Anger, jealousy, and anxiety

I am a) absolutely furious, and b) feeling really shit. Which isn't a great combination really. The anger is because as I wrote about a couple of months ago (here) I had to start looking after my 5 year old nephew after he finished school on Thursdays, until my sister could get here to pick him up. Although it doesn't sound like a big deal, I have found it incredibly stressful, and I have got into a complete state at times as I have been so panicked about it. There were also a couple of times when I was supposed to be seeing T, but wasn't able to because I had to be at home to look after my nephew, and that obviously annoyed me because I don't often see friends, and so when I can, and feel like it, I don't want to not be able to because I have to look after my nephew. So every week I told my mum that I really didn't want to do it, and how anxious it made me, and then in the end after having to tell T yet again that I wouldn't be able to see him because of looking after my nephew, I said to my mum that was the last week I would do it, and they would have to make other arrangements for the next week. Naturally they didn't, and I had to do it again, and was really angry that I had been completely ignored yet again, and said I really was not going to do it anymore. She asked if I could just keep doing it until half term (last week) as that would give my sister time to make other arrangements, so I agreed to that, but said I was absolutely not going to do it after that, and that if I was needed for the odd afternoon because someone was ill or something then that was one thing, but I did not want it as a weekly commitment. So as far as I was concerned my responsibilites with that had finished a couple of weeks ago. Then on Monday, my mum asked me what was going to happen about him this week. I said I was under the impression that she had told my sister I wouldn't be looking after him anymore weeks and weeks ago when we discussed it, as the whole point was that she would have time until after half term to find another arrangement. Turned out she hadn't actually mentioned it at all, as she said she knew my sister would say how selfish and mean I was and how I only thought about myself, and she would be able to see her point. I said I didn't care, I wasn't doing it, and she said she would call her. I then didn't think anything more about it, until I heard hammering on the door this afternoon. Assumed it was a delivery or something, went downstairs, and there was my nephew. I was absolutely furious. I hate that my feelings are just completely ignored - I have said so many times that I just find it too stressful, and it makes me really upset and anxious, plus I don't want to be tied down and not able to arrange other things if I want to, but it seems like that is completely unimportant. My sister is such a bully, and as long as everything suits her then she doesn't actually give a shit about whether something suits other people, or how it makes them feel. And I am really angry with my mum for telling me weeks and weeks ago that I only had to do it until half term, and then doing absolutely nothing about it, and then telling me again on Monday that she would speak to my sister, and again doing nothing about it. And after he had left I said to my mum how annoyed I was, and that naturally I hadn't been expecting him today, and once again got the 'Well I really don't see why it is such a big deal, I don't know why you can't just look after him, and there is nothing about it that should make you anxious' speech that I get from her every time. I have tried to explain that I think it is actually irrelevant that she doesn't think it should make me anxious, as it does, and it also makes me very upset, but she is more concerned about not rocking the boat where my sister is concerned than she is about my feelings. So I am feeling really pissed off and upset about the whole thing. I don't care if I am selfish for not doing it - I just get too stressed by it, and I don't see why I should have to put myself through that much anxiety, just because my sister can't be bothered to find someone to look after her child.

I think the feeling shit is primarily just the natural progression of how I have been feeling this week. My mood just seems to be dropping further. I hate this so much. Knowing what is happening, and yet being powerless to stop it. The depression is certainly getting stronger yet again, as are the suicidal thoughts. And it is continually in my mind that if I am going to act on them, I have to do it in the next few weeks, or I can't for 2 months, and that does scare me quite a lot. I am also having thoughts that I don't like and feel quite ashamed of. They annoy me, because they just sound so typically borderline, and I don't want to be that. When I have thoughts that are typical of depression or disordered eating for example, obviously I hate having them because they make me feel bad, but I don't feel anything negative towards the actual thoughts, whereas I really do about thoughts that I perceive as borderline. They always make me feel ashamed of myself and embarrassed, and so I try to just pretend they aren't there - I often don't write about them because I just don't want to be thinking them. At the moment I think I am just feeling a bit envious of a couple of my friends, and I hate myself for that because they aren't well, but I just can't help it. It is one in particular really, my friend A who took the paracetamol overdose the other day. It sounds awful already, saying I am jealous of someone who took an overdose. She also spent around 9 months in hospital fairly recently, from about this time last year, until this summer. Anyway, she is fine, she was on a drip for a while, but she is back home now. She has been saying for a couple of weeks that she is feeling really crap and having suicidal thoughts, and obviously I have tried to be supportive and talk to her etc. But what I am finding difficult is the amount of help she gets. We had very similar histories, and she used to be in a similar position to me, and see someone weekly and that was about it. Then she started DBT, and so had quite a lot of support from that, and also got a lot of referrals to the crisis team. She had a couple of short admissions (1 week) when she was struggling. Then around this time last year she was admitted, and for some reason kept there for about 9 months. They did a lot of messing around with her meds to try and get her onto something that would help stabilise her, which made sense, but I was really amazed that they kept her in hospital for so long as she wasn't manic or psychotic or anything else that people are usually hospitalised for a long time for, and it was just a normal acute NHS ward, not a therapeutic community or anything like that. I found it difficult sometimes when she was in hospital, as she would say she was feeling really bad for example, but some of those times I was also really struggling a lot, but on my own, without constant support like she had. But I knew that there was no way I would have wanted to be in hospital for that long when it had no therapeutic value etc, and I also thought it wasn't a very good idea, as she would find it really hard when she left and suddenly didn't have all of that support. As predicted, she found it difficult when she was discharged, as I think she had completely forgotten what it was like to feel really shit and not have 24/7 support, and what it is like to have suicidal thoughts and just have to get through them on your own because there is no alternative. But she had been doing ok. She was coping as well as could be expected really, and didn't seem to be doing too badly really - the medication definitely helped her and she wasn't self harming, and didn't seem to be that low or suicidal - certainly a lot better than I have seen her other times. Then a couple of weeks ago she started feeling worse and telling me she was having suicidal thoughts but didn't want to be admitted or see the crisis team, and so I tried to remind her of all the times in the past she had managed to cope with thoughts like that, and that she could do it again. And then the other day she took the overdose - it wasn't a suicide attempt, as she told me she had done it about half an hour later, but she had bad news and she said she just did it before she had even thought about it, and she was planning to go to hospital for it etc. When I spoke to her earlier she said she was being seen by the crisis team, and if she wasn't feeling better by Monday then she would be admitted, and she said she didn't care either way. And for some reason I just found that really hard to hear. I think it is because of the countless times when I have been feeling so completely desperate because of how suicidal I have felt, and just how terrible I have been feeling, and just had to cope with the same amount of support as usual, ie a weekly appointment, or sometimes not even that if it has been a period when L has been away. I don't get seen by the crisis team or offered admission. I haven't even been admitted following suicide attempts, although I did have a couple of admissions back in 2005 when I was living away from home. And I have been feeling worse and worse over the last week or two, and the suicidal thoughts are getting stronger, but I know that it wouldn't matter how bad things got, I still wouldn't get that kind of support. And I do understand why, because I know I need to learn to cope with the suicidal thoughts without escaping into hospital, and that it really isn't a solution in the long term, but sometimes I just feel so desperate, and a break from having to fight constantly to keep myself safe would just be such an enormous relief, and if I am honest I do feel jealous that she can have that if she asks, or even if she doesn't, when I can be feeling exactly the same and get nothing. But I hate myself for thinking like that, because if she is getting more help it must be because she is more ill and needs it and deserves it more than I do, and I really shouldn't be jealous of her for it. But I can't help it.

I am feeling a bit stressed, as a friend I've not seen for 2 or 3 months sent me a text the other day asking if I was doing anything on Sunday. I said I had a concert rehearsal from 11 - 12, but was free after that. She replied asking if I would like to go out for lunch. Since I had just said I was free, I couldn't then say I was busy, and she's a very long term friend, who I have known since I was 4 and she was 2, and I would like to see her, but the thought of eating out is really scaring me. I always find it fairly difficult eating out, because I know it is likely to have a bad effect on my weight, but it is something I try and do anyway, because it is one of the most obvious ways of socialising with people, and actually I like some food a lot, and therefore quite like eating out - it just makes me feel guilty, and I quite often purge. But I still do it. But this time it is actually filling me with dread. I think it is because I finally, over the last week or so, seem to have got my body into a pattern of losing or maintaining every day, without really gaining at all, and I think I am just terrified of ruining that. I don't think I have ever felt quite this scared about a meal out. I think it is because emotionally I am really feeling on the edge at the moment, and knowing that my weight is going down is the only positive I can see at all, and I am scared of what my reaction will be if the numbers start going up, as I just don't think I can cope with any more bad feelings at the moment. I am angry with myself for letting my eating and weight get this much control over me - regardless of my weight, or what stage I have been at eating wise, ie whether I have been purging or restricting or whatever, I have always still gone for meals out, and I am just furious that I have now become so terrified by the thought of it. Why have I been able to do it for the last 7 years, and now suddenly it feels like the scariest thing evver?! I suppose it must just be because I am feeling so precarious mood wise, and so I am just desperate to cling on to the one thing in my life I can see as a positive, and I am scared that this meal will shatter that, and therefore any semblance of coping. I am scared.

I have an appointment with Dr O tomorrow. It is lucky they always book me a double slot, as I seem to have a string of things to tell her. My back still isn't better, my hamstring/hip thing is bad, and then there is the lump thing that I should mention. Plus the usual getting my medications, her making assumptions on my mood based on whether or not I am smiling, and suggesting I learn to cross stitch if I am not doing well.

I need to sleep. I have been writing this on and off for 11 hours now. My concentration is just all over the place. I can't think properly, and my brain just feels slowed down.

Cartoonised!

