Selfish?

A friend just said to me that she worries about me every day and is relieved when she sees me online because it means I am still alive. That makes me feel really guilty. For making her worry, and because I still plan to kill myself, and therefore one day her fears will be realised. It is times like this that I want to isolate myself from everyone. The less I speak to people the less they will be hurt. I love my friends, but I feel like I am being selfish by continuing my relationships with them as I will just end up hurting them.

My dad asked me earlier if I had given up on trying to do something about my weight. My mum said to him that I wasn't fat. He didn't reply. That made me feel really good about myself.

My week so far: Part 2

I saw L. She said she had spoken to her manager as she felt I needed to see her more than once a week at the moment, and that he had given that the okay, so I am going to be seeing her twice a week for a while from next week. She said probably for 4 - 6 weeks and then we would review it. Nobody has ever seen me more than once a week before. Apart from when I have been in hospital, or under the crisis team, and that is a bit different. I have quite often had more than one appointment a week, for eg I usually see both L and N once a week, and in the past I saw my old GP, my CCO and a support worker all once a week. But not the same person more than once a week. I think it is a good thing. I am still really struggling a lot, and I would far far rather see L more often than be referred to the crisis team or something. Not that that was suggested, but I know some CCOs would do that rather than seeing someone more frequently themselves.

L also wants to take me to see some supported accomodation. I am not sure how I feel about that at the moment. Partly because of my complete inability to imagine the future I suppose. But also because I have always lived here. Apart from when I went away to uni, which didn't last for long. Sometimes I am desperate to move out and get my own place, but I rely on my Mum for a lot. She does a lot for me. She is the person who will try and get me out of bed, and who will encourage me to shower and dress, and who persuades me to go to dance classes etc, and who gets most of my meals, and who looks after my medication when it is judged that I can't be trusted with it etc etc. I am very reliant on her. Probably a lot more than I should be.

If my mum is away for any reason I end up self neglecting even more than I usually do. I don't bother eating properly - I might grab something very quick like some crisps or a slice of bread or a bowl of cereal, but that is it. I think that is partly because of my eating problems - if my mum isn't around it is a lot easier to restrict, so I often do, and partly because even if I am not restricting, I just don't have the motivation to cook meals for myself. I suppose it is laziness really. I don't know. It just seems pointless using up all that energy and effort on cooking a meal that I don't even really want. But I am 23. I should be cooking my own meals. But I know I wouldn't. I also don't leave my bed without nagging. Again, I don't see the point. The wall in my bedroom is just as good to stare at as the walls downstairs, and I have the added bonus of being cozy and comfortable in my bed. And not having to see anyone. But apparently this is not a good thing. L says I need to spend more time around people. It is apparently not good to be on my own, in my bedroom for 23+ hours a day. But I find it hard being around people. I feel like I have to put on a happy mask all the time, and I find that exhausting. It is easier to just be on my own. Then I can stare at the wall in peace.

My mum also keeps me safe to a large extent, although I doubt she even knows it. A lot of the time I don't attempt suicide because I don't want to think of her finding me, like she has on other occasions. Finding someone after a suicide attempt must be hard. It would be particularly hard if it was a successful attempt, but even with an unsuccessful attempt I think it would be harder to be the one who found the person than it would to be told that the person was in hospital following an attempt. I don't want to put my mum through that again. I never have wanted to, but sometimes things have got too overwhelming and I haven't seen another option.

So my mum does a lot for me. And I love her very much. But we also have a difficult relationship. The worse I am feeling the worse we get on, probably because I retreat more and more into myself and my room, and get very irritable and aggressive, and she gets frustrated. So we end up arguing. And shouting. And I get upset. And then I get more suicidal, because I think that the main person I am trying to live for would be better off without me. So that is difficult. And I often want to move out. I am 23. I feel like I should have my own place now, not still be living with my parents. Not relying on my parents to do everything for me. I often get frustrated living at home.

L first mentioned supported housing a month or 2 ago. She said she thought it would be good for me to live somewhere where I would be less isolated. I live in the middle of nowhere and don't drive, and my parents are out at work every day, so as well as the time I choose to spend on my own, there is also a lot of enforced isolation. She said there was somewhere in the town, quite near the CMHT, where there were supported housing flats for people with MH problems, and maybe we could go and see them one day. She is now talking about different housing though. In a different town. She thinks I need more support than the first ones would offer. At the second place there is someone there all the time, they are staffed overnight etc, not just in the daytime, and they offer higher levels of support. They also do various groups (I think social rather than therapy) that they encourage people to get involved with, whereas the first one just has support workers visiting. She said they tend to refer to the first place when people are in need of accomodation, or young people who want or need to move out of home etc, rather than because of their mental health needs as such. Obviously it is for people with mental health problems, but they aren't referred there primarily for the support. The second place is for people who are more unwell, who need more support to live on their own.

I am not sure how I feel about that. I have trouble accepting that I am unwell sometimes. I feel like I should just pull myself together and be 'normal', or I wonder if I am making it all up and there is nothing wrong with me at all and I am just pretending. I know I am not pretending really. I know how bad I feel. But I feel like I must be misleading people in some way for them to think I am ill. I find it quite difficult to get my head around at times. I think of supported housing as for people who are really ill. People who have proper mental health problems. People who have reasons for being ill. I don't. I have no reason to feel the way I do. So maybe I don't actually have mental health problems. Maybe I am just pathetic and don't cope with life well.

Part of me wants her to change her mind again and think I am well enough for the first place. Because there is nothing wrong with me. But I am not sure how I would cope. Without my mum, living somewhere without that much support I would probably completely self neglect. And I would probably end up even more isolated than I am here, which would kind of defeat the purpose. I am not sure if I would bother with food or showering or getting out of bed or anything. I don't bother much as it is - I only get dressed if I have to leave the house, and that usually isn't very often. So from that point of view maybe the second place would be better. But I don't want to be ill. She said people stay there up to 2 years, and then they help you find less supported accomodation, or just a normal rental. Does that mean I am going to be like this for another 2 years or more? I can't cope with that. I am meant to be better by now. Definitely better within the next 6 months. Totally fine by this time next year. I can't feel like this for another 2 years. I have already wasted over 6 years of my life on this. If I am going to have a life, ie not kill myself, I can't afford to spend another 2 years like this. I don't have time. I need to get on with things. Maybe I should just get a job and move to London. Stop all this illness stuff.

I just want to kill myself. I don't want to be here. Everything feels too hard. I don't want the play or dance classes or summer courses or housing or anything else. I just want to die. I can't cope. It wasn't meant to be like this.

My week so far: Part 1

Hmm, update on the week. It has ended up so long that I have split it into 2 posts. The week so far is in this post, and today's appointment with L is in the second post.

I suppose the good news is it is passing. The week that is. The even better news is that tomorrow is thursday, and after thursday there are 2 whole days where I don't have to leave the house. That probably shouldn't please me as much as it does. I am used to leaving the house maybe 3 times a week. I am having to do a lot more than that at the moment, and I think it is maybe one of the reasons why I am so exhausted all the time. Along with the terrible sleeping of course. And the constant mind whirring. And the stress of having to make a decision about something 3 months in the future.

Anyway, so far it has all happened according to plan, even if I have felt like utter shit the entire time. Monday I made us late enough that we only had time to drop in to see my niece for 20 minutes before I had to go to my ballet class. Yeah, I am a shit aunt for not wanting to spend more time with my niece, but I was exhausted and I didn't want to leave the house. I said to my mum that I wasn't going to go to my ballet class, but she said I had to go with her to see my niece even if I didn't go to the class, so I figured I may as well go, as at least if I was in a dance class I wouldn't have to be making small talk and pretending to be happy. Took a few Zopiclone monday night in the hope of getting a decent sleep. I feel like 30mg really should knock me out, especially when I haven't taken Zopiclone for 6 months (apart from the week before when I also took about that much one night). Unfortunately it doesn't. It just puts me in that drunk like state where I do things and then don't remember doing them. Like emailing L I discovered in my appointment today. Luckily I didn't say anything too ridiculous in it. But it was a bit weird when she brought it up and I had absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever - I had no idea what she was talking about.

Anyway, onto tuesday. That was yesterday. That was the rehearsal. Felt terrible. Feel like I am shit in the play. Don't even like the play. Feel way way too uncomfortable with my body to be happy with taking my top off in the play. Normally it wouldn't actually bother me too much, as although I hate my body I figure everyone wears bikinis on the beach etc, and so being in a bra with a clothed bottom half shouldn't be a big deal. That was my thinking when I agreed to do the part. That, and that I would lose a considerable ammount of weight. The losing weight hasn't happened. I am the heaviest I have been for several years. And in 2 weeks I am going to be taking my top off on stage. Fucking fantastic. Oh, and did I mention it is also entered in a drama festival so I will have to do it all again a few weeks later? Good good. Plus I can't learn my fucking lines. I don't have the concentration to look at a magazine, let alone learn lines. And this frustrates me a lot, because I have always had a brilliant memory for learning lines - I used to just be able to read a script through a couple of times and I would know it. I learnt my (large) role in a full length musical overnight once. And it never used to take me more than a week to learn a part, even if I was the lead. Now I can't learn what is basically 1 scene of dialogue. I am useless. Got to go and have the photos done tomorrow night for the newspapers. At least it won't take long.

