Collapsed brain

I am really determined to get an earlier night tonight. It was 7am again last night/this morning, and I just find that so hideous. I hate being awake still when I hear my parents getting up. If I lived on my own I don't think I would care, but I just hate hearing other people getting up when I haven't been to sleep yet. So I am really hoping for an earlier night tonight.

I got through rehearsal ok. I had to go at 6:30 to work on my songs for an hour with the Musical Director. That was ok. He seemed happy enough, although he is very precise about what he wants, so is quite hard to please. And seems to think that I have lungs of steel and can hold a note for far longer than I actually can. But he seemed pleased. Although it was slightly embarrassing, as I have a tendency to not warm up very thoroughly before rehearsals - on Mondays I literally don't get a chance to as I go straight from ballet, and on Wednesdays I tend to do maybe 5 or 10 minutes, which is totally inadequate. Tonight I had probably warmed up for about 20 minutes, which is still fairly pathetic, but an improvement on usual, and he asked if I had just come from a singing lesson or had been warming up properly as it sounded much better than usual. Note to self: warm up properly - people can tell the difference unfortunately. I have got very lazy vocally - I haven't had a proper singing lesson since the summer, and I don't sing every day, which I really should be doing, and then I expect to be able to go into a rehearsal, without warming up properly, and sing four solos, a duet, and solo lines in a couple of other songs, plus ensemble singing. Doesn't work. It isn't fair on my voice. After that I spent an hour and a quarter getting increasingly fed up and desperate to get home, as I was just sitting around, as they were working on a number I am not in. Then finally they started work on the number we were scheduled to rehearse tonight, which is a big ensemble number, lead by me and three others, which has a big tap break in the middle. The tap is very fast - not difficult steps, but very fast, and with some tricky rhythms, which makes it difficult. Unfortunately I have already forgotten one section, which is indicative of my current inability to concentrate and retain information, as usually I just have to do a dance a couple of times and it is ingrained in my head, but I just can't remember some of it at all. I now have no rehearsals for a week and a half, which is the most enormous relief. It is half term next week, and as the MD is a music teacher, and the Director/Choreographer is a dance teacher, they both have the week off work, and so are going away (they are a couple), which means no rehearsals until Sunday 27th. I also don't have ballet next week for the same reason, so I basically have no commitments at all for the next week and a half, and that just feels so good. Although at the same time, it does make me feel more unsafe. When I have commitments, like rehearsals that I know I can't miss as it would mess things up for the rest of the cast, it makes me feel obliged to keep going however shit I feel, whereas now I am free from that, which makes the suicidal thoughts even stronger. Of course I realise it would be difficult for them after that week and a half if I were dead, but I can't think that far ahead, and all I can think at the moment is that I have no commitments at the moment, my mum's birthday is out of the way, and so there is nothing to stop me acting on my thoughts. To be honest I am feeling quite unsafe.

I tried to phone my GP earlier. I didn't have a clue what I would say to her. Saying 'I don't trust you because you have been taken over by them and now you have taken over my mum, but I need help' seemed somewhat inappropriate, but is the truth. I don't trust her any more - I don't trust anyone. But I am desperate, particularly as I knew I have been feeling increasingly unsafe. So I didn't really know what to do. In the end I did ring, at about 12:30, and the receptionist said they would get her to call me back as she was with a patient. She didn't ring all afternoon, and I know that she has afternoon surgery from 4 - 6, so I knew that if she did call me back it would be after that. I had left my mobile number as usual, but I had to leave for rehearsal at 6, and was rehearsing alone with the MD until nearly 7:30, so couldn't have taken any calls in that time even if she had rung. My GP tends to phone at strange times - I have had a call from her at 8:15pm before, so I kept my phone on vibrate in my pocket, so that I could answer it if she did ring, but I didn't hear anything. When I got home my dad said she had rung at 7:30 - I don't know why she had called the landline rather than my mobile, but obviously it meant I couldn't speak to her. That doesn't really feel like a bad thing - I didn't know what I could say anyway. I just feel like I need help from somewhere, and I would prefer to speak to her than whoever happened to be on duty at the CMHT. L is in work tomorrow, so I have sent an email asking if she could phone me. Again, I feel very unsure about what I can say, as I am still feeling really mistrustful of all professionals, and I know she can't change how I feel or what I am planning to do, but I just really need to talk to someone I know, and whom I have trusted in the past, even if I don't at the moment. It probably won't help or make any difference, but at least I will have tried. I really have absolutely no idea what I can say to her. I don't even know what I am scared of. I just don't trust anyone at the moment. I do wonder whether there is any point trying to get help. I have done that, it didn't work. Maybe I should just learn from that and not try and get help - just get on with it. But when I feel very suicidal and unsafe I just get this frustrating part of me that nags me to talk to someone, even if I know it will make no difference. I suppose knowing it will make no difference is why it feels safe to do so. I know nobody can stop me from acting on my thoughts if that is what I choose to do, or at least L wouldn't anyway, so despite feeling like she has been taken over and is against me, I know she wouldn't make me do something I wasn't happy with, like insisting I go to A&E, or having me assessed or anything like that, and my mum already knows so it isn't like she can threaten to speak to her. That's one of the reasons I couldn't call the CMHT whilst she was away - there was the possibility of fuckwit ex-care coordinator being on duty, and if he knew I was feeling like this then he would insist I went to A&E, or have me assessed under the MHA, and I am not having either of those things happen. But I still trust L not to do that, and I don't believe my trust in that respect is misplaced, because I know hospital is the last thing she wants for me. I feel confused. I don't know what to say to her if she calls. I don't know what I can tell her. I don't trust her because I know she is on their side, but she is also my only option. And she can't stop me. Suicide feels so appealing. It is like it is beckoning to me. I just feel like such a mess at the moment. I am beyond confused. My brain just feels like it has collapsed.

Just stop

It is 5:15am and I am not remotely sleepy, and am feeling very tense, despite taking 10mg Diazepam. The suicidal thoughts are really in full swing, and although I am not intending to act on them tonight, it doesn't make them any weaker or easier to cope with. I think I might have to have another Diazepam, as when I feel like this my thoughts just go into overdrive and I have absolutely no chance of sleeping.

I am feeling so alone. I know I have support online, and I am truly grateful for that, but in real life I have absolutely nothing, and it is hard. Actually it is much worse than hard. I desperately feel like I need some support, but there is nowhere to turn. My GP works Wednesdays, but there is no point contacting her, as I have grasped exactly what she thinks from my mum speaking to her last week, and she has certainly been turned against me. I could phone and speak to whoever is on duty at the CMHT, but a) I don't trust that it won't be a fuckwit on duty, as there are several of them, b) they will all be against me too, and c) they will either suggest going for a walk, having a bath, or listening to music, and none of those are remotely helpful suggestions at the moment. I always find walking very anxiety provoking - I am always paranoid that someone is following me, and it really does scare me. I find baths the opposite of relaxing. I hate just lying there with my thoughts. I don't see how that is supposed to be relaxing or helpful. And I usually love music, but as I have explained on here before, I find it really difficult to listen to at the moment unless there is a particular song I need to hear - otherwise it just sounds like irritating noise that is drilling through my head, even if it is a CD I usually love. The TV is similar - I get a headache within about 5 minutes of turning it on as it just overwhelms me. And I can't concentrate to read. So essentially, anything they might suggest I do is useless, and therefore I am fucked.

