I am pissed off. I was reading a book earlier and it annoyed me, enough that I felt I needed to blog about it. The book is 'Bedside Stories - Confessions of a Junior Doctor', by Michael Foxton, and it is a good book. It is basically a Junior Doctor's account of his first 2 years working as a Doctor. I found him likeable, and the book was funny, parts of it very funny. I would recommend it if you like that kind of book. However, what pissed me off was his attitude towards personality disorders. Fairly on in the book there was a reference to PDs, which I thought seemed quite negative, but it was brief and I just kind of ignored it. Then later on there was another one, but again I was able to gloss over it. This one I wasn't able to gloss over. He was working in Psychiatry, and was risk assessing a girl who was presenting in A&E as suicidal.
'It's a blatant personality disorder, a world full of frustration, untreatable, incessant, lifelong maladaptive, manipulative, anxiety inducing nightmare punters from hell. I just don't get them. I think that's because nobody does.
Right then, don't hold back - let's hear what you really think about personality disorders shall we? What really got me about that quote was how accusing he sounds. A 'blatant personality disorder'. Sounds like it could be rephrased as 'Blatant attention seeking'. So what if someone has a personality disorder? Personality disorders are valid mental illnesses. Patients with a Borderline Personality Disorder make up about 20% of inpatient admissions, and approximately 10% of people with a BPD diagnosis commit suicide. I really genuinely do appreciate that some personality disorder presentations must be frustrating for staff. I know people with personality disorder diagnoses who frequently attend A&E having taken a few painkillers, or having self harmed superficially, and I understand that A&E staff must get frustrated with this. But people doing this ARE still ill, and I think the fact they are needing to do that implies that they probably need more, or different, support to that which they are currently receiving. And finally, not everyone with a personality disorder is the manipulative attention seeker that he is making out.
Turning up at A&E when you are feeling strongly suicidal is really not an easy thing to do. For a start, you feel very divided about going full stop - after all, you are suicidal. But sometimes you can just manage that last grasp for help before you fall totally off the edge. And then you come across staff who clearly have the sort of attitude expressed above, and it just succeeds in making you feel worse about yourself. Michael Foxton's attitude towards people with Depression is very different. He seems sympathetic and understanding. So why the change when someone has a personality disorder diagnosis? It really makes me angry when I hear of professionals with this type of attitude. It is unhelpful and distressing, and I think probably still far too common.
Oh, and at the end of his House Officer training years, Michael Foxton became a Psychiatrist. Comforting, huh?
Sunday, 28 February 2010
Friday, 26 February 2010
I hate titles
So, the stopping gaining that I referred to last week hasn't happened unfortunately. Another 2lbs have been added. Nice one. I have been trying hard. I even forced myself to go to both my ballet classes this week, which ok, is only 2 hours exercise, but you would think it would be better than none right? Clearly wrong. 3 BMI points in 6 months. Not on. 2 clothes sizes. None of my normal trousers fit anymore. I got really upset a couple of days ago as I got out some trousers to wear that I haven't worn for a while, as when I was at a lower weight they were too big for me, so I thought they would fit now. I couldn't do them up. Every time I have to get dressed I end up crying because nothing fits, and I feel so enormous.
Last night I decided I hated the world, as it is clearly conspiring to make me fat. This included, but was not limited to, Dr E, Dr O, L, N and my parents. Everyone I come into contact with basically. I decided it was mostly Dr E's fault for taking me off my meds, which has only managed to make me fat and more depressed. I have less hatred today, probably because I was actually half a pound less this morning, but I am still not happy with Dr E. And actually, I was talking to a friend the other day, and it reminded me about my last appointment with Dr E, which I had forgotten about.
Before I went in she said she had a medical student with her and was that ok. I don't have a problem with students - they have to learn, so I said that was fine. I regretted that afterwards. Dr E was asking me the same sort of questions as usual, but every time I said something that she didn't agree with, she gave her med student a look. A kind of 'Did you hear that?' look. Or a smirk. Or a semi eye roll. Things that made me feel about 5, and very patronised. And that to be honest, I thought were pretty unprofessional. I don't usually have a problem with Dr E. As psychiatrists go, she is probably my 2nd favourite of all of those I have seen. But not that appointment. If she has a med student with her again I will not have them sitting in on my appointment, which I kind of feel bad about, because the med student didn't do anything wrong, but I really disliked the way that appointment made me feel, because of the way that Dr E was with them. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like it is just me that feels like that. My friend also sees Dr E, and has also had a med student in one of her appointments and said that the same thing happened with her, or that if her CPN goes to her appointments with her then Dr E will do the same thing with the CPN that she did with the med student. Surely she should be more professional than that? If she doesn't agree with what I am saying, fine, but she doesn't need to show it in a way that will make me feel bad about myself. It can be hard enough for people with mental health problems to talk to Consultant Psychiatrists anyway - we all know who has the power in that relationship, plus it is hard talking honestly to anyone that you only see for 20 minutes once a month, or once every 3 or 6 months. We don't need the consultant to make it even more difficult by their attitude. I was supposed to see Dr E this week, but I had to cancel as I couldn't get there, so am waiting for a new appointment to come through, and am hoping it is more successful than the above.
I saw Dr O today. I get the impression she maybe doesn't really 'get' eating disorders/weight issues. I told her that since I last saw her I had gained half a stone. Firstly she didn't believe me and wanted to weigh me. She looked utterly baffled by my slightly hysterical refusal to be weighed. And told me about a patient she had seen earlier in the week who had weighed 180 kilos. Apparently the scales had protested and they had both ended up laughing a lot about it all. She assured me that I didn't weigh that much, and I wouldn't break her scales. She then said she thought I was gaining weight on purpose (!!) so that they would prescribe the Tryptophan again. I said that I am certainly not gaining weight on purpose, and that I end up crying most days when I weigh myself. Her solution was to stop weighing myself and get rid of the scales.... So anyway, I am now thinking she possibly isn't too hot with EDs. Although reading this makes it sound like she is a really shit Doctor, and she isn't, and I do like her. She just seems to come out with some slightly odd statements.
My sleep is still very bad. I have given up watching the Olympics, but I am still awake all night. I got to sleep about half 6 this morning. Actually, I should probably have tried to get some sleeping tablets. Although they never actually help me sleep, so it probably wouldn't have been worth it. At the moment I don't really have any motivation to try and sort out my sleep anyway. Or anything else for that matter.
Last night I decided I hated the world, as it is clearly conspiring to make me fat. This included, but was not limited to, Dr E, Dr O, L, N and my parents. Everyone I come into contact with basically. I decided it was mostly Dr E's fault for taking me off my meds, which has only managed to make me fat and more depressed. I have less hatred today, probably because I was actually half a pound less this morning, but I am still not happy with Dr E. And actually, I was talking to a friend the other day, and it reminded me about my last appointment with Dr E, which I had forgotten about.
Before I went in she said she had a medical student with her and was that ok. I don't have a problem with students - they have to learn, so I said that was fine. I regretted that afterwards. Dr E was asking me the same sort of questions as usual, but every time I said something that she didn't agree with, she gave her med student a look. A kind of 'Did you hear that?' look. Or a smirk. Or a semi eye roll. Things that made me feel about 5, and very patronised. And that to be honest, I thought were pretty unprofessional. I don't usually have a problem with Dr E. As psychiatrists go, she is probably my 2nd favourite of all of those I have seen. But not that appointment. If she has a med student with her again I will not have them sitting in on my appointment, which I kind of feel bad about, because the med student didn't do anything wrong, but I really disliked the way that appointment made me feel, because of the way that Dr E was with them. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like it is just me that feels like that. My friend also sees Dr E, and has also had a med student in one of her appointments and said that the same thing happened with her, or that if her CPN goes to her appointments with her then Dr E will do the same thing with the CPN that she did with the med student. Surely she should be more professional than that? If she doesn't agree with what I am saying, fine, but she doesn't need to show it in a way that will make me feel bad about myself. It can be hard enough for people with mental health problems to talk to Consultant Psychiatrists anyway - we all know who has the power in that relationship, plus it is hard talking honestly to anyone that you only see for 20 minutes once a month, or once every 3 or 6 months. We don't need the consultant to make it even more difficult by their attitude. I was supposed to see Dr E this week, but I had to cancel as I couldn't get there, so am waiting for a new appointment to come through, and am hoping it is more successful than the above.