I have been turned into a cartoon! There I was catching up on blogs, and I caught sight of my name, and lo and behold, one of my recent posts has been cartoonised (yes, I am aware that is not a real word) by the wonderful Steve at Prozacville! I was rather excited, as I have always loved his cartoons, and felt rather honoured to be featuring in one of them, so without further ado, here it is!

Not a great day....

I am not feeling that great. I had my appointment with L this morning, but it didn't help as much as normal. Usually I email her what I have written during the week, mostly the same as I write on here, but there are some bits I don't usually send, for example if I have written about what we talked about in an appointment I obviously don't bother emailing that, and there are some things I send her that don't come on the blog, but about 90% of it is the same. Anyway, then she usually reads that before she sees me, and then some of what I have written about she picks out to talk about, and will ask me about certain things. We talk about other things as well, but we usually at least start based on some of what I have written. I find it works quite well, as I don't have to try and remember what has happened in the last week, and she already knows what is going on so I don't have to start from scratch with explaining things etc. Obviously I then go into more detail about what I am feeling/thinking, but it is so much easier than just walking into a room and someone saying 'So how are you? How has your week been?' etc.

Anyway, today it started slightly wrong because she was running late - not that much, only about 15 minutes, but she is never normally late, so I was starting to get a bit twitchy. Then I saw her come out with her patient before me, which has never happened before, and immediately take me in, and although that shouldn't bother me, because obviously she has lots of other patients, but it was just a bit weird. And then because she was running late she took me straight in, and so I just felt a bit weird about it all. I don't know. And then she said she was sorry but she hadn't had time to read what I had written, as she had been caught up in a complicated case all morning. That is fair enough - I know she is often very busy, but it was a shame it was this week, as I think maybe I could have done with talking about the suicidal thoughts and what was going on with them. Of course I could have talked about them anyway, but I didn't really what to say. 'I am feeling suicidal but I don't think I am going to kill myself, but knowing that if I don't kill myself in the next few weeks I will have to live for for the next two months, and that feels like too much, so I want to kill myself now' seemed a little random and complicated, so I just didn't mention it. And there are some other things that I touched on in my writing, that I thought when I wrote 'Oh I should talk about this with L', but I couldn't remember what they were or anything, so I obviously didn't talk about them. And then often my appointments run longer - they are usually anything between an hour and an hour and a half, but L had to finish fairly promptly as she had a meeting to go to, so actually I think I was only with her about 50 minutes, which I do realise is a standard therapy hour, but it isn't standard for my sessions. So overall although it was fine, but it didn't help me as much as it often does. So yes, I am just not really feeling that great.

I am quite tired. I didn't get enough sleep last night really. It wasn't actually that few hours, but I really do need a decent amount to not feel like a zombie, and then I obviously had to get up this morning to see L, so I think I only got about 6 hours, which isn't enough for me. I was going to nap this afternoon, but I decided to stay awake in the hope I would sleep better tonight. That never does seem to work, but I feel like it should! Other things going on - my weight had gone back down yesterday, and stayed the same today. I am really hoping I can get it down a bit more tomorrow. I just want it to keep going down, even if it isn't fast. I didn't go to ballet last night. I just didn't really feel up to it. I wasn't in the mood. But then I felt guilty because I had eaten what I usually eat before I dance on Monday, and so I stressed a bit about not burning off the calories etc. I suppose in the end it was ok because I maintained my weight, but maybe I would have lost if I had gone to ballet... I did go to the sing through. It was ok. I still don't know what I want to do about it, but I thought I may as well go to the sing throughs to keep my options open. I have another one tonight. Then ballet tomorrow. Which I must go to. Blah. I just don't feel like leaving the house at the moment at all.

I think I might have a cyst or a tumour. I know that sounds a little melodramatic, but I do. I have had a lump on my face, literally just below my ear, for quite a while now. I can't remember when I first noticed it. It was definitely within the last year, but it might have been more recent than that. Maybe only a few months ago. I don't know. My memory is atrocious. I did mean to mention it to my GP last time I saw her, but I forgot. Anyway, last night I decided to google it, as you do. I wasn't quite sure what to search, so I started typing 'lump face' and google's first suggestion was 'near ear', which I thought was quite interesting, as it means it must be quite common, so I searched for that. It came up with lots of information about tumours on the salivary glands, mostly the parotid gland, and in pictures that looks like exactly the right place, although all the ones in the pictures are big and mine isn't. It is only very tiny, not even as big as a pea, and it doesn't hurt at all, but I suppose I should probably get it checked out. I have an appointment with my GP on Friday, so I will mention it then. I perhaps won't mention I have diagnosed myself with a paratid tumour with the help of Dr Google, as I think Doctors prefer you to allow them to do their job themselves.

A friend of mine took an overdose this afternoon. It is my friend A. She came online and talked to me and said she was really sorry and that I was going to be angry with her, and I said I wouldn't be angry, but asked what she had done, and she said taken too many Paracetamol, so I asked how many, and she said 32 and a few Zopiclone. She said she was feeling really bad and she had done it before she had even really thought about it. She doesn't live anywhere near me, so there wasn't much I could do, but I asked her for the phone number for her housing support worker, which she gave me, so I called her, and she got an ambulance round there for her, so she is at the hospital now. I wish she could have talked to me before rather than after, but I am glad she told me and that she is being treated. I am not angry obviously. I am just concerned. And part of me wishes it was me, although I wouldn't have told anyone. It sounds awful, but when I was looking up the lump on my face last night I thought maybe it would be cancer and if I didn't have treatment it would kill me, and then I wouldn't have to kill myself. And then I hated myself for thinking that. So many people are so desperate to live, and sometimes I just feel evil for even thinking about wanting to die and suicide.

Overall it hasn't really been a great day...

Search terms

Just a random little update, as I have had a few unusual search terms find my blog lately (plus some more normal ones) and thought I would reply to them, even though the searchers probably won't see it....

Random search term of the month goes to 'tiger balm for bulimia'. Yes. Not got a fucking clue what you were looking for. Am unsure of the correlation between a heat muscle rub and bulimia. I racked my brains, but couldn't think of any explanation. If anyone has any interesting suggestions as to what this person may have been thinking, please leave a comment. The more obscure your suggestion the more points you get.

Another I quite liked was 'what is a carpusel in the lower back'. I have no idea. Does a carpusel exist? When I googled it it asked if I meant Carousel, which is obviously how they ended up on my blog, as Carousel + back must be mentioned lots on my blog, but I don't know what a carpusel is if it exists, and I can't really see anyone having a carousel in their lower back....

Still on the medical front we had 'is it ok to have the flu jab when you have a cold'. Yes, it is, as long as you aren't feeling seriously ill with it. I know this, as my mum asked the nurse when she had hers. I just assumed it would be ok and didn't bother asking because of the nurse scaring me.

Then was was 'days of me being erased'. Don't know what they were looking for, but if they were feeling like they wanted to be erased then I can certainly relate. Otherwise, not sure.

My least favourite was '"weight gain" "leotard" "fatter"'. Yes. It is really shit. I feel for you. Gaining weight and then having to put on a leotard is hideous. It was my least favourite just because I know what a horrible sensation that is. Leotards are so unforgiving. Even black ones.

And there endeth the search terms update. Might do it again sometime if I have any more interesting search terms. Please leave any comments on 'tiger balm for bulimia' if you can think of an explanation. I am genuinely quite curious.

Commitment

I am not feeling good. I had gained weight today, as predicted. And as predicted, it made me feel terrible. I tried not to eat too much today. I did have quite a big dinner, but I didn't eat anything else, apart from a few sweets that my friend brought over. I ate too much to have lost any weight, but I am just hoping I won't have gained either, although I am feeling quite full and heavy at the moment, so I may have. I will go and weigh myself in a little while and see what is going on.

I didn't really do much today. My friend arrived about half 12, and we watched the Oklahoma DVD with Hugh Jackman (so sexy!) and just chatted. And then she stayed for dinner, and then left at about 8. I then watched the X Factor results (boring) and Downton Abbey. I love Downton Abbey. Period dramas are great. I got annoyed because my mum made a cake, but it was a fruit cake and I don't even like fruit cakes. And I don't even know who will eat the bloody fruit cake - originally she had said she wanted to make a chocolate cake, as she got a recipe for a good one from my old next door neighbour, and said she would make a fruit cake as well because my dad likes fruit cake. I said having 2 cakes at once seemed pretty excessive, and also somewhat strange since the last cake she made was in July, and that I didn't want to end up eating most of the chocolate cake myself, as she would also be eating the fruit cake. So she just made a fruit cake, but my dad isn't even that keen on cake - fruit cake is his favourite, but he can take or leave cake really, so he won't eat much of it, I won't eat any of it as I refuse to eat fruit cake on principle (it doesn't have icing, and is therefore an inferior cake, and although I don't dislike it, it feels like a big waste of calories eating something I am not bothered about), and so that pretty much just leaves my mum. And she prefers chocolate cake really. I don't know why she didn't just make the chocolate cake. So I was pissed off about the lack of cake, despite me saying it was a silly idea to make 2, as I didn't want to eat an entire chocolate cake. I am so awkward really. It is probably for the best really, or I would have had a piece every day until it went, and that wouldn't have done my weight loss plans any favours, and I would also have purged it sometimes, as I tend to do that. But I still would have liked a piece of cake. Or a cupcake. Just not stupid fruit cake. I could of course make one myself, but then we would have the 2 cakes in the house situation that I wanted to avoid. I don't need cake.

