Selfish?

A friend just said to me that she worries about me every day and is relieved when she sees me online because it means I am still alive. That makes me feel really guilty. For making her worry, and because I still plan to kill myself, and therefore one day her fears will be realised. It is times like this that I want to isolate myself from everyone. The less I speak to people the less they will be hurt. I love my friends, but I feel like I am being selfish by continuing my relationships with them as I will just end up hurting them.

My dad asked me earlier if I had given up on trying to do something about my weight. My mum said to him that I wasn't fat. He didn't reply. That made me feel really good about myself.

My week so far: Part 2

I saw L. She said she had spoken to her manager as she felt I needed to see her more than once a week at the moment, and that he had given that the okay, so I am going to be seeing her twice a week for a while from next week. She said probably for 4 - 6 weeks and then we would review it. Nobody has ever seen me more than once a week before. Apart from when I have been in hospital, or under the crisis team, and that is a bit different. I have quite often had more than one appointment a week, for eg I usually see both L and N once a week, and in the past I saw my old GP, my CCO and a support worker all once a week. But not the same person more than once a week. I think it is a good thing. I am still really struggling a lot, and I would far far rather see L more often than be referred to the crisis team or something. Not that that was suggested, but I know some CCOs would do that rather than seeing someone more frequently themselves.

L also wants to take me to see some supported accomodation. I am not sure how I feel about that at the moment. Partly because of my complete inability to imagine the future I suppose. But also because I have always lived here. Apart from when I went away to uni, which didn't last for long. Sometimes I am desperate to move out and get my own place, but I rely on my Mum for a lot. She does a lot for me. She is the person who will try and get me out of bed, and who will encourage me to shower and dress, and who persuades me to go to dance classes etc, and who gets most of my meals, and who looks after my medication when it is judged that I can't be trusted with it etc etc. I am very reliant on her. Probably a lot more than I should be.

If my mum is away for any reason I end up self neglecting even more than I usually do. I don't bother eating properly - I might grab something very quick like some crisps or a slice of bread or a bowl of cereal, but that is it. I think that is partly because of my eating problems - if my mum isn't around it is a lot easier to restrict, so I often do, and partly because even if I am not restricting, I just don't have the motivation to cook meals for myself. I suppose it is laziness really. I don't know. It just seems pointless using up all that energy and effort on cooking a meal that I don't even really want. But I am 23. I should be cooking my own meals. But I know I wouldn't. I also don't leave my bed without nagging. Again, I don't see the point. The wall in my bedroom is just as good to stare at as the walls downstairs, and I have the added bonus of being cozy and comfortable in my bed. And not having to see anyone. But apparently this is not a good thing. L says I need to spend more time around people. It is apparently not good to be on my own, in my bedroom for 23+ hours a day. But I find it hard being around people. I feel like I have to put on a happy mask all the time, and I find that exhausting. It is easier to just be on my own. Then I can stare at the wall in peace.

My mum also keeps me safe to a large extent, although I doubt she even knows it. A lot of the time I don't attempt suicide because I don't want to think of her finding me, like she has on other occasions. Finding someone after a suicide attempt must be hard. It would be particularly hard if it was a successful attempt, but even with an unsuccessful attempt I think it would be harder to be the one who found the person than it would to be told that the person was in hospital following an attempt. I don't want to put my mum through that again. I never have wanted to, but sometimes things have got too overwhelming and I haven't seen another option.

So my mum does a lot for me. And I love her very much. But we also have a difficult relationship. The worse I am feeling the worse we get on, probably because I retreat more and more into myself and my room, and get very irritable and aggressive, and she gets frustrated. So we end up arguing. And shouting. And I get upset. And then I get more suicidal, because I think that the main person I am trying to live for would be better off without me. So that is difficult. And I often want to move out. I am 23. I feel like I should have my own place now, not still be living with my parents. Not relying on my parents to do everything for me. I often get frustrated living at home.

L first mentioned supported housing a month or 2 ago. She said she thought it would be good for me to live somewhere where I would be less isolated. I live in the middle of nowhere and don't drive, and my parents are out at work every day, so as well as the time I choose to spend on my own, there is also a lot of enforced isolation. She said there was somewhere in the town, quite near the CMHT, where there were supported housing flats for people with MH problems, and maybe we could go and see them one day. She is now talking about different housing though. In a different town. She thinks I need more support than the first ones would offer. At the second place there is someone there all the time, they are staffed overnight etc, not just in the daytime, and they offer higher levels of support. They also do various groups (I think social rather than therapy) that they encourage people to get involved with, whereas the first one just has support workers visiting. She said they tend to refer to the first place when people are in need of accomodation, or young people who want or need to move out of home etc, rather than because of their mental health needs as such. Obviously it is for people with mental health problems, but they aren't referred there primarily for the support. The second place is for people who are more unwell, who need more support to live on their own.

I am not sure how I feel about that. I have trouble accepting that I am unwell sometimes. I feel like I should just pull myself together and be 'normal', or I wonder if I am making it all up and there is nothing wrong with me at all and I am just pretending. I know I am not pretending really. I know how bad I feel. But I feel like I must be misleading people in some way for them to think I am ill. I find it quite difficult to get my head around at times. I think of supported housing as for people who are really ill. People who have proper mental health problems. People who have reasons for being ill. I don't. I have no reason to feel the way I do. So maybe I don't actually have mental health problems. Maybe I am just pathetic and don't cope with life well.