I saw Dr O today. I get the impression she maybe doesn't really 'get' eating disorders/weight issues. I told her that since I last saw her I had gained half a stone. Firstly she didn't believe me and wanted to weigh me. She looked utterly baffled by my slightly hysterical refusal to be weighed. And told me about a patient she had seen earlier in the week who had weighed 180 kilos. Apparently the scales had protested and they had both ended up laughing a lot about it all. She assured me that I didn't weigh that much, and I wouldn't break her scales. She then said she thought I was gaining weight on purpose (!!) so that they would prescribe the Tryptophan again. I said that I am certainly not gaining weight on purpose, and that I end up crying most days when I weigh myself. Her solution was to stop weighing myself and get rid of the scales.... So anyway, I am now thinking she possibly isn't too hot with EDs. Although reading this makes it sound like she is a really shit Doctor, and she isn't, and I do like her. She just seems to come out with some slightly odd statements.
My sleep is still very bad. I have given up watching the Olympics, but I am still awake all night. I got to sleep about half 6 this morning. Actually, I should probably have tried to get some sleeping tablets. Although they never actually help me sleep, so it probably wouldn't have been worth it. At the moment I don't really have any motivation to try and sort out my sleep anyway. Or anything else for that matter.
Saturday, 20 February 2010
So.....
I haven't written anything for a while. Don't really seem to have much to say at the moment. I am feeling quite flat/numb most of the time. I am still really unhappy with my weight and struggling on that front. I ordered some weight loss tablets earlier. Nothing drastic or dangerous - just some herbal ones from a health shop. Figured I would try those before I went for the Ephedra. So I have ordered some Hoodia, just to try and curb my appetite. If they don't work I will order some Ephedra. I feel so enormous. I do know logically that I am not fat - if BMI 20 - 25 is healthy (I say if because so many BMI guides say 18.5 - 25, but Doctors and health people always say 20, and I believe that it is officially 20 for Caucasians) then I am at the low end of that, but it is a big increase from my BMI of 17.5 in September. Even in the last 3 or 4 weeks I have gained about 6lbs, which is a lot. And actually it is those 6lbs that have made the difference between me feeling ok in my clothes, and not wanting to get dressed because everything is so tight, so I am going to focus on losing that first, before I think about long term. But I need to stop gaining first!
I was supposed to be seeing L today, but she was off sick, and she is on leave next week, so that isn't too good. I haven't seen her since tuesday of last week, so that is a week and a half ago already, and it will be another week and a half before I see her, so it will be 3 weeks between appointments, which is really hard when I am used to seeing her every week. I do get annoyed with myself for being so dependant on people. That is the trouble with therapy, and getting so attached. It does make it really difficult when I have to miss a week for any reason, and even 1 week to the next feels like a long time. It isn't only down to attachment - it is partly because it can be such a relief to have the chance to talk about everything and just get it all out, and it is the only time I even come close to doing that. So it is really difficult when that hour and a half disappears an hour before. I don't blame L at all, it isn't her fault she is ill - it is just unfortunate, and it is difficult when you have expected a session and then don't get it, and also unfortunate that she isn't there next week. I am seeing N next week, on tuesday, so at least that is something. She had this week off, so I haven't seen anyone at all next week. I was due to be seeing Dr E next week as well, but I have had to cancel as I can't get there when my mum is at work, so I am waiting to hear when that will be rearranged for. And I am seeing Dr O on friday, but that is just a little chat really.
My sleep is very bad still. At the moment I can use the Olympics as an excuse to an extent (did anybody see the Women's Skeleton tonight? So exciting!), but I am sleeping until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, which even I admit is not terribly good. When I spoke to L the other day she said we really need to work on improving that. For some reason the day scares me a bit. I think it is partly because when things are really bad I don't like being awake in the day, as I know that I have the whole day on my own and it feels really unsafe, and also psychologically the day feels shorter if I wake up later - I know it isn't, but if I wake up in the afternoon then I can tell myself the day is nearly over, whereas if I wake up in the morning the day feels painfully long. Also, if I don't wake up until the afternoon there is less time left for eating... But I do accept I need to improve my sleep, even if it goes back to waking up at 12 or so, that would be a vast improvement. There is just so much I need to work on, it all feels a bit overwhelming.
I was supposed to be seeing L today, but she was off sick, and she is on leave next week, so that isn't too good. I haven't seen her since tuesday of last week, so that is a week and a half ago already, and it will be another week and a half before I see her, so it will be 3 weeks between appointments, which is really hard when I am used to seeing her every week. I do get annoyed with myself for being so dependant on people. That is the trouble with therapy, and getting so attached. It does make it really difficult when I have to miss a week for any reason, and even 1 week to the next feels like a long time. It isn't only down to attachment - it is partly because it can be such a relief to have the chance to talk about everything and just get it all out, and it is the only time I even come close to doing that. So it is really difficult when that hour and a half disappears an hour before. I don't blame L at all, it isn't her fault she is ill - it is just unfortunate, and it is difficult when you have expected a session and then don't get it, and also unfortunate that she isn't there next week. I am seeing N next week, on tuesday, so at least that is something. She had this week off, so I haven't seen anyone at all next week. I was due to be seeing Dr E next week as well, but I have had to cancel as I can't get there when my mum is at work, so I am waiting to hear when that will be rearranged for. And I am seeing Dr O on friday, but that is just a little chat really.
My sleep is very bad still. At the moment I can use the Olympics as an excuse to an extent (did anybody see the Women's Skeleton tonight? So exciting!), but I am sleeping until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, which even I admit is not terribly good. When I spoke to L the other day she said we really need to work on improving that. For some reason the day scares me a bit. I think it is partly because when things are really bad I don't like being awake in the day, as I know that I have the whole day on my own and it feels really unsafe, and also psychologically the day feels shorter if I wake up later - I know it isn't, but if I wake up in the afternoon then I can tell myself the day is nearly over, whereas if I wake up in the morning the day feels painfully long. Also, if I don't wake up until the afternoon there is less time left for eating... But I do accept I need to improve my sleep, even if it goes back to waking up at 12 or so, that would be a vast improvement. There is just so much I need to work on, it all feels a bit overwhelming.
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Golden Gate bridge
So I just saw this article and am a little unsure about the whole thing. If someone is determined enough to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge they must be pretty strongly suicidal, and so if they know that isn't going to work they will probably just do something else. I think I agree with the view that the article says some people hold - that $50million could be better spent on MH services. Or I might just be pissed off because I have always liked the idea of jumping off the Golden Gate bridge.
Improvement?
I am watching the Winter Olympics. I am not sure why really. Quite like watching the people fall over, but I know nothing about any of the Winter sports, although I do a fairly good line in pretending to be knowledgable about the figure skating thanks to avidly watching Dancing on Ice and being a dancer. I like watching Dancing on Ice and saying 'What hideous lines - look at those arms!', or 'Oh dear, what a horrible leg line in that spiral (except I call it an arabesque because I am a dancer, and therefore calling it a spiral makes no sense to me - spiral implies turning, not sticking your leg in the air!) - they really need to work on their turnout' and then feeling clever when one of the judges says the same thing. I am watching the bumpy skiing at the moment. What a random sport?! That's the thing with the Winter Olympics, they just seem to make up loads of sports. The Summer Olympics do it to an extent - Beach Volleyball anyone?! But not like the Winter Olympics.