Today went slightly wrong. L was supposed to be coming and seeing me here at half 10, then taking me into the town to see N at 12, who would then bring me back home after an hour or 2. Had a phone call from L at 10 saying that she needed to do an assessment at 11, and so could I see them the other way around instead, and that N would pick me up at half 11, and then drop me to see L at half 12, who would then drop me back home. I said that was fine. It was giving me less time with N than I usually get, but I didn't particularly care. N turned up 25 minutes late, meaning there was only 35 minutes until I was due to see L. I don't know why she is always late but she is. She had been there with L when L had changed the arrangement, so it isn't like she didn't know. But anyway. She asked if I wanted to go to Costa. I said there wasn't really time as by the time we were at the town I was due to see L in 15 minutes. So we just sat in the car for quarter of an hour.

Too much

I have too much over the next few days that I have to do. There isn't too much I can get out of either. Basically I have ballet lessons on mondays and wednesdays every week, which I sometimes skip, but I generally try and make myself go to however bad I feel. I have the advantage of knowing the syllabus so well that I can pretty much do the class on auto pilot, but because it is pretty much the only time I leave the house apart from for appointments I try to go. Plus if I don't go I get a lecture from my mum about how good it is for me to go etc, and that ends up being more hard work than going. I am also rehearsing this stupid play, as I have mentioned before. I didn't go to the rehearsal for that on friday - I emailed the director saying that I was ill. Imagine my delight when I got an answerphone message yesterday saying that they had decided to schedule an extra rehearsal for today (sunday). I called and said I was still ill. However, I really can't get out of any more. So far my week is looking like this. Everything is in the evenings unless I say otherwise, so I do at least have all day to flounder in bed, but I find it such an effort to leave the house because it involves putting on such a big act continuously, and that is draining, which isn't good when I am already exhausted.

Monday - Ballet class. However, it is also my niece's birthday, and she lives in the same town where I dance, so my mum wants us to go and see her for an hour before my class. Considering I wasn't even planning to go to the class, this is far from ideal.
Tuesday - Rehearsal. Regretting getting involved with this play more and more.
Wednesday - Appointment with L at 10:30, followed by N at 12. Then ballet class in the evening. Not terribly happy that all my support for the week is happening within 3 hours, as that leaves me the rest of the week with nothing. I usually see L on a tuesday, but she couldn't do tuesday this week.
Thursday - Photo session for the newspaper for the play. Will at least be short, but will involve putting effort into my appearance which takes too much effort.

I also have to decide this week for sure about this course in America, as the deadline for the (non refundable) deposit is this week. I am really not in the best frame of mind to be making decisions about my future, when at the moment I don't want one. The obvious choice would be to back out of that, which I could easily do. Particularly as when accepted I told myself I would only go if I had lost some weight by the time I had to pay. Which I haven't. But if I am alive in August, and doing a bit better and could have coped with it then I will be furious with myself. And even if I'm not it will become yet another thing added to my list of things to beat myself up about. Another time when I have intended to do something and then not been able to do it. Another failure.

I am feeling so overwhelmed. I am still having really strong suicidal thoughts and images etc - they aren't getting any weaker. I still can't concentrate on anything at all to distract myself. My sleep is awful and I am constantly exhausted. I had a shower and washed my hair this afternoon, as I was getting pretty disgusting to be honest, and I felt like I had run the marathon afterwards. So how am I supposed to get through the activities of the next few days? I feel pathetic. I know it looks like nothing to people who go out to work every day, or are in education, or just have really busy schedules, but it as about as full as my schedule tends to get, and it couldn't be a worse time for it. I will possibly scream if anyone suggests that the distraction will be good for me. If I was doing a bit better then that would possibly be true. But when I feel like this I just find it incredibly stressful, and I don't get distracted, I just get desperate. I want to scream anyway actually. And cry. But I am numb still. I just can't cope.

Ramblings

I am exhausted. Still. I got to sleep about half 4 in the morning I think but I kept waking up all night/morning. At about 11 I came online for a few minutes but I was too tired to keep my eyes open so I went back to sleep, but again, I just kept waking up. I think it was about 2 when I eventually gave up on sleep, so that should have been a good length night, but it was shit sleep and consequently I feel absolutely shattered. Mind you, even when I have had better nights I have still been waking up exhausted lately.

Friday I just couldn't stop crying. I didn't even know why I was crying, but I just couldn't stop. Today and yesterday I have been back to my more usual state of being quite numb, and feeling really terrible but not even being able to cry. It is weird the way some days I just can't stop crying and other days I don't cry at all, even if I am feeling the same both days.

Don't know what to do with myself yet again. That is why I am writing, but I can't even think of anything to write about. This just feels like hell. Tempted to try and go back to sleep. I am still so tired and at least I wouldn't have to cope with being awake then. Seeing L on wednesday. That feels like an eternity away.

Desperate

I feel really terrible. I don't know what to write. I don't know why I feel so bad. I just can't cope. I can't think. I feel like my brain is broken. I keep crying for absolutely no reason. There is nothing at all I can do to distract myself. I really can't do this. Everything just feels too hard right now. And like I wrote the other day, even when things aren't so bad and I am doing ok by my standards, I still never want to be alive. So I just don't see the point. I don't see the point of trying, when really nothing changes. I can't imagine ever being happy to be alive. I wish I could stop crying. I don't even know why I am crying. I feel so desperate. I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do with myself? I can't concentrate on anything. I feel so bad it physically hurts. It feels like I have never felt this bad before, like I have never been this desperate, but I know I have thought that before so I don't know if it is true or not. But this just feels completely unbearable.

Cancelled

Have just had a message from L saying she won't be able to make it as she has been called out on an emergency. Hate myself for being so needy that it made me cry.

Nothing new

Another long day. Actually it hasn't been a long day at all, as I have been asleep for most of it, but it feels like it has. I just don't know what to do with myself. Last night was hard. I really wanted to OD. In the end I took a few Zopiclone. I haven't been prescribed Zopiclone for quite a long time now, but I have some saved in my stash, and so I decided to take a few because I didn't think I could get through the night otherwise. Since I haven't taken them for so long I thought they should have regained their effectiveness and knocked me out, but it didn't really work. I took 5, but they didn't knock me out like I had hoped. I did manage to get to sleep in the end, but still slept badly and woke up lots. Felt like crap today, felt sick, I think from that nasty taste Zopiclone leaves, and like I had a hangover. Have slept on and off all day. I don't know what to do with myself when I am awake. I am writing this now because I just don't know what else to do, rather than because I have anything to say.

L rung earlier. I already can't remember what we talked about. She is coming round to see me tomorrow. Unfortunately I also have a shitty dentist appointment I have to go to tomorrow, which is just about the last thing I feel like doing when I am feeling like this. And I also have an appointment to see my GP, just my normal monthly appointment. I would cancel, because I don't want to sit through another person telling me to distract myself, but I want more Diazepam and seeing the GP is the way to get them, so I will have to. So tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Dentist at 12, L at half 2, Dr O at half 5. What an exciting day.

I don't know what to do. I do really appreciate that L is being so supportive, and making contact every day etc, but the trouble is that it is in the middle of the night that I am most at risk of acting on the thoughts, and at that point it doesn't make much difference to me if I have had a phone call that afternoon or not. To be honest, at this point things are feeling so bad that I think the only way I could not overdose is if I was in hospital, and that isn't happening. I do feel guilty, because I know I will upset people, but I just can't cope.

Appointments today

So I had 2 appointments today. First with N, and then one with Dr E and L. When N arrived we stayed here for a little while and then went to the town. We were planning to go into Costa but I didn't want to be around people so we just sat in the car.

Then I had my appointment with Dr E and L. Again, I can only remember bits of it - I was kind of drifting in and out. They asked what the hardest thing was at the moment, and I said the suicidal thoughts and how I couldn't get a break from them because of not having the concentration to do anything, and so I couldn't distract myself. Dr E asked some questions that I can't really remember, I just know I couldn't answer. Things about seeing L, and what was helping and what I was learning etc. She also asked why things are so bad at the moment, and what was causing it. I said I didn't know. She asked if it was because N is leaving. I said no. L mentioned that a while back I jokingly said that I was cursed because everyone that I see ends up going off sick long term, or leaving. Dr E really latched onto this and said I was feeling like this because of N leaving. I said I really didn't think it was. She said it was and that I was feeling rejected and abandoned. I didn't have the energy to argue so I just didn't say anything more about it. For the record I really do not think it has anything to do with N leaving. If L was leaving then absolutely, I would be a mess, but although I like N I do not feel attached to her, and whilst it is a shame she is leaving I am not upset about it.

They asked what would be helpful. L asked if it would help if she called me every day. I was very honest and said that I was feeling so suicidal that I really couldn't imagine not killing myself and that I couldn't even make myself think about tomorrow or next week as in my mind they don't exist. L said she would ring tomorrow. Dr E told me I needed to distract myself, which made me wonder if she had heard anything I had said earlier on in the appointment. She told me to go for a walk, which made me laugh hysterically for no real reason, which turned into crying. She kept saying that they understood how hard it was, and that they were there to support me, which whilst well meaning, came across as rather patronising given that I haven't seen her since January, and therefore she isn't really a source of support for me. L saying that would be fine, as she actually does support me, but it just seemed a bit trite coming from someone I haven't seen for 3 months. She also gave me the usual speech about what a talented, intelligent girl I am, and what a shame it was to see me like this. I never find that a helpful comment, and it baffles me when people who have never seen me perform say that I am talented. I said that I was completely exhausted and I just need to make everything stop.

There was no mention of medication, so I am assuming that L had already spoken to Dr E about that before I saw them and that Dr E had vetoed that idea. So overall it was much as I had expected really. I was particularly useless and bad at speaking, and whilst what I have written here is the jist of what I said, it was rather more confused and muttered with the odd staring into space and having to be brought back to earth to continue what I was saying etc. But at least I have been completely honest about my suicidal intent, so nobody can say I should have told someone how I was feeling or anything, as I clearly have done so.

