Support

I'm not really sure what to say. I am feeling bad. I saw L this morning. It was fine, but I just felt completely numb throughout it really. I am having trouble to really concentrate and think properly. There is also some not great news that I could have done without at the moment - I am going to have to switch from seeing her weekly to fortnightly. She is having to cut down on her hours for personal reasons, which means that some people are being switched to other care coordinators, and then some people that she has been seeing fortnightly will be switched to monthly, and those like me who were being seen weekly are being switched to fortnightly. I understand why it is necessary, but that doesn't make it any easier, particularly when I am feeling as terrible as I have been lately, and now am supposed to get through the next two weeks alone. I can't help comparing the support I have now, with what I was getting this time last year - last year I was seeing L weekly, and then also my old support worker N weekly for a couple of hours, and my psychiatrist Dr E monthly. I am now reduced to seeing L fortnightly. If this was due to an improvement in how I was doing then that would be great, but it isn't - it is unfortunately almost entirely due to staff circumstances.

N's job was cut due to funding issues - she was only on a one year contract with MIND and was then seconded to the CMHT, but MIND had their funding cut, and so her contract was not renewed, so there was no longer a support worker for me to see. That didn't bother me too much - I liked her, but I didn't have any attachment issues with her, and although sometimes it was nice to get out the house with her etc, it wasn't too difficult to stop seeing her as I still had L, who was my main source of support. My psychiatrist stopped seeing me because she had stopped all of my medications except my PRN Diazepam, which meant that she no longer felt like it was necessary to see me. Again, I didn't really have an issue with that as 15 minutes every month or two with her never felt particularly helpful, and I didn't really feel like she listened to me much. Now my contact with L is being cut because of her circumstances, which is really difficult, as essentially that hour or so a week I spend with her is the only time all week that I feel able to actually be honest about how I am feeling, and can be around someone without feeling a need to put on a front and pretend everything is fine.

Throughout my appointment I couldn't stop thinking how much I wanted to die, and how I desperately didn't still want to be alive in 2 weeks, and also what a long way away that felt, and how was I possibly meant to get through that on my own. I just felt like sitting there and crying my eyes out, but I didn't want to make her feel guilty about something that isn't her fault and that she can't do anything about. When I left I wanted to burst into tears but I couldn't because I was then in the car with my mum and a) she wouldn't have understood why only seeing L fortnightly was such a big deal, and b) I don't like showing emotion like that - I have never been good at it, and I just feel awkward and uncomfortable. I am on my own now but I just feel numb.

I have been really struggling with my weight and eating lately. Whenever my mood goes down I get increasingly fixated on my weight, and since it is post Christmas that isn't really helping at the moment. I gained a couple of pounds over Christmas, which I was expecting and so could kind of accept. But now Christmas is all over, and I am still struggling with it. I always find that when I start eating more often, like I was over Christmas, I find it more difficult to go back to my usual eating patterns, and that is the only way that I am ever able to control my weight. It doesn't help that I still have some chocolates left over from Christmas that I am working my way through, but it is more than that - I am just eating more generally than I feel comfortable with. On Saturday I was back down to my pre-Christmas weight (which is still higher than I was to be), but then Saturday and Sunday I ate too much, and so gained a pound, and expect I have gained even more as I ate a lot yesterday, but I haven't weighed today because I had to be up early to go and see L, and I have particular times I will weigh myself. But my middle of the night weight last night was considerably higher than the night before, and that is generally a fairly accurate indicator. I feel disgusting. I hate myself for being so greedy. And yet I feel so shit, and food is somehow comforting, despite being distressing at the same time. So I am comfort eating I suppose, and yet not even remotely comforting because it makes me feel shit. I don't know. I am just desperate I suppose, and in a way it feels like I may as well eat whatever the hell I want, because it isn't going to matter anyway if I am dead.

I don't know. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to cope with things. I don't know how I am expected to get through my life with one hour of support every two weeks. I don't even feel like I want to at the moment. I feel like such a fucking mess, and I am bloody exhausted.

Hmph

Since I have taken quite a few Zopiclone lately I decided I needed more to replenish my supplies, and so that I would have some to take to help me sleep. I rung my GP surgery yesterday. Dr O doesn't work on a tuesday, which I thought was probably a good thing as she was unlikely to give me any. I asked to speak to a different GP, who I have known for years, but don't ever see because I used to know him outside of the GP/patient relationship, and so feel a bit awkward talking to him about my mental health problems, plus I am more comfortable talking to women. Anyway, I thought I would be able to get him to prescribe some Zopiclone. When I rung they said he was out on home visits and they would ask him to call me before afternoon surgery. He didn't ring back, I didn't know why. I got a call from Dr O earlier today saying that the Dr hadn't got the message to call me yesterday, so she was calling. I asked her about the Zopiclone, and somewhat suprisingly she agreed. She said she would give me 14 tablets, and to take one every other night so they would last a month. Since I need at least 2 to get any effect I thought they would probably last about a week, if that, but I decided not to push my luck and ask for more. But she then said she would want my mum to pick them up and dispense them because she didn't trust me with them. I said that would be difficult because it would be hard for my mum to get to the pharmacy to pick them up, and I could pick them up that afternoon when I was with N. She asked me to promise that I wouldn't overdose on them and said she was giving them to me to help on and not so that I could overdose on them, and that she would be really upset if I did that. I said I wouldn't and that I just wanted to get some sleep. I justified this in my head by thinking that I wouldn't use *these* Zopiclone to OD on, I would use the old ones, and I would just use these ones to get some sleep. Probably.

