Hideous afternoon!

I started writing this earlier. I was then interrupted, and have finished the rest now. First paragraph was written at 3pm - the rest now.

So it is my nephew's birthday party at the moment. I am not there. The plan was for my mum and I to pick up older nephew when he finished school at 3:15, as we live near the school, and take him back to theirs, and then there would be the party. This morning whilst I was asleep this all changed. Older nephew throw a tantrum about going to school when other people were getting ready for the party, and since my sister seems to want to encourage her son to become a spoilt brat, she phoned the school and said he would be in during the morning, but then my mum would pick him up at lunch time, and would then take him back so he could help etc. Naturally I didn't know about this as I was asleep, and since I hadn't got to sleep until about 6:30 I had set my alarm for 2, to give me time to get ready and go. My mum woke me up at 1 saying she was going to pick up my nephew in 20 minutes so I needed to hurry up - I said I couldn't get ready in 20 minutes as I needed to have a shower and wash my hair etc. Just before she went to pick him up she said she could bring him back here after she collected him for a while to give me time to get ready. So she went off to get him, I went and got in the shower, she came back, I got out the shower. She asked how long I would be and I said about half an hour. She said they couldn't wait that long and went without me. I am pissed off about the whole thing. I feel like complete shit, so didn't even want to go, but knew I would never hear the end of it if I didn't, so was prepared to go. I am pissed off that she then told me she would wait for me to get ready, so I bothered to get out of bed and in the shower, and then she changed her mind and went off without me. I may as well have stayed asleep. I am pissed off because the stupid party wasn't even supposed to start for another half hour, and that is when other people will be arriving. I didn't want to go anyway, but I know that my sister will be really pissed off with me for not being there, and that she will now be in a bad mood with me for at least the next month, probably longer, and it isn't my bloody fault. Everything always seems to be my fault though.

So it is now 9:30, and I ended up going to the party after all. My ex next door neighbour was going, and to get to my sisters from where she is living now she has to more or less go past our house anyway, so my mum spoke to her and she said she would collect me on her way there, so she picked me up about half 3. I have to say that my heart sunk slightly when my mum called and said that, as despite knowing my sister would be pissed off with me for not going, I was really feeling quite relieved, and had got back into my PJs and was in bed and quite relieved that a) I wouldn't have to be around people, and b) I wouldn't have to be around food, so when I suddenly heard that I was going to be going after all and had 10 minutes to get ready I wasn't overjoyed, but knew I would get too much grief to make it worthwhile not going when I didn't even have a valid excuse, so I threw on some clothes and a bit of make up and off I went.

The party was pretty hideous. I really do not like being around people, and I just find children far too much. I definitely have nothing even remotely maternal about me. Even children I like, I only like for very short lengths of time before I find them irritating. I do not want children. At all. They are so loud and just too much - everything about them is just too much. Little nephew, whose party it was is fine - he has recently started walking on his own and so is just quite sweet toddling about and grinning at people, but older nephew is loud, and then my niece (brother's daughter) was also there - she is 6, and then there was another 5 year old who is older nephew's friend, and is a complete brat - I always inwardly groan when I see him. And then ex next door neighbour's 20 month old girl was there, but she was pretty ok too. And then having to sit around and make small talk with my sister's in laws was dull and crap, and I got the usual 'So what are you doing now?' questions that I loathe answering. Luckily, since I have had a fair bit of perfoming things on lately - the Shakespeare in July, and now Carousel, and then the concert in December, I can make myself sound fairly busy and not such a loser as I usually sound when I say 'Oh, nothing much really...'. Then there was lots of party type food, which I ate too much of, and so feel like shit. The first hour, even 2 hours, weren't too awful - the children were in the garden, so it was mostly just the small talk to contend with. Then it got louder and louder and more and more chaotic, and I ended up having to go off and sit in a room by myself and cry because I was just feeling so overwhelmed and stressed and tired, and wanting to be home. Some people were starting to leave by that time, but naturally not us. Older nephew ended up having the tantrum to end all tantrums - I have seriously never seen anything like it apart from on Supernanny. He is usually a sweet child - he is a bit loud and over the top, but that is just 5 year old boyness, but my goodness, he actually turned into the horror child from hell. I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing - it was just awful.

Anyway, we finally got home at about 8 and it was such a relief - I had a headache from the noise, I felt sick from the food, and I was just feeling so low. I don't have to go anywhere over the weekend, which is such a relief. I have actually been feeling so low and suicidal that I even briefly considered calling the CMHT earlier, but I fairly quickly decided against it, because there is absolutely nothing they could do, and I didn't want to risk being told to go to A&E. I figure I will either cope or I won't, and speaking to someone I don't really know or trust isn't going to change that - I will still either cope or I won't. It is hard, because when I feel this low I always have fairly ambivalent feelings about help - I want it because I need something to make me feel less awful, but I don't want it because I just want to die, and don't want to risk anyone interfering with that, but it is harder at the moment because the only person I trust to talk to honestly about how I am feeling, and who actually does help me isn't there, so that kind of just leaves the suicidal thoughts to get stronger and stronger. I hate this.