Part of me wants her to change her mind again and think I am well enough for the first place. Because there is nothing wrong with me. But I am not sure how I would cope. Without my mum, living somewhere without that much support I would probably completely self neglect. And I would probably end up even more isolated than I am here, which would kind of defeat the purpose. I am not sure if I would bother with food or showering or getting out of bed or anything. I don't bother much as it is - I only get dressed if I have to leave the house, and that usually isn't very often. So from that point of view maybe the second place would be better. But I don't want to be ill. She said people stay there up to 2 years, and then they help you find less supported accomodation, or just a normal rental. Does that mean I am going to be like this for another 2 years or more? I can't cope with that. I am meant to be better by now. Definitely better within the next 6 months. Totally fine by this time next year. I can't feel like this for another 2 years. I have already wasted over 6 years of my life on this. If I am going to have a life, ie not kill myself, I can't afford to spend another 2 years like this. I don't have time. I need to get on with things. Maybe I should just get a job and move to London. Stop all this illness stuff.

I just want to kill myself. I don't want to be here. Everything feels too hard. I don't want the play or dance classes or summer courses or housing or anything else. I just want to die. I can't cope. It wasn't meant to be like this.

My week so far: Part 1

Hmm, update on the week. It has ended up so long that I have split it into 2 posts. The week so far is in this post, and today's appointment with L is in the second post.

I suppose the good news is it is passing. The week that is. The even better news is that tomorrow is thursday, and after thursday there are 2 whole days where I don't have to leave the house. That probably shouldn't please me as much as it does. I am used to leaving the house maybe 3 times a week. I am having to do a lot more than that at the moment, and I think it is maybe one of the reasons why I am so exhausted all the time. Along with the terrible sleeping of course. And the constant mind whirring. And the stress of having to make a decision about something 3 months in the future.

Anyway, so far it has all happened according to plan, even if I have felt like utter shit the entire time. Monday I made us late enough that we only had time to drop in to see my niece for 20 minutes before I had to go to my ballet class. Yeah, I am a shit aunt for not wanting to spend more time with my niece, but I was exhausted and I didn't want to leave the house. I said to my mum that I wasn't going to go to my ballet class, but she said I had to go with her to see my niece even if I didn't go to the class, so I figured I may as well go, as at least if I was in a dance class I wouldn't have to be making small talk and pretending to be happy. Took a few Zopiclone monday night in the hope of getting a decent sleep. I feel like 30mg really should knock me out, especially when I haven't taken Zopiclone for 6 months (apart from the week before when I also took about that much one night). Unfortunately it doesn't. It just puts me in that drunk like state where I do things and then don't remember doing them. Like emailing L I discovered in my appointment today. Luckily I didn't say anything too ridiculous in it. But it was a bit weird when she brought it up and I had absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever - I had no idea what she was talking about.

Anyway, onto tuesday. That was yesterday. That was the rehearsal. Felt terrible. Feel like I am shit in the play. Don't even like the play. Feel way way too uncomfortable with my body to be happy with taking my top off in the play. Normally it wouldn't actually bother me too much, as although I hate my body I figure everyone wears bikinis on the beach etc, and so being in a bra with a clothed bottom half shouldn't be a big deal. That was my thinking when I agreed to do the part. That, and that I would lose a considerable ammount of weight. The losing weight hasn't happened. I am the heaviest I have been for several years. And in 2 weeks I am going to be taking my top off on stage. Fucking fantastic. Oh, and did I mention it is also entered in a drama festival so I will have to do it all again a few weeks later? Good good. Plus I can't learn my fucking lines. I don't have the concentration to look at a magazine, let alone learn lines. And this frustrates me a lot, because I have always had a brilliant memory for learning lines - I used to just be able to read a script through a couple of times and I would know it. I learnt my (large) role in a full length musical overnight once. And it never used to take me more than a week to learn a part, even if I was the lead. Now I can't learn what is basically 1 scene of dialogue. I am useless. Got to go and have the photos done tomorrow night for the newspapers. At least it won't take long.

Today went slightly wrong. L was supposed to be coming and seeing me here at half 10, then taking me into the town to see N at 12, who would then bring me back home after an hour or 2. Had a phone call from L at 10 saying that she needed to do an assessment at 11, and so could I see them the other way around instead, and that N would pick me up at half 11, and then drop me to see L at half 12, who would then drop me back home. I said that was fine. It was giving me less time with N than I usually get, but I didn't particularly care. N turned up 25 minutes late, meaning there was only 35 minutes until I was due to see L. I don't know why she is always late but she is. She had been there with L when L had changed the arrangement, so it isn't like she didn't know. But anyway. She asked if I wanted to go to Costa. I said there wasn't really time as by the time we were at the town I was due to see L in 15 minutes. So we just sat in the car for quarter of an hour.

Too much

I have too much over the next few days that I have to do. There isn't too much I can get out of either. Basically I have ballet lessons on mondays and wednesdays every week, which I sometimes skip, but I generally try and make myself go to however bad I feel. I have the advantage of knowing the syllabus so well that I can pretty much do the class on auto pilot, but because it is pretty much the only time I leave the house apart from for appointments I try to go. Plus if I don't go I get a lecture from my mum about how good it is for me to go etc, and that ends up being more hard work than going. I am also rehearsing this stupid play, as I have mentioned before. I didn't go to the rehearsal for that on friday - I emailed the director saying that I was ill. Imagine my delight when I got an answerphone message yesterday saying that they had decided to schedule an extra rehearsal for today (sunday). I called and said I was still ill. However, I really can't get out of any more. So far my week is looking like this. Everything is in the evenings unless I say otherwise, so I do at least have all day to flounder in bed, but I find it such an effort to leave the house because it involves putting on such a big act continuously, and that is draining, which isn't good when I am already exhausted.

