DWP and friendship

I meant to blog earlier, but I didn't know what to say. I feel like I have said it all. Multiple times in fact. I think everyone has grasped that I feel like shit and want to die. For anyone new, or who hasn't picked up on the situation, that is it. I mostly write as a way of trying to get all of the thoughts out of my head, but they don't appear to be going anywhere even when I do write, so it seems quite pointless from that point of view, and I am just really lacking motivation. There are a couple of specific things I wanted to write about though, so I will try and write about those, rather than just generally rambling.

I got a letter yesterday, which stressed me out. From the DWP, wouldn't you know? It says, and I quote (anything in red is an addition by me),

'Dear Bippidee (of course addressed to my real name, or it would just be weird)

We need to see you in order to discuss the benefits we are currently paying you because a query has arisen on your claim. What the fuck?! We need to ensure your payments are correct and it is important that you are available so we can discuss the matter further. What matter? I see no matter to discuss. Please fuck off and leave me alone.

You should note that where there is doubt about whether the conditions for entitlement are met, we can suspend payment of your benefit. Thanks. Please fuck off, again.

A Customer Compliance Officer, Mr Nosy Fuckwit (not real name) will be calling on Thursday, 24 February 2011 between the times of 9:30AM and 3:30PM. Please note we will not be able to state a specific time. Helpful. Thanks for that.

Some irrelevant crap like stuff they want to see, none of which I know where to find etc etc.

Yours sincerely
Mr Nosy Fuckwit
Customer Compliance Officer'

This fairly naturally sent me into a complete tailspin. Firstly, what on earth is there to query about my benefits?! The only thing I am claiming is old Incapacity, although due to lack of NI contributions it has always been paid as Income Support with illness/disability premium. I live at home with my parents, which they know, I have some savings that are within permitted amounts, which they know, I don't work, I am not going out partying every day and claiming under false pretences. I don't claim Housing/Council Tax benefit as I live with my parents. I am not even claiming DLA, which I have been told by multiple people I am eligible for. So what is there to discuss? What can possibly have been queried? I asked on Twitter yesterday, and also did some Google research, and it seems like they are essentially the overspill of the fraud department, and are generally sent around when someone has said you are making a fraudulent claim, or if they suspect you are living with a partner and have claimed you are living alone etc etc. A few people have said they occasionally make random checks, but I would seem a bad person to make a random check on, given that my claim is so straightforward to most people's - I claim one benefit. I am not at all happy about them sending a man around to my house. I don't want some strange man in my house making accusations that I am a benefit fraud. I don't want some strange man in my house full stop. And them not being able to give a time is completely shit. I wasn't planning to go anywhere, but it is very rare at the moment that I get to sleep before 6am. I will have to be awake by 9:15am in case they do come in the morning. And then what if they don't come until 3pm. I am meant to stay awake all day having probably had 2 or 3 hours sleep, waiting for them? That won't happen. And what if I wanted to arrange for someone to be here with me for support - are they supposed to stay for six hours?? It seems totally unreasonable. I tried phoning the number on the letter that it says to contact immediately if you are unavailable etc to a) find out what the hell it is about, and b) try to pin them down to a more precise time, for example morning or afternoon, but I got no reply. And it didn't even go to answerphone. This stress was absolutely the last thing that I needed right now with how I was feeling. It actually made me even more determined to kill myself before then so I didn't have to deal with it. I don't know where my driving licence or passport are, I have no utility bills, I have no rent agreement - all of which they want to see. I have a bank statement. But I have two bank accounts and only have a statement for one of them. They will hate me. I just really didn't need this stress. I know I have done nothing wrong and so I have nothing to be worried about, but my experience with the DWP has shown me that you have to be worried even if you haven't done anything wrong, as they will treat you like a criminal regardless. Fuckwits.

Right, onto a nicer subject. Today the most beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived for me. It was from La Reve and I can't say how much it meant to me that she had done that for me. It was completely unexpected, and nearly made me cry. I can't believe that someone whom I have never met, and have only known a relatively short time, would want to do something so sweet and generous for me. The madosphere is a wonderful reminder of how many fabulous people there are out there, who really do care for others, and will do things to try and help. She knew she couldn't stop me feeling like this, but she showed me she cared, and that meant so much. And does every time I get a supportive comment or email or tweet. It reminds me that people care, which is a really big deal when you don't feel you are getting any care from the professionals, whose job it is to care. There will always be people who say it is a bad idea to talk to people you have met on the Internet, that you don't know who they are, that you should never meet anyone you meet online, that talking to other people with mental health problems is a bad idea etc etc, but I have never found any of this to be remotely true. I started meeting up with people I met online, on theatre and dance messageboards, when I was 16, and have since met others from all sorts of sites, and whilst I haven't kept in touch with everyone I have met from the Internet, I have met some of my closest friends online, and I can quite honestly say that I think it would be very unlikely that I would still be alive if it weren't for people I have met online - both those in person, and those who have supported me on here. The support is absolutely invaluable, and I wish more people would realise how wonderfully supportive the Internet can be. Here is a picture of my beautiful flowers;

Just stop

It is 5:15am and I am not remotely sleepy, and am feeling very tense, despite taking 10mg Diazepam. The suicidal thoughts are really in full swing, and although I am not intending to act on them tonight, it doesn't make them any weaker or easier to cope with. I think I might have to have another Diazepam, as when I feel like this my thoughts just go into overdrive and I have absolutely no chance of sleeping.

I am feeling so alone. I know I have support online, and I am truly grateful for that, but in real life I have absolutely nothing, and it is hard. Actually it is much worse than hard. I desperately feel like I need some support, but there is nowhere to turn. My GP works Wednesdays, but there is no point contacting her, as I have grasped exactly what she thinks from my mum speaking to her last week, and she has certainly been turned against me. I could phone and speak to whoever is on duty at the CMHT, but a) I don't trust that it won't be a fuckwit on duty, as there are several of them, b) they will all be against me too, and c) they will either suggest going for a walk, having a bath, or listening to music, and none of those are remotely helpful suggestions at the moment. I always find walking very anxiety provoking - I am always paranoid that someone is following me, and it really does scare me. I find baths the opposite of relaxing. I hate just lying there with my thoughts. I don't see how that is supposed to be relaxing or helpful. And I usually love music, but as I have explained on here before, I find it really difficult to listen to at the moment unless there is a particular song I need to hear - otherwise it just sounds like irritating noise that is drilling through my head, even if it is a CD I usually love. The TV is similar - I get a headache within about 5 minutes of turning it on as it just overwhelms me. And I can't concentrate to read. So essentially, anything they might suggest I do is useless, and therefore I am fucked.

I miss L. I know that sounds weird, given that she has been turned against me, and hasn't done anything to help me lately, but I do. I guess that is why attachment issues are such a bitch. Even when you know someone isn't helping, you can't get over them. I was thinking about it, and actually I don't think things have ever been quite the same with her since that time in November when I felt very let down by her. Things did get back on track and feel ok after that, but I suppose I never had quite the same level of trust in her following that, and now I feel like she doesn't care about me at all and doesn't care what happens to me, as she just left me with an appointment for a fortnight's time when she knew how awful I was feeling. And yet I still miss her. That is wrong, and it pisses me off. I am angry with myself for wanting to talk to her. I don't want to miss her. I want to be angry with her. But every time I am feeling desperate I just get this overwhelming desire to talk to her. And yet last Thursday and Friday when she was in work, and I could have rung her, I didn't because I was just too upset. I feel really confused about the whole thing. I suppose it is a bit like the situation with my mum. I still feel like she has been turned against me where my mental health is concerned, but I still love her despite that. I feel let down by her, and I feel like she either doesn't believe me, or doesn't care about me any more, in much the same way I feel about L, but she is still my mum, and I still love her. I just have to accept that I can't rely on her for support. And I suppose it would be the same with L, except our whole relationship is based on support, as that is why she is there, which makes it much more awkward, But of the CMHT she is still the only person I want to talk to. I feel lost and alone and desperate, and like the people I have relied on and trusted the most are no longer there for me. I really feel like I can't cope.

I have rehearsal again tonight. It is going to be a long one, as I have to get there an hour early to work on my solos with the musical director, and then I have the normal rehearsal, so I will be there from 6:30 until at least 10, possibly 10:30. It's all too much. I want to scream and shout and cry but I don't think that would be appreciated by my parents or my neighbours given that it is 5:30am. I just can't cope. I want out. I want to make everything stop. Just stop. Why isn't it getting any easier? Surely it should be getting easier. And it isn't. It just gets harder and harder. I don't believe that these thoughts and feelings are going to go away without me acting on them. It is too intense. And it feels like the right thing to do. I don't want to wait for them to pass. I just want to make it all stop.

Isolating

Today has been yet another difficult day. I am finding I am wanting to cut myself off from people - I think that not trusting the professionals or my parents is making me suspicious of everyone, even the people I talk to online, who I know are always supportive of me. So I haven't spent much time online today. I came online earlier and tried to read a few blogs, and I sat and watched Twitter for a while, but couldn't say anything. Everything feels very overwhelming. I seem to be spending more and more time staring into space and not being able to do anything, because even the internet is starting to feel like too much, and I found that ok until the last couple of days, as it didn't make any noise and didn't involve any concentration. But now I find it gives me a headache. I am absolutely dreading rehearsal later. I am terrified. I am scared of leaving the house. I am scared of being around people. I am scared of having to interact and pretend to be ok. At rehearsal last Wednesday I was told by about five people that I looked ill or pale and was I ok. Since I had missed the Monday rehearsal by saying I had a stomach bug, I told them I still wasn't feeling too great. I can't do that again tomorrow, but when I am feeling this bad my ability to pretend to be fine seems to leave me. I can do it all of the time, and not being able to is really a sign of things being rock bottom for me. I have to go to ballet too, and the same applies, although at least there is less time for socialising there, and I can get by better on auto pilot there, as I know the syllabus so well. Ok, I may not be dancing it as well as I could, but I can get by without drawing too much attention to myself. When I am at rehearsal and learning choreography or singing a song I don't know particularly well, or being told my blocking for a scene, I have to concentrate more, and I can't concentrate at the moment. I am finding it a lot of pressure at the moment.