Dead inside

I am so exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. This probably won't be very long. I saw L this morning, and I spoke to her on the phone yesterday. Today was hard. I can't think. My brain is broken. It is full of fuzz and I can't think properly. The appointment is a bit hazy. I do remember odd bits, but a lot of it I don't. I think I spent most of the time just staring at my shoes. Even forming words feels like an enormous effort. And my head feels too heavy. I remember saying at one point that I thought it was going to fall off because it was too heavy, and L asked me if I was ok to carry on. I have an appointment with Dr E tomorrow, the rearranged one from when she was off sick last time. L is going to be there too. I am supposed to think about anti depressants tonight. About whether I want to go back on them, and if so have any helped more than others. L said I seem really quite depressed and that interferes with your cognitive functioning and makes therapy almost impossible, and that going back on medication might help lift my mood enough to let me think again. I am still planning to try and kill myself so it doesn't really make a lot of difference to me whether Dr E gives me anti depressants or not. She said I looked like I needed to go home and sleep. I said my mum would be angry with my if I did that, but I think I am going to anyway. She will be out at work for the next few hours and what she knows won't hurt her. I don't know what to do with myself when I am awake.

Same old...

Thank you for all the support over the last few days. I am still feeling much the same. I am still planning to kill myself. I am having difficulty deciding when though. Like I said the other day, part of me feels like I should speak to someone first, but the only person I feel comfortable talking to would be L, so if I do that I can't do anything until after monday, but waiting until monday means waiting until thursday for various reasons, and that feels like an impossibly long time. So I don't know.

My relationship with my mum is not good at the moment. Whenever I am not doing well we seem to get on worse. She keeps telling me I am grumpy and lazy and selfish and boring and moody and how difficult I am to live with. Which is probably true, and I am probably more irritable when I am feeling really bad, and I definitely isolate myself more, but hearing that is like validation of everything I already feel about myself. And it just makes me think how much better off she would be without me.

No better

Things aren't getting any easier. I really wish I had killed myself when my mum was away. Even just writing this is taking a massive ammount of effort. I can't seem to do much apart from lay in bed staring at the wall. I can't think properly or concentrate. I feel really isolated. Whenever things get really bad and I retreat like this my mum tells me I am being selfish and only thinking about myself, and that if I stopped thinking about myself and thought about other people then everything would be better. She doesn't understand how I am feeling. How much I am fighting. If I wasn't thinking about other people then I would have killed myself years ago. I am not living for me. My grandad is staying at the moment. Which makes it even worse because it means him and my mum are here all the time, and I get nagged about being rude and anti social and spending all my time in my room. I can't cope. I am so fucking sick of being told how well I am doing and how strong I am. I need a break at least, I can't keep doing this. I wanted to write to get everything out of my head, but my brain feels like mush. I can't think properly. I just know I can't do this.

Spending all my time in bed apart from when I have to go out to appointments, or to get food etc is pretty normal for me. I do it most of the time. But I am usually at least doing things. Reading, or watching TV, or doing something on the computer. But at the moment I can't seem to do anything except laying in bed, just staring. Even typing this is exhausting me. I get really frustrated with myself if I try to read because I just can't concentrate and it doesn't make sense to me. I watched an entire film on TV yesterday and I haven't got a fucking clue what it was about. I couldn't tell you anything about it, except that Morgan Freeman was in it. Plot? No idea. Can't concentrate enough to read lots of the blogs I read, unless they are short updates written very simply. So doing nothing seems the obvious thing to do. But I can't do that either because my mind is so completely taken over by all the suicidal thoughts. It is like my brain has been programmed to think about nothing but suicide. I just can't cope with all the thoughts in my head. I feel like I am going to explode. I can't do it, I can't cope. I am going to kill myself, and if it doesn’t work then I will just keep trying until it does. Just need to find the right time.

Tiring day

N arrived to see me about 1, as planned. We went to the local town, about 15 mins away, that we usually go to. I needed to pick up a prescription, but got there 2 minutes after the pharmacy part of Boots had closed for lunch, so we needed to kill an hour. Went into Costa. Had a drink, and a cupcake which I threw up in the toilets. Talked a little bit about how I was feeling, but not that much. It more or less consisted of yes, I am still feeling really shit. Yes, my sleep is still dreadful. Yes, I am having suicidal thoughts. She didn't ask me anything about the suicidal thoughts, ie whether I had a plan or was likely to act on them or anything, so I didn't say. Saved the whole A&E debacle that I am sure would have been inevitable if I had talked about that. Got prescription, she dropped me home. I was really tired from not enough sleep last night, and was planning to go back to bed for a nap.

Got home. Was locked out of the house. I don't carry a key around because I lose keys. We live in the middle of nowhere and pretty much never lock our back door. My dad had locked it this morning. That shouldn't have been a problem though, as we always keep a key in a hidden place, for cases such as this. The key wasn't there. Phoned my mum, apparently she had lost it a couple of weeks ago. Phoned my dad. He said he wouldn't be able to get home until about half 5 at the earliest. This was at about 2:45. My next door neighbour was out so I couldn't even go around there. I was already feeling shit and wishing I hadn't got out of bed before I even got home, so not being able to get into the house was the last straw. I sat on the front step and sobbed. Tried to call my sister (who lives in the town I had just been in with N) as I thought she might have a key. Couldn't get hold of her. After about half an hour she called back. She didn't have a key, but was out with my next door neighbour and was only about 5 minutes away, and could take me back to her house until my dad got back from work. Another half hour later she turned up and took me back to hers. So I had had a lovely hour sitting on the front step. Typically I didn't even have my ipod or a book in my bag, so the vast majority of that time was spent crying and thinking about killing myself. I was cold and tired and pissed off.

My sister picked me up and took me back to hers. As well as her 2 boys, she has my niece staying with her, so there were 3 children under the age of 5 in the house, so it was rather chaotic, which I could have done without. At about 5:30 I remembered that I had to be back in this town at 7:30 for a rehearsal for the play that I have already mentioned not wanting to be in. I called my dad and said it obviously wasn't worth him picking me up at 6, for us to have less than an hour at home before needing to leave for the rehearsal so I would stay at my sisters. After attempting, and failing, to feed my 6 month old nephew his dinner I decided I had really had enough and said I was going to go and have a lie down. Had a nap for about half an hour. Then had to go off to the rehearsal.

Can anyone please come up with a reason, any reason at all, why I would have agreed to play a part that involves taking my top off on stage in an attempt to give another character an erection?! No, nor can I. I can't even look at myself in a mirror because I find my body so repulsive. So this play was a real stroke of genius on my part.

Finally got home at about 10, having been out for 9 hours. I feel like shit. I have really strong urges to hurt myself. No, not hurt myself, kill myself. Keep thinking that my mum won't be home until mid afternoon tomorrow, so if I took an overdose now, I would have 14 hours or so before anyone found me. Trying to tell myself that the same would apply most days - although my mum would usually be here, there would be no reason for her to come in my room, so I would have a clear 12 hours or so any night. I just want to do it now though. I am so exhausted. I really can't keep going like this. I was talking online to a friend earlier, and she was saying about fighting the thoughts etc, and I just thought about how long I have been doing that for (or trying to - there have been a few attempts along the way). I have felt like this for so long. I have wanted to die for years now, with no real breaks in that feeling. Ok, there have been times that have been better than others, and times when it has been easier to cope with, but I doubt very much if there has been any point in say the last 5 years, when given the choice between living and dying (without hurting people), I would have chosen living. I realise that the not hurting people caveat is not something I can control, and is the sole reason why I haven't just continuously acted on these thoughts until it has worked. But I just feel like I have been having to deal with these thoughts for so long, and I just can't fucking do it. Actually, that isn't true. I could. But I don't want to.

Not sure quite what to do now. I really want to just give in to the thoughts. But part of me feels like I owe it to the people that care about me to tell someone, ie a professional, not a friend, just how bad things are before I act on it. I suppose ask for help one last time. But if they can't suggest anything helpful, and just tell me to try and distract myself and tell me how well I am doing, then fine, I can do whatever the fuck I want. I can act on the thoughts without feeling guilty about it, because I will have done everything I can. Oh, but I refuse to go to A&E, because I have done that many a time, and I can think of better things to do with 5 hours than sit around there and then be patronised by the crisis team. Does that sound fair?

Interesting fact for the day - I was looking over my blog statistics. My absolute favourite google search that has lead someone to my blog is 'BPD crazed rant'.

I have already changed my mind about the being honest thing. There is nobody I trust enough to be that honest with apart from L, and she isn't back until next week. I can't tell some random person at the CMHT. I have had too many shit experiences in the past, of being made to go to A&E, and having the police sent round etc. I can't do it.

What to do

I don't know what to do with myself. I can't concentrate on anything, I can't distract myself. L is off this week. I don't trust anyone else. I am due to see N tomorrow, but I know that if I am honest with her about how I am feeling I will end up being sent to A&E to be assessed. She is just a support worker so would have to speak to one of the other CPNs or SWs and I know what the result of that would be.

I had a weird dream last night. It was today and N was coming, and my mum had gone away (as she has) and N arrived but I was still asleep, and I looked out the window and saw her car, so I tried to go down to the door but I got lost and there was loads of stuff blocking my way, and I couldn't find the door, and then I saw her driving off. I kept trying to get hold of her but I couldn't. The night before last I dreamt I was in hospital, and for some reason I was supposed to be on a meal plan, but I thought it was too much food, so I wanted to speak to the dietican, but then they just kept forgetting to give me any food at all, so I just kept quiet. I don't know why I am having these random dreams. I am not sleeping too well. Lots of dreams about suicide with all different endings. Sometimes I die, and sometimes I end up in a psych ward, and sometimes medical ward. In reality I don't know what will happen.