Crap day

Today has been difficult. I knew it would be. I slept badly yet again last night, so have been very tired again. Even when I haven't had much sleep though, I still can't sleep any better the next night - I don't understand it. It is very frustrating. Today started badly. For a start my alarm went off and I had that weird thing when it just completely shocks you and you have no idea where you are or what that noise is, and then when I realised it was my alarm I had no idea why I had set it and nearly turned it off. I then realised it was going off because I was going out for lunch with T, and my heart sunk. I did not want to have to go out and have to be sociable and pretend to be fine and happy and I did not want to eat out, particularly at lunch time, when I generally don't like eating until the evening. It then got even worse when I went to weigh myself and had gained yet again. I haven't been this heavy since I was on holiday, pre stomach bug. I feel like a complete bloody failure - I have gained nearly 3lbs in the last week or so. This often happens - as my mood gets lower I lose the motivation to focus on my weight the way I do normally, and I just end up comfort eating. It is ridiculous, as comfort eating does not help me, and it does not make me feel better - I just feel guilty for being such a greedy pig. And then obviously my weight goes up the next day and I feel even worse about myself and even more depressed, and end up comfort eating yet again. So anyway, I was in about the worst place I could be emotionally for going out for a meal, and I had only been awake for 15 minutes.

We went to a local pub that does good food. T had a main meal and I had a baguette. We both had desserts. I felt hideous eating the whole thing. I felt greedy and disgusting, and was worried about gaining again tomorrow. Naturally I purged - I just can't seem to help myself when I eat out. I rarely purge when I am at home nowadays, but when I am out I just have to do it. I then had the bloody disaster of the toilet refusing to flush. Not because of my purging - it just didn't have any water coming into it when I flushed the handle. So that was fun. In the end I had to just put the toilet seat down and leave....

Tomorrow is yet another fun packed day. It was baby nephew's 1st birthday today (what is it with this week and birthdays - my dad, T and baby nephew within 2 days!), so tomorrow we have to go to my sister's for his little birthday party thing. Which will involve food and cake no doubt.

I had a letter from the CMHT today, so that was fun. It said;

'Dear Bippidee,
As you may know L has been off work for a few weeks. I am expecting her back week commencing 27th September and so would like to offer you an appointment at the CMHT for Tuesday 28th at 11am. If this date is not convenient, or of course if you would like to speak to a member of the team in the interim, please contact the office and we can make the necessary arrangements.
Yours sincerely,
The Manager'

So that was lovely to finally receive some communication from them. I particularly liked 'as you may know L has been off work for a few weeks'. Really?? You know I hadn't noticed. Since you told me she would be back the next day I just assumed she had been ignoring me for the last 3 weeks. But anyway, hopefully I have an appointment with her in nearly 2 weeks. Unless she is off for longer of course. And assuming I can get through the next 2 weeks, which feels fairly unlikely at the moment. The suicidal thoughts are very strong. I do not want to be here. At all. I am just finding it harder and harder to keep going.

I want out

I am feeling really awful today. I feel like I have been slowed down. My brain is going slowly, I am moving slowly. It takes me ages to do anything. I have just been in bed, but when I have needed to get up for the toilet or something it has taken me so long to find the energy to do it. I slept for quite a long while last night, although not until after 5am, but I still feel completely exhausted. I have ballet tonight but I really don't want to go. I feel so terrible and so slow and it just seems an utterly absurd thing to do. What on earth is the point of jumping and spinning around a room for an hour? What does it achieve? When I feel like this I just feel absolutely baffled by everything - I don't understand the point of anything. It just confuses me. I know there must be a reason why I do ballet, but I honestly couldn't say what it is right now. I am also feeling shit because the stupid bloody meal last night made me gain over a pound today. I am now 2lbs heavier than I was this time last week. That is not fucking okay. I do not want to get into a bloody leotard and tights and prance around looking like a bloody elephant. To make matters even worse, it is T's birthday tomorrow, and I have agreed to go out for lunch with him. That will be another fucking pound. Plus I don't want to go out for another meal. I don't want to have to socialise and pretend to be normal. I really can't cope with all of this. I feel like I am going into meltdown mode. There is just all of this stuff going on and I can't bloody deal with it. It is too much and I can't cope. The suicidal thoughts are getting stronger and stronger and I just want out.

