Freaking out

I am freaking out. I just spoke to my sister, and basically he is starting a new school tomorrow, and was going to be collected by a nursery in the town where she lives, as the owner's child also goes there, and then do the after school session at the nursery and then my sister would pick him up. That has all fallen through, and she now doesn't know what she is going to do, as she works, and the school bus doesn't go to their town as he is going to school out of area. So she has asked me if I could look after him 3 afternoons a week after he finishes school. I really, really do not want to. I love my nephew, but I find children really stressful, and after about 5 minutes with them I am just this anxious, irritable mess. There isn't even one small part of me that wants to do this. 2 days a week there is an alternative, as there is a childminder who could have him, but basically the third afternoon she doesn't have an alternative, and so I am basically being forced into it, and she would rather I had him the other 2 afternoons as well. I don't know what to do. I am really stressed and freaking out. I tried to think of an excuse but I couldn't think of a single legitimate excuse. I hate being put in this position. If it was just a suggestion then that would be fine, but I don't feel like I am being given a choice, and that pisses me off. I don't want to look after him. I know I should want to, because he is my nephew, but I don't. I do not want to. At all. Not any afternoons a week. If it was just a one off now and then it would be ok, as I could do it if I was feeling up to it, but I really do not want a bloody weekly committment of childminding. And I don't know what I can do. This is shit.

Cancelled appointment

I was supposed to see L this morning, but the office rung and cancelled and said she was off sick. Feel a bit crap. It is already 2 weeks since I have seen her, because obviously last week I was in Cornwall, and now I don't know if I will get to see her this week or not. For some reason I don't get upset when it is cancelled because she is off sick like I do if it is cancelled because she has an emergency though. When it is an emergency I just get jealous of the other person who is getting to see her, even though I know they must be in crisis and are probably being admitted, whereas when she is off sick I find it hard but I just think well it isn't her fault. But it is still hard. I missed having her to talk to when I was finding things hard when I was away, as I couldn't call due to the lack of mobile reception, and so I have been waiting on today, and then it was cancelled. I really hope she can fit me in another day, but I don't know how likely it is.

The rehearsal that wasn't...

So I got ready and went off to rehearsal tonight. Got there, and the building was all locked up and there was clearly nobody there. I had thought it was a bit strange that there was a rehearsal on a Bank Holiday, so I called my dad and asked him to check the rehearsal schedule on my computer to be sure I had got the day right (I clearly need an iphone). It was the right day. I asked him to find me a contact number that I could ring to find out what was going on. I rung and they didn't answer. Left a message. I wandered around outside not sure what to do. Tried calling again. Still no answer. Hmmm. I spoke to my mum who had gone to Sainsbury's after dropping me off. Sainsbury's was shut since it was a bank holiday, so she came back. We waited until 8, just in case it was starting late for some unknown reason. In the end we came home. I found another number to ring, and spoke to the Production Secretary, who I always find somewhat officious if I am completely honest, and explained that the schedule said I was called tonight but there was nobody there, to which she told me there had been updated schedules since that and it had been cancelled when it was realised it was a bank holiday. I said I definitely hadn't received a more recent schedule, and she told me that I was next called tomorrow, and then Thursday. So that was a fun 40 mile round trip.

I have had really horrible tummy pain this afternoon/evening. I have felt really bloated, and just really really uncomfortable and hurting. Much more than discomfort actually. I have had it before, but not as badly as today. I did wonder if perhaps I am intolerant to something like wheat, but considering I eat shit loads of wheat, and only get this occasionally I think it is fairly unlikely. I am thinking perhaps it could be an effect of the laxatives, but I don't know if they could be doing this 2 days later. I don't know enough about how they work, but they have given me bad tummy ache on other occasions. I suppose in retrospect it wasn't the cleverest thing taking them when I was recovering from a stomach bug really....

How do people come up with titles every bloody day?!

So the little laxatives ended up doing their job after all, just not until last night, which was later than I expected. It would seem that yesterday's weight gain was largely down to them failing to do their job earlier, as I just weighed and I am back at the weight I was on Saturday again (actually I am 0.2lbs lower, but who's counting...... me) So that is good. I guess. I am feeling really flat again today. Yesterday was a bit hard. I didn't know what to do with myself and I couldn't really concentrate on anything, so I just kept flitting from one thing to another, not really doing anything. Read a chapter of book, spend 5 minutes on Facebook, wander around aimlessly, go back to the book, not really remember what was happening in it, sit staring into space, put the television on, largely ignore it, turn it off, etc etc. I couldn't get interested in anything or stick with anything. Not a good sign. Last week I was sitting and reading for hours and getting through a book in a day, as well as doing other things. Now I just keep getting confused and restless. I hate that my concentration, and therefore my ability to read, is always one of the first things to affect me if I am starting to feel a bit worse. I am feeling like today will probably be another day like that.