I think I have been struggling more again this week. I generally notice concentration first. My normal judge of concentration is my ability to read - when my concentration isn't too bad, which is when my mood is better, I probably read a book in 2 or 3 days on average. I have been reading the same book for a week now, and it isn't a particularly long book (shorter than my average book) and I am only half way through. There is a possibility that I just don't like the book and so can't be bothered to read it, but I have noticed other signs of my mood slipping - increased obsessiveness with my weight (that happens in the period between doing slightly better, when I do focus on my weight, but not to this extent, and feeling too terrible to give a shit about what I weigh, which is when there is probably genuine cause for concern about my safety), a genuine decrease in hunger (although I continue to stuff myself most days, but normally end up feeling sick as I wasn't hungry in the first place), not bothering about what I look like at all and living in the same clothes every day, on the rare occasions I manage to get out of my pyjamas, increased suicidal thoughts, and a complete inability to cry, even when I am feeling really terrible or upset. I think that is all for now. I guess I will just have to keep an eye on things and see what happens. Although to be honest that is fairly pointless, as even if things plummeted to the point where I knew I was going to kill myself the following day, there wouldn't really be a lot I could do about it. But it seems like a good idea to know if my mood is on the way down or up, and to what extent, even if I can't do anything about it.

Tomorrow I am doing nothing during the day, then I have ballet at 5:45. Then at half 7 I am going to a sing through for a musical I am thinking about auditioning for. I haven't actually decided for sure whether I am going to audition or not. There is another show on a month before I am also considering auditioning for. I couldn't be in both, but I am not sure which I would rather do. I prefer the company doing one, and I prefer the show being done by the other. Both are good shows actually, but the female ensemble have more to do, and there are more female parts, hence me saying I prefer it. If I audition for one of them I will probably audition for both - the auditions are only a few days apart, and then I could decide based on casting etc. But I am not sure if I want to commit to doing another show or not. Partly because it feels too soon - Carousel has only just finished, and although auditions aren't for a couple more weeks, and therefore rehearsals probably wouldn't start for a month, it feels quite soon. But partly because I don't know if I want to commit myself to anything else at the moment. To an extent, committing myself to being in a show feels like committing myself to stay alive until that production has finished, and right now I don't feel in a position to say that I will stay alive until March/April of next year. That is a long time away, and I am not feeling good at the moment. I am having a lot of suicidal thoughts currently, and I don't want to feel tied to anything. On the other hand, maybe it is good for me to be rehearsing something, and to have a goal. Maybe it makes me feel better. And it doesn't have to be as much of a commitment as I make it. People drop out of productions all the time. As long as you aren't a lead it doesn't matter too much - you are replaceable. Well, anyone is replaceable if they need to be, but the bigger the role the harder you are to replace. But if I was in the chorus for one of the shows, I wouldn't have to see that as a commitment to staying alive for a long time - if I wasn't able to do it in the end then it wouldn't actually affect the production - they might just have to slightly alter a couple of big dance numbers - it wouldn't be a big deal. A principal part would be another matter, but I very much doubt I would get a principal role in either show. I don't know if I would feel able to commit to a principal part at the moment. Firstly because that really would feel like a commitment to staying alive until the production was over, partly because sometimes I just can't cope with going to rehearsals when I am really struggling, and that is problematic if you are a lead, and partly because learning lots of lines is an issue when I am having problems with concentration and memory. There are probably more reasons too, but they are the ones that immediately spring to mind. Being a lead is a lot more pressure than being in the chorus. The old adage 'There are no small parts, only small actors' is bollocks in my opinion. Ok, there are some very important small roles, but basically, if you are in a small role, it is going to be far easier to replace you than it is the lead - that is just simple logistics. If someone has hundreds of lines and 3 solo songs and a dance number, then it is going to be far more difficult to recast their role 2 weeks before the show opens than it is someone who has a cameo part with 10 lines and sings in the chorus of 2 songs. Of course I understand the sentiment of it, and I realise I am taking it somewhat out of context here, but for me a lead role is a far bigger commitment than a small part would be, and actually is more important - you can't do the show without the lead, but is anyone really going to miss that person in the 3rd row of the chorus? Unlikely. I have gone off on a tangent again. I was saying something. Oh yes. So I don't know whether to audition or not at the moment, because I don't know if I can handle the commitment. I will see how I feel next week when the auditions come round. I may audition and then decide. And I only have to see it as a commitment to life if I get cast in a lead role. I might not audition for a lead role. That goes against everything my actor-ey instincts tell me to do, but I couldn't honestly take on a part now for a show in March or April and know that I would be alive to do it.

I am struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts at the moment. They are quite strong, although currently not at an out of control level. What is difficult is my brain keeps going into planning mode and then getting stuck. I have certain rules around suicide. I would never do it say in the lead up to Christmas, or over Christmas, or on, or in the days before, somebody's birthday, or other significant dates. I think suicides are hard enough for the people left behind to deal with, without the anniversary of it popping up at a time when they are supposed to be happy, like at Christmas or a Birthday. So that is the first rule. The second rule is not to do it if something particularly difficult has just happened, for example I was very suicidal, and had just made an attempt, 2 years ago, and then my grandmother died, and although my suicidal thoughts were incredibly strong, I knew it wouldn't be fair to make my mother lose her mother and her daughter within the space of a week. That would have just felt wrong. However desperate I was feeling I couldn't have done that to her. The final rule is that I can't do it if I am committed to something, so for example in the month leading up to Carousel I couldn't have, however bad I felt, as I would have been letting so many people down. Prior to that it would have been acceptable, as I could have been replaced, but when there was only a few weeks to go I couldn't. So basically those are the rules. The other thing with suicide, is I like to know when it is an option. For example, when I am having strong suicidal thoughts, but I feel able to fight them a little longer, a tactic I use to do that is to say that if I am still feeling the same by X (say 2 weeks ahead for example) then I can act on them, and that is ok. It is just something I use to help me cope with them. Sometimes things have improved a little by X, sometimes they haven't really but I manage to find something else to keep going for, or have received more support, which has helped me to keep going etc. It doesn't always work - if I reach absolute breaking point then X goes out the window, so I would never promise to anyone, including myself, that I would be alive until X, but I do try to stick to it, and it is an aim at least. At the moment, although the thoughts aren't out of control, they have reached a point where I feel a need to plan when I would be able to kill myself if I needed to. And that is proving difficult. I usually try to set my first target for at least 2 weeks ahead, as that seems reasonable, and weekends are a no go because of people being around, which would make the first possible day I could kill myself November 15th. However, that is then less than 3 weeks before the concert I am doing, and so starting to encroach on the commitment rule. But the concert is in December, and so if I said that suicide wasn't an option until after that, it would be messing with the special occasion rule. Which therefore means it would basically mean being alive until January. And that thought terrifies me. It makes me feel really desperate and scared, and makes me want to kill myself now. Really quite badly. January is 2 months away - I can't say now that I can live for 2 whole months longer. It really scares me a lot. To the point that I am now thinking I need to kill myself now, within the next couple of weeks, to avoid that. I don't want to be alive for 2 months more. I don't want to be alive for 2 days more - committing to a further 2 months terrifies me. I could kill myself now. I don't mean right now, I mean at some point in the next couple of weeks. 3 weeks maximum. After that it is too close to the concert, and then Christmas. I hate Christmas. And I hate New Year even more. The thought of being alive for New Year is hideous. It makes me want to kill myself right now. I am not going to, but I want to. So I am feeling really confused. I do feel suicidal, and I do want to die, but I feel like I could hold off on acting on it for a couple of weeks, but saying I won't act on it for 2 months feels impossible, and not acting on it within the next 3 weeks is saying that, and that just makes me feel so desperate and out of control and scared.

Writing is so strange. I started writing this 45 minutes ago, and I had no idea what I was going to write. I just started writing because I felt in the mood to write, but I had no idea what, apart from the little weight rant and what I did today stuff. Then when I start writing everything just seems to pour out of me, and I start talking about things I didn't even know I was thinking about some of the time. Strange.

The power of the scales

I feel shit. It's weird - an hour or two ago I was in one of my hyper moods with lots of energy, and now I have totally crashed. It was like normal - I didn't feel happy, but I had lots of energy, and I wanted to do something. I felt like singing, I was in the mood to sing, so I was singing, but it was midnight, and my dad was in the mood for sleeping, so I had to stop singing. And then I thought maybe I would go and make a cake, but I knew I would get bored half way through so I decided not to. And then a little while later my mood started dropping, for no reason, and all my energy disappeared, and I ended up feeling crap. I then just put the final nail in the coffin by going and weighing myself.

I ended up weighing myself in the night last night - I couldn't resist. It was good though, it made me pleased. I weighed less than I was expecting, and knew that meant I would have lost weight when I weighed properly today. And so when I woke up I weighed, and I had lost weight, and I was pleased. All good. Then today I ate more than I should have. For no reason. I wasn't hungry. I just felt like eating and so I ate. And then I got scared of what the scales would say tomorrow. Just now I needed to go to the toilet, so I went downstairs and went to the toilet, and then weighed myself. I was thinking over and over again 'Please don't be more than X', which I always do - I have a figure in my head that I need to be below whenever I weigh, based on what I have weighed the last time I have weighed myself, and to an extent on whether I think I have lost/gained since then. So I had the figure in my head, and I was a pound more than that. Which means that tomorrow when I weigh myself I will probably be best part of a pound more than I was today. And it is my own fault for being greedy. I hate myself. It made me feel sick when I saw the number come up. The scales have so much power over me. I was so pleased last night when I weighed and it was less than I was expecting - I was really happy about it. But when it is higher than I want, it actually feels like the end of the world. I know how melodramatic that sounds, but it is like being punched in the face. It makes me just want to cry and cut myself or overdose or just do anything self destructive. I am trying to content myself with biting my duvet really hard. It isn't really doing the job. I just hate myself so much. I feel so fat and greedy and disgusting, and I just don't understand how I can have so little self control and allow myself to eat an amount that will have made my weight do that. I know that my reaction seems disproportionate to gaining a pound (0.6 of a pound compared to last night actually, but I am wearing slightly lighter pyjamas tonight, so that makes up the rest of the pound) but it just feels so hideous.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow. I think I mentioned that yesterday. I am scared I will eat lots when she is here and gain even more weight. I can't cope with that. It terrifies me. I need my fucking self control back. I repulse myself. I wish I hadn't weighed myself tonight. I was already feeling terrible, and now I feel hideous and disgusting and greedy as well. I suppose at least it won't be a shock in the morning now. I just wish I could die. Not because of my weight. Or not just because of my weight anyway. It is just everything.

