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Just wanted to let you all know I am not intending to blog for a while. I may or may come back to it, I don't know. I have met some wonderful friends through this blog who I value enormously, but I feel too much like I am being judged by what I write here to continue. I have nothing to talk about except how I feel, and that is not changing, and I can't cope with being accused of crying wolf for talking about my feelings, so I feel a break is in order. The suicidal thoughts are incredibly strong, but since I am still alive that apparently proves I am just attention seeking, and the fact that the professionals and my family know how I am feeling but don't offer any more support makes me feel like they either also think I am attention seeking, or that they have accepted my decision - it doesn't really matter which. As I have said before, I have been having trust issues for a while, and they have just been exacerbated by things that have been going on on Facebook lately in relation to this blog, and I just can't deal with it. I had been considering taking a break anyway, and events tonight have made up my mind. If I am around, those of you who want to keep in touch with me know how to. Thank you very much for all of the support over the past 15 months or so. I appreciate it enormously and wish you all the best. xxxx
I was lucky enough today to be visited by the lovely Karita. I can honestly say that she is one of the most caring, supportive people I have ever met. It was really good to have someone there, in 'real life' who I didn't need to pretend with, and who was completely non judgemental and made me feel cared about. Despite having never met her before, I felt able to be completely honest with her, which although I do when writing on this blog, I find incredibly hard to do when actually speaking to someone, but I just felt completely at ease with her. She spent hours listening to me and cuddling me and letting me cry, and just being completely wonderful. I can't say how much I appreciated her visit. Her husband, who is also lovely, drove her up here, and then left us to it for a few hours, and then I had my appointment with Dr O, which she came to with me, and then we came back home and they both came in for several hours, and left at about 9pm. They don't live close to me, and so it really did mean such a lot that they had made so much effort to come and visit me. I am always amazed that anyone could care about me at all, let alone someone who had never even met me, and had to travel hours to come and see me, just because I am struggling so much. I am immensely grateful that she did though, and just for the record, she gives great hugs! I really can't thank her enough.
My GP appointment was fairly uneventful I think. Karita may remember more if than I do - I don't have a great memory about appointments. My mum had spoken to L at some point today, and told me that L had said to ask for blood tests to be done, which she did suggest to me a couple of weeks ago, but I forgot about, and that if my GP was happy to then she could prescribe an anti depressant. How kind! I have only been saying for about nine months that I thought I was better on medication, even if it was only slightly. My GP said that since I have problems sleeping as well then Mirtazapine might be a good one. I can't remember if I actually laughed out loud at that or just in my head, but I said there was no way I was taking it, and she asked why, and I said because of the weight gain. She said that I knew too much, and that she wouldn't have told me about that. Suggestion number two was Seroxat. Since I had no actual intention of taking anything that was prescribed due to the whole suicidal thing, I did let her give me a script for that, but it is not a medication I have ever wanted to take, primarily because of the controversy over it regarding stopping taking it, and also the fact that it increases suicidal thoughts in some people. I mentioned the Panorama programme and got told off for knowing too much again. I am sure Karita won't mind me saying that my favourite part of the appointment was when Dr O was talking to her and asking where she had come from and if she worked etc, and then asked if she had taken time off work, ie meaning today to come and see me, and Karita was clearly thinking in mental health terms and replied 'no, not recently'. My second favourite bit in the appointment was after telling my GP how suicidal I was feeling, she asked what my parents were doing tomorrow, and said (quite excitedly I thought) that there was point to pointing on, and seemed to be presenting that as a reason to stay alive. My GP is sweet, she is very well meaning, and she cares, but I think Karita would probably agree that mental health is not her speciality, and she does come out with some comments that are either very random, like the point to pointing suggestion, or quite unhelpful, like trying to guilt trip me into staying alive by telling me how it would destroy people's lives if I killed myself etc. I never find comments like that at all helpful, as of course I think about it - I think about it non stop, and I hate myself for it, and I wish there was an alternative, which is why I continue to seek help even when I no longer want it for myself, but there does come a time when your pain is just too immense, and even knowing how much you will upset the people you care about just isn't enough, but I think that is probably something that is incredibly difficult for anyone to understand unless they have actually felt that level of desperation themselves. I tried to be honest with Dr O. I think I was, although I did find I was getting more and more frustrated as the appointment went on, and so remembered less and less of what was being said. She just kept telling me that I could keep going, and that I could see the nurse for blood tests next week and then her again the following week, and I was getting more and more worked up as the suicidal thoughts are just so overwhelming. She told me to book the appointments for the blood test and to see her again, and also told Karita to talk to me about things or something when we got home (I'm not really sure - I think she was telling her to persuade me not to kill myself?) and then to phone and speak to her later, but I didn't book the appointments, as it seemed entirely pointless, and I didn't phone her, as I had seen her an hour before - I had nothing else to say. She did phone and spoke to my mum, but I have no idea what was said.
The suicidal thoughts are very strong and very overwhelming. I truly wish there was a way out of all of this without hurting people, but there isn't. I can't cope, I am completely desperate, and yet again I am in the position where I am next due to see someone in nearly two week's time. I am out of options. I have told everyone how I feel. I have tried to get help, even when I haven't wanted it. I have tried to keep going. I have tried doing the things I am supposed to be doing, like going to bed early the other night, going for a walk etc etc, but I still feel the same. It was really great to see Karita - she really was an absolute star, and I love her to pieces, and all of the support I get online is invaluable, but nobody can take away the thoughts, and at times like these when I am alone with them it is just all too much. I have no hope for the future, I have no fight left in me - I have nothing but desperation.
It isn't getting any easier. Last night was horrible. I literally was unable to keep my eyes open, and fell asleep, crying because I needed to stay awake longer so that I could wait for my parents to go to bed and kill myself but just couldn't do it. I slept for a few hours, and then woke at about 2:30am I think. I was still feeling utterly exhausted, but not sleepy. I needed the toilet but I didn't have the energy to move, so I held it in for about three hours before I finally reached the point where it was moving or wetting the bed. When I woke up I was questioning whether or not it was too late in the night to go ahead with my plan. I don't do things on impulse, and I will not attempt suicide unless I think there is at least some chance of it working, and obviously the higher the better, and for my first choice plan this means leaving as much time as possible before anyone will find me. My second choice plan isn't time limited, but is very much a last resort plan as far as I am concerned. I knew that the man from the DWP could arrive any time after 9:30am, which meant that potentially I didn't have that long, or at least not in comparison to the length of time I would sometimes have, and I was yet to write the note I wanted to leave, which would have taken some time, and so ultimately I decided I couldn't do anything. I decided I would prefer to wait one or two more days and have a higher chance of it being successful. I was still very upset about it all though, and once I had woken up I couldn't get back to sleep for at least four hours. I came online and talked to Danni on Facebook chat for a long time, who was very supportive. I found I was getting increasingly worked up about everything, and so in the end decided to call out of hours, and ended up speaking to the same woman I had spoken to the previous night. She seemed different last night - I suspect she had looked at my notes and seen the BPD diagnosis, as she was certainly less supportive than she had been the night before, and started going on about doing a part time college course and moving out and various other things that feel beyond me when I am doing better, let alone at the moment, whereas the previous night she had been surprised by the lack of support and was telling me I needed to fight to get suitable help. Of course I can't prove anything, but her attitude was definitely different last night. It didn't really help talking to her, as the things she was talking about were just so far out of my realm of possibilities that it was more frustrating than anything else. After I spoke to her I came back online for a little while, but was feeling really quite upset, and decided I would go and invade my mum's bed and sleep in there, which I sometimes do when I feel shit.
Today my mum woke me up at around midday, as the DWP man arrived. It was pretty ridiculous really - he had been sent around because the Inland Revenue had a query about the amount of interest my savings account had made in 06/07. They thought it seemed too high. I said that since I have always had to send off bank statements to the DWP, they have always known how much money I have, and so I don't see how there can be a query about the interest, when they had a statement to go with it. He said it clearly hadn't been entered on the system properly or he wouldn't have been sent around. It seems ridiculous that they will send someone around about something from five years ago, that would have been unnecessary if people had done their jobs properly. He then had to go through all of his form and ask if I had had any changes in circumstances, if I was still unable to work, etc etc. I have got to dig out all of my bank statements since November '09 and send them to him - that will be a mission. He was very friendly though, not remotely confrontational or pushy, and if I hadn't been feeling so awful and exhausted it wouldn't have been remotely stressful.
This afternoon my mum dragged me (pretty much literally) out on a walk with the dog with her. I didn't want to go - I felt ridiculously tired, my head was feeling like it was going to explode, and my legs felt like lead. I can't say it was remotely enjoyable, in fact I loathed it, but at least they can't say I am not trying. She has also been making sure I have some food, although I have absolutely no appetite. I am not eating three meals a day, or anything even approaching it, but I am having something every day. The suicidal thoughts have been very intense again today. I got very upset earlier and just kept telling my mum I wanted to die. Today I felt like I reached a point where I no longer wanted help, I didn't care that L wasn't doing anything, or that I couldn't see the crisis team, or anything else. I just don't care anymore. I am too drained and too exhausted, and too sick of fighting. I have given up on trying to get help, as it clearly doesn't work, and I feel fine about that. I just don't want to be here.