I miss L. I know that sounds weird, given that she has been turned against me, and hasn't done anything to help me lately, but I do. I guess that is why attachment issues are such a bitch. Even when you know someone isn't helping, you can't get over them. I was thinking about it, and actually I don't think things have ever been quite the same with her since that time in November when I felt very let down by her. Things did get back on track and feel ok after that, but I suppose I never had quite the same level of trust in her following that, and now I feel like she doesn't care about me at all and doesn't care what happens to me, as she just left me with an appointment for a fortnight's time when she knew how awful I was feeling. And yet I still miss her. That is wrong, and it pisses me off. I am angry with myself for wanting to talk to her. I don't want to miss her. I want to be angry with her. But every time I am feeling desperate I just get this overwhelming desire to talk to her. And yet last Thursday and Friday when she was in work, and I could have rung her, I didn't because I was just too upset. I feel really confused about the whole thing. I suppose it is a bit like the situation with my mum. I still feel like she has been turned against me where my mental health is concerned, but I still love her despite that. I feel let down by her, and I feel like she either doesn't believe me, or doesn't care about me any more, in much the same way I feel about L, but she is still my mum, and I still love her. I just have to accept that I can't rely on her for support. And I suppose it would be the same with L, except our whole relationship is based on support, as that is why she is there, which makes it much more awkward, But of the CMHT she is still the only person I want to talk to. I feel lost and alone and desperate, and like the people I have relied on and trusted the most are no longer there for me. I really feel like I can't cope.

I have rehearsal again tonight. It is going to be a long one, as I have to get there an hour early to work on my solos with the musical director, and then I have the normal rehearsal, so I will be there from 6:30 until at least 10, possibly 10:30. It's all too much. I want to scream and shout and cry but I don't think that would be appreciated by my parents or my neighbours given that it is 5:30am. I just can't cope. I want out. I want to make everything stop. Just stop. Why isn't it getting any easier? Surely it should be getting easier. And it isn't. It just gets harder and harder. I don't believe that these thoughts and feelings are going to go away without me acting on them. It is too intense. And it feels like the right thing to do. I don't want to wait for them to pass. I just want to make it all stop.

Useless

I am spectacularly useless. I fucked up making buttercream. How can you fuck up mixing butter and icing sugar?? I have no idea, but I did. It has curdled. I have made buttercream enough bloody times with no problems. I think maybe the buttercream sensed my negative energy and got upset. Is that possible? Horses can tell when you are tense, maybe buttercream can too.

My mum's boss died this morning. That's sad. He was due to retire in the summer too. He wasn't even very old. Whenever I hear about someone dying I wish I could swap places with them so that they could keep living. It seems unfair that they should die when they want to live. I don't think my mum will have had a very good birthday.

I got a message today from the person doing publicity for the show saying she needed to talk to me and the male lead tonight at rehearsal, and take some photos, as she has to get a press release out by Wednesday. This is a not good thing. For a start it scares me because it makes it all seem too real. Secondly, I don't want my bloody picture taken tonight. I have to go straight from ballet to rehearsal on a Monday, and so invariably look a complete bloody mess. And yes, I am vain enough that I am bothered by that. I don't remember the last time I had the energy to put on make up or do my hair, and now I kind of have to or there will be pictures of me in the paper looking like complete shit with black rings under my eyes and little piggy eyes from tiredness and just hideous. Not that make up can redeem that, but it is good at improving things slightly. I just want to stay home and hide.

Broken

I don't know what to say. I feel broken. Everything feels wrong. The suicidal thoughts are incessant. My concentration is non existent, as is my motivation to do anything. I am constantly exhausted and yet still can't sleep properly. I don't seem to have much appetite at all, which my eating disorder is of course not minding, but it feels a bit wrong. If I have the TV or music on, even quietly, it feels like it is drilling through my head, unless I have a Diazepam first, which helps slightly. When you can't read, watch TV, listen to music, or do anything involving brain power (sometimes I do puzzle books when I can't concentrate to read, but they take more brain power than I have at the moment) I find there really aren't any distraction techniques. I come online but most of the time I seem to just stare at the screen in a daze. And then it gets too much and gives me a headache and I have to log off. I am completely alone as everyone in real life is against me. I am not entirely sure about my dad yet - he may not be, but I am not convinced. My mum is definitely completely on their side, 100%. In fact it is worse than that because she comes up with theories on everything, including me, and then presents them as though they are fact. Apparently it is like being a drug addict who needs more and more drugs, except for me it is support. Which is bollocks. When I was doing better and had weekly appointments with L I didn't have a problem with my level of support. However, when I am feeling how I am now, I do feel I need more support because it is too much to try and deal with alone. Today has been a very difficult day. Very emotional. I suppose this evening/tonight really. The suicidal thoughts have been incredibly strong and I have spent a lot of time either staring at the wall feeling completely numb, or getting upset and finding myself rocking and crying. There has been screaming at my mum for continuing to justify the shitness of mental health services and screaming at my mum because I am just in so much pain. Lots more crying. Desperate. Even now the thoughts of killing myself are incredibly strong. My eyes are stinging from all the crying. I have been very attached to my teddy bear the last two days. This is something that happened once before in a particularly bad patch. I wouldn't leave the house without him. At the moment he is being carried wherever I go, and my arm is around him as I am typing, which isn't convenient, but I suppose he is my security. I have had him since my first Christmas, and he has been virtually everywhere with me - his home has always been on my bed, and he has been on holiday with me, he went to university with me, he went into hospital with me - he has been nearly everywhere I have been. And throughout my life when I have been upset I have come to my room and cried on my bed with him. I am getting increasingly scared of leaving the house. I was trying to remember when I last went anywhere but thinking gives me a headache. I shouldn't have tried. All the days and nights have merged and I am thoroughly confused. On Monday I have to go to ballet and rehearsal and I am already feeling incredibly anxious about it. Not going isn't an option unless I am dead, but the thought of having to go out and be around people and be sociable fills me with dread, and ridiculous as it sounds, I don't want to be without my teddy. It is my mum's birthday on Monday. That means I need to pretend to be ok so I don't ruin the day for her, and I don't think I can do that at the moment. I feel like a shit daughter and that she would be better off without me. Everything feels much too much. I feel like I am going to snap really soon.

