much, or sometimes when I am listening to a show recording or watching a video on youtube or something. But most of the time I just feel flat. And if I can't get interested in performing, then why am I trying to do more? Maybe I should just leave it until I start feeling like I want to do it again. Or maybe I should keep going, because at least it gets me out of the house and doing something. I don't know.

There are other things I could do locally that aren't performing - I have taught Speech and Drama in a school before, and could do so again, and I have also choreographed and been assistant director for another school's musical, so I have experience, and could probably find something if I wanted to. But again, there is just a complete lack of enthusiasm. When I was doing the teaching I dreaded going in. I didn't enjoy doing it. I was constantly told how good I was at it, but I didn't like doing it 99% of the time. I think partly because children just aren't my thing, partly because I don't really have any interest in teaching, partly because I felt so awful and low and couldn't focus properly, and partly because I didn't like having to get up and go out and be around people. I could do it again, in fact it would probably be greatly appreciated, but I just don't think I can make myself do it. I used to come home feeling so awful - it makes my mood worse doing something when I don't feel up to it, plus I don't sleep well enough to be able to get up in the morning, and then the days were too long so I was constantly exhausted. It just felt like too much. It was only a couple of days a week, but even that just felt too much. I suppose if I had been doing something I loved it might have been different, but I don't know if I do love anything at the moment. The choreographing/ADing was better - partly because it was just a couple of hours a week, and in the afternoon, so less stressful and less tiring, and partly because the children were older, and I prefer working with older children. But doing that again isn't really an option due to a) a change of staff at the school where I did it, and b) them choosing to do shit productions since then that I would have had no desire whatsoever to get involved in.

JaneB suggested other types of performing, ie not professional musical theatre/acting, which is a perfectly valid suggestion, but to be honest this isn't really something I am interested in. I don't like performing because I like standing up in front of people and talking - it is really theatre that means a lot to me. I obviously wouldn't turn down film or TV work if offered (I would have to be crazy to, as the money is always tonnes more, even for an advert or something, and you take what you are offered in acting), but it is theatre that I am really passionate about, and musical theatre in particular. Doing something like tour guide work just would not appeal to me, and theatre in education is most actors' worst nightmare! I do have experience of something in this field, ie something that could be considered performing, but isn't theatre or anything - I was a participant at a well known re-enactment place one summer, and it was ok - some days I quite liked it, other days I just wanted to get out of there, but there is no way I would ever want to do something like that as a job - it just isn't the type of thing that appeals to me.

As an actor I am fairly conventional I suppose - I have friends who have done Community Theatre, or more experimental types of theatre etc, but that has never appealed to me. I like being given a script and working with a good director etc. If there are songs and dances then so much the better, but I do love straight plays too. But devising and experimental theatre just is not my thing. I obviously want to have creative input into a production, but not in terms of devising the concept or writing the script. And I suppose that is essentially why I need to go to drama school - because the particular career path that interests me is pretty much a closed shop, and without drama school I can't access it. But I need to be well enough for drama school, and I don't think I am at the moment. But doing something else in theatre that wasn't performing would just be too painful for me - working backstage or in production would just constantly make me wish I was the one on stage, and it would just be too close. I think it would be better to do something completely unrelated than try to be involved in the theatre in another way - that would just hurt too much. I would spend every day feeling like I had failed, and being close to it would just be like rubbing my face in it.

What I don't know, is how I can take steps to get to the point where I am able to cope with moving out and going to drama school. I know the treatment I think would be most likely to help me, and have for some time, but it isn't an option, and I feel like I have tried everything else. So I don't know how to get better mental health wise. And in terms of taking steps activity/work wise, it is difficult. As I said, I am doing all the performing I can locally already. Getting a job feels like more than I can cope with at the moment. I feel stuck. I feel like to be able to even start taking the steps I would need to in order to build up to being ready for drama school, my mental health would need to be better - I would need to be able to get through a few hours without thinking about suicide, and feel less overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings, and more able to leave the house. To not have weeks at a time where I would just feel too overwhelmed to go to work or whatever. But I don't know how I can reach that point. I wish I could get appropriate treatment, but it isn't available. And as great as I think L is, she is a CPN, not a miracle worker. She supports me enormously, and helps keep me alive at times, but she can't cure me or change how I feel or think. I just cannot see my life ever changing, and that makes me even more depressed. I don't want to be stuck living at home or in supported housing in 10 years time, or 5 years time, or even 2 years time. If I am alive, I want to live - not be in this weird limbo that I am in now. But I just can't do it. It all feels too much and overwhelms me.

More future talk...