Today I have felt very undecided about whether I was going to act on the thoughts tonight or not. It is actually another blogger who has made me decide not to do anything tonight. I desperately want to, but another day can't hurt right?? A couple of days ago the lovely Karita offered to come and visit me tomorrow. At the time I was planning to kill myself last night, but since I am still here today, I have decided that I can get through one more night. It amazes me how kind and caring people can be - I am so grateful to all of you out there who have been so supportive of me. It means so much. Lovely Frankie phoned earlier and we had a nice chat. I feel very lucky to have such caring people around me, albeit online rather than in person (except for tomorrow of course). I also have my GP appointment tomorrow, which again, I wasn't planning to be here for, but the combination of that and Karita visiting are making me think I must get through tonight. I know there is nothing my GP can do, and as I said, I am past the point where I want help to be honest, but she was very caring and supportive when I spoke to her yesterday, and she said repeatedly that she really wanted me to go and see her tomorrow, so I will. There really is nothing she can do - L has effectively blocked both the crisis team and hospital, and I don't even think that seeing the crisis team would be enough anymore anyway, and I don't want to be in hospital. I think this is the worst depression I have ever been in. It isn't lifting at all, and there is usually at least some part of me that wants help, but trying so hard to get it and getting nowhere has just taken the last of my fight out of me, and I have nothing left. I have been trying to do what I am told - I went to bed early last night, and it was a disaster, I went for a walk and hated it, and it exhausted me to the point that I had to go back to bed and just lie down in the dark when I got back - I didn't even have the energy to have my laptop on. At least nobody will be able to say I haven't tried everything. But I will get through tonight, and tomorrow I will spend some time with Karita, who is lovely (and I am sure spending time with friends must be another approved thing to do - they always seem to ask if I have friends I can see), and I will see my GP, and hopefully that will be the end of my involvement with any professionals. I did feel like it was unfair of me to let Karita come all this way to see me when I am such a mess and will probably be really shit company, but she has assured me that she doesn't mind. I don't care what anyone says - the internet is really really great. (Any musical theatre fans can carry on with the lyrics from there!)
I am absolutely exhausted, to the point where I don't think I can keep my eyes open any more. I got very little sleep last night, and it has been a really draining day. I feel gutted. I was really determined to kill myself tonight, but my parents will still be up for another hour/hour and a half, and I don't think I can say awake that long. I feel immensely frustrated. My GP rung me earlier, after afternoon surgery. Actually she rung the landline and spoke to my mum first, but I don't know what she said to her. Then she spoke to me and said that things were really tough at the moment weren't they, and I said yes. She said how it seemed a particularly bad period, and I said it is. I talked to her for quite a while. I got quite upset several times. She said she wanted me to go and see her Friday - I said I couldn't cope and I intended to be dead by then. She said that she had spoken to L, and L had very clearly told her not to refer me to the crisis team under any circumstances. She kept saying she really wanted to see me on Friday and we could talk about things then. I said there was no point, as there was nothing she could do, and I wanted to die today, but she said she was putting it in her diary anyway and would expect to see me. She said I sounded too exhausted to act on my thoughts. I said I was absolutely shattered but that I would find the energy. And yet now I don't seem to be able to, and it is upsetting me. I can't remember what else my GP said. She was very supportive, but it was also very clear she had been told by L not to suggest admission or crisis team input, as she responded different to how she usually would, and did make a point a couple of times of saying she had spoken to L. I said how pissed off and upset I was that I felt like I was being treated like a typical Borderline, and given no support or help, when this was quite clearly a depressive episode, and that if I didn't have a BPD diagnosis there was no way on earth that I would just be left to get on with things like this with no support, and people knowing I was planning to kill myself. She didn't disagree.
My mum then wanted to talk to me. I explained to her the same BPD/Depression frustrations, and how I don't understand why when I meet every criteria without exception for one illness, and just about manage to get the 5 criteria needed for diagnosis for the other, that is seen as my primary diagnosis and I am treated based on that. She asked to see the diagnostic criteria and printed it off and said she would call L tomorrow. I also told her how much L had changed - that she used to be really supportive and caring and how she is just totally unhelpful and I think she hates me, and I think she has been taken over or replaced or something, because it is genuinely like she is a different person - based on the way she speaks to me now compared with six months ago I wouldn't recognise her as the same person. I am worried about my mum talked to L. L can clearly force her way of thinking onto others, in the way that she has with my GP (although I believe it was somehow forced onto L in the first place, but I am not sure how) and so she will make my mum think she is right about everything. All of this was probably about a ten minute conversation and then she seemed to get bored of the wanting to talk thing and went off downstairs, and then later when I said I thought she wanted to talk, she first of all said that I wouldn't ever talk to her, then remembered I had and said that we had already talked and that she wanted to go downstairs and drink her wine. I can't trust anyone. Nobody is reliable. I was prepared to tell my mum everything, including my suicidal intent, but she was more interested in going and having a glass of wine. My GP has been restricted so she is as good as useless, as she can't even refer me to someone, and it doesn't matter how sympathetic she is, if she can't do anything it doesn't help. And L has changed beyond recognition.
I can't keep my eyes open. I suppose I am going to have to sleep. Maybe I will be able to wake up in the night. I don't know. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to get through tonight. I want to die. But it appears that my GP was right and I am too bloody exhausted to even do that. I feel thoroughly useless.
I called the out of hours number again last night. I felt awkward doing so - I didn't know what to say, and it felt wrong as I wasn't intending to kill myself then, as today was the funeral of my mum's boss who died last week, and she was obviously going to that, and I was supposed to be as well, and something about his funeral today made me feel like it would be disrespectful and unfair to try and kill myself the night before. But I got to a point where I was feeling really tense and desperate, and although I didn't plan to kill myself then, I really needed to talk to someone, so I rung them. I spoke to a different woman to the other night, but again, she was very nice. She asked what was going on, and so I told her I had been struggling a lot and that things had been bad for several weeks, but were getting even worse. She asked when I had last been seen by the CMHT, and I said that day, and she asked if plans had been put in place to support me and I said no. I said how suicidal I was feeling, and she asked if I had a plan, and I said yes, and explained about not being able to act on it that night. She asked if I had told L I had a plan and I said she hadn't asked - that she knew I was feeling suicidal but that she says it is pointless talking about suicide and there is no mileage in it. The out of hours woman sounded a bit baffled by the whole thing to be honest. She asked if I had been honest and actually told her how bad I was feeling, and not just said I was a bit low or something, and I told her I had definitely been honest, and there was nothing I had told her that I haven't told other professionals over the last few weeks. She said they couldn't just leave me like this and that I clearly needed help, and it was urgent, and that I had to try again today. She said to speak to my GP and ask for a crisis team referral at the very least, and also to make sure L knows just how bad I feel. She was very supportive, but seemed kind of bemused by the fact that I was getting no support other than fortnightly appointments.
Following that I sent L an email, saying I had spoken to out of hours, and saying I had been advised to contact GP and ask for a crisis team referral etc, and went on to tell her how strong the thoughts were etc, and the reasons why I hadn't acted on them last night, and basically everything I had spoken to the out of hours woman about. I got a reply saying it wasn't appropriate to email those thoughts and she would prefer if I rung next time. She also said that the crisis team wouldn't get involved as I have a care coordinator, which I know is not true - they might not get involved because she tells them not to, but the fact that I have a care coordinator is completely irrelevant. I replied saying that I thought perhaps the crisis team could help, and certainly if I was to try and do the things she was suggesting then it could help, and that I thought they were there for when you are in crisis regardless of whether or not you had a care coordinator. I got a reply this afternoon saying that if I needed support to do things we could discuss a support worker next time I saw her (I had said months ago that I wished I still had a support worker but she didn't mention anything about it being a possibility then) and that the crisis team do sometimes get involved when you have a care coordinator but only in certain situations. I replied that I couldn't cope, that I couldn't even put into words how desperate I was feeling, and that I know things could improve or that things might help in the future, but that right now I just can't cope, that this is as bad as I have ever felt, if not worse, and that I have kept going for as long as I can, but I didn't get a reply to that.
I tried calling my GP this morning. She was in morning surgery, which I knew she would be, but they said they would get her to phone me when she was finished. They did the usual of asking if I could say what it was about, and I said that I was suicidal and had been told to phone her - I don't usually tell them things like that but I am just totally desperate. Morning surgery finishes at 12:30pm, although she often runs over, but I still hadn't heard anything by 2pm so I rung back and asked if they had any idea what time she might be able to ring me, and they checked that the note to call me was on the system, which it was, and said she was out at the moment but shouldn't be long and they would ask her again when she got back. Afternoon surgery starts at 4pm, and I still hadn't heard anything, and it is now 5:15. I suppose there is still a small chance my GP will call me back after afternoon surgery, but I am not holding my breath, and I don't think there is much she can do anyway. I was just calling her because the out of hours woman made me promise to.
I don't know what I am supposed to do. I have done absolutely everything I have been told to do. I have been completely honest about how bad things are. I have asked for help. I have done what the woman from the out of hours number said and tried to contact my GP, and I have made sure L knows how bad things are. But I cannot get any support at all, and I can't cope. I have tried so, so hard, and it is just hopeless. It is so clear that they either don't give a shit whether I kill myself or not, or they don't believe me. But either way there is nothing more that I can do. I have spent the last three weeks desperately trying to keep going, and get some support, but I can't get anything more than a fortnightly appointment, and my mood has just been getting lower and lower, and I just can't cope. I really wish I knew what they expected me to do. I am completely exhausted, and feel utterly hopeless.