Overwhelmed ramblings

It is 4am and I am sitting here crying feeling totally overwhelmed and like my head is actually going to explode. This may not make much sense, I don't even know what I am saying yet. I just need to do something to try and ease my head a bit. It's been a really difficult evening and night, the thoughts are very strong, and I just seem to be finding it harder and harder to cope every day that goes by. I have no support for the next week and a half, and no way of accessing any other than calling whoever is on duty at the CMHT that day and them telling me to have a bath or go for a walk. I am feeling so desperate and I just keep trying to carry on and keep going and it just feels like torture, and I feel like there is nothing to keep trying for. There aren't even any small things that I can use as little targets, for example this time last week I knew I was seeing my GP the next day, then the crisis team the next day and so on, and although these weren't fun things, and in fact they made me very anxious, knowing that I had some support was helping me cope. I found it really difficult on Monday when I didn't hear from the crisis team like I had been told I would, but I knew that I was seeing L on Tuesday and I was just desperately hoping that would help a bit, or that she would be able to offer something in the way of support, or just something, anything. Since then I have been finding it harder and harder as I am just feeling incredibly unsupported.

I think a week or two ago I said how people always expect me to cope because I generally do, but that was the case last time I attempted suicide, when the only support I had was fortnightly sessions with a psychologist who I hated and found very unsupportive. I always thought that at least now I would never feel as unsupported as that, because I have L who has always been very supportive of me, but in a way it is worse at the moment, because I didn't expect that psychologist to do anything to try and help - she very clearly had a problem with me, and I found her patronising and sanctimonious. I felt like actually she couldn't have cared less whether I killed myself or not, and so I didn't expect any support from her. I hoped for different from L. She always has been very caring, and she would care if I killed myself, or I think she would, but I am still not getting any more support, and that almost hurts more and feels harder, because I hoped for more. Hope is dangerous, because then you end up in an even worse position if whatever you have hoped for doesn't materialise.

When the crisis team let me down at the weekend, by making promises that didn't materialise such as arranging an urgent appointment with the psychiatrist, and saying they would phone me and then not doing so, I wasn't that surprised, because most people I know have had bad experiences with crisis teams, including me. But it still hurt that they discharged me without telling me. And then I saw L, and I know I must have been very difficult that appointment, because at the moment my mood swings between just wanting to die, and feeling like I need to try and get through this but that I can't do it alone, and that morning I just wanted to die, which isn't really surprising given that I had a stressful day the previous day when I was essentially waiting to hear from the crisis team the entire day, then a difficult night with only a few hours sleep. I was obviously not in fighting mode. But I was still honest about everything. And to just have an appointment made for two weeks time actually felt quite devastating. As I said yesterday, I spoke to my GP, who seemed unimpressed with the crisis team discharging me, and L not seeing me for two weeks, although I did say that L would be on leave next week. And now it is Thursday night, or technically Friday morning, the suicidal thoughts are very strong, the person I have trusted most for the last 18 months hasn't seemed able to offer me any support this week, and is on leave next week, and I am being left with nothing and I am just supposed to get through and cope somehow and I just can't do it. I know this sounds terribly self pitying, but I have been trying so fucking hard, and doing everything you are told to in terms of asking for help etc, and it has just got me nowhere. And I am still feeling as bad as ever, and feeling less and less able to keep going, but with nowhere to turn. And I don't want to upset people or let people down; my family, my friends, the cast of the show, everyone who reads this or who I talk to on Twitter, L, my GP, which is why I have been trying so hard to keep going, and why even when I have wanted to die I have been honest about my feelings. But I just feel like I can't keep going any more. Today I thought about calling L, as she had said on Tuesday that she would be there today if I needed to talk, but I realised I had absolutely nothing to say. I couldn't ring and say 'Well you already know I am feeling desperately low and that I intend to kill myself, but I just thought I would remind you' and what else is there to say? I have asked for help, and that didn't get me anywhere. I feel ready to punch the next person who tells me that I am strong and that I can get through this (no offence to anyone if you have said that) because I can't cope with being strong at the moment and I can't get through this. So I didn't call. And then after tomorrow she won't be in work until the 21st, and there is no way that I can cope that long. Or that I want to. I know it is selfish, but I can't keep living for other people, which is what I have been trying to do lately. And I can't cope with no support. I feel like I have been backed into a tiny corner so that the only option I have been left with is suicide.

I realised something a little while ago. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to perform. For years and years it has been my ambition, my dream, to be in the West End. It has been the thing I have worked towards for years, and it is the only thing that I ever care about. Performing has always meant everything to me, and being in the West End has been like a life ambition. And I realised that if someone came to me tomorrow and offered me a job in the West End I would still want to die. I want to die more than I want the thing I have wanted and worked towards for as long as I can remember. And I don't think there has ever been a point in my life, however low I have felt, when I could have said that before. And that is a really horrible thing to realise. My lifelong ambition wouldn't be enough to make me want to stay alive.

Somehow it has taken me nearly 2 hours to write that. I don't know what my head is doing at the moment. It feels like time is playing games with me.

No change

I don't have much to say. Things are much the same. I was absolutely exhausted yesterday, and a combination of that, Diazepam, and Zopiclone managed to knock me out enough that I could sleep last night. The sleep was welcome, although I am still exhausted, but what I was more concerned about was not being awake during the night and feeling as desperate as I was the night before. I have no idea what will happen tonight, as I very much doubt I will be able to sleep again.

I spoke to my GP earlier. She seemed a bit perplexed that the crisis team had discharged me and I was back to just seeing L fortnightly. She said that she would speak to L, and I said that she wasn't there today, and she she said she would speak to her tomorrow. We talked a bit more and she decided she was going to call the crisis team again and get them to make contact with me this afternoon. I am assuming they told her to fuck off essentially, and that she then contacted the CMHT, as I have heard nothing from the crisis team, but I did get a phone call from the CMHT manager, saying that he had spoken to Dr O, and that he just wanted me to know that they are aware of how I am feeling. It was essentially a lot of patronising bollocks with him asking me if I knew I would be seeing the psychologist when I felt up to it, and me saying I know I am on the waiting list, and him then having to correct himself and admit that yes, I was on the waiting list. It pissed me off that he tried to imply that if I felt up to it then it could start now, which is clearly bollocks. She has apparently given them a good indication of what she feels is going on, which is lovely for them, and why I might feel like people aren't listening to me or rejected or abandoned (BPD anyone?) Anyway, he went on to say that they do understand how difficult I am finding things, and that the plan is that until I can see the psychologist (in 3 months time) to continue seeing L fortnightly, and have phone contact when required, and that he just wanted me to know that. So, the same as was happening before I was feeling suicidally depressed then? That's helpful. I appreciate my GP's efforts, but they appear to be in vain, as have my attempts at getting help been. I have tried absolutely everything now, apart from going to A&E, but I see that as entirely pointless, because that means being seen by the crisis team who discharged me two days ago, and presumably refused to take me on again today. I don't think anyone could claim that I haven't tried to get help to get through this.

I have to go to a rehearsal tonight which I am absolutely dreading, but I got out of Monday's by saying I had an upset stomach, and still got a rather narky text from the director, so there is no way of getting out of going tonight. That means I have to do things like get dressed and wash my hair, which feel ridiculously beyond me at the moment. I have to leave in an hour and a quarter and I've been trying to make myself get out of bed for about 3 hours now and failed.