This afternoon I had my last ever appointment with N. I was seeing her at 2 and she hadn't booked in anyone else for the afternoon so that we had a few hours. We went to a different town and wandered around the shops and that sat in Cafe Nero for a little while. On the way home I decided to pick up my prescription. I went into the pharmacy and asked for it, and the pharmacist stood looking at the script for a minute and then came over, looking a little awkward, and showed me a note that the GP had written on the script saying that it was only to be dispensed to my mum. He said he wasn't really sure what to do as he wasn't used to getting notes like that on prescriptions and would my mum be able to pick it up. I was fuming inside, and felt like a complete tit, but just said that my mum wouldn't be able to get it today but that hopefully she would be able to get it tomorrow. It was a very awkward situation. I was embarrassed - I am 23 years old and I wasn't allowed to pick up my own prescription, and he seemed embarrassed that it said not to give it to me. I underestimated my GP. I thought I had managed to persuade her that it was all fine, and I clearly hadn't - she obviously wasn't fooled. Dr O - 1, Bip - 0. I then had to go back to the car and tell N that I hadn't been able to get my prescription. Tried to fob her off by saying it was a long story, but she asked why not so I then had to explain that my GP had written a note saying that my mum should pick them up. She seemed slightly confused and asked if my GP thought I was that at risk or if this was a regular thing, and I just said I didn't know.

I am annoyed. Now I don't get my Zopiclone how I want them. Unless I can persuade my mum to give them to me. Which I doubt will work. I get pissed off when my plans don't work out right.

N dropped me off and I said goodbye to her, and gave her a card I had bought for her. I do feel a bit sad that I won't be seeing her anymore, but I have had other endings that have been much more difficult and emotional. I suppose I know I still have L, and it is her that I really rely on, and who is my main support, and yes, who I am attached to. I am seeing her tomorrow. She is taking me to have a look at the housing that I talked about before. I guess at least then I will know what it is like, and be in a better position to judge if it is something I am at all interested in or not. She said she would pick me up just before 10. I said she was cruel and that I will still be unconscious. She said she was looking forward to seeing me bright eyed and bushy tailed. No chance! I am going to attempt not to mention the Zopiclone fiasco to her - I am not sure that she would be pleased I have managed to get more, as she knows that I have some and that I have been taking it fairly liberally.

Election day tomorrow! Come on the Greens! Really hoping the Tories don't get a majority. I think it is unlikely, but I am slightly concerned...

The weekend

It's been a hard weekend. Friday night was the worst. The Zopiclone saturday night made that night slightly easier to cope with. Last night was hard. I really wanted to OD. The lovely Em was enormously supportive and spent the night chatting with me on MSN until about half 4 this morning. She was fantastic, and I honestly don't know if I would have got through last night without her. I am really hoping tonight will be slightly easier. The nights I find worst are the ones when I know I would have a long time before anyone would find me, because those are the ones an OD would be most likely to work. I am seeing L tomorrow morning, and my mum has tuesday mornings off work, so a monday night would be an unlikely night for me to take an OD, as there would be less chance of it working than if I did it a different night. And if I know I can't do it, then hopefully I can think about it less too. That is the theory anyway. It works to some extent.

Today was a bit stressful. Lots of family over, and I find that hard. Just too much noise and too many people, and I ended up with a headache all afternoon/evening. I don't like having people over really. It's ok for about half an hour and then I want them to go.

Anyway, yes, I am seeing L tomorrow. I also have a stupid rehearsal in the evening. I am seeing N on wednesday. That will be my last appointment with her as this is her last week. Then I have a ballet class wednesday night. Thursday I am seeing L again. Thinking about the next few days stresses me. It would be very difficult to find any night that I see as a potential OD night, and that makes me feel trapped. I am still just having such strong suicidal thoughts. They are getting stronger if anything, and I just don't know what to do except give in to them. I have tried fighting them, and things aren't getting any easier at all. So maybe now it is time to give in to them.

My week so far: Part 1

Hmm, update on the week. It has ended up so long that I have split it into 2 posts. The week so far is in this post, and today's appointment with L is in the second post.

I suppose the good news is it is passing. The week that is. The even better news is that tomorrow is thursday, and after thursday there are 2 whole days where I don't have to leave the house. That probably shouldn't please me as much as it does. I am used to leaving the house maybe 3 times a week. I am having to do a lot more than that at the moment, and I think it is maybe one of the reasons why I am so exhausted all the time. Along with the terrible sleeping of course. And the constant mind whirring. And the stress of having to make a decision about something 3 months in the future.

Anyway, so far it has all happened according to plan, even if I have felt like utter shit the entire time. Monday I made us late enough that we only had time to drop in to see my niece for 20 minutes before I had to go to my ballet class. Yeah, I am a shit aunt for not wanting to spend more time with my niece, but I was exhausted and I didn't want to leave the house. I said to my mum that I wasn't going to go to my ballet class, but she said I had to go with her to see my niece even if I didn't go to the class, so I figured I may as well go, as at least if I was in a dance class I wouldn't have to be making small talk and pretending to be happy. Took a few Zopiclone monday night in the hope of getting a decent sleep. I feel like 30mg really should knock me out, especially when I haven't taken Zopiclone for 6 months (apart from the week before when I also took about that much one night). Unfortunately it doesn't. It just puts me in that drunk like state where I do things and then don't remember doing them. Like emailing L I discovered in my appointment today. Luckily I didn't say anything too ridiculous in it. But it was a bit weird when she brought it up and I had absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever - I had no idea what she was talking about.

Anyway, onto tuesday. That was yesterday. That was the rehearsal. Felt terrible. Feel like I am shit in the play. Don't even like the play. Feel way way too uncomfortable with my body to be happy with taking my top off in the play. Normally it wouldn't actually bother me too much, as although I hate my body I figure everyone wears bikinis on the beach etc, and so being in a bra with a clothed bottom half shouldn't be a big deal. That was my thinking when I agreed to do the part. That, and that I would lose a considerable ammount of weight. The losing weight hasn't happened. I am the heaviest I have been for several years. And in 2 weeks I am going to be taking my top off on stage. Fucking fantastic. Oh, and did I mention it is also entered in a drama festival so I will have to do it all again a few weeks later? Good good. Plus I can't learn my fucking lines. I don't have the concentration to look at a magazine, let alone learn lines. And this frustrates me a lot, because I have always had a brilliant memory for learning lines - I used to just be able to read a script through a couple of times and I would know it. I learnt my (large) role in a full length musical overnight once. And it never used to take me more than a week to learn a part, even if I was the lead. Now I can't learn what is basically 1 scene of dialogue. I am useless. Got to go and have the photos done tomorrow night for the newspapers. At least it won't take long.