And yes, I am sure this is all self pitying drivel and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. But the fact is I have been trying incredibly hard to get the support I need to keep going, and it just isn't there for me. And I can't do this alone.
I am not sure what to say or where to start. Actually, I think I will begin by addressing the comments regarding the previous post. I was going to reply in the comments, but it would have ended up ridiculously long. Firstly, I did not intend to cause the kind of tension that I have done. As usual, I was just writing what I was thinking, because that is what I do. I should point out that the original comments I quoted in my post were not made anonymously - I just didn't name any names as I didn't wish to cause that person to receive messages from people defending me. Thank you for all of the comments, regardless of what you said. I have never tried to censor the comments I receive on my blog, or deleted comments I dislike, because I believe everyone is entitled to express their opinion. For those of you who said you don't find me self pitying, thank you. I don't mean to be. And actually I don't consider that I am particularly. Yes, I feel shit, and I will write about that, but I don't think of it in a 'poor me, I feel worse than anyone else' way in the least. I feel shit, that is a fact, and I will write about the feelings I have, because I have been told it is good for me to express how I am feeling in writing, but I don't actually feel sorry for myself - I am actually more likely to assume that things are my fault, for example that if I am not receiving as much support as I feel I need, that it is my fault for not asking properly or something. I do try and take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings when I can. But I can also see that talking about how I feel all the time can come across as self indulgent etc. But surely that is what blogs are for? This is a place for me to express how I feel and what I am thinking, and by nature that is self indulgent, but that is why this blog exists. But I do appreciate all of those of you who showed concern and cared enough to post. Lexie, thank you for your comments. I just wanted to say regarding the second, although I have a BPD diagnosis in that I meet the criteria, I have been told by multiple professionals that I am not a 'typical' Borderline - I am not attention seeking - if I wanted attention I know exactly how I could get it, and I do not do those things. This is very much a depressive episode, and L agrees with that, and I believe that overall the depression is the primary problem rather than the BPD. I am not saying anything for attention. I don't feel like I get ignored when things are going well, and in terms of treatment from professionals, I actually get less support when I am feeling like this than when I am able to work more productively towards recovery, so feeling like this is certainly not a way of trying to get attention, and is not a trait of BPD that any professional has ever claimed I display. I am not sure if there are one or two anonymous posters, so I will reply to the actual comments. First anonymous comment, I want to address a couple of points you made. You said 'This you can’t go out for a walk or eat is crap. You are fucking depressed not dying of a serious illness. You have a pair of legs, arms and the ability to get up and go for a walk.' At no point did I say I was physically unable to eat or walk. But actually, you can be stopped from doing things as a result of mental health problems just as you can be stopped from doing things as a result of physical health problems. As I explained, I have problems with anxiety, which makes going for walks very difficult. And I have an eating disorder, which makes eating regularly very difficult. You said you have been reading for a long time, but I am slightly confused by that, as several things you said would imply you know very little about me. My parents do not, to my knowledge, know about this blog. The disclaimer at the top is there in case they happen to find it. If you read back a couple of weeks you will see I talked to them about how bad I am feeling, so they are aware of that though. If you think what I write is garbage and attention seeking though, please just don't read. And please, please don't be rude to other commenters on my blog. My Black Fog is a lovely, caring person, and I thought your comments to her were rude and upsetting - she is struggling enough with her own problems, and I appreciate that she even takes the time to comment on my blog, but calling her a 'jumped up little turd' was rude and uncalled for. To both the first and second anonymous comments, hospital is not an option, because my care coordinator does not believe it is helpful. That is not my decision. I do not have the option of having myself admitted to hospital because I am feeling suicidal, as it doesn't work like that. I have told literally everyone - my GP, the crisis team when they would see me, and L how I feel. It makes no difference. For some reason I am unable to get any help. I am not writing here in the hope that someone who knows me will contact anyone on my behalf, as I have already told all the professionals involved in my care exactly how I feel, and it has made no difference. Friends have in fact offered to do so, but if the professionals aren't taking any notice of me, I very much doubt they will take any notice of my friends either. I have tried so, so hard over the last few weeks to get help, and it hasn't happened, and that has left me feeling utterly alone and hopeless. Some see that as being self pitying evidently, but I have been fighting as hard as I can, to get through the thoughts, and to speak to someone who may be able to help me, but it hasn't made any difference. But if you read my posts over the last few weeks you will see that I have tried desperately hard to get help, despite not always feeling like I want it.
If you find my writing self pitying, irritating, garbage, etc etc, I am now going to go on and write more of what you will probably consider drivel, so I would probably suggest you stop reading now.
My appointment this afternoon felt really quite hideous. I don't know what to say about it. It was much as I expected it to be really. L started by asking how I was, although obviously she knew from speaking to her yesterday that things are not good. She asked me to rate my mood from 1 - 10, which was interesting, as although many people have asked me to do that before, she never has. She said based on how I was feeling right then, if 1 was feeling normal, ok, etc, and 10 was the worst I have ever felt, how was I feeling. I said a 9 or a 10, and she said to pick one, and so I said 9, as although I was feeling hideous, there have been points in the last few days and weeks when I have felt even more desperate, so they would be the 10s. But overall I would rate this whole episode as a 10 - it is equally as bad as I have ever felt, possibly more so. She asked what I wanted, and I said not to feel like this. She agreed with that, and asked how I thought that could happen. I knew it would frustrate her so I was hesitant about answering, but I said that it felt like the only way I could stop feeling like this was by killing myself. She said that she didn't want to talk about suicidal thoughts as there was no mileage in it and it wouldn't help or get me anywhere. She said their job is not about preventing suicide, and that it is very rare they will actually take any steps to try and stop someone killing themselves, and that there was no point in talking about it. I said that I knew that, but she had asked me, and so I was just telling her my honest response. She said she is finding it difficult because she feels like I want to die more than I want to get better at the moment, which I explained is certainly true some of the time, but at other times I really want to get better but just don't feel able to. She talked again about what she had said on the phone yesterday - that I needed to get some routine in my life, and work on getting my sleep pattern sorted, and eating regularly, and finding things to occupy me and that I could look forward to. I said that I agreed I needed more structure, and that if I was in a slightly better place than I am now then I definitely think that would be the way forward, but at the moment I was finding such small things, like getting up to go to the toilet, and getting dressed, enormous mountains, that just took all my energy. I also explained that I was finding it impossible to distract myself at the moment - that I had tried everything I could think of, but nothing helped, but she said she didn't believe nothing helped. She asked if I was saying I couldn't do it, and I said that at the moment I didn't see how I could, when such small things were so exhausting, but that I could see that was what was needed. I can't remember exactly what was said - she talked a lot, but essentially what she was saying was that I needed to make a decision between doing what she was saying, and being discharged, and if I couldn't do what she was saying then she would discharge me. She sat talking about planning activities and I just had sheer panic going through my head, and I honestly don't feel able to do what I am being asked to do at the moment without any support, but I couldn't say that because it would result in me being kicked out of mental health services, which she reminded me would also mean I would no longer be on the waiting list to see the psychologist, which she thought would be a 'shame' as that could help. I found during my appointment that the suicidal thoughts were getting stronger and stronger, as I am feeling so awful, and feel desperately like I need help, but am being told that the only way I can continue to receive help (fortnightly sessions) is by doing things that I just can't do whilst I am feeling this bad. I couldn't be feeling more desperate or hopeless - I have tried so hard to get help, but it is not forthcoming, and I can't do this on my own at the moment. L spent about 45 minutes with me, rather than the hour to hour and a half that she normally spends with me, made an appointment to see me in a fortnight, and said she expected me to have made a decision and thought about what I could do by then. After feeling very numb and blank all session, I burst into tears at the end, and she opened the door and said goodbye. I went and sat in the most private place in the waiting room, where nobody would see me, and just cried for a while, as I couldn't face leaving the building so upset, and I was just feeling so desperate. I have tried so hard to get help, as I really feel like that is the only way I can get through this, but it hasn't worked. I genuinely do understand what she is saying I need to do, but I do not understand how she is expecting me to do it, feeling like this, with no help or support. If she had said I needed to do that, helped me come up with exactly what I needed to do, and arranged some type of support to help me do it, for example seeing the crisis team for a little while to help get things on track, then that would have been an entirely different matter. But just to be told I have to structure my days, on my own, with no help, and with no support for another two weeks, when I am feeling so exhausted and depressed that just getting out of bed is an immense struggle just feels impossible. To be honest I wish that I had listened to my instincts yesterday and not gone to the appointment today. I didn't think it could make me feel worse or more desperate, but it has.