Nothing

Today has been a strange day in that nothing has happened. That wouldn't usually be strange, but given that when I saw the crisis team yesterday they told me they would be speaking to L and psychiatrist today and try and get me an appointment to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible, and then when I spoke to the crisis team woman last night she said they were going to phone first thing today (amongst other threats), I am slightly baffled that I haven't heard from anyone. They may have tried to phone the landline I suppose, but I gave them my mobile number when I was first referred to them and told them to contact me on that as I don't answer the landline (I don't like not being able to see who is calling, and nobody ever phones me on the landline, so I just end up being an answerphone on the odd occasion I do answer it), and so they have called my mobile whenever they have rung me, plus there is no answerphone on the landline, so I am assuming they haven't called, and I haven't heard anything from L either. I wasn't necessarily expecting to, as I am due to see her in the morning, but if for example the crisis team had spoken to her and decided to stop seeing me, I would have thought she would have phoned, or they would have phoned to tell me so, and if they are still seeing me then I am not sure why they haven't contacted me.

I am not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is relieved. I didn't want to speak to scary woman from last night again. And I was feeling less and less like I wanted help yesterday, and feeling increasingly that it was a mistake to tell my GP how I was feeling and get referred to the crisis team, so perhaps it is for the best. But I dislike changes to plans, and the plan was that they were going to call me this morning, so for that reason I don't like that they didn't, just as I didn't like that they didn't call yesterday but just randomly turned up. I suppose I am still slightly concerned that might happen and that they will just randomly arrive, but I think it is unlikely now that it has got to this time of day and I haven't heard from them at all. And I would certainly have a massive complaint if they did turn up and felt it appropriate to break confidentiality as threatened yesterday, after not even contacting me all day, as they are quite clearly not concerned.

I was supposed to go to ballet and rehearsal tonight but I couldn't face leaving the house. I did try to make myself, but in the end it just felt impossible. I told the director of the show that I have an upset stomach. I just couldn't even face the showering and getting dressed part, let alone leaving the house and having to be sociable. I think I would just end up having a complete melt down. I don't even want to leave the house to see L tomorrow, but I will. I am also exhausted. My sleep isn't really improving, although I have taken 10mg Diazepam the last two nights, at the suggestion of the crisis team. It was about 6am when I got to sleep, and then my sleep was quite disturbed, and I eventually stopped trying to sleep at about 12, so allowing for the time spent awake I think I got a maximum of about 5 hours. I am still feeling much the same really, although feeling less like I want help. I am not sure if that is because I am feeling worse, or because I felt intimidated by the woman last night and it has scared me. It sounds ridiculous as they are meant to help, but I found that whilst I was talking to her the suicidal thoughts were just getting more and more intense, and I was getting a lot of really graphic images in my head, which I wasn't able to shake all night, or today. I have been having quite intrusive thoughts regarding killing myself, which have been somewhat different in content to my usual thoughts. I am feeling thoroughly exhausted.

Stop

I think (hope) I might be able to get to sleep earlier tonight. About every 10 days I seem to have a night where I am able to sleep earlier than usual (usual being sometime between 6 and 7am lately) and I am thinking tonight may be that night. Although I have no idea why I am thinking that. Desperation perhaps?? Since it is already 2:30am I suppose the chances are fairly low.

Rehearsal was long - 3 hours. Apparently not knowing my lines was fine - I said I was going to use my book because I wasn't confident enough with my stage directions or cues yet (which is true - we have only done any of the scenes once or twice, and that was the first time running the Act, and even if I had known my lines I would have needed my script for some of the stage directions I have scribbled in etc). Anyway she said that was fine - that when she had said books down for principals she hadn't meant for me or the male lead. Would have been nice if she could have said that at the time, but never mind. As usual I spent the whole time desperate to get home, so the rehearsal running over by half an hour was far from ideal. I felt pretty useless at rehearsal too. I felt like everyone must be wondering why I had been cast, because I know I was.

I have eaten way too much today. I feel disgusting. And it was all late night eating. That is when I am most vulnerable to eating too much. Rehearsal didn't finish until 10:30, and yet I managed to pack plenty of food in between then and about midnight. Hate myself for that.

I am still feeling the same. Feeling increasingly drained and exhausted by it all, and feel like I have less and less fight left in me each day. My head feels all over the place. I can't focus on anything. Still not heard anything from L, so I am now assuming she isn't planning to contact me before I am due to see her next week. I am not sure why. It is my nephew's birthday tomorrow. Birthdays are exciting when you are that age, so I mustn't do anything to ruin it for him, even though I won't be seeing him as my sister still isn't speaking to me. But my mum will be going over there, and I suppose if I was dead then she wouldn't. I had forgotten it was his birthday tomorrow until earlier today, and it was incredibly frustrating as I had kind of been planning to do something tonight, and that made me feel like I couldn't. So I have to keep holding on. I hate it. More than I can put into words. This is not living, and I am not interested in just surviving. I just want it all to stop.

A film

Sometimes this all feels like a dream. Or a nightmare. This can't be how my life has turned out. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. It can't be real. Sometimes it is like watching a film. This isn't my life. I am watching someone else. I can see myself sitting on the bed typing on my laptop as though I am not in my body. I can observe myself doing things, but without any sense of it being me. It is someone else's life, and I am watching, but I can't intervene - I can't get involved or speak or help. I can only watch. Like a film. That tends to be at the worst times. I watched myself take loads of tablets one time I attempted suicide. I have watched myself sitting in appointments, barely able to speak. In bed, staring at the walls. In A&E, sitting in a little cubicle waiting for someone to come and assess me. I have watched all of those things, and many others, as though they were a film. I see my mouth moving and hear words coming out, but I don't know what will be said, because I am just observing. I am not there. It is quite a surreal experience, and not one that I have often, but I generally find that it happens when I am at my very worst, and will happen quite a few times over a relatively short period, then stop. Recently it has started happening, just for short bursts at a time. Sometimes in the past it has lasted longer. When I was emailing L the other day. I could see myself typing. Also when I was trying to get dressed to go to the quiz the other day. I think it generally happens when I am particularly distressed, or am doing something that I find difficult, so I assume it must be some type of coping mechanism - if you are observing something you don't feel in the same way as when you are experiencing something. It is different to when I dissociate, or to what I think of as dissociating anyway, when I just don't remember anything. When it is like this I can see it all, and even see how I must be feeling, in the same way as you can see how a character must be feeling when you watch a film, but the feelings it elicits in you are different, for example if you see someone in great distress, you tend to feel pity rather than feeling that distress yourself, and that is what is like when I am seeing the film version of me. I suppose in some ways it is a relief, not to be experiencing the intense feelings that I know I am feeling, but it can also feel quite scary, as I feel completely out of control - I don't feel able to influence what I am doing, any more than you could a character in a film. But this isn't a film. It is my life.