I really, really need to wash my hair today. It is disgusting. Hygeine is another thing that goes. I (generally) still make sure I am clean and not too gross if I am going anywhere, but when I am just going to be at home I can't be bothered, so I don't. But I must go and have a shower and wash my hair because I have a Carousel rehearsal tonight, which means leaving the house and seeing people, and they would all run away screaming if they saw (smelt?) me like this. Not actually wanting to go to rehearsal, which is unfortunate as I have 3 this week. On the plus side, I was looking through the schedule, and I only seem to be called at 12 rehearsals before the show, so by the end of this week that will be a quarter of them out the way. Huzzah! Originally I was going to be in the ensemble for Act 1, as my character is only on for the second half of Act 2, but I pulled out of that (there were all these rehearsals I couldn't be bothered to go to, and so I blamed my voice problems as they still existed at the time) and so everyone else has been rehearsing 3 times a week for the last 2 months, but not me. I feel like I should want to be doing more, and look forward to rehearsals, but at the moment they just feel like a necessary evil. I am a little bit worried also because my part is a dance part to a large extent - there is a 10 minute ballet scene, and the first few minutes are solo me, then there are a couple of minutes of ensemble stuff, and then the last half is a pas de deux between me and another guy. Which is fine, but I am worried he won't be able to lift me - I am too heavy for anyone to have to try and lift. And we will be learning that for the first time tonight, and I just feel really embarrassed because I am going to be too heavy and he won't be able to lift me and I will ruin the whole thing.

I am tired. I don't seem to be sleeping very well. I was going to get up and get straight in the shower, but the motivation to do that has disappeared. Actually, it was probably never really there or I wouldn't have sat down to write this. Later. I will do Important Things now. Like check Facebook. Maybe go back to sleep. Sleep would be good. Shower later.

Laxatives

I am not feeling good today. I don't know why. I just feel kind of flat and low and a bit shit. I didn't sleep that well last night. I kept thinking of things that bother me and upset me, and just woke up this morning feeling really flat. I tried to go back to sleep, but that wasn't happening, and now I am not really sure what to do with myself. There are things I really need to do, like wash my hair, which is currently pretty disgusting, but I just can't be bothered. And then I weighed myself and I was nearly a pound heavier than yesterday, which made me feel even worse. And I don't even know why. And I took a couple of laxatives last night, but they've not done anything, and that is frustrating me.

I didn't used to understand laxatives. Why people took them. They don't make you lose weight, so what is the point, and why take so many? I am kind of starting to see it. If I haven't been to the toilet for a couple of days, which is fairly frequently, particularly if I am restricting, then I start thinking about how that will affect my weight. So a few months back I bought some laxatives. I had no intention of abusing them - I just thought I would take one when I wanted to go to the toilet. The packet said one or two, so I thought one would be enough as I didn't usually use them. And it was, and it was all fine. And then one stopped working so I started taking two. Now two don't seem to be working, and I am kind of pissed off. Pissed off because I don't want to end up like some people I know who take 20 at a time, because 2 stopped working, and then 4 stopping working etc. And pissed off because I don't know why they aren't working when I don't even take them very often. I don't want to have to take loads of laxatives, but if 2 don't work then what am I supposed to do? I can see how easy it would be to just keep taking more and more, and every day, to feel empty. Feeling empty is great. But I know that isn't a good idea. I have never wanted to go down that route, and I still don't. I just want to be able to take a couple when I want to go to the toilet, and for them to work. That doesn't seem unreasonable.

Facebook and Twitter

So I have finally got around to creating Facebook and Twitter accounts for this blog - if you use either/both, then please add me - I am Bippidee Mentalist on Facebook, and bippidee86 on Twitter. Not sure what I am doing with Twitter yet, as I haven't used it before.

Weight and Mood

Feeling a little better today, although still a bit woozy. I am delighted to report that (thanks to nasty sick bug) I only gained 1.2lbs whilst away, which is considerably less than I was expecting. And considerably less than it would have been without nasty sick bug, as I was already over 2.5lbs heavier than that with another full day of eating to go when that struck, so nasty sick bug has saved me at least 3lbs. So thanks for that. I am not quite at the stage of being grateful for it, but I suspect that will come in a few days when I forget how nasty it was, and just thank everything that the numbers aren't higher. I want to get back into losing now. I want my goal to be 2lbs a week again, but I am considering lowering it slightly to make it more achievable every week, as before some weeks I lost more than that, but other weeks it was less - maybe if my goal was 1.5lbs a week then I would be able to meet it more regularly. Although my scales only measure in .2s of a pound, so it would either need to be 1.4 or 1.6 actually. But that doesn't sound enough. The show I am doing next is on in 7 weeks, so I will have a target of losing 10lbs before that, which would work out at about 1.4lbs a week, but I will hope for more than that. I think I will still aim for 2lbs a week, but as long as it averages out at 1.4lbs a week or more, then that will be ok.