So I have my appointment with L later. I am not feeling remotely positive about it. I can't see an outcome that could improve things or make me feel any more positive about anything. I feel like it is going to be a difficult appointment for both of us - she is going to be frustrated by me because I don't feel able to do simple things like get dressed and go out for walks daily, and eat regular meals, and improve my sleep, and I am going to feel useless because I can't do any of those things, and frustrated with myself for being so pathetic, and with her for not being able to do more, which I know is unfair, but I just feel so horrible. I seriously considered not going to the appointment. Not just not turning up, because I don't do that, but cancelling - I am not sure whether for her sake or mine, or both. I did actually send her an email in the afternoon to that effect, saying that I was concerned it would be frustrating as she would want me to do things that I don't feel able to do, and I didn't want to make things tense, or to frustrate her, or make me feel worse. She replied that she thought we should talk about the options, and so would be happier if I kept the appointment, so I will go. I am worried, and I think not without reason, that she is going to stop seeing me. She talked last time about how if I am feeling this bad she obviously isn't helping, and maybe she is either taking a wrong approach, or she is the wrong person to be working with me at the moment. I have a strong suspicion that she may suggest we either take a break from sessions, or that she will pass me to another member of the team. I know I must be immensely frustrating at the moment, and based on the last time I saw her I just wouldn't be surprised if something like that happens. I will just have to see what happens I suppose, but I really won't be shocked if something along those lines does come up, particularly given what she said about talking about the options, as I am unsure as to what else she could mean by that. I feel like I am letting her down at the moment by not being able to do the things she wants me to.
It has been yet another difficult night. It begun by me getting a bit upset by some comments I received regarding this blog. I was told amongst other things "Sorry Bip but your self-pity and self indulgence is starting to grate. And, 'Madospherites', i do know what I'm talking about (more than most of you cyan imagine) don't come back at me with self-indulgent drivel." I was quite hurt to be honest. I suppose it touched too close to home to what I worry people will think of me, and what I think the professionals might be thinking of me. The thing with this blog is that although I do really appreciate all of the comments and support I receive through it, I write it for me. I write it because I am encouraged to write about my feelings and thoughts, as it helps me, and I like using blogging to do that because it allows me to connect with others. I don't write in order to garner sympathy or pity. I write whatever I am thinking at the time. But to be honest this has made me consider taking a blogging hiatus, at least whilst this particularly bad episode persists. Although I would continue to write, as I need to do that for me, I may not publish anything for a while, although I will see how I feel. I never wanted my blog to turn into one long moan, and essentially it has, and I don't want people to think of me as a continuously negative person who just whines non stop. I do not want people to reassure me regarding this because they don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me how dull and whiny I am, I honestly don't. So I am considering a blogging break. I will post later to say what happens with L, but I will see how I feel after that. If I continue to write, and you do think I am whiny and need to get over myself, please just stop reading. I don't want anyone to read out of a sense of obligation. If you are a friend and feel like you should read so you know what is going on in my life, but find my writing grates, then just stop - I honestly don't mind. This is primarily for me, and whilst I have met some fantastic people through this blog, who I now consider friends, I don't want anyone to read if they don't want to.
I really am fully aware that I am difficult and frustrating at the moment, probably to professionals and friends alike. I appear to be in an incredibly deep depression, that is certainly amongst the worst I have ever experienced, if not the worst, and despite time passing, it isn't easing at all. If anything, I seem to be feeling increasingly hopeless. I suppose it could be seen as fortunate that things have been as bad as they have. I have had so little energy and felt so terrible that the vast majority of my time seems to be spent either asleep (although I am not getting much sleep), just lying in bed feeling paralysed and so completely unable to do anything, or just somehow disappearing without me even really realising it - I suppose through dissociation. It literally sometimes takes me an hour or two to manage to get myself out of bed when I need the toilet (although I was also told "No-one is literally unable to get out of bed unless they are physically disabled"). I have no appetite most of the time, although I am forcing myself to eat anyway, although not regularly. To be honest, I feel almost certain that if I had slightly more energy I would have attempted to kill myself by now, but despite the thoughts constantly churning around in my head, I just feel too exhausted to act on them. It always strikes me as somewhat ironic that you can be too depressed to kill yourself. Plus I have genuinely been trying to get by for the sake of those who care about me, despite not wanting to, and so I have been putting whatever energy I have been able to find into asking for help when I feel like I need it, although it has proven to be fairly futile on the whole, writing here to try and clear my head, and trying not to cut myself off from people completely, which is certainly tempting when I feel like this. I have been making a lot of effort, although it evidently doesn't appear that way to some people, but I know how I feel, I know the thoughts I am having to contend with on a daily basis, and I know how desperate I am, and how strongly I feel I don't want to be here, and although that may mean I am coming across as self pitying and self indulgent, (and perhaps I am these things) I am doing absolutely everything I feel able to do at the moment. I am still alive, and although I think that is largely due to the extent of my depression, I suppose I have to view it as an achievement, despite it not feeling like one.
So where from here? I don't know right now. I suppose I go to my appointment this afternoon with L, and try to be honest about my feelings, despite knowing it isn't what she wants to hear. And then, who knows? I will blog following my appointment, which to be perfectly honest I am already dreading, and after that I will make a decision about whether I want to continue to blog at the moment or not. And life generally I guess. Que sera, sera.
I am feeling really shit. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't keep going on like this. I spoke to L but it didn't make me feel any better. I know that the things she is saying make sense but I can't do it. She talked about going out for walks every day and things like that. Even when I am doing better I hate walks - they really scare me as I always think I am being followed and end up having a panic attack. At the moment leaving the house for anything at all feels overwhelming, so going for a walk feels totally out of the question. She also said about eating regular meals and sorting out my sleep pattern and making sure I get up and dressed every day. I know all of this stuff makes sense. But I can't do it. Every single ounce of energy I have is going on staying alive. Getting dressed feels like the most monumental task that I can only do when I absolutely have to, ie if I am going somewhere. It leaves me feeling drained. Sorting out my sleep is so much easier said than done, and I don't actually feel will achieve anything anyway. But even days when I have to wake up in the morning for some reason, I still can't sleep until really late. My sleep quality is atrocious, and I am rarely getting more than 5 or 6 hours a night. I am constantly exhausted. I have no appetite, and although I do force myself to eat something every day, it is really hard to try and get my head around the concept of regular meals, as my eating disorder is loving the fact that I'm not hungry, and every time I have a day where I make myself eat more, I gain weight and feel even worse about myself. I know all the things she is saying I need to do are right and sensible, but I can't do it. And that probably sounds stubborn and like I am deliberately being awkward and not trying to get better, but it really isn't that. It is just too much.
My mum is out at the moment and I have spent the time googling how to tie a noose and trying to make one with a dressing gown belt. Not to kill myself right now, although that is incredibly tempting, but so that I know I can do it and it will work when I need to. I am feeling totally overwhelmed. I am due to see L tomorrow, but I actually don't want to. I keep thinking about last time I saw her. I know I must have been incredibly frustrating because I said I wanted to die more than I wanted to get better. And it all felt tense and I felt like I was wasting her time because I just wanted to die, and I left feeling even more desperate than I had when I went in. I am feeling even worse now if anything, and I think I will just end up really frustrating her, which will make me feel like shit. It feels like there are no answers to where I am right now. I don't have the energy or the motivation to do the things that will apparently help me and I can see that I will get nowhere if I don't do those things, but that doesn't help. I still can't do it. If I see her when I feel like this I am just going to be wasting her time, and feeling more and more hopeless myself. I just want to die.
I am feeling really emotional tonight. The suicidal thoughts are very strong and everything is just feeling really overwhelming. I am frustrated and upset that I have been feeling so low and desperate for so long now - I thought that if I did keep going things would have started to lift by now, but every day seems to be as hard, or harder than the one before, and it isn't getting any easier at all.
I just phoned the out of hours number that goes through to the local psych ward. I find that incredibly hard to do, so I have to be really quite desperate to phone them, and therefore it happens very rarely. But it was 3am and I was desperate and lonely and I didn't know what else to do, so I called them. The woman I spoke to was actually really lovely. She was really sweet and caring and although she obviously couldn't suggest anything earth shattering, because there isn't anything, she was very supportive and understanding and she talked to me for about half an hour. She told me multiple times that I must call L in the morning and tell her how bad I am feeling and about the suicidal thoughts, and that I had to ring the ward tonight because things felt so hard. L already knows how I am feeling of course, and I did tell her that, but she was very insistent that I call her, and made me promise that I would, so I guess I will do that. She also said she would be contacting the crisis team to let them know I had phoned. I told her they probably wouldn't want to know, and she said it was likely they would leave it to L, but that was the only thing that she could do. She kept telling me to just get through tonight and speak to L tomorrow, and if I was feeling really unsafe tonight then to wake my mum up etc. She was very sweet and kept telling me I mustn't give up and to keep hopeful, and that there was something out there that would help, because there is for everything apparently. She said she thought I needed a medication review (I wonder how many more people will say that before it actually happens?) and that seeing the psychologist might really help. I told her how hopeless I felt, and how I just get through one bad patch to go into another one a few months later, and how this time it just seemed to be getting worse and worse and harder and harder and how I had been trying so hard and being honest about how I felt but that it just felt so hopeless, and how things like medication and seeing the psychologist felt like such a long term thing compared to where I am now and how I am feeling, and that I wished I had killed myself weeks ago when the thoughts first started getting strong. She said again how I really needed to talk to L and tell her all of this. I tried to explain that she does know, but she said she needs to know that the suicidal thoughts were bad enough tonight that I had to call the ward etc. I will speak to L, because I promised I would, but I know there is nothing she can do. Nobody can take these thoughts or feelings away and I am just so exhausted.