I have to go to a rehearsal tonight. We are running Act 1 for the first time. The Director said last week that principals had to be books down. I know about 6 lines, and I only know them because they are on the CD as they lead into one of the songs. I don't have the concentration to even attempt learning them, not to mention not having the motivation. Leaning lines for a show I have no intention of being alive for seems entirely pointless, and with my concentration as poor as it is, trying to learn them would just result in me getting very upset and stressed. I have no idea what I will say - when asked why you are using your script you can't really reply that you have been too busy contemplating your suicide to learn your lines. I am finding this show torture. It should be great - it has a wonderful score and I have a very good part. But every rehearsal feels like hell. I dread going, feel terrible the whole time I am there, feel myself get increasingly tense and irritable, and then sometimes feel like I am going to burst into tears. The relief when it is over and I can go home is tremendous. I assume that I would feel differently if my mood wasn't like this, but it is. And so I turn up to rehearsal, and count down the minutes until I can leave. The run through will be hideous. When did something that I am supposed to be doing fun, that is the only thing I have ever cared about, turn into something I dread and loathe?

I can't cope. Carrying on like this is not an option.

Tax doesn't have to be taxing??

I am really tired. I didn't get to sleep until late again last night, and then our next door neighbours are having work done on their kitchen, and so there has been drilling and banging all day, and even though their kitchen is the other side of the house, somehow it disturbed me and stopped me sleeping. It is strange because it is so quiet, but it just kept me awake. So I didn't get enough sleep, and what I did get was very disrupted, so I am exhausted and feel like shit.

I have to go to a rehearsal tonight - again the last thing I feel like doing. I also only have a few days to sort hundreds of invoices and receipts into date order for my dad's tax return. At the moment my eyes are so blurry I don't think I could even make out the dates, and I will keep getting hassle from my parents until I do it. And then when they are in date order I have to help him enter them onto a spreadsheet. I could really do without all this at the moment. Unfortunately a couple of years ago I made a deal that I would do the accounts for him in return for them paying my mobile bill. I  now think that was a shit idea. For a start I am crap with money. I thought we had until April to do the taxes because that is when the tax year starts. Who knew it had to be done in January? Well, seemingly everyone apart from me, but that means I have now been left with the stress of having to get it all done in a few days. Tax doesn't have to be taxing? Bollocks!

I have this assessment appointment tomorrow. Don't really know what to think about it. It is only an assessment so it isn't going to change anything. I am feeling really exhausted and hopeless. My mum will be home from work soon. I should go downstairs and pretend I am filing these stupid bloody invoices, or I will get a bollocking when she arrives. Yesterday she said I was the most frustrating person imaginable because I was lying in bed in the dark in the afternoon. She clearly doesn't have a very good imagination.

Numb

Not feeling any better. Exhausted. Went to ballet and rehearsal. Felt like shit the whole time, as predicted. Desperately just want to give up, but I am trying really hard to just keep going for the next few days. I am seeing L in the morning. Don't know how I feel about it. Usually I look forward to seeing L, but I am just feeling nothing. Kind of numb. Can't explain it. Just empty. I feel like a zombie, just getting by on auto pilot. Don't want to be here. Have had enough. Three days to go. Then I can make a decision. My brain feels jumbled. Random words and song lyrics keep popping into it. I type decision and my brain starts singing 'It's your first big decision. The choice isn't easy to make'. That's from Into The Woods. Not relevant. Brain is just linking random things. Type another word and my head shoots off in another direction. Can't think in complete sentences. Brain is just too jumpy. Can't concentrate. Can't write. Can't make my head calm down enough to extract any thoughts. Feel horrible.

Decision

So I suppose today has been vaguely productive, even if I have felt shit. I showered. It is so weird the way you don't realise how disgusting you smell until you are clean. It's lucky I hadn't left the house since Monday. Something as simple as showering really shouldn't take so much effort and feel so difficult. People do it every day. I do it every day when I don't feel like this. I never find it difficult. Then full blown depression hits, and it suddenly seems like a completely pointless, and rather strange thing to do. So what if you stink and look like shit? It involves being out of bed for more than 5 minutes, and therefore absolutely is not worth the effort. In the end my mum tells me how revolting I am and makes me shower, and I then realise that I am indeed revolting, but still don't actually care. So anyway, I showered and washed my hair. I am sure that I must deserve a medal of some kind - I managed to do something that the rest of the population do daily without even thinking about. What an achievement.

I also had rehearsal. I managed to make myself rushed and slightly late by getting up too late, which was because it was 7:30am before I got to sleep, so I fairly naturally then didn't want to get up. I then spent half an hour persuading myself to get out of bed, then spent over an hour showering, throwing on the clothes from the top of the pile, and drying my hair for 3 minutes. Oh, and cleaning my teeth. I seem to do everything in slow motion at the moment - I am still trying to work out how those things took over an hour. I didn't spend time wondering what to wear - I just threw on some dance trousers and a top and cardigan that were conveniently at the top of the pile because they were what I wore last time I left the house. The cast probably think I only own one set of clothes.

Went to rehearsal. It wasn't quite as painful as last week, but I think only because I was there for an hour less. I still spent the whole time wanting to go home. Felt useless because I hadn't warmed up my voice properly (ie I had sung for about 5 minutes in the car on the way there) because I just couldn't be bothered, and so I sounded like shit. Typically the director wanted to listen to me sing my biggest solo for the first time. Never mind. Sung a bit more, pranced around a bit, said a few lines, had a few kisses, came home. I think I must have been functioning on auto pilot, and at least partially dissociating, because there are big chunks I don't remember, and one time I remember starting the number, and then realising we had finished, but not being aware of anything in the middle. My concentration is all over the place. I have to go to another rehearsal tomorrow night, after ballet. That is a full cast rehearsal, whereas today was just me, the male lead, the director/choreographer, and the musical director, so I need to try and be a bit more focused tomorrow or I will probably end up looking like a complete idiot. Again, I don't want to go, but it would fuck up the entire rehearsal if I wasn't there, so I don't have a choice.

I made a decision today. That sounds a bit monumental doesn't it? And it isn't, or not really anyway, given that I quite frequently change my mind. But I realised I have been a bit hypocritical lately, because I have been planning to kill myself, but allowing myself to forget something I have said to friends when they have been feeling suicidal. That I think suicide can be a valid option once you have tried all other options that are realistically open to you at that time, but not before then. On Thursday I have an assessment appointment with a Clinical Psychologist whom I have never met before. I have no idea if she would be able to help me, and to be honest at the moment I still feel like I would rather be dead regardless of whether I might start to feel better at some point, but it is something that is currently an option I haven't explored, and I think I would be very hypocritical if I were to ignore that, so I decided that however bad I feel I must at least keep going until then. Deciding not to kill myself within the next four days probably doesn't really sound like a very big deal, but it feels like it to me, because I am just feeling so terrible. So I need to really focus on getting through the next four days. After that I have no idea what will happen - I am not going to commit to anything further ahead than that, because that would feel impossible right now, but at least I am making the effort to go to the appointment and meet her etc. So I just have to get through tomorrow, when I will probably sleep the majority of the day, then have to go to dreaded ballet and rehearsal in the evening, then Tuesday I am seeing L, but I am not sure what I can do after that. My mum has a hospital appointment, but I find hospitals kind of triggering at the moment - they make me want to kill myself even more than I do usually. I suppose association of ideas. Anyway, then Wednesday will maybe be another sleeping day, and then I will have to go to another rehearsal. And then it will be Thursday and I will see the Psychologist. And that is as far as I am going to think or plan, because it gets too overwhelming after that. It all feels quite scary and difficult - even just thinking about being alive in four days time is hard, and I really wish I could get out of rehearsals and things, but realistically I can't without getting a lot of very awkward questions and inconveniencing a lot of people, and even if I could it wouldn't help really, because it is my head I need a break from, and I can't get that any more at home than I can out - it is just easier being at home because I don't have to hide behind a facade all of the time. I still desperately want out. I am exhausted. But I will stick to what I believe and at least go to the appointment on Thursday. Obviously I know nothing will change then, and that she won't be able to magic me better. But at least I will be going and meeting her, and getting an impression of what she is like. If I still want to kill myself after that then I think it is pretty much fair game - no big dates coming up for a few weeks, not too close to the show that I can't be replaced, no particular reason stopping me that I can think of. But I won't make a decision before Thursday, or I will try not to. I can't not see suicide as an option, because it is basically, but I am seeing it as an option I can explore after Thursday if I want to, not before. That's not something I can do long term, or keep doing time after time for various reasons, but I think I can do it for the next few days. I suspect this entire paragraph would make no sense to anyone but me, but I understand how my mind works. Or I do some of the time. Sometimes I find it utterly baffling.