That would also get me back to a weight that I am comfortable at, or relatively speaking. It wouldn't be my ideal weight, and there would still be bits I would hate, but I would fit into all of my clothes fine, and not feel completely hideous about myself. Even in 4 or 5lbs I think I will start to feel better, as most of my clothes should fit me then, and in 3lbs my BMI will be back in the 19s, which I think will help psychologically, even if it doesn't look any different. Just a couple of weeks hopefully. I need my weight to start going in the right direction fast, because I am feeling quite vulnerable mood wise - I haven't crashed, but I feel like I am on the edge, and it could happen very easily. It probably will even if I do lose weight, because when I feel like things are starting to slip, like I do at the moment, then they usually do, but I can sometimes at least delay it, or stop it getting quite as bad, if other things (generally my weight) are going well. I hope. I am scared of my mood doing a full on dive again. I desperately don't want it to happen, but I don't know how to stop it. It is always worse than I remember it being, or than I could possibly imagine it to be, and I don't want it to happen again. I hate feeling like this - like I am constantly walking a tightrope, and if I take one wrong step I will fall. And if I fall I will go plummeting down further than I can even see or imagine.

Cornwall Day 7 and Home

I am back home. The last couple of days of my holiday were ruined rather, as I came down with a nasty bug, that had me vomiting for 8 hours on Wednesday night. Very unpleasant. I have no idea where it came from - I am sure it wasn't food poisoning, as I hadn't eaten anything that could even be remotely suspicious, but I don't know anyone who was ill, so I have no idea where I could have caught it from. I didn't feel that great Wednesday evening, but I was ok, and then about midnight I started feeling really quite sick, and half an hour later I was being violently sick, and that carried on right the way through the night. It was quite strange, because it is unusual for me to get stomach bugs - my mum usually gets any of those going around, and I get headache/earache things, and nausea but not actually being sick. Whenever I have a sick bug it always strikes me how different it is being sick when you are ill to purging. Strange really. I suppose it is partly a control thing - when you are purging it is a choice and you are in control of it, whereas when you are ill it just happens, and is really quite hideous!

So anyway, I was in bed all day Thursday - I slept a lot of the time, as I had got very little sleep during the night, and I felt too weak to get up, plus I was still feeling ill. I felt a bit cheated really, as I had planned to go swimming again, and there were other things I wanted to do, and I was just stuck in bed all day. My parents went out for a meal in the evening, as we had already booked, but I knew that even sitting in the pub with them would be too much, so I stayed home. And then we left this morning. The car journey back wasn't great, particularly the first hour or so, as I still feel quite ill, and even though I hadn't been sick since yesterday morning, and knew I probably wouldn't be, I felt very sick, and I still can't think about any food except very plain, salty things, which I always find good when I feel sick - ready salted crisps are the best, and salted crackers, but that has been about the extent of my diet today and yesterday. On the plus side, I had lost weight yesterday morning! Obviously purely because I had thrown up everything I had eaten, and wasn't even able to keep water down, but at least it stopped the weight gain, if I am doing the looking for the silver lining thing. I didn't weigh today as the scales had already been packed in the car by the time I got up this morning, so I will have to see what the total holiday weight gain damage is when I get up tomorrow....

I need to sleep now - I am very tired, despite sleeping for several hours in the car on the way home, as well as last night and most of yesterday. I am hoping that I will feel better in the morning.

Cornwall Day 6

I gained more weight again today. Total weight gained since I came away is now nearly 4lbs. My freak out is naturally now at pretty epic proportions. I don’t know what to say about it – thinking about it is too upsetting.

Shitty weather today – it just rained nonstop all day, so I didn’t really do much – sat about reading, and then this afternoon my mum and I went off to another village nearby for a couple of hours and looked around the shops, but that was about it. Forecast is pretty crap for tomorrow too – grey or drizzly all day. Friday is meant to be dry, but I will be on my way home then. Typically the forecast for the weekend is pretty good. Feel a bit crap today. Think it is mostly the weight stuff getting me down, and then not being able to talk to anyone.

Cornwall Day 5

So it appears that yesterday was the calm before the storm in terms of weight. In the 24 hours between weighing yesterday and today I had gained over a pound, which brings my total weight gain since I have been away up to a little over 3lbs. I was really quite upset about this, naturally. If I had gained 3lbs in half a week, and I carry on at that rate, then that will mean I gain about 6lbs whilst away for one week, which is obviously absolutely shit. Why is it that I can gain this fast, and yet I failed to even lose 2lbs a week?? It seems colossally unfair, and I don’t know what to do. You would have thought that after gaining so much weight today I would have eased up on the food a bit today, but that didn’t really happen either. I had lunch, and then an ice cream, and then we went out for a meal tonight, and I had dessert. I did come home and immediately purge the dessert, which isn’t brilliant, but I don’t actually care if it has saved me from gaining some weight. I already know that my weight tomorrow is going to be disastrous again though – I weighed a minute ago, and if I weigh at night wearing these pyjamas, then I am usually about 2lbs heavier than I am the following morning, and if that is right then I will have gained another pound tomorrow. I am feeling so shit about myself. I have already undone the weight loss from the last couple of weeks, and if I keep going like this then I am going to end up back at the weight I was back in mid July, or even earlier. I feel pathetic, but just thinking about it is making me feel really suicidal. I feel disgustingly greedy and repulsive for letting this happen. I thought if I brought my scales away with me then it might help me to control things a little, but it just isn’t working – unless I do my usual thing of restricting to one meal a day then I will gain weight, and that is absolutely impossible for me when I am away with my parents like this. I really do not know what to do – I am feeling so upset and tense and desperate about it all.