But I am glad I rung. She was just so sweet. It made me cry, just because she was being so kind and supportive, and when I am really struggling, as soon as someone is nice to me I just fall to pieces. So I did get a bit upset and sniffled my way through half the conversation. She seemed genuinely concerned, and I hadn't even told her a quarter of what I have told L or the crisis team or my GP over the last few weeks. But just being listened to and feeling like I was being taken seriously just made me feel so emotional. She said she was sure there were a lot of people who cared about me and what happened to me, and that she didn't even know me, but that she cared about me. It just made a really nice change to speak to a professional who didn't seem to be against me, and who cared about what happened to me etc. It hasn't changed how I feel, because I don't think anyone can do that at the moment, but just speaking to someone who took the time to talk to me and listen and made me feel like I was worthy of their time etc meant a lot. And it is reassuring that there are mental health professionals out there who do care.
I meant to blog earlier, but I didn't know what to say. I feel like I have said it all. Multiple times in fact. I think everyone has grasped that I feel like shit and want to die. For anyone new, or who hasn't picked up on the situation, that is it. I mostly write as a way of trying to get all of the thoughts out of my head, but they don't appear to be going anywhere even when I do write, so it seems quite pointless from that point of view, and I am just really lacking motivation. There are a couple of specific things I wanted to write about though, so I will try and write about those, rather than just generally rambling.
I got a letter yesterday, which stressed me out. From the DWP, wouldn't you know? It says, and I quote (anything in red is an addition by me),
'Dear Bippidee (of course addressed to my real name, or it would just be weird)
We need to see you in order to discuss the benefits we are currently paying you because a query has arisen on your claim. What the fuck?! We need to ensure your payments are correct and it is important that you are available so we can discuss the matter further. What matter? I see no matter to discuss. Please fuck off and leave me alone.
You should note that where there is doubt about whether the conditions for entitlement are met, we can suspend payment of your benefit. Thanks. Please fuck off, again.
A Customer Compliance Officer, Mr Nosy Fuckwit (not real name) will be calling on Thursday, 24 February 2011 between the times of 9:30AM and 3:30PM. Please note we will not be able to state a specific time. Helpful. Thanks for that.
Some irrelevant crap like stuff they want to see, none of which I know where to find etc etc.
This fairly naturally sent me into a complete tailspin. Firstly, what on earth is there to query about my benefits?! The only thing I am claiming is old Incapacity, although due to lack of NI contributions it has always been paid as Income Support with illness/disability premium. I live at home with my parents, which they know, I have some savings that are within permitted amounts, which they know, I don't work, I am not going out partying every day and claiming under false pretences. I don't claim Housing/Council Tax benefit as I live with my parents. I am not even claiming DLA, which I have been told by multiple people I am eligible for. So what is there to discuss? What can possibly have been queried? I asked on Twitter yesterday, and also did some Google research, and it seems like they are essentially the overspill of the fraud department, and are generally sent around when someone has said you are making a fraudulent claim, or if they suspect you are living with a partner and have claimed you are living alone etc etc. A few people have said they occasionally make random checks, but I would seem a bad person to make a random check on, given that my claim is so straightforward to most people's - I claim one benefit. I am not at all happy about them sending a man around to my house. I don't want some strange man in my house making accusations that I am a benefit fraud. I don't want some strange man in my house full stop. And them not being able to give a time is completely shit. I wasn't planning to go anywhere, but it is very rare at the moment that I get to sleep before 6am. I will have to be awake by 9:15am in case they do come in the morning. And then what if they don't come until 3pm. I am meant to stay awake all day having probably had 2 or 3 hours sleep, waiting for them? That won't happen. And what if I wanted to arrange for someone to be here with me for support - are they supposed to stay for six hours?? It seems totally unreasonable. I tried phoning the number on the letter that it says to contact immediately if you are unavailable etc to a) find out what the hell it is about, and b) try to pin them down to a more precise time, for example morning or afternoon, but I got no reply. And it didn't even go to answerphone. This stress was absolutely the last thing that I needed right now with how I was feeling. It actually made me even more determined to kill myself before then so I didn't have to deal with it. I don't know where my driving licence or passport are, I have no utility bills, I have no rent agreement - all of which they want to see. I have a bank statement. But I have two bank accounts and only have a statement for one of them. They will hate me. I just really didn't need this stress. I know I have done nothing wrong and so I have nothing to be worried about, but my experience with the DWP has shown me that you have to be worried even if you haven't done anything wrong, as they will treat you like a criminal regardless. Fuckwits.
Right, onto a nicer subject. Today the most beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived for me. It was from La Reve and I can't say how much it meant to me that she had done that for me. It was completely unexpected, and nearly made me cry. I can't believe that someone whom I have never met, and have only known a relatively short time, would want to do something so sweet and generous for me. The madosphere is a wonderful reminder of how many fabulous people there are out there, who really do care for others, and will do things to try and help. She knew she couldn't stop me feeling like this, but she showed me she cared, and that meant so much. And does every time I get a supportive comment or email or tweet. It reminds me that people care, which is a really big deal when you don't feel you are getting any care from the professionals, whose job it is to care. There will always be people who say it is a bad idea to talk to people you have met on the Internet, that you don't know who they are, that you should never meet anyone you meet online, that talking to other people with mental health problems is a bad idea etc etc, but I have never found any of this to be remotely true. I started meeting up with people I met online, on theatre and dance messageboards, when I was 16, and have since met others from all sorts of sites, and whilst I haven't kept in touch with everyone I have met from the Internet, I have met some of my closest friends online, and I can quite honestly say that I think it would be very unlikely that I would still be alive if it weren't for people I have met online - both those in person, and those who have supported me on here. The support is absolutely invaluable, and I wish more people would realise how wonderfully supportive the Internet can be. Here is a picture of my beautiful flowers;
Tonight has been really really horrible again. I feel so awful and I just can't keep going like this and I am just so desperate. I really can't do this. I have been trying so hard but it just feels harder and harder and I honestly have no idea at all what I can do. I just don't see carrying on like this as an option. It feels too hideous. And I know there is nothing anyone can do because they can't stop me feeling like this but I just feel so horrible and desperate and I just don't know what to do. I know people will say I can get through this, but I can't. I just can't do it. I don't want to keep going because I can't cope with these feelings, they are just too overwhelming. And it's just not getting any easier at all. I either need help or I need to die, and to be quite honest right now I don't care which, but it has to be something, I just can't cope like this. It feels too awful and I feel too desperate. It's just impossible. I know I have said all of this sort of thing before and somehow coped, but this time I just can't. This is the worst I have ever felt, and the last couple of weeks have just been hell, and I can't keep going like this anymore, and it's getting worse not better. I don't know what to say. I don't think there is any way that I can express how horrible I feel and just how strong and overwhelming the thoughts are. I am just completely desperate. I keep wanting to beg, but I don't know what for, because I just want all of this to stop and I know nobody can take the feelings away and I don't think anyone is going to condone suicide. I feel like I am being tortured and I just can't cope anymore. I really can't. I can't go through another night like tonight. I wish I had killed myself a couple of weeks ago when things first started getting so bad. Or better still I wish one of my previous attempts had worked. I wish that when the first attempt didn't work I had just kept trying until one had. People sometimes talk about being glad afterwards that suicide attempts didn't work, or that they got through awful periods. I have never felt that. Ever. There has never been a point since I first tried to kill myself five and a half years ago when I felt glad that it hadn't worked and I was still alive. I should have killed myself tonight and I didn't and now it is too late. I should have killed myself weeks ago. This is just unbearable. L was supportive when I spoke to her earlier, but she can't stop me feeling like this. There is nothing that she, or anyone else, can say that is going to change how I feel. And I can't cope with it.
I'm sorry. I just needed to vent. Please know that I am not about to hurt myself in any way - there is no imminent risk. I just needed to try and get out how awful I am feeling, but I have realised there is no way of explaining it. I wish I had some hope left but I don't. There is none, because nobody can help me. Nobody can do anything. I have no options. This is it. And this isn't an option. I just haven't got any fight left. I have no motivation to keep going, particularly as things just keep getting worse rather than better. I'm sorry. I will stop now and try and write something more coherent later.