Plus it is my mum's birthday. Since I never know what date it is, I didn't realise how soon her birthday was until the middle of last week, so I haven't got her much in the way of a present. I feel like a shit daughter. I made a cake today, although I cheated and used a packet mix, as they always turn out so perfect, and later I need to make icing and decorate it. We won't have long at home - we only have about 45 minutes on a Monday between her getting home from work, and having to leave for ballet. I had planned to have the cake all done for then and give her the little present I do have for her and her card, but she said tonight that my sister is coming over. This is my sister who hasn't spoken to me since October and does a bloody good job at ignoring me completely if she is unfortunate enough to see me somewhere, for example when we were both singing soprano in the same carol concert at Christmas and therefore saw each other at rehearsal every week. I made effort with her, and none of it was reciprocated, so I have had enough of her - I have no desire to have anything to do with her, and I am pissed off that she is coming over in the only time we have at home tomorrow. I can't face seeing her when I am feeling this shit, as even when we were speaking she always seemed to go out of her way to make me feel like crap, so I will just have to stay upstairs whilst she is here and not give my mum her present or card or cake. I love my mum, despite what they have done to her in turning her against me. I just need to remember there is no point in speaking to her about my feelings as she has been indoctrinated by them.

I can't wait for today or tomorrow or whatever it is to be over. I am confused about days and times. Since it is 4:45 in the morning it is technically tomorrow, but since I haven't slept yet I am still thinking of it as Sunday. Just need to try and get through the day the best that I can, however much I don't want to. I wish so much I didn't have rehearsal and could stay home though. I really am panicking about that. I wish I was feeling better. If anything it still seems to be getting worse, and a week ago I would have said that was impossible. But things just seem to be harder and harder. I really want to die. The thought that they expect me to cope for over a week more by myself before I see anyone is laughable.

Crisis team visit - 2

I feel like today has gone completely wrong and I am feeling really hopeless. I was told yesterday that the crisis team would call today at about 10 - 10:30am, and then probably come out to see me again. I left my phone on vibrate so that it would wake me up, and didn't bother setting an alarm because I knew that would wake me as it always does. I had said to my mum last night that I didn't feel comfortable talking to people when they were in the house so could they go to see my sister or something, and she said that was fine, but how would they know what time to go, and I said that the crisis team would be calling in the morning and so I would know what time they were coming then. That was the plan. And then I was going to try and tell them how bad things were.

I woke up to my phone ringing at 1pm, and it was a woman from the crisis team asking if I could tell them how to find me. I was thoroughly confused, as I hadn't had the morning phone call as planned. I assumed they needed vague directions, but when I asked where they were it turned out they were actually already outside the house - they just didn't know which house it was, as we like to confuse people by not having a name or number or anything on display. So that threw me into a complete tail spin, as their phone call had woken me up, as yet again it had been about 6am before I got to sleep, and obviously my parents were home as we hadn't had any warning, and I didn't even have time to do things like go to the toilet, so I was feeling really flustered and confused.

My mum came upstairs to do housework and was hoovering etc, so I didn't feel uncomfortable with her being there really, but my dad was downstairs, painting in a room virtually adjoining where I was sitting with the crisis team, he had very good hearing, and the man from the crisis team spoke very loudly and had an irritating habit of repeating everything I said. To be honest the whole thing was a complete fiasco. I felt paranoid that my dad would be listening in and so felt extremely uncomfortable, I was confused about why they had suddenly turned up without calling first like they were supposed to, and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to be honest with them because I was feeling so tense and anxious. To make matters worse they knew absolutely nothing about me, and had never even seen my notes - the reason they had randomly arrived was because they were out this way seeing someone else who was only about 15 minutes away, and so decided to come straight on and see me. I still don't understand a) why nobody called this morning, and b) why they couldn't have called when they were 15 minutes away so that I would have had at least had a tiny bit of advance warning. So they literally knew absolutely nothing about me, my history, when I was referred to them, why I was referred to them, how long I had been under mental health services, what my diagnosis was - nothing. I know I complained yesterday about the crisis team not reading your notes properly, but this was a whole new level - they had to ask things like how old I was, and when had I been referred to them. I said I had been referred Friday by my GP, and they asked why he (she's a she but I didn't bother correcting them) had referred me - was it because I was feeling low, and I said it was because of suicidal thoughts, which he loudly repeated, which really set off my paranoia. He asked if the feelings had changed and I said no. I think it was at this point they told me they knew nothing about me and started asking things like how old was I, and did I work, and what had I done education wise etc, and how long had I been involved with mental health services for, and why I was originally referred, and about previous suicide attempts and hospital admissions etc. They were also in agreement with the people that I saw yesterday in that I should see a psychiatrist, they said urgently, and that they would speak to their team psychiatrist tomorrow, and I would either see them or Dr E as soon as possible. I don't know if I will have any more visits from the crisis team, because they said they would speak to L tomorrow, and I am guessing she will probably not be too keen on me seeing them. He asked if I felt able to keep myself safe today and I just kind of shrugged. Saying yes would have been a lie, but I didn't feel able to say no when I was feeling so paranoid with my parents being in the house etc. He asked if I would be able to call them if things really reached crisis point, and I once again explained that no I wouldn't, because if things were any worse then I wouldn't want help. He asked if it would be ok if someone called me this evening, and would I be able to tell them if I was feeling worse, and I said that would be ok.

I am feeling really confused. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should wait for the call this evening and try and tell them how desperate I am, or whether I should call them before then, or whether I actually don't really want to speak to anyone or want any help. I am frustrated with the way today turned out. I just felt so uncomfortable and I really had intended to try and be really blunt about how I was feeling, and I just couldn't, and now I feel really hopeless and just don't know what to do. I wish they had bloody called this morning like they had arranged to do rather than just turning up with no notice.

Weather and Christmas

Lots of pretty snow. It started snowing yesterday afternoon and snowed all afternoon and evening, so we ended up with a good 6 inches of snow, which is the first proper snowfall we have had this winter - when everyone else had shit loads a few weeks ago we just had a tiny covering. Very pretty. Not so great from the practical point of view.

Firstly, our poor Christmas tree, which was supposed to be put up this weekend, was standing outside when it started snowing, and so got covered with 6 inches of snow, along with everything else. Therefore it couldn't come inside, or the snow would have then melted and flooded the lounge, which would have been somewhat inconvenient. Then there is the added problem that it needs potting, which involves needing soil, and the ground being a) frozen solid, rock hard, inpenetrable, and b) also being covered with 6 inches of snow. Not entirely sure what the plan is. Can shake most of the snow off the tree, but it doesn't help the problem of having nothing to plant it in of course.

I had a carol concert tonight. I wasn't sure if we would be able to get there or not. The roads had been gritted, but unsurprisingly grit isn't terribly effective on top of lots of snow - I think they are meant to put it down before it starts snowing, or when there is a tiny bit, rather than when it has finished snowing and it is laying thick everywhere. So the roads are a nightmare. In the end we decided to go, but had to drive very slowly the whole way, and there was a bit of skidding at times. The concert was fine. The majority of both the band and choir had managed to make it, which was pretty impressive given how many of us live in the middle of nowhere, with terrible roads, and therefore had a nightmare getting there, although one person did point out that we must all be completely mad to have bothered. My sister is still doing a wonderful job of ignoring me - in a way it is quite impressive that we could both sing Soprano in the same choir, and her not speak to me at all during rehearsals or the concert. I have made some effort several times, but she certainly is not reciprocating, so there is very little I can do about it. I just find it quite astounding how immature she can be.

Audience numbers at the concert were down on other years, which was to be expected, but there were still probably 250 people or so I would guesstimate, so not bad given the conditions. Carols were fine - sore throat and snotty nose weren't really helping, but it was fine - the throat is getting better, and although I obviously could have sung better I think it was fine. And nobody would have known if it wasn't actually - the joys of singing in a choir rather than as a soloist! It was bloody freezing though. A blouse and skirt just are not very warm, and the church wasn't very warm, I suppose because there was about half the number of people there would usually be, so I felt like a snowman by the end of it. Then had the fun of the journey home again.

We were supposed to be going Christmas shopping tomorrow but I think realistically that isn't going to happen - it is a good 45 minute drive to where we were going, which would take much longer with the roads as they are, and it isn't meant to get above -3, and is supposed to be foggy too, so I think it would just be dangerous to try and travel that far. We will go on Tuesday or Wednesday, although Tuesday could be difficult because I am seeing L at 11, and I think after that would be getting a bit late to go off shopping, so it will probably have to be Wedneday. Which is leaving it a little close for comfort, but never mind! The weather is so frustrating - I wish it had stayed dry this week, and then just snowed loads on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - that would have been so pretty, and wouldn't have caused any inconvenience. We could have just made a snowman. As it is I think it is going to melt before then and we will just end up with nasty slush everywhere. Yuck. Wrong timing by 1 week unfortunately.