Monday - Ballet class. However, it is also my niece's birthday, and she lives in the same town where I dance, so my mum wants us to go and see her for an hour before my class. Considering I wasn't even planning to go to the class, this is far from ideal.
Tuesday - Rehearsal. Regretting getting involved with this play more and more.
Wednesday - Appointment with L at 10:30, followed by N at 12. Then ballet class in the evening. Not terribly happy that all my support for the week is happening within 3 hours, as that leaves me the rest of the week with nothing. I usually see L on a tuesday, but she couldn't do tuesday this week.
Thursday - Photo session for the newspaper for the play. Will at least be short, but will involve putting effort into my appearance which takes too much effort.

I also have to decide this week for sure about this course in America, as the deadline for the (non refundable) deposit is this week. I am really not in the best frame of mind to be making decisions about my future, when at the moment I don't want one. The obvious choice would be to back out of that, which I could easily do. Particularly as when accepted I told myself I would only go if I had lost some weight by the time I had to pay. Which I haven't. But if I am alive in August, and doing a bit better and could have coped with it then I will be furious with myself. And even if I'm not it will become yet another thing added to my list of things to beat myself up about. Another time when I have intended to do something and then not been able to do it. Another failure.

I am feeling so overwhelmed. I am still having really strong suicidal thoughts and images etc - they aren't getting any weaker. I still can't concentrate on anything at all to distract myself. My sleep is awful and I am constantly exhausted. I had a shower and washed my hair this afternoon, as I was getting pretty disgusting to be honest, and I felt like I had run the marathon afterwards. So how am I supposed to get through the activities of the next few days? I feel pathetic. I know it looks like nothing to people who go out to work every day, or are in education, or just have really busy schedules, but it as about as full as my schedule tends to get, and it couldn't be a worse time for it. I will possibly scream if anyone suggests that the distraction will be good for me. If I was doing a bit better then that would possibly be true. But when I feel like this I just find it incredibly stressful, and I don't get distracted, I just get desperate. I want to scream anyway actually. And cry. But I am numb still. I just can't cope.

Ramblings

I am exhausted. Still. I got to sleep about half 4 in the morning I think but I kept waking up all night/morning. At about 11 I came online for a few minutes but I was too tired to keep my eyes open so I went back to sleep, but again, I just kept waking up. I think it was about 2 when I eventually gave up on sleep, so that should have been a good length night, but it was shit sleep and consequently I feel absolutely shattered. Mind you, even when I have had better nights I have still been waking up exhausted lately.

Friday I just couldn't stop crying. I didn't even know why I was crying, but I just couldn't stop. Today and yesterday I have been back to my more usual state of being quite numb, and feeling really terrible but not even being able to cry. It is weird the way some days I just can't stop crying and other days I don't cry at all, even if I am feeling the same both days.

Don't know what to do with myself yet again. That is why I am writing, but I can't even think of anything to write about. This just feels like hell. Tempted to try and go back to sleep. I am still so tired and at least I wouldn't have to cope with being awake then. Seeing L on wednesday. That feels like an eternity away.

Desperate

I feel really terrible. I don't know what to write. I don't know why I feel so bad. I just can't cope. I can't think. I feel like my brain is broken. I keep crying for absolutely no reason. There is nothing at all I can do to distract myself. I really can't do this. Everything just feels too hard right now. And like I wrote the other day, even when things aren't so bad and I am doing ok by my standards, I still never want to be alive. So I just don't see the point. I don't see the point of trying, when really nothing changes. I can't imagine ever being happy to be alive. I wish I could stop crying. I don't even know why I am crying. I feel so desperate. I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do with myself? I can't concentrate on anything. I feel so bad it physically hurts. It feels like I have never felt this bad before, like I have never been this desperate, but I know I have thought that before so I don't know if it is true or not. But this just feels completely unbearable.

Cancelled

Have just had a message from L saying she won't be able to make it as she has been called out on an emergency. Hate myself for being so needy that it made me cry.

Nothing new

Another long day. Actually it hasn't been a long day at all, as I have been asleep for most of it, but it feels like it has. I just don't know what to do with myself. Last night was hard. I really wanted to OD. In the end I took a few Zopiclone. I haven't been prescribed Zopiclone for quite a long time now, but I have some saved in my stash, and so I decided to take a few because I didn't think I could get through the night otherwise. Since I haven't taken them for so long I thought they should have regained their effectiveness and knocked me out, but it didn't really work. I took 5, but they didn't knock me out like I had hoped. I did manage to get to sleep in the end, but still slept badly and woke up lots. Felt like crap today, felt sick, I think from that nasty taste Zopiclone leaves, and like I had a hangover. Have slept on and off all day. I don't know what to do with myself when I am awake. I am writing this now because I just don't know what else to do, rather than because I have anything to say.