The weather hasn’t been too bad today. Not warm, but we have at least seen the sun, which is something of a novelty. I have managed to get a little bit sunburnt on my face this week, which isn’t really surprising given that I rarely bother to put on any sun cream, and I am incredibly pale. I am currently sporting a fairly red nose, which isn’t too attractive. I went in the sea again earlier this evening. I jumped and dived off the jetty a few times, and then just swum across to the beach. I wasn’t going to, as it wasn’t that hot, but I was about to get in the shower and wash my hair anyway before going out, and since we are literally about 20 metres from the sea I thought I may as well have a swim first. It was bloody cold of course, and I managed to swallow a fair bit of sea water when jumping in, which made me feel a little ill. I kept thinking that surely being in the cold water, and swimming, would have to burn some calories. It won’t be enough though. It never is. The forecast for tomorrow is rain all day, so I won’t do anything remotely active then, but I doubt I will manage to eat much less, so I will be piling on the pounds. Thursday looks like being fairly similar to today weather wise – dry, and some sun, but only about 17 degrees, and reasonably windy. The weather has been pretty disappointing really. I always hope for lovely weather when I come to Cornwall, and it so rarely materialises. I might go snorkelling again on Thursday if the weather does what it is supposed to. At least then I am doing something active, even if it is freezing cold. And then home on Friday, which I have quite mixed feelings about. I am scared that when I get home the weight gain will really hit, and I just won’t be able to cope and will end up a suicidal mess. And I really do love this place, and would like to stay longer – maybe until some good weather arrives. But on the other hand, it will be good to get back to my safe space, and be able to have more control over food, and hopefully my weight, and not be so cut off from people who would usually support me – it is stupidly hard not being able to use my mobile phone, and only having internet access sporadically. But I am quite scared about going home and how I will cope with having gained so much weight when I am back in my normal environment. Badly I suspect...

Cornwall Day 4

I had maintained today, which was the most enormous relief, and which I really wasn’t expecting. I hadn’t had breakfast or lunch, apart from a couple of dry crackers, and I had been snorkelling for half an hour, and I suppose the extreme cold of the water must make your body burn calories, as well as the swimming, but I had still expected to gain, as I had an ice cream in the afternoon, and then we went out for dinner in the evening and I had a main course and a dessert, and so I was sure I would have gained today, but I was exactly the same as yesterday, so that was really good. I will have gained tomorrow though – we went out for a cream tea this afternoon, so I had two scones with clotted cream and jam. Whilst I have been away I have been trying to kind of substitute things, so for example I knew I would be having the scones this afternoon, so I didn’t have any breakfast or lunch to try to make up for it a little bit, and we also ate at home tonight, so I had a toasted cheese sandwich and some lettuce rather than a big meal, but I did then have some crisps and chocolate this evening, which wasn’t so good. But I am hoping overall it won’t be too terrible tomorrow. I think substituting foods like that is about the best way I can cope with things – it isn’t ideal, and it isn’t enough to stop me from gaining weight, but it should at least stop me from gaining as much weight as I would if I ate everything, and it is better than purging. Tomorrow we will be eating out, so that will be quite difficult again – I will try and just have something small at lunch time and as little else as possible.


I would like to go in the sea again really – both for calorie burning reasons, and fun, but today was really windy, and so although it wasn’t actually that cold, it felt it, and it wouldn’t have been any good for snorkelling, which is when I stay in the water for longest – if I was just going in for a swim I probably wouldn’t be in there for long, so it seems a bit pointless. I debated going in this afternoon, but in the end I decided it was just too cold, and I couldn’t face it. I am hoping that tomorrow will be a little better and that I will be able to brave it, but it doesn’t look like it will be if the forecast is anything to go by. The forecast for the rest of the week is pretty shitty really – quite a lot of rain, and strong winds every day, which means I probably won’t want to go out much because it will be too bloody cold. I wanted to go canoeing on the sea, but it looks like it is going to be too windy for that all week, which is a shame, because that is the second year we have wanted to do that and not had calm enough water. And I just think that things like that, and snorkelling, have got to burn so many more calories than sitting around in the house or wandering around the village, which is what I will probably be doing if the weather is crap, and if I am burning more calories then I don’t feel quite so bad about the amount of food I am eating, although it is still difficult obviously.