I have grown increasingly frustrated regarding diagnosis the last couple of weeks. I feel quite sure that if I didn't have a BPD diagnosis, I would have received more support than I have done. I am totally convinced. What my GP said to my mum about having BPD, not depression, really clinched it for me. She had said nothing like that when she spoke to me on Wednesday and thought the crisis team should be seeing me, so either the crisis team or the CMHT manager must have told her that. And the only reason they would have told her that would be as justification for why I wasn't getting more help. The frustrating thing is, I don't even see it as relevant. I don't actually think diagnosis should ever be relevant - I think symptoms should be treated/given support for, rather than the diagnosis. But I am particularly pissed off because actually I don't even feel like BPD is relevant at the moment even in terms of treating diagnoses. I am not disputing that I meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD. However, if I look at the diagnostic criteria for Depression I literally meet every single criteria at the moment. Therefore surely that is the current problem rather than BPD, and should be treated accordingly. The diagnostic criteria for BPD relating to mood is 'Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).' That is not me. My mood is not reactive, and it has lasted weeks, not hours or days. The only time that applies is when I have episodes when I am particularly irritable or hyper for a few hours. It never applies to my depressed or suicidal periods, and I would not consider my mood unstable - it is consistantly very low, and has been for weeks. It makes me so angry that there is still so much prejudice surrounding BPD, which there absolutely is. I don't self harm or take small overdoses and then turn up at A&E - I have never, ever done that. I don't make threats regarding suicide - I only talk about feeling suicidal if I am feeling genuinely suicidal and unable to keep myself safe. And the times I have attempted suicide have not been impulsive - it has been at times like this when I have been feeling desperate and reach a point where I can no longer cope - they have been planned. But I feel like I am being treated as though I am the 'stereotypical' borderline who takes overdoses for attention and that giving me support would be encouraging attention seeking etc. I know I meet the BPD criteria. But I also meet the criteria for Depression, and more closely in my opinion, and that is what is making me feel like this at the moment. And I honestly feel that if Depression was my only diagnosis, I would be receiving different treatment at the moment. I am sure that would be denied by the crisis team or any other professionals, but I have seen from the experiences of friends the difference in the support given to people with a BPD diagnosis, and the support given to people with mood disorder diagnoses, even if presenting with the same symptoms, and except in a few exceptional cases, those with mood disorders virtually always seem to get given more support in crisis. I know the medications I have tried have seemed to have little effect, but I am sure that if Depression was my only diagnosis then medicaations would continue to be tried until something helped. I would not just be left, when feeling suicidal, and expected to get on with things. The crisis team would have arranged the appointment with the psychiatrist that they talked about, and they would probably have continued to visit, and although they aren't always helpful, when I am feeling like this I do find it helpful to know that I have some form of support, and knowing there will be daily visits etc does make a difference. It doesn't change how I feel, but I know from past experience that it makes it easier to take things one day at a time, which is something I am struggling with at the moment, and various other things. As I said, I am sure it would be denied, but I am convinced that had my diagnosis been different, I would have received different treatment these last few weeks, and that makes me angry.
I spoke to L earlier. I can't remember what we talked about. It was only a few hours ago, but my brain just isn't working. I remember that she was supportive though, and I didn't feel like she didn't care about me. I trust her a bit more than I did. It all feels rather irrelevant though. Nobody can change how I feel, and I still have the same level of help. Or lack of.
I am really determined to get an earlier night tonight. It was 7am again last night/this morning, and I just find that so hideous. I hate being awake still when I hear my parents getting up. If I lived on my own I don't think I would care, but I just hate hearing other people getting up when I haven't been to sleep yet. So I am really hoping for an earlier night tonight.
I got through rehearsal ok. I had to go at 6:30 to work on my songs for an hour with the Musical Director. That was ok. He seemed happy enough, although he is very precise about what he wants, so is quite hard to please. And seems to think that I have lungs of steel and can hold a note for far longer than I actually can. But he seemed pleased. Although it was slightly embarrassing, as I have a tendency to not warm up very thoroughly before rehearsals - on Mondays I literally don't get a chance to as I go straight from ballet, and on Wednesdays I tend to do maybe 5 or 10 minutes, which is totally inadequate. Tonight I had probably warmed up for about 20 minutes, which is still fairly pathetic, but an improvement on usual, and he asked if I had just come from a singing lesson or had been warming up properly as it sounded much better than usual. Note to self: warm up properly - people can tell the difference unfortunately. I have got very lazy vocally - I haven't had a proper singing lesson since the summer, and I don't sing every day, which I really should be doing, and then I expect to be able to go into a rehearsal, without warming up properly, and sing four solos, a duet, and solo lines in a couple of other songs, plus ensemble singing. Doesn't work. It isn't fair on my voice. After that I spent an hour and a quarter getting increasingly fed up and desperate to get home, as I was just sitting around, as they were working on a number I am not in. Then finally they started work on the number we were scheduled to rehearse tonight, which is a big ensemble number, lead by me and three others, which has a big tap break in the middle. The tap is very fast - not difficult steps, but very fast, and with some tricky rhythms, which makes it difficult. Unfortunately I have already forgotten one section, which is indicative of my current inability to concentrate and retain information, as usually I just have to do a dance a couple of times and it is ingrained in my head, but I just can't remember some of it at all. I now have no rehearsals for a week and a half, which is the most enormous relief. It is half term next week, and as the MD is a music teacher, and the Director/Choreographer is a dance teacher, they both have the week off work, and so are going away (they are a couple), which means no rehearsals until Sunday 27th. I also don't have ballet next week for the same reason, so I basically have no commitments at all for the next week and a half, and that just feels so good. Although at the same time, it does make me feel more unsafe. When I have commitments, like rehearsals that I know I can't miss as it would mess things up for the rest of the cast, it makes me feel obliged to keep going however shit I feel, whereas now I am free from that, which makes the suicidal thoughts even stronger. Of course I realise it would be difficult for them after that week and a half if I were dead, but I can't think that far ahead, and all I can think at the moment is that I have no commitments at the moment, my mum's birthday is out of the way, and so there is nothing to stop me acting on my thoughts. To be honest I am feeling quite unsafe.
I tried to phone my GP earlier. I didn't have a clue what I would say to her. Saying 'I don't trust you because you have been taken over by them and now you have taken over my mum, but I need help' seemed somewhat inappropriate, but is the truth. I don't trust her any more - I don't trust anyone. But I am desperate, particularly as I knew I have been feeling increasingly unsafe. So I didn't really know what to do. In the end I did ring, at about 12:30, and the receptionist said they would get her to call me back as she was with a patient. She didn't ring all afternoon, and I know that she has afternoon surgery from 4 - 6, so I knew that if she did call me back it would be after that. I had left my mobile number as usual, but I had to leave for rehearsal at 6, and was rehearsing alone with the MD until nearly 7:30, so couldn't have taken any calls in that time even if she had rung. My GP tends to phone at strange times - I have had a call from her at 8:15pm before, so I kept my phone on vibrate in my pocket, so that I could answer it if she did ring, but I didn't hear anything. When I got home my dad said she had rung at 7:30 - I don't know why she had called the landline rather than my mobile, but obviously it meant I couldn't speak to her. That doesn't really feel like a bad thing - I didn't know what I could say anyway. I just feel like I need help from somewhere, and I would prefer to speak to her than whoever happened to be on duty at the CMHT. L is in work tomorrow, so I have sent an email asking if she could phone me. Again, I feel very unsure about what I can say, as I am still feeling really mistrustful of all professionals, and I know she can't change how I feel or what I am planning to do, but I just really need to talk to someone I know, and whom I have trusted in the past, even if I don't at the moment. It probably won't help or make any difference, but at least I will have tried. I really have absolutely no idea what I can say to her. I don't even know what I am scared of. I just don't trust anyone at the moment. I do wonder whether there is any point trying to get help. I have done that, it didn't work. Maybe I should just learn from that and not try and get help - just get on with it. But when I feel very suicidal and unsafe I just get this frustrating part of me that nags me to talk to someone, even if I know it will make no difference. I suppose knowing it will make no difference is why it feels safe to do so. I know nobody can stop me from acting on my thoughts if that is what I choose to do, or at least L wouldn't anyway, so despite feeling like she has been taken over and is against me, I know she wouldn't make me do something I wasn't happy with, like insisting I go to A&E, or having me assessed or anything like that, and my mum already knows so it isn't like she can threaten to speak to her. That's one of the reasons I couldn't call the CMHT whilst she was away - there was the possibility of fuckwit ex-care coordinator being on duty, and if he knew I was feeling like this then he would insist I went to A&E, or have me assessed under the MHA, and I am not having either of those things happen. But I still trust L not to do that, and I don't believe my trust in that respect is misplaced, because I know hospital is the last thing she wants for me. I feel confused. I don't know what to say to her if she calls. I don't know what I can tell her. I don't trust her because I know she is on their side, but she is also my only option. And she can't stop me. Suicide feels so appealing. It is like it is beckoning to me. I just feel like such a mess at the moment. I am beyond confused. My brain just feels like it has collapsed.
It is 5:15am and I am not remotely sleepy, and am feeling very tense, despite taking 10mg Diazepam. The suicidal thoughts are really in full swing, and although I am not intending to act on them tonight, it doesn't make them any weaker or easier to cope with. I think I might have to have another Diazepam, as when I feel like this my thoughts just go into overdrive and I have absolutely no chance of sleeping.
I am feeling so alone. I know I have support online, and I am truly grateful for that, but in real life I have absolutely nothing, and it is hard. Actually it is much worse than hard. I desperately feel like I need some support, but there is nowhere to turn. My GP works Wednesdays, but there is no point contacting her, as I have grasped exactly what she thinks from my mum speaking to her last week, and she has certainly been turned against me. I could phone and speak to whoever is on duty at the CMHT, but a) I don't trust that it won't be a fuckwit on duty, as there are several of them, b) they will all be against me too, and c) they will either suggest going for a walk, having a bath, or listening to music, and none of those are remotely helpful suggestions at the moment. I always find walking very anxiety provoking - I am always paranoid that someone is following me, and it really does scare me. I find baths the opposite of relaxing. I hate just lying there with my thoughts. I don't see how that is supposed to be relaxing or helpful. And I usually love music, but as I have explained on here before, I find it really difficult to listen to at the moment unless there is a particular song I need to hear - otherwise it just sounds like irritating noise that is drilling through my head, even if it is a CD I usually love. The TV is similar - I get a headache within about 5 minutes of turning it on as it just overwhelms me. And I can't concentrate to read. So essentially, anything they might suggest I do is useless, and therefore I am fucked.