I am not feeling too stressed about Christmas, but I am about New Year. I am trying not to think about it, because I get really upset and panicky when I do. I just absolutely do not want it to happen at all, under any circumstances. I just don't. I really feel at the moment like I can't cope with it. It is just too overwhelming and stressful. As soon as I hear the words or think about it at all, I get this sudden mad rush of totally overwhelming thoughts. I genuinely have absolutely no idea how I will get through it right now - I might try and knock myself out early in the night and just sleep through it, but then I will still have to wake up and it will be 2011, and that is just so unbelievably shit. I need to freeze time or rewind time or erase myself or something. Very anxious, very stressed, very desperate.

Performing

There are a lot of negatives about performing. How competitive it is. How bitchy people can be. How you are constantly being judged. The rejection. The comparisons. Lots of things. It can be a very negative industry at times, which can be very stressful, and where you can feel very alone. But yesterday I was also reminded of how many positives there are, and what a wonderful business it can be. As you know, I was singing in a concert last night. It was a charity concert, starring a well known performer, and I was one of a number of other soloists, most of whom are professionals. I felt very lucky to not only be performing alongside such a fantastically talented and successful performer, but one who was so generous and giving, and such a lovely person. I had met her before a couple of times last year when I did some workshops with her, and knew that she was very nice and genuine, but I wasn't expecting her to be nearly as hands on yesterday as she was. We had a run through in the afternoon, and I fairly naturally assumed she would just come out to sing her songs, and spend the rest of the time in her dressing room. Instead, she sung her songs, then came and sat out in the auditorium and watched every single one of the soloists. She jumped up and down making suggestions, and helping when people were struggling with anything, and giving people advice on their song, and just generally being so supportive and helpful, which was far beyond what she needed to do. She could, and I think most performers would, have just come out and sung her own songs and ignored what everyone else was doing, but she just got really involved, and it was so nice to see such an experienced performer giving back in that way. She is a wonderful example of how great this business can be. And how sometimes even the people at the top of their game will really make an effort to help others who are still on their way up. In fact, I think it is often the people who are at the top who are the least diva-ish. Yesterday there was absolutely no bitchiness. Everyone got on really well. All the other soloists were lovely and we had great fun in our dressing room. It was just a really lovely example of what a fantastic industry it can be.

The actual run through was difficult for me. There were still pretty severe issues going on with the band timing wise, which was making it virtually impossible for me to know when to come in, so we had to do the start a few times to get it right, and I was worried it was me messing up, but it was apparently the band. In the end we got going and got all the way through, but my voice was really hurting, and it was getting really croaky - mostly actually in the dialogue bits rather than the singing. I was still really not confident with the timing - the scoring for the band part was COMPLETELY different to the normal sheet music, which is obviously what I have been used to rehearsing with - there were random extra bars in some places, and missing bars in others, and it was all a bit all over the place, and therefore worrying. I went down into the auditorium afterwards and was talking to the lead who said 'That scoring is really strange - I have always done it like X (at which point both of us went da da da da da daa da da da da etc, and established we were used to the same version!). It would completely confuse me like that!' I replied that it was completely confusing me too, and she said she would have a word with the MD (who was too stressed for anyone apart from her to dare speak to!) and see if we could go through it again, which she did, but the rehearsal ran on so late that there was absolutely no time to do anything again. But she did get her to make sure she was giving me really clear signals as to when to come in, as in the run through I couldn't tell when she was bringing me in and when she was bringing the band in, which was obviously very confusing. Usually it is fine, because they look at you, but the band were on stage, and so the MD was behind us, and so we saw her via a screen at the front of the stage, but obviously with that you can't see when she is actually looking at you. So it was all quite different for me, and the band part really was confusing - it would have been nice if it had been closer to the original scoring, both for the band and for me!

I was quite stressed between the run through and the performance, because I had no idea if I was going to be able to get the timing right or not, and there was nothing I could do about it. I desperately wanted another run through, but there wasn't the opportunity. From the end of the run through, time just flew. We all started putting on our make up, and getting our hair done, and getting into costume etc, and time just flew. Suddenly the concert had started, and time just whizzed by. I wasn't on until half way through the second half, so had plenty of time to get ready, which is lucky really, as I was still nowhere near ready by the time some of the other girls in my dressing room had already performed! I also nearly fell down the stairs at one point, which was slightly embarrassing, as it was right outside the number 1 dressing room, and I kind of screamed and swore at the same time, just as the lead had walked into her dressing room, so she dashed out to see if I was ok. Stupid shoes!

My actual performance went ok. I was nervous about the band because of the issues at the rehearsal, and I was worried about my voice. It could have been better - it would have been better if I hadn't been ill. But it wasn't a disaster. Through gluing my eyes to the screen at the appropriate times I managed to get all the timing right, and I think vocally it was reasonably strong apart from one note that cracked slightly due to my chest/throat. Some of the dialogue did sound slightly croaky, but there really was nothing I could do about that - I was supporting as much as I possibly could, but I have a chest infection, and no amount of support was going to get rid of that! I believe there were some slight mic issues too - it felt like it was fading in and out a bit, and my dad commented on it, but that wasn't uncommon - it happened to several people. So overall it was ok. I wasn't entirely happy with my performance, but then I very rarely am, and I feel like I did my best under the circumstances. And it was a really good day, where I met lots of lovely people, performed in the biggest theatre I have ever worked in, had some nice chats and laughs with a performer I have always admired greatly, and had the opportunity to sing in the same concert as her. I feel very lucky to have had that opportunity, and it reminded me of all the brilliant things about performing, and the business, and other performers. She really is true class, both on stage and off.

Illness and therapy

I decided not to take the antibiotics. I think that I probably do have a chest infection, but it might just be a bad throat combined with a cold, and 24 hours on antibiotics wasn't realistically going to do much, and after that I don't care if I am ill - my body can just fight it off. So I didn't really see the point of taking them - if I had got them a couple of days ago it would have, but with 24 hours to go I thought it was quite pointless. I have kept taking the Sudafed, and then honey and lemon Strepsils for my throat, and I did a steam inhalation with Olbas Oil, and will do again in the morning, plus keep taking the Sufafed etc. That is about all I can do really. And hope for the best. I have a full run through with the lead, all the other singers, and the band in the afternoon, and then obviously the concert in the evening. And then after show drinks apparently. I just really hope that I give a decent performance. I am a perfectionist, and I hate knowing already that I won't be as good as I could be, because of this infection/virus/whatever it is, and that really frustrates me a lot. But I am also quite anxious in case it is a complete disaster and my voice cracks all over the place or something. I want to be good - I am going to be surrounded by such fantastic performers, and I want to do well and be good too. I will be absolutely devastated if I mess up, even if it is down to illness.

A couple of friends are coming to see it. It's funny, I noticed with Carousel as well, the people who you would expect to come, ie people you are closer to, or who live locally, or who are into theatre, don't, and then other people that you wouldn't expect to come do. For example tomorrow, a friend who I haven't seen for about 6 years is coming, even though she lives a long way away, and a friend I met online years ago but have never actually met in real life is coming. But none of my friends that I actually see are. T said from when I was first cast that he would definitely be coming, and was bringing his family etc, but now isn't coming. Other friends who either live more locally, or are closer friends, or are fans of the star aren't coming. But then two people I wouldn't have expected to come are, and it was exactly the same with Carousel - people who could easily have come didn't, and then again there were 2 people (although a different 2 people) who I wouldn't have expected to come who did. Plus my parents are coming of course, but again, none of the rest of my family.

I have an appointment through to see the psychologist. It is for an assessment, at the end of January. I may then be offered CAT (CBT and CAT are basically the only therapies in my area), but L is actually more interested in the assessment. She said if the psychologist and I both thought that therapy would help then obviously that would happen, but she wants me to see her for an assessment anyway, I suppose so that she can get the view of someone else. It will be kind of weird, because I know that the psychologist knows a lot about me already - L has supervision about me with her regularly, and she has read all of my notes apparently (a pretty Herculean task - there are a hell of a lot of them!), so she knows a lot about me, both from my notes, and from talking to L. So it will be quite weird, because although in theory usually people are supposed to have read your notes, they generally seem not to have, and they certainly don't usually know as much about me as this psychologist does about me. A friend used to have therapy with her, and she is apparently very nice. But obviously it is still about 7 weeks away, and if I do end up having therapy with her then that would be even longer.

Cold

Today has been a wash out. It is ridiculous how ill a cold can make you feel. I woke up feeling like crap, stupidly congested, earache from the congestion, headache from the congestion, throat hurting, general crappy feeling. Decided I wasn't really in a fit state to go off to ballet and rehearsal tonight, since I can't sing and my head feels far too fuzzy to dance, so called and made my apologies, and stayed home - I decided the rest would be more helpful. Went to see my GP to get my prescriptions - she said I should have just called and she could have done them over the phone rather than me going out in the cold when I am feeling crap. I hadn't thought of that. I have gone through a ridiculous number of tissues today, and seem to alternate between being so congested that blowing my nose is impossible, and having a nose that is dripping non stop. Neither are particularly comfortable. I am hoping that I will sleep well tonight and wake up tomorrow feeling much better. I now only have 4 days until the concert, and am starting to get concerned - when I called to say I wouldn't be able to make rehearsal I couldn't even say my bloody name clear enough for her to know who it was calling. I have been taking cold cure tablets today and yesterday, but they clearly haven't been doing any cold curing. I will buy some decongestants tomorrow and hope that they help. I am going to run out of bloody tissues at this rate.