Suicidal thoughts

I haven't written anything for a while. I have been feeling really low, and there didn't seem much point in writing about how I am planning to kill myself etc. I have had some patches that have been easier that have generally lasted an hour or 2. But even in those times I have been planning, and I think in a weird way it has been the thought of not being here that has made it easier to cope with, because I can see an end. That might not make any sense. But I know that even when I have been feeling a bit better I have been thinking a lot about suicide. I am not really sure what to say. I am still here and I still don't want to be.

It's no good

I am struggling too much. I feel really terrible. I have been like a zombie this afternoon and evening. Everything suddenly just feels too much to deal with and I feel desperately suicidal. Planning planning planning. I didn't go to the rehearsal tonight. I was really dizzy all afternoon/evening, to the point where it was difficult to stand/walk. I don't know what caused it. I felt fine apart from that, so I don't think it is illness. I did purge earlier, which I suppose could be related, but that usually just makes me a bit dizzy for a few minutes, not like this. So I said I wasn't well. I was relieved to have a get out. I didn't want to go. Have eaten like a pig today. For some reason I was just really hungry and had no self control. I did purge, but even if you take out that food I still ate too much. I suppose it won't matter what I weigh when I am dead anyway. I really can't keep going. I feel too exhausted and too desperate and I just can't cope with life anymore. I have felt like this for too long and I just can't do it anymore.

Exhausted

Finding today quite difficult. As a result of the chocolate I ate yesterday my weight was up 0.4lbs, which I know isn't much, but I have had more chocolate again today, so it will be up again tomorrow, and probably for a few days as there is lots of chocolate around. It is really difficult for me to cope with my weight going up again. I just had a piece of baked cheesecake that my sister had made earlier, and now I feel so sick, and really desperately want to purge, but I can't because my parents are here and I would get caught. I feel horrible.

I feel totally exhausted. I think both physically and emotionally. Physically because I have been sleeping so badly lately - I never wake up not still feeling really worn out, and emotionally because my head just never stops - it is on overdrive all the time at the moment and I am finding it really difficult.

I have a rehearsal tomorrow. I am rehearsing a 1 act play. It is the first production I have done for a long time. I have only had 1 rehearsal so far. I already wish I wasn't doing it. I am already thinking of excuses for missing rehearsals, and how many I can realistically get away with not going to. I have no bloody concentration whatsoever, so I have no clue how I thought I would learn my lines, and I just don't actually give a shit about it. I should never have got involved, but it was one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time. 2 weeks later and I think it was a crap idea. 5 years ago I would have been enthusiastic, but now I just don't care about anything. I try and make myself do thing like this play, and dance classes, but I don't enjoy them. I do them because I feel like I should enjoy them. Because I know that if I was well I would. But I'm not and I don't. I just don't fucking want to be here. I want to die.

Seeing L tomorrow.

Future

I haven't posted anything for a couple of days because I haven't really felt like I have had that much to say. Basically things have been more of the same. I am still struggling a lot with low mood/eating/suicidal thoughts.

One thing I have noticed that really brings on the suicidal thoughts hard is thinking about the future. I find it so utterly overwhelming and impossible to think about, and end up feeling really desperate, which leads to me wanting to kill myself. I am not quite sure how to resolve this, and it is difficult as it ends up really affecting my life, as I won't commit to doing things even a week or 2 in advance often, let alone months, as I just find it too hard to think ahead like that, and so then I end up not doing things and missing out on things I have wanted to do. Sometimes it is little things, and it doesn't matter that I miss out on them, or I can do them at short notice etc, but it also applies to bigger things, like going on holiday or to visit friends, or courses etc, and sometimes I do regret not doing these things. I suppose I am partly thinking about all of this so much, because I recently (ish) did a video audition for a musical theatre summer course in the USA, which I was accepted onto, and so my mind is now going into overdrive about it. Do I go or do I not go? It is a great opportunity, and I will be really annoyed with myself if I miss it, but can I cope with being away from home for a month? Can I cope with no support for a month? I was in a similar situation last year, in that I was offered a place on a summer MT course in the USA (although not as good, and in the long run I don't regret not going) and was really divided about what to do about it. I decided not to go, and it was the right decision, partly because I don't think the course would have been as good as I had hoped, but also because I really struggled a lot both depression and eating wise last summer - I was severely restricting my food intake, and basically spent the whole summer feeling terrible, very low mood, very suicidal etc. I don't know what would have happened if I had gone away, and felt like that there.

It also sets off my insecurities about myself as a performer. Am I good enough? Am I wasting my time/money on things like this? Should I just forget the whole thing? As I have discussed before, performing is really the only thing that has ever meant anything to me, and I already have a lot of (reasonable) concerns about my chances of becoming professional, but that is all I have wanted for as long as I can remember, and I don't know what I would do if I dismissed that as an option. My age is starting to become an issue - not really for acting, but certainly for musical theatre, which has always been my first love. Then talent wise, I am nothing special really. Acting is my strongest - I have always considered myself an actress that sings and dances, and I suppose I am a reasonably good actress, but I really don't know if I am good enough. I am definitely only a mediocre dancer - I have always considered that my weakest discipline. Singing... singing is a problem. I used to be a fairly strong singer - not outstanding, but I was ok. But for the last couple of years I have had problems with my voice, and so for the last year I really haven't sung at all, because I don't want to make it worse. The next paragraph is probably boring, so if you want to skip it then do.

I saw ENT, and was referred for speech therapy to correct a problem with my vocal cords not meeting properly. When I finally got to the top of the waiting list they said they didn't treat singers. After that was when I switched GP, and so I was re-referred for speech therapy last year, to somewhere that will treat singers. Still hadn't heard anything 9 months after the referral went off, so asked my GP to chase it. Have since had a letter from them saying that as it is over a year since I saw ENT I have to go back to them before they will see me. So I now have an ENT appointment for the end of May. Goodness knows when I will actually get to see someone who can help me. So this is something of a problem, both long term career wise, but also short term. Am I stupid even considering doing an intensive musical theatre summer course when I have a problem with my voice?! Probably. But when I applied I was hoping I would have seen the speech therapist and I would be on the way to having my voice back at full health. Doesn't look like that is going to happen now.

So do I go for the course or not? I just don't know. I have been very enthusiastic about it to my parents etc, said I will definitely be doing it, no qualms etc etc. It does look amazing, and I have heard nothing but very positive comments from people who have done it in the past. But can I cope emotionally with it, and will my voice be up to it? I don't know. I don't want this to be yet another thing that I have intended to do and not gone through with. There are so bloody many of them. So many jobs and courses that I have intended to do and then turned down. Or things I have started and then failed almost immediately.

And what about longer term future? Ignoring talent and the small matter of getting accepted for a moment, am I ever going to be well enough to move away and go to drama school? To do 50+ hours training a week? And if so when? When will I be well enough? When it is too late and I am too old? And realistically, will I ever be good enough? Am I talented enough? I really don't know. But I do know it is the only thing that has ever meant anything to me, and made me happy. And it sounds ridiculous, but if that is not going to happen then that is another big thing in favour of not being here. I don't know. I just feel like there are so many negatives to living, and so few positives. In fact, there are no positives for me - there is just me living for other people. And I am so fucking sick of that. I just don't see the point. And even if someone said that in 5 years time I would be living in London on my own, with an acting job, maybe in a relationship, I don't know if that would be enough to make me want to live. It still wouldn't be enough to make living like this at the moment worthwhile. And if everything I have ever wanted isn't enough to make me want to be alive then what on earth am I doing?

Difficult day

Today has been quite difficult. One of those days where I just really haven't known what to do with myself. I just feel a bit lost and have kind of been drifting all day. My concentration is generally pretty poor, but I can usually keep myself occupied by flitting from one thing to another, so I go on a few different websites, and then read for a bit, and then do emails/blogging for a while, watch some TV, play a computer game, and then just kind of repeat the cycle until the day is gone. But sometimes when I am struggling that just doesn't seem to work for me, and today is one of those days. I try to do the things I usually do, but the websites don't interest me, and I can't concentrate on the book - I either find myself reading the same page over and over trying to get it into my head, or I just read the way I usually would but then realise I haven't got a bloody clue what is going on and who half the characters are. TV and music are irritating me. So then it turns into a staring into space day where I just spend time laying about staring at walls. I keep trying to do things, but I just can't focus properly on any of it.

I have also been feeling very stressed by tiny things. Weighing myself when I first got up was the first thing to stress me, and since then it just seems like everything has. Food has been difficult. I am finding it really difficult to trust any food after yesterday - it all feels really scary and unsafe. Actually, everything feels like that at the moment - not just food. It is the whole world. It feels scary and too much to deal with. Every decision feels momentous, even if it is a really tiny thing. I am so exhausted. I wish there was a way I could escape from life for a while. Get away from the constant fighting with myself.