L rung earlier. I already can't remember what we talked about. She is coming round to see me tomorrow. Unfortunately I also have a shitty dentist appointment I have to go to tomorrow, which is just about the last thing I feel like doing when I am feeling like this. And I also have an appointment to see my GP, just my normal monthly appointment. I would cancel, because I don't want to sit through another person telling me to distract myself, but I want more Diazepam and seeing the GP is the way to get them, so I will have to. So tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Dentist at 12, L at half 2, Dr O at half 5. What an exciting day.

I don't know what to do. I do really appreciate that L is being so supportive, and making contact every day etc, but the trouble is that it is in the middle of the night that I am most at risk of acting on the thoughts, and at that point it doesn't make much difference to me if I have had a phone call that afternoon or not. To be honest, at this point things are feeling so bad that I think the only way I could not overdose is if I was in hospital, and that isn't happening. I do feel guilty, because I know I will upset people, but I just can't cope.

Appointments today

So I had 2 appointments today. First with N, and then one with Dr E and L. When N arrived we stayed here for a little while and then went to the town. We were planning to go into Costa but I didn't want to be around people so we just sat in the car.

Then I had my appointment with Dr E and L. Again, I can only remember bits of it - I was kind of drifting in and out. They asked what the hardest thing was at the moment, and I said the suicidal thoughts and how I couldn't get a break from them because of not having the concentration to do anything, and so I couldn't distract myself. Dr E asked some questions that I can't really remember, I just know I couldn't answer. Things about seeing L, and what was helping and what I was learning etc. She also asked why things are so bad at the moment, and what was causing it. I said I didn't know. She asked if it was because N is leaving. I said no. L mentioned that a while back I jokingly said that I was cursed because everyone that I see ends up going off sick long term, or leaving. Dr E really latched onto this and said I was feeling like this because of N leaving. I said I really didn't think it was. She said it was and that I was feeling rejected and abandoned. I didn't have the energy to argue so I just didn't say anything more about it. For the record I really do not think it has anything to do with N leaving. If L was leaving then absolutely, I would be a mess, but although I like N I do not feel attached to her, and whilst it is a shame she is leaving I am not upset about it.

They asked what would be helpful. L asked if it would help if she called me every day. I was very honest and said that I was feeling so suicidal that I really couldn't imagine not killing myself and that I couldn't even make myself think about tomorrow or next week as in my mind they don't exist. L said she would ring tomorrow. Dr E told me I needed to distract myself, which made me wonder if she had heard anything I had said earlier on in the appointment. She told me to go for a walk, which made me laugh hysterically for no real reason, which turned into crying. She kept saying that they understood how hard it was, and that they were there to support me, which whilst well meaning, came across as rather patronising given that I haven't seen her since January, and therefore she isn't really a source of support for me. L saying that would be fine, as she actually does support me, but it just seemed a bit trite coming from someone I haven't seen for 3 months. She also gave me the usual speech about what a talented, intelligent girl I am, and what a shame it was to see me like this. I never find that a helpful comment, and it baffles me when people who have never seen me perform say that I am talented. I said that I was completely exhausted and I just need to make everything stop.

There was no mention of medication, so I am assuming that L had already spoken to Dr E about that before I saw them and that Dr E had vetoed that idea. So overall it was much as I had expected really. I was particularly useless and bad at speaking, and whilst what I have written here is the jist of what I said, it was rather more confused and muttered with the odd staring into space and having to be brought back to earth to continue what I was saying etc. But at least I have been completely honest about my suicidal intent, so nobody can say I should have told someone how I was feeling or anything, as I clearly have done so.

Dead inside

I am so exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. This probably won't be very long. I saw L this morning, and I spoke to her on the phone yesterday. Today was hard. I can't think. My brain is broken. It is full of fuzz and I can't think properly. The appointment is a bit hazy. I do remember odd bits, but a lot of it I don't. I think I spent most of the time just staring at my shoes. Even forming words feels like an enormous effort. And my head feels too heavy. I remember saying at one point that I thought it was going to fall off because it was too heavy, and L asked me if I was ok to carry on. I have an appointment with Dr E tomorrow, the rearranged one from when she was off sick last time. L is going to be there too. I am supposed to think about anti depressants tonight. About whether I want to go back on them, and if so have any helped more than others. L said I seem really quite depressed and that interferes with your cognitive functioning and makes therapy almost impossible, and that going back on medication might help lift my mood enough to let me think again. I am still planning to try and kill myself so it doesn't really make a lot of difference to me whether Dr E gives me anti depressants or not. She said I looked like I needed to go home and sleep. I said my mum would be angry with my if I did that, but I think I am going to anyway. She will be out at work for the next few hours and what she knows won't hurt her. I don't know what to do with myself when I am awake.

Same old...

Thank you for all the support over the last few days. I am still feeling much the same. I am still planning to kill myself. I am having difficulty deciding when though. Like I said the other day, part of me feels like I should speak to someone first, but the only person I feel comfortable talking to would be L, so if I do that I can't do anything until after monday, but waiting until monday means waiting until thursday for various reasons, and that feels like an impossibly long time. So I don't know.

My relationship with my mum is not good at the moment. Whenever I am not doing well we seem to get on worse. She keeps telling me I am grumpy and lazy and selfish and boring and moody and how difficult I am to live with. Which is probably true, and I am probably more irritable when I am feeling really bad, and I definitely isolate myself more, but hearing that is like validation of everything I already feel about myself. And it just makes me think how much better off she would be without me.