Tomorrow I don't have to do anything, except I have an appointment to get my hair cut at 7. I haven't had my hair cut for nearly a year - it is a complete mess. At first it was because I couldn't decide whether to grow it or cut it (usual inability to make a decision), and so I did nothing, and then my hairdresser went on maternity leave and I couldn't be bothered to find another one. But then I was looking at some old pictures the other day where my hair actually had some layers (all grown out) and shape etc, and decided I really should get it cut. Plus I have split ends I noticed recently. Which isn't suprising. I think I will then have to go to Sainsburys with my mum after, as she will be going shopping then. So hopefully I will be feeling better by then. I don't like supermarkets. They make me anxious.

I am going to try and sleep now. I hope I feel better tomorrow and that this stupid bloody cold doesn't keep me awake all night. I have had a Zopiclone to try and help. I really need a decent sleep.

Hectic evening

So I woke up today with a sore throat and a bit of a cold, which was absolutely the last thing I wanted, given that I am singing in a concert in 6 days. I am just hoping that getting it now means that it will be gone by then.... The cold is less of an issue - lots of steam can deal with that to a reasonable extent, but the sore throat is a problem.

Hectic evening was hectic as predicted. Ended up leaving slightly later than intended, which put me in a rush before the proper chaos even begun. Then had ballet for an hour, which was fine. Then had to quickly change and get across town to the band call. The band call was part good, part scary. I arrived to hear them mid way through Stars, being played beautifully by a 25 piece orchestra, and being sung fantastically. Which kind of freaked me out to be honest. He was too good! I believe he has been in Les Miserables in the West End production, which explains it I suppose, but singing in the same concert as such talented people is slightly intimidating - there are quite a few professionals, including him, a girl who trained classically at Guildhall and was incredible before she went there for 4 years - I've not heard her since and so can only imagine how good she is going to be. And then several other recent drama school/music school graduates. And that is without even mentioning the headline act, who is a big star in theatre. I just hope I can give a good performance. My song at the band call was hard work. For a start my voice wasn't feeling too happy - I was ok when I was in chest voice and belting, but my head voice felt very out. Luckily there are only about 2 notes in the whole song that I sing in head voice, but one of them is a sustained note, and it would be really nice if my voice didn't crack half way through it. It is the hardest song in the concert as far as the band are concerned - it is complicated scoring, and they have to vamp quite a lot whilst I am doing the speaking bits of the song and then it is difficult to get the timing right for when they come back in properly, and when I start singing in relation to that - it isn't like they know exactly what they are going to be playing in the way that they will with every other song. So it started off fairly terribly, but after a bit of work it did sound better. But not better enough that I am happy knowing I only have 1 more run through with them, and that is the day of the concert. I will just have to hope it all goes ok and trust in the MD - she is bloody brilliant, so hopefully she will get it all going smoothly..... I then had to dash off to rehearsal for the show - 45 minutes late, but I had warned them I was going to be late as I had to go straight from the band call, and I don't think I had missed anything much - I think they had just gone over a couple of chorus numbers, and I am not in many of the chorus numbers anyway. When I got there we did the big chorus number that I lead, and they then went onto another chorus number, but I stopped singing as my voice was really starting to feel unhappy and there was no point trying to push it. Then we danced for a while. And then I came home. I am pretty exhausted - I was out for over 5 and a half hours, and I was either singing or dancing for the vast majority of that time, and around people and therefore having to pretend to be happy for the entire time.

It was snowing heavily on the way home - that is the first snow we have had really. I think there was a tiny bit on Saturday or yesterday, but nothing worth mentioning. And it was snowing lightly on the way up there, but nothing like as heavily as it was on the way back home. I think it is meant to snow more overnight, and again tomorrow, but I've not actually looked out of the window since I got home.

I should try and get to sleep now. I have to get up to go and see L in 7 hours. I hope that it goes ok. I think I am going to see Harry Potter tomorrow evening with my mum, although that isn't definite. I could really do with a quiet day, but it doesn't look like I am going to get one this week - things are fairly full on for the next week or so.

Panic and suicidal thoughts

I am really freaking out. I just did my middle of the night weigh in, and I was a whole pound heavier than the same time last night. I honestly don't know how to deal with that. It sounds so ridiculous, because I know that really a pound is nothing, but it feel like an enormous amount. And actually, if I lose a pound I am very pleased, so I suppose I see it as a lot that way, and therefore gaining a pound also has to be seen as a lot. I was expecting my weight to be slightly higher today, as I probably ate a little more than I have been, and also, my weight was down 0.6 of a pound today from yesterday, when I had expected it to be about the same, or maybe down 0.2, so I did think that it might have gone up a little tomorrow, like maybe 0.4, and was bracing myself for that, but to see the number a whole pound higher than last night just really did make me panic. I just don't know what to do. I haven't been feeling good today anyway, and seeing that really did make me have strong suicidal thoughts. Which I suppose proves just how important losing weight has been lately in keeping me going. The ridiculous thing is, a week ago I would have been delighted to see the number I just saw in one of my middle of the night weigh ins, and now it devastates me. That sounds like an exaggeration, but it really isn't.

I do feel like this last week has been really tough. My mood has been getting lower and lower, and the suicidal thoughts have been increasing in intensity. Then the argument with my mum on Saturday hurt me enormously, and left me feeling very confused, and also like there was less to stop me from killing myself. I really have been desperately clinging on to my weight going down as something positive in my life that I could try and focus on and pour all of my energies into, to try and stop me thinking about suicide all the time, and to prove to myself that I wasn't useless, and that I was suceeding at something. And now suddenly that has gone, and I am not quite sure where that leaves me. I feel like a failure for a start. And greedy and disgusting and useless. And I hate myself. I am really starting to feel quite strongly again that I just can't cope. That I need to kill myself, and that actually suicide is the right option. I just don't want to be here at all, and whilst I do always feel like that, the feelings are far more intense at the moment and I just don't know if I can get through them, or if I want to.

Ironically I actually had quite a good appointment with L today. True to form I can only remember little snippets of what was said, but I did feel like she understood my point of view regarding the things I have been writing about this week. I think she often feels very restricted and frustrated by the system and the way it works. We somehow got onto the topic of Therapeutic Communities, and how helpful the good ones could be, but how it is virtually impossible to get funding, unless you are currently costing the NHS a fortune, as in lots of admissions to acute wards etc etc, and how someone like me, who just sees her weekly, would have next to no chance of getting funding. She said how unfair it is, and that I have worked very hard and am very good at not acting on my impulses all the time, but that doesn't mean I am any less ill or am struggling any less than people who do continually self harm or overdose. Although that was possibly just her validating my feelings after what I wrote yesterday! But no, I do genuinely believe that she thinks that and understands how difficult it is for me, and I do frequently get the impression she is very frustrated by the confines within which she has to work. She also said to think about services etc that aren't available, as she has started to include service deficits on peoples care plans (I think much to the annoyance of her manager!). Not that it will change anything, but I do really like that she doesn't just accept things as they are, and does try and fight negative attitudes and problems with the system etc - whether it makes any difference or not is kind of irrelevant, I just think it is important that there are people out there working within mental health who are prepared to challenge the system and not just sit back and accept that things are shit. The more people who stand up and do that the better.

It is kind of scary how quickly my mood has dropped. I suppose that is what happens when you invest everything in one thing, in my case my weight, and then that goes wrong. I was feeling very low this afternoon, but nothing like to the extent that I am now. It is like I was at the bottom of a pit, and then suddenly the bottom dropped out and I fell even further. I honestly don't know what to do. My suicidal thoughts had already started to reach the planning stage in that I was thinking in terms of days and times etc, but it feels that much more urgent now. If I get through tomorrow and Thursday then I will be ok until the end of the weekend, as there would be a lack of opportunity anyway Friday/Saturday/Sunday. And I think I can do that. I just don't want to. I think I will try and call L tomorrow. Maybe that will help to calm me down a little. I don't know what else to do.

Validation and invalidation

It was so bloody cold today. I woke up and was freezing, even whilst I was still in bed. I put the heating on but I never really warmed up. Then I had to go off to ballet, and I did warm up a little whilst I was dancing, but then I went to a sing through for one of the musicals I have been considering auditioning for, and it was absolutely freezing there - it was barely any warmer than outside, and so I spent the entire 2 and a half hours with icy cold hands, and that was with leaving my coat on! I am in bed now in my pyjamas and bed socks and dressing gown, with a hot water bottle, and underneath a duvet and blanket, but I am still quite cold. I hate having such awful circulation! Tomorrow I don't have to leave the house at all, which is going to be really nice, as it looks like it will be freezing again. I usually see L Tuesday morning, but this week she is doing a home visit in the afternoon, which is good for two reasons - firstly I get to sleep in, and secondly I don't have to go out in the cold and wet!

I am still really shitty, and struggling with everything. My weight has stayed fairly stable over the last few days, after a period of losing. It has gone down slightly, but not much. But I did lose 2lbs between last Monday and this Monday, and another 2 the week before. I have no idea where they went from though, as I don't seem to be any smaller at all. My waist may be slightly smaller, but my hips and thighs are typically not budging. I really need the numbers to start going down again, and I am terrified that I will have gained tomorrow. I ate more today than I wanted to, or feel that I should have. My dinner had about 150kcals more in than I thought it had (as I looked up the figure online a little while ago), and I had some other things I shouldn't have had. The frustrating thing is that dinner was so long ago that I am already feeling hungry - I had to eat sooner after half 4, as I was out from 5 until half 10, whereas I usually eat about 7, and despite normally eating far fewer calories than I had today, I don't usually get hungry again. So I am feeling quite frustrated. I suppose I did dance for an hour, so that will have had to burn some calories, but I am worried it won't be enough. I am going to go and weigh myself in a moment to check my middle of the night weight, so that I am not too horrified when I weigh myself tomorrow, but I am already petrified that it is going to be a number that means I will have gained weight, and I don't know what I will do if it is. Mood wise I am still struggling a lot. I am thinking a lot about suicide, and when I could do it. I think I have it worked out when I could do it. It isn't any time this week, so I suppose I will have to see how things go over the next few days, but I am just finding everything so hard, and I keep thinking that if I don't do it really soon, then it will be January before I could do anything due to my rules on suicide, and the thought of living until January is really, really scary.