Weight

I feel crap. My weight was only down 0.2lbs today. That is nothing. I don't know why I bother trying. Ok, the cereal was a lot more calories than I realised, but I have been having that every day. Even with the cereal I must have only had about 700 calories yesterday. I had a slice of bread and peanut butter, some lettuce, cucumber, carrot and pepper, and the cereal. Surely I should have lost some weight? It isn't fair, my body is so fucked. I know the whole starvation mode crap, but what am I supposed to do? If I eat more than about 1000kcals I gain weight. Maintain on about 800 - 1000. So to lose weight I have to go under that. Which I am doing. And it isn't working. I feel so shit about myself, I don't know what to do now. I know logically exercise would be the sensible thing to do, but when I exercise it makes me hungry so I eat more, and so any calories I burn off are replaced by calories I eat because of how hungry it makes me, so that is totally counter productive. I just don't know what to do. I should cut out the peanut butter, but it is the only protein I get. I could replace it with cheese, but that is no better. I feel totally overwhelmed by everything. Everything has too many fucking calories. I am never going to lose weight.

Easter

My weight was down by 0.4lb today. I was disappointed. I shouldn't have been disappointed - at least it was down. But I wanted more. Weight loss gets you like that. It is never enough. And the 2 days before this it has been significantly more - 1lb the first day, 1.6lbs the second day. So it seems unfair that today was so much less, when I didn't eat any more. But that's the way it goes I guess. It is still 3lbs in 3 days, which is good going. I just wanted it to be more. I am getting more and more stressed about Easter. I really can't cope with my weight going up, it has to keep going down, I really really need it to. And it won't. And I don't know how I will cope with that. Tomorrow is Good Friday. That means my mum will buy Hot Cross Buns (we're not a religious family, but we do follow traditions). And there is no way I will get away with not eating one. And that one bun will have about half the calories of my daily intake in. That scares me. Where can I cut out the calories from so I don't gain weight? And then Easter Sunday. Chocolate day. Easter Egg day. How many Easter Eggs will I get? I know my mum has got me one. Probably the same one as I have got her, as I got it because it was half price and looked really good (£4.50 instead of £9 - bargain!). And she will have seen that as well, so it wouldn't suprise me if she got the same one for me. We bought each other the same Easter Egg last year too. Then I expect my dad will get me one. He tends to buy posh ones. I don't know why. That will probably not be too big as it will probably be posh and therefore expensive. This is a good thing, as if it is smaller it will have less calories. I don't know if my sister will have got me one or not. I am torn between my greed hoping she has, and my desperation to lose weight hoping she hasn't. And then I kind of bought a spare one. As did my mum. I got it because I was getting my dad one and they were buy one get one free. So I thought my mum and I could share the free one, because I was having a greedy moment. My mum did the same thing. So we are overrun with fucking Easter Eggs. Thousands and thousands of calories of chocolate will be around. What am I supposed to do? Ordinarily I don't worry about it too much, as although it is a lot of chocolate I don't gorge on it - I just have some Easter Egg chocolate when I fancy chocolate, instead of having normal chocolate. But I am not having chocolate at the moment. So it can't be a replacement, it will be an extra. And I can't deal with extra. I should have just said I didn't want any Easter Eggs this year, but I am too greedy for that. Now I am terrified by the whole thing.

EDIT Oh my goodness. I am completely traumatised. I just went to get some dry cereal as a snack. I do this most evenings. I reckon on it being about 200kcals, which is quite a lot, but it fills me up reasonably well. Per serving (with milk) they say it is 255kcal. So I thought without the milk I was having about 200kcals. Today for some reason I had decided I would weigh it, because I wanted to know for sure I was about right. I poured out a bowl and weighed it. Then reweighed it, because I was sure it couldn't be as heavy as that. It was. It was over 100g. I took some out. I made it exactly 100g. It didn't look a terribly big bowl of cereal. Just your kind of average bowl. I looked at the nutritional information. Without milk, therefore how I have it as a snack, 100g has 416kcals. It is a fucking bowl of cereal! I could have half a pizza for that! I could have 2 chocolate bars! I could have 3 slices of bread! I had absolutely NO idea I was eating that many calories. Sure, I knew how many calories the cereal had per 100g, but I had no idea I was having anything like 100g - I assumed what they call a portion in the nutritional info would be a normal bowlful, and it clearly isn't. Cereal is now very much off the safe foods list, I am never bloody having it again. I am so bloody upset by this stupid fucking cereal. FUCK. I hate myself for being so bloody stupid. Why did I not ever think to weigh it before? I am going to weigh everything I eat from now on. My so called snack has more calories in it than the rest of my day.

Today

4:45PM My weight was down again today. By 1.6lbs from yesterday. That is 2.6lbs in 2 days. It made me happy. I know I can't have lost over 2 and a half lbs of fat in that time, but weight loss is weight loss - I don't care what it is. Hungry, very hungry, but it is ok, I can fight that. I want the numbers to go down again tomorrow. And if that means being really hungry then I just have to deal with that. Keep reminding myself of weight loss slogans. 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'. True. This is true. It whirrs around in my brain every time I want something to eat. Chocolate. I really want chocolate. But it will make my weight go up and that is not acceptable. It has to go down. It was so good earlier seeing the number on the scales lower than I expected. So exciting. I need that again tomorrow. So no chocolate. No anything yet. I can have something in a couple of hours. I wish I wasn't hungry. So much easier to lose weight without the hunger. I have been taking the Hoodia I bought a couple of months ago today and yesterday but it does nothing at all to relieve the hunger. It does not work. Rubbish stuff. But I will keep taking it in case.

I am scared about Easter. I feel so torn by it. There will be lots of chocolate, and I love chocolate. But I am terrified of it because it will make me gain weight. I don't want any chocolate, but at the same time I want loads of it. It makes me feel powerless. I can't not eat it, because I can't do that. But I can't gain weight from it. I can't. I am thinking I will only be able to eat any chocolate when I am on my own so that I can purge afterwards. Ok, it won't get rid of all the calories, but it has got to be the best all round solution I think. I hate times of the year with lots of food. Christmas, Birthdays, Easter. Anything like that. And yet I love them. Because I am actually very greedy, and I want all the food. Loads of it. The more the better. Especially if it is cake or chocolate or sweets. But it makes me feel powerless and out of control, and that scares me. I would feel completely cheated and pissed off if I didn't get an Easter Egg, and yet having one will cause me so much anguish. I was in Co-op earlier, buying my Easter Eggs for other people. And I nearly caved and bought myself bags of Mini Eggs because they were on offer. I love Mini Eggs. And then I saw Creme Eggs on offer. I love Creme Eggs. And you can only get them at Easter so I feel like I need them. I wanted them so much. But I didn't buy them. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels, right?

I saw N earlier. She took me to the shops to buy my Easter Eggs for people. She is leaving in May. Although she works at my CMHT, she is actually employed by MIND, and was only on a 1 year contract, which she was hoping would be renewed, but there is no funding available. So no more Support Worker come May. Got to love the way the Mental Health system works. Decide someone has a need, provide them with the service, realise they can't afford the service, so take it away and ignore the need. This has happened to me before, under a different Trust. They seem to think that Support Workers are disposable, and so if funding is low they get the chop.

Still feeling much the same. Still having the same thoughts. Still having the little visions of me attempting to kill myself running through my head. Feel completely exhausted. Hate having to fight with myself like this constantly. There is no break from it whatever I do, because it is in my head, and I can't get away from my own head. Even in my sleep it is there. And my sleep is shit, even when I eventually manage to get to sleep. I just want it all to stop. Why does it have to be so hard? Being alive just shouldn't be this painful.

6:30PM The hunger has dissipated a lot. The arguments have started. I won’t have pasta for dinner, therefore I am the most impossible person to deal with, and why won’t I just eat normally etc etc. When I eat ‘normally’ I gain weight. I don’t restrict for fun. I do it because it is the only way I can lose weight. She doesn’t understand because she can eat like a pig and still be thin. I can’t do that. I wish I could. I really, really wish I could. But it doesn’t work like that for me. I hate the way she has to judge and comment on everything I eat, it really winds me up.

My relationship with my Mum is so strained at the moment. It is very rare that we are able to have a conversation without it turning into an argument. Everything I do is wrong. I am always lazy, or not making an effort, or selfish, or horrible, or being ridiculous. I find her so difficult to live with, and even be around. It is so much easier when I am on my own. She is off work for the next 2 and a half weeks, and I am dreading it. It will be a nonstop series of fights over what I eat, what I do, when I sleep. And when there are people around I have to pretend everything is fine, and that is so tiring. I just need a break from everything.

8:50PM Frustrated. I had some food about an hour ago, and I am more hungry now than before I ate. Diet coke time...

Failure

I feel like a failure. In so many ways.

People say I am doing well because I am still here etc, but to me it feels like I am failing. I don't want to be alive, and I am, therefore I am failing. I know we live in a society where suicide is seen as a bad thing (well actually, that probably applies to most societies to be fair, but that is besides the point) and selfish, and that it is therefore a good thing to stay alive even if you feel like shit etc, but it doesn't feel like a good thing to me.

I feel like people think I am an attention seeker, or crying wolf, because I talk about feeling suicidal and how I am going to kill myself, and then don't act on it. But when I say it it is because that is how I am really feeling at the time - I am not saying it for effect or anything. I have never said I am planning to kill myself unless I genuinely am. I feel like people now assume that I am not actually going to go through with it when I say I am feeling suicidal, and when I feeling this bad it is hard to feel that. I don't want to say I don't feel like I am being taken seriously, because it isn't that as such, for instance I know that L does know how bad I feel. But when I am feeling really terrible and really feel like I am going to act on these thoughts I find it hard to think that everyone just kind of thinks I will be ok and get through it. Because sometimes I can't.

I feel like a failure for my weight. For having let myself gain so much. For not having the will power to lose it.