Being erased

I have been sitting here for hours now not knowing what to write. My head just feels empty. I haven't done anything today. I am not even sure where the day went. There were a few things I meant to do, but suddenly it was evening, and now it is nearly 2am. I watched Neighbours twice. That seems a little excessive, but I was sitting here when it came on again, and even though I had watched it at lunch time I didn't actually remember much of it, so I sat and watched it again. I probably still wouldn't remember it. It has been one of those days.

I was wondering earlier what it would be like to have a whole day without suicidal thoughts. A whole day without thinking about it once. And a whole day without thinking about my weight, and how much I hate my body, and feeling guilty every time I eat something, and wondering how it will affect my weight. I can't remember either of those things. Even when I am not feeling actively suicidal, I still think about suicide, and every day if given the choice between continuing to live, or being erased so I had never existed, I would choose being erased. I don't remember the last time I had a day when I would have chosen to live. That is obviously different to feeling like I am going to kill myself, because with suicide you have to think about other people, whereas being erased would be my ideal, as I could cease to exist, but without upsetting anyone. I wish there was a way to make that happen. Sometimes I think about running away and disappearing so that nobody knows where I am, and then killing myself. If I disappeared first then nobody would actually know I had died and so it might be less hurtful. I suppose it is like trying to erase myself.

I am trying to resist the urge to go and weigh myself at the moment. I am in this stupid pattern where I weigh in the middle of the night to try and predict what my weight will be the next day. I don't know why I do it, because if I weighed now and knew I would have gained tomorrow then there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it, but I still do it. Somehow it feels even scarier to step on the scales without having been pre-warned about what I am likely to weigh from my middle of the night weigh in. I ate too much again today. I feel really greedy at the moment. From Monday I am going to make a really concerted effort to try and lose weight. I always think it is daft when people say they are going to start a diet in a couple of days time, but weekends are always more difficult as my parents are about, and so I tend to eat more at the weekends, plus on Sunday I have a friend coming over. She is someone I met during Carousel. So anyway, it will probably be easiest to start on Monday. Not that it is ever easy - there always seems to be things in the way. I just need my will power and determination back. It is definitely missing at the moment, and I want it back. I can't believe how long I have been trying to lose weight for now, and it really hasn't happened. I have lost about half a stone, but that has literally taken 5 months. I have lost an awful lot more than that actually, but I have put on a lot in between as well. I have been going up and down several pounds each month, which is why I haven't lost more. It pisses me off immensely - I have a bad week food wise, and find I am back where I was a month previously, and that upsets me. The last couple of months I haven't actually lost any weight at all - I am actually a pound heavier than I was during (some of) August. But I have also been 3lbs heavier than this several times between then and now. It is pretty confusing really. I just want it going steadily down. Even if it was only a pound a week. Goodness, even half a pound. As long as it kept going down and there were none of the stupid weight gains in between. I always think that I should be able to lose 2lbs a week, but it so rarely works in reality. But 1lb sounds like a realistic target. And would put me at my medium term target weight for Christmas I just worked out, which would be nice. I would still want to be lower than that, but if I lost 7 - 10lbs I would be so much more comfortable with my body than I am now. My long term target weight is unrealistically low to be healthy - it is just my dream weight. It isn't scarily low, but it would make me well into the underweight section on the BMI chart, which isn't really a good idea. But it has been my goal weight for 7 years - I can't just let go of it. But my medium term goal weight is a reasonable weight, that I have been at several times before, and I genuinely feel like I should be able to get to and maintain. It is just so much easier said than done....

Performing and weight

I am not feeling that great. Not desperately suicidal or anything. Just not good. I suppose that is a bit of a daft thing to say really as I never feel good. I don't know how to explain it really. I suppose it is partly just the post show blues making me feel flat - I think that is something everyone experiences after performing. It fills so much of your life, particularly during the actual performance period, and the week or two leading up to that, and so it is bound to leave something of a void when it finishes. It is strange how slowly the last few weeks have gone - it is less than 3 weeks ago that my friend was here, and it feels like so much longer. Back then, just 2 weeks ago, I didn't even want to go to rehearsals, and I wished I wasn't doing the show at all. Then it took over for a couple of weeks, and whilst I would say I was happy to be going off out every night, and I didn't always feel like it, I got on with it, and it was fine, and sometimes it was fun. And now I suppose I just have a gap. It has been quite a few years since I have done a big musical, which may be contributing to it I suppose - I didn't perform at all, apart from some concerts and festivals, between 2006 and this year, so that was a 4 year gap, which is really quite a long time. I was still dancing, and I did some teaching in that time, and some directing and choreographing etc, but I didn't actually perform myself, and the last musical I did before Carousel was Les Miserables back in 2005. I actually hadn't realised quite how big a gap there had been - I knew I hadn't been performing for a while, but it is only now I have opened up my CV and am actually looking at dates that I have realised just how long. Then in 2006 I did open air Shakespeare, and a very small part in a play, and then absolutely nothing bar concerts/festivals, and extra work in one film in 2007 (which I don't count as acting as you just stand about and move when you are told to) until the one act play I did earlier this year, then The Tempest, and then Carousel. It is strange - between 1998 and 2003 I did 2 musicals every year, and sometimes a play or pantomime too, and then usually a couple of concerts as part of a choir as well, and various other things, and after that I started doing less and less, until I stopped completely in 2006. I know that is no coinidence - 2005 is when I first tried to kill myself, and also when I moved away to university and was hospitalised etc, and although I did a couple of things in 2006 when I was back home, I know things had changed. They had started to change before that actually - I did my first summer course at a big Drama School in 2002, when I was 16, and I came home pissed off that I was starting A levels rather than a performing course, and unhappy with the quality of the productions I had been doing, and just wanting more. I also had my first audition for a West End production that year, which despite being dreadful, made me want to perform even more, and therefore made me even more frustrated with college etc. Then 2003 was when everything seemed to go wrong and I was first diagnosed with Depression, and given anti depressants, and an Eating Disorder, and referred to the CMHT. And I suppose I just started performing less and less as I just didn't have the motivation or energy, and I found being around people too difficult. I kept up with dance classes virtually the whole time, and I carried on with singing lessons until about 18 months ago, when a) my singing teacher moved away, and b) I was having severe problems with my voice, and I did some acting classes for a while, and some summer courses etc, but there were absolutely no productions after the summer of 2006, until the spring of this year.

Then this year I decided to force myself to do things, even if I didn't feel like it. I knew that performing was still the only thing I ever cared about, despite not caring the majority of the time. So I got involved in the 1 act play. I can honestly say I regretted that about 99% of the time. There wasn't a single rehearsal or performance I wanted to go to, I couldn't be bothered with it, I didn't care about it, I didn't enjoy myself. Then it was on to the Shakespeare. That was better. I still didn't want to be doing it most of the time, but there were some points that I was enjoying it. Shakespeare wrote so beautifully that it is hard not to get into it - when something is that well written you have to put everything you can into it (as of course you should with everything, but some thing just demand it). So although I never felt like going to the rehearsals or learning my lines, there were times when I was pleased to be doing it. And then Carousel. That has been a bit of a mixed one. I would be lying if I said I haven't enjoyed it some of the time. I still felt a real lack of motivation towards going to rehearsals, but they generally improved when I got there, although not always. I liked working with a good choreographer. I liked doing the pas de deux (bar the somewhat scary Saturday performances, and of course hurting my back!). It was a little difficult only being in the second half of Act 2, as that meant I didn't go to many rehearsals, and so really didn't get to know the cast very well at all, apart from those I was in scenes with, until the couple of weeks before the show week, but when I did get to know them they were a really lovely bunch. I got to know the other principal females particularly well during the week of the show when we were sharing a dressing room, and that was great - they were good fun. So there were lots of positives. On the other hand, there were also days when the thought of going out to a rehearsal had me in tears, as it just felt too much, and a couple of rehearsals that I didn't go to because it was just more than I could face. 3 weeks ago I would have said I would be massively relieved when it was over. But it really did improve a lot during the week before the show, and the week of the show itself. I wasn't happy, and I wasn't hyper and excitable like I used to be during shows, and like other people were. I felt quite flat and numb. I didn't get at all nervous, which actually isn't a good sign, as you need a bit of adrenaline to give a good performance I find. But it was the most positive performing experience I have had this year. Maybe because it was a musical, and really that is what I am most passionate about, or maybe because of having such a great cast, particularly in my dressing room. I don't know. I still didn't have the spark I want, but I didn't spend my whole time wishing I was at home, and that has to be a good thing right? Goodness, this was such a tangent. I can't even remember what my point was....

Right, yes. So when you are doing a show, it kind of takes over you life, and when it finished you are just left with this hole. I suppose it is particularly strong because I haven't been doing anything else this week either - normally I would have been to ballet twice, but it has been half term so that hasn't been on. So yes, I suppose I am partly just feeling a bit empty because of the show being over. Then I am struggling with my weight and food as usual. I ate far more today than I should have, and so feel terrible, and am really scared of what the scales will say tomorrow, but not weighing is not an option. Then there is normal depression stuff. I am doing better than I was a few weeks ago I think - I have read a few books over the last couple of weeks, which is usually at least a vague indicator for me, as when things are really dreadful I can't read. But I just feel kind of on edge. I am still having lots of suicidal thoughts, but I am not in that numb, unable to move type depression. I feel a bit impulsive I suppose, which kind of scares me, because in some ways it feels more unsafe, but I don't think I am at risk of acting on the suicidal thoughts at the moment, even in an impulsive mood. I have been getting a lot of urges to self harm though. They are often strong when I am really frustrated with my weight and body. I wish I could just cut big slices of fat off. Off my thighs. I keep getting these pictures flashing into my head of just carving massive chunks of fat off my legs. I won't attempt it - that isn't my style, but I would like to. I really need to find a way of getting in control of my weight and what I am eating, because at the moment it is just making me feel terrible about myself. I need to lose weight. I can't even express how important that feels at the moment, and yet how impossible.