I spoke to my friend A via text earlier. She said she is still feeling bad. She saw her social worker earlier, who suggested admission, but she said she would rather stay at home, so she is being seen daily by the crisis team, hospital is remaining an option, and she is seeing her social worker again in a couple of days. I spent some time wondering why the treatment that she, and other people, gets bothers me, and what it is that makes me jealous about it. I know from experience that hospital is crap - that it isn't therapeutic, and isn't a nice environment to be in, and yet I still feel envious that she is always given that as an option. And I think there are two reasons. Firstly, I think it is just about having the chance to have that complete break and not having to be responsible for anything or take care of yourself when you are really struggling. I find it so hard to keep going on my own sometimes when I feel really awful, and even though I know hospital would be shit in many ways, and achieve absolutely nothing in the long term, it would be a break in the short term, and when things are so bad that I can only think in the very short term (and mostly because I don't feel that there will be a long term as the suicidal thoughts get so strong) that seems like a reasonable option. And then I think the other thing is to do with validation. If you are feeling really dreadful, and you are offered more support, in whatever form - whether it be more appointments, or being seen by the crisis team, or hospital - it is validation of how you are feeling. Obviously people can say they know that you are feeling really bad etc, but I actually never feel like that means much when I am at my worst. Although I know rationally that options are very limited, when I am feeling that bad it just feels like if people really believed that I was feeling as desperate and suicidal as I was saying I was, then surely they would try to do something. I suppose it can feel quite invalidating to say that you feel suicidal and are planning to kill yourself and for no further support to be offered, as it then feels like people either don't believe what you are saying, which is why they aren't arranging more support, or that they don't really care whether you kill yourself or not. Whilst logically I am aware that it doesn't necessarily mean that, that is how it feels, and I think that is why I get quite jealous of other people when they are offered a lot of help when they are feeling bad. Whether the help is actually helpful or not is almost irrelevant - I think that just the offer or arrangement of it makes it seem like people have listened to what you have said, taken you seriously, and are giving you support to stay safe. I am not sure if that sounds attention seeking. Maybe it does, but it isn't supposed to. I would never say that I was planning to kill myself or didn't think that I could keep myself safe unless I was genuinely thinking that, and very strongly. I am not referring to the general discussion or mention of suicidal thoughts, as that is often a different matter - I just mean when things really are at rock bottom and I have planned when and how I am going to kill myself, or I am feeling so desperate and unsafe that I might act on impulse. As demonstrated by recent events, I am unlikely to receive much support or validation from my family at these times, which is why I rarely talk about how I am feeling with them, and so I suppose I primarily look to professionals for validation of my feelings, and whilst I do feel like I get that the majority of the time from L, I do find it incredibly difficult when I feel like I am in crisis, and that is why I feel envious of other people getting more help than I do in similar circumstances. I do understand the rationale behind decisions like that (for eg hospital is shit and doesn't actually help at all long, or even medium term) feelings and emotions don't generally follow reason, however much you try to force them to. And I think I needed to work out what it was that caused those feelings of hurt and jealousy when friends receive help, as it tends to make me feel guilty for being jealous when they are obviously having such a difficult time, but I do think it is a combination of just being desperate for a break when things get that bad, and needing to feel validated. And I am not sure what the answer is, or even if there is one, but at least now I think I know where the thoughts stem from.

Very tired

I am absolutely exhausted. I couldn't get to sleep last night - it was even worse than usual for some reason. Then I had to be up at 9 this morning, so I ended up with less than 4 hours sleep. So I am feeling totally zombified and desperate for a nap, but trying to stay awake so that I can sleep tonight. Although I know it won't work - I will be shattered until about 8 o'clock, and then get a burst of energy and not be able to sleep until the middle of the night again, because that is always what happens with me, no matter how long I have been awake, on how little sleep.

I had a rehearsal at 11 this morning. It wasn't for long - it was just to run through my solo for the concert in December. I think it went ok - my voice wasn't overly happy at the beginning because it doesn't like mornings (nor does the rest of me, but my voice has particularly firm views about when it is acceptable to sing and when it isn't, and mornings are a no go!) but it did improve as we went on, and it wasn't horrific. They seemed pleased enough with how it went, which is good, as I am unlikely to get to do it again until the day of the concert, when we have a full run through with the band in the afternoon, before the concert itself in the evening. The only thing I am not happy about is what I am going to be wearing. As it is a concert, I assumed it would be evening dress, but they apparently want people in costumes vaguely appropriate for the song they are singing - not costume, but something they consider suitable. For the vast majority of people I think this will be evening dress, as for songs like Memory and Somewhere and Defying Gravity etc, evening dress is about as appropriate as anything else bar full costume. However, they have decided they don't want me in evening dress. They want me in trousers. Now I hate trousers at any time - I feel like they really accentuate the parts of my body that I hate most - my thighs, followed by my hips, but I am going to hate them even more when everyone else is in pretty dresses. I rarely wear trousers - I will wear them if I am just hanging around in the house, or popping to an appointment, but if I am putting any effort at all into what I look like then I wear a skirt or dress, as I feel very self conscious in trousers. So it is far from ideal that I have to wear trousers for this concert, particularly when virtually everyone else, possibly every single other female, will be in evening dress.

I didn't end up seeing my friend at all after all. She texted me earlier saying that she hadn't been feeling that great all week, and hadn't slept well last night and was feeling more ill today, so she was sorry but she was going to give it a miss. I wasn't too bothered really. I suppose it would have been nice to see her, but I am feeling pretty shit, so it is kind of nice not having to put on a front and pretend everything is fine.

I am still feeling really upset and hurt by what happened yesterday. There has been absolutely no mention of any of it today - my mum is just acting like nothing happened. I've not spoken to my sister, and don't have any desire to. Although I am actually far more hurt by my mum, as I knew my sister didn't like me anyway - that has been evident for many years. I had hoped that my mum would have been more supportive of me.

Titles are overrated

This is ridiculous. I spent the whole day absolutely exhausted, despite actually getting a fairly reasonable amount of sleep, and yet here I am at 4am, pretty wide awake. Why is it that I could go to sleep at 7 or 8 on virtually any day, but never at say 11 or 12, or even 1 or 2?? I have even tried the going to bed really early thing in the past (at about 9pm) but my body thought I was joking and just had a nice little cat nap for a couple of hours and then I was wide awake and bouncy, and got to sleep properly even later than usual.

So, today. Started well. Weight down. Woohoo. Actually the lowest it has been (although admittedly only by half a pound) since I gained weight at the beginning of the year. I need it to keep going down. My middle of the night weigh in tonight was promising for a lower, or at least not a higher, weight again tomorrow. Lower would be great of course.... Over the last couple of weeks I seem to have managed to get back into the knack of making my weight go down or stay the same virtually every day - there has only actually been one day when it went up, and it went straight back down the next day. So that is very good. That needs to keep happening. It is very important that keeps happening. I am clinging to my weight going down really hard, as it is the only thing at all that I am able to feel positive about at the moment - the rest of the time my mind is filled with suicidal thoughts, and all of the things I wrote about yesterday, and I really need there to be one positive in my life, or I don't know how I can keep going. Fairly naturally, losing more weight today made me freak out even more about the meal with my friend on Sunday. It will mean a weight gain for sure, and I just don't know how to accept that without completely falling apart. It wouldn't be so bad if it was in the evening, as then I could not eat during the day (which is pretty much what I do anyway) and then just have the meal out as my only food for the day, but eating out at lunch time is a real issue because I will then be feeling hungry by the evening, and so will want more to eat then. I am kind of panicking. And I don't know how I can back out of it, as I told her I was free, and what time before she suggested eating out. I am actually terrified. I feel so pathetic. 3 weeks ago I ate out and it was fine. But my mood is so precarious at the moment, and my weight is the only thing keeping it stable, and I am just so scared that if that goes up I will totally crash.

My day has been pretty non eventful really apart from the exhaustion, and now lack of sleep. I saw Dr O this afternoon. She asked if my back was better, I said no, and explained about my upper hamstrings also been very tight. She said pulled muscles can go on for months and there was nothing I could do, and said that back injuries did tend to recur, and take longer to heal when you had a history of them. I said I didn't have a history of them. She was confused as for some reason she thought I had a history of bad backs. She also pointed out that things took longer to heal when you got older. Then looked like she realised what she had said, and said that she would still place me in the 'young' category. My lump is apparently a little cyst. It may go away, or it may not. Which I could probably have guessed really. I said Dr Google told me it was a tumour on my salivary glands but that I had decided I should ask a real doctor really. It apparently isn't a tumour on my salivary glands, so that's nice. Although I still think it might be. I suppose she knows what she's talking about, but do tumours and cysts really look and feel that different? She did the usual thing of making assumptions about my mental health without actually asking me any questions, and said that it was good that things had been on such an even keel for so long. I think I may have smirked. I said it wasn't very even, but that I had decided it was pointless talking about it because it wouldn't change anything, which she agreed with. Which makes me think she possibly doesn't have a terribly high opinion of therapy. I do find it irritating when people make assumptions about how you are without asking you, but at least now she doesn't recommend I learn to cross stitch or go to church, which is always a bonus.