I feel like a failure for not achieving anything in my life. When I speak to people I haven't spoken to for a long time I feel ashamed of myself when they ask me what I have been doing. I have accomplished nothing since my A levels, and that was quite a few years ago now. People I haven't been in touch with for a long time expect me to have been to drama school. I haven't. Because I can't even cope with getting out of bed every day, let alone doing 50+ hours a week at drama school.

I feel like a failure for not being a better friend. For not being able to support my friends better when they are struggling. I try, I really do, but sometimes when I am doing badly I just can't cope with it.

I feel like a failure as a daughter. For having done nothing to make my parents proud of me. For seeming ungrateful and lazy and uncaring. I'm not really. I try, but it is so difficult living with feeling like this all the time. I love them very much. But part of me wants to push them away so they will be less hurt when I kill myself.

I feel like a failure for having been unable to do so many things I have planned or intended to do. For having dropped out of things I have started because I haven't been able to cope.

I feel completely and utterly worthless.

And that is why I shouldn't be here. Why I should kill myself. And why I am a failure for not having done so already.

I caved...

I went to see L after all. I had an email from her this morning - she didn't try to persuade me to go, but she was very supportive, and although I still wasn't sure about going and felt quite uncomfortable (plus embarassed for having said I wasn't going to go), I did make myself. She was pretty suprised - she hadn't thought I would. We talked a bit about what was behind me not wanting to go, and what to do in the future if I felt like that again etc.

We talked briefly about food etc. She had asked me to start doing the dreaded food diary again, so I did yesterday. I didn't eat that much yesterday - I think a combination of not being hungry because I felt so shit, and intentionally restricting. It resulted in my weight being down 1lb from yesterday, which I was naturally pleased about. I hate that I can be so controlled by my weight though, and that it can have such an enormous impact on me. And I hate that I see restricting as a good thing. L commented on how little I had eaten yesterday, and for a second this little spark of pride shot through me. Which is bad. She wasn't meaning it as a compliment.

I am really hungry now as I haven't eaten yet today, but I don't want to. I desperately want my weight to go down again tomorrow. I know I am just using food as a coping mechanism etc, and it is bad, but if I can get my weight going down it just might make me feel slightly better, and the only way I can do that is by restricting.

Apart from that we mostly just chatted really. When I am feeling so bad I get quite irrational about things, so there isn't much point trying to go into anything too deep. She knows the suicidal thoughts are there etc, but we have talked about them a lot in the past, so there didn't really seem much point in going over it much. As I said yesterday, there is nothing she can do about it anyway.

Appointment tomorrow

I have been thinking about it and I am not going to go and see L tomorrow. I feel like I am wasting her time. I can't do the things she is asking me to do (get into a better sleep pattern, go out for walks, eat regularly rather than my chaotic all over the place style, etc etc) because I just feel too bad and it is too difficult. And if I am not going to do what she is telling me to do there is no point me seeing her. She could be spending her time helping someone who might actually get better. Whereas I have had enough, I don't want to be here anymore. I know that people will think I should go, but there really isn't any point. I know what I want, and that is to not be here, so seeing her is just wasting her time.

Today

Just spoke to L (had sent her an email last night asking if she could call me today). Finally got to sleep around half 7/8 I think so have had about 4 hours. She doesn't want me to go back to sleep so that I am able to sleep tonight. She wants me to do something physical (I don't mean exercsise, but something that isn't laying in bed) that I can get into that will take at least an hour, and said she will ring back about half 3. I can't think of anything. I don't want to be awake. The only things I can think of doing involve hurting myself and I don't think that is what she was thinking of. I feel really unsafe. Now I am awake I keep thinking that I have about 5 hours before anyone will be home and I could overdose. I can't cope.

Sleep?

I am going to try and get to sleep. It is about 5 hours earlier than I usually manage to sleep, but I can't cope with being awake anymore today, I feel too awful, and I don't think I will be able to keep myself safe if I stay awake. Really struggling so much, I just don't know what to do with myself.

Edit 2am - I am awake. I slept for about an hour and then woke up and can't get back to sleep. Have had another Diazepam but not sure what to do now.

Edit 4am - Still awake. Struggling

Edit 5:30am - Still awake. Had another Diazepam an hour or so back. I am really tired but I can't sleep. Feel like shit.

Edit 7am - Still awake. This is ridiculous

Suicidal thoughts

I really don't know how to cope with how suicidal I have been feeling the last few days. Or even if I want to. It feels like it would be so much easier to just give in to it. All I can think about is my weight and killing myself, my head just flicks from one to the other. I don't care about anything else. Have been thinking about asking someone to get some speed for me (no, I don't take drugs, but I have been thinking about it a lot). Not for the high, but because it would take away my appetite and then I wouldn't eat and then I would start losing weight, and then maybe I would feel like I could cope a bit better. The way I am at the moment I feel like nothing can make me feel any worse. I actually cannot live with myself at this weight. So either I lose weight or I kill myself. Killing myself is preferable, because I know I would still feel crap even if I did lose weight - I am not naive enough to think that if I lost weight everything would be wonderful and I would be happy etc etc. I know I would still be depressed. But it would help in that it would be one less thing to distress me, so it is an option. But being alive like this is definitely not.

GP appointment

I didn't really manage to talk to my GP about how I was feeling. I did kind of mean to, but at the same time I really didn't see the point. She can't alter my medications - only my psychiatrist is allowed to do that, and L has already said she is going to talk to my psychiatrist about putting me back on anti depressants, it was just unfortunate that my psych was off this week and so it will probably end up being another month before I get to see her.

Anyway, back to the appointment with Dr O. So yes, she can't change my meds, and there isn't a lot else she (or anyone else) can do, so it didn't seem like there was much point telling her how I feel. But I did intend to try. But she started talking about how she really thought I should stop the Diazepam (ongoing theme), and so we ended up talking about that. I said that there have been quite a few times when Diazepam has stopped me from self harming or overdosing - when I have been really desperate and upset and really in a mess, sometimes taking a couple of Diazepam has taken the edge off enough to stop me from hurting myself. And I don't know what would happen at these times if I didn't have that. She said maybe replacing it with something less toxic (her word, not mine) would be a good idea, and asked if the physical symptoms of anxiety or the thoughts were worse - I said definitely the thoughts, as I don't get loads in the way of physical symptoms, and those I do get I could live with if it wasn't for the thoughts. She was clearly hoping I would answer the other way around, as she said it can be difficult to tell them apart. I asked what she was thinking of and she said Propranolol as it would apparently help with the physical symptoms and then I could cope with the thoughts, as she thinks Diazepam is just covering up the thoughts and is like putting a blanket over things. I said that is exactly WHY I take the Diazepam - because it does that. There is no way I am swapping Diazepam for Propranolol, that would be a shit exchange. I then got a bit upset and started crying because I said that so far stopping medications had been a shit idea and made everything worse. She (who was very strongly in favour of me stopping my medications) said that she didn't think it had made things worse. I said my mood was lower, she said she didn't think it was. I said that I thought it was, and that L thought that from a clinical symptoms point of view I was worse. She said my mood hadn't seemed much lower to her. It kind of irritates me when professionals contradict you like this. I live with my mood - I know if it is lower or not. And she sees me for half an hour a month - L sees me for an hour and a half a week. If someone is going to notice, it is surely more likely to be L, since she spends about 12 times more time with me than Dr O does?

I also said that stopping the Trytophan was the most enormous mistake as since then I have gained 22lbs and hate myself, and can't stop thinking about my weight and that it makes me feel suicidal, and also that I have started purging again (albeit not often) since I stopped it, and didn't do it the whole time I was on it. She said that maybe restarting that if I really felt it had helped wouldn't be such a bad thing, and that she would write to Dr E about that and the Diazepam. She then said maybe I could have the Tryptophan back if they stopped the Diazepam, so that if they were taking away something I felt helped, then I would be getting something else that I felt helped. She went on to say she wasn't bartering, and I said it sure as hell sounded like it. There is no way Dr E will prescribe me the Tryptophan anyway - she was not budging an inch when I talked about it with her last time. I asked Dr O to give it to me today, because I know there is no way Dr E will, but she said it wasn't her decision.

I do like my GP, and we get on well, and she always spends a long time talking to me etc, but she always seems very anti psychiatric drugs (I did mention that she was being very anti-psychiatry when she was going on about the Diazepam - she laughed and said not to tell the CMHT) and that does kind of bother me. I know people seem to have an obsession with stopping the Diazepam (Dr E wants to as well), but I don't understand why they want to take away something that helps me. I know they don't want me to get addicted to it, but I am very good with it and I only take it when I need it. It also irritates me that one of their problems with me taking it seems to be my age - both Dr E and Dr O have said they don't like people my age being on Diazepam. I don't get that. Age seems irrelevant. If it helps me why does it matter that I am 23? Why would they be more willing to prescribe it if I was 63?

I am still feeling really bad. Strong suicidal thoughts. As usual exacerbated by how I feel about my body and weight. I just want to make everything stop. I don't feel like I have any energy or fight left. I feel so exhausted. And I hate that there is nothing anyone can do. It leads me back to feeling like the only viable option is suicide. Maybe it is.