Today went slightly wrong. L was supposed to be coming and seeing me here at half 10, then taking me into the town to see N at 12, who would then bring me back home after an hour or 2. Had a phone call from L at 10 saying that she needed to do an assessment at 11, and so could I see them the other way around instead, and that N would pick me up at half 11, and then drop me to see L at half 12, who would then drop me back home. I said that was fine. It was giving me less time with N than I usually get, but I didn't particularly care. N turned up 25 minutes late, meaning there was only 35 minutes until I was due to see L. I don't know why she is always late but she is. She had been there with L when L had changed the arrangement, so it isn't like she didn't know. But anyway. She asked if I wanted to go to Costa. I said there wasn't really time as by the time we were at the town I was due to see L in 15 minutes. So we just sat in the car for quarter of an hour.

Too much

I have too much over the next few days that I have to do. There isn't too much I can get out of either. Basically I have ballet lessons on mondays and wednesdays every week, which I sometimes skip, but I generally try and make myself go to however bad I feel. I have the advantage of knowing the syllabus so well that I can pretty much do the class on auto pilot, but because it is pretty much the only time I leave the house apart from for appointments I try to go. Plus if I don't go I get a lecture from my mum about how good it is for me to go etc, and that ends up being more hard work than going. I am also rehearsing this stupid play, as I have mentioned before. I didn't go to the rehearsal for that on friday - I emailed the director saying that I was ill. Imagine my delight when I got an answerphone message yesterday saying that they had decided to schedule an extra rehearsal for today (sunday). I called and said I was still ill. However, I really can't get out of any more. So far my week is looking like this. Everything is in the evenings unless I say otherwise, so I do at least have all day to flounder in bed, but I find it such an effort to leave the house because it involves putting on such a big act continuously, and that is draining, which isn't good when I am already exhausted.

Monday - Ballet class. However, it is also my niece's birthday, and she lives in the same town where I dance, so my mum wants us to go and see her for an hour before my class. Considering I wasn't even planning to go to the class, this is far from ideal.
Tuesday - Rehearsal. Regretting getting involved with this play more and more.
Wednesday - Appointment with L at 10:30, followed by N at 12. Then ballet class in the evening. Not terribly happy that all my support for the week is happening within 3 hours, as that leaves me the rest of the week with nothing. I usually see L on a tuesday, but she couldn't do tuesday this week.
Thursday - Photo session for the newspaper for the play. Will at least be short, but will involve putting effort into my appearance which takes too much effort.

I also have to decide this week for sure about this course in America, as the deadline for the (non refundable) deposit is this week. I am really not in the best frame of mind to be making decisions about my future, when at the moment I don't want one. The obvious choice would be to back out of that, which I could easily do. Particularly as when accepted I told myself I would only go if I had lost some weight by the time I had to pay. Which I haven't. But if I am alive in August, and doing a bit better and could have coped with it then I will be furious with myself. And even if I'm not it will become yet another thing added to my list of things to beat myself up about. Another time when I have intended to do something and then not been able to do it. Another failure.

I am feeling so overwhelmed. I am still having really strong suicidal thoughts and images etc - they aren't getting any weaker. I still can't concentrate on anything at all to distract myself. My sleep is awful and I am constantly exhausted. I had a shower and washed my hair this afternoon, as I was getting pretty disgusting to be honest, and I felt like I had run the marathon afterwards. So how am I supposed to get through the activities of the next few days? I feel pathetic. I know it looks like nothing to people who go out to work every day, or are in education, or just have really busy schedules, but it as about as full as my schedule tends to get, and it couldn't be a worse time for it. I will possibly scream if anyone suggests that the distraction will be good for me. If I was doing a bit better then that would possibly be true. But when I feel like this I just find it incredibly stressful, and I don't get distracted, I just get desperate. I want to scream anyway actually. And cry. But I am numb still. I just can't cope.

Appointments today

So I had 2 appointments today. First with N, and then one with Dr E and L. When N arrived we stayed here for a little while and then went to the town. We were planning to go into Costa but I didn't want to be around people so we just sat in the car.

Then I had my appointment with Dr E and L. Again, I can only remember bits of it - I was kind of drifting in and out. They asked what the hardest thing was at the moment, and I said the suicidal thoughts and how I couldn't get a break from them because of not having the concentration to do anything, and so I couldn't distract myself. Dr E asked some questions that I can't really remember, I just know I couldn't answer. Things about seeing L, and what was helping and what I was learning etc. She also asked why things are so bad at the moment, and what was causing it. I said I didn't know. She asked if it was because N is leaving. I said no. L mentioned that a while back I jokingly said that I was cursed because everyone that I see ends up going off sick long term, or leaving. Dr E really latched onto this and said I was feeling like this because of N leaving. I said I really didn't think it was. She said it was and that I was feeling rejected and abandoned. I didn't have the energy to argue so I just didn't say anything more about it. For the record I really do not think it has anything to do with N leaving. If L was leaving then absolutely, I would be a mess, but although I like N I do not feel attached to her, and whilst it is a shame she is leaving I am not upset about it.

They asked what would be helpful. L asked if it would help if she called me every day. I was very honest and said that I was feeling so suicidal that I really couldn't imagine not killing myself and that I couldn't even make myself think about tomorrow or next week as in my mind they don't exist. L said she would ring tomorrow. Dr E told me I needed to distract myself, which made me wonder if she had heard anything I had said earlier on in the appointment. She told me to go for a walk, which made me laugh hysterically for no real reason, which turned into crying. She kept saying that they understood how hard it was, and that they were there to support me, which whilst well meaning, came across as rather patronising given that I haven't seen her since January, and therefore she isn't really a source of support for me. L saying that would be fine, as she actually does support me, but it just seemed a bit trite coming from someone I haven't seen for 3 months. She also gave me the usual speech about what a talented, intelligent girl I am, and what a shame it was to see me like this. I never find that a helpful comment, and it baffles me when people who have never seen me perform say that I am talented. I said that I was completely exhausted and I just need to make everything stop.

There was no mention of medication, so I am assuming that L had already spoken to Dr E about that before I saw them and that Dr E had vetoed that idea. So overall it was much as I had expected really. I was particularly useless and bad at speaking, and whilst what I have written here is the jist of what I said, it was rather more confused and muttered with the odd staring into space and having to be brought back to earth to continue what I was saying etc. But at least I have been completely honest about my suicidal intent, so nobody can say I should have told someone how I was feeling or anything, as I clearly have done so.