My concentration has been utter shite all day. I don't know if that is a result of my mood, or how tired I have been (despite not really having any reason to be tired), but I haven't been able to think straight at all. It took me hours to write an email, and I have had to read anything that anyone has said to me twice to try and make sense of it. I am going to try and sleep now since it is 4:30am. No plans at all for tomorrow, except stressing about plans for Sunday. I can't cope with a meal out.

Anger, jealousy, and anxiety

I am a) absolutely furious, and b) feeling really shit. Which isn't a great combination really. The anger is because as I wrote about a couple of months ago (here) I had to start looking after my 5 year old nephew after he finished school on Thursdays, until my sister could get here to pick him up. Although it doesn't sound like a big deal, I have found it incredibly stressful, and I have got into a complete state at times as I have been so panicked about it. There were also a couple of times when I was supposed to be seeing T, but wasn't able to because I had to be at home to look after my nephew, and that obviously annoyed me because I don't often see friends, and so when I can, and feel like it, I don't want to not be able to because I have to look after my nephew. So every week I told my mum that I really didn't want to do it, and how anxious it made me, and then in the end after having to tell T yet again that I wouldn't be able to see him because of looking after my nephew, I said to my mum that was the last week I would do it, and they would have to make other arrangements for the next week. Naturally they didn't, and I had to do it again, and was really angry that I had been completely ignored yet again, and said I really was not going to do it anymore. She asked if I could just keep doing it until half term (last week) as that would give my sister time to make other arrangements, so I agreed to that, but said I was absolutely not going to do it after that, and that if I was needed for the odd afternoon because someone was ill or something then that was one thing, but I did not want it as a weekly commitment. So as far as I was concerned my responsibilites with that had finished a couple of weeks ago. Then on Monday, my mum asked me what was going to happen about him this week. I said I was under the impression that she had told my sister I wouldn't be looking after him anymore weeks and weeks ago when we discussed it, as the whole point was that she would have time until after half term to find another arrangement. Turned out she hadn't actually mentioned it at all, as she said she knew my sister would say how selfish and mean I was and how I only thought about myself, and she would be able to see her point. I said I didn't care, I wasn't doing it, and she said she would call her. I then didn't think anything more about it, until I heard hammering on the door this afternoon. Assumed it was a delivery or something, went downstairs, and there was my nephew. I was absolutely furious. I hate that my feelings are just completely ignored - I have said so many times that I just find it too stressful, and it makes me really upset and anxious, plus I don't want to be tied down and not able to arrange other things if I want to, but it seems like that is completely unimportant. My sister is such a bully, and as long as everything suits her then she doesn't actually give a shit about whether something suits other people, or how it makes them feel. And I am really angry with my mum for telling me weeks and weeks ago that I only had to do it until half term, and then doing absolutely nothing about it, and then telling me again on Monday that she would speak to my sister, and again doing nothing about it. And after he had left I said to my mum how annoyed I was, and that naturally I hadn't been expecting him today, and once again got the 'Well I really don't see why it is such a big deal, I don't know why you can't just look after him, and there is nothing about it that should make you anxious' speech that I get from her every time. I have tried to explain that I think it is actually irrelevant that she doesn't think it should make me anxious, as it does, and it also makes me very upset, but she is more concerned about not rocking the boat where my sister is concerned than she is about my feelings. So I am feeling really pissed off and upset about the whole thing. I don't care if I am selfish for not doing it - I just get too stressed by it, and I don't see why I should have to put myself through that much anxiety, just because my sister can't be bothered to find someone to look after her child.

I think the feeling shit is primarily just the natural progression of how I have been feeling this week. My mood just seems to be dropping further. I hate this so much. Knowing what is happening, and yet being powerless to stop it. The depression is certainly getting stronger yet again, as are the suicidal thoughts. And it is continually in my mind that if I am going to act on them, I have to do it in the next few weeks, or I can't for 2 months, and that does scare me quite a lot. I am also having thoughts that I don't like and feel quite ashamed of. They annoy me, because they just sound so typically borderline, and I don't want to be that. When I have thoughts that are typical of depression or disordered eating for example, obviously I hate having them because they make me feel bad, but I don't feel anything negative towards the actual thoughts, whereas I really do about thoughts that I perceive as borderline. They always make me feel ashamed of myself and embarrassed, and so I try to just pretend they aren't there - I often don't write about them because I just don't want to be thinking them. At the moment I think I am just feeling a bit envious of a couple of my friends, and I hate myself for that because they aren't well, but I just can't help it. It is one in particular really, my friend A who took the paracetamol overdose the other day. It sounds awful already, saying I am jealous of someone who took an overdose. She also spent around 9 months in hospital fairly recently, from about this time last year, until this summer. Anyway, she is fine, she was on a drip for a while, but she is back home now. She has been saying for a couple of weeks that she is feeling really crap and having suicidal thoughts, and obviously I have tried to be supportive and talk to her etc. But what I am finding difficult is the amount of help she gets. We had very similar histories, and she used to be in a similar position to me, and see someone weekly and that was about it. Then she started DBT, and so had quite a lot of support from that, and also got a lot of referrals to the crisis team. She had a couple of short admissions (1 week) when she was struggling. Then around this time last year she was admitted, and for some reason kept there for about 9 months. They did a lot of messing around with her meds to try and get her onto something that would help stabilise her, which made sense, but I was really amazed that they kept her in hospital for so long as she wasn't manic or psychotic or anything else that people are usually hospitalised for a long time for, and it was just a normal acute NHS ward, not a therapeutic community or anything like that. I found it difficult sometimes when she was in hospital, as she would say she was feeling really bad for example, but some of those times I was also really struggling a lot, but on my own, without constant support like she had. But I knew that there was no way I would have wanted to be in hospital for that long when it had no therapeutic value etc, and I also thought it wasn't a very good idea, as she would find it really hard when she left and suddenly didn't have all of that support. As predicted, she found it difficult when she was discharged, as I think she had completely forgotten what it was like to feel really shit and not have 24/7 support, and what it is like to have suicidal thoughts and just have to get through them on your own because there is no alternative. But she had been doing ok. She was coping as well as could be expected really, and didn't seem to be doing too badly really - the medication definitely helped her and she wasn't self harming, and didn't seem to be that low or suicidal - certainly a lot better than I have seen her other times. Then a couple of weeks ago she started feeling worse and telling me she was having suicidal thoughts but didn't want to be admitted or see the crisis team, and so I tried to remind her of all the times in the past she had managed to cope with thoughts like that, and that she could do it again. And then the other day she took the overdose - it wasn't a suicide attempt, as she told me she had done it about half an hour later, but she had bad news and she said she just did it before she had even thought about it, and she was planning to go to hospital for it etc. When I spoke to her earlier she said she was being seen by the crisis team, and if she wasn't feeling better by Monday then she would be admitted, and she said she didn't care either way. And for some reason I just found that really hard to hear. I think it is because of the countless times when I have been feeling so completely desperate because of how suicidal I have felt, and just how terrible I have been feeling, and just had to cope with the same amount of support as usual, ie a weekly appointment, or sometimes not even that if it has been a period when L has been away. I don't get seen by the crisis team or offered admission. I haven't even been admitted following suicide attempts, although I did have a couple of admissions back in 2005 when I was living away from home. And I have been feeling worse and worse over the last week or two, and the suicidal thoughts are getting stronger, but I know that it wouldn't matter how bad things got, I still wouldn't get that kind of support. And I do understand why, because I know I need to learn to cope with the suicidal thoughts without escaping into hospital, and that it really isn't a solution in the long term, but sometimes I just feel so desperate, and a break from having to fight constantly to keep myself safe would just be such an enormous relief, and if I am honest I do feel jealous that she can have that if she asks, or even if she doesn't, when I can be feeling exactly the same and get nothing. But I hate myself for thinking like that, because if she is getting more help it must be because she is more ill and needs it and deserves it more than I do, and I really shouldn't be jealous of her for it. But I can't help it.

I am feeling a bit stressed, as a friend I've not seen for 2 or 3 months sent me a text the other day asking if I was doing anything on Sunday. I said I had a concert rehearsal from 11 - 12, but was free after that. She replied asking if I would like to go out for lunch. Since I had just said I was free, I couldn't then say I was busy, and she's a very long term friend, who I have known since I was 4 and she was 2, and I would like to see her, but the thought of eating out is really scaring me. I always find it fairly difficult eating out, because I know it is likely to have a bad effect on my weight, but it is something I try and do anyway, because it is one of the most obvious ways of socialising with people, and actually I like some food a lot, and therefore quite like eating out - it just makes me feel guilty, and I quite often purge. But I still do it. But this time it is actually filling me with dread. I think it is because I finally, over the last week or so, seem to have got my body into a pattern of losing or maintaining every day, without really gaining at all, and I think I am just terrified of ruining that. I don't think I have ever felt quite this scared about a meal out. I think it is because emotionally I am really feeling on the edge at the moment, and knowing that my weight is going down is the only positive I can see at all, and I am scared of what my reaction will be if the numbers start going up, as I just don't think I can cope with any more bad feelings at the moment. I am angry with myself for letting my eating and weight get this much control over me - regardless of my weight, or what stage I have been at eating wise, ie whether I have been purging or restricting or whatever, I have always still gone for meals out, and I am just furious that I have now become so terrified by the thought of it. Why have I been able to do it for the last 7 years, and now suddenly it feels like the scariest thing evver?! I suppose it must just be because I am feeling so precarious mood wise, and so I am just desperate to cling on to the one thing in my life I can see as a positive, and I am scared that this meal will shatter that, and therefore any semblance of coping. I am scared.