No better

Things aren't getting any easier. I really wish I had killed myself when my mum was away. Even just writing this is taking a massive ammount of effort. I can't seem to do much apart from lay in bed staring at the wall. I can't think properly or concentrate. I feel really isolated. Whenever things get really bad and I retreat like this my mum tells me I am being selfish and only thinking about myself, and that if I stopped thinking about myself and thought about other people then everything would be better. She doesn't understand how I am feeling. How much I am fighting. If I wasn't thinking about other people then I would have killed myself years ago. I am not living for me. My grandad is staying at the moment. Which makes it even worse because it means him and my mum are here all the time, and I get nagged about being rude and anti social and spending all my time in my room. I can't cope. I am so fucking sick of being told how well I am doing and how strong I am. I need a break at least, I can't keep doing this. I wanted to write to get everything out of my head, but my brain feels like mush. I can't think properly. I just know I can't do this.

Spending all my time in bed apart from when I have to go out to appointments, or to get food etc is pretty normal for me. I do it most of the time. But I am usually at least doing things. Reading, or watching TV, or doing something on the computer. But at the moment I can't seem to do anything except laying in bed, just staring. Even typing this is exhausting me. I get really frustrated with myself if I try to read because I just can't concentrate and it doesn't make sense to me. I watched an entire film on TV yesterday and I haven't got a fucking clue what it was about. I couldn't tell you anything about it, except that Morgan Freeman was in it. Plot? No idea. Can't concentrate enough to read lots of the blogs I read, unless they are short updates written very simply. So doing nothing seems the obvious thing to do. But I can't do that either because my mind is so completely taken over by all the suicidal thoughts. It is like my brain has been programmed to think about nothing but suicide. I just can't cope with all the thoughts in my head. I feel like I am going to explode. I can't do it, I can't cope. I am going to kill myself, and if it doesn’t work then I will just keep trying until it does. Just need to find the right time.

Tiring day

N arrived to see me about 1, as planned. We went to the local town, about 15 mins away, that we usually go to. I needed to pick up a prescription, but got there 2 minutes after the pharmacy part of Boots had closed for lunch, so we needed to kill an hour. Went into Costa. Had a drink, and a cupcake which I threw up in the toilets. Talked a little bit about how I was feeling, but not that much. It more or less consisted of yes, I am still feeling really shit. Yes, my sleep is still dreadful. Yes, I am having suicidal thoughts. She didn't ask me anything about the suicidal thoughts, ie whether I had a plan or was likely to act on them or anything, so I didn't say. Saved the whole A&E debacle that I am sure would have been inevitable if I had talked about that. Got prescription, she dropped me home. I was really tired from not enough sleep last night, and was planning to go back to bed for a nap.

Got home. Was locked out of the house. I don't carry a key around because I lose keys. We live in the middle of nowhere and pretty much never lock our back door. My dad had locked it this morning. That shouldn't have been a problem though, as we always keep a key in a hidden place, for cases such as this. The key wasn't there. Phoned my mum, apparently she had lost it a couple of weeks ago. Phoned my dad. He said he wouldn't be able to get home until about half 5 at the earliest. This was at about 2:45. My next door neighbour was out so I couldn't even go around there. I was already feeling shit and wishing I hadn't got out of bed before I even got home, so not being able to get into the house was the last straw. I sat on the front step and sobbed. Tried to call my sister (who lives in the town I had just been in with N) as I thought she might have a key. Couldn't get hold of her. After about half an hour she called back. She didn't have a key, but was out with my next door neighbour and was only about 5 minutes away, and could take me back to her house until my dad got back from work. Another half hour later she turned up and took me back to hers. So I had had a lovely hour sitting on the front step. Typically I didn't even have my ipod or a book in my bag, so the vast majority of that time was spent crying and thinking about killing myself. I was cold and tired and pissed off.

My sister picked me up and took me back to hers. As well as her 2 boys, she has my niece staying with her, so there were 3 children under the age of 5 in the house, so it was rather chaotic, which I could have done without. At about 5:30 I remembered that I had to be back in this town at 7:30 for a rehearsal for the play that I have already mentioned not wanting to be in. I called my dad and said it obviously wasn't worth him picking me up at 6, for us to have less than an hour at home before needing to leave for the rehearsal so I would stay at my sisters. After attempting, and failing, to feed my 6 month old nephew his dinner I decided I had really had enough and said I was going to go and have a lie down. Had a nap for about half an hour. Then had to go off to the rehearsal.

Can anyone please come up with a reason, any reason at all, why I would have agreed to play a part that involves taking my top off on stage in an attempt to give another character an erection?! No, nor can I. I can't even look at myself in a mirror because I find my body so repulsive. So this play was a real stroke of genius on my part.

Finally got home at about 10, having been out for 9 hours. I feel like shit. I have really strong urges to hurt myself. No, not hurt myself, kill myself. Keep thinking that my mum won't be home until mid afternoon tomorrow, so if I took an overdose now, I would have 14 hours or so before anyone found me. Trying to tell myself that the same would apply most days - although my mum would usually be here, there would be no reason for her to come in my room, so I would have a clear 12 hours or so any night. I just want to do it now though. I am so exhausted. I really can't keep going like this. I was talking online to a friend earlier, and she was saying about fighting the thoughts etc, and I just thought about how long I have been doing that for (or trying to - there have been a few attempts along the way). I have felt like this for so long. I have wanted to die for years now, with no real breaks in that feeling. Ok, there have been times that have been better than others, and times when it has been easier to cope with, but I doubt very much if there has been any point in say the last 5 years, when given the choice between living and dying (without hurting people), I would have chosen living. I realise that the not hurting people caveat is not something I can control, and is the sole reason why I haven't just continuously acted on these thoughts until it has worked. But I just feel like I have been having to deal with these thoughts for so long, and I just can't fucking do it. Actually, that isn't true. I could. But I don't want to.