Right, enough waffling about sports I know nothing about. I am actually doing a bit better than I have been the last few weeks. I still feel like shit, and am still thinking about suicide a lot of the time, but I am not finding the thoughts nearly so overwhelming on the whole. They are still there, but for some reason I can tolerate them at the moment, I don't feel compelled to act on them. Sure, I would still like to - I still don't want to be alive, but I am not hideously desperate at the moment in the same way that I was. What bothers me now is that I should be feeling positive about this - I am doing a bit better. I can tolerate having the TV on, I have been able to read a bit - generally I am finding it easier to distract myself, and my concentration is a bit better. But even though I am feeling better, I still want to die. It isn't even fear of things getting worse - even if I knew things would never get any worse than this, I would still want to die. I suppose to be fair to myself things are still pretty shit - I still have no motivation to do anything, sleep is bad, concentration is bad (although improved), body image is atrocious, anxiety is bad. I would say my mood rating has moved from maybe 0 to 2 on average (on a scale of 1 to 10 - 10 being able to get out the house, get some enjoyment from things, have motivation etc etc, rather than being 'happy'). But it is a massive relief - even if I am still not feeling able to get out of bed much, and certainly not wanting to dress or leave the house, I am not hiding under my covers crying and hyperventilating and desperately trying to fight the urges to kill myself. And that will do for now.
Unfortunately my body image and weight issues are the worst they have been for a while. Or rather I perceive it as being the worst - from a disordered point of view I was worse in the summer when I was bordering on an Anorexic weight and severely restricting my intake. But to me this is worse because I feel enormous - I am 17lbs heavier than I was in August, and that is incredibly difficult to deal with, plus a lot of the weight gain has been very recent - in the last month I have gained about 5lbs, and the thing that scares me is that it is showing no signs of stopping; if anything I am gaining faster. I know that this is my fault - that I am eating too much, the wrong foods etc etc, but I just don't seem able to stop myself. When my mood is very low I either restrict severely, or comfort eat and gain weight, and sometimes get into a pattern of purging. In the summer things were bad, and I restricted and lost weight, and although I am sure that MH professionals would judge my eating as being much worse then than now (I am actually eating a fairly 'normal' diet, if somewhat carb/sugar heavy, and at random times, but calorie wise it is pretty reasonable), for me this is just horrific - stepping on the scales does literally make me want to kill myself, as does catching sight of my body in the mirror, or measuring myself, which I made the mistake of doing the other day. I just don't know what to do about it. I know it isn't a great idea health wise, but I have been looking at buying weight loss tablets online, and am seriously considering it. I desperately need something to curb my appetite so that I can get back in control of my eating, I don't actually care if it affects my physical health. Even though I am doing a bit better depression wise, I still feel completely out of control of things, and I still desperately want to get something back, and eating really does seem the only thing possible.
Right, enough waffling about sports I know nothing about. I am actually doing a bit better than I have been the last few weeks. I still feel like shit, and am still thinking about suicide a lot of the time, but I am not finding the thoughts nearly so overwhelming on the whole. They are still there, but for some reason I can tolerate them at the moment, I don't feel compelled to act on them. Sure, I would still like to - I still don't want to be alive, but I am not hideously desperate at the moment in the same way that I was. What bothers me now is that I should be feeling positive about this - I am doing a bit better. I can tolerate having the TV on, I have been able to read a bit - generally I am finding it easier to distract myself, and my concentration is a bit better. But even though I am feeling better, I still want to die. It isn't even fear of things getting worse - even if I knew things would never get any worse than this, I would still want to die. I suppose to be fair to myself things are still pretty shit - I still have no motivation to do anything, sleep is bad, concentration is bad (although improved), body image is atrocious, anxiety is bad. I would say my mood rating has moved from maybe 0 to 2 on average (on a scale of 1 to 10 - 10 being able to get out the house, get some enjoyment from things, have motivation etc etc, rather than being 'happy'). But it is a massive relief - even if I am still not feeling able to get out of bed much, and certainly not wanting to dress or leave the house, I am not hiding under my covers crying and hyperventilating and desperately trying to fight the urges to kill myself. And that will do for now.
Unfortunately my body image and weight issues are the worst they have been for a while. Or rather I perceive it as being the worst - from a disordered point of view I was worse in the summer when I was bordering on an Anorexic weight and severely restricting my intake. But to me this is worse because I feel enormous - I am 17lbs heavier than I was in August, and that is incredibly difficult to deal with, plus a lot of the weight gain has been very recent - in the last month I have gained about 5lbs, and the thing that scares me is that it is showing no signs of stopping; if anything I am gaining faster. I know that this is my fault - that I am eating too much, the wrong foods etc etc, but I just don't seem able to stop myself. When my mood is very low I either restrict severely, or comfort eat and gain weight, and sometimes get into a pattern of purging. In the summer things were bad, and I restricted and lost weight, and although I am sure that MH professionals would judge my eating as being much worse then than now (I am actually eating a fairly 'normal' diet, if somewhat carb/sugar heavy, and at random times, but calorie wise it is pretty reasonable), for me this is just horrific - stepping on the scales does literally make me want to kill myself, as does catching sight of my body in the mirror, or measuring myself, which I made the mistake of doing the other day. I just don't know what to do about it. I know it isn't a great idea health wise, but I have been looking at buying weight loss tablets online, and am seriously considering it. I desperately need something to curb my appetite so that I can get back in control of my eating, I don't actually care if it affects my physical health. Even though I am doing a bit better depression wise, I still feel completely out of control of things, and I still desperately want to get something back, and eating really does seem the only thing possible.
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Mostly weight
Today has been quite difficult. I wrote this last night
'I thought the other day that even though I feel like shit, maybe I should keep going a bit longer. Maybe I should give myself a bit more time to see if things improve. Then I saw my weight this morning, and it completely changed my mind. I need to kill myself before I get any fatter. Nothing is right. I hate that I have tried so so hard this week, it has just been a nonstop battle with my head, and what do I get in return? Weight gain, to make me feel even more shit about myself, and more suicidal. And I know it is my fault for being such a disgusting, greedy cow, which makes it even worse. But I just can’t stop eating.
I will have to get dressed tomorrow to go and see L and I just feel so ashamed of myself. I feel like everyone will be staring at me because they will see how fat I have got. I hate myself for being so disgusting and greedy.
I have had no energy lately. Even worse than usual. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I wake up, and even if I have slept reasonably well and for a decent length of time, I just feel absolutely exhausted. My limbs feel like they weigh a tonne each, moving them takes real effort. And I just want to sleep all the time. But then when I try to sleep I can’t because of my head. It just feels like everything is wrong with me. I don’t know what I was thinking with my let’s give it a bit longer thing. I just didn’t want to hurt people, and I still don’t, but I am really not meant to be alive. I am just like a shell. I am already dead inside'
I couldn't sleep last night, and I had to get up this morning at a reasonable time as I was seeing L at 11, and only ended up with about 4 hours sleep, so that hasn't helped with the exhaustion. Then this morning I had gained another pound. I didn't actually want to go and see L, which is unusual for me, but I just felt so disgusting and ashamed of myself. Plus I just really don't feel like I trust anyone at the moment, I don't know why. I wore a skirt in the deluded hope that people wouldn't be able to see my size as clearly as if I was in trousers, but I don't think it helped. Then the first thing I thought when I saw her was how thin she looked, she looked really tiny today, and that made me feel even worse about myself. I think partly because of this, and partly because of not feeling very trusting at the moment, I just clammed up at the beginning of the appointment. I got quite upset, and I couldn't think properly which upset me more. I did start to open up more as it went on, but now I feel frustrated with myself as I feel like I didn't make the best use of the time I had, and I am not seeing her until friday next week as she is on a course at the beginning of the week. We talked quite a lot about my weight and body image as it is definitely affecting my mood a lot at the moment.
I have to get dressed again tomorrow as I am seeing N. The problem with this is that I see N to get me out the house, and I don't want to leave the house, I feel too ashamed of myself and I don't want to sit somewhere public where people can see me. I very much doubt I will go to ballet tomorrow night either, as I just can't face people seeing my body like this. I am fully aware of the irony of skipping the only exercise that I get because I feel too fat, but pink tights just aren't going to be helpful when I am hating my body this much already.