Struggling

I feel really crap. The suicidal thoughts have got so strong again lately and I am finding it really difficult not to act on them. Although there wouldn’t have been much opportunity this week anyway really. I probably wouldn’t have done anything even if there had been I suppose. I want to. I wish I could. I wish I could so much. I wish I could forget how my parents have reacted when I have tried in the past. It sounds terrible, but sometimes I wish they weren’t here so that I could kill myself without worrying about upsetting people. I do still think they would be better off without me, but I don’t think they would be able to see that. I just feel so terrible, and I can’t think of any reason to be alive at the moment except for other people. And I don’t know how much longer I can live for other people. I don’t remember the last time I wouldn’t have wanted to die. Why would it be more selfish of me to kill myself, than it is other people keeping me alive? I hate myself so much. I feel so disgusting. Repulsive. And so ashamed of myself. Even whilst I am sitting here writing this I feel so aware of how big my thighs are and it is making me so uncomfortable and disgusting that I am crying. I just want to slice bits off them. I feel hideous letting people see me like this. Just thinking about it makes me feel so sick. I hate myself for letting my weight be so important to me. I know that if I was losing weight I would still feel like shit, and I would still feel suicidal, but that on top of everything else is just too much for me. I just want a break so much. I just want a little while of not feeling like this. Of not having to fight with myself all the time. And if I was losing weight at least it would be one thing less to upset me. I would do anything right now. I can’t even express how desperate I feel. I keep thinking about next week and when I could kill myself and how. It is so appealing.

Various ramblings

Supersize vs Superskinny. Why do I do it to myself? New series tonight, and naturally I had to watch. I know I find it triggering. I know that it upsets me without fail. I know the 'superskinny' people are too thin, but all I feel is jealousy. Why can't I look like that? Then I always eat when I am watching it. Oh the irony.

My weight is still a big issue. I can't stop gaining and it is terrifying me. I haven't been this heavy for a long time - I think the last time was probably in 2006. There was a time in 2008 when I wasn't much lighter than this, but I can't have got as big as this, because there were clothes that fitted me then that don't now. My wardrobe has literally been limited to 2 skirts and 1 pair of trousers (that are on the verge of being too tight) and some tops. I find this very distressing. As you would really. And I just don't know what to do about it. It sounds pathetic, but I am feeling more and more suicidal, and I know my weight is contributing to that a lot. I feel like if I don't start losing weight soon I am not going to be able to stop myself acting on the thoughts. Absolutely everything is triggering me and upsetting me. I am really desperate.

Dance has been a bit of a problem the last few weeks. Quite a few years ago I had pretty severe shin splints, and had to have a while off dancing, and couldn't jump for about a year because it would just set them off again. Even walking was really painful. They were caused by a combination of my feet rolling in and dancing on a concrete floor. I managed to get rid of them again, and corrected my rolling in. However, the last month or so I have felt my shins starting to become uncomfortable again when I jump, and by last night they were getting quite painful. I am still very aware of them today, they still feel uncomfortable. I suppose I will have to start elevating and icing them every day like I used to, but I am kind of bothered about them because I don't know what has caused them. I don't think I roll in anymore, and I dance on lovely sprung floors, so that isn't the problem. I got a bit upset last night because I was talking about it with my mum, and she asked if it could have been my weight gain that has caused them. That is very unlikely, so that isn't what upset me - it was someone else acknowledging my weight gain that upset me. I don't want people to lie to me and pretend I look the same, because I know I don't, but being asked if my weight gain could have caused a dance injury is upsetting. For the record, although I have gained a lot of weight (about 22lbs), my BMI is currently 21.1, so I am not actually overweight. I really feel it though.

I was supposed to be seeing Dr E tomorrow, but I had a call today saying that it had been cancelled as she is off ill. That's a bit of a buggar, because I am supposed to see her once a month at the moment, and it is already 2 months since I have seen her, as I was supposed to see her 1 month ago, but I rung 6 weeks to rearrange that as I couldn't get there, and I didn't get another appointment offered until the one tomorrow, which has now been cancelled, so I am hoping it isn't another 6 weeks before I get given another one. I am seeing N tomorrow, I didn't see her last week as she couldn't fit me in. I am not looking forward to that, as basically I see her to get me out the house, and I really don't want to leave the house at the moment. I don't want to have to get dressed, and I don't want anyone to see me. I just can't do this. I am seeing L on thursday, but she is seeing me at home this week as she had a course on the day I usually see her, and it is difficult for me to get there other days. I am just relieved I won't have to leave the house as much. Although I am seeing my GP friday, so I will have to go out for that. Buggar. I had forgotten about that. I just want to hide and not let anyone see me at the moment.

No no no no no no NO. I can't do this. I feel so fucking shit. I hate myself so much. I didn't want to write anything because I didn't want to just write self pitying drivel every time I wrote anything, but I needed to do something.

I should be happy. I have had good news this week. But even when things that should be good happen, I just see all the negatives.

Everything is bad. Sleep is bad. Weight is hideous. Concentration is crap. Motivation is non existant. Suicidal thoughts are rampant. Self esteem is at the bottom of a well somewhere. I can cope with 1 or 2 of these things being bad. I really can't deal with the whole lot. The continuing saga of my weight is still a massive problem. It makes me feel more suicidal. It makes me ashamed to leave the house. It makes me not even want to get out of bed, because walking makes me too aware of my thighs. So I lay in bed. And get fatter. Which makes me feel more worthless. More suicidal. And so it goes on.

I just want to scream and cry and shout and cut and overdose and punch things. I feel utterly overwhelmed.

I hate everyone. I really feel like everyone is against me. They all want me to be fat. Why do they want me to be fat? They know how shit it makes me feel. So why won't they give me the one fucking thing that helped me control my weight? Maybe they want me to kill myself. One person off the case load. I am so angry. Fucking furious actually. I just don't understand.

Now I am crying. I just don't know what to do. I feel so desperate, and so alone. I feel completely trapped by my mood and my weight. I can't do this. I just want to make everything stop.

Night time

I can't sleep. So I am looking at hotels in New York. And Boston. I seem to be planning to travel. Or kill myself. Feel shit. Seeing L tomorrow. Tired. Was about to have a Diazepam but remembered I did actually have one about half an hour ago. Probably best not to have more. Wish I wasn't here. Useless. Fat. Horrible. Worthless. Need it to stop. Need control. Need something.

Cake

So it didn't turn out perfectly, but it tasted delicious! I wanted to write 'Happy Mother's Day' on it, but my writing with icing skills aren't very developed, so I decided to stick with 'Mummy' on the basis that it was shorter...



After we had eaten some. You can see the white icing in the middle.

Mother's Day

I am making a cake. For Mother's Day. A chocolate cake. When I say making, that might be a tiny bit misleading. I cheated. I bought one of those Betty Crocker Devil's Food Cake mixes. I should have made it from scratch, I know. But the thing is I am a perfectionist. And cakes frustrate me. Sometimes I have made delicious chocolate cakes that have been very very moist and lovely. But sometimes they just end up a bit dry. From exactly the same recipe. The unpredictability frustrates me. So I bought a mix. I have used this mix before, several times, and the cake has always been to die for, and I wanted the cake to be perfect. It is in the oven at the moment. I hope it will be perfect. I did not buy the icing though. I will make the icing. 2 colours. Normal icing will go in the middle and be used for the piping (yeah.. that bit is worrying me too). Chocolate icing will go on the top and sides. Buttercream. Yummy! And then I bought Cadbury buttons, and Milkybar buttons to put around the piping. Alternate. I may even attempt to write on it if I am feeling really adventurous. I want it to look very pretty.

There is of course an obvious problem with this cake. I adore cake. I will eat at least half of this cake, and then bemoan my weight gain. Which is still continuining by the way. Passed 9 stone today. I cried. Then started making a cake. I know this is a stupid thing to do. But I wanted to do something for my mum, and we love cake. I have still been doing the food diary. I might stop though. I find it distressing when in the evening I look at what I have eaten that day and think it has been enough to lose, or at least just maintain, and then when I wake up the next day I have gained. I basically seem unable to eat more than 1000kcals without gaining.

I have been feeling really shit. Very suicidal. Lots of difficult thoughts. Very much back into planning again. Right now I couldn't say whether I will act on it or not. If I do it won't be in the next couple of days anyway, they are impractical for various reasons. But I am finding it harder and harder to keep going.

If my cake looks good I shall take photos and post them later. If there are no photos then it has all gone disastrously wrong. Or I have forgotten to take photos.

Today

I spoke to L earlier. I was very upset and distressed, and cried most of the time. She really wants me to start going for a walk every day to get me out the house, and also to try and sort out my metabolism so that I am not getting so distressed about my weight. The trouble is, I have issued with walking, and got seriously panicky about it. It is completely and utterly irrational, but I find walking on my own (well, with the dog, but without other people) really scary. Just her talking about it made me start to have a little panic attack. I always get paranoid that somebody is following me, and spend the whole time looking over my shoulder and getting increasingly worked up about the whole bloody thing. She also wants me to try and aim to maintain my weight, rather than obsess with losing it, but this is an absolute impossibility for me at the moment, and the mention of it caused minor hysterics. She said to write down what I was thinking/feeling and to email it to her, so I did that, and thought I would copy it here, mostly for my own reference.

'I hate myself. All I can think about is how useless I am, and how I can’t do anything right. My weight is really getting me down. People say that being thin doesn’t make you happy, and that is true, I have not been happy when I have been at lower weights, but it has been one less thing to upset me. At the moment I am finding my weight so distressing, and it stops me from wanting anybody to see me, so I am avoiding seeing people even more than I usually would. I am ashamed of myself for letting myself get so massive, and I feel completely worthless for not being able to lose the weight. I so desperately want to lose weight. I don’t even need to go as low as I was last year, I could cope with maintaining in the low 8st range, but I can’t cope with my weight being as high as it is now. There are things I think about doing, and then just can’t because I can’t let people see me like this. I can’t bear the thought of people seeing me like this. I really feel grotesque. I am not going to go to ballet any more until I have lost weight. It makes me feel too horrible. I hated it last night – the whole lesson I just wanted to get out of there.