Thank you very much for all of the replies to the last post. Although everyone offered slightly different opinions, the general consensus did seem to be that I should apply this year, and a lot of people though that doing the 1 week course would be a good idea. My issue with the 1 week course isn't much to do with the course, but mostly to do with the accommodation. I contacted the college a few weeks ago to ask what they recommended for accommodation, and basically it isn't something I can see suiting me at all well, even for 1 week. It is a big house, and the landlady provides all the food (problem number 1 - I am incredibly fussy, and then obviously also eating disordered, and just think that would be a massive problem), and also the bedrooms are all shared with up to 5 people a room. I value my privacy far, far too much to consider sharing a room, even for a week. I would just find it completely stifling, and I just couldn't cope with it. If I had a friend in London I could stay with then I would definitely give it a go, but there isn't anyone, and so accommodation is definitely a problem. The alternative to the accommodation suggested by the college would be to find somewhere else, maybe at one of the YMCAs or a cheap B&B or something, but I am concerned that if I did that I would be very isolated in the evenings, as I would be on my own, which isn't great when I am feeling bad, and there is also still an issue with food. So accommodation would be a big concern.

Applying for 2011 entry for full time courses is difficult for several reasons. Firstly, if I had an audition come up and I was feeling how I have been lately I just couldn't go - I couldn't face it. You also have to put in an awful lot of work for audition preparation - finding suitable monologues is a case of spending hours and hours and hours in somewhere reading through hundreds of plays, and I just don't have the concentration to do that at the moment. Then you have to put in a lot of hours of work over at least a few months learning and preparing them, which I also don't have the concentration or motivation for. Technically this should all be done before you even send off audition forms, as you sometimes only get a couple of weeks notice of an audition date (although usually it is longer), and I would want to send my forms off by the end of November at the absolute latest - my original plan was October. So I am starting to push it a bit time wise, but I just haven't been in a good enough place to be preparing, and I still don't really feel up to it if I am honest. I am also worried because if I am doing auditions I need to be well enough to focus on it so completely - there is no point going to an audition if I am feeling shit, as it will not go well - if you are't completely connecting to your monologue then they can see and there is no point in going. I have had that before - I auditioned at a very good school and was feeling pretty crap, wasn't expecting to get through to the recall stage and yet somehow did, and I completely fell to pieces. I ended up having a proper panic attack (not in the actual audition, but when I was waiting to go back in) and then when I went in I was just absolutely shit, and they could so obviously tell something was wrong - after I had finished and gone out one of them came out and spoke to me and asked me to go back in, presumably to give me another chance as I had been so shit, but I was no better. And it just really destroyed my confidence - I usually really enjoy auditions, and being so terrible at that one worried me. But you can't bullshit your way through - if you aren't on top form there is always someone else who will be, and realistically I am not likely to be on top form much of the time when I am feeling as bad as I do the majority of the time. Plus it is expensive. Audition fees are a lot of money, and if I was applying then I would want to apply for a lot of colleges, as I don't see the point in just applying for a couple, so realistically it would be about £400 in audition fees, and then travelling fees, and sometimes I would need overnight accommodation too. It really does end up an expensive process, and so for obvious reasons I don't want to apply if I don't feel like I am going to have a good chance or be able to do my best.

I am aware I am sounding really negative, which I suppose should tell me something. I think the trouble is, if I am honest I don't feel like I am nearly ready or well enough to be auditioning for full time courses, but I feel like I need to, because I don't know how I will ever be able to change things to make myself well enough to do this, and every year that goes by I feel like I have wasted another year. But I feel like if I tried to apply at the moment I just wouldn't want to go to any of the auditions, I wouldn't feel up to it, and I would end up making myself stressed and more ill over it all. I suppose I have essentially answered my own question, but I don't want that to be the answer. I want to feel able to do it. I want to want to do it. I want to really care about something - to love doing it, and for it to excite me and make me happy. To look forward to rehearsals and auditions, rather than dreading them as I do now. I want to have my passion back. And I don't know how to get it. I just feel numb and dead. I feel like I am just a shell, and everything that made up me, and who I was, has disappeared, and I don't know if it will ever come back.

Pressured and wanting advice

I am feeling quite pressured at the moment. Well, I have been for a few months actually. I am not sure what to do. It is about my future etc. Obviously people often ask me what I do, and I have to say nothing. They ask what I want to do and I say perform. Then sometimes they ask if I want to go to drama school and I say yes. They ask if I am applying. And that is where I am not sure. I have applied in the past, and had final recalls but not places. Getting a place on an accredited course at a drama school is tough - most of them take between 1% and 4% of applicants per year, so obviously it is stiff competition. But that isn't really the issue. I don't mind doing auditions - sometimes I even quite enjoy them, and if I don't get a place I can reapply - that is almost the expected thing to do. The issue is if I got a place, realistically would I be well enough to take it? It is really long hours - 50 contact hours a week would be the minimum, and usually it would be a lot more than that. And a lot of pressure. And I think you really have to be pretty stable to cope. It isn't unusual for people who have previously been fine to end up having breakdowns and having to leave. People assume that performing is just a nice, fun, light, easy thing to do, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