Difficult patch

I am really struggling. I suppose being so exhausted all day hasn't helped, but I am just feeling so low anyway. I spent most of the afternoon feeling too tired and shit to move, and then in the end decided I really had to start getting ready to go off to the photo call as it was getting late. That was alright I suppose. I got dumped in an awful skirt and blouse that were both about 4 sizes too big (no exaggeration) that had to be pinned liberally for the publicity pictures, but they looked alright from the front once pinned I guess. Then just had to have my headshot done (back in normal clothes) which only took a minute.

After that I was going out for a meal with my parents for my Dad's birthday. I didn't actually want to eat out. My weight has been going up anyway lately - slowly, but it is still moving in the wrong direction - and so eating out felt quite scary, plus of course it is very difficult to sit and make conversation and pretend everything is fine when you are feeling like complete shit and sitting there contemplating suicide. But I didn't like to say I didn't want to go since it was his birthday, so off we went to Pizza Express. I ate a pizza and then shared a dessert with my Mum. I naturally felt like complete shit after that and did purge. To be honest it ended up being a pretty half assed job, as my mum came into the toilets only a few minutes after I had gone in, so I hadn't had time to do much, but I didn't want to risk carrying on with somebody in there (I didn't actually know it was her at the time - just that someone had come in). I also felt really low and crap all night and just wanted to get home and be by myself.

I am really finding everything so difficult. It has definitely got to the point where I don't know if I can keep going. I am feeling so desperate and terrible, and I don't know how to make things feel easier. I also don't see the point. Even in my 'good' patches, I still feel crap. I still think about suicide on a daily basis. I still don't really enjoy anything. And then the bad patches come along, and I just can't deal with them. And if I want to die even when I am doing better, then really I don't see the point in fighting it. If I were to kill myself it wouldn't be some impulsive thing because I was having a bad day. I don't remember the last time a day went by without me thinking that I wanted to die. And that is really fucking exhausting. In some ways I am coping, even at the moment when I am feeling so bad. I am going to rehearsals. I went to ballet on Monday. Therefore I am functioning. So I must be fine. But in some ways I am not coping. I am having constant suicidal thoughts. I have no concentration, so I can't read or learn lines or do anything else constructive. My sleep is terrible. My eating is not great. I have no motivation. I only get dressed when it is absolutely essential because I have to leave the house, ie when I have rehearsal. The same goes for showering. I spend the rest of the time in my bed. A lot of it just staring into space, because I don't have the concentration or motivation to do anything else. I hate being around people, so avoid whenever possible. So am I functioning? I don't know. I don't even know if it matters. Ultimately it doesn't really make any difference. I am not going to think 'well I went to rehearsal last night, so things must be ok, therefore I won't kill myself today', and neither would I think 'I missed a rehearsal, therefore I can't cope with life and need to kill myself'. I don't know if I will kill myself or not. There is absolutely no question in my mind that death is what I want, but I don't want to upset people, and unfortunately that is an inevitable consequence. Even if I know that they would be better off without me, they wouldn't see that, and I know that. It is definitely difficult not having anyone to talk to with L away. It makes me feel very isolated. Which I am actually, and to a large degree it is self enforced, but that is because I find it too difficult to put on a happy mask for extended periods of time, which is what I have to do when I am around people. L is the only person that I ever feel I can be completely honest with about how I am feeling, and without her I think I am just closing off from the world even more than I do normally when I am feeling bad. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can get through this period. I don't know if I have the energy to. I don't even know if I want to.

It is 1am, and I am exhausted again. I want to sleep, but I am terrified of having another night like last night when I sleep for an hour or so and then spend hours and hours trying to sleep and getting increasingly stressed because I can't. I really just can't cope with things any more. It all feels too much. I can't do it.

Bad night

I feel like shit. I am absolutely exhausted. My sleep is just getting worse and worse. Last night I was really tired at 1am, which was great because I thought I would be able to get an early night for me. I was asleep by about half 1, but only slept for an hour, and then woke up and was completely wide awake. I sat up for a while, then tried to go back to sleep. No luck. I spent hours and hours trying to go back to sleep. In the end I managed to at about 9:30 this morning and slept until 2. I woke up just feeling totally shattered. I have had about 5 and a half hours sleep, so I shouldn't be as exhausted as I am, but it was all so broken up, and I spent so many hours just lying in bed not being able to sleep, and I now feel really rough. I also have big bags and black circles under my eyes, which obviously looks highly unattractive, and I have to have my photo taken tonight for my programme photo for Carousel.