'I thought the other day that even though I feel like shit, maybe I should keep going a bit longer. Maybe I should give myself a bit more time to see if things improve. Then I saw my weight this morning, and it completely changed my mind. I need to kill myself before I get any fatter. Nothing is right. I hate that I have tried so so hard this week, it has just been a nonstop battle with my head, and what do I get in return? Weight gain, to make me feel even more shit about myself, and more suicidal. And I know it is my fault for being such a disgusting, greedy cow, which makes it even worse. But I just can’t stop eating.
I will have to get dressed tomorrow to go and see L and I just feel so ashamed of myself. I feel like everyone will be staring at me because they will see how fat I have got. I hate myself for being so disgusting and greedy.
I have had no energy lately. Even worse than usual. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I wake up, and even if I have slept reasonably well and for a decent length of time, I just feel absolutely exhausted. My limbs feel like they weigh a tonne each, moving them takes real effort. And I just want to sleep all the time. But then when I try to sleep I can’t because of my head. It just feels like everything is wrong with me. I don’t know what I was thinking with my let’s give it a bit longer thing. I just didn’t want to hurt people, and I still don’t, but I am really not meant to be alive. I am just like a shell. I am already dead inside'
I couldn't sleep last night, and I had to get up this morning at a reasonable time as I was seeing L at 11, and only ended up with about 4 hours sleep, so that hasn't helped with the exhaustion. Then this morning I had gained another pound. I didn't actually want to go and see L, which is unusual for me, but I just felt so disgusting and ashamed of myself. Plus I just really don't feel like I trust anyone at the moment, I don't know why. I wore a skirt in the deluded hope that people wouldn't be able to see my size as clearly as if I was in trousers, but I don't think it helped. Then the first thing I thought when I saw her was how thin she looked, she looked really tiny today, and that made me feel even worse about myself. I think partly because of this, and partly because of not feeling very trusting at the moment, I just clammed up at the beginning of the appointment. I got quite upset, and I couldn't think properly which upset me more. I did start to open up more as it went on, but now I feel frustrated with myself as I feel like I didn't make the best use of the time I had, and I am not seeing her until friday next week as she is on a course at the beginning of the week. We talked quite a lot about my weight and body image as it is definitely affecting my mood a lot at the moment.
I have to get dressed again tomorrow as I am seeing N. The problem with this is that I see N to get me out the house, and I don't want to leave the house, I feel too ashamed of myself and I don't want to sit somewhere public where people can see me. I very much doubt I will go to ballet tomorrow night either, as I just can't face people seeing my body like this. I am fully aware of the irony of skipping the only exercise that I get because I feel too fat, but pink tights just aren't going to be helpful when I am hating my body this much already.
Monday, 8 February 2010
Weight
My weight has gone up again. I can't fucking deal with this. I know I need to eat less, but I don't seem able to. I am going to restart writing down everything I eat, maybe that will make a difference. I am not going to ballet tonight - there is no bloody way I am getting in a leotard and tights looking like this. I need to lose weight, fast. I want my bloody tryptophan back. I need some fucking control over something.
Saturday, 6 February 2010
Update
Finding it hard to concentrate enough to write, so I will do bullet points.
- Purged twice so far this week. This is good that it is better than last week, but bad as I hadn't done it at all for months before last week. And I am wanting to do it more and more often - the only thing that stops me most of the time is my parents being around, and not wanting them to know what I am doing.
- My weight is definitely an issue at the moment. Although I try not to let it, it does impact on my mood for sure, and I have 'rules' around it that I make before I step on the scales in the morning, like if I weigh less than X I am not allowed to kill myself, if I weigh less than X I have to go to ballet, etc etc. I am not getting dressed at the moment unless I absolutely have to, because clothes make me feel too uncomfortable. I can't deal with them feeling tighter than I am used to, so I just stay in my PJs.
- Despite all the issues with weight I said above, I don't seem to be able to stop eating. I know it is comfort eating, and it really isn't helping matters, because obviously I am not losing weight, which is about the only thing that might make me feel more in control of things. I hate the doctors for not giving me the Tryptophan. Rationally I suppose I can understand why they wouldn't, but I feel like it would help me with my depression if I could get my eating a bit under control.
- My mood has been very, very low. I have been having very strong suicidal thoughts the whole time, and it has been incredibly difficult to not act on them. Diazepam has helped me enormously. There is no way that I would have got through the night I last posted without it. It doesn't take the feelings away, but it does take the edge off, and 2 managed to calm me down enough that I could sleep, which was by far the safest thing for me to do.
- L and I are both thinking that perhaps anti depressants do help me after all. Probably only a very tiny bit, as I still have very bad patches when on them, and have still attempted suicide when taking them etc, but right now things are the worst they have ever been, and this is the first time in 6 years that I haven't been on anti depressants. She is going to speak to Dr E about restarting them, which I kind of have mixed feelings about, but if they can stop things from getting this bad I will take them, even if they only help by half a percent.
- Being included in TWIM on this week made me feel good. I wasn't expecting it when I went to read it, as I had basically just written moany crap this week. It always means a lot to be included in TWIM, because it was Mental Nurse that got me into the world of mental health blogging, and I never expected to see myself on there when I started blogging. May only be a small thing, but I can see so little positive at the moment that I really need to grasp hold of the little things.
- Purged twice so far this week. This is good that it is better than last week, but bad as I hadn't done it at all for months before last week. And I am wanting to do it more and more often - the only thing that stops me most of the time is my parents being around, and not wanting them to know what I am doing.
- My weight is definitely an issue at the moment. Although I try not to let it, it does impact on my mood for sure, and I have 'rules' around it that I make before I step on the scales in the morning, like if I weigh less than X I am not allowed to kill myself, if I weigh less than X I have to go to ballet, etc etc. I am not getting dressed at the moment unless I absolutely have to, because clothes make me feel too uncomfortable. I can't deal with them feeling tighter than I am used to, so I just stay in my PJs.
- Despite all the issues with weight I said above, I don't seem to be able to stop eating. I know it is comfort eating, and it really isn't helping matters, because obviously I am not losing weight, which is about the only thing that might make me feel more in control of things. I hate the doctors for not giving me the Tryptophan. Rationally I suppose I can understand why they wouldn't, but I feel like it would help me with my depression if I could get my eating a bit under control.
- My mood has been very, very low. I have been having very strong suicidal thoughts the whole time, and it has been incredibly difficult to not act on them. Diazepam has helped me enormously. There is no way that I would have got through the night I last posted without it. It doesn't take the feelings away, but it does take the edge off, and 2 managed to calm me down enough that I could sleep, which was by far the safest thing for me to do.
- L and I are both thinking that perhaps anti depressants do help me after all. Probably only a very tiny bit, as I still have very bad patches when on them, and have still attempted suicide when taking them etc, but right now things are the worst they have ever been, and this is the first time in 6 years that I haven't been on anti depressants. She is going to speak to Dr E about restarting them, which I kind of have mixed feelings about, but if they can stop things from getting this bad I will take them, even if they only help by half a percent.
- Being included in TWIM on this week made me feel good. I wasn't expecting it when I went to read it, as I had basically just written moany crap this week. It always means a lot to be included in TWIM, because it was Mental Nurse that got me into the world of mental health blogging, and I never expected to see myself on there when I started blogging. May only be a small thing, but I can see so little positive at the moment that I really need to grasp hold of the little things.
Thursday, 4 February 2010
Help
I feel so horrible and desperate. I can't even explain how I feel, and I certainly don't know why. I just don't know what to do with myself. I can't keep going like this.
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
My day
I saw L today. I am so grateful to have such a supportive and caring CPN. If there were more people like her working in the NHS then Mental Health services would be so much better. I have never had another care coordinator who I have felt able to trust to such an extent, and who I have believed genuinely cares about what happens to me and is actually committed to helping me. I am obviously very attached to her, but I think she knows that and knows how to deal with it (and me!).