Tiring day

N arrived to see me about 1, as planned. We went to the local town, about 15 mins away, that we usually go to. I needed to pick up a prescription, but got there 2 minutes after the pharmacy part of Boots had closed for lunch, so we needed to kill an hour. Went into Costa. Had a drink, and a cupcake which I threw up in the toilets. Talked a little bit about how I was feeling, but not that much. It more or less consisted of yes, I am still feeling really shit. Yes, my sleep is still dreadful. Yes, I am having suicidal thoughts. She didn't ask me anything about the suicidal thoughts, ie whether I had a plan or was likely to act on them or anything, so I didn't say. Saved the whole A&E debacle that I am sure would have been inevitable if I had talked about that. Got prescription, she dropped me home. I was really tired from not enough sleep last night, and was planning to go back to bed for a nap.

Got home. Was locked out of the house. I don't carry a key around because I lose keys. We live in the middle of nowhere and pretty much never lock our back door. My dad had locked it this morning. That shouldn't have been a problem though, as we always keep a key in a hidden place, for cases such as this. The key wasn't there. Phoned my mum, apparently she had lost it a couple of weeks ago. Phoned my dad. He said he wouldn't be able to get home until about half 5 at the earliest. This was at about 2:45. My next door neighbour was out so I couldn't even go around there. I was already feeling shit and wishing I hadn't got out of bed before I even got home, so not being able to get into the house was the last straw. I sat on the front step and sobbed. Tried to call my sister (who lives in the town I had just been in with N) as I thought she might have a key. Couldn't get hold of her. After about half an hour she called back. She didn't have a key, but was out with my next door neighbour and was only about 5 minutes away, and could take me back to her house until my dad got back from work. Another half hour later she turned up and took me back to hers. So I had had a lovely hour sitting on the front step. Typically I didn't even have my ipod or a book in my bag, so the vast majority of that time was spent crying and thinking about killing myself. I was cold and tired and pissed off.

My sister picked me up and took me back to hers. As well as her 2 boys, she has my niece staying with her, so there were 3 children under the age of 5 in the house, so it was rather chaotic, which I could have done without. At about 5:30 I remembered that I had to be back in this town at 7:30 for a rehearsal for the play that I have already mentioned not wanting to be in. I called my dad and said it obviously wasn't worth him picking me up at 6, for us to have less than an hour at home before needing to leave for the rehearsal so I would stay at my sisters. After attempting, and failing, to feed my 6 month old nephew his dinner I decided I had really had enough and said I was going to go and have a lie down. Had a nap for about half an hour. Then had to go off to the rehearsal.

Can anyone please come up with a reason, any reason at all, why I would have agreed to play a part that involves taking my top off on stage in an attempt to give another character an erection?! No, nor can I. I can't even look at myself in a mirror because I find my body so repulsive. So this play was a real stroke of genius on my part.

Finally got home at about 10, having been out for 9 hours. I feel like shit. I have really strong urges to hurt myself. No, not hurt myself, kill myself. Keep thinking that my mum won't be home until mid afternoon tomorrow, so if I took an overdose now, I would have 14 hours or so before anyone found me. Trying to tell myself that the same would apply most days - although my mum would usually be here, there would be no reason for her to come in my room, so I would have a clear 12 hours or so any night. I just want to do it now though. I am so exhausted. I really can't keep going like this. I was talking online to a friend earlier, and she was saying about fighting the thoughts etc, and I just thought about how long I have been doing that for (or trying to - there have been a few attempts along the way). I have felt like this for so long. I have wanted to die for years now, with no real breaks in that feeling. Ok, there have been times that have been better than others, and times when it has been easier to cope with, but I doubt very much if there has been any point in say the last 5 years, when given the choice between living and dying (without hurting people), I would have chosen living. I realise that the not hurting people caveat is not something I can control, and is the sole reason why I haven't just continuously acted on these thoughts until it has worked. But I just feel like I have been having to deal with these thoughts for so long, and I just can't fucking do it. Actually, that isn't true. I could. But I don't want to.

Not sure quite what to do now. I really want to just give in to the thoughts. But part of me feels like I owe it to the people that care about me to tell someone, ie a professional, not a friend, just how bad things are before I act on it. I suppose ask for help one last time. But if they can't suggest anything helpful, and just tell me to try and distract myself and tell me how well I am doing, then fine, I can do whatever the fuck I want. I can act on the thoughts without feeling guilty about it, because I will have done everything I can. Oh, but I refuse to go to A&E, because I have done that many a time, and I can think of better things to do with 5 hours than sit around there and then be patronised by the crisis team. Does that sound fair?

Interesting fact for the day - I was looking over my blog statistics. My absolute favourite google search that has lead someone to my blog is 'BPD crazed rant'.

I have already changed my mind about the being honest thing. There is nobody I trust enough to be that honest with apart from L, and she isn't back until next week. I can't tell some random person at the CMHT. I have had too many shit experiences in the past, of being made to go to A&E, and having the police sent round etc. I can't do it.

Today

4:45PM My weight was down again today. By 1.6lbs from yesterday. That is 2.6lbs in 2 days. It made me happy. I know I can't have lost over 2 and a half lbs of fat in that time, but weight loss is weight loss - I don't care what it is. Hungry, very hungry, but it is ok, I can fight that. I want the numbers to go down again tomorrow. And if that means being really hungry then I just have to deal with that. Keep reminding myself of weight loss slogans. 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'. True. This is true. It whirrs around in my brain every time I want something to eat. Chocolate. I really want chocolate. But it will make my weight go up and that is not acceptable. It has to go down. It was so good earlier seeing the number on the scales lower than I expected. So exciting. I need that again tomorrow. So no chocolate. No anything yet. I can have something in a couple of hours. I wish I wasn't hungry. So much easier to lose weight without the hunger. I have been taking the Hoodia I bought a couple of months ago today and yesterday but it does nothing at all to relieve the hunger. It does not work. Rubbish stuff. But I will keep taking it in case.

