What to do

I don't know what to do with myself. I can't concentrate on anything, I can't distract myself. L is off this week. I don't trust anyone else. I am due to see N tomorrow, but I know that if I am honest with her about how I am feeling I will end up being sent to A&E to be assessed. She is just a support worker so would have to speak to one of the other CPNs or SWs and I know what the result of that would be.

I had a weird dream last night. It was today and N was coming, and my mum had gone away (as she has) and N arrived but I was still asleep, and I looked out the window and saw her car, so I tried to go down to the door but I got lost and there was loads of stuff blocking my way, and I couldn't find the door, and then I saw her driving off. I kept trying to get hold of her but I couldn't. The night before last I dreamt I was in hospital, and for some reason I was supposed to be on a meal plan, but I thought it was too much food, so I wanted to speak to the dietican, but then they just kept forgetting to give me any food at all, so I just kept quiet. I don't know why I am having these random dreams. I am not sleeping too well. Lots of dreams about suicide with all different endings. Sometimes I die, and sometimes I end up in a psych ward, and sometimes medical ward. In reality I don't know what will happen.

Sleep

I am getting really pissed off with my sleep. Or rather my inability to sleep at a reasonable time. The last 2 nights, it has been after 6:30am when I have finally got to sleep. I don't know why I can't sleep earlier - I can be completely exhausted and unable to keep my eyes open, but yet I just cannot get to sleep. Cue lots of stress and bad thoughts. I am spending the nights alternating between trying to sleep, and trying to read or do something else until my eyes get to the point where they won't stay open again, at which point I attempt to sleep again, and so it goes on.

I had a really bizarre dream last night. I had taken an overdose and been taken to hospital, and was unconscious, and when I woke up again I asked a nurse what day it was, and she told me, but it was 3 years later, and I had been unconscious for 3 years. So everyone else was 3 years further on in their lives, but to me it still felt like the same time it had when I had taken the overdose, so it was all very confusing. I left the hospital, and when I was at home I went to log onto Facebook to see what people had been up to in the last 3 years. But Facebook had shut down - it had been sued or something. It was all very weird!