I am struggling a lot. Very strong suicidal thoughts, which to be honest I do feel like I will act on at some point soon. It sounds stupid but my weight and eating issues are contributing to this, although obviously that isn't the only thing by any means. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I had lost a couple of pounds, basically from feeling too crap to move. Unfortunately that has now swung into comfort eating, which is the other thing that can happen to my eating when my depression is bad. Consequently not only have I gained the 2 pounds that I lost, but I have gained more on top of that. I have just weighed myself (yes I know it is 3AM and that is a stupid time to be awake, let alone weigh myself) and nearly burst into tears as my weight is just going up and up and I feel so bloody out of control of that too now, on top of all the feelings and thoughts that I can't control. Plus I have some documentary on TV that just showed a clip of You're The One That I Want from Grease, and Olivia Newton John looked so skinny that I found it really triggering, and I am not usually triggered easily like that. It was just weighing myself and seeing my weight so high, followed by seeing that. It just really set me off.
I don't know what to do with myself. I just can't cope with all these feelings, it is too overwhelming. I really am desperate.
I am struggling a lot. Very strong suicidal thoughts, which to be honest I do feel like I will act on at some point soon. It sounds stupid but my weight and eating issues are contributing to this, although obviously that isn't the only thing by any means. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I had lost a couple of pounds, basically from feeling too crap to move. Unfortunately that has now swung into comfort eating, which is the other thing that can happen to my eating when my depression is bad. Consequently not only have I gained the 2 pounds that I lost, but I have gained more on top of that. I have just weighed myself (yes I know it is 3AM and that is a stupid time to be awake, let alone weigh myself) and nearly burst into tears as my weight is just going up and up and I feel so bloody out of control of that too now, on top of all the feelings and thoughts that I can't control. Plus I have some documentary on TV that just showed a clip of You're The One That I Want from Grease, and Olivia Newton John looked so skinny that I found it really triggering, and I am not usually triggered easily like that. It was just weighing myself and seeing my weight so high, followed by seeing that. It just really set me off.
I don't know what to do with myself. I just can't cope with all these feelings, it is too overwhelming. I really am desperate.
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
Stuff
Things have been hard. Not really sure what to say. Still struggling enormously with the suicidal thoughts. Been frantically planning again. Seeing L tomorrow afternoon.
Eating isn't good. Purged again the other day, which made it 3 times last week, which having not done it for months and months was not good. Getting fatter and fatter. My baggy jeans were really quite tight when I put them on today. Felt hideous. Hate myself for being so weak. Even though I knew my weight before that, having clothes feeling tight like that made me feel even worse, so I don't think I am going to get dressed anymore until I lose a few lbs at least. It made me feel too horrible. Generally I don't have to leave the house too often, so I don't get dressed much anyway, but I will just make sure I stay in even more - can't deal with that. Feel hungry the whole time. It makes me so angry. I wish my body would just understand that I desperately need some control over something, and I really can't control my thoughts, so it has to be food. I hate the doctors for refusing the give me the Tryptophan. I don't give a shit if it is off label - eating like this and my weight being like this is just adding to the depression and suicidal thoughts, so I don't see that prescribing a fucking amino acid to me could be such a bad thing, even if it is bloody off label. Hate everyone and everything.
Eating isn't good. Purged again the other day, which made it 3 times last week, which having not done it for months and months was not good. Getting fatter and fatter. My baggy jeans were really quite tight when I put them on today. Felt hideous. Hate myself for being so weak. Even though I knew my weight before that, having clothes feeling tight like that made me feel even worse, so I don't think I am going to get dressed anymore until I lose a few lbs at least. It made me feel too horrible. Generally I don't have to leave the house too often, so I don't get dressed much anyway, but I will just make sure I stay in even more - can't deal with that. Feel hungry the whole time. It makes me so angry. I wish my body would just understand that I desperately need some control over something, and I really can't control my thoughts, so it has to be food. I hate the doctors for refusing the give me the Tryptophan. I don't give a shit if it is off label - eating like this and my weight being like this is just adding to the depression and suicidal thoughts, so I don't see that prescribing a fucking amino acid to me could be such a bad thing, even if it is bloody off label. Hate everyone and everything.
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Meh
I feel really, really terrible. I actually don't know if I have ever felt this bad before. Can't explain it. Don't even know what feeling it is that is so bad, but I know that overall I feel a complete and utter fucking wreck. I feel like I am about to cry all the time. My heart feels all funny. My head is constantly telling me how useless I am. The video of me killing myself is on loop in my head. I can't get away from it. I am so desperate. I would do anything to make it stop, but the only thing that will make it stop is acting on it and killing myself. I don't want to be here. I am angry with my dad for being ill yesterday, even though it obviously isn't his fault. I am angry with myself for choosing the wrong day. I am angry with my mum for generally pissing me off, even though she isn't meaning to. I am angry with the world for being against me. But I don't know if angry is the right word. I don't know if I am upset or angry. I just know it hurts. Lots. Too much to live with. I hate myself. I can't even be civil to my parents. The only times I have spoken to them today I have snapped. Before my dad went to bed he asked me why I was so down today. I said I wasn't down, I was tired. Where the fuck did that come from?! Of course I am bloody down. If I was any lower I would have fallen through the floor. But I don't know why. I don't know why so I can't say why. I am crying now. I don't know why. Every day feels so unbearable, and then the next is even worse. Earlier today I felt terrible, now tonight it has gone so far beyond that. I am scared of how fast I am falling. I actually can't cope with feeling like this. That statement means nothing and so much at the same time. Can't cope means nothing and everything. Maybe can't cope is the wrong term. When I say can't cope I mean I am not going to carry on. I have no intention of carrying on. I am going to kill myself. I just need to make a new plan. And not fuck it up this time. Or have it fucked up for me by people getting ill. But I can't last that long. I need to die now. I need to stop my head. It is going too fast. I can't keep up with it. I need the fucking head voice to stop talking to me. Not talking to me. That makes it sound like we are having a conversation. We aren't. My brain is screaming at me.
You're useless.
You're worthless.
You're a waste of space.
You're fat
You're ugly.
Everyone will be better off when you're dead.
You need to kill yourself.
You can't do anything right.
You have no purpose.
You're a horrible person.
Nobody actually likes you, and never will.
You will never be good enough.
Things will never change.
You're selfish.
You should have killed yourself long before this.
You will never be happy.
And it is right. All of it. It is all true. I should have killed myself long ago. I should never have let things get this far. How can nothing hurt so much? How can emotions be so crippling? Emotions that come from nowhere. From nothing. There is no reason for me to feel like this. None. And yet I do. And I am going to stop it because I have to. Have to stop the video loop. By making it real. Just need the right time. Just need to get it right this time. Please let me get it right.
You're useless.
You're worthless.
You're a waste of space.
You're fat
You're ugly.
Everyone will be better off when you're dead.
You need to kill yourself.
You can't do anything right.
You have no purpose.
You're a horrible person.
Nobody actually likes you, and never will.
You will never be good enough.
Things will never change.
You're selfish.
You should have killed yourself long before this.
You will never be happy.
And it is right. All of it. It is all true. I should have killed myself long ago. I should never have let things get this far. How can nothing hurt so much? How can emotions be so crippling? Emotions that come from nowhere. From nothing. There is no reason for me to feel like this. None. And yet I do. And I am going to stop it because I have to. Have to stop the video loop. By making it real. Just need the right time. Just need to get it right this time. Please let me get it right.
Friday, 29 January 2010
Slightly Political Rant....
Haiti is in complete chaos. Hundreds of thousands of people have been killed, been injured, lost their homes etc. Millions of people have been affected. And one of my friends on Facebook has their status as
'Shame on you ENGLAND !!!!!! the only country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, and mentally ill without treatment - yet we donate £50 million to the people of Haiti ... 99% of people won't have the guts to copy and repost this..............'
This absolutely disgusts me. It isn't about having the guts to repost it - it is about having some sense of how lucky we, as a nation, are. We are so priviliged, and we lose sight of that so much of the time. Yes, our country has problems - I am not denying that, but our poverty gap is tiny when compared to most countries. How can people have the audacity to say that we shouldn't be doing what we can to help Haiti?! They have nothing, and we have so much in comparison - even those of us living on benefits. It makes me sick that there are people in this country, who I consider to be friends, who would rather that our nation did nothing to help countries struggling so much. Nobody in Britain is facing the sort of conditions that people in Haiti are. Everyone here can access free healthcare. There are benefits. There are charities to help people. Our country is by no means perfect, and the problems mentioned in the Facebook status do apply, but they pale into insignificance when compared with the problems faced by less developed countries. Obviously not for the people experiencing them, but surely to an extent you have to look at how society as a whole is functioning?