I am scared about Easter. I feel so torn by it. There will be lots of chocolate, and I love chocolate. But I am terrified of it because it will make me gain weight. I don't want any chocolate, but at the same time I want loads of it. It makes me feel powerless. I can't not eat it, because I can't do that. But I can't gain weight from it. I can't. I am thinking I will only be able to eat any chocolate when I am on my own so that I can purge afterwards. Ok, it won't get rid of all the calories, but it has got to be the best all round solution I think. I hate times of the year with lots of food. Christmas, Birthdays, Easter. Anything like that. And yet I love them. Because I am actually very greedy, and I want all the food. Loads of it. The more the better. Especially if it is cake or chocolate or sweets. But it makes me feel powerless and out of control, and that scares me. I would feel completely cheated and pissed off if I didn't get an Easter Egg, and yet having one will cause me so much anguish. I was in Co-op earlier, buying my Easter Eggs for other people. And I nearly caved and bought myself bags of Mini Eggs because they were on offer. I love Mini Eggs. And then I saw Creme Eggs on offer. I love Creme Eggs. And you can only get them at Easter so I feel like I need them. I wanted them so much. But I didn't buy them. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels, right?

I saw N earlier. She took me to the shops to buy my Easter Eggs for people. She is leaving in May. Although she works at my CMHT, she is actually employed by MIND, and was only on a 1 year contract, which she was hoping would be renewed, but there is no funding available. So no more Support Worker come May. Got to love the way the Mental Health system works. Decide someone has a need, provide them with the service, realise they can't afford the service, so take it away and ignore the need. This has happened to me before, under a different Trust. They seem to think that Support Workers are disposable, and so if funding is low they get the chop.

Still feeling much the same. Still having the same thoughts. Still having the little visions of me attempting to kill myself running through my head. Feel completely exhausted. Hate having to fight with myself like this constantly. There is no break from it whatever I do, because it is in my head, and I can't get away from my own head. Even in my sleep it is there. And my sleep is shit, even when I eventually manage to get to sleep. I just want it all to stop. Why does it have to be so hard? Being alive just shouldn't be this painful.

6:30PM The hunger has dissipated a lot. The arguments have started. I won’t have pasta for dinner, therefore I am the most impossible person to deal with, and why won’t I just eat normally etc etc. When I eat ‘normally’ I gain weight. I don’t restrict for fun. I do it because it is the only way I can lose weight. She doesn’t understand because she can eat like a pig and still be thin. I can’t do that. I wish I could. I really, really wish I could. But it doesn’t work like that for me. I hate the way she has to judge and comment on everything I eat, it really winds me up.

My relationship with my Mum is so strained at the moment. It is very rare that we are able to have a conversation without it turning into an argument. Everything I do is wrong. I am always lazy, or not making an effort, or selfish, or horrible, or being ridiculous. I find her so difficult to live with, and even be around. It is so much easier when I am on my own. She is off work for the next 2 and a half weeks, and I am dreading it. It will be a nonstop series of fights over what I eat, what I do, when I sleep. And when there are people around I have to pretend everything is fine, and that is so tiring. I just need a break from everything.

8:50PM Frustrated. I had some food about an hour ago, and I am more hungry now than before I ate. Diet coke time...

Various ramblings

Supersize vs Superskinny. Why do I do it to myself? New series tonight, and naturally I had to watch. I know I find it triggering. I know that it upsets me without fail. I know the 'superskinny' people are too thin, but all I feel is jealousy. Why can't I look like that? Then I always eat when I am watching it. Oh the irony.

My weight is still a big issue. I can't stop gaining and it is terrifying me. I haven't been this heavy for a long time - I think the last time was probably in 2006. There was a time in 2008 when I wasn't much lighter than this, but I can't have got as big as this, because there were clothes that fitted me then that don't now. My wardrobe has literally been limited to 2 skirts and 1 pair of trousers (that are on the verge of being too tight) and some tops. I find this very distressing. As you would really. And I just don't know what to do about it. It sounds pathetic, but I am feeling more and more suicidal, and I know my weight is contributing to that a lot. I feel like if I don't start losing weight soon I am not going to be able to stop myself acting on the thoughts. Absolutely everything is triggering me and upsetting me. I am really desperate.

Dance has been a bit of a problem the last few weeks. Quite a few years ago I had pretty severe shin splints, and had to have a while off dancing, and couldn't jump for about a year because it would just set them off again. Even walking was really painful. They were caused by a combination of my feet rolling in and dancing on a concrete floor. I managed to get rid of them again, and corrected my rolling in. However, the last month or so I have felt my shins starting to become uncomfortable again when I jump, and by last night they were getting quite painful. I am still very aware of them today, they still feel uncomfortable. I suppose I will have to start elevating and icing them every day like I used to, but I am kind of bothered about them because I don't know what has caused them. I don't think I roll in anymore, and I dance on lovely sprung floors, so that isn't the problem. I got a bit upset last night because I was talking about it with my mum, and she asked if it could have been my weight gain that has caused them. That is very unlikely, so that isn't what upset me - it was someone else acknowledging my weight gain that upset me. I don't want people to lie to me and pretend I look the same, because I know I don't, but being asked if my weight gain could have caused a dance injury is upsetting. For the record, although I have gained a lot of weight (about 22lbs), my BMI is currently 21.1, so I am not actually overweight. I really feel it though.

I was supposed to be seeing Dr E tomorrow, but I had a call today saying that it had been cancelled as she is off ill. That's a bit of a buggar, because I am supposed to see her once a month at the moment, and it is already 2 months since I have seen her, as I was supposed to see her 1 month ago, but I rung 6 weeks to rearrange that as I couldn't get there, and I didn't get another appointment offered until the one tomorrow, which has now been cancelled, so I am hoping it isn't another 6 weeks before I get given another one. I am seeing N tomorrow, I didn't see her last week as she couldn't fit me in. I am not looking forward to that, as basically I see her to get me out the house, and I really don't want to leave the house at the moment. I don't want to have to get dressed, and I don't want anyone to see me. I just can't do this. I am seeing L on thursday, but she is seeing me at home this week as she had a course on the day I usually see her, and it is difficult for me to get there other days. I am just relieved I won't have to leave the house as much. Although I am seeing my GP friday, so I will have to go out for that. Buggar. I had forgotten about that. I just want to hide and not let anyone see me at the moment.