Cornwall Day 3

This is too hard. I don’t know what to do. I am already at the weight that I had set as my maximum weight for going on holiday and it is only Sunday. I have gained 2lbs since Thursday. I am here until Friday – whatever size will I be by then? I really don’t know how to deal with it. I knew I would gain weight, but I thought I could just keep it to a couple of pounds. But it is already a couple of pounds, and I have only been here for two days. I miss being in my bedroom on my own and not having to eat anything until the evening. I hate being surrounded by food like this – knowing that in the next room there is a massive bag full of sweets, and biscuits, and chocolate. Knowing that if I popped next door I could get an ice cream, or walk up the road two minutes and get a cake. Knowing that I will be expected to go and eat out at least another few times. There are definite advantages to living in the middle of nowhere, not surrounded by shops selling nice things to eat. To staying in my room where there is no food, and keeping away from the kitchen which is full of food. To sleeping all morning, so that by the time I wake up it is already lunch time, and then I can just skip lunch and wait until dinner. I can’t do that here. For a start my bedroom leads off the kitchen. I can’t even get out of the house without going through the kitchen. And then if I do make it out the house then there are ice creams and cakes and clotted cream. I am terrified of how much weight I am going to gain whilst I am here. So far I have been trying really hard to avoid foods that will make me gain loads of weight. I said no to cakes, and I didn’t have dessert when we ate out. I have had ice creams, but that is all. My mum bought me a sausage roll for my lunch today, but I haven’t eaten it. And I have still gained 2lbs. What will happen on the days when I can’t resist dessert, or we go out for scones with clotted cream, or my mum buys cakes? How much weight will I gain then? I hate that my weight can have so much impact on my life. That I care so much about my weight that I can’t eat what I want when I am on holiday, and that gaining 2lbs has set my mood plummeting. I feel so hopeless.

I went in the sea earlier, snorkelling. It was bloody cold. Well, it was ok when I was in, but getting in was painful. Saw some fishes and sand eels and a crab, but nothing too exciting. Well, one of the fishes was very big and ugly, but I didn’t get to see him for long because he hid back under the seaweed. And a little tiny bright blue fish who was darting around on the surface of the water in the shallows, and looked like he belonged somewhere tropical, rather than the freezing cold Cornish water.

It is meant to rain really heavily this afternoon and overnight. Still only seen little glimpses of the sun. It would be nice to have some warm, sunny weather, but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen.

Cornwall

I am down in Cornwall. The car journey wasn't too awful - we left at 5:15am, and my parents had started on the sweets by 7am, but I didn't have any then, and then I think at about 8 I managed to get to sleep for a couple of hours. I had some sweets after that, but not tonnes and tonnes. Then we got here and had a sandwich, and then an ice cream in the afternoon, and then we went out for dinner. I just had a main course, no dessert. Unfortunately I had still gained a pound and a half this morning from when I last weighed on Thursday. I suppose it was pretty predictable really, but it is still hard to deal with. I am trying to be good with food, like not having a dessert last night, and I didn't have a cake after lunch today when my mum offered me one, but short of eating like I usually do, and just having 1 meal a day most of the time, I suppose weight gain is pretty inevitable. We aren't eating out tonight I don't think, so I guess that is good, but I am just scared that I am going to gain every day. I wish I had more will power and didn't give in to things like ice creams, but it is hard, especially when other people are having them. I am more active than I usually am, but not enough to burn off the extra calories. So I am finding it hard.


The weather isn't great - I've not braved the sea yet, although my dad is right this minute. Maybe tomorrow.... There is supposed to be some sun tomorrow, so maybe then. I do have a wetsuit, and there have been lots of people in the sea. I just went outside and there were loads of children/teenagers jumping into the sea off the jetty – all in wetsuits, except for one particularly brave girl in a bikini! The sea is the same temperature whatever the weather, so it doesn't really make any difference when you are in the water - it is getting out when you feel it! Unfortunately I also had another ice cream when I went outside. That is the problem with staying in a cottage virtually next door to the ice cream place....

I have managed to get some internet access by sitting in the garden and getting on an unsecured network, but there is nothing in the house, and no phone reception, so I do feel quite isolated. So much of communication is caught up in technology now - either phone or internet, and when it is difficult to use either then it is quite hard to adjust to. You get so dependent on your mobile phone, and texting etc, and when you suddenly can't use it then it feels quite strange actually. If I was feeling better then I wouldn’t mind, but I do find it hard not having anyone to talk to when I am not feeling too good.
I have been very tired since I got down here. I would like to blame it on the lack of sleep I got before travelling – I only had about 2 hours since we had to leave so early, but then I did have another hour or two in car, and then I was still exhausted, so I had another couple of hours in the afternoon yesterday after we got here. I then went to bed about 10 last night, which is absolutely unheard of for me – I don’t even remember the last time I went to sleep before midnight, so 10 is just crazy, and then I slept for nearly 12 hours, but I was still so tired by about 2 this afternoon that I ended up going to bed again – I had about half an hour’s sleep and I am feeling a little more awake now, but I don’t really know why I am so exhausted.

Stressed

I have been really stressed today. Really anxious and really stressed. I decided I didn't want to go to Cornwall at all because I was just getting too overwhelmed by it. That apparently wasn't an option though, which is fair enough, because if I was going to be left at home on my own for a week and not expected to see anyone then I would overdose - it would be too good an opportunity to miss. Not that my mum said that was why I couldn't stay here, but I suspect she guesses I wouldn't be too good on my own for that long. I tried to pack, but was getting in a bit of a state - it was all just so confusing. I managed to sort out everything I wanted to take in the end, although I will of course have forgotten something. The bikini has been left at home - the weather forecast is shit anyway, but even so a bikini is just too much (or rather too little) for me at the moment - I would feel hideously exposed. It was difficult finding enough trousers to take, since there are so few that fit me. I do actually have quite a few pairs that I can get into now, but they just feel uncomfortable and too small. They would fit ok in a few more pounds. I am exactly 2lbs heavier than my very reasonable goal weight was for going away, so I feel quite disappointed with myself. We have had a nightmare with packing. We ordered roof bars for the car, and had borrowed a roof box. We were getting worried as the roof bars didn't arrive until today, but they came, everyone breathed a sigh of relief, fixed them to the car, everything was good. Went to put the roof box on. Didn't fit. So we have had to cram everything into the car. 3 people and a very big dog, and then all of our clothes, bedding, towels, etc etc etc. The car is absolutely jam packed, and we have had to leave some non essential things behind. I insisted that the scales were essential.