CMHT crapness

I have decided my CMHT are shit. Not necessarily the individuals working there (L is great for example), but as an organisation or whatever they are shit. 2 weeks ago they called me to say that L wasn't there that day and so my appointment was cancelled, and that she would probably be back the next day and would ring to rearrange then. That is the only time they have contacted me. I have rung twice since then and asked if she is there and been told she is still away, but they didn't ask my name or anything, so they don't know that it was me who rung, and that I know she is still away. So she has been off for 2 weeks, is likely to be off for quite a while longer, and the only thing I have heard from them is being told that she would probably be back the next day 2 weeks ago. I think that is quite shit to be honest. They haven't rung to say she is going to be off for longer than they first thought. They haven't rung and asked how I am, or if I need to speak to anyone else since she isn't there, and I usually see her at least once a week, or twice in bad periods. I have just had absolutely no contact. Admittedly, there is probably only one, possibly two, other members of staff there I would even consider talking to about how I feel, but that isn't the point. I just don't understand how they can decide that I need seeing weekly, and then not even call for weeks just because L is off. That seems strange. Either I need weekly contact, or I don't. Plus of course I was away the week before that, so it is now 4 weeks since I have spoken to anybody. It all seems rather inconsistant. It isn't L's fault - she is away, but I feel like CMHTs should have some kind of system in place for when a member of staff is going to be away for more than a week or so. I had a care coordinator a few years ago, when I was under a different team, who went off sick, and at first it was just going to be that week, then it got longer and longer, and actually she never did come back, but I was left for months with no support, after seeing her weekly. There is always someone on duty, but calling in and asking to speak to the person on duty is a lot harder than if someone calls and asks how you are. And it isn't even that, not having anyone to talk to - it is more that they haven't actually called to say she will be away for a while. I am not sure if I have unreasonable expectations in thinking I should be told my CPN is going to be off for longer than the day they originally said, or if they just are shite.

Middle of the night thoughts

It is 3:30am and I don't know what to do with myself. I am not sleepy. Not at all. Exhausted, but not sleepy. I don't know what to do. It's funny. I read so much normally. Even if I am not feeling too great I can read children's books, or fast paced books like thrillers, but when I feel really bad it is like I forget how to read. Of course I can still read the words, but they don't go into my head. I read a sentence, and have no idea what it actually said. So I give up. Occasionally I persevere and get through a chapter, and then realise that I can't even remember the name of the character, let alone anything that actually happened. At that point I generally realise it is quite futile even trying to read, and give up until my mood starts to pick up a bit. I try and carry on reading simpler things, like blogs and message boards - nice little short manageable things. But often the same thing happens. I read a blog update and have to keep going back over and over it. Sometimes I just give up, like with books. Reading is what I usually do in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. I am not sure what to do with myself when that option isn't there.

There is nobody to talk to. Obviously my parents are asleep. My friends are asleep. Nobody is online. I could go and talk to the dog, but even he doesn't seem to appreciate it very much when I go downstairs in the middle of the night. I don't even know if I want to speak to anyone. Some of the time at the moment I just want to shut the whole world out. My family. My friends. Everyone. Nobody can say anything that will make me feel any better, so there is no point talking about how I feel. And how am I supposed to talk about anything else, when that is all I can think about? But sometime I just feel really lonely. Completely isolated. I can't talk to anybody, because there is nobody to talk to. I don't like worrying people, so I can't talk to family or friends. And there is also an element of me that is wanting to keep quiet about how I am feeling because the suicidal thoughts are very strong, and they are saying that if nobody knows then nobody can try and stop me. Not that anyone could actually stop me killing myself, but they could make it more difficult for me. Well, I suppose technically I could be stopped if I was in hospital, but I am confident that won't ever happen again.

Sometimes I feel like there are two mes. Two voices inside my head. Well there are two voices inside my head, but they are both mine - they aren't actual voices. Just out loud thoughts I suppose. But they do have conversations about things, and I don't know which side the outside of my head me agrees with. For example, the suicidal voice is quite liking the fact that L is away. It knows that normally I would talk to L if I was having suicidal thoughts, and that would help me to get through them. It also knows that one of the things that bothers me about killing myself is feeling guilty because of how much L has always supported me, and knowing that if I killed myself and she had known I was suicidal (which she would know if she was there, because I always tell her what I am thinking) that she would have to justify all her actions and decisions etc at a tribunal, and maybe she would feel guilty or something for not being able to stop me. I don't know. It just knows that I don't want to let L down, and killing myself would be the ultimate way of letting her down I suppose. But if she isn't there, that doesn't apply. She doesn't know how I am feeling. She wouldn't have to justify anything. There would be no guilt. It keeps reminding me of all of that. How much easier it would be to do it now, when she isn't about, than it would be when she is there. Not easier in physical/practical terms, but emotionally. So the suicidal side is seeing quite a lot of positives. Then there is the other side - the side that wants help. The side that often pisses me off by being too needy, too emotional. I am not sure what to call it. I suppose essentially it is my survival instinct, so I will call it the survival side. The survival side really isn't liking L being away. It is like it has lost its main support in surviving. She is the person I talk to, who I tell how I feel, and who helps me cope with it. She doesn't take it away, because nobody can do that, but she listens, and she doesn't judge, and she supports me, and knowing she is there to do that helps me survive. My survival side is panicking a bit about not having that. Although technically there are other people I could speak to - whoever is on duty at the CMHT, or maybe my GP - it knows I won't, because I don't trust those people. The suicidal side would not allow me to call the CMHT and say how I am feeling, and what thoughts I am having. I don't think any side of me would want to do that actually. I don't trust people, and of course there is nothing they can do. And there is absolutely no way whatsoever that I will be taking any trips to A&E, which is always a risk when telling someone how you feel. So yes, survival side is finding it very difficult not having L around. Survival side's first instinct when feeling bad is always to speak to L, and it seems a bit short on other suggestions. The only thing is has come up with is to try and keep thinking of things to stay alive for - as I said before, at the moment that is my Dad's birthday on Tuesday. After that it will have to try and think of something else. And to take Diazepam if I feel overwhelmed. But that is hardly rocket science. I sound like a complete idiot talking about 2 sides of me thinking things as though they are people, but that is how it feels. As a whole I have no idea what I think or feel. It changes all the time - one minute I am with suicidal side, the next I am trying to listen to survival side. I don't know where I am. I just know I am confused and overwhelmed by it all. It is tiring having a battle in your head the whole time.