A small triumph

I got to sleep at 1am last night! Goodness knows how, as I didn't wake up until 3pm, but I felt tired so I thought I would have a Diazepam so my thoughts weren't too over the place, and try to sleep, but I didn't really think it would work, but it did! First time I have been asleep before 6am for weeks! I realise this does not seem a big deal, but I was quite pleased with myself.

I am still keeping up with the food diary. I have done it for 5 days now. It is hard to be honest - when I eat something that I feel like I shouldn't have it is very tempting to just not write it down, as though it will then have had no calories in it, but I know that isn't actually going to help, so I have been very honest - everything that has passed my lips has been written down. Except water, because that seems pointless.

Saw L this morning. Talked briefly about the food diary. Mine and hers. She seemed to find it quite difficult, which let's face it - it is. Writing down every single thing that you eat is hard. Those little tiny snacks that you had, that you would usually forget about when thinking about what you ate that day are all written down in black and white (well, purple and white in my case - I tend to write in purple). I am finding I am eating less on average than I have been recently, because every time I go to eat something I am very aware that I will have to write it down. Anyway, she wants me to carry on doing it until I see her next tuesday, so I have another week of it to go. Showing what I had eaten was a bit hard, as I feel embarassed, and like I will be judged on it, but I think that this was made easier by her having to show me hers as well.

I have decided I definitely have issues with exercise. It is shit really. Sure it burns calories, but it makes me so hungry that I end up eating more calories than I have burnt off. Somewhat counter productive really.

Seeing N tomorrow. Need to remember to get something for my Mum for Mothers Day when I am with her, as I won't have another opportunity to get out really. Well, I could if I wanted to I suppose, but I won't. I don't like leaving the house.

I hate titles

So, the stopping gaining that I referred to last week hasn't happened unfortunately. Another 2lbs have been added. Nice one. I have been trying hard. I even forced myself to go to both my ballet classes this week, which ok, is only 2 hours exercise, but you would think it would be better than none right? Clearly wrong. 3 BMI points in 6 months. Not on. 2 clothes sizes. None of my normal trousers fit anymore. I got really upset a couple of days ago as I got out some trousers to wear that I haven't worn for a while, as when I was at a lower weight they were too big for me, so I thought they would fit now. I couldn't do them up. Every time I have to get dressed I end up crying because nothing fits, and I feel so enormous.

Last night I decided I hated the world, as it is clearly conspiring to make me fat. This included, but was not limited to, Dr E, Dr O, L, N and my parents. Everyone I come into contact with basically. I decided it was mostly Dr E's fault for taking me off my meds, which has only managed to make me fat and more depressed. I have less hatred today, probably because I was actually half a pound less this morning, but I am still not happy with Dr E. And actually, I was talking to a friend the other day, and it reminded me about my last appointment with Dr E, which I had forgotten about.

Before I went in she said she had a medical student with her and was that ok. I don't have a problem with students - they have to learn, so I said that was fine. I regretted that afterwards. Dr E was asking me the same sort of questions as usual, but every time I said something that she didn't agree with, she gave her med student a look. A kind of 'Did you hear that?' look. Or a smirk. Or a semi eye roll. Things that made me feel about 5, and very patronised. And that to be honest, I thought were pretty unprofessional. I don't usually have a problem with Dr E. As psychiatrists go, she is probably my 2nd favourite of all of those I have seen. But not that appointment. If she has a med student with her again I will not have them sitting in on my appointment, which I kind of feel bad about, because the med student didn't do anything wrong, but I really disliked the way that appointment made me feel, because of the way that Dr E was with them. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like it is just me that feels like that. My friend also sees Dr E, and has also had a med student in one of her appointments and said that the same thing happened with her, or that if her CPN goes to her appointments with her then Dr E will do the same thing with the CPN that she did with the med student. Surely she should be more professional than that? If she doesn't agree with what I am saying, fine, but she doesn't need to show it in a way that will make me feel bad about myself. It can be hard enough for people with mental health problems to talk to Consultant Psychiatrists anyway - we all know who has the power in that relationship, plus it is hard talking honestly to anyone that you only see for 20 minutes once a month, or once every 3 or 6 months. We don't need the consultant to make it even more difficult by their attitude. I was supposed to see Dr E this week, but I had to cancel as I couldn't get there, so am waiting for a new appointment to come through, and am hoping it is more successful than the above.

I saw Dr O today. I get the impression she maybe doesn't really 'get' eating disorders/weight issues. I told her that since I last saw her I had gained half a stone. Firstly she didn't believe me and wanted to weigh me. She looked utterly baffled by my slightly hysterical refusal to be weighed. And told me about a patient she had seen earlier in the week who had weighed 180 kilos. Apparently the scales had protested and they had both ended up laughing a lot about it all. She assured me that I didn't weigh that much, and I wouldn't break her scales. She then said she thought I was gaining weight on purpose (!!) so that they would prescribe the Tryptophan again. I said that I am certainly not gaining weight on purpose, and that I end up crying most days when I weigh myself. Her solution was to stop weighing myself and get rid of the scales.... So anyway, I am now thinking she possibly isn't too hot with EDs. Although reading this makes it sound like she is a really shit Doctor, and she isn't, and I do like her. She just seems to come out with some slightly odd statements.

My sleep is still very bad. I have given up watching the Olympics, but I am still awake all night. I got to sleep about half 6 this morning. Actually, I should probably have tried to get some sleeping tablets. Although they never actually help me sleep, so it probably wouldn't have been worth it. At the moment I don't really have any motivation to try and sort out my sleep anyway. Or anything else for that matter.

So.....