Weird mood

Today has been a kind of weird day. I have been really emotional and up and down and I don't know why. It started off ok. I was very tired, and found it very difficult to get out of bed, but mood wise I wasn't feeling too bad. I was seeing L at 11, and that went fine - we spent rather a lot of the time chatting about random things, but I guess it is ok to do that sometimes. I think the day started going wrong after that.

My mum was supposed to be picking me up about 12:15 outside the CMHT. It was raining and cold. She wasn't there. I tried phoning her twice but she didn't answer. I tried calling my sister, as I guessed she had gone there. She answered and said she would come then, so I thought she would be there in 5 minutes or so. I didn't bother going back inside, as the main door has been broken for weeks and so you have to go around the back to get in, and since I thought she would be there in a few minutes I didn't think it would be worth it. So I just stood there and waited, and got colder and colder and colder. After about 15/20 minutes of waiting, by which time I was freezing and pretty pissed off, I phoned her again. She said she would be there in a minute. She finally turned up when I had been waiting for 25 minutes. It was really cold, I wasn't dressed *that* warmly, and I have crap circulation at the best of times. So by that time I was in a foul mood. If she had said she was going to be a while I would have waited inside or walked down to the shops, but it really annoyed me that she told me she would come, and therefore I stood outside in the freezing cold, whilst she was sitting around at my sister's house.

I was still freezing by the time we got home, so stood leaning against the radiator trying to warm up my feet, as they only warm up by touching something hot, rather than by warming up when the rest of me warms up. It wasn't really working very well as I was so cold. My mum then asked me to show her something, so I did, and in the meantime my dad stole the radiator and refused to let me back on it. He is really bloody childish, and he will do really stupid, immature things that wind me up, and I have a really short temper - I snap very quickly, and then I am furious. So I was freezing cold, pissed off with my mum for making me stand outside for so long, pissed off with my dad for being so stupid and not letting me back on the radiator, and ended up screaming and shouting and pushing both of them, before storming upstairs. Not a terribly mature reaction but I was angry and frustrated, and upset with my mum for not even apologising for leaving me outside for half an hour, and pissed off with my dad for being so bloody immature, and I just got really upset and locked myself in my room and put on my pyjamas and cried. I don't know why. Sure, I was irritated and frustrated, and grumpy because I was cold and wet, but my reaction was not proportionate to what had happened. I wanted to scream and shout and punch things and hurt myself, which I realise is not a rational reaction to being a bit cold.

I got into bed in my dressing gown and pyjamas and ended up going to sleep for at least 3 hours. I still felt shitty when I woke up - my feet were still like blocks of ice (my circulation really is shit) and I was just in a really bad mood still. My dad wasn't using his laptop, so I went online for a while and tried to warm up. I went downstairs at about 6 and had calmed down a lot by then. I still wasn't feeling good, but I was no longer feeling like I would hit anyone who came within 10 feet of me. I think I am still feeling pretty worn out and run down, and maybe that is why I reacted so much, plus of course I do tend to overreact rather. I think doing the show last week did tire me out - for a start it was tiring being out every night, and dancing and performing every night, but I actually think what I found more tiring than performing was being around people so much of the time, and therefore having to put on a happy face and chat and laugh, even when I wasn't feeling good. I really do find that exhausting, and even though I was around people I liked and got on well with, I wouldn't have been comfortable enough to let my mask slip. A couple of people last week said how confident I am, and actually I got quite irritated at one point, as I don't like curtain calls because you just have to stand there, not in character, and smile and bow etc, and it makes me feel very vulnerable - when I am on stage in character it is fine, but as soon as I have to stand there as me I am very uncomfortable, and I mentioned to someone that I don't like curtain calls because I am not very confident and so they make me feel awkward, and she said that I was wrong and I am very confident, and it actually really pissed me off. I don't even know her well - it was someone I had fairly little to do with, as she was one of the make up people and I do my own make up - I just chatted to her in the green room a little, and I hate that people make assumptions like that. I know it is natural to build up a picture of how you see someone, but it annoyed me that she thought she knew me better from meeting me about 3 times than I know myself. Surely if someone says something about themselves you don't contradict them?! Other people mentioned me being confident, but that didn't annoy me, as they just mentioned it in conversation - I hadn't specifically told them I am not confident and been told I was wrong like I was with her.

My sister is singing in a concert on Saturday. I haven't decided yet whether or not to go. I don't particularly want to, as I would actually rather stay in and watch crap TV like X Factor, and just chill out, as I feel like I have been out so much lately. There is also an element of not wanting to go because she didn't bother coming to see the show that I was in, so why should I go and see a concert she is singing in, which is pretty childish, but it does hurt me that she never makes any effort. I know she would like me to go, and will probably expect me to go, as I know quite a few people who sing in that choir, and was actually asked to do a reading at this concert myself, but I am just feeling a bit petty about the whole thing at the moment. I don't know - I will see how I feel later in the week. My back is still hurting, and my hips are still in seized up mode. I am hoping it will all start to relax a bit by the end of the week, as I am not doing anthing. My ulcers are also still very sore. It hurts to talk, and eating is really painful. I think I just need more sleep and more rest, and hopefully then I will also get less grumpy and less emotional.

Catch up

It feels like so long since I have written anything! That is mostly because my laptop charger decided to break - there were little wires poking out, so I decided that fiddling around with it trying to make it work probably wasn't the best idea, although I did give it a little go. So that was on Saturday night that it stopped working completely, and then the only other working computer we have in the house is my Dad's laptop, which he was using most of yesterday, so I didn't get much time on the computer until today. I have ordered a new charger for my laptop, but I am guessing it won't be here until the end of the week, so I will be laptopless for a few days more unfortunately.

The shows went well Saturday. Well, mostly anyway. My back and hips were hurting, but I got quite used to that really. There was something I wasn't at all happy about on Saturday - someone came into our dressing room during Act 1 of the matinee and told me that my pas de deux partner had been drinking. I was pretty pissed off - for a start you aren't allowed alcohol backstage full stop, secondly it is incredibly unprofessional, but also it is really quite dangerous - I didn't want to do lifts with someone who had been drinking. He apparently thought it was all fine because he felt in control but I felt like that was pretty irrelevant - alcohol throws your balance off, and even if you do feel in control sometimes you aren't. Several people spoke to him, and he promised them he wouldn't have any more. The matinee went ok - I could smell the alcohol on his breath, but he did seem ok. Then the evening show came round and the second he walked on stage I could see he had been drinking more. There was fuck all I could do about it, so I just had to get on with it and hope for the best. It wasn't that great - he wasn't really drunk or anything, but he had definitely had enough that it was having an impact on his balance, and it didn't feel right, and the choreographer could see it wasn't right - the audience probably couldn't have because they hadn't seen it before, but the fish dive was actually quite scary - I ended up at such an angle I didn't think he was going to be able to get me back up. So yes, I was pretty pissed off about that, and I really don't know what he was thinking. All through rehearsals and the other performances he had been great - I felt really safe with him and we got on well, and I just have absolutely no idea what made him drink on Saturday. If he had stopped during the interval of the matinee like he told people he would once they had pointed out how dangerous it was to drink before going on stage and partnering someone then I wouldn't have been so angry, but it was so clear that he had carried on drinking after that, and that really pissed me off. Anyway, apart from that it was all fine. Between the shows some of us ordered in pizza, and people just hung out, but there wasn't that long really. I had lots of cards and things from other cast members - in fact I had a card and little present of some type from my stage mother every night! But got various other little presents and cards on Saturday, and 12 beautiful yellow roses from my stage father. My parents also got me some flowers and a card, as they had forgotten to get me a card at the start of the run, but I can't remember what those flowers were. I am not good at flowers. I know roses and tulips and that is more or less it. They may have been Gladioli?? I don't know. My mum did tell me but they are pretty flowers - I don't need to know the name.

I went to the aftershow party. I wasn't sure what to do, but in the end someone who lives not too far away from me gave me a lift home, so I was able to stay for a couple of hours, so that was nice. It feels quite weird it is over. I wasn't sure what to do with myself tonight, as I should have been at ballet and then rehearsal, but it is half term, and the show is over. My body definitely needs a rest though. My back is still really quite painful, and so really needs a break, then my hips are still incredibly tight and sore. My cold and sore throat seem to be going, but I have at least 7 mouth ulcers which are very painful. I have had at least 3 constantly for the last couple of weeks, but now I just have so many of them, and some of them are really horrible. So I think I am quite run down. I have absolutely no plans for the week at all apart from seeing L tomorrow morning. The rest of the week is totally free. I think T wants to do something one day or evening, but I don't know what or when. There are a couple of limbering classes at my dance school, but I am not going to go, although I feel like I should, because I think my body really just needs a break. I am not very good at listening to my body when it tells me to stop - I just make it keep going, like with my back and the show, but I think it is screaming as loudly as it can and I should probably take notice. So probably lots of watching bad TV and sleeping. Lots of sleep would be good. I am sleeping really badly, because I keep waking up from the pain of my mouth ulcers. I have been putting stuff on them, but it just kind of wears off and I end up waking up with them really hurting.