Inside I'm screaming

Things aren't getting easier. I am still feeling really desperate, and really like I am going to fall off the edge of this cliff I am clinging on to by my finger nails. Tonight I made the decision to call the out of hours number. This is not something I usually do. I have called before, but I don't remember the last time, and I have called perhaps once in the last year. I find it really difficult to phone and say I am struggling - I even find it hard to call L when I am going through a bad time, as I just don't know what to say, and it is like my entire vocabulary disappears from my body apart from a few words like 'I'm not feeling very good' or something equally ridiculous and meaningless. But when I call and speak to L, I know the sort of thing she is likely to say, and it is safe - it doesn't feel scary, apart from my dislike of phoning anyone, and the knowledge that I won't be able to express how I am feeling. Calling the CMHT when she is not there is more difficult because I don't know who I will end up speaking to, and it makes me far more anxious, and so I have to be more desperate to do it. However, once I know who I am talking to, again I know what they are likely to say, and what I feel able to say as a result. For example if I end up speaking to my old, shit care coordinator, I know not to mention the word suicidal, even in passing, as I will be told to go to A&E. If it is one of the women I can say pretty much anything, and won't be told to do that, but they will almost certainly suggest I go for a walk or have a bath, and ask when I am next seeing L, and tell me to wait until then and talk to her about how I am feeling. Calling the out of hours number is a whole different situation, as I don't know anybody, or at least occasionally I have spoken to someone who has said they have talked to me before, but I never remember. So I find that a really difficult and scary thing to do, which is why I ring so rarely - I have to be really desperate to even consider it, and I have to feel right on the edge to actually call. I don't know what I expect them to say - I know they can't change how I feel, but a couple of times I have spoken to people who have been really helpful and understanding and who have helped me - other times it has been completely unhelpful, so it is pot luck really. Anyway tonight I decided I had reached that point and so called the number I have been given, which goes through to the local psych ward - you can't call the crisis team unless you have been referred to them, so if you phone out of hours you speak to one of the psych ward nurses. I rung and asked if there was somebody I could speak to, and she asked if I was a service user, and said I needed to phone the main hospital switchboard, who would put me through to the crisis team. So then I had to try and make myself make another phone call. Calling the crisis team is scarier than calling the ward for some reason. Anyway, I rung the main hospital switchboard and asked to be put through to the crisis team. She asked for me name and asked if I was a doctor or professional, and I said I was a service user. She said that they can't put service users through to the crisis team, only professionals, and that I needed to call the psych ward. I said that I had just done that and been told to call them. She sounded slightly confused and said she didn't know why, as they used to be able to put people through to the crisis team, but now they had to give people the number of the ward. She gave me the number, which was a different number again - I now have 3 numbers for the psych ward - there is the one on the trust website, the one I was given and told to use out of hours that I have called before, and now the one that I was given tonight. At this point I gave up. I couldn't face making another phone call, when I had already gone through the anxiety of calling the ward, to be told I needed to call the switchboard and put through to the crisis team, to be told I needed to call the ward, who would probably have given me yet another bloody number. So I just gave up. I am pretty unimpressed with the quality of the out of hours services in the trust though. Other people seem to just be able to call their crisis team out of hours. In fact, I could in the other trust I was under. It is frustrating that on an occasion when I am really struggling, and could really do with talking to someone, and I actually manage to pluck up the courage to ring, I can't actually get through to anyone. Ironically I received a Service User Questionnaire from the MH Trust in the post today. I may not be overly complimentary.

I don't seem to have been functioning very well the last couple of weeks, particularly this week. My personal hygiene is terrible - showering seems to have dropped to a once a week activity. I don't remember the last time I put any make up on, and I actually have to think quite hard to remember the last time I got dressed. It must have been Monday when I went to rehearsal, and of course I would have had to on Wednesday, but I didn't feel up to going. When I do have to leave the house it takes so much energy, and just feels so hard, that I can't even think about what I look like, and so I turn up to rehearsals looking a complete mess, in whatever clothes were at the top of the pile on my floor and with no make up on. I have to go to a rehearsal tomorrow afternoon and I am dreading it. I envisage it being a repeat of last Sunday, when I looked like shit (as my mother kindly pointed out, although not using that term), felt like shit, desperately wanted to go home, and was probably a nightmare to work with, as anything that anyone said just pissed me off. I tried to stay calm and professional, but inside I was feeling incredibly tense, and could just feel myself getting more and more irritated, and just wanted to collapse in the middle of the room and sob. Sometimes when I feel like this I just reach such a level of desperation that I just want to beg someone, anyone, random strangers in the street, to please help me somehow, to make it stop, to kill me, to make the pain go away, to help me find a way of having a break, anything. Of course I would never do it - I put on my happy face and pretend everything is fine, but inside I'm screaming.

This isn't living

I don't know what to say. I feel awful. My sleep last night was as bad as ever. I woke up to a text from the director of the show saying she wanted to rehearse Sunday afternoon again, which immediately filled me with dread. I hate feeling like this about the one thing I have always cared about more than anything. I perform because I love it, because I am passionate about it, because it is the only thing I have ever wanted to do. And yet I have the lead part in a brilliant show, and I actually dread going to rehearsals, and spend the entire time desperately wishing I could go home.