I haven't written anything for a while. Don't really seem to have much to say at the moment. I am feeling quite flat/numb most of the time. I am still really unhappy with my weight and struggling on that front. I ordered some weight loss tablets earlier. Nothing drastic or dangerous - just some herbal ones from a health shop. Figured I would try those before I went for the Ephedra. So I have ordered some Hoodia, just to try and curb my appetite. If they don't work I will order some Ephedra. I feel so enormous. I do know logically that I am not fat - if BMI 20 - 25 is healthy (I say if because so many BMI guides say 18.5 - 25, but Doctors and health people always say 20, and I believe that it is officially 20 for Caucasians) then I am at the low end of that, but it is a big increase from my BMI of 17.5 in September. Even in the last 3 or 4 weeks I have gained about 6lbs, which is a lot. And actually it is those 6lbs that have made the difference between me feeling ok in my clothes, and not wanting to get dressed because everything is so tight, so I am going to focus on losing that first, before I think about long term. But I need to stop gaining first!

I was supposed to be seeing L today, but she was off sick, and she is on leave next week, so that isn't too good. I haven't seen her since tuesday of last week, so that is a week and a half ago already, and it will be another week and a half before I see her, so it will be 3 weeks between appointments, which is really hard when I am used to seeing her every week. I do get annoyed with myself for being so dependant on people. That is the trouble with therapy, and getting so attached. It does make it really difficult when I have to miss a week for any reason, and even 1 week to the next feels like a long time. It isn't only down to attachment - it is partly because it can be such a relief to have the chance to talk about everything and just get it all out, and it is the only time I even come close to doing that. So it is really difficult when that hour and a half disappears an hour before. I don't blame L at all, it isn't her fault she is ill - it is just unfortunate, and it is difficult when you have expected a session and then don't get it, and also unfortunate that she isn't there next week. I am seeing N next week, on tuesday, so at least that is something. She had this week off, so I haven't seen anyone at all next week. I was due to be seeing Dr E next week as well, but I have had to cancel as I can't get there when my mum is at work, so I am waiting to hear when that will be rearranged for. And I am seeing Dr O on friday, but that is just a little chat really.

My sleep is very bad still. At the moment I can use the Olympics as an excuse to an extent (did anybody see the Women's Skeleton tonight? So exciting!), but I am sleeping until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, which even I admit is not terribly good. When I spoke to L the other day she said we really need to work on improving that. For some reason the day scares me a bit. I think it is partly because when things are really bad I don't like being awake in the day, as I know that I have the whole day on my own and it feels really unsafe, and also psychologically the day feels shorter if I wake up later - I know it isn't, but if I wake up in the afternoon then I can tell myself the day is nearly over, whereas if I wake up in the morning the day feels painfully long. Also, if I don't wake up until the afternoon there is less time left for eating... But I do accept I need to improve my sleep, even if it goes back to waking up at 12 or so, that would be a vast improvement. There is just so much I need to work on, it all feels a bit overwhelming.

Mostly weight

Today has been quite difficult. I wrote this last night

'I thought the other day that even though I feel like shit, maybe I should keep going a bit longer. Maybe I should give myself a bit more time to see if things improve. Then I saw my weight this morning, and it completely changed my mind. I need to kill myself before I get any fatter. Nothing is right. I hate that I have tried so so hard this week, it has just been a nonstop battle with my head, and what do I get in return? Weight gain, to make me feel even more shit about myself, and more suicidal. And I know it is my fault for being such a disgusting, greedy cow, which makes it even worse. But I just can’t stop eating.

I will have to get dressed tomorrow to go and see L and I just feel so ashamed of myself. I feel like everyone will be staring at me because they will see how fat I have got. I hate myself for being so disgusting and greedy.

I have had no energy lately. Even worse than usual. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I wake up, and even if I have slept reasonably well and for a decent length of time, I just feel absolutely exhausted. My limbs feel like they weigh a tonne each, moving them takes real effort. And I just want to sleep all the time. But then when I try to sleep I can’t because of my head. It just feels like everything is wrong with me. I don’t know what I was thinking with my let’s give it a bit longer thing. I just didn’t want to hurt people, and I still don’t, but I am really not meant to be alive. I am just like a shell. I am already dead inside'

I couldn't sleep last night, and I had to get up this morning at a reasonable time as I was seeing L at 11, and only ended up with about 4 hours sleep, so that hasn't helped with the exhaustion. Then this morning I had gained another pound. I didn't actually want to go and see L, which is unusual for me, but I just felt so disgusting and ashamed of myself. Plus I just really don't feel like I trust anyone at the moment, I don't know why. I wore a skirt in the deluded hope that people wouldn't be able to see my size as clearly as if I was in trousers, but I don't think it helped. Then the first thing I thought when I saw her was how thin she looked, she looked really tiny today, and that made me feel even worse about myself. I think partly because of this, and partly because of not feeling very trusting at the moment, I just clammed up at the beginning of the appointment. I got quite upset, and I couldn't think properly which upset me more. I did start to open up more as it went on, but now I feel frustrated with myself as I feel like I didn't make the best use of the time I had, and I am not seeing her until friday next week as she is on a course at the beginning of the week. We talked quite a lot about my weight and body image as it is definitely affecting my mood a lot at the moment.

I have to get dressed again tomorrow as I am seeing N. The problem with this is that I see N to get me out the house, and I don't want to leave the house, I feel too ashamed of myself and I don't want to sit somewhere public where people can see me. I very much doubt I will go to ballet tomorrow night either, as I just can't face people seeing my body like this. I am fully aware of the irony of skipping the only exercise that I get because I feel too fat, but pink tights just aren't going to be helpful when I am hating my body this much already.

An update

So I haven't written for a while. I am struggling with depression big time, and just don't have the concentration or motivation to really do anything. Am very behind on most of the blogs I read as I start reading and then realise I have absolutely no idea what is going on. Getting through a whole post is a real mission. Anyway. So yeah, very strong suicidal thoughts. Very overwhelming. I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but my dad was at home last week as he had an operation so couldn't work, and knowing someone was here all of the time stopped me from acting on the thoughts. But they are getting more and more intense and I am feeling like it is only a matter of time. I saw N today, but I didn't talk about the suicidal thoughts with her, I just said that things were bad, as I was concerned that if she knew just how strong the thoughts are then she would have to go back at tell someone at the CMHT, and the only one of them that I trust is L, who is still off (but will be back next week). And last time I told N just how bad things are and that it had got to the planning stage etc was back in the summer, and resulted in my ex care co-ordinator insisting on me going to A&E to be assessed by the duty psych - the alternative was a MHA assessment apparently. And I really didn't want a repeat of that so I kept quiet.