Not sure quite what to do now. I really want to just give in to the thoughts. But part of me feels like I owe it to the people that care about me to tell someone, ie a professional, not a friend, just how bad things are before I act on it. I suppose ask for help one last time. But if they can't suggest anything helpful, and just tell me to try and distract myself and tell me how well I am doing, then fine, I can do whatever the fuck I want. I can act on the thoughts without feeling guilty about it, because I will have done everything I can. Oh, but I refuse to go to A&E, because I have done that many a time, and I can think of better things to do with 5 hours than sit around there and then be patronised by the crisis team. Does that sound fair?

Interesting fact for the day - I was looking over my blog statistics. My absolute favourite google search that has lead someone to my blog is 'BPD crazed rant'.

I have already changed my mind about the being honest thing. There is nobody I trust enough to be that honest with apart from L, and she isn't back until next week. I can't tell some random person at the CMHT. I have had too many shit experiences in the past, of being made to go to A&E, and having the police sent round etc. I can't do it.

What to do

I don't know what to do with myself. I can't concentrate on anything, I can't distract myself. L is off this week. I don't trust anyone else. I am due to see N tomorrow, but I know that if I am honest with her about how I am feeling I will end up being sent to A&E to be assessed. She is just a support worker so would have to speak to one of the other CPNs or SWs and I know what the result of that would be.

I had a weird dream last night. It was today and N was coming, and my mum had gone away (as she has) and N arrived but I was still asleep, and I looked out the window and saw her car, so I tried to go down to the door but I got lost and there was loads of stuff blocking my way, and I couldn't find the door, and then I saw her driving off. I kept trying to get hold of her but I couldn't. The night before last I dreamt I was in hospital, and for some reason I was supposed to be on a meal plan, but I thought it was too much food, so I wanted to speak to the dietican, but then they just kept forgetting to give me any food at all, so I just kept quiet. I don't know why I am having these random dreams. I am not sleeping too well. Lots of dreams about suicide with all different endings. Sometimes I die, and sometimes I end up in a psych ward, and sometimes medical ward. In reality I don't know what will happen.

Suicidal thoughts

I haven't written anything for a while. I have been feeling really low, and there didn't seem much point in writing about how I am planning to kill myself etc. I have had some patches that have been easier that have generally lasted an hour or 2. But even in those times I have been planning, and I think in a weird way it has been the thought of not being here that has made it easier to cope with, because I can see an end. That might not make any sense. But I know that even when I have been feeling a bit better I have been thinking a lot about suicide. I am not really sure what to say. I am still here and I still don't want to be.

It's no good

I am struggling too much. I feel really terrible. I have been like a zombie this afternoon and evening. Everything suddenly just feels too much to deal with and I feel desperately suicidal. Planning planning planning. I didn't go to the rehearsal tonight. I was really dizzy all afternoon/evening, to the point where it was difficult to stand/walk. I don't know what caused it. I felt fine apart from that, so I don't think it is illness. I did purge earlier, which I suppose could be related, but that usually just makes me a bit dizzy for a few minutes, not like this. So I said I wasn't well. I was relieved to have a get out. I didn't want to go. Have eaten like a pig today. For some reason I was just really hungry and had no self control. I did purge, but even if you take out that food I still ate too much. I suppose it won't matter what I weigh when I am dead anyway. I really can't keep going. I feel too exhausted and too desperate and I just can't cope with life anymore. I have felt like this for too long and I just can't do it anymore.

Exhausted

Finding today quite difficult. As a result of the chocolate I ate yesterday my weight was up 0.4lbs, which I know isn't much, but I have had more chocolate again today, so it will be up again tomorrow, and probably for a few days as there is lots of chocolate around. It is really difficult for me to cope with my weight going up again. I just had a piece of baked cheesecake that my sister had made earlier, and now I feel so sick, and really desperately want to purge, but I can't because my parents are here and I would get caught. I feel horrible.

I feel totally exhausted. I think both physically and emotionally. Physically because I have been sleeping so badly lately - I never wake up not still feeling really worn out, and emotionally because my head just never stops - it is on overdrive all the time at the moment and I am finding it really difficult.

I have a rehearsal tomorrow. I am rehearsing a 1 act play. It is the first production I have done for a long time. I have only had 1 rehearsal so far. I already wish I wasn't doing it. I am already thinking of excuses for missing rehearsals, and how many I can realistically get away with not going to. I have no bloody concentration whatsoever, so I have no clue how I thought I would learn my lines, and I just don't actually give a shit about it. I should never have got involved, but it was one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time. 2 weeks later and I think it was a crap idea. 5 years ago I would have been enthusiastic, but now I just don't care about anything. I try and make myself do thing like this play, and dance classes, but I don't enjoy them. I do them because I feel like I should enjoy them. Because I know that if I was well I would. But I'm not and I don't. I just don't fucking want to be here. I want to die.

Seeing L tomorrow.