I miss L. I know that sounds weird, given that she has been turned against me, and hasn't done anything to help me lately, but I do. I guess that is why attachment issues are such a bitch. Even when you know someone isn't helping, you can't get over them. I was thinking about it, and actually I don't think things have ever been quite the same with her since that time in November when I felt very let down by her. Things did get back on track and feel ok after that, but I suppose I never had quite the same level of trust in her following that, and now I feel like she doesn't care about me at all and doesn't care what happens to me, as she just left me with an appointment for a fortnight's time when she knew how awful I was feeling. And yet I still miss her. That is wrong, and it pisses me off. I am angry with myself for wanting to talk to her. I don't want to miss her. I want to be angry with her. But every time I am feeling desperate I just get this overwhelming desire to talk to her. And yet last Thursday and Friday when she was in work, and I could have rung her, I didn't because I was just too upset. I feel really confused about the whole thing. I suppose it is a bit like the situation with my mum. I still feel like she has been turned against me where my mental health is concerned, but I still love her despite that. I feel let down by her, and I feel like she either doesn't believe me, or doesn't care about me any more, in much the same way I feel about L, but she is still my mum, and I still love her. I just have to accept that I can't rely on her for support. And I suppose it would be the same with L, except our whole relationship is based on support, as that is why she is there, which makes it much more awkward, But of the CMHT she is still the only person I want to talk to. I feel lost and alone and desperate, and like the people I have relied on and trusted the most are no longer there for me. I really feel like I can't cope.
I have rehearsal again tonight. It is going to be a long one, as I have to get there an hour early to work on my solos with the musical director, and then I have the normal rehearsal, so I will be there from 6:30 until at least 10, possibly 10:30. It's all too much. I want to scream and shout and cry but I don't think that would be appreciated by my parents or my neighbours given that it is 5:30am. I just can't cope. I want out. I want to make everything stop. Just stop. Why isn't it getting any easier? Surely it should be getting easier. And it isn't. It just gets harder and harder. I don't believe that these thoughts and feelings are going to go away without me acting on them. It is too intense. And it feels like the right thing to do. I don't want to wait for them to pass. I just want to make it all stop.
I feel hideous. I have gained over 2lbs the last few days, and although I am aware that isn't very much, my weight does not fluctuate except with actual weight gain and loss, and I just feel like I have lost control of the sole thing that was actually ok and I wasn't feeling hideous about. The strange thing is, I still have no appetite. I am not hungry. I have just been eating for the sake of it, and that really annoys me. If I am hungry and I eat then that is kind of fair enough, although I still resent it if it causes weight gain, but not even being hungry and yet still managing to eat enough that I gain weight is just shit to be honest. I just feel revolting.
Naturally the way to solve the problem was to make a cake..... I do wonder about my intelligence at times. My mum clearly wanted a birthday cake though - when she was in Sainsbury's last week she phoned me and said they had the Betty Crocker Devil's Food Cake mix on offer, plus the icing and should she buy them. I said she may as well buy the cake mix, since those cakes always turn out perfectly, whereas generally I find chocolate cakes a bit hit and miss as to whether they are delicious or dry, despite using the same recipe. Ironically I said not to bother with the icing, since icing isn't exactly difficult to make. Yesterday's endeavor clearly proved me wrong on that score. So anyway, I cheated and used the packet mix for the cake (which I did on Sunday) and then planned to decorate it yesterday, but as I explained, it all went hideously wrong as the buttercream curdled, and absolutely nothing I tried made it right again. So today I started again. I wanted two lots of icing - white chocolate for the middle layer and for piping, and normal chocolate for the top and sides. It all went fine. It just took so long. I don't know if I am just spectacularly crap at doing things like that, or if my concentration is bad enough at the moment that I went off into my own thoughts for long periods at a time, but from starting to make the icing, to the cake being totally finished took three hours, which is pretty ridiculous quite frankly - I wasn't attempting anything terribly complicated, and I did absolutely nothing in that time apart from that. Wondering if maybe some dissociating was going on, as three hours is just an absurd length of time for it to have taken when I look back at it. Due to my lack of imagination the cake looks remarkably similar to the cake I made for Mother's Day last year. Here are cake pictures since I have nothing interesting to say;
I wrote the buttercream off as a disaster. I have no idea what went wrong. Who would have thought it was possible to mess up mixing butter and sugar? The number of times I have made buttercream too. It really isn't hard. I suppose I will have to try again tomorrow, because at the moment my mum still doesn't have a birthday cake. I feel sorry for her - she had a bad birthday. I think she had a really tough day at work with her boss dying this morning so unexpectedly - all of the staff were really upset, and so she was quite emotional all day at work I think, and then had to come home and only have an hour at home before taking me off to ballet and rehearsal. She went to see my brother whilst I was in ballet, and then we had a little bit of time between ballet and rehearsal so we got take away pizzas from a nice bar in town, and then she went to see a friend whilst I was rehearsing, so I guess she had an ok evening, but I think overall it can't have been a very nice day. I will try again with icing the cake tomorrow. I want to make it look really pretty but I can't quite decide how. I am a bit rubbish at doing anything other than basic icing. I made quite a pretty cake for Mother's Day last year, but I would have liked to do something a bit different decoration wise, but I either lack the imagination or the skill to pull off anything much more creative. Whilst I am on the subject of food, the last few days my weight has started to go back up and I am really struggling with it. It was going down, and that was literally the only thing that I felt was going right in my life. Now it is going back up, which is making me feel even more hopeless, and I would be lying if I said it wasn't adding to the suicidal thoughts, which were certainly strong enough without dealing with weight gain as well.
Well I got through ballet and rehearsal. It was an enormous relief to get home and know that I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow - that there is absolutely no need to leave my house for anything. Rehearsal was difficult yet again. I feel like I am completely useless and they cast the wrong person in the part, and like by now they will have realised that and be regretting their decision. The girl who is playing the second female part has a stunning voice - vocally she is definitely stronger than I am, and I hear people talking about how good she is, and I am sure they are thinking that she should have been cast in my part. When I hear her sing I think she should have been cast in my part. I also had to have the publicity shots taken tonight, which weren't terribly attractive I don't think, but I kind of don't give a shit at the moment. What was more difficult was talking with someone about the show etc as part of the publicity. They asked the easy questions I could answer, like where I live and how old I am, where I went to school, what other companies I have worked with etc. Then came the 'What do you do?' question. I do nothing. I said something along those lines. She said so are you still studying or anything? No.... I do nothing. How do you say that without sounding like a complete idiot? And then she followed that up by asking if I had been to drama school or university. No, I haven't done that either. I actually am 24, not studying, not working, and haven't done anything since the age of 19. Not that I said all of that of course. Then it was why did you want to audition for the show, and what attracted you to this part, which were easy enough to answer, followed by how are you finding it - are you enjoying it? Mmm. Enjoying. That doesn't seem to be the word that has been springing to mind lately when I have thought about rehearsals. Dreading? Yup, that will be the one. That doesn't sound so good in an interview though, so I switched it for enjoying. White lies don't hurt anyone right? So that felt quite difficult, because it just reminded me of everything I should have achieved and haven't, and the things I should be feeling about the show and am not. And then I always hate having my photo taken. Oh, and finally, to add insult to injury the costume woman was there to take measurements. Perfect! That cheered me up no end.
I wrote yesterday how I have found I am cutting myself off from people online a lot - usually I spend most of my day online, and am always logged into Twitter, MSN, Facebook chat, Skype, and usually have several conversations on the go. Lately I have been appearing offline on MSN a fair bit, not signing into Skype, not signing into Facebook chat, and watching Twitter but rarely engaging with anyone. I think I am just terrified of the same thing happening with the people I trust online as it did with the people I trust in real life. I am also generally ignoring texts, and most people know better than to phone me anyway. I can't cope with feeling let down or abandoned by any more people. I am scared that somehow people from the internet will be taken over too, despite knowing that makes no sense, as I don't believe that my mum or GP etc were taken over by some form of mind control and had thoughts beamed into their heads or anything like that. I believe that the crisis team and the CMHT manager (who is probably influenced by my psych, as I feel like she is involved, despite my not seeing her since June - perhaps because of my not seeing her since June) managed to persuade L, and my GP in particular, of things that they hadn't previously believed or thought, and my GP to the extent that she did a complete 180, and went from trying to get me more support from them last Wednesday, to telling my mum they couldn't do anything because I have BPD etc on Friday, and persuading my mum of the same thing. So I know logically that unless someone from online speaks to someone from my treatment team, which is not going to happen, they can't be taken over. But that doesn't stop me feeling paranoid that they just might. Or that the crisis team and psych and everyone else are right and I am just an attention seeking, manipulative borderline who doesn't deserve any help, and people will start to see through me if I talk to them. I feel incredibly alone. I really, really feel like I need some professional support at the moment, but I have exhausted that, and now there is nowhere to turn to, and it is still a whole week before I am due to see L, who at the moment I don't even trust. I just feel so isolated and I don't know what I can possibly do.
I am spectacularly useless. I fucked up making buttercream. How can you fuck up mixing butter and icing sugar?? I have no idea, but I did. It has curdled. I have made buttercream enough bloody times with no problems. I think maybe the buttercream sensed my negative energy and got upset. Is that possible? Horses can tell when you are tense, maybe buttercream can too.
My mum's boss died this morning. That's sad. He was due to retire in the summer too. He wasn't even very old. Whenever I hear about someone dying I wish I could swap places with them so that they could keep living. It seems unfair that they should die when they want to live. I don't think my mum will have had a very good birthday.