Mood wise I have been a bit all over the place really. Last week was quite strange, as I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts that I knew I couldn't act on, and feeling very flat even when I was on stage, but then some of the time I was having fun too. It was a really lovely cast, and the girls in my dressing room were very funny, and so there was a lot of laughter etc, but then there were these underlying thoughts about suicide all the time. And of course my weight. I am not at all happy with my weight at the moment, and I was very conscious of it last week, particularly because one of my dresses was very tight - it fitted but it couldn't have been any smaller at all. And I just can't help comparing myself to other people. I know my body perception must be a bit wrong from the way I perceive myself in relation to other people, as if I find out their actual weight or measurements etc they are always bigger than I expect, as I base my expectations on how I think they look compared to me - for example the girl playing my stage mum I thought was much smaller than me, but actually she weighed a few pounds more and was an inch shorter, so I know that logically she can't be that much smaller than me. Maybe a bit, because she is a lot more muscular than I am, but she can't be as much smaller as I see her as being. I really do need to lose weight though. I have been saying that for so long now, but it really has to happen. Not to a stupidly low weight - just a weight that I can be more comfortable at. I know it won't magically solve everything and make me happy, but it will at least give me one less thing to hate myself for.

More show stuff

Been busy busy. Well actually I haven't been that busy, but it feels like I have. Yesterday I had my flu jab, and then a show in the evening. On the way to getting my flu jab I mentioned to my mum that I probably shouldn't have had my flu jab the week of the show, but the nurse who was doing the flu jabs scares me, and so I didn't like to ask if I could rearrange it because I thought she would tell me off for wasting her time, so I had it done, and then got home, remembered that after my flu jab last year I couldn't move my arm for 3 days, and got into a hysterical mess, panicking that I wouldn't be able to move my dance, and therefore the dance would all be a disaster and thinking what a complete idiot I was. As it turned out it hasn't actually been too bad - it was a bit sore to lift yesterday, but fine for dancing, and today it felt a lot better. So I was panicking needlessly, but that is my style I guess. Then I had a nap for an hour in the afternoon, and then went to the theatre. The show went pretty well last night, apart from a very funny moment in the scene before I go on, when the lead thought it was the ballet (during which he goes to get his make up redone for the scene after the ballet) and completely forgot he had another scene first, and so had gone downstairs to the make up people, and there was a good minute of stage time when he just wasn't there, and the starkeeper just stood there polishing stars, and then everyone backstage heard this thundering up the stairs, and he dashed to the other side of the stage and walked on. Amazingly it couldn't be heard from the audience apparently, but it was very loud, and very amusing backstage. Apart from that it was ok, although I think everyone felt a bit flat - not really sure why.

Today I had a rehearsal for my song for the concert I am doing in December, and then went straight to the theatre after that. It went quite well tonight - we had a particularly responsive audience in, although I have to say that they have all been fairly good, but they were particularly enthusiastic tonight. My back was hurting more tonight - it is really hurting quite a lot now. I had to take the tape off today that the physio had put on, as I couldn't really be doing with getting it all wet yet again, and I didn't think that it was really making that much difference anyway, but my back was definitely a lot worse tonight, so maybe it had been helping. My upper hamstrings/hips are still really tight - they seem to be getting worse. I can't even get into flat splits on what is usually my good leg, and the place that is stopping me really shouldn't be - that isn't where doing the splits stretches you! So I am still doing them on my other leg, which I can just about still make it on. I think my body really needs a rest - it is just all seizing up on me. There are a couple of limbering classes next week at my dance school as it is half term, but I think I just need to rest.

Tomorrow I have a matinee as well as an evening performance, so will be at the theatre from about half 1 until after the evening show. There is no point in going out between the shows, as there will only be about 2 hours between the end of the matinee and the start of the evening performance, and getting out of costume and make up takes 20 minutes, then most people like to be there an hour and a half before the show to start getting ready, so that would leave 10 minutes out of the theatre, which obviously isn't worthwhile! So I think people will just order food in - I can't imagine anyone will bother going out. There is an aftershow party, but I don't know whether I am going to be able to go or not. My parents are going to see the show tomorrow, and so they won't want to wait around for too long after, and so I could just go for a little while, but then everyone pays £8 for the aftershow, to cover costs of food/drink etc, and it isn't worth me paying that if I can only stay for an hour or less, and I would have no other way of getting home.

It is weird to think the show will be over tomorrow. I can't quite decide how I feel about it. I think if I wasn't injured I would be more upset, but I do know that my body really needs a rest, or my back is never going to get better. I will miss some of the people in the cast who I get on really well with, and I guess being on stage, but I know that even just a couple of weeks ago I really couldn't be bothered with going to rehearsals. And I have been feeling fairly flat all week, despite performing etc. Other people seem all kind of hyper and excited, and I am just flat, and I can't get that enthusiasm. Obviously I am pleased when it goes well, and I am definitely more comfortable being on stage and acting than I am just being me, but I just feel like I am missing that spark.

Carousel and injuries

I have been pretty busy the last few days, hence the lack of writing. I had the dress rehearsal on Monday, which feels like a really long time ago now! As far as I can remember that all went ok, but it is all merging into one really. Then yesterday I had the first performance - that went fairly well. I felt a bit off balance when I was dancing, just a bit wobbly, but apparently it looked good and wasn't noticeable, so that's ok. The rest of the show went pretty well, although it was a bit slow, as was the dress rehearsal. Oh, although I just remembered I had a total nightmare. I am only in Act 2, so I spend Act 1 having my hair done, and then doing my make up, and then I get into costume sometime towards the end of Act 1, or in the interval. Last night I went to change, and realised I had left my white bra at home, and was wearing a bright green one. I spend the last scene in a white dress, so there was no way I could wear that, so there was a big panic! The problem had occurred because on Monday I had gone straight from a ballet class to the dress rehearsal, and so was in a leotard and tights, and had my white bra in my bag that goes to the theatre, but then after the dress rehearsal when I got dressed I naturally left that bra on, as I didn't even have another one with me, and so it went home and I completely forgot about it until I was changing. So I rung my mum and told her what had happened. I asked if she was wearing a white bra, as although she is smaller than me it would have done, but typically she was wearing a black one, so she dashed off to Tesco, bought 2 white bras, brought them to the theatre, and one of them fitted and I wore it. It was rather stressful, and it was lucky that yesterday I still had half an hour or so before I had to go on when I went to get changed, as if it had been much later there wouldn't have been time. So that was scary for a while. Plus the zip got stuck on my dress on my quick change, and I barely got changed in time - my dresser ended up having to yank it down over my hips, which could easily have broken it, but luckily it didn't, and we had no alternative. Tonight was better I think - no major disasters, and we took about 7 minutes off the time from last night, just from people picking up cues quicker, and some of the music that had been slightly slow being sped up a bit. There was a slight panic in the middle of Act 2, when I was hanging around in the green room warming up, and an automated message came over the tannoy saying that there was an incident on the site and to await further instructions, and then a panicked looking techie ran through asking what was going on. The performance was still carrying on, so everyone on stage and all the audience were totally oblivious, but it was causing quite a stir backstage! It turned out that it had just been some steam that had set off an alarm which generates this automated message, so there was no disaster, but people were a bit worried for a couple of minutes!

My mum came to see the show tonight. She was going to see it on Saturday night with my dad, but she has to take me up there every night and hang about, as it is too far for her to come back home, so she has to just go to see friends, or my brother who lives there or something, and she mentioned that she would quite like to see the show another night as she is up there, but the cost was putting her off, so I said I would buy her a ticket for tonight as she is taking me up there every night, and one of her friends went with her. So her and her friend went tonight, and then she will be going again on Saturday with my dad. When everyone else in the show was talking the other day about who they had going to see it I felt a bit left out, as I only had my parents going, and they all seemed to have loads of people. Obviously lots of them have work colleagues etc, which I don't have, but then lots of them had friends going, or lots of family etc, and I just had my parents. My siblings never come to see me perform - I think my sister has been to see two shows that I have done, out of over 20, and my brothers have never come to see anything. I do appreciate that not everyone is into theatre, particularly musicals, but it would be nice if they came to support me, even if it wasn't their favourite thing, although both of my sister in laws actually like musicals. And it isn't like they live a long way away - one of my brothers is a bit further away, but my sister is about a 30 minute drive from the theatre, and my other brother lives in the same town. I just feel a bit hurt that they never make any effort at all. I would go and see my sister doing something, whether I was interested in it or not. I don't know if I am being oversensitive or if it is a normal reaction and I am justified in feeling a bit hurt. It is the same with my friends really too. I do have quite a few friends who live a long way away, and I wouldn't expect them to come, but I have other friends who live close and could come. I do have 2 people who have come or are coming - one is my old History teacher from college, who I have always been in contact with, and who likes theatre and came last night, and the other is a lovely fellow blogger, who is coming from further away than any of my siblings would have to. It really means a lot that they have made the effort to come and see it. But it does hurt a bit that none of the rest of my family bother, or my friends. Although I know that T would, but he is in another show this week, and so it would be impossible. Plus the other women in my dressing room all have loads of cards around their mirrors too, and the only ones I got were from my stage parents. I know it is just a really small, unimportant thing, but it is just nice to feel like people care, and when other people have lots of flowers and cards and things and I don't it just makes me feel a bit crap about myself. Although it was really sweet tonight - when I was in the green room last night I was chatting to a couple of people and mentioned that when I was talking to T yesterday he said he was off buying flowers for the lead females in his show, and I told him that nobody had ever bought me flowers for a show, and when I arrived tonight one of the women I had been talking to gave me some flowers. I just thought it was so sweet of her - she isn't a cast member, and I don't even know her name. I think she might be one of the chaperones for the children, but I am not even sure what her involvement is. I have chatted to her a fair bit when I have been hanging around when I am not on stage the last few days, but that is all, and I just thought that it was such a lovely thing for her to do. It is so lovely when people do things that you aren't expecting at all. Some people are just so thoughtful. Buying flowers for someone you barely know is just such a sweet thing to do, and I had only mentioned it in passing when everyone was talking about gifts for shows etc. So yes, I really appreciated that.