It sounds ridiculous taking scales on holiday. I am aware of that. And it isn't even that I can't go a week without weighing myself, because I could - that isn't what worries me. What worries me is coming back and seeing how much I have gained and just completely freaking out and not being able to cope. Therefore I decided it would be more sensible to take them with me, so that I at least could see what my weight was doing, and could feel slightly more in control of it, and therefore hopefully avoid a complete meltdown when I get back. I am not sure how it is going to work out, but I do genuinely think that it will be better for my mental health to know what my weight is doing whilst I am away than come back to a shock that I may well not be able to deal with. I am trying to be responsible.

I am scared of the amount of food that will be around. Just the quantity of sweets my mother has bought for the car journey is obscene. She deems it absolutely essential to have an almost non stop stream of food on any journey lasting longer than about 45 minutes - she likes constant hand to mouth action going on. For the car journey we have; chocolate eclairs, toffees, wine gums, fruit gums, fruit pastilles, lemon bon bons, Fox's glacier fruits, and probably other things I have forgotten. She justifies this by saying it is for the journey back as well. There are 3 of us. 3 people. And that is an insane amount of sweets. Some of it will be eaten down there as well I suppose, but even so, it is just ridiculous. It is ok for her - she can eat a ridiculous amount of food and stay thin. I can't do that. Then of course we have lunch packed, although that is a more normal quantity of food. I will eat as few of the sweets as I can, but I find it so difficult when things are in front of me like that, and other people are eating. Then when we are down there we will eat out at least a few times, and even when we aren't eating out I will be expected to eat at least 2 meals a day, plus there will be loads of things like ice cream and scones, and all the sorts of things I love eating but that are packed full of calories. I wish I didn't care, but I do. I care enormously. And I wish I had the will power to just turn down things like that, but the majority of the time I just don't. I am finding the thought of all of that very stressful.

I am also worried about being out of my comfort zone, particularly when I am going to be so challenged with food, which will be very difficult. And I am really worried about not having any support. I won't have any internet access where I am staying. The social club in the village has internet you can pay to use, so I will do that, but I seem to think it is quite expensive, so I don't know how often I will be able to get on it, and obviously it isn't like just being able to get online whenever you want if you have to go off somewhere to use the internet. I get a lot of my support via the internet - I talk to my friends online, I email people, and of course I have this blog. Not being able to access all of that whenever I want will be difficult. And possibly even more difficult is the fact that phone reception is virtually non existant. In the village itself there is no signal at all. If you walk along the cliff path a little way you can usually get some signal, but it is not reliable. So I can't even communicate via calls and texts. I can't talk to my friends. I can't talk to L. I will be in a stressful situation, with virtually no means of getting any support from anyone, and that is scary.

My parents are not understanding. I got a bit upset earlier and my mum told me to stop being silly and that I had nothing to be stressed about. When I said that I was worried about things and wouldn't have anyone to talk to she said that I could talk to her. That seems fairly futile if her response is going to be to tell me to stop being silly. I am just feeling very anxious and stressed about it all. I am trying to think of the positives - I love Cornwall, it is the most relaxing place I know, the sea is fantastic, it is beautiful. There are lots of good things. But at the moment they feel outweighed by how tense and anxious I feel.

I need to sleep now, as we are leaving in 4 hours, at 5am. Fun fun fun. I am not sure when I will next get online, but I will keep writing and update whenever I can get online. Night night!

Very excited!

I am so excited - I got into the concert that I audiitoned for! I am absolutely amazed I got in, I really was not expecting it at all. People applied from all over the country and only 12 people got in, and I am one of them - how insane is that?! I am not allowed to say anything on Facebook or anything yet, as some people who haven't got in won't get their rejection letters for a week or two, and so they don't want people finding out via Facebook status' etc, which is extrememely frustrating! There has been a private Facebook group created for the people who have been cast, and of the other 2 members in the group so far, one is from the other end of the country, which is pretty crazy because it shows how people must have just applied from everywhere, and the other has just graduated from a really good drama school, and is apparently really good (we have mutual friends, as I have several friends who have trained there, and it has always been my dream school). I just cannot believe that I got in. It is just so crazy. It makes me think I must not be as crap as I usually think I am, to have been cast in something as big as this. AND the icing on the cake, is that of the list of female songs that will be used in the concert I got the one that I would have picked first! I will be doing Nothing from A Chorus Line, which I sung at my audition, and I absolutely love. There are a couple of other songs on the list that would have been good, but none that I love quite as much as Nothing (Cabaret is a close second, and Sally Bowles would be my dream role overall, but as a concert song, rather than a song sung in the context of a musical I think Nothing is perfect). I am really excited and just amazed to have got in, and then to have got the song I would have chosen is just perfect. I can't explain on here why this concert is such a big deal, because it could give away my identity, but if anyone is curious/a theatre geek and wants to know then send me an email.