I feel like I have reached a point where I just can't keep going on like this. It is too hard, and I need a reason other than other people to get me through, and there just isn't one. I sometimes wish that I didn't care about other people's feelings as much as I do. I feel like it constantly means that I am left feeling like shit, and like my feelings don't matter, because I don't want to hurt people, or because people make comments about suicide being selfish etc. But how do you weigh up the pain of one person against the pain of another? The people saying suicide is selfish aren't the ones who have to live with these feelings of complete desperation every single day. I feel like to get through this I really need a lot more help than I have at the moment, but I also know that isn't going to happen. I also have severe doubts as to whether anything would actually help. I feel like I am past the point where having a little chat about how shit I feel will change anything, and certainly having a bath or going for a walk or any of the other patronising bollocks that mental health professionals are so fond of suggesting will not make a scrap of difference. Having said that, I did try to call L yesterday, as I mentioned, and I also sent her an email during the night last night asking if she could call me today, but she didn't. Maybe she wasn't in work, or maybe she didn't have time, or maybe she just didn't want to listen to me whine about how shitty I feel, which would be entirely understandable. As I said, I don't actually think it would help anyway - I just always feel an obligation to at least mention to a professional if I am feeling seriously suicidal, so that I feel like I have made an effort. Of course I know they will do nothing about it, but there is nothing I can do about that. I don't know. On the one hand I feel like I really need support to get through this, but short of locking me up nothing would stop me if I decided to do sosmething, therefore it is pointless to even attempt to get help, and on the other hand, I don't even know if I want to get through it. I feel like I have had enough. This has been going on for too long, and I have had enough of feeling this terrible all of the time. And now things are at a point where I just absolutely do not want to see anyone or go anywhere, and I would do virtually anything to get out of doing the only thing I have ever cared about. This isn't living. It may be surviving, but it isn't living, and what is the point of surviving when you have no quality of life?

Dying with clean hair

I stayed home tonight. I decided I just couldn't face going out. My mum was slightly unhelpful as I said that I was thinking of saying I was ill and couldn't go, and she said I couldn't do that because I wasn't actually ill, 'only in the head'. That helped. But I decided to ignore that. I didn't have to make an excuse for ballet, as my teacher knows that I generally won't be there on Wednesdays because of show rehearsals, so that just left the rehearsal. I sent a text to the director saying that I wasn't feeling well and so wouldn't be going to ballet, but that I would go to the rehearsal if she needed me, but that I obviously wasn't feeling great, and she replied saying not to worry. That meant that I felt ok about missing rehearsal, as I had offered to go if required, but said that I wasn't feeling well, which was pretty much the truth, and I was just hoping that she would reply in the way she did.

I am feeling shit about my weight. I gained a little this week, which I always find really difficult. Because I am feeling so terrible I am finding myself comfort eating, which is fine at the time, but not remotely comforting afterwards, as I feel extremely guilty, and then of course when I weigh myself I gain weight and feel shit about myself, which makes me feel even worse, and so the cycle goes ok. It is strange, when my depression gets really bad I either lose interest in food altogether and just don't get hungry at all, or I just want to comfort eat. Not out of hunger I suppose - I just feel like I have to do something to make me feel better, and eating cake seems like a good idea at the time. There is also a part of my brain that tells me I may as well eat what I like, as I will be dead soon, and it doesn't matter what I weigh then, whilst another part of me tells me that I must lose weight, as I can't die fat. I am assume that is somehow linked to the part of me that tells me I can't die with dirty hair.... I have no idea what that is about, but even if I am really depressed, to the point where I am really struggling to move, I have to wash my hair if I am planning to kill myself that day. You would think that would be about the least relevant thing possible, but for some reason it seems important, and I suppose dying thin is somehow related to that.

My sleep is still terrible. I seem to be permanently exhausted, and yet unable to sleep until at least 6am, regardless of what I have been doing that day, what time I woke up, and how much sleep I got the night before.

I am really finding everything very overwhelming. I am feeling so low, and then when that is combined with my dreadful sleep, and my complete inability to concentrate on anything, it makes the days feel incredibly long, and very difficult to get through. I have tried to think of reasons to live, things to keep going for, but I can't think of anything for myself. There is always the thing of not hurting others, but there is surely a limit to how many years you can be expected to go on feeling cripplingly low for the sake of other people? And I cannot think of a single reason to live for myself. Sometimes when I am feeling really bad I am able to cope by setting myself days, for example when I have an appointment or something - I suppose the hope that talking to someone might change things or help in some way helps me to get through, but I don't even have that at the moment. I am due to see L next Tuesday, but I can't see it as something to aim for, because I know it won't change anything. There is literally nothing that I can use as a motivator to keep going. I feel terrible.

Sickie?

I am supposed to be going to ballet and rehearsal tonight, but I am exhausted and feel like crap, so I am considering pulling a sickie. Ordinarily I wouldn't, but I don't think I will actually be needed very much at the rehearsal if they are doing what the schedule says, and missing ballet wouldn't be the end of the world.... I just really don't want to have to go out and be sociable. I went on Sunday and Monday and just felt hideous the whole time, and was desperate to be back at home, and just felt so horrible, and I don't know if I can cope with that again tonight. I am feeling really low. I tried calling L earlier, but she must have been doing a half day or something as they said she had left for today. I don't know what to do with myself. I just don't know how to cope with feeling this low.

A mess

I am really struggling. The rehearsal yesterday was possibly even more hideous than I anticipated. I felt like complete shit the entire time, hated every second of it, and desperately just wanted to be at home. As a result I was probably hideous to work with. And I have to do it all again tonight, except for 3 hours, and with an hour of ballet first. I am feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed by everything, the last thing I want to do is go out for 4 hours tonight, plus over an hour travelling. The suicidal thoughts are incredibly strong and powerful and I don't know how to fight them. At the moment lack of opportunity is stopping me, but I don't know how long that will apply. Although I am possibly too exhausted to do anything, I'm not sure. Certainly my brain doesn't seem able to think very clearly. I just feel a complete mess. I got more sleep last night, but am still absolutely exhausted. I also made the mistake earlier of looking in a mirror, and I do actually look as shit as I feel. My eyes have turned into these tiny little half open things, with enormous black rings underneath them, and I just look awful. Both parents have pointed out the black rings multiple times over the last couple of days, so I am definitely not imagining them or exaggerating how bad they are - I apparently look awful. When I was on my way to rehearsal yesterday my mum suggested I put some eye make up on. I asked why, and she said it might make me look a bit better as I looked exhausted, and maybe some mascara would make my eyes look like they were open. She definitely had a point, but I didn't have the energy, and I don't today either. I can't fucking cope like this. I meant to write a post over the weekend for One Month Before Heartbreak, but my brain is too jumbled to write anything to do it justice.

Too much

My hopes that the rehearsal tomorrow wouldn't happen have not come to fruition unfortunately. I have to spend two and a half hours tomorrow afternoon rehearsing. I would do almost anything to get out of going, but I can't. I am really feeling like I can't face things at the moment. Not tomorrow in particular, just generally. Obviously tomorrow I have this rehearsal. Monday I have a ballet class and another rehearsal. Tuesday I am supposed to be meeting a friend in London, which I could cancel, but I had to cancel on her last time we were due to meet, and I also have been in need of some new pointe shoes for ages, so I have to go to London at some point, but keep putting it off due to stress. So I am undecided about that as yet. Wednesday I have another rehearsal. Thursday I have another rehearsal. I just can't face it all - it is too much.