I got a message today from the person doing publicity for the show saying she needed to talk to me and the male lead tonight at rehearsal, and take some photos, as she has to get a press release out by Wednesday. This is a not good thing. For a start it scares me because it makes it all seem too real. Secondly, I don't want my bloody picture taken tonight. I have to go straight from ballet to rehearsal on a Monday, and so invariably look a complete bloody mess. And yes, I am vain enough that I am bothered by that. I don't remember the last time I had the energy to put on make up or do my hair, and now I kind of have to or there will be pictures of me in the paper looking like complete shit with black rings under my eyes and little piggy eyes from tiredness and just hideous. Not that make up can redeem that, but it is good at improving things slightly. I just want to stay home and hide.
Today has been yet another difficult day. I am finding I am wanting to cut myself off from people - I think that not trusting the professionals or my parents is making me suspicious of everyone, even the people I talk to online, who I know are always supportive of me. So I haven't spent much time online today. I came online earlier and tried to read a few blogs, and I sat and watched Twitter for a while, but couldn't say anything. Everything feels very overwhelming. I seem to be spending more and more time staring into space and not being able to do anything, because even the internet is starting to feel like too much, and I found that ok until the last couple of days, as it didn't make any noise and didn't involve any concentration. But now I find it gives me a headache. I am absolutely dreading rehearsal later. I am terrified. I am scared of leaving the house. I am scared of being around people. I am scared of having to interact and pretend to be ok. At rehearsal last Wednesday I was told by about five people that I looked ill or pale and was I ok. Since I had missed the Monday rehearsal by saying I had a stomach bug, I told them I still wasn't feeling too great. I can't do that again tomorrow, but when I am feeling this bad my ability to pretend to be fine seems to leave me. I can do it all of the time, and not being able to is really a sign of things being rock bottom for me. I have to go to ballet too, and the same applies, although at least there is less time for socialising there, and I can get by better on auto pilot there, as I know the syllabus so well. Ok, I may not be dancing it as well as I could, but I can get by without drawing too much attention to myself. When I am at rehearsal and learning choreography or singing a song I don't know particularly well, or being told my blocking for a scene, I have to concentrate more, and I can't concentrate at the moment. I am finding it a lot of pressure at the moment.
Plus it is my mum's birthday. Since I never know what date it is, I didn't realise how soon her birthday was until the middle of last week, so I haven't got her much in the way of a present. I feel like a shit daughter. I made a cake today, although I cheated and used a packet mix, as they always turn out so perfect, and later I need to make icing and decorate it. We won't have long at home - we only have about 45 minutes on a Monday between her getting home from work, and having to leave for ballet. I had planned to have the cake all done for then and give her the little present I do have for her and her card, but she said tonight that my sister is coming over. This is my sister who hasn't spoken to me since October and does a bloody good job at ignoring me completely if she is unfortunate enough to see me somewhere, for example when we were both singing soprano in the same carol concert at Christmas and therefore saw each other at rehearsal every week. I made effort with her, and none of it was reciprocated, so I have had enough of her - I have no desire to have anything to do with her, and I am pissed off that she is coming over in the only time we have at home tomorrow. I can't face seeing her when I am feeling this shit, as even when we were speaking she always seemed to go out of her way to make me feel like crap, so I will just have to stay upstairs whilst she is here and not give my mum her present or card or cake. I love my mum, despite what they have done to her in turning her against me. I just need to remember there is no point in speaking to her about my feelings as she has been indoctrinated by them.
I can't wait for today or tomorrow or whatever it is to be over. I am confused about days and times. Since it is 4:45 in the morning it is technically tomorrow, but since I haven't slept yet I am still thinking of it as Sunday. Just need to try and get through the day the best that I can, however much I don't want to. I wish so much I didn't have rehearsal and could stay home though. I really am panicking about that. I wish I was feeling better. If anything it still seems to be getting worse, and a week ago I would have said that was impossible. But things just seem to be harder and harder. I really want to die. The thought that they expect me to cope for over a week more by myself before I see anyone is laughable.
I don't know what to say. I feel broken. Everything feels wrong. The suicidal thoughts are incessant. My concentration is non existent, as is my motivation to do anything. I am constantly exhausted and yet still can't sleep properly. I don't seem to have much appetite at all, which my eating disorder is of course not minding, but it feels a bit wrong. If I have the TV or music on, even quietly, it feels like it is drilling through my head, unless I have a Diazepam first, which helps slightly. When you can't read, watch TV, listen to music, or do anything involving brain power (sometimes I do puzzle books when I can't concentrate to read, but they take more brain power than I have at the moment) I find there really aren't any distraction techniques. I come online but most of the time I seem to just stare at the screen in a daze. And then it gets too much and gives me a headache and I have to log off. I am completely alone as everyone in real life is against me. I am not entirely sure about my dad yet - he may not be, but I am not convinced. My mum is definitely completely on their side, 100%. In fact it is worse than that because she comes up with theories on everything, including me, and then presents them as though they are fact. Apparently it is like being a drug addict who needs more and more drugs, except for me it is support. Which is bollocks. When I was doing better and had weekly appointments with L I didn't have a problem with my level of support. However, when I am feeling how I am now, I do feel I need more support because it is too much to try and deal with alone. Today has been a very difficult day. Very emotional. I suppose this evening/tonight really. The suicidal thoughts have been incredibly strong and I have spent a lot of time either staring at the wall feeling completely numb, or getting upset and finding myself rocking and crying. There has been screaming at my mum for continuing to justify the shitness of mental health services and screaming at my mum because I am just in so much pain. Lots more crying. Desperate. Even now the thoughts of killing myself are incredibly strong. My eyes are stinging from all the crying. I have been very attached to my teddy bear the last two days. This is something that happened once before in a particularly bad patch. I wouldn't leave the house without him. At the moment he is being carried wherever I go, and my arm is around him as I am typing, which isn't convenient, but I suppose he is my security. I have had him since my first Christmas, and he has been virtually everywhere with me - his home has always been on my bed, and he has been on holiday with me, he went to university with me, he went into hospital with me - he has been nearly everywhere I have been. And throughout my life when I have been upset I have come to my room and cried on my bed with him. I am getting increasingly scared of leaving the house. I was trying to remember when I last went anywhere but thinking gives me a headache. I shouldn't have tried. All the days and nights have merged and I am thoroughly confused. On Monday I have to go to ballet and rehearsal and I am already feeling incredibly anxious about it. Not going isn't an option unless I am dead, but the thought of having to go out and be around people and be sociable fills me with dread, and ridiculous as it sounds, I don't want to be without my teddy. It is my mum's birthday on Monday. That means I need to pretend to be ok so I don't ruin the day for her, and I don't think I can do that at the moment. I feel like a shit daughter and that she would be better off without me. Everything feels much too much. I feel like I am going to snap really soon.
Over the last couple of days I have thought increasingly about telling my mum. This morning I decided that it couldn't make things any worse and that I would. I sent her a text saying that I couldn't cope, and that I had been trying really hard, but that my GP seemed to be the only person taking me seriously. She was out when I sent that, but she rung me and said she would come home but she needed to go food shopping at some point today so should she go whilst she was out already, and I said that was fine. I was quite surprised she didn't ask me what was going on or anything but I thought maybe she wanted to talk about it when she got home. She came home and didn't really say much. She said she had spoken to Dr O, she didn't say what they had talked about, but I know that at some point in the conversation she must have complained about the crisis team saying that they would arrange a psychiatrist appointment, and then just discharging me, and Dr O (who is anti meds) evidently told her that I have BPD, not Depression, so she didn't see what good meds would do, as my mother who had been annoyed all week about me not being seen by the psychiatrist suddenly thought it was completely fine. She also seemed to have no problem with the crisis team suddenly stopping seeing me, which she had previously been annoyed, and didn't seem to see that there was a problem that I was being left with no support for two weeks. Somehow they managed to convert her so that she just agreed with them. My mum used to call up and complain if I wasn't getting enough help - now she is justifying their actions to me. I think they all either think that this is something I am choosing, and that I feel like this because I want to, or they think I am exaggerating the whole thing, or they don't care whether or not I kill myself. I am not sure which, but they have got my mum thinking the same. So I don't even have support from her - she has been indoctrinated to say the same things that the professionals say, and is defending things that yesterday she was annoyed about. I feel like she doesn't care what happens to me. Despite me being incredibly upset, and her knowing that it is incredibly rare for me to be asking for help, she did absolutely nothing apart from calling and speaking to my GP. She didn't even bother calling L, which seems a bit strange given that she is my care coordinator. She clearly wasn't concerned enough to think it worthwhile. And amazingly she didn't even try and take away the tablets I have or anything. Which I am glad about, but it just reinforces the feeling that she doesn't care, as in the past that has always been the first thing she has done. Of course I always have others hidden so it doesn't matter if she does take them, but the fact she didn't even try proves that I am right. I feel like everyone is against me. I don't know what I have done wrong, because I have honestly just told the truth, but there is very clearly something. 'Nobody's Side' has been running through my head all day. My eyes are stinging from how much I have been crying. I feel incredibly alone. I don't trust anyone.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
If you know me in real life, then please respect my wish for anonymity here.
You are welcome to add me on Facebook - I am on there as Bippidee Mentalist, and on Twitter as bippidee86.