I have an appointment with Dr O tomorrow. It is lucky they always book me a double slot, as I seem to have a string of things to tell her. My back still isn't better, my hamstring/hip thing is bad, and then there is the lump thing that I should mention. Plus the usual getting my medications, her making assumptions on my mood based on whether or not I am smiling, and suggesting I learn to cross stitch if I am not doing well.

I need to sleep. I have been writing this on and off for 11 hours now. My concentration is just all over the place. I can't think properly, and my brain just feels slowed down.

Commitment

I am not feeling good. I had gained weight today, as predicted. And as predicted, it made me feel terrible. I tried not to eat too much today. I did have quite a big dinner, but I didn't eat anything else, apart from a few sweets that my friend brought over. I ate too much to have lost any weight, but I am just hoping I won't have gained either, although I am feeling quite full and heavy at the moment, so I may have. I will go and weigh myself in a little while and see what is going on.

I didn't really do much today. My friend arrived about half 12, and we watched the Oklahoma DVD with Hugh Jackman (so sexy!) and just chatted. And then she stayed for dinner, and then left at about 8. I then watched the X Factor results (boring) and Downton Abbey. I love Downton Abbey. Period dramas are great. I got annoyed because my mum made a cake, but it was a fruit cake and I don't even like fruit cakes. And I don't even know who will eat the bloody fruit cake - originally she had said she wanted to make a chocolate cake, as she got a recipe for a good one from my old next door neighbour, and said she would make a fruit cake as well because my dad likes fruit cake. I said having 2 cakes at once seemed pretty excessive, and also somewhat strange since the last cake she made was in July, and that I didn't want to end up eating most of the chocolate cake myself, as she would also be eating the fruit cake. So she just made a fruit cake, but my dad isn't even that keen on cake - fruit cake is his favourite, but he can take or leave cake really, so he won't eat much of it, I won't eat any of it as I refuse to eat fruit cake on principle (it doesn't have icing, and is therefore an inferior cake, and although I don't dislike it, it feels like a big waste of calories eating something I am not bothered about), and so that pretty much just leaves my mum. And she prefers chocolate cake really. I don't know why she didn't just make the chocolate cake. So I was pissed off about the lack of cake, despite me saying it was a silly idea to make 2, as I didn't want to eat an entire chocolate cake. I am so awkward really. It is probably for the best really, or I would have had a piece every day until it went, and that wouldn't have done my weight loss plans any favours, and I would also have purged it sometimes, as I tend to do that. But I still would have liked a piece of cake. Or a cupcake. Just not stupid fruit cake. I could of course make one myself, but then we would have the 2 cakes in the house situation that I wanted to avoid. I don't need cake.

I think I have been struggling more again this week. I generally notice concentration first. My normal judge of concentration is my ability to read - when my concentration isn't too bad, which is when my mood is better, I probably read a book in 2 or 3 days on average. I have been reading the same book for a week now, and it isn't a particularly long book (shorter than my average book) and I am only half way through. There is a possibility that I just don't like the book and so can't be bothered to read it, but I have noticed other signs of my mood slipping - increased obsessiveness with my weight (that happens in the period between doing slightly better, when I do focus on my weight, but not to this extent, and feeling too terrible to give a shit about what I weigh, which is when there is probably genuine cause for concern about my safety), a genuine decrease in hunger (although I continue to stuff myself most days, but normally end up feeling sick as I wasn't hungry in the first place), not bothering about what I look like at all and living in the same clothes every day, on the rare occasions I manage to get out of my pyjamas, increased suicidal thoughts, and a complete inability to cry, even when I am feeling really terrible or upset. I think that is all for now. I guess I will just have to keep an eye on things and see what happens. Although to be honest that is fairly pointless, as even if things plummeted to the point where I knew I was going to kill myself the following day, there wouldn't really be a lot I could do about it. But it seems like a good idea to know if my mood is on the way down or up, and to what extent, even if I can't do anything about it.

Tomorrow I am doing nothing during the day, then I have ballet at 5:45. Then at half 7 I am going to a sing through for a musical I am thinking about auditioning for. I haven't actually decided for sure whether I am going to audition or not. There is another show on a month before I am also considering auditioning for. I couldn't be in both, but I am not sure which I would rather do. I prefer the company doing one, and I prefer the show being done by the other. Both are good shows actually, but the female ensemble have more to do, and there are more female parts, hence me saying I prefer it. If I audition for one of them I will probably audition for both - the auditions are only a few days apart, and then I could decide based on casting etc. But I am not sure if I want to commit to doing another show or not. Partly because it feels too soon - Carousel has only just finished, and although auditions aren't for a couple more weeks, and therefore rehearsals probably wouldn't start for a month, it feels quite soon. But partly because I don't know if I want to commit myself to anything else at the moment. To an extent, committing myself to being in a show feels like committing myself to stay alive until that production has finished, and right now I don't feel in a position to say that I will stay alive until March/April of next year. That is a long time away, and I am not feeling good at the moment. I am having a lot of suicidal thoughts currently, and I don't want to feel tied to anything. On the other hand, maybe it is good for me to be rehearsing something, and to have a goal. Maybe it makes me feel better. And it doesn't have to be as much of a commitment as I make it. People drop out of productions all the time. As long as you aren't a lead it doesn't matter too much - you are replaceable. Well, anyone is replaceable if they need to be, but the bigger the role the harder you are to replace. But if I was in the chorus for one of the shows, I wouldn't have to see that as a commitment to staying alive for a long time - if I wasn't able to do it in the end then it wouldn't actually affect the production - they might just have to slightly alter a couple of big dance numbers - it wouldn't be a big deal. A principal part would be another matter, but I very much doubt I would get a principal role in either show. I don't know if I would feel able to commit to a principal part at the moment. Firstly because that really would feel like a commitment to staying alive until the production was over, partly because sometimes I just can't cope with going to rehearsals when I am really struggling, and that is problematic if you are a lead, and partly because learning lots of lines is an issue when I am having problems with concentration and memory. There are probably more reasons too, but they are the ones that immediately spring to mind. Being a lead is a lot more pressure than being in the chorus. The old adage 'There are no small parts, only small actors' is bollocks in my opinion. Ok, there are some very important small roles, but basically, if you are in a small role, it is going to be far easier to replace you than it is the lead - that is just simple logistics. If someone has hundreds of lines and 3 solo songs and a dance number, then it is going to be far more difficult to recast their role 2 weeks before the show opens than it is someone who has a cameo part with 10 lines and sings in the chorus of 2 songs. Of course I understand the sentiment of it, and I realise I am taking it somewhat out of context here, but for me a lead role is a far bigger commitment than a small part would be, and actually is more important - you can't do the show without the lead, but is anyone really going to miss that person in the 3rd row of the chorus? Unlikely. I have gone off on a tangent again. I was saying something. Oh yes. So I don't know whether to audition or not at the moment, because I don't know if I can handle the commitment. I will see how I feel next week when the auditions come round. I may audition and then decide. And I only have to see it as a commitment to life if I get cast in a lead role. I might not audition for a lead role. That goes against everything my actor-ey instincts tell me to do, but I couldn't honestly take on a part now for a show in March or April and know that I would be alive to do it.

I am struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts at the moment. They are quite strong, although currently not at an out of control level. What is difficult is my brain keeps going into planning mode and then getting stuck. I have certain rules around suicide. I would never do it say in the lead up to Christmas, or over Christmas, or on, or in the days before, somebody's birthday, or other significant dates. I think suicides are hard enough for the people left behind to deal with, without the anniversary of it popping up at a time when they are supposed to be happy, like at Christmas or a Birthday. So that is the first rule. The second rule is not to do it if something particularly difficult has just happened, for example I was very suicidal, and had just made an attempt, 2 years ago, and then my grandmother died, and although my suicidal thoughts were incredibly strong, I knew it wouldn't be fair to make my mother lose her mother and her daughter within the space of a week. That would have just felt wrong. However desperate I was feeling I couldn't have done that to her. The final rule is that I can't do it if I am committed to something, so for example in the month leading up to Carousel I couldn't have, however bad I felt, as I would have been letting so many people down. Prior to that it would have been acceptable, as I could have been replaced, but when there was only a few weeks to go I couldn't. So basically those are the rules. The other thing with suicide, is I like to know when it is an option. For example, when I am having strong suicidal thoughts, but I feel able to fight them a little longer, a tactic I use to do that is to say that if I am still feeling the same by X (say 2 weeks ahead for example) then I can act on them, and that is ok. It is just something I use to help me cope with them. Sometimes things have improved a little by X, sometimes they haven't really but I manage to find something else to keep going for, or have received more support, which has helped me to keep going etc. It doesn't always work - if I reach absolute breaking point then X goes out the window, so I would never promise to anyone, including myself, that I would be alive until X, but I do try to stick to it, and it is an aim at least. At the moment, although the thoughts aren't out of control, they have reached a point where I feel a need to plan when I would be able to kill myself if I needed to. And that is proving difficult. I usually try to set my first target for at least 2 weeks ahead, as that seems reasonable, and weekends are a no go because of people being around, which would make the first possible day I could kill myself November 15th. However, that is then less than 3 weeks before the concert I am doing, and so starting to encroach on the commitment rule. But the concert is in December, and so if I said that suicide wasn't an option until after that, it would be messing with the special occasion rule. Which therefore means it would basically mean being alive until January. And that thought terrifies me. It makes me feel really desperate and scared, and makes me want to kill myself now. Really quite badly. January is 2 months away - I can't say now that I can live for 2 whole months longer. It really scares me a lot. To the point that I am now thinking I need to kill myself now, within the next couple of weeks, to avoid that. I don't want to be alive for 2 months more. I don't want to be alive for 2 days more - committing to a further 2 months terrifies me. I could kill myself now. I don't mean right now, I mean at some point in the next couple of weeks. 3 weeks maximum. After that it is too close to the concert, and then Christmas. I hate Christmas. And I hate New Year even more. The thought of being alive for New Year is hideous. It makes me want to kill myself right now. I am not going to, but I want to. So I am feeling really confused. I do feel suicidal, and I do want to die, but I feel like I could hold off on acting on it for a couple of weeks, but saying I won't act on it for 2 months feels impossible, and not acting on it within the next 3 weeks is saying that, and that just makes me feel so desperate and out of control and scared.