My back is hurting a bit. It is ok when I am performing - I don't really notice it then, but it hurts when I get offstage, and particularly when I get back home. I am still taking anti inflammatory tablets and painkillers 3 times a day, but it does still hurt. It is better than it was - it is just still painful. I went to see the physio again yesterday and she said it was still all pretty tight and inflamed, hence the pain. She massaged it to try and get it to relax a bit (and commented on how knotted my shoulders are, which they really are - my whole back has just turned into giant knots, and my shoulders are tender just to touch), and then she taped up my lower back to try and provide some support for it, but obviously she couldn't tape it too tightly as it would have restricted my movement. So I have had that on since yesterday. She said if I thought it was helping I could leave it on for 4 or 5 days, but that is kind of difficult, as I asked what I was supposed to do about it when I showered, and she said try and keep it as dry as possible. Well I discovered today that as dry as possible is soaking wet. How are you meant to have a shower and wash your hair and not get a big section of your back wet?! Today's bright idea was to cover it all with clingfilm and to tape that on, but the taping underneath still got soaking wet, so that wasn't very successful. I then tried to dry it with a hairdryer, as it was a bit uncomfortable wet (hence her saying to try and keep it dry) but that just seemed to dry the top layer of tape really, and there were quite a few wet layers underneath. So it might not end up staying on for 5 days.... I have also been having problems with my hips. Well, not actually my hips, but I don't know how else to describe where it is. The bones just underneath your bottom where your hamstring attaches. I often get discomfort there, and have to pop my hip (or that bone) which is apparently when my hamstring has caught on the bone and I pop it off. That is apparently a not good thing to happen, but I do it most days, and I am used to it. But the last couple of weeks I have been getting more and more discomfort, and it either isn't popping, or popping it isn't releasing it. I don't know if it is referred pain from my back and holding myself awkwardly, or if it is because I didn't dance for a couple of weeks because of my back, or something completely unrelated to my back, but they are really uncomfortable. And when I stretch, whatever stretch I do, that is the place I feel it in, and it really hurts sometimes when I am stretching. I am trying to stretch it out, as that is what it feels like it needs, but it just seems to be getting tighter and tighter every day. I have had to change the ballet sequence so I go into the splits on my other leg, as the leg I was originally doing them on, which is usually more comfortable for me, has more pain in there, and it just hurts too much. I did ask the physio about it, and she just said to stretch my hamstrings, but that doesn't seem to be helping. I really don't need any more injuries thank you - my back is enough, I don't want something else to have to try and work around!

Next week can be a complete week off dance wise. I won't have any ballet classes because it is half term, Carousel will be finished, and luckily I didn't book a place on either of the courses I was thinking about doing. I very nearly did book for the one that was commutable, but in the event it is probably a good thing I didn't, as I think my body will probably appreciate a rest - it doesn't seem happy at the moment. The rest of this week looks to be pretty quiet apart from Carousel, so lots of sleeping and trying to relax is called for I think.

Sorry

Sorry, I have been neglecting this rather. I am too tired right now, but I will make sure that tomorrow I come on here and write about yesterday's dress rehearsal, my day today (including seeing L), and tonight's performance. But now I must sleep. I am also really behind on reading/commenting on blogs because of being out so much. I am reading everything, but may comment less than usual, as I am a day or two behind on reading, and short on time. I do hope everyone is ok though. And I will update properly tomorrow!

Tech day

I thought that today was going to be an absolute nightmare. We had the band call this morning, which I thought would probably be fine, but then we had the tech this evening, and in my experience tech rehearsals are generally a nightmare. They are the first time you get on stage with all the scenery, microphones, costumes, props etc, and generally everything that can go wrong does, and you have to repeat things endless times for the tech crew to sort X out, which is fair enough as it is their rehearsal, but it really is tedious. And of course constantly being told the rehearsal isn't for you - it is for the tech crew can be frustrating. So yes, I wasn't exactly looking forward to it - I don't think it is anyone's favourite part of a production.

I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was really stressed about one of my costumes. It is the one I have to wear for the ballet and the scene after, and I was expecting something fairly flimsy and light, and easy to dance in etc, but was given a fairly typical Victorianesque child dress - fitted body, mid calf length full skirt with a ruffle thing at the bottom, sash, etc. I was stupid - at the costume call I just checked it fitted and that the skirt was full enough for me to do the splits in, and I didn't even think about anything else. Then last night when I was trying to sleep I went into panic mode about it. I decided that a) it was too heavy and I wouldn't be able to lift my legs properly in it, b) that my pas de deux partner wouldn't be able to work with it as he is used to dancing with me in jazz pants, when he can easily grab my legs etc, without layers of fabric getting in the way, and c) that my foot would get caught on the hem attaching the ruffle bit and I would end up stuck or falling flat on my face. And basically just thinking it would be a complete and utter disaster and there would be no way I could dance in it. And I couldn't sleep because I was just getting so stressed about the whole thing and how terrible it would be. So it was late when I finally got to sleep, and then I slept really badly with loads of dreaming and waking up and tossing and turning, so I was not happy about getting up, and I was feeling pretty stressed. The day did start well as I have lost 2lbs in 2 days, so felt slightly less grotesque, and slightly more ok about being on stage and dancing etc, but I really was tired, and I just cannot shift this cold/sore throat thing I have, let alone my bad back.

I got to band call today and immediately went up to the choreographer and told her I was concerned etc. She said she had also been expecting something more floaty, and to see how I got on, and a replacement could be got if necessary. I decided to put it on at band call to give me an extra chance to try it out and see how it felt. To be fair it wasn't as terrible as it was in my head last night - I think I was catastrophising a little.... The ruffle/frill bit around the bottom is probably the biggest problem, as although there is no chance of my foot getting stuck in it like I was imagining, it is where most of the weight is, which is one of the problems both because it makes it heavier (although again, not too heavy to lift my leg like I was imagining...) and because it sets the weight of the dress in a weird position, and doesn't allow it flow like it should. It is also a shame that the material is not at all sheer/flowy as it means you can't actually see what my legs and feet are doing, which is kind of important in ballet. The dress would be absolutely fine for ensemble number dancing etc, but it just isn't right for a ballet. And because of the weird weight line it throws my balance off slightly, which isn't good. One of the chorus members had the bright idea that we could just unstitch the ruffle and get the costume woman to sew it back on before returning it to the hire place, but I am not sure about that - sounds a bit dodgy! Anyway, it wasn't as bad as I was expecting - my centre felt a bit out as I said, and you can't see my legs/feet which is a shame after all the work the choreographer has put in, but it won't be the end of the world if I have to use it - it will just be a shame. It felt worse in the band call this morning than it did during the actual tech rehearsal, but I think that is partly because the venue the band call was in had a really slippery floor, as so wasn't good for dancing in full stop. The choreographer was great about it though - I asked if the director would have a problem with me changing the dress, as he liked it at the costume call, and she said 'Well, you are my dancer, and if you aren't happy with it and I'm not happy with it, then it doesn't really matter what he thinks to be honest - it is primarily a dance costume, so I have the final say!' so it was really good to know that she would support me, as I had expected her to just say something along the lines of not being sure there was anything they could do about it etc. Her, the director, and the costumier are going to the hire place tomorrow, as there are several more costumes needed because of the ones being sent not fitting etc, so they are going to see if they can find anything more suitable for me, but if not I will just have to make do with what I have.

The actual tech rehearsal went surprisingly smoothly! I don't even like saying that, as I feel like it is somehow jinxing the dress rehearsal, but it really did! It was definitely the easiest tech I have ever been involved with. You normally have to stop so often, but I think we only had 2 proper stops, possibly 3, which is really pretty good going. There was one that affected me - the middle tabs go across at the end of the scene before the ballet, and the scene continues front of tabs as it merges into the ballet scene, and the tech crew have to change the set behind the tabs, and then the tabs open and I start the dance, but they hadn't set the scene in time, and so the music for the ballet started and the tabs were still closed, so I just danced around behind the tabs for a little while until the director stopped the show and got them to reset the previous scene and do the set change again to see if they could do it in time, and it worked fine that time, so hopefully it won't be a problem in the future. The ballet went fine, despite the dress. Dr Theatre worked his magic and stopped my back hurting the whole time I was performing, although I was in a lot of pain when I finished. The only other things I was really concerned about was a couple of things I have to do very quickly - the first is put my radio mic on after the ballet but before I have to enter for the next scene, which is about 30 seconds, but with someone helping me we managed it in time - I was a bit worried as I can't have it on for the ballet as the mic pack would probably get in the way with the lifts etc, but I have to have it on for the next scene. The other thing was a very quick costume change - I have to change out of the dress I am wearing for the ballet, which means undoing the sash, unclipping the pin mic, zipping the dress, getting out of the dress, getting out of my shoes, and then putting on a petticoat, long white socks (would have been tights, but thought socks would be quicker to get on, and look the same as the dress is long), a different dress, different ballet shoes, another sash, attaching the pin mic to the new dress, and putting in a hair slide with a bow on it in maybe a minute and a half. It is definitely a pretty quick change - one to be done in the wings for sure and with 2 people helping. We managed it with about 15 seconds to go I think, so that was pretty good - 15 seconds is a lot in a change that quick, but there is definitely not going to be time to get back to the dressing room, even though it is number 1, and therefore closest to the stage - just through the stage door. But that's ok - I have done plenty of changes in the wings before, and I seem to have someone pretty efficient helping me, so hopefully it will be fine!