I would be very interested to hear what other people think about this. Do people agree with the Facebook status? I am not left wing at all, but this really has disgusted me. Rant over!
'Shame on you ENGLAND !!!!!! the only country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, and mentally ill without treatment - yet we donate £50 million to the people of Haiti ... 99% of people won't have the guts to copy and repost this..............'
This absolutely disgusts me. It isn't about having the guts to repost it - it is about having some sense of how lucky we, as a nation, are. We are so priviliged, and we lose sight of that so much of the time. Yes, our country has problems - I am not denying that, but our poverty gap is tiny when compared to most countries. How can people have the audacity to say that we shouldn't be doing what we can to help Haiti?! They have nothing, and we have so much in comparison - even those of us living on benefits. It makes me sick that there are people in this country, who I consider to be friends, who would rather that our nation did nothing to help countries struggling so much. Nobody in Britain is facing the sort of conditions that people in Haiti are. Everyone here can access free healthcare. There are benefits. There are charities to help people. Our country is by no means perfect, and the problems mentioned in the Facebook status do apply, but they pale into insignificance when compared with the problems faced by less developed countries. Obviously not for the people experiencing them, but surely to an extent you have to look at how society as a whole is functioning?
I would be very interested to hear what other people think about this. Do people agree with the Facebook status? I am not left wing at all, but this really has disgusted me. Rant over!
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Failed (or foiled)
Do you ever feel like the whole bloody world is conspiring against you? I am having one of those days. Since last week I had been planning to overdose today. I was going to do it in the morning soon after my mum left for work, which would give me about 8 hours before anyone would find me, which would make it at least 9 hours before I could have got to a hospital, and hopefully by that point the damage would be irreversible. So I set my alarm, woke up, checked my mum had gone - all fine. Except my dad was here. He had taken the day off work because he felt ill. My dad never bloody takes time off work for illness. But today he had. And so the only time I was on my own was when he went to see the Doctor. No bloody point overdosing then. I feel angry. I feel like I was cheated somehow. And it has made me feel even worse. I thought I had a get out, it was planned, I had my escape route. And it was taken away from me, and now I feel even more hopeless. I just want to make everything stop. And my mum will be home tomorrow because she has fridays off, and then it is the weekend, which means monday is the absolute earliest I could do anything, and I really really don't want to be here that long. It feels like an eternity.
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Aaarrrggghhh!!!!!
I feel really tense and horrible. I have not had a good day. I started by eating 2 biscuits and purging, and I don't even know why as I hadn't even wanted them in the first place, I just ate them because there was nothing better to do. Then I went back to sleep because I couldn't cope with being awake. Tried to watch some TV, couldn't concentrate. Tried to read a book. Couldn't concentrate. Tried to catch up on the blog reading I have been neglecting. Couldn't concentrate. You know things are bad when bloody Facebook games seem complicated. Then realised I had an appointment to see Dr O at half 5 that I thought was next week. Ended up crying because she asked me if I had any plans for this year or anything I would like to do, and I just can't think like that at the moment - all I can think is that I want to be dead. She asked if she had pushed me too hard, I said yes (through tears) and she backed off and just kind of chatted to me about lighter stuff. She suggested I do crosswords. We talked a bit about my psych appointment last week. I said something and she said I was mental. I said that I was fully aware of that - that is why I see a psychiatrist.
Got home, ate dinner, felt guilty for doing so. Went on MSN and a friend that I haven't spoken to for a while started talking to me. Asked me what my plans were for this year. I cried again. Then just now I was having a conversation with another friend. She is someone I met online quite a few years back, on an ED support website. She used to be bulimic, and we were always about the same size. Then she became anorexic and is now tiny. She has just got a job that she will be starting in a couple of months working as an au pair in New York, and before Christmas she did volunteer work in South Africa. I think it is really great that she feels able to do all that, although I do think she is kind of kidding herself about how 'well' she is - she still has a severely anorexic BMI. But that isn't the point. The point is that SHE then started on at me about what my plans are. Do I have any holidays planned? I should go and do some volunteer work abroad. I can't put my life on hold until I feel better. I tried explaining that I was really pretty unstable at the moment, and that I didn't want to plan something big and then back out of it, as I have a tendancy to do that. Things in the past have included being offered multiple au pair type jobs in various countries, teaching Acting and Directing at a Performing Arts Summer Camp in the USA, doing a 6 week Musical Theatre summer course in California, being offered 2 jobs in London and planning to move there, going to university, moving to London to do a performing arts course etc etc - all of these have either been attempted and quickly failed, or planned - most in the past year or 2. I have big ideas, apply for things on an impulse, then realise it is completely unrealistic and back out. That is very typical me. Anyway, she didn't seem to understand that pretty unstable meant fighting not to kill myself, or if she did then she chose to ignore it, and told me that I need to try and just push myself, that I can't just keep my life on hold until I am more stable. By this time I was pretty upset and replied that the reason I wasn't doing that is because I want to be dead, I don't give a shit, and that there is no point planning things if I am going to have killed myself first. She didn't reply after that. I went downstairs and ate a massive piece of Ginger cake, and now feel sick and desperately want to purge, but both of my parents are home and my dad has bat ears so would hear, and I really can't be arsed to get into an argument about that. So I will be even fatter tomorrow and feel even more shit.
This really isn't working. This whole life thing really is not going too well at the moment. I just can't do it. I want to scream and shout and cry and purge and cut and overdose and just anything destructive, but I know that nothing short of a serious suicide attempt will be enough. I can't keep going like this. I really am desperate.
Got home, ate dinner, felt guilty for doing so. Went on MSN and a friend that I haven't spoken to for a while started talking to me. Asked me what my plans were for this year. I cried again. Then just now I was having a conversation with another friend. She is someone I met online quite a few years back, on an ED support website. She used to be bulimic, and we were always about the same size. Then she became anorexic and is now tiny. She has just got a job that she will be starting in a couple of months working as an au pair in New York, and before Christmas she did volunteer work in South Africa. I think it is really great that she feels able to do all that, although I do think she is kind of kidding herself about how 'well' she is - she still has a severely anorexic BMI. But that isn't the point. The point is that SHE then started on at me about what my plans are. Do I have any holidays planned? I should go and do some volunteer work abroad. I can't put my life on hold until I feel better. I tried explaining that I was really pretty unstable at the moment, and that I didn't want to plan something big and then back out of it, as I have a tendancy to do that. Things in the past have included being offered multiple au pair type jobs in various countries, teaching Acting and Directing at a Performing Arts Summer Camp in the USA, doing a 6 week Musical Theatre summer course in California, being offered 2 jobs in London and planning to move there, going to university, moving to London to do a performing arts course etc etc - all of these have either been attempted and quickly failed, or planned - most in the past year or 2. I have big ideas, apply for things on an impulse, then realise it is completely unrealistic and back out. That is very typical me. Anyway, she didn't seem to understand that pretty unstable meant fighting not to kill myself, or if she did then she chose to ignore it, and told me that I need to try and just push myself, that I can't just keep my life on hold until I am more stable. By this time I was pretty upset and replied that the reason I wasn't doing that is because I want to be dead, I don't give a shit, and that there is no point planning things if I am going to have killed myself first. She didn't reply after that. I went downstairs and ate a massive piece of Ginger cake, and now feel sick and desperately want to purge, but both of my parents are home and my dad has bat ears so would hear, and I really can't be arsed to get into an argument about that. So I will be even fatter tomorrow and feel even more shit.
This really isn't working. This whole life thing really is not going too well at the moment. I just can't do it. I want to scream and shout and cry and purge and cut and overdose and just anything destructive, but I know that nothing short of a serious suicide attempt will be enough. I can't keep going like this. I really am desperate.