Writing is so strange. I started writing this 45 minutes ago, and I had no idea what I was going to write. I just started writing because I felt in the mood to write, but I had no idea what, apart from the little weight rant and what I did today stuff. Then when I start writing everything just seems to pour out of me, and I start talking about things I didn't even know I was thinking about some of the time. Strange.

Tech day

I thought that today was going to be an absolute nightmare. We had the band call this morning, which I thought would probably be fine, but then we had the tech this evening, and in my experience tech rehearsals are generally a nightmare. They are the first time you get on stage with all the scenery, microphones, costumes, props etc, and generally everything that can go wrong does, and you have to repeat things endless times for the tech crew to sort X out, which is fair enough as it is their rehearsal, but it really is tedious. And of course constantly being told the rehearsal isn't for you - it is for the tech crew can be frustrating. So yes, I wasn't exactly looking forward to it - I don't think it is anyone's favourite part of a production.

I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was really stressed about one of my costumes. It is the one I have to wear for the ballet and the scene after, and I was expecting something fairly flimsy and light, and easy to dance in etc, but was given a fairly typical Victorianesque child dress - fitted body, mid calf length full skirt with a ruffle thing at the bottom, sash, etc. I was stupid - at the costume call I just checked it fitted and that the skirt was full enough for me to do the splits in, and I didn't even think about anything else. Then last night when I was trying to sleep I went into panic mode about it. I decided that a) it was too heavy and I wouldn't be able to lift my legs properly in it, b) that my pas de deux partner wouldn't be able to work with it as he is used to dancing with me in jazz pants, when he can easily grab my legs etc, without layers of fabric getting in the way, and c) that my foot would get caught on the hem attaching the ruffle bit and I would end up stuck or falling flat on my face. And basically just thinking it would be a complete and utter disaster and there would be no way I could dance in it. And I couldn't sleep because I was just getting so stressed about the whole thing and how terrible it would be. So it was late when I finally got to sleep, and then I slept really badly with loads of dreaming and waking up and tossing and turning, so I was not happy about getting up, and I was feeling pretty stressed. The day did start well as I have lost 2lbs in 2 days, so felt slightly less grotesque, and slightly more ok about being on stage and dancing etc, but I really was tired, and I just cannot shift this cold/sore throat thing I have, let alone my bad back.

I got to band call today and immediately went up to the choreographer and told her I was concerned etc. She said she had also been expecting something more floaty, and to see how I got on, and a replacement could be got if necessary. I decided to put it on at band call to give me an extra chance to try it out and see how it felt. To be fair it wasn't as terrible as it was in my head last night - I think I was catastrophising a little.... The ruffle/frill bit around the bottom is probably the biggest problem, as although there is no chance of my foot getting stuck in it like I was imagining, it is where most of the weight is, which is one of the problems both because it makes it heavier (although again, not too heavy to lift my leg like I was imagining...) and because it sets the weight of the dress in a weird position, and doesn't allow it flow like it should. It is also a shame that the material is not at all sheer/flowy as it means you can't actually see what my legs and feet are doing, which is kind of important in ballet. The dress would be absolutely fine for ensemble number dancing etc, but it just isn't right for a ballet. And because of the weird weight line it throws my balance off slightly, which isn't good. One of the chorus members had the bright idea that we could just unstitch the ruffle and get the costume woman to sew it back on before returning it to the hire place, but I am not sure about that - sounds a bit dodgy! Anyway, it wasn't as bad as I was expecting - my centre felt a bit out as I said, and you can't see my legs/feet which is a shame after all the work the choreographer has put in, but it won't be the end of the world if I have to use it - it will just be a shame. It felt worse in the band call this morning than it did during the actual tech rehearsal, but I think that is partly because the venue the band call was in had a really slippery floor, as so wasn't good for dancing in full stop. The choreographer was great about it though - I asked if the director would have a problem with me changing the dress, as he liked it at the costume call, and she said 'Well, you are my dancer, and if you aren't happy with it and I'm not happy with it, then it doesn't really matter what he thinks to be honest - it is primarily a dance costume, so I have the final say!' so it was really good to know that she would support me, as I had expected her to just say something along the lines of not being sure there was anything they could do about it etc. Her, the director, and the costumier are going to the hire place tomorrow, as there are several more costumes needed because of the ones being sent not fitting etc, so they are going to see if they can find anything more suitable for me, but if not I will just have to make do with what I have.

The actual tech rehearsal went surprisingly smoothly! I don't even like saying that, as I feel like it is somehow jinxing the dress rehearsal, but it really did! It was definitely the easiest tech I have ever been involved with. You normally have to stop so often, but I think we only had 2 proper stops, possibly 3, which is really pretty good going. There was one that affected me - the middle tabs go across at the end of the scene before the ballet, and the scene continues front of tabs as it merges into the ballet scene, and the tech crew have to change the set behind the tabs, and then the tabs open and I start the dance, but they hadn't set the scene in time, and so the music for the ballet started and the tabs were still closed, so I just danced around behind the tabs for a little while until the director stopped the show and got them to reset the previous scene and do the set change again to see if they could do it in time, and it worked fine that time, so hopefully it won't be a problem in the future. The ballet went fine, despite the dress. Dr Theatre worked his magic and stopped my back hurting the whole time I was performing, although I was in a lot of pain when I finished. The only other things I was really concerned about was a couple of things I have to do very quickly - the first is put my radio mic on after the ballet but before I have to enter for the next scene, which is about 30 seconds, but with someone helping me we managed it in time - I was a bit worried as I can't have it on for the ballet as the mic pack would probably get in the way with the lifts etc, but I have to have it on for the next scene. The other thing was a very quick costume change - I have to change out of the dress I am wearing for the ballet, which means undoing the sash, unclipping the pin mic, zipping the dress, getting out of the dress, getting out of my shoes, and then putting on a petticoat, long white socks (would have been tights, but thought socks would be quicker to get on, and look the same as the dress is long), a different dress, different ballet shoes, another sash, attaching the pin mic to the new dress, and putting in a hair slide with a bow on it in maybe a minute and a half. It is definitely a pretty quick change - one to be done in the wings for sure and with 2 people helping. We managed it with about 15 seconds to go I think, so that was pretty good - 15 seconds is a lot in a change that quick, but there is definitely not going to be time to get back to the dressing room, even though it is number 1, and therefore closest to the stage - just through the stage door. But that's ok - I have done plenty of changes in the wings before, and I seem to have someone pretty efficient helping me, so hopefully it will be fine!

In between the band call and the start of the tech I went out for a meal with some of the other cast members - the girl playing my mother, who I think is one of the most genuine, lovely people I have ever met - she is just so sweet and caring to everyone, and then 3 of the girls from the ensemble. We went to Pizza Express. It was nice. They are a really nice crowd. A couple of things were a bit difficult - firstly the obvious - eating out is always difficult for me. I desperately wanted to purge but couldn't as for some reason we all went to the toilets together at the end of the meal, so there was no way that was going to happen. So that was tough. I tried to keep telling myself it was the only meal I was going to get today and so it was ok, and that I was dancing too, but I am sure I will have gained weight tomorrow, and that will be far from ok. Then the other thing that was slightly uncomfortable was that my 'mother' mentioned her husband being away at the moment, as his 19 year old brother had died, and it turned out to be a suicide, and one of the ensemble girls said her uncle had killed himself and she had been the last person to speak to him, and so it lead into a bit of talk about suicide, and I just didn't know what to say. None of them know that I have mental health problems or anything, and it didn't seem an appropriate time to mention that I have tried to kill myself a couple of times, so I just sat there and felt a little awkward. But it was good apart from those two things.

This was meant to just be very quick before I went to bed, and I have ended up writing loads. I should have learnt by now that I am not good at writing a little bit. Luckily I don't have to be up early tomorrow. I do need to get some eyelashes at some point, as we are apparently supposed to wear false eyelashes I discovered today - I will be shit at putting them on, I might have to get the make up people to do it for me. I am just not good at things like that! There is a possibility I will have to go over to the costume hire place to try on dresses, but I expect the choreographer will sort it out without me needing to go over there. Then I have ballet 5:45 - 6:45, and then the dress rehearsal starts at 7:30. I am tempted to try and book another physio appointment for either tomorrow or Tuesday, as my back still isn't better, and maybe there is some treatment they could do now that would make more of a difference. It is better than it was, but it does still give me quite a lot of pain, and I don't think it should be 3 weeks after I hurt it, particularly with the quantity of painkillers I have been taking! Just a shame it is so expensive! I hope the dress rehearsal goes as well as the tech did - if it does then it should be a good show.