Future

I haven't posted anything for a couple of days because I haven't really felt like I have had that much to say. Basically things have been more of the same. I am still struggling a lot with low mood/eating/suicidal thoughts.

One thing I have noticed that really brings on the suicidal thoughts hard is thinking about the future. I find it so utterly overwhelming and impossible to think about, and end up feeling really desperate, which leads to me wanting to kill myself. I am not quite sure how to resolve this, and it is difficult as it ends up really affecting my life, as I won't commit to doing things even a week or 2 in advance often, let alone months, as I just find it too hard to think ahead like that, and so then I end up not doing things and missing out on things I have wanted to do. Sometimes it is little things, and it doesn't matter that I miss out on them, or I can do them at short notice etc, but it also applies to bigger things, like going on holiday or to visit friends, or courses etc, and sometimes I do regret not doing these things. I suppose I am partly thinking about all of this so much, because I recently (ish) did a video audition for a musical theatre summer course in the USA, which I was accepted onto, and so my mind is now going into overdrive about it. Do I go or do I not go? It is a great opportunity, and I will be really annoyed with myself if I miss it, but can I cope with being away from home for a month? Can I cope with no support for a month? I was in a similar situation last year, in that I was offered a place on a summer MT course in the USA (although not as good, and in the long run I don't regret not going) and was really divided about what to do about it. I decided not to go, and it was the right decision, partly because I don't think the course would have been as good as I had hoped, but also because I really struggled a lot both depression and eating wise last summer - I was severely restricting my food intake, and basically spent the whole summer feeling terrible, very low mood, very suicidal etc. I don't know what would have happened if I had gone away, and felt like that there.

It also sets off my insecurities about myself as a performer. Am I good enough? Am I wasting my time/money on things like this? Should I just forget the whole thing? As I have discussed before, performing is really the only thing that has ever meant anything to me, and I already have a lot of (reasonable) concerns about my chances of becoming professional, but that is all I have wanted for as long as I can remember, and I don't know what I would do if I dismissed that as an option. My age is starting to become an issue - not really for acting, but certainly for musical theatre, which has always been my first love. Then talent wise, I am nothing special really. Acting is my strongest - I have always considered myself an actress that sings and dances, and I suppose I am a reasonably good actress, but I really don't know if I am good enough. I am definitely only a mediocre dancer - I have always considered that my weakest discipline. Singing... singing is a problem. I used to be a fairly strong singer - not outstanding, but I was ok. But for the last couple of years I have had problems with my voice, and so for the last year I really haven't sung at all, because I don't want to make it worse. The next paragraph is probably boring, so if you want to skip it then do.

I saw ENT, and was referred for speech therapy to correct a problem with my vocal cords not meeting properly. When I finally got to the top of the waiting list they said they didn't treat singers. After that was when I switched GP, and so I was re-referred for speech therapy last year, to somewhere that will treat singers. Still hadn't heard anything 9 months after the referral went off, so asked my GP to chase it. Have since had a letter from them saying that as it is over a year since I saw ENT I have to go back to them before they will see me. So I now have an ENT appointment for the end of May. Goodness knows when I will actually get to see someone who can help me. So this is something of a problem, both long term career wise, but also short term. Am I stupid even considering doing an intensive musical theatre summer course when I have a problem with my voice?! Probably. But when I applied I was hoping I would have seen the speech therapist and I would be on the way to having my voice back at full health. Doesn't look like that is going to happen now.

So do I go for the course or not? I just don't know. I have been very enthusiastic about it to my parents etc, said I will definitely be doing it, no qualms etc etc. It does look amazing, and I have heard nothing but very positive comments from people who have done it in the past. But can I cope emotionally with it, and will my voice be up to it? I don't know. I don't want this to be yet another thing that I have intended to do and not gone through with. There are so bloody many of them. So many jobs and courses that I have intended to do and then turned down. Or things I have started and then failed almost immediately.

And what about longer term future? Ignoring talent and the small matter of getting accepted for a moment, am I ever going to be well enough to move away and go to drama school? To do 50+ hours training a week? And if so when? When will I be well enough? When it is too late and I am too old? And realistically, will I ever be good enough? Am I talented enough? I really don't know. But I do know it is the only thing that has ever meant anything to me, and made me happy. And it sounds ridiculous, but if that is not going to happen then that is another big thing in favour of not being here. I don't know. I just feel like there are so many negatives to living, and so few positives. In fact, there are no positives for me - there is just me living for other people. And I am so fucking sick of that. I just don't see the point. And even if someone said that in 5 years time I would be living in London on my own, with an acting job, maybe in a relationship, I don't know if that would be enough to make me want to live. It still wouldn't be enough to make living like this at the moment worthwhile. And if everything I have ever wanted isn't enough to make me want to be alive then what on earth am I doing?

Difficult day

Today has been quite difficult. One of those days where I just really haven't known what to do with myself. I just feel a bit lost and have kind of been drifting all day. My concentration is generally pretty poor, but I can usually keep myself occupied by flitting from one thing to another, so I go on a few different websites, and then read for a bit, and then do emails/blogging for a while, watch some TV, play a computer game, and then just kind of repeat the cycle until the day is gone. But sometimes when I am struggling that just doesn't seem to work for me, and today is one of those days. I try to do the things I usually do, but the websites don't interest me, and I can't concentrate on the book - I either find myself reading the same page over and over trying to get it into my head, or I just read the way I usually would but then realise I haven't got a bloody clue what is going on and who half the characters are. TV and music are irritating me. So then it turns into a staring into space day where I just spend time laying about staring at walls. I keep trying to do things, but I just can't focus properly on any of it.