'Ooh, Thank you, doctor, Valium is my favorite color. How'd you know?' - Next To Normal

Jumbled thoughts

I haven't written anything for a couple of days, partly because I haven't had the energy to, and partly because I haven't known what to write. I still don't actually. I am completely exhausted. My sleep has been really bad, particularly this last week. The worse I feel, the worse my sleep gets - I get to sleep later and later. I don't know why. I am very tired. My weight is a bit crap - I have gained the last couple of days. Not much, but gaining at all makes me feel bad. I have decided why losing weight doesn't really make me feel anything at the moment but gaining does - I know that if I weighed a stone less I would still be feeling like this, my mood would still be like this - it wouldn't be some miracle cure that would make me happy, therefore it doesn't seem terribly relevant. But being a stone heavier would make me feel even worse, and that is why gaining weight makes me feel bad even though losing weight doesn't make me feel good. I have spent about 2 hours writing this. I just can't concentrate on anything or think properly. I have to write my programme bio for Carousel. I have had 2 weeks to do it, and it absolutely has to be done today. I can't bloody write about myself in 3rd person. I feel like a twat. And I don't know how to make it more interesting than just a list of parts I have played, because who wants to read that?! The suicidal thoughts are pretty strong. Just concentrating on getting to Tuesday at the moment. Only 2 days. I have ballet tomorrow night. First class back after the summer. That will hurt. Although it might not be too bad because I have obviously had several dance rehearsals for Carousel lately, so am fairly flexible from stretching at those warming up etc. I am 2.4lbs heavier than I wanted to be by tomorrow. I had set myself a short term target weight for going back to dance, and have totally missed it. Failure.

One wish

I am struggling a lot. L is going to be off for at least the next couple of weeks apparently. I can't imagine being able to get through that time. I am feeling really awful. I am trying to find things to keep going for. It is my Dad's birthday on Tuesday, so I am taking that as my goal to reach. After that maybe I will be able to find something else, or maybe I won't. I don't know. I don't really care at the moment either. I just know that everything feels too much - too big, too hard, too scary, and I don't know how to cope with it. I wish I could just erase myself from life. Make it so that I had never existed, so that I could disappear without upsetting people. That would be my one wish, if I could wish for anything. To just not exist. The song lyrics from yesterday feel so right at the moment. I am falling, fast, and the only person who can ever help to stop me from falling, or slow it down, isn't around. I just want to cry and cry, but I feel empty and numb.

Catch Me I'm Falling

'Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling
Faster than anyone should
Catch me I'm falling
Please hear me calling
Catch me I'm falling for good

Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling
Losing myself in the air
Catch me I'm falling
Don't leave me crawling
Catch me and show me you care
 
Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling
Flying head first into fate
Catch me I'm falling
Please hear me calling
Catch me before it's too late
Catch me before it's too late
Catch me before it's too late
Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling'

- Catch Me I'm Falling (Next To Normal)

These lyrics feel very accurate at the moment. I am not sure what else I can say. This is how I am feeling. The song is from a fantastic musical called Next To Normal, which is about a woman with Bipolar. It is actually part of another song - the two overlap, but these are the lyrics that feel pertinent at the moment, so I am ignoring the rest.

Crap day

Today is going to be one of those days. I woke up because the dog was barking his head off, and I thought maybe he needed to go out, so I let him out, then heard him roaring over to the gate barking, so dashed outside, and there were two people from the water board there wanting to install a meter. Needless to say I was in my pyjamas, having just woken up. It was not an acceptable time to be seen in pyjamas (1:45pm) so I mumbled something about not being well whilst they asked me questions about the water supply that I didn't have a clue about.