I am a bit ill as well. I felt like crap yesterday emotionally, and found that I was feeling quite weak, but that often happens when I feel crap, so I didn't think much of it. Despite it being the last thing I felt like doing I went to ballet, as when I had weighed in the morning I promised myself that if I was X or under I would go, and if I was over X I wouldn't, and I was X, which meant that I absolutely HAD to go. My mind works in strange ways. Anyway, felt bad when I was there, ended up having to sit out some of class, and felt ill all the way home, ate my dinner, and was then sick. So I think I have some type of bug. Unfortunately I found it quite triggering eating wise. It kind of reminded me that I can eat and then be sick and have a nice, empty stomach again. So today I was still feeling sick, so ate some bland food that I didn't think would make me feel worse, and then purged. I hadn't intended to, but I just got a flashback of me being sick last night and I couldn't resist. It is a long time since I have done that, and a very long time since I have done it at home (the last few times have been when eating out) and now it just seems so tempting again. Not good.

But it is the suicidal thoughts that are the big problem at the moment. I am trying really hard, but I just don't want to live, I don't want to be here, and my head is just screaming at me to kill myself. Feels like when rather than if.

Little rant

I am unsure whether to be pleased or pissed off. The CMHT just called and said that N wasn't going to visit because of the snow. Now this would be an appropriate time to point out that where I live virtually all of the snow has melted, and that for the last half hour there has been a light flurry and that IS IT. But since I couldn't really be arsed seeing her today anyway I didn't actually mind her cancelling as it meant I could stay in bed. BUT this is the second time she has cancelled because of the weather, and both times she has got the receptionist to call instead of ringing herself, when she has always told me that if for any reason she can't see me in person then she will call and talk to me and support me in that way. Except when there is half a cm of snow on the ground. Clearly that disrupts phone calls. So whilst I don't really mind that she cancelled (even though it was clearly unneccessary as there is very little snow) I DO mind that she couldn't be bothered to tell me herself and ask how I felt. Rant over.

Bad day

Today has not been a good day. I woke up for my physio feeling shit and tired so I rang and cancelled and went back to sleep for a couple of hours, until my mum threw a shoe at my window to wake me up, as she had been out and managed to lock herself out. Nice one! My dad pointed out tonight that a shoe was possibly not the most sensible thing to have thrown, since it could have broken the glass and all, but that thought didn't seem to have occurred to my mother. She is a bit of a ditz to be honest. Actually she is a complete ditz, but in a very sweet way.

So then I did a bit of wall staring, and watched Neighbours, and was feeling more and more shit, so decided to call L for a chat, but as I said earlier, she had gone home ill, so I couldn't talk to her, and that made me feel even more shit. I decided going back to sleep was the only safe option, so I went back to sleep for a couple of hours, but set my alarm to wake me up before my mum got home from work because she shouts at me when I nap in the day, because my sleep routine is so horrendous and I get the 'you're not helping yourself, I think you must want to be awake all night, sometimes I think you don't want to get better' speech, which makes me want to scream and shout and hit things. But yes, so I have probably fucked up my sleep for tonight now. Nicely done.

Feel like I am dangerously close to the edge. The suicidal thoughts are getting more and more overwhelming, and I am seeing less and less point in trying to resist them. I am also doing this ridiculous thing that I sometimes do when I am feeling very low, when I focus all my attention onto my weight, and that determines whether I should kill myself or not. So if I get on the scales in the morning and have gained weight then that is a sign that I should kill myself that day. If I have stayed exactly the same (and my scales weigh to .2 of a pound) or lost then I am not supposed to kill myself that day. Everyone think that is a good plan? Excellent.

I have an appointment with N tomorrow, and another bloody ballet class. Feel like cancelling both to be honest. I just can't be arsed with seeing N. I don't want to go and sit in Costa and chat about stupid Christmas and things. And at the moment I don't trust her enough to talk to her properly. I used to trust her, when I only had my shit care coordinator then seeing N was good because she was the only person I could talk to, but now I have L to talk to about proper things, and N cancelled an appointment before Christmas, and made my appointment for last week at the same time as my appointment for L was, so I couldn't go to that, so I haven't seen her for ages and I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to leave the house, I want to stay here. People are starting to scare me again (this happened in the summer - I got absolutely terrified of people and thought they were all going to hurt me, so wouldn't leave the house, and when I absolutely had to, for example when my mum took me to the out of hours GP and A&E I took my teddy bear with me as I felt that he could protect me. The out of hours GP asked me what his name was. I am unsure if she thought I was 4, or stupid.) and I just want to stay in my house where I am safe. Except I am not because all the tempting suicidey things are here. So I am not safe anywhere. That scares me. I have no safe place.

'i'm not right now at all
there i go again
pretending that i'll fall
don't call the doctors
cause they've seen it all before
they'll say just let her crash and burn she'll learn
the attention just encourages her'

Girl Anachronism, The Dresden Dolls

Getting to know me....

So a little bit about me. As I said in my profile, I am 23, and this blog will probably be mostly Mental Health related. I live in the South East of England with my parents. I started having problems with depression and bulimia when I was 17, for which I was given Prozac and a CMHT referral. At 18 I started seeing a psychologist at the CMHT, whom I saw for about a year, and various psychiatrists. I also tried to kill myself. Several years/hospitalisations/suicide attempts later and here we are. My diagnosis is now Borderline Personality Disorder, which I have rather mixed feelings about, that I will discuss another time. Prior to this my diagnoses were depression, anxiety, and EDNOS. All still apply. I just have a shiny new label on top. I have a fantastic CPN, who is my Care Coordinator, who I will refer to as L. I see her weekly. I also see N, my support worker weekly, and Dr E my psychiatrist, and Dr O my GP monthly.

I would say that I am not a 'typical' Borderline in some ways. Although I do self harm, it is infrequent, and superficial. It is something I do as a last resort, when I am very suicidal, in an attempt not to do anything worse. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn't. I tend to be rather sarcastic, rather un PC, and laugh about my problems. Sometimes this doesn't go down too well with the professionals. I think that is probably about all I have to say for now. Beware though, I usually ramble on for far longer than this.