I have also been feeling very stressed by tiny things. Weighing myself when I first got up was the first thing to stress me, and since then it just seems like everything has. Food has been difficult. I am finding it really difficult to trust any food after yesterday - it all feels really scary and unsafe. Actually, everything feels like that at the moment - not just food. It is the whole world. It feels scary and too much to deal with. Every decision feels momentous, even if it is a really tiny thing. I am so exhausted. I wish there was a way I could escape from life for a while. Get away from the constant fighting with myself.

Weight

I feel crap. My weight was only down 0.2lbs today. That is nothing. I don't know why I bother trying. Ok, the cereal was a lot more calories than I realised, but I have been having that every day. Even with the cereal I must have only had about 700 calories yesterday. I had a slice of bread and peanut butter, some lettuce, cucumber, carrot and pepper, and the cereal. Surely I should have lost some weight? It isn't fair, my body is so fucked. I know the whole starvation mode crap, but what am I supposed to do? If I eat more than about 1000kcals I gain weight. Maintain on about 800 - 1000. So to lose weight I have to go under that. Which I am doing. And it isn't working. I feel so shit about myself, I don't know what to do now. I know logically exercise would be the sensible thing to do, but when I exercise it makes me hungry so I eat more, and so any calories I burn off are replaced by calories I eat because of how hungry it makes me, so that is totally counter productive. I just don't know what to do. I should cut out the peanut butter, but it is the only protein I get. I could replace it with cheese, but that is no better. I feel totally overwhelmed by everything. Everything has too many fucking calories. I am never going to lose weight.

Easter

My weight was down by 0.4lb today. I was disappointed. I shouldn't have been disappointed - at least it was down. But I wanted more. Weight loss gets you like that. It is never enough. And the 2 days before this it has been significantly more - 1lb the first day, 1.6lbs the second day. So it seems unfair that today was so much less, when I didn't eat any more. But that's the way it goes I guess. It is still 3lbs in 3 days, which is good going. I just wanted it to be more. I am getting more and more stressed about Easter. I really can't cope with my weight going up, it has to keep going down, I really really need it to. And it won't. And I don't know how I will cope with that. Tomorrow is Good Friday. That means my mum will buy Hot Cross Buns (we're not a religious family, but we do follow traditions). And there is no way I will get away with not eating one. And that one bun will have about half the calories of my daily intake in. That scares me. Where can I cut out the calories from so I don't gain weight? And then Easter Sunday. Chocolate day. Easter Egg day. How many Easter Eggs will I get? I know my mum has got me one. Probably the same one as I have got her, as I got it because it was half price and looked really good (£4.50 instead of £9 - bargain!). And she will have seen that as well, so it wouldn't suprise me if she got the same one for me. We bought each other the same Easter Egg last year too. Then I expect my dad will get me one. He tends to buy posh ones. I don't know why. That will probably not be too big as it will probably be posh and therefore expensive. This is a good thing, as if it is smaller it will have less calories. I don't know if my sister will have got me one or not. I am torn between my greed hoping she has, and my desperation to lose weight hoping she hasn't. And then I kind of bought a spare one. As did my mum. I got it because I was getting my dad one and they were buy one get one free. So I thought my mum and I could share the free one, because I was having a greedy moment. My mum did the same thing. So we are overrun with fucking Easter Eggs. Thousands and thousands of calories of chocolate will be around. What am I supposed to do? Ordinarily I don't worry about it too much, as although it is a lot of chocolate I don't gorge on it - I just have some Easter Egg chocolate when I fancy chocolate, instead of having normal chocolate. But I am not having chocolate at the moment. So it can't be a replacement, it will be an extra. And I can't deal with extra. I should have just said I didn't want any Easter Eggs this year, but I am too greedy for that. Now I am terrified by the whole thing.

EDIT Oh my goodness. I am completely traumatised. I just went to get some dry cereal as a snack. I do this most evenings. I reckon on it being about 200kcals, which is quite a lot, but it fills me up reasonably well. Per serving (with milk) they say it is 255kcal. So I thought without the milk I was having about 200kcals. Today for some reason I had decided I would weigh it, because I wanted to know for sure I was about right. I poured out a bowl and weighed it. Then reweighed it, because I was sure it couldn't be as heavy as that. It was. It was over 100g. I took some out. I made it exactly 100g. It didn't look a terribly big bowl of cereal. Just your kind of average bowl. I looked at the nutritional information. Without milk, therefore how I have it as a snack, 100g has 416kcals. It is a fucking bowl of cereal! I could have half a pizza for that! I could have 2 chocolate bars! I could have 3 slices of bread! I had absolutely NO idea I was eating that many calories. Sure, I knew how many calories the cereal had per 100g, but I had no idea I was having anything like 100g - I assumed what they call a portion in the nutritional info would be a normal bowlful, and it clearly isn't. Cereal is now very much off the safe foods list, I am never bloody having it again. I am so bloody upset by this stupid fucking cereal. FUCK. I hate myself for being so bloody stupid. Why did I not ever think to weigh it before? I am going to weigh everything I eat from now on. My so called snack has more calories in it than the rest of my day.