Right, onto negative stuff. Today has been atrocious food wise, and I am panicking big time. I went to the cinema with a friend tonight to see Toy Story 3 (very good, but I think 3D films make me feel a bit sick?!) and she wanted popcorn, and asked if I would share a big bag with her. I didn't like to say no, as she obviously wanted it, so I had loads of bloody popcorn, and I had already eaten as many calories today as I am comfortable with for a day's intake. Then I weighed at about midnight, and I was a pound heavier than I should have been if I were to maintain tomorrow, so I know I will have gained weight, and that is really bad. I also had a little freak out because my mum produced the bag of sweets she has bought for the car journey to Cornwall. It is ridiculous. There are 3 of us, and there are so many packets of sweets. When my mum is in the car she likes to eat constantly, and whilst ideally I would just say 'no thank you, I am not hungry', if somebody is eating something I like, or offers me something I like I can't say no, and so I will eat loads of sweets in the car on the way there, when I would normally still be asleep, since we leave at stupid o'clock in the morning, and then we will stop for lunch, and then obviously have dinner in the evening when we are down there etc. Food on holiday is already scaring me enormously and I haven't even left home yet. I have warned my mum that the scales are most definitely coming with me. She asked if I couldn't just relax on holiday and ignore it, but she didn't put up too much of a fight - probably because she knows it would be pretty futile. Although taking scales on holiday sounds a bit bad, I do genuinely think it will be better having them there than getting home and having an enormous freak out at my weight - I don't know what that would lead to, whereas at least if I have the scales to check on my weight, then I have some control over it, in that I can force myself to eat less if it is just getting too difficult to deal with, whereas if I don't know what I weigh I will just eat too much all week, gain a shit load of weight, come back and weigh myself, and have a complete breakdown. It isn't looking like beachwear is going to be an issue - the weather forecast is terrible. Which is kind of unfortunate, as apart from the beachwear issue, good weather is good as I am far more likely to be active and do lots of swimming in the sea and walking etc, which all burns calories, whereas if the weather is awful I will just sit around, and still eat as much, which obviously means more weight gain. Plus obviously it is just nice to have good weather when you are away! And I have bought a brand new wetsuit and snorkel which I want to use. Typically, the weather looks like it is going to get quite warm up here, although wet, but down in Cornwall it is a terrible forecast. Ahh, I am so scared about food whilst I am away. It is really freaking me out and upsetting me. I love Cornwall, but I just don't want to go right now. It is all too scary. Why do all foods that taste good have so many calories in them?!

Tired

I had lost weight today, half a pound. I really wasn't expecting it after the stupid bloody caramel shortbread fiasco of yesterday, so that was good. I am still nearly 2lbs off what my short term target weight was for going away though, so I feel pretty useless. I am going to the cinema tonight with a friend to see Toy Story 3. I don't feel like going out, but I guess it will be ok. I am really tired. And really stressed about going away. I have to pack tomorrow, which will get me even more stressed - trying to decide which clothes I can fit into and take, and which are a bit tight etc will make me feel bad. I am really wishing I wasn't going at the moment, which is a shame, because I love Cornwall, but it doesn't feel worth the stress at the moment.

Frustration

I am furious with myself. I was doing well today. I woke up, got ready for dance, took a banana to eat on the way there, danced, dashed into the shops for an hour to buy some cardigans and sandals, came home, changed quickly as I was still in dance gear, went off for my appointment with L, and by the time I left there it was 5pm, and I had danced for an hour and a quarter and still only had a banana - so far so good. Then I had to go to my sister's because she was running me home, and there was a box of little inch square caramel shortbread things that she offered me. I thought one would be ok, as I had danced etc, so I ate one. And it was so good that I had another one. And then another one. And another one. 4 in total. Hundreds and hundreds of calories. For nothing. Just pure greed. I feel completely disgusted with myself. That is why it is not safe being out of my house. In my bedroom there is no food and it is fine. Downstairs is more dangerous, as the kitchen is always tempting, but other people's houses are even worse. And then I got home at about 7 and had to have dinner as my mum had cooked pasta. I am feeling really hideous about myself now. I had lost weight today, and until half 5 I was feeling good about today, and then I just fucked up the whole day because of my stupid bloody greed. I am getting more and more stressed about going away. I will eat far more than I have been every day, and I will pile on loads of weight. I am feeling really quite scared about it. I just can't deal with it. I am already absolutely determined to take the scales with me, which my mum will be angry about, but that will at least be some reassurance for me, and if I am gaining weight then maybe I will be able to force myself to cut down before it gets too out of control. If I came home and had gained 5lbs or something, which wouldn't be difficult as I gain weight very easily, I would just completely freak out, more than I could cope with. Actually I think I would probably try to kill myself. That sounds ridiculous and extreme, but losing weight is the only thing that is keeping me going really, and if I gain back everything I have lost then I don't know what I could do. I am already feeling out of control and I am not even going for another couple of days. I wish I wasn't going. Staying home feels so much safer right now. I am getting really anxious just thinking about it all. I just want to stay here.