I can hear new neighbours moving in next door. My old neighbours have gone, and the new ones are moving in today. I should probably go and introduce myself really, but that would mean getting dressed and making myself look presentable, and I really can't be bothered with that. My nephew will be here in about half an hour. I am hoping he will be happy just to play outside with the dog, because I really can't be bothered to do anything. Tonight I am going to the cinema with T to see Salt. Not in the mood for it, but this was the first evening in the last 2 weeks that we were both free, so I didn't like to say no. My concentration is awful, so I probably won't have a clue what is going on, and will be totally confused by the whole thing. I had intended showering and washing my hair and getting dressed before my nephew arrived, since I will have to before going out anyway, but I have been too exhausted and felt too shit to get out of bed, so I will have to throw on some clothes and shower later when he has gone. I really have zero motivation today. I just want to go back to sleep, and stay asleep. Just getting out of bed feels too difficult at the moment. And I will have a hyperactive 5 year old here in 20 minutes. That will really help the situation. I just want to tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone. But you can't really say that to a 5 year old.....

Still not great

Still feeling crap. I have been sleeping badly the last week or two, which isn't helping. Had gained a bit of weight again today - another 0.2 of a pound. The trouble is with little 0.2 of a pound, is that they sound like nothing, and yet they add up. I really need the number to go down again tomorrow. My sister is here again. I can hear her downstairs. I don't know why she is always coming over. My mum isn't even here, so what on earth is the point? And then she always gets food for the children and leaves absolutely everything out, so the kitchen looks like a bombsite. I haven't even gone downstairs - if she calls later I will just say I didn't realise she was here or something. My mood is still really low and I am not managing to get anything done or concentrate on anything. I am really missing L - I still have no idea when she will be back.

Another day

Yes, gaining weight definitely still bothers me. Admittedly it was only 0.2 of a pound, which rationally I can see doesn't really even count, but it does count, and it does bother me. So that confirms yesterday's theory that losing weight doesn't seem to really matter, ie it doesn't make me feel any better, but gaining weight definitely makes me feel worse.

The rehearsal last night was actually ok. I really wasn't in the mood, even after I had been there for a while. An hour or so in I was just thinking how much I wanted to go home - I had just been doing some of my acting scenes, and was warming up for the ballet, and I just couldn't be bothered. I was doing these ridiculously half hearted stretches and wishing I was at home. In the end I did warm up properly, because I knew I would just injure myself if I didn't, and actually when we got going it was quite fun. We were working on the pas de deux section for the first time, and I have done very little in the way of pas de deux before, so I had to really concentrate on it, as some of the lifts were really quite complicated. I was really quite stressed and self conscious before we started that I was going to be too heavy for him to be able to lift me properly, and it would be really awkward, but he must be very strong as he didn't seem to have any problems.

I am going to the theatre tonight with my mum. I don't really feel like it, but I booked it before I was feeling like this, so I didn't know I would be in a hibernating mood by now. I am sure it will be good and I will enjoy it - I just feel like I want to stay at home at the moment. I don't have any more rehearsals this week, so that is one good thing - I don't have to go out any other evenings. Or days come to that. In fact, I probably don't actually have to leave the house until next Monday after tonight. That feels like a good thing at the moment. I am really missing L though. I am struggling a lot, and it is really difficult not having her to talk to. And I am worried about her, because it must be something quite serious for her to be off for a second week. I really hope that she is ok, and that she is back soon.

Struggling

Today is feeling much the same as yesterday. I am tired, feeling very low and just want to block out the world. The only positive at all I can find is that my weight has gone down the last couple of days - I have somehow lost a little over a pound in the last 2 days, and am now at a very slightly lower weight than I was pre-holiday. Unfortunately, because I feel so shit, even losing weight isn't making me feel good. Although I am sure that gaining weight would still make me feel bad. But it just all seems a bit irrelevant. So I have lost a pound? Big deal - it isn't going to make me feel better or change my life. And yet gaining weight would be catastrophic. Which is a bit weird really. At the moment it seems like I feel like my weight doesn't matter, as long as it is going down, which is obviously something of a contradiction....

I have a rehearsal tonight, which I am really not in the mood for. I wish I could pull a sickie, but that would mean the whole rehearsal would be no good, as it is a dance rehearsal for the Act 2 ballet that is primarily me. So I will have to go, and pretend to be happy and sociable, and everything that I am not feeling.

I rung the CMHT to see if L was there - they said she is off sick. I asked if they knew when she would be back, and they said no. When they first called last Tuesday and said she was off, they said she should be back the next day. Then I called on Thursday and they said she would be back at the beginning of this week. Now they don't know when she will be back. I hope that she is ok, but obviously this isn't good timing for me to not have any support. It is 3 weeks now since I last saw her, because I was away, and then she was off last week, and now it is looking like she won't even be back this week. I am not sure what to do. I don't know if I can get through this week on my own - things are really getting on top of me. I could call and ask to speak to whoever is on duty, but I don't trust anyone else, and so I wouldn't be able to talk to them properly, so I don't think it would help. And I don't want to end up speaking to one of the fuckwits who would say I had to go to A&E if I mentioned the word suicidal, because that is an entirely pointless exercise. So it looks like I am on my own. And I really feel like I am.