So every year I have the dilemma of whether I think I would be well enough to go the next September if I were to get a place, and therefore whether or not to apply. Last year I couldn't - I was having all the problems with my voice, and so it didn't even come up. But now that is resolved to a large extent I am back to not knowing what to do. There surely has to be a limit to how many years I can sit at home doing nothing, but when nothing has changed in terms of how I feel etc, how can I expect to be able to switch to doing something very demanding, with very long hours? My mum is taking it as a given that I will be applying for drama school this year. She keeps asking me if I have got my audition pieces sorted and if I have sent off my forms etc yet. My singing teacher who I saw in the summer for my voice asked if I was going to be applying when I saw her. The general expectation from people seems to be that I will apply, which is understandable really because you aren't meant to just do nothing, and performing is the only thing I have ever wanted to do. But I don't know what to do. I can't imagine being able to cope with it, but then will I ever be able to?

I am not getting any younger. If I did apply and get a place for next September, I would be 25 when I started. That isn't that young. Ok for acting, starting to be quite old for musical theatre. Still ok, but definitely on the old side. Already too old for dance based musical theatre. So there is time pressure there. Everyone gives me the whole 'you're young, you can do whatever you want, you have your whole life ahead of you' line, but that is only true to an extent with performing. And that is the only thing I have ever wanted to do. I just want to be better. I want to be able to cope with things in the way that everyone else does. I don't want 'could I cope with this?' to be the thing running through my head at auditions. And it always is. It isn't just the course. That would be a lot of work and very stressful of course, but there is more to it than that. It would mean moving out. Having to look after myself properly. Having to flat share with other people. That would be really hard. If there weren't immaculately clean in the kitchen then I wouldn't go near it, which could be a problem. There are so many things that could be a problem.

I don't know what to do. Performing really is the only thing I have ever wanted to do. I was looking at prospecti from drama schools from when I was about 11, desperately wanting be 18 so I could go there. But by that time everything had gone wrong. And it has never been right since. If I can't do this then I don't know what I can do. It sounds really melodramatic, but if I am not going to achieve the only thing I have ever wanted to do then I really don't see the point in being alive. There is a 1 week course the week after Carousel at one of the colleges in London that I was planning to do, but thinking about it terrifies me. Not the course itself as such, but being away, having to live with other people for the week, how I would cope etc. And if I can't even cope with the thought of a one week course, then applying for 3 year courses seems fairly ridiculous. I really don't know what to do. If I decide not to apply this year I don't know how to explain it to people, and I also worry that I go through this every single year, and nothing ever actually changes, and I don't know how it ever will. I could tell my mum, and anyone else who asks, that I am not going to be applying this year, but ultimately that isn't actually going to solve anything. I am still going to be left in this weird limbo where I can't cope with doing the only thing that I have ever wanted to do, and can't see how I can change things to make myself able to do it. And if this is going to be my life then I don't want it.

I honestly don't know what to do. Do I a) get on with it and do the applications and auditions and see how I get on and then decide (expensive due to audition fees but an option) b) Force myself to do this 1 week course in a few weeks and see how I cope with that, even though the thought of it currently absolutely terrifies me. There is an alternative 4 day course that I could commute to daily, but to an extent that would defeat the object as living away is a large part of it, plus the other college is somewhere I would want to apply to - this one would just be doing it to work on skills, c) accept that I am not going find a miracle cure in 11 months and leave it all for this year and maybe every other year too, and accept that realistically this isn't something that I am going to be able to do, or d) other. Please reply with your thoughts. I really genuinely would like as many opinions as possible, and what you think I should do - a, b, c, or a suggestion you have? So even if you don't usually comment, I would really appreciate it if you would reply to this. You can even comment if you don't have an account - I have anonymous commenting enabled. Thank you.

Sleeplessness

I cannot fucking cope with this lack of sleep. I slept for about 3 and a half hours last night, have now been awake for 17 and a half hours, have taken a Diazepam and a Zopiclone, and I still can't sleep. It is 3:30am. I spent the whole day absolutely exhausted and have been feeling completely drained and really shit, and now I can't sleep. I am desperate to sleep, and I am exhausted, but just not sleepy. I don't know what to do. I am too tired to even think straight, and yet I can't sleep. Last night I was exhausted and yet still couldn't sleep until 6:15am, and even then kept waking up. Admittedly I hadn't had a Zopiclone then, just a Diazepam, as I needed to be able to get up this morning, but I still spent the night incredibly tired and yet unable to sleep. I was so convinced that if I didn't nap at all today that I would sleep well tonight, but no. I feel like my body is betraying me in every way it can - first not losing weight despite eating an amount that should have made me lose a good half pound, and now not being able to sleep despite being completely exhausted. I feel like crying, but I am too bloody knackered.