Eating

I am feeling vaguely smug - I managed not to eat anything until dinner at 7, and then I didn't eat anything after either. Feeling quite pleased with myself as it is pretty rare that I don't eat before or after dinner - usually it is at least one side, if not both. I had better have lost weight tomorrow, or I will be furious. I am fairly confident I will have but you never know. I weighed myself at midnight, in my pyjamas, and I weighed the same then as I did naked yesterday morning, and although my weight was lower today than yesterday, I am hoping that means it will have gone down again tomorrow. It has 10 hours to lose 1lb (including pyjama weight) to make me slightly lower than today, although obviously I would like to be lower than that. It should be ok, yes? I really hope so. I always want to bang my head against the wall when I have gained weight, and it is quite a hard wall, as I have learnt from previous experience. I shouldn't be so pleased with myself for not eating, but I just can't help it. If I could do that every day then I would. Losing weight means more to me than anything else I can think of at the moment.

Slow day

Today is going incredibly slowly. I have only been awake 2 and a half hours, and it feels like at least 5 times that. I don't know what to do with myself. And I hate feeling like this, because it makes me want to eat. I know I am not actually hungry, but when I am bored I think I am hungry, and at the moment I just want to eat. I want to wait until tonight, ie after 6 before I eat, but that is still over 2 hours away. I need to find something to do to stop myself thinking about food. My weight was down a bit again today - back to the same as it was 2 days ago. It really is like a yoyo. The overall pattern the last couple of months has been down, but it is so bloody slow, because I keep gaining back what I lose, or most of it. It is really frustrating. And I am just so terrified that whilst I am away I will gain back everything I have lost, as really this last month I have only lost about 4lbs, and it would be so easy to put that back on. I feel really angry and disappointed with myself for not having lost more. It makes me feel like a failure. If I added up everything I had lost it would be loads, but then other days I gain most of it back. It is ridiculous. I need to find a way to keep it coming off, rather than yoyoing up and down, or I am never going to lose a significant amount.

T is coming over later. I am not really in the mood to see anyone, I would rather have stayed in my pyjamas, but he has rehearsals tomorrow and Wednesday and then I am off to Cornwall the early hours of Friday morning. So anyway, he is coming over with DVDs again. Tomorrow I have a dance class in the morning (cue the eating issue yet again), and then I am seeing L in the afternoon.

It is now after 5, so I have managed to waste a fair bit of time writing this and pissing about on Facebook, so not toooo long until I can eat now....

Audition

Audition over and done. It went ok. I sung Nothing from A Chorus Line. I could have done it better - in fact I think I did in my lesson Thursday, but it was ok, and then they asked me to sing part of Cabaret, which was okish, but I could have done with the music really, as although I have sung it before, it isn't part of my usual repertoire, so I don't have it prepared to the standard I would other songs. It was all ok, I don't know. Depends how good everyone else was I suppose! I did feel a bit clogged up still from my cold and sore throat - I steamed last night and this morning, but there is still lots of nasty stuff blocking me up, so that wasn't ideal. I did all I could in the circumstances though, so that's that done.

Miraculously I wore the first outfit I put on! That never happens. Well, I did try 2 pairs of shoes with it, and change my top once, and then back to the first one, but I don't even count that! Lucky I did decide quickly though, as I didn't have any spare time. I ended up doing my make up in the car as usual. I always seem to have to do my make up in the car. One day I will be on time for something and have got ready and done all my make up and everything at home, instead of rushing around late and doing eyeliner on country lanes....

Weight is shit. I had bloody gained again today, so this week I managed to gain half a pound. Am beyond unimpressed with myself. I clearly don't have enough self restraint. I am getting quite stressed about going away. Obviously there is the worry about what I can wear, and not having clothes etc, but I am getting quite concerned about food etc whilst I am away. There is no way I will be able to stick to my usual thing of not eating until the evening, and generally we eat a lot more away than we do at home. We eat out quite a lot, and then lots of things like ice creams, and obviously clotted cream and scones, because it is Cornwall, and that is what you do in Cornwall. And I am quite stressed thinking about the amount of food I will eat, and the amount of weight I will gain. I will restrict where I can, but it is much harder when my parents are around all the time, like they will be when we are away, than when I am in the house on my own, like I often am here. I am scared of how much food I will eat, I am scared of being desperate to purge all the time and not being able to, I am terrified of gaining weight. I am not sure how I will cope with it. If I came home and had gained a lot, then I really would not be able to cope with it, and I am worried that it could trigger a really bad patch, because even gaining half a pound today absolutely devastated me. Going on holiday should be fun, but it is just endless stress - about clothes, about not being in my safe space, about food, about weight. Just everything.