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
An update
So I haven't written for a while. I am struggling with depression big time, and just don't have the concentration or motivation to really do anything. Am very behind on most of the blogs I read as I start reading and then realise I have absolutely no idea what is going on. Getting through a whole post is a real mission. Anyway. So yeah, very strong suicidal thoughts. Very overwhelming. I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but my dad was at home last week as he had an operation so couldn't work, and knowing someone was here all of the time stopped me from acting on the thoughts. But they are getting more and more intense and I am feeling like it is only a matter of time. I saw N today, but I didn't talk about the suicidal thoughts with her, I just said that things were bad, as I was concerned that if she knew just how strong the thoughts are then she would have to go back at tell someone at the CMHT, and the only one of them that I trust is L, who is still off (but will be back next week). And last time I told N just how bad things are and that it had got to the planning stage etc was back in the summer, and resulted in my ex care co-ordinator insisting on me going to A&E to be assessed by the duty psych - the alternative was a MHA assessment apparently. And I really didn't want a repeat of that so I kept quiet.
I am a bit ill as well. I felt like crap yesterday emotionally, and found that I was feeling quite weak, but that often happens when I feel crap, so I didn't think much of it. Despite it being the last thing I felt like doing I went to ballet, as when I had weighed in the morning I promised myself that if I was X or under I would go, and if I was over X I wouldn't, and I was X, which meant that I absolutely HAD to go. My mind works in strange ways. Anyway, felt bad when I was there, ended up having to sit out some of class, and felt ill all the way home, ate my dinner, and was then sick. So I think I have some type of bug. Unfortunately I found it quite triggering eating wise. It kind of reminded me that I can eat and then be sick and have a nice, empty stomach again. So today I was still feeling sick, so ate some bland food that I didn't think would make me feel worse, and then purged. I hadn't intended to, but I just got a flashback of me being sick last night and I couldn't resist. It is a long time since I have done that, and a very long time since I have done it at home (the last few times have been when eating out) and now it just seems so tempting again. Not good.
But it is the suicidal thoughts that are the big problem at the moment. I am trying really hard, but I just don't want to live, I don't want to be here, and my head is just screaming at me to kill myself. Feels like when rather than if.
I am a bit ill as well. I felt like crap yesterday emotionally, and found that I was feeling quite weak, but that often happens when I feel crap, so I didn't think much of it. Despite it being the last thing I felt like doing I went to ballet, as when I had weighed in the morning I promised myself that if I was X or under I would go, and if I was over X I wouldn't, and I was X, which meant that I absolutely HAD to go. My mind works in strange ways. Anyway, felt bad when I was there, ended up having to sit out some of class, and felt ill all the way home, ate my dinner, and was then sick. So I think I have some type of bug. Unfortunately I found it quite triggering eating wise. It kind of reminded me that I can eat and then be sick and have a nice, empty stomach again. So today I was still feeling sick, so ate some bland food that I didn't think would make me feel worse, and then purged. I hadn't intended to, but I just got a flashback of me being sick last night and I couldn't resist. It is a long time since I have done that, and a very long time since I have done it at home (the last few times have been when eating out) and now it just seems so tempting again. Not good.
But it is the suicidal thoughts that are the big problem at the moment. I am trying really hard, but I just don't want to live, I don't want to be here, and my head is just screaming at me to kill myself. Feels like when rather than if.
Saturday, 23 January 2010
Weird
I feel really out of it. All floaty and like everything around me isn't real. It is like I am not sure if I am awake or asleep. My heart feels all funny. I have felt awful all day and I don't know what to do. I want a Diazepam but my mum has gone out and I don't think she has left me with any (she looks after my meds - I am not considered sane enough to have them myself). I just need something to feel real. So disconnected.
Friday, 22 January 2010
Borderline Personality Disorder
I hate it.
I don't want it to be my diagnosis. I don't want professionals to look at my notes and think oh great, another bloody Borderline. I don't want to be thought of as a manipulative, attention seeking, pain in the arse. I don't want to have the diagnosis that all the professionals hate. If it was going to help me access specialist treatment, like a theraputic community, or DBT, then fair enough. But it isn't. The treatment I get is the same I would get without the BPD diagnosis, except with the added bonus of my psychiatrist telling me how lucky I am that they are providing me with treatment, as they generally turn down all PD referrals. Which I am assuming means that as soon as it isn't convenient for them to treat me I will be discharged. Perhaps I am being overly cynical here, but I have seen the difference in treatment I received from the Crisis Team before and after they knew I had a PD diagnosis. Before, I was getting daily visits, and although I generally scorn the crisis team, it was actually helping. Or it was at least stopping things from deteriorating. Then they found out I had a PD diagnosis and I never received another visit from them. It is all very well the NICE guidelines stating 'People with borderline personality disorder should not be excluded from any health or social care service because of their diagnosis', but this isn't the reality. People *are* refused treatment because of their diagnosis. I am lucky - I have L, who is possibly even more anti BPD diagnosis/stigma than I am. But if she were to leave I have no doubt that I would just be dropped. I want my diagnosis to be Depression again. There are no advantages for me in having a BPD diagnosis, and many disadvantages.
But also, I don't want to 'be' Borderline.
I don't want constant suicidal thoughts
I want to be able to have 'normal' relationships with people
I don't want to form ridiculously strong attachments to people who can't genuinely care about me in return
I don't want the crazy changes in mood
I don't want to get so angry over such minor things
I don't want that horrible empty feeling all of the time
I don't want to make impulsive decisions that lead to me being disappointed in myself
There are so many other things, too many to even go into. Some are more related to my Depression or Eating Disorder or Anxiety, but really it all links in. I don't know where one issue stops and another starts.
I don't want to be Borderline.
I don't want to be me.
I don't want it to be my diagnosis. I don't want professionals to look at my notes and think oh great, another bloody Borderline. I don't want to be thought of as a manipulative, attention seeking, pain in the arse. I don't want to have the diagnosis that all the professionals hate. If it was going to help me access specialist treatment, like a theraputic community, or DBT, then fair enough. But it isn't. The treatment I get is the same I would get without the BPD diagnosis, except with the added bonus of my psychiatrist telling me how lucky I am that they are providing me with treatment, as they generally turn down all PD referrals. Which I am assuming means that as soon as it isn't convenient for them to treat me I will be discharged. Perhaps I am being overly cynical here, but I have seen the difference in treatment I received from the Crisis Team before and after they knew I had a PD diagnosis. Before, I was getting daily visits, and although I generally scorn the crisis team, it was actually helping. Or it was at least stopping things from deteriorating. Then they found out I had a PD diagnosis and I never received another visit from them. It is all very well the NICE guidelines stating 'People with borderline personality disorder should not be excluded from any health or social care service because of their diagnosis', but this isn't the reality. People *are* refused treatment because of their diagnosis. I am lucky - I have L, who is possibly even more anti BPD diagnosis/stigma than I am. But if she were to leave I have no doubt that I would just be dropped. I want my diagnosis to be Depression again. There are no advantages for me in having a BPD diagnosis, and many disadvantages.
But also, I don't want to 'be' Borderline.
I don't want constant suicidal thoughts
I want to be able to have 'normal' relationships with people
I don't want to form ridiculously strong attachments to people who can't genuinely care about me in return
I don't want the crazy changes in mood
I don't want to get so angry over such minor things
I don't want that horrible empty feeling all of the time
I don't want to make impulsive decisions that lead to me being disappointed in myself
There are so many other things, too many to even go into. Some are more related to my Depression or Eating Disorder or Anxiety, but really it all links in. I don't know where one issue stops and another starts.
I don't want to be Borderline.
I don't want to be me.
Thursday, 21 January 2010
My Experiences in the MH System - Part 2
I have decided to write about my experiences fairly chronologically, but divide it into experiences within that. I don't know when my mental health problems started really, so I am going to start writing about my experiences from the first time I sought help for them. I am a little hazy about the timing of all of this, for example I know that the following events all took place between the Summer of '03 and the Summer of '04, but I may have some in the wrong order. Which doesn't really matter to be honest. Again, it may all be pretty dull, but I have already forgotten so much of what happened that I want to write it down before I forget everything!