Low

I am struggling. I feel completely lifeless today. I haven't even had the energy to write here. I have spent the whole day in bed - mostly watching crap on youtube I think, although I have lost some time, so there was probably some staring into space going on. I am currently sitting here comfort eating, which isn't actually remotely comforting as I am aware of all the calories, and how it will make me feel when I weigh myself tomorrow, but I feel too shit to care.

Grumpy

I am feeling pretty crap. Everything just seems wrong. Weight loss this week has been an epic failure - I have lost a sum total of half a pound, which is so little as to not even count. The trouble is, when I get more depressed, I either pretty much lose my appetite (rarely), or I want to comfort eat (frequently). I stop concentrating on my weight quite so much - I would be lying if I said I didn't care about it, or I didn't think about it, but the time I would usually spend thinking about my weight and food is replaced by thoughts about suicide and death, so I tend to be more relaxed with my eating than I would be when things are slightly better mood wise, and the eating disordered thoughts take over and I go into restricting mode. The trouble is, I still care about my weight enough that it upsets me when I don't lose weight, or when I look in the mirror, but I don't have the will power to restrict, because just getting through the day takes up all the energy and motivation I have. So I end up upset, but too tired to do anything about it. We went to a fete this afternoon. I ate an ice cream and 2 cupcakes, and so now feel completely shit about myself.

My sister and her family are now over for dinner. That is difficult for 2 reasons - firstly because it is people here and I don't want to see people, and secondly because it means my mum is cooking a big dinner with dessert etc, and I don't want to eat anything more today, but I will end up eating more, and will have gained weight tomorrow, and will therefore feel even worse. I just want everyone to go and leave me alone. I am really hating having people around or having to see people at the moment. I just want to shut the whole world out. It is times like this when I really wish that I lived on my own. My mum and I end up arguing all the time, and that just makes me feel worse, and then this is the second day running that my sister and her children have been here, and I just feel myself getting more and more irritated and grumpy and pissed off, and just a complete bitch really. I don't want to see friends, I don't want to have people over, I don't want to have to go out to rehearsals. I just want to stay in my bedroom and hide away from the world.

Another exciting day....

It has been a pretty uneventful day. A few days ago I had ordered a Sims expansion pack online, because I thought it might give me something to do and keep me occupied and distracted for a while, and that arrived this morning. I installed it and tried to play it but just couldn't be bothered - I couldn't concentrate and it just didn't interest me, so I gave up after a while. I am just trying to find something that will interest me and hold my attention and there is nothing. Last week when I was away, I was starting to feel like I was on the edge of things getting worse again, and I tried to make a mental list of things that I like doing so that I could use it if things did get worse. I came up with a few things. The trouble is, I had forgotten how much my concentration and motivation disappear, and so it has rendered my list useless. Reading? Yes, great when things aren't too bad, but I can't get through a page again now. In the week I was away I read 4 books - since I have been home I have read 1 book, and that was in the first couple of days after I got home. Since then I have been trying and trying and can't even get through 1 chapter. Logic puzzles - I like logic puzzles. I tend to forget about them for the majority of the year, but for some reason I always take a puzzle book on holiday with me, and get one at Christmas, and the logic puzzles are always my favourite. But I can't do them now. I stare at them and they just make no sense to me. How on earth am I supposed to work them out? And why would I want to? Why would I give a shit who bought which present and where and how much it cost? Watching TV/DVDs. I try putting the TV on, but it either irritates me to the point where I have to turn it off, or I drift off and realise I haven't actually got a clue what is going on. The internet. I spend hours and hours a day on the internet - I send emails, I read blogs, I read articles about various things, I read message boards, I look things up. Now I turn on the computer, check my email, and then wonder what I usually do after that. I look at some blogs, but they seem confusing and complicated. I try looking at some message boards, but decide I don't actually care about anything being discussed. It all seems pointless. I don't know what to do with myself. Everything I can think of to do is just beyond me. It either seems far too difficult and complicated, or completely pointless, or both.