The suicidal thoughts are really strong. Everything feels like too much, and I just can't cope with it, and that seems like the way out. In fact, it feels like the only way out. I have had enough. I have been struggling with all of this for seven and a half years now, or at least that was when I first sought help for it, which may not be that long by some people's standards, but it is nearly a third of my life, and has been all of my adult life. Perhaps if I believed that things could change, or that it would get easier, then I would find the ability to keep fighting and get through it, but I see absolutely no indication that I am likely to feel any different in the foreseeable future, and even if I did, I don't feel like it would be worth the pain that I have to go through every day at the moment. Nothing could be worth that.

My nephew and niece are staying the night tonight. Children are so loud. They are nice children, but I can't cope with being around them for too long - it is just too much. Everything is too much at the moment though. Not getting enough sleep isn't helping matters, but the worse I feel, the later I get to sleep, and I don't know how to break that cycle. I have felt like a complete zombie today - I find that if I take Zopiclone and then don't get enough sleep then I feel like utter shit the next day. I am debating whether or not to take it tonight - if it makes me sleep that would be really helpful, since I can't sleep for half the afternoon because of having to go to the rehearsal, but on the other hand if I take it and then am still awake at 6am, then that will make me feel even worse tomorrow. I wish so much that I didn't have to go anywhere - I was really getting my hopes up, but no such luck. I can't keep going like this.

How can you explain it?

Sleep still isn't impressive. Last night, or rather this morning, or I suppose technically speaking yesterday morning, I finally got to sleep at about 7:30am. It is now 5am, and I have had 10mg Diazepam and 7.5mg Zopiclone and I am not feeling remotely sleepy. I am not sure what to do. I know that it is because of my mood, and if I started to feel better then my sleep would improve, but I also know it is a vicious cycle, and sleeping in this pattern, and not getting enough sleep generally is going to make my mood even worse. I have absolutely no idea how to break the pattern though - the time I get up and what I do during the day don't seem to impact on the time I am able to sleep when I am feeling like this. Medication doesn't seem to be helping. I suppose I will just have to put up with it.

My parents both knew what time I got to sleep last night, as I was still awake when they got up, so my mum didn't wake me up like she often does. I still didn't sleep terribly well, or get as much sleep as I would have liked really. My dad said to me this evening that I had massive black circles under my eyes and looked really rough. I said that I was tired, and he said why don't I sleep at night then. I said that I am not sleepy. I am tired, but not sleepy. He asked why and I said I didn't know. He asked why I was feeling bad and I said I didn't know. He asked if I was thinking any bad, silly thoughts (his phrase) and I laughed. He does occasionally try to talk to me about how I am feeling, but he can never ask if I am having thoughts about suicide, or even self harm - he will say things like bad thoughts, or silly thoughts, or evil thoughts. Not evil as in thinking I was evil for having them, he just seems to think that the suicidal thoughts are evil, which they are I suppose, for making me feel so bad. I said I was just tired. How can you explain to someone that you don't remember the last day when you didn't think what they consider to be evil thoughts? That you don't remember the last time that given the choice you would pick life over death. That you have thoughts of wishing bad things would happen to the people who care about you so that you can kill yourself without upsetting people. Those are what I consider evil thoughts. I hate myself for thinking them. But I am that desperate to die. How are you supposed to explain that?

Overall my mood is really quite low. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. It takes real effort to get out of bed to go to the toilet or something. My personal hygiene has become non existent. It is now the early hours of Saturday, and I haven't showered since Sunday. Whilst I can appreciate that is disgusting, it just seems like a much bigger thing than I am capable of doing. I am absolutely dreading this rehearsal on Sunday. I am desperately hoping it won't happen, as I am yet to hear about a time and venue for it, but I am fairly sure that unfortunately it will happen. I don't know how I will manage that. I suppose I will just have to turn up and hope for the best. The only good thing about it is that it isn't a full cast rehearsal - it is just the male lead and I, and then the director/choreographer and the musical director. So hopefully I won't have to make too much small talk. I am just really desperately hoping they decide not to rehearse Sunday after all. I am going to try and shower tomorrow. Well, today actually since it is 5:20am. I feel like such a mess. Is this living? Feeling terrible, wanting to die, unable to do anything, not wanting to talk to people, not wanting to see people, not caring about anything, not enjoying anything, having no motivation, not looking forward to anything, losing your ambitions and hopes and the things that mattered to you. I wonder if people would be so anti suicide if they had experienced feeling like that. Although obviously of course I hope very strongly that my friends who have mental health problems are able to keep going, I do understand that sometimes the pain of trying to live like that, with no pleasure or interest in anything, and constant thoughts of suicide wearing them down, means that people just can't keep going anymore, and I don't judge that. I can't judge that - I have attempted suicide twice in the past, so it would be hypocritical to judge others for doing the same but succeeding.

I had had another Zopiclone when I started writing this, so I am hoping that 2 Diazepam and 2 Zopiclone will be enough to send me off to sleep - let's give it a go. Shame it is already 5:30, but I took the Diazepam about three ago hours ago, and the Zopiclone two hours ago, so it isn't like I didn't try to sleep earlier. Let's hope it all works and I am not still awake in two hours time. I think it has to - surely my body can't withstand 20mg Diazepam and 15mg Zopiclone?!

'I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living.
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.'
- I Dreamed a Dream, Les Miserables

Is hibernation an option?

I am having one of those days where I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear. I feel like shit and I don't want to have to see anyone or go anywhere ever again. I am supposed to go to a ballet class tonight, which is more or less the last thing I feel like doing. Actually anything thing involves leaving my bedroom and/or seeing people is. I could skip the class, but my teacher is already pissed off with me, because the show I am doing has meant that I can only do one ballet class a week usually instead of two, and she is not at all happy about that. This week is the only week in the foreseeable future (I don't want to foresee a fucking future) where I can make both classes, and that is because at the rehearsal tonight they are rehearsing a chorus number that I am not in. So I told her on Monday that I could make the class tonight, and got a lecture on why did I audition for a show that would mean I couldn't do both classes every week. But since I am already unpopular for that, I don't feel able to not go tonight when I have already said I would be able to go because I don't have a rehearsal. But I really don't want to go at all. And then the director of the show rung and said she wants to rehearse for three hours on Sunday, probably somewhere that is a 36 mile drive from where I live. Fantastic. I feel really fucking overwhelmed at the moment. I do not want to leave the house. I don't want to go to ballet tonight. I don't want to go to rehearsal on Sunday. I don't want anything. I just don't want to exist.

I am also really bloody pissed off with Sony. It has been established that it is a hardware problem, and therefore needs repairing. My warranty only covers collect and repair, which means being without my new laptop for 5 - 10 working days, so 1 - 2 weeks. I think that is completely unacceptable and want them to send out a technician - I don't give a flying fuck what my warranty is - their product had a serious fault within 2 days of me receiving it and that is not acceptable. It is not difficult to replace a touchpad - it would take them about 15 minutes I should think. So I am fighting that one, but having trouble getting hold of anyone who actually has any bloody authority. I have been told someone will call me back, but I am not holding my breath.

I feel so shit. I am having one of those days where I feel like smiling would hurt - it is too painful. I don't even feel capable of putting up my usual facade. I just want to curl up and die. Or hibernate. I don't care as long as it stops me feeling like this. Instead I have to pretend everything is ok and go off to a ballet class.