First contact - I was 17 at the time, at 6th Form College, and had been feeling very low, and also started making myself sick. I knew this wasn't right, and I ended up going to talk to my English teacher, AJ, about it. She was very supportive, and I ended up talking to her a lot, most weeks for the whole academic year. She persuaded me to go and see my GP about what was going on, which after a month or 2 I did. She also booked an appointment for me to see the college counsellor. She also got me a lot of literature on bulimia, and found out about treatment etc, and also got the college to buy a Self Help Bulimia book that had been recommended to her by someone she had spoken to when finding out about treatment.
First GP appointment - This was not a terribly positive experience. I was obviously very nervous, and went in there and mumbled that I was there because my teacher at college thought I might be depressed. He started asking me the usual questions - how is your sleep, concentration etc etc. When it got to how is your eating I said that I had been making myself sick. His response was 'Why have you been doing that? You're not overweight are you? Jump on the scales. (I did so). No, you're not overweight, so why are you doing that?'. As anyone who has had an ED knows, this is NOT a helpful response. And it almost felt as though he was saying that if I was overweight it would have been acceptable to have been purging. I left the appointment with a prescription for 20mg of Citalopram and instructions to come back in 1 month.
Second GP appointment - When my month was up and I was due to go back to the GP I decided I couldn't face seeing the same one again, as I had left feeling so awful. I decided to see the other GP at the surgery that I sometimes saw. I felt slightly uncomfortable about this, as although I was happy enough to see this GP for physical problems, I did know him personally, having sung in concerts and been in plays with him etc, and so felt a little awkward talking to him about my mental health problems. The appointment went far better than the previous one had though, and he raised the Citalopram dose to 40mg, and made a referral to the CMHT. Although he was very helpful, I did feel a bit uncomfortable talking to him about things, and so made the decision to change to the other local GP surgery, where there was a female GP, so all future appointments were with her. My anti depressants were changed at some point from Citalopram to Sertraline, but I can't remember when, or to what dose.
Counselling - As I already mentioned, AJ had made me an appointment to see the college counsellor. This was a very difficult experience for me. I wasn't used to talking about feelings - I just didn't do that. And this particular counsellor was the type where you both sit there in silence until you start talking. Needless to say I didn't get on very well with this approach. I remember having appointments where we would both just be sitting there in silence until it got too much for me and I would make an inane comment about the curtains or the colour of the carpet or something. I didn't feel like I was getting much out of this, and after a few months I switched to seeing the other college counsellor. To be honest I don't actually remember that much about her. She did ask more questions than counsellor number 1, which I found easier, but I don't remember finding it terribly helpful. I remember her making a funny little 'mm mmm' noise every time I said anything at all, even if irrelevant, which was slightly distracting, and her talking quite metaphorically about bulimia a lot - the purging was about getting rid of the feeling and emotions that I was experiencing, and by throwing up I was attempting to get rid of them or something.
Assessment - At some point, I believe in early '04, I had my assessment appointment at the CMHT. As I had no formal treatment prior to this, only the counselling sessions at college, I had absolutely no idea what to expect. My assessment was with the team Clinical Psychologist, and one of the CPNs. They asked me lots and lots of questions, which I answered as best as I could, which in retrospect was probably pretty badly, as talking about feelings was still such an alien concept to me. It was the usual deal of one talking, and the other writing, and they were both very nice. The outcome of the assessment was that I would be put on a waiting list to see the Clinical Psychologist, which would be about 6 months, and they recommended a self help book in the meantime, which was the same as the one that AJ had already got.
Next time - being under the CMHT, suicide attempt, more anti-depressants, and various psychiatrists.
First contact - I was 17 at the time, at 6th Form College, and had been feeling very low, and also started making myself sick. I knew this wasn't right, and I ended up going to talk to my English teacher, AJ, about it. She was very supportive, and I ended up talking to her a lot, most weeks for the whole academic year. She persuaded me to go and see my GP about what was going on, which after a month or 2 I did. She also booked an appointment for me to see the college counsellor. She also got me a lot of literature on bulimia, and found out about treatment etc, and also got the college to buy a Self Help Bulimia book that had been recommended to her by someone she had spoken to when finding out about treatment.
First GP appointment - This was not a terribly positive experience. I was obviously very nervous, and went in there and mumbled that I was there because my teacher at college thought I might be depressed. He started asking me the usual questions - how is your sleep, concentration etc etc. When it got to how is your eating I said that I had been making myself sick. His response was 'Why have you been doing that? You're not overweight are you? Jump on the scales. (I did so). No, you're not overweight, so why are you doing that?'. As anyone who has had an ED knows, this is NOT a helpful response. And it almost felt as though he was saying that if I was overweight it would have been acceptable to have been purging. I left the appointment with a prescription for 20mg of Citalopram and instructions to come back in 1 month.
Second GP appointment - When my month was up and I was due to go back to the GP I decided I couldn't face seeing the same one again, as I had left feeling so awful. I decided to see the other GP at the surgery that I sometimes saw. I felt slightly uncomfortable about this, as although I was happy enough to see this GP for physical problems, I did know him personally, having sung in concerts and been in plays with him etc, and so felt a little awkward talking to him about my mental health problems. The appointment went far better than the previous one had though, and he raised the Citalopram dose to 40mg, and made a referral to the CMHT. Although he was very helpful, I did feel a bit uncomfortable talking to him about things, and so made the decision to change to the other local GP surgery, where there was a female GP, so all future appointments were with her. My anti depressants were changed at some point from Citalopram to Sertraline, but I can't remember when, or to what dose.
Counselling - As I already mentioned, AJ had made me an appointment to see the college counsellor. This was a very difficult experience for me. I wasn't used to talking about feelings - I just didn't do that. And this particular counsellor was the type where you both sit there in silence until you start talking. Needless to say I didn't get on very well with this approach. I remember having appointments where we would both just be sitting there in silence until it got too much for me and I would make an inane comment about the curtains or the colour of the carpet or something. I didn't feel like I was getting much out of this, and after a few months I switched to seeing the other college counsellor. To be honest I don't actually remember that much about her. She did ask more questions than counsellor number 1, which I found easier, but I don't remember finding it terribly helpful. I remember her making a funny little 'mm mmm' noise every time I said anything at all, even if irrelevant, which was slightly distracting, and her talking quite metaphorically about bulimia a lot - the purging was about getting rid of the feeling and emotions that I was experiencing, and by throwing up I was attempting to get rid of them or something.
Assessment - At some point, I believe in early '04, I had my assessment appointment at the CMHT. As I had no formal treatment prior to this, only the counselling sessions at college, I had absolutely no idea what to expect. My assessment was with the team Clinical Psychologist, and one of the CPNs. They asked me lots and lots of questions, which I answered as best as I could, which in retrospect was probably pretty badly, as talking about feelings was still such an alien concept to me. It was the usual deal of one talking, and the other writing, and they were both very nice. The outcome of the assessment was that I would be put on a waiting list to see the Clinical Psychologist, which would be about 6 months, and they recommended a self help book in the meantime, which was the same as the one that AJ had already got.
Next time - being under the CMHT, suicide attempt, more anti-depressants, and various psychiatrists.
Personality Test
I did this test for no reason other than Seeking Sanity had done it and I was curious. The results were more or less what I would have expected to be honest, but obviously none of these tests are diagnostic in any way - I just did it out of curiosity, partly to see how well the results matched my Diagnosis and other 'issues' I have been told I have. The result for Very High and High were a pretty accurate match - I would have expected those to be high, and would have been suprised if any of the others were high.
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid Disorder: | Moderate |
| Schizoid Disorder: | Low |
| Schizotypal Disorder: | Low |
| Antisocial Disorder: | Low |
| Borderline Disorder: | Very High |
| Histrionic Disorder: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic Disorder: | Low |
| Avoidant Disorder: | High |
| Dependent Disorder: | High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: | Moderate |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders -- | |
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