I had an uneventful appointment with my GP earlier. We discussed the crap weather in Cornwall, as she was on holiday in Cornwall the same week as me. I noticed multiple mistakes in my notes that I pointed out. Her notes said I have been sectioned, which I haven't. There were a couple of incorrect diagnoses on there, including Narcissistic Personality Disorder (long story but a fuckwit of a psychologist, who actually seemed fairly narcissistic herself, diagnosed me with that once - that was my first PD diagnosis, and probably the reason I ended up with a BPD diagnosis, as everyone else realised that Narcissistic Personality Disorder was completely and utterly inaccurate and that I didn't meet a single disagnostic criteria, but seemed to feel the need to diagnose me with some type of Personality Disorder, and Borderline seemed most appropriate. That is my interpretation of events anyway. But that was all about 2 years ago, so shouldn't still be on my notes). Missing suicide attempt. I think that was more or less it. She changed all the wrong things, added the right things, wondered how the wrong things had ended up on there. Exciting stuff.

4 hours?!

I am tired, but for some reason I don't feel like sleeping. I don't know why because I love sleep. Sleep is fantastic, because you don't have to think, you don't know what is going on, and unless you are dreaming, it is just nothing. I like that. I hate waking up. When you wake up you know that you have the whole day ahead of you, whereas when you go to sleep you can have 10 hours of nothingness.

I didn't have to look after my nephew earlier, so that was a result. I do have to do it all other Thursdays for the forseeable future though, which is pretty shit. My next door neighbour collected him today, and then kept him - I am not sure where they went. She said something about going to the churchyard and reading grave stones. My next door neighbour is pretty random. They are moving away next Thursday, which is very sad. My next door neighbour is great. She is totally crazy, but not in any diagnosable, mental health type way. She is just totally eccentric. She is like a crazy old cat lady, except she is only in her early 30s and is married. But she does sometimes write us cards from her dogs or cats. She is just generally pretty random. But they are moving. I expect the new neighbours will be boring. They sound boring. And one of my cats will be sad, because he is actually their cat, and so will be moving with them, but he actually lives with us. So he won't be very happy.

Rehearsal was ok. I didn't actually have to do that much really. In fact, I didn't do much at all. Although there was one amusing moment that I was later told about - I was dancing, and the girl playing Julie (my mother in the show) said 'Awww, look at my baby, I'm so proud!', and one of the other cast members asked her if I was actually her daughter. I said she would have had to start bloody young, as she is only 5 years older than me! I think most of the cast think I am about 16. People generally do. Although even if I was 16, she would still be far too young to be my mother.

I was in quite a weird mood when I got home. One of my hyper moods that I never know how to describe. I don't feel good or happy or anything, I just have lots of energy, and tend to talk very fast and very loud, although I don't realise I am doing either until I get told off. I also talk about absolutely everything (mostly complete drivel) non stop, and generally either dance or bounce, depending on whether I am standing or sitting. So yes, I spent an hour or so irritating my mum, and then came upstairs when she went to bed. That was 4 hours ago though. I have absolutely no idea where the last 4 hours have gone. I haven't read or watched the television. I have talked a bit online, and looked at a couple of websites, but I am sure not 4 hours worth. Maybe 1 hours worth. Possibly 2 at a push. Not 4. Hmmm, that's a bit strange. I hadn't realised the time until I just looked. I am suprised it is so late. I thought it was about half 1, maybe 2, and it is half 3. Why does time either go incredibly slowly, so that 7 minutes feel like an hour, or just suddenly disappear and you don't know where it went? Strange stuff.

I think I need to sleep now. I am very tired. Which is explained by it being half 3 in the morning I suppose. I hope I sleep all morning tomorrow and wake up very late. Then the day will be shorter, and I do like short days.

Just another day

Another crappy day. To be fair, I have only been awake for half an hour so far, so don't really have the right to call it crappy yet, but I can tell it will be. My mood is definitely slipping. My concentration and motivation have fucked off somewhere, and seem to get further away each day. I am finding it harder and harder to fill my time. L is still off sick, so I won't be seeing her this week, so assuming she is back at the beginning of next week, it will be 3 weeks between seeing her; if she isn't back then obviously it will be longer. That is hard. It is hard not having any support, particularly when I feel like things are getting worse. I was thinking last night that I wish I still had a Support Worker. Although I didn't do anything earth shattering with N, at least it got me out the house for a couple of hours a week and it was time that I wasn't sitting here on my own.

I have to look after my nephew later, or at least I think I do. My next door neighbour is collecting him from school, because it isn't arranged for him to get the bus yet, and then she will presumably drop him off here. I am hoping she keeps him around there to be honest, but I have no idea if she is planning to or not. And then tonight I have rehearsal, which I am really not in the mood for. Fun fun fun. I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate.

One of those days

I am having one of those days. I don't know what to do with myself. I have only been awake an hour and a half and I wish it was time to go back to sleep already. I am fed up. I can't be bothered to do anything or concentrate on anything. I think not seeing L yesterday when I was expecting to hasn't helped, and not knowing when I will be seeing her next is frustrating. I definitely feel like my mood is deteriorating. And I don't know how to stop it. And there are too many bloody hours left in this day to fill, and I don't know how.