In between the band call and the start of the tech I went out for a meal with some of the other cast members - the girl playing my mother, who I think is one of the most genuine, lovely people I have ever met - she is just so sweet and caring to everyone, and then 3 of the girls from the ensemble. We went to Pizza Express. It was nice. They are a really nice crowd. A couple of things were a bit difficult - firstly the obvious - eating out is always difficult for me. I desperately wanted to purge but couldn't as for some reason we all went to the toilets together at the end of the meal, so there was no way that was going to happen. So that was tough. I tried to keep telling myself it was the only meal I was going to get today and so it was ok, and that I was dancing too, but I am sure I will have gained weight tomorrow, and that will be far from ok. Then the other thing that was slightly uncomfortable was that my 'mother' mentioned her husband being away at the moment, as his 19 year old brother had died, and it turned out to be a suicide, and one of the ensemble girls said her uncle had killed himself and she had been the last person to speak to him, and so it lead into a bit of talk about suicide, and I just didn't know what to say. None of them know that I have mental health problems or anything, and it didn't seem an appropriate time to mention that I have tried to kill myself a couple of times, so I just sat there and felt a little awkward. But it was good apart from those two things.

This was meant to just be very quick before I went to bed, and I have ended up writing loads. I should have learnt by now that I am not good at writing a little bit. Luckily I don't have to be up early tomorrow. I do need to get some eyelashes at some point, as we are apparently supposed to wear false eyelashes I discovered today - I will be shit at putting them on, I might have to get the make up people to do it for me. I am just not good at things like that! There is a possibility I will have to go over to the costume hire place to try on dresses, but I expect the choreographer will sort it out without me needing to go over there. Then I have ballet 5:45 - 6:45, and then the dress rehearsal starts at 7:30. I am tempted to try and book another physio appointment for either tomorrow or Tuesday, as my back still isn't better, and maybe there is some treatment they could do now that would make more of a difference. It is better than it was, but it does still give me quite a lot of pain, and I don't think it should be 3 weeks after I hurt it, particularly with the quantity of painkillers I have been taking! Just a shame it is so expensive! I hope the dress rehearsal goes as well as the tech did - if it does then it should be a good show.

Home alone

I didn't go to the wedding. I set my alarm for 8 this morning so that I could decide, but I still couldn't decide, and just ended up getting increasingly stressed about it as I just couldn't decide whether or not to go. I knew that whatever I did I would regret - if I went I would have spent the whole day exhausted, and also probably been pretty bored in the middle of the day when my parents were at the wedding breakfast, and spent lots of the day wishing I was at home, and also been exhausted tomorrow. But then not going would just mean sitting here on my own for 13 hours or so and feeling guilty for not being at my cousin's wedding etc. So it was a lose lose situation really. I ended up getting more and more worked up and just wound up in a hysterical state, which of course ended up making it so late that I didn't have a choice about whether or not to go as it was too late. I do think that not going was probably the right decision. I would have liked to see my cousin get married etc, but when I have such a busy week ahead it probably wouldn't have been the best idea. Particularly since I still have a cold and earache etc, plus my back.

So I am just sitting here watching crap TV (have so far watched Monk, Come Dine With Me, am now on Ugly Betty, and then comes Harry Hill followed by X Factor....). I am thinking I should probably get something to eat as I haven't eaten yet today and it is 6:45, but I have gained so much weight lately, and am feeling so terrible about my weight, that I really don't want to eat anything so that my weight will have gone down tomorrow. Also I don't know what I would have, and can't really be bothered to get anything, and I don't actually think I am even hungry. But I know that once I start eating I won't be able to stop. Although I really am pretty exhausted, so maybe I would be able to, because I wouldn't want to keep going downstairs. I don't know. I just feel pretty crap and tired and unmotivated.

The straw that broke the camel's back

I think my body hates me. Firstly, I hurt my back. My fault, fair enough, but why is it still not better?? I hurt it 2 and a half weeks ago (and then hurt it more 2 weeks ago), but I did then give it 10 days of complete rest and lots of anti inflammatory tablets and painkillers and a physio appointment and Tiger Balm, so I think I treated it nicely. But it still isn't better. It is still hurting me. Both my GP and the physio told me it would be completely better by now, and it is far from that. It is better than it was, but it still hurts a lot, and is definitely not completely better. I have been dancing this week, because I just couldn't afford to take any more time off rehearsing, but I have taken out the lift that was most likely to cause a problem, as it was how I originally hurt it, and today was the first time I have danced full out and done all of the other lifts etc. But it is definitely hurting. Although Tiger Balm is a godsend, and helps far more than any painkillers.

Then there is this cold/sore throat/earache thing I have going on. I don't feel terribly congested, which is supposedly what is wrong with my ear, as I can breathe through my nose etc, but my ear is still hurting despite the enormous quantities of painkillers I am taking for my back, and it feels weird - like when you have been swimming and have water stuck in your ear and everything sounds strange, except I haven't been swimming and got water stuck in my ear. And then the sore throat/cough thing. Then I also have 4 mouth ulcers which are pretty uncomfortable to say the least, and finally, just to add insult to injury, I got a spot today. Fabulous.

So I think it is safe to say that my body hates me. Or I am very run down. Or a combination of the two. Can bodies hate you? If they can I am going with that. Otherwise I suppose it is just stress and lack of sleep and bad timing.

I went to ballet last night despite feeling shit. I had missed 2 full weeks because of my back, and so decided that I really shouldn't let a cold stop me from going. It was ok, although possibly did make my back a little worse, although it is hard to tell really. Then tonight I had rehearsal, plus an extra dance rehearsal before to go through the pas de deux in the ballet as we have had so little rehearsal time. I think we have got it sorted now. My back hurt quite a lot after, but I don't have to dance again until Sunday now, so I have a couple of recovery days. And there isn't much I can do about it anyway. There isn't anyone who could replace me at this stage, so I just have to get on with it. It apparently looked beautiful (although I suspect that is a gross exaggeration) so at least I am not hurting myself for nothing...

Tomorrow I have a costume call in the evening, and have told my mum I will go shopping with her in the day. My cousin is getting married on Saturday and she apparently has nothing to wear, so I have to help her find something. I don't know whether to go to the wedding or not. It is all a bit difficult really. I would like to go, because it is my favourite cousin getting married, but I would need to travel there with my parents for the wedding at 12. They are then invited to the wedding breakfast in the afternoon, but I am not, and would therefore have about 6 hours to kill before the evening reception started, and I have no idea how I would fill that much time. Originally I was actually going to be invited to the wedding breakfast, but my siblings weren't, as they are all married with children, and the place they are having it is expensive, and all of them going would basically mean an extra 12 people. But my mother knew my sister would have an almighty strop if I was invited and she wasn't, so she told them not to invite me either. So I would have to leave the house at 10:30 with my parents, go to the wedding itself at 12, then find something to do for lots of hours until the evening reception started at 7. So that is a bit of a problem. I would like to see my cousin get married - I have always liked him, ever since he used to play hide and seek with me when I was little, despite being a lot older. In fact, I used to say that I was going to marry him when I was very young, before I realised that marrying your cousin wasn't the done thing. But 6 hours - what on earth could I do for 6 hours?!

The other problem with it is that I don't know what time I would get home, and I have to be at the band call for Carousel at 10 the next morning, until 2, then be at the theatre at 5 for the tech rehearsal, which should finish about 10, so I will be out the house for about 13 hours on Sunday, which is obviously a very long day, and it wouldn't be ideal to precede that with another long day. Plus techs tend to be pretty stressful, and hellish, as everything that can go wrong does, and you suddenly realise you are going to have to completely reset certain scenes, or the staging isn't what you were expecting, or your costume proves to be a nightmare, and you end up having to stop every 3 minutes because a lighting cue hasn't worked etc, and you keep being reminded that the tech rehearsal isn't for the actors, it is for the tech crew, but that doesn't make it any less of a nightmare, and everyone leaves thoroughly disheartened. Or that is my experience of techs anyway. Then on Monday I have the dress rehearsal, and am intending to go to ballet before as there won't be an issue timing wise, then I have performances Tuesday onwards. So the next week and a half is going to be pretty hectic.

So I can't decide whether I want to go out all day to a wedding the day before all that kicks off. The obvious answer would be no - it would be a fucking stupid thing to do when I am already ill and injured and tired and everything else. But weddings are special - it isn't like I can decide to go another day instead. But I just keep wondering what on earth I could do with those 6 hours in the middle, and do I really want to be out late the day before tech, or is that just asking for trouble? And if I do decide to go to the wedding then I also need to find something to wear tomorrow. What do you wear to a wedding in the autumn when the weather is crap? I only know what you wear to summer weddings. I also need to dye my hair tomorrow as it needs to be darker for the show really. Too much to do.

I am still feeling shit, but there isn't much to say about that really. Nothing new. My weight had gone up today, and I felt absolutely terrible about it. I then rectified the sitation by eating nothing but junk food all day, which will ensure another gain tomorrow, and I will therefore feel even worse. T came over this afternoon to watch DVDs, and brought with him an enormous pizza and a chocolate orange. Actually he brought 2 enormous pizzas, but I only cooked 1 of them as there was no way I was eating more than half of one of those. So my food intake today has consisted of half a (giant) pizza, quarter of a chocolate orange, then at rehearsal there were jaffa cakes and Cadbury caramel nibbles, which I had quite a few of, and then a chocolate cookie my mum had brought home from work after rehearsal. So ermm the only non chocolate item of food I have eaten today is half a pizza. How spectacularly unhealthy and fattening. I really do disgust myself sometimes. So yes, weight is shit, will be even shitter tomorrow, feel depressed and suicidal, too much on, ill, injured, and have a spot. Life is going well. And yes, the spot does fucking matter. I am currently viewing it as the straw that broke the camel's back. A little tiny thing but just made me feel everything that could possibly be wrong, is.