So I know I am partly feeling bad about my weight, but I really don’t know why else. I feel like such a horrible person at the moment, I am so irritable and I am snapping and screaming at my parents over tiny things, that don’t even matter. I can't spend more than a couple of minutes with them without losing it and screaming and shouting at them. And I get angry with them, and then I get angry with me for being such a bitch. I feel completely worthless. I really don’t want to be alive. I am a failure, and I keep going in this stupid fucking deluded way hoping that maybe one day things will get better, but they never do, they get worse. I don’t think I have ever hated myself as much as I do now. I have never felt so useless. I really feel like I can’t do anything, that I am not good at anything, that I am a horrible person, that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here. I feel so pathetic for not even being able to go out for a walk on my own. Useless. I keep getting these little pictures flashing into my head of me slashing at myself with a blade, or overdosing. I want to hurt myself. I hate myself. I can’t think properly, it just goes back to that. Nothing else matters. I want to die.'

She seems to be leaning quite strongly towards me going back on anti depressants, but who knows what Dr E will think, as she always seems quite strongly against me taking medication, due to the whole 'You have a personality disorder so medication won't help you' line. Not due to see her for a couple of weeks anyway. At this rate I don't feel like I will be here by then, but who knows. I am really hungry. It is so tempting to just go and raid the kitchen and eat whatever the hell I like since it doesn't seem to make any fucking difference how careful I am about what I eat, I still gain. But I really don't know what I will do in the morning if I have gained again, I was so upset by it today. So I won't eat anything else. I will just have to try and sleep. I am so bloody exhausted. Not tired as such, just emotionally completely drained, I feel like I have nothing left.

Blah

I am really struggling. I don't really know why. I feel very emotional. Very tired all the time. I had the one night where I got to sleep at 1, but I still didn't sleep well, then the next night I got to sleep about half 4 and again slept badly, then last night was quite disturbed again. So lack of sleep probably isn't helping. My weight is getting me down enormously. I have been trying to be careful with what I have been eating, and am certainly nowhere near 2000kcal a day, but anything I manage to lose on a day when I really restrict goes straight back on if I actually eat. Feeling very suicidal. Hate myself. Feel like I am a disgusting, repulsive person, both physically and inside.

A small triumph

I got to sleep at 1am last night! Goodness knows how, as I didn't wake up until 3pm, but I felt tired so I thought I would have a Diazepam so my thoughts weren't too over the place, and try to sleep, but I didn't really think it would work, but it did! First time I have been asleep before 6am for weeks! I realise this does not seem a big deal, but I was quite pleased with myself.

I am still keeping up with the food diary. I have done it for 5 days now. It is hard to be honest - when I eat something that I feel like I shouldn't have it is very tempting to just not write it down, as though it will then have had no calories in it, but I know that isn't actually going to help, so I have been very honest - everything that has passed my lips has been written down. Except water, because that seems pointless.

Saw L this morning. Talked briefly about the food diary. Mine and hers. She seemed to find it quite difficult, which let's face it - it is. Writing down every single thing that you eat is hard. Those little tiny snacks that you had, that you would usually forget about when thinking about what you ate that day are all written down in black and white (well, purple and white in my case - I tend to write in purple). I am finding I am eating less on average than I have been recently, because every time I go to eat something I am very aware that I will have to write it down. Anyway, she wants me to carry on doing it until I see her next tuesday, so I have another week of it to go. Showing what I had eaten was a bit hard, as I feel embarassed, and like I will be judged on it, but I think that this was made easier by her having to show me hers as well.

I have decided I definitely have issues with exercise. It is shit really. Sure it burns calories, but it makes me so hungry that I end up eating more calories than I have burnt off. Somewhat counter productive really.

Seeing N tomorrow. Need to remember to get something for my Mum for Mothers Day when I am with her, as I won't have another opportunity to get out really. Well, I could if I wanted to I suppose, but I won't. I don't like leaving the house.

Long, probably boring, ramblings

For some reason I felt a bit nervous about seeing L today. There was absolutely no reason why I should feel like this - she has never given me any reason whatsoever not to trust her, or to feel awkward talking to her in anyway - she has always been incredibly supportive whatever I have thrown at her. I think it was just because it had been so long since I had seen her - 3 and a half weeks - and I find gaps like that difficult to deal with. She did actually ring this morning and say that she had had a couple of cancellations, so she had more time and so could do a home visit if I wanted, as she knew I was struggling and finding it hard to get out the house, but I said I would see her at the CMHT as planned, because my Mum has fridays off work and I don't feel comfortable talking when she is in the house. But the fact that she had thought of that and rung and asked me did make me feel less tense about seeing her.

Also I am feeling so self conscious at the moment because of my weight that I am finding anything that involves people very difficult, as it feels like everyone is going to be looking at me and judging me, which again is irrational, but I can't help thinking it. I am constantly so aware of how much bigger I am, that it feels like everyone else must be noticing it too, even people who I walk past in the street and have never met. L said something about people seeing me as slim if they looked at me, and it upset me a bit because I feel like there is absolutely no way that could possibly be true. 20lbs ago, maybe, but not now. I realised last night that bar 1lb I have gained a fifth of my body weight, or rather a fifth of what my body weight was. A friend who knows all of this keeps trying to tell me I look the same, and that I don't look like I have gained anything, and whilst I know she means well in saying this and is trying to make me feel better, it frustrates me. I have gained at least 2 clothes sizes, 20lbs, my BMI has gone up by 3.3. There is clearly absolutely no way I look the same, it is completely impossible - that is a significant ammount of weight gain. I know that she means well, but I would rather she was either honest or didn't say anything - I hate being humoured, even if it is with good intentions.

One of the things to come out of my session with L today is that I am going to keep a dreaded food diary. She mentioned this to me a few weeks ago on the phone, and said she would bring it to my next session, but that was the one that was cancelled because she was off sick, and then she was on leave, so we didn't talk about it any further until today. It is your fairly typical food diary format - columns for time, food eaten, whether it was a meal/snack/binge, any compensatory measures taken, and then the opposite page is for thoughts/feelings about that days intake. I do hate food diaries. I find them really difficult to fill in - from a practical point of view because I tend to forget them, but primarily because I feel like I will be judged on what I write down in them. I have always found that keeping a food diary makes me think a lot more about what I eat - if I am going to eat something it crosses my mind that if I do so I will have to write it down, so I think more about whether I really do want it or not, which at the moment is a good thing, as I am trying to lose weight, but I always wonder if they don't make things worse when people are already restricting. But that is beside the point. For clarification, the reason she has suggested it is not because she is saying I should lose weight, but because she thinks I need more structure in my life, and to feel in control of thing (generally, not just with food), and as food and weight are one of the major things bothering me at the moment she sees that as a good place to start. I was possibly a bit challenging over the food diary, primarily because I am scared that she will look at what I am eating and think that it is no wonder I am gaining weight, and that I deserve to be fat eating like I am. Which again, I know is bollocks - she is the last person who would judge me on what I am eating, but I still feel embarassed every time I write something down. When I was talking about finding it difficult she said that she had never done one and that maybe she should, so in the end we agreed that I would do it if she would as well. I am seeing her on tuesday next week, so it is only a few days until then, so I am really going to try hard to keep up with it. I know that showing it to her will be the hard part, but I am hoping that just the act of writing down everything I eat and knowing that someone will be seeing it will help me to eat less, and at less stupid times (ie the middle of the night).

My sleep is still bad. I don't remember the last time I got to sleep before about 6AM. I am hoping tonight will be an improvement on that, as I was actually awake more of the day - I got up at half 12 (yes, I know that is half way through the day, but it is better than 3), and I had also been awake in the morning because it woke me up when L called and I couldn't get back to sleep for about 45 mins, so I didn't get that much sleep last night, which means I am hoping I will be able to get to sleep earlier tonight. As it is already 3:15AM it is obviously not going to be early, but any improvement would be good.

On that note I think I will go and attempt to sleep. This has been rather long and tedious - well done if you reached the end!

I'm not okay

I am not feeling very good. I think things started slipping maybe 4 or 5 days ago, but I have been busy pretending that if I ignore it then it will go away. Sadly not working. The last couple of days I have been feeling worse and am having to admit to myself that I seem to be entering another bad patch. I don't know what has caused it. I never do. That frustrates me a lot. I would of course have to be a complete moron not to realise that my unhappiness over my weight is contributing to my low mood. I want to cry every time I become aware of my body. Have been purging again this last month. Not often, but it isn't good to even be doing it again semi regularly having not done it at all for so long. It can't just be my weight making me feel like this though, as I haven't actually gained anything in the time that I have noticed things getting worse. I feel very alone at the moment. It almost feels like I am in a bubble and cut off from everyone else. I feel very slowed down too, I can't think properly. My sleep is very bad. I suppose the fact that I am writing this at 6am shows that. Even when I do get to sleep I am waking up a lot. I don't remember the last time when I had a good sleep that I actually woke up from feeling refreshed. I wake up exhausted every day. My thoughts are becoming increasingly intrusive again. Feeling very hopeless and overwhelmed by it all really.

It probably isn't helping that I haven't seen L for a long time. It is 3 weeks now, and I am not seeing her until friday, which feels like a long way away at the moment. And I think I have only spoken to her on the phone once in that time, whereas usually I see her for about an hour and a half, and call and talk to her if I am not feeling too good.

Not sure what to do with myself really. Try again to sleep I suppose.

'Life is funny
But not ha ha funny
Peculiar I guess
You think I got it all going my way
Then why am I such a fucking mess?'
